#what a disgrace to everyone who was involved in the film

[raziiyah]

i can't believe it, i was looking forward to this movie for years. i was happy enough that my favorite looney tune was getting his own movie but the fact that it was COMPLETED and the people who have seen it say it was excellent just makes it that much more disappointing. shame on warner bros

[wreywrites]

Tiger Shark

Part 7: The Sail

Chapter 39

I think this smile will be stuck on my face forever. I’m glad Plutarch decided to film everything. He just wants to broadcast it over and over, but yesterday Beetee promised he would get me a tape. Which is good, because after Alvan walks me down the aisle, gives me a hug, and slips my hands into Finnick’s, I don’t remember the ceremony at all. I’m sure it was lovely, but I saw nothing but Finnick, smiling at me in his borrowed suit. And what else matters, really?

Dalton says something about kissing the bride, and who are we to argue? We run down the aisle, laughing, as our three hundred guests throw rice and flower petals, laughing and cheering, and, in Gloss’s case, crying a little. Then everyone scatters to the edges of the room and the fiddler from Twelve steps forward and Finnick sweeps me to the middle of the room.

“How long did it take you to teach him?” I ask as we glide around, inside the circle of smiling people.

“This one? Whistled it twice.” He grins. “I thought you might appreciate it.”

I do. It’s the song he recited during his interview. And while it was sad and full of longing then, now it is hopeful, looking to a future together for the sailor and his love.

The fiddler finishes and jumps right into something faster. The people from Twelve cheer, linking arms and flooding around us. Hazelle grabs one of my hands, pulling me in a raucous circle. I follow, laughing, Finnick trailing behind with Johanna on his other arm. The fiddler descends to something slower. People pair off. Gale waltzes past us, surprisingly graceful, with Posy on his hip. Katniss’s sister and mother dance together.

Finnick spins me around then pulls me close and says, “I’ve been waiting for three years for the day I could say this to you.”

“What?”

He leans even closer and whispers, “Odair you are.”

I laugh until my cheeks hurt.

After the next song, someone wheels out a rolling table carrying a beautiful cake decorated with waves and dolphins. The dancing pauses while Finnick and I cut each other a piece, then raise our plates in a toast to the guests.

Finnick takes one bite, then turns to me, eyes lighting up. “It’s the sugar rose stuff!”

I have a huge mouthful of cake, but I nod. When I have swallowed, I say, “Plutarch asked me about the cake while they were altering your suit. I told him this was your favorite.”

He kisses me. “I love you a lot.”

“I love you a lot more, now finish that so we can go dance!”

~~~                               ~~~                               ~~~

Gale and Posy teach Finnick and me how to do a dance from Twelve that involves switching partners and sometimes dancing as a group of four. We are no good at all, but Posy thinks it is hilarious when we switch partners the wrong way and she and I are arm in arm while Gale and Finnick end up dancing together. They both take it well, laughing for a second before deciding they’d rather die than disgrace the sacred art of whatever dance this is, and Gale leads like a gentleman.

When the four of us rejoin, Finnick is laughing. “Please don’t make us do that again!”

“Please make them do it again!” Posy begs.

But the next time we switch the right way, and Gale sweeps me around the room while Finnick carries a delighted Posy.

Ten must have a similar dance to this, because Alvan looks like a professional as he leads Cashmere and again when the two of them join back up with Katniss and Johanna, who is stumbling through the dance looking like a drunken Haymitch but laughing like she’s never had more fun in her life.

It is a long time before the fiddler plays another slow song. Another song from home.

“Why is all our music so sad?” I ask Finnick as we settle into the long, sweeping steps.

“I don’t think they’re sad. I think the sea just brings out different emotions in people, things you can’t feel anywhere else. That… longing in the midst of an ever-changing world.”

“Oh, now you’re getting philosophical on me,” I smile. “Better be careful, you’re starting to sound like Augustus.”

“I wish he was here.”

“Me too. Mags and Beck and Megary…”

We dance in silence for a little bit.

“We’re doing this again at home.”

“Obviously. We have to show your dad how good of a dancer you’ve gotten to be. And I think we should set Jade up with Gale.”

“What? No. He and Johanna would be much better together.”

“Mmmm, I don’t know,” he smiles. “I think Jade would be all over him.”

“Doesn’t mean he’d be all over her. And look,” I say, jerking my chin over Finnick’s shoulder. “Just look at them.”

We turn enough so Finnick can see Gale and Johanna dancing. They look slightly awkward, like neither of them is upset with the series of events that has led them to this point but now they aren’t quite sure what to do. They are both smiling though.

Johanna sees me looking at her and makes a face. Gale follows her gaze.

“Turn, turn!” I hiss at Finnick. “Don’t stare!”

Laughing, we turn so neither of us is staring at Johanna. Instead we watch Cecelia dancing with a circle of about a dozen little kids from Twelve.

“I hope her family’s alright.”

“Yeah,” Finnick says, “she deserves to be happy, after all this. And because I planned bedrooms for them and those kids, whether they move in with us or not.”

“Finnick, that’s four more bedrooms.”

“Three. One for Cecelia and Mark, one for Tilly and Edie, one for Bax.” He gets a distant look in his eyes. “One for us, one for Johanna, one for your dad, one for Jade and Coral when they visit, one for Katniss my new best friend-”

I laugh. “I do enjoy how good of friends you two have become. It’s…”

“Weird, isn’t it?”

“Very. But I’m glad. And honestly it’s no weirder than me and my best friend Gloss.”

“Best friend?” Finnick snorts. “I seem to recall you kissing him after-”

“Listen, I thought I was going to die. I think I can be forgiven for wanting to live a little.”

“I suppose.” He smiles, then looks wistfully over my shoulder at the cake.

Someone else slides an arm around my waist from behind.

“Go eat your cake, Finnick.” Gloss hugs us both. “I’ll make sure no one else dances with your wife.”

“Very generous of you. Please try not to kiss her again.”

Gloss and I laugh as Finnick weaves through the crowd of dancers toward his beloved cake.

“I can’t believe you picked him over me,” Gloss says dramatically as another slow song starts.

“Sorry,” I tease back. “The age gap is just insurmountable.”

“Age gap?” He snorts. “Something for you to consider then, which I’m sure you have already considered, given that you did ask Alvan to give you away: Alvan is pretty much my dad. He’s everyone’s dad, with his folksy wisdom and down-home slang that I don’t understand and very middle-aged attitude.” Gloss pauses, for effect, I suspect. “Alvan is two years older than me.” He pauses again, then sighs dramatically again. “My dad and my sister are in love.”

“Where were you going with that? All your words add up to the fact that Cashmere and Alvan have only a negligible age gap, while you are seven years older than me. Finnick is more my speed.”

Gloss shakes his head, smiling. “I know. I’m glad you two got things figured out. It gives me hope for the rest of us.”

The song ends and the fiddler starts on a faster number that pulls everyone from Twelve back to dancing. Cressida, however, gathers all the victors together along one wall. She lines us all up like she’s going to take a family photo. But then, with Pollux’s video camera still rolling, her strong voice carries to us. It carries many things—hope, determination, triumph, joy. She could give Cashmere a run for her money.

“What if you had known then?” she asks us.

Known what? When?

“What if you had known when you were reaped that all this would happen?”

I frown, then I realize.

Someone laughs, a real laugh. It’s Cashmere.

I look at Finnick, a smile on my face, a laugh bubbling near the surface.

He is smiling back as he leans closer and whispers, “If I had known I’d find you, I would have volunteered.” He kisses me.

If I had known…

Surrounded by these friends I never would have met if I hadn’t been reaped, in the arms of the man I love, the man I married today because I was reaped…

If I had known that I would be happy again…

I smile against his lips. “I love you.”

“I hope so!” he laughs. “You did just marry me.” Then he kisses me again and whispers, “I love you too.”

The party goes long into the night. The whole cake is eaten. Little kids are asleep on the floor while their parents talk and dance and laugh. I’ve never seen the refugees in Thirteen look so happy. And me? I’ve never been happier, even with everything happening outside. Because right now, Finnick and I are wrapped in each other’s arms, inseparable, surrounded by friends, as safe as we’ve ever been, and finally, finally allowed to live our own lives.

****

****

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[firespirited]

Vesper 2022 aka Vesper Chronicles in french. 2/10 abysmal, truly abysmal except for a few plant designs.

I kept getting déjà vu, certain I'd seen this film before. I probably have seen every single dystopia cliché and the decor/colour grading was so familiar. I could have told you it was franco-belgian with a large influence from something eastern though wouldn't have guessed lithiuanian, I was thinking polish or serbian. Obviously it's unrelentingly grimdark.

Spoilers and spoilers for Prospect 2018 at the end. Readmore for long ramblings.

There are two not actually sexual assaults that are filmed as if they were. General worst of humanity instead of people working together type film. By the time we'd drudged through multiple tropes I really dislike, I hated everyone involved in this film except the girl and i hope they don't work again. Hateful film that will crush a bit of your inner spark.

// I get the impression a lot of the reviewers who'd seen this on netflix had not been exposed much to european cinema: it has all the grime and gore of a classic olden times tale with some interesting plants. Please go watch La Cité des Enfants Perdus which has an actual soul at the heart of the green grime. We have dozens of films and tv shows that look like this 'unique' world. //

The world building falls flat as soon as you consider anything concrete: the food must come from harvests but where, clothes must come from animals and looms but where? The plants are carnivorous but how are they alive if there's nothing to feed on. It's just fitting your worldbuilding to look cool for a plot device: lady's plane crashes, she's found being eaten by plants and it looks gnarly. Beyond that? Plot device for plot sake, circular logic.

I could list twenty other similar bad writing moments most of them for pivotal scenes.

The film takes the path of consistent suffering and bleakness until it's implied that the world might be different from now on.

I decided to watch this film blind after seeing it on a list of recent female directed films. I assumed it was american or british. Big mistake!

You can expect about 75% of certain european female writer directors to be 'one of the boys', leaning in to more gross out, ultra violence or sexual content. They are the type to sign polanski support letters and hire actors disgraced in the USA.

It's hard to describe in terms non western continental europeans will understand. It's empowerment feminism meets white feminism but stuck around 1968 not 2006 with sexual attitudes that embrace teens with adults, not sane and consensual bdsm, lots of long debunked Freud.

They make films even better than the boys for sure but it's not remotely feminist in both what is depicted and what is inflicted on the female viewer. You could say at least we get female protags but the 'empowerment' feels more shallow than the music video for The Prodigy's Smack (spoilers for a very nsfw video: it's a lesbianbro asshole not a dudebro asshole)

Some people thought the ending implies the protag goes on to great things and I have no idea where they got that from: no leverage, no lab, no family. She has started the spark that will change the world but she'll have to find a blood broker to see the next harvest. She would have been better off with a guardian than so alone so soon with nothing to sell except blood and her eventual womb.

The few women of colour and lesbians directing or writing tend to have quite different vibes or offset bleak realities with moments of joy. (look carefully for a photo before making assumptions: born in north africa/middle east doesn't mean they aren't white and even whiter in their gaze in films set in brown or black countries)

Gay directors tend to do grimdark or sad sack rich people... just with gay sex. Uh yeah I'm not a fan of most french cinema right now but then again, that's a view shared by quite a few actresses and women who just want 2 hours of escapism.

It reminded me a lot of Prospect 2018, except despite it's deeply bleak story Prospect ends with them both having a new family unit, reason to live and partner who'll watch their back. Vesper has no-one. This was a poorly thought through initial cool concept that decided to throw every gross concept and trope against the wall, add dose after dose of misery then act like there was a happy end.

Please watch Nausicaa of the Valley of the wind for biopunk with heart, careful plotting, a designed biosphere, violence and gross bugs but always for a purpose.

[albertonykus]

Doraemon Movie Review: Nobita's Secret Gadget Museum (2013)

What is Doraemon? The title character of the Doraemon manga and anime is a blue robotic cat from the 22nd Century who keeps an array of high-tech gadgets in a portable pocket dimension on his belly, and has traveled from the future to improve the fortunes of a hapless schoolboy named Nobita. Although relatively obscure in the English-speaking world, Doraemon is a Mickey-Mouse-level cultural icon in East Asia (and some other regions, too). The Doraemon franchise was a big part of my childhood, and there are still elements of it that I enjoy now.

Doraemon has released theatrical films almost annually since 1980, most of which involve Nobita and his friends (kind Shizuka, brash Gian, and crafty Suneo) getting swept into adventures thanks to Doraemon's gadgets. Despite being of potentially broad appeal to fans of science fiction and animated films, there are very few English reviews of the Doraemon movies, so I'm embarking on a project to write about all the films that have come out so far. Good luck to me…

Movie premise: Doraemon’s bell gets stolen, and he really wants it back. Nobita and his friends track it to a 22nd Century gadget museum, where they have to find the bell and figure out who took it.

My spoiler-free take: This movie features a unique setting and story genre for a Doraemon film, and it’s pretty respectable, though I think its singular qualities had even greater potential still.

POTENTIAL SPOILERS AFTER THIS POINT

Review: Whereas most Doraemon movies use Doraemon’s gadgets as a means to transport the main characters to classic science fiction or fantasy settings, a museum that displays these gadgets is a location that can essentially only exist in the Doraemon universe. Combined with the fact that the Doraemon films have not yet done a proper detective story up to this point, and the premise of this movie looks very attractive indeed.

Yet for reasons that are difficult for me to put my finger on, I came away from this film somewhat underwhelmed. Maybe it’s the fact that, despite an ideal setup for showcasing previously introduced gadgets in fresh and creative ways, much of the main plot ultimately hinges on new gadgets and additions to the lore. Make no mistake though, this movie does not skimp on giving cameos to established gadgets. Probably the best use of the museum locale is the scene where the protagonists and law enforcement are confronted by the gadget thief in one of the exhibits. The “duel by proxy” between the thief and the inspector investigating the case, in which they simply show off the gadgets they have on hand to counter each other’s strategies without actually using them, is pretty amusing, but makes sense in a setting where gadgets are widely available.

The mystery story itself is decent for a children’s movie, though I found the handling of the aftermath to be unsatisfying. To make a long story short, it is eventually revealed that Doraemon’s bell and several other items were stolen on behalf of a disgraced scientist, who hid microchips in those objects to preserve his life’s work on developing a sustainable metal for use in manufacturing gadgets. By the time the movie ends, the scientist simply goes back into hiding, with no apparent opportunity to redeem himself in the eyes of the relevant authorities nor any clear headway made in addressing the metal sustainability problem.

I also felt lukewarm about the revelation that Doraemon exhibits more cat-like behavior without his bell, which came across as more of an easy excuse to make visual gags than a natural extension of the lore. I did appreciate that everyone in the main cast contributes at one point or another, even though the story focuses most heavily on Nobita and Doraemon. Additionally, this movie features one of the few times (if not the only time) that the Restoration Light is used in a Doraemon film, which is a gadget I’ve often thought should be acknowledged in the movies more often considering how frequently Doraemon’s gadgets break!

Star rating: ★★★☆☆

[more-than-a-princess]

@quickdeaths asked: 14 and/or 15 depending on what you've already received!

Spicy HC meme - Accepting!

(I've only received question 13 from this meme, and now 14 and 15! Thank you for sending them in :D)

14. are there any non-sexual actions that turn my muse on?  ( ie. watching someone perform manual labor ) 

Manual labor is a good answer for this! Though physical fitness/combat training is probably high up there. Especially if said muse is hired to protect Sonia/in a bodyguard role. This is one of those 'I feel guilty for lusting after someone in my employ and repeating family mistakes' moments for her. Especially if minimal clothing is involved. Of course, this also proves an excellent distraction from stressful royal duties, while giving Sonia something else to feel, ahem, frustrated about.

But otherwise:

Doing something adrenaline-pumping/adventurous. Are Sonia and someone she likes going on a roller coaster? Exploring some sort of dilapidated haunted place they have no business being in? Getting involved in an illegal plot or heist that she shouldn't be caught doing? Ditching her royal duties for the day/week/etc? Mark Sonia down for being slightly scared (in a good way) and very horny.

Cooking, and generally being domestic. Is your muse cooking a meal for Sonia? Preferably somewhere where they can be alone and there's an available surface for sex (this woman isn't confined, and prefers not to be confined, to using only a bed or sofa for such acts)? Your muse has already started taking care of her by feeding her. Why not continue such caring acts...physically?

Watching someone engage in her hobbies. Especially if they share the hobby.

Banter. Banter with muses who can keep up with her, especially in her adult years. She's far more naïve and sheltered as a teenager, but gains a bit of cynicism and wit as she grows up.

Playfully teasing/mocking her. See below for a more overtly sexual example, but yeah. This.

Less overtly horny, but worth mentioning: being kind/friendly/giving with children, animals, and others in need. Not that those immediately mean 'I'm ready to fuck' for Sonia, but it does help her consider the fact that 'oh, this person has a tender side and, even if they have a cold and prickly exterior, are good where it counts. I wonder if they'd treat me just as tenderly?' She's much more apt to feeling comfortable being exposed, physically or emotionally, around a partner if she sees the good in them. And helping others is an excellent way for Sonia to understand that.

15. how comfortable is my muse when it comes to talking about sex with their partner, such as discussing kinks and experiences? 

If Sonia has just gotten into a committed relationship, kinks and sexual experiences are probably not the first thing she'll bring up in conversation. But she does enjoy sex with those she loves and trusts (she's not a one night stand sort of person, and Sonia would be pretty unhappy in a sexless relationship. She has needs), and if they're going to be sexually active, she will want to know what they like and what they don't. Whether that unfurls as pillow talk or in the heat of the moment to heighten arousal, that depends on the muse and thread.

But she would be upfront with the amount of sexual partners she's had and things she absolutely doesn't like or wouldn't want to try. And she'd encourage her partners to communicate with her with similar interests and needs.

Just try not to bring up sex in public where anyone and everyone can hear, or filming/recording her. Sonia will shut down pretty quickly at that point: she is very sensitive about being seen as a disgrace to her family and/or the crown. The idea of someone leaking nudes or a sex tape? That's horrifying to her. That would probably be worse than bad and/or unintentionally painful sex (yet not as bad as cheating) for her.

However...teasing her privately/quietly/the most seductive whisper your muse can manage while she's trying to get through a meeting, or official event, or time spent with her family/friends/in classes?

She will want to finish up those obligations as soon as possible for some private time. Extended private time. She'll make sure her assistant clears her schedule.

[latenightcinephile]

Film #915: 'The Bad and the Beautiful', dir. Vincente Minnelli, 1952.

The Bad and the Beautiful is a perfectly fine film. It's so aggressively competent in every way that it doesn't have any of those stand-out features that instantly secure a film its place on the 1,001 list. It's a 1950s melodrama, which classic Hollywood studios loved. It's about morally-grey individuals in the film industry, which classic Hollywood studios really loved. It's told predominantly in flashbacks, which instantly lends the film a persuasive parallel with Citizen Kane (Orson Welles, 1941). None of these things make the film exceptional in itself, though, and as a result it's kind of difficult to tell what made it eligible for canonisation. I think a lot of the affection for this film is due to the combination of a number of major figures at pivotal points of their careers - Vincente Minnelli, Lana Turner, Kirk Douglas, Gloria Grahame - as well as the prurient interest in a film that is clearly based on a number of real figures in the film industry. What makes this film deeper for me is what it doesn't do, as much as what it does.

Three Hollywood icons, writer James Lee Bartlow (Dick Powell), actor Georgia Lorrison (Turner) and director Fred Amiel (Barry Sullivan), are all summoned to a meeting with the famous producer Harry Pebbel (Walter Pidgeon). Pebbel is trying to get them on board for a new project devised by the disgraced producer Jonathan Shields (Douglas), in order to secure funding. While Pebbel waits for a call from Shields, he quizzes the three guests about their history with Shields, aware of their antipathy for the man. Amiel and Shields started to work together producing B-pictures for Pebbel, attempting to make it big in Hollywood. Shields is also driven by the desire to rebuild his family's reputation after the death of his father, also a film producer who died bankrupt. As their success grows, Amiel intends to direct a major feature, but Shields pitches it to Pebbel and allows the project to be helmed by a more established director. Wounded by the betrayal, Amiel never speaks to Shields again; the success of the film, however, allows Shields to start his own production company, which Pebbel then joins.

Meanwhile, Shields has met Lorrison, the daughter of a famous stage actor. Despite what everyone perceives as her lack of talent, Shields casts her as the lead in a dramatic period epic. Her anxieties and her unrequited love for Shields get the better of her, and she disappears shortly before filming, relapsing into alcoholism. Shields decides that the only way to keep her reliable enough for the film's production is to feign love for her. It works, with the film being a success, but on the opening night Lorrison finds Shields at his mansion with another young ingenue. Although her career takes off, Lorrison abandons her contract with Shields' studio.

Some time later, Shields purchases the film rights for Bartlow's debut novel, and requests that Bartlow write the script. In order to focus Bartlow on the writing, Shields arranges for a Lothario actor to entertain Bartlow's wife for a weekend. Returning from a successful weekend's writing, Bartlow and Shields discover that both Gaucho and Rosemary have been killed in a plane crash, en route to Acapulco. Shields keeps his involvement a secret, encouraging Bartlow to focus on the film's production while he takes over the directing. The resulting film is such a disaster from a directorial perspective that Shields shelves the picture, bankrupting his studio. Bartlow offers to return the favour, helping Shields out of his grief, but Shields reveals that he knew Gaucho was going to take a plane trip with Rosemary, and Bartlow storms out.

Despite the appalling way in which Shields has treated them, the three are now at the top of their respective professions, and Pebbel suggests that they owe a favour to Shields. Once Shields calls, the three of them decline and leave; however, they cannot resist listening in on the phone call as Shields explains the film's concept. The final shot shows the eavesdropping trio appearing to realise their mistake.

The story reveals the solidity of the film's structure - emotionally-charged and precisely split into its three parts. There are no real surprises to be had here; the film's chief asset is that it hits its beats perfectly throughout. Many of the more unusual choices made here, especially the flashback structure, had already been formulated and repeated throughout the 1940s to the extent that they were already a bit trite by the time Minnelli made this film. It could be said that this is the greatest strength of the film, though. By refusing to employ any avant-garde effects, or to elevate one of the film's subplots over the others, the focus remains on the emotional impact of the story itself. The film's few forays into the realm of hysteria are aberrations to the otherwise measured tone Minnelli takes. One especially notable example of this is the scene in which a tormented Lorrison, fleeing Shields' mansion after discovering his infidelity, drives through the rain, finally letting go of the wheel and thrashing about as the car (presumably) loses control. Daniel Eagan, in America's Film Legacy, writes that the scene is often referred to as one of Minnelli's most powerful moments of excess, although he feels that it "doesn't make much sense either psychologically or as an example of defensive driving", an indication that this is an unusual example of the film straying into silliness. Eagan sees Lorrison's entire storyline as the weakest of the three, perhaps because Minnelli seems to have invested 'the woman's story' with more overt emotional displays than the other two. Despite the fact that Shields is tangentially responsible for killing Bartlow's wife, Powell plays the scenes stoically, opting to punch rather than cry.

One of the most interesting aspects of the story, and one that distinguishes it from most flashback films, is that the stories feed into each other - Hollywood, after all, is an incestuous place. Lorrison lives next door to Bartlow in Hollywood, and so he thinks of her when writing the script for his film adaptation. Although the three Hollywood idols mostly interact in the framing story, then, they are still present in each others' flashbacks in a way that Shields, who appears only in the flashbacks, is not.

The involvement of Kirk Douglas as the lead is also significant, as Douglas was just beginning his career as a leading man. He was already notorious for playing cynical and ruthless characters, having appeared in Ace in the Hole the previous year, and was nominated for the Best Actor Academy Award for his performance here. While he lost the award to Gary Cooper for High Noon (Fred Zinnemann, 1952), he was displaying the kind of steadiness in performance that made him a major figure in Hollywood for decades. The film's performance at the Academy Awards is interesting overall, actually. The film was nominated for six awards, and won all of them except for Best Actor. Notably, the film was not nominated for either the Best Picture or Best Director awards. The sole acting award it received was Best Supporting Actress for Gloria Grahame as Rosemary, despite Grahame only being on screen for about nine minutes. Overall, then, the performances were uniformly strong, but without anything standing out to draw particular acclaim - despite the short screentime, Rosemary is one of the most memorable characters in the entire picture.

In terms of the sound and the visuals, however, The Bad and the Beautiful is stunning and sumptuous in equal measure. It's not surprising that many of the film's awards were for art direction, cinematography, and costume design. Throughout most of the film, Robert Surtees' camera is unobtrusive, opting for dramatic movement in two places: either as a joke's punchline, when he draws back abruptly to show Shields dropping Lorrison into a swimming pool to sober her up, or when he is mimicking the movement of the camera during the filming of Shields' epic version of Bartlow's debut novel. This versatility was key in Surtees' work on epic films, but also worked well on the smaller scale demanded by Minnelli here. Of course, a film about Hollywood is going to allow for greater opportunities for showy costumes and art direction (and the shots of film production certainly display this), but even the scenes in Lorrison's lowly apartment with its Murphy bed or Bartlow's Virginia house display an obsessive attention to detail.

The Bad and the Beautiful is one of those films that is largely forgotten today, like many of the melodramas of the 1950s, but given the talent involved, it's one that should have received more credit. We are so accustomed to thinking of directors and actors today as the drivers of a major film that it is hard to avoid the temptation to rank them as more important than the script or the visual aspects of the production. As a result, when a director such as Vincente Minnelli works to make each aspect of a film as strong as any other, the finished product often lacks any of the hooks that make the film stay in the memory for very long. This is a good film, and one that is well worth a watch. If it were a little less perfect, it might even be one of my favourites. But it doesn't frustrate me enough; it doesn't surprise me enough; I have nothing to say about it except for noting the amorphous 'goodness' that emanates from every surface. I will remember Lana Turner flailing in the rain, but what I should be remembering is the way that the camera corrects for framing and the way the actors hit their marks perfectly, as well as the nuances in their performances. Minnelli fit the production of this film in between two musicals, An American in Paris (1951) and The Band Wagon (1953). Both of these films are remembered far more, not for their technical competence (although both are full of this) but because of their flights of fancy. The Bad and the Beautiful succeeds without this fancy, but without it fades in the memory far more than it deserves.

[xtruss]

Picasso Was a Genius—and a Beast. Can the Two Be Separated?

It’s the wrong question to ask, says “Monsters”, a provocative new book by Claire Dederer

— Culture | Back Story | April 5th, 2023

Portrait of Spanish artist Pablo Picasso (1881 - 1973) as he smokes a cigarette, seated in front of several of his paintings, Paris, France, circa 1950. (Photo by Sanford Roth/Photo Researchers History/Getty Images)

Look closely at “Woman with a Yellow Necklace” (pictured below), a painting by Pablo Picasso of 1946. The woman is Françoise Gilot, his partner at the time. Notice, in particular, what appears to be a Marilyn-esque beauty spot on the figure’s left cheek. That mark is said to represent a cigarette burn, seared onto the sitter’s face during a row with the artist.

In his astonishing range and invention, Picasso—who died 50 years ago, on April 8th 1973—was among the 20th century’s greatest artists. He was also an abusive goat, with a nauseating fondness for much younger women (40 years younger in Ms Gilot’s case). “Once they were bled dry,” his granddaughter Marina wrote of his women, “he would dispose of them.” Two went on to kill themselves.

Picasso, Pablo. 1881? 1973.? Femme au collier jaune (Woman with Yellow Necklace)

In “Monsters”, her new book, Claire Dederer identifies Picasso as an archetypal modern genius: an artist whose vices have been seen as excusable by-products of his vatic talent. Only men, she notes, are ever granted this licentious dispensation. Her book asks how she and readers today should feel about luminaries who “did or said something awful, and made something great”.

Even those who try to duck this problem can’t. Even for listeners bent on separating art and artist, “Age Ain’t Nothing but a Number”, a hip-hop track, will be tarnished by knowing its provenance. (It was written by R. Kelly, a convicted sex abuser, and sung by Aaliyah, who became his “wife” at 15.) Conversely, even those repulsed by Wagner’s anti-Semitism may find themselves stirred by “Ride of the Valkyries”. Often publishers, film bosses and other gatekeepers tackle this quandary on punters’ behalves.

The trouble, for most people, is where to draw the line, or rather several. The variables involved are all slippery and subjective. One is the gravity of the artists’ sins, a judgment liable to change over time. The same goes for views on their stature. Time itself is a factor. Today’s scandals will one day be ancient history; long-gone victims can be less compelling than living, weeping ones. Abjuring masterpieces by dead artists—such as Picasso—can seem a punishment of yourself rather than of them.

Ms Dederer fantasises about a calculator that could weigh “the heinousness of the crime versus the greatness of the art”. In reality, she says, the dilemma is inevitable—and insoluble. Rewatching “Chinatown”, she cannot but remember the gruesome sex offence committed by its director, Roman Polanski. A disgraced biography, in her apt metaphor, is a stain that cannot be wished away. And in this social-media-saturated age—when “everything is everyone’s business”—there is a lot of biography about.

At the same time, you cannot switch off the love you feel for art made by reprobates. Your leg still jiggles to “I Want You Back”, despite what you know about Michael Jackson’s proclivities. For all the disputed allegations against Woody Allen—and his marriage to his ex-partner’s daughter—“Annie Hall” is still funny.

No one is entirely a monster, Ms Dederer says by way of mitigation, both for stained virtuosos and angst-ridden fans. There is a bit of monstrosity in everyone, she adds, especially artists, for whom bloody-minded selfishness is useful. But her main argument for reconciling yourself to the art/artist question is that it is the wrong one to ask.

What difference does it really make, she writes, if you deprive a wicked genius of your cash or attention? Her case is couched in anti-capitalism; she thinks celebrity is generated and monetised by the system, which, like the house in a casino, wins whatever you choose to consume. You can doubt that reasoning but buy her conclusion: that renouncing Picasso, say, “is essentially meaningless as an ethical gesture”.

Art is important. Calling out abusers is valid and important too. But in the end, Ms Dederer argues, dust-ups over cancellations are a kind of shadow boxing. The key fights are over broader issues in society, or over private relationships and behaviour. “The way you consume art doesn’t make you a bad person, or a good one,” she counsels. “You’ll have to find some other way to accomplish that.” In the narrow realm of culture, this is consoling: “You are off the hook.”

Many shows and events will mark the 50th anniversary of Picasso’s death. Attend one, and you will encounter his revelatory vision—and, indivisibly, his misogyny, which courses through his sexualised contortions of female bodies. And, like it or not, if you come across “Woman with a Yellow Necklace”, you will see the cigarette burn.

— This article appeared in the Culture section of the print edition under the headline "Picasso’s Stain"

[swissmissficrecs]

Favorite Sherlock Holmes fics from 2020

Usually I put a bunch of explanations and disclaimers on these lists but you know what, it was a weird year and I’m not going to try to justify or apologize for what I read or didn’t read so here are my favorites that were completed last year, in descending order of length:

and your very flesh shall be a great poem by CaitlinFairchild (151K, E, Johnlock) After a tragic confrontation with terrible consequences, Sherlock and John follow Mary as she flees to America.

Drawn to Stars by Silvergirl (107K, E, Johnlock, Sherlock/OMC) After the Culverton Smith case Sherlock is clean, working, and looking for a romantic partner—since John has told him that’s what he needs. Shame John didn’t mention he was interested in that role himself, before Sherlock went off to Rome with a gorgeous Italian copper to try to fall in love and become a complete human being. (This one is very slightly cheating because it was finished on 30 Dec 2019, but it didn't make it onto my 2019 list because I didn't read it until after I'd made the list. And it deserves to be on a Best Of list, so here it is.)

Thermocline by J_Baillier (83K, M, Johnlock) John "Five Oceans" Watson — technical dive instructor, dive accident analyst and weapon of mass seduction — meets recluse professor of maritime archaeology Holmes. As they head out to a remote archipelago off the coast of Guatemala to study and film its shipwrecks for a documentary, will sparks fly or fizzle out?

Do No Harm by Calais_Reno (79K, T, Johnlock) In 1923, Dr John Watson is on trial for the murder of his lover, Mary Morstan, a writer of popular mysteries. If convicted, he will hang. Sherlock Holmes sets out to prove his innocence, but finds himself more and more infatuated with the handsome doctor, and deeper and deeper inside the bohemian world of London's painters, playwrights, and poets. Will he uncover the evidence needed to acquit him in time?

To Be Human by ohlooktheresabee (78K, NR, Johnlock) There is a serial killer on the loose with a penchant for collecting the brains of his victims. Sherlock, John and Scotland Yard are on the case, but something about the chosen victims has Sherlock on edge. While they piece together the clues that will lead to the killer, John begins to realize that the way his best friend thinks may sometimes be more a hindrance than a help….

immediate and inglorious by simplyclockwork (72K, E, Johnlock) Bodies are showing up in back alleys, with no sign of a struggle, no trace of drugs. If not for the strangulation bruises on their necks and the scythe carved into their left shoulders, they could have died peacefully, in their sleep. With New Scotland Yard dumbfounded by the Grim Reaper Killer case, Sherlock is called in to consult. The more he investigates, the deeper Sherlock finds himself drawn into the work of London's newest serial killer. As his views of good and bad begin to blur, he risks losing himself to a darkness he never imagined. And, even more pressing: where does John Watson, grieving ex-boyfriend of the Grim Reaper's latest victim, fit into all of this?

Curtain Rising by tiger_in_the_flightdeck (61K, E, Johnlock) A disgraced television star is the target of a series of death threats just after a theatre production’s adaptation of The Sound of Music is announced with her as the lead. The suspect list is a mile long and growing, Rosie Watson is in the spotlight, and Sherlock might be getting too fond of his time on stage to focus on the case. With opening night approaching, can he and John figure out who wants their client dead before her final curtain rises?

The Fire Finds a Home by fearfully_beautifully_made (61K, E, Johnlock) After Sherlock and John decide to give having a relationship a go, this is how their relationship starts to develop. There a little bit of plot, if you squint, but it was mostly an excuse to write John and Sherlock having sex in a lot of different ways and learning to love each other.

Borrowed Ghosts by DiscordantWords (57K, M, Johnlock) In the aftermath of the Culverton Smith case, John spent one painfully stilted afternoon hanging out with Sherlock. He counted the minutes, finished his tea, and left for home without ever clearing the air between them. And once he'd left, he found it very hard to go back.

You Might Just as Well Be Blind by ArwaMachine (56K, E, Johnlock) When a serial killer starts targeting couples, Sherlock and John must do what they have to do in order to get to the bottom of things. Unfortunately, John already has a girlfriend. Surely pretending to be in a relationship with Sherlock won't pose any problems with his relationship, will it?

The Broken Tether by J_Baillier (54K, M, Johnlock) Maybe he thinks that you only enjoy his company because of the Work, because of the way his dazzling intellect shines when he's in his element, but the truth is this: it is when he is at his most human, most bare, that you feel closest to him.

how the light gets in by subtext-is-my-division (Quill_A)  (54K, E, Johnlock) Red wine always makes him tipsier than usual and he finds himself saying, the words slurring a bit. “You know, I’ve got to ask. Do you always shoot cabbies for people you barely you know?” John meets his gaze over the rim of his glass, and there’s something there that Sherlock can’t pin down. “Not for everyone,” he says, meaningfully, pointedly, his smile all teeth.

Erosion by saintscully (53K, E, Johnlock) Sherlock’s father falls ill, leaving the surviving family members broken and rudderless. James Sholto shows up in London unexpectedly, his intentions unclear. John has to navigate the consequences of crime, illness and death and their impact on his frayed relationship with Sherlock.

Hold You Like a Weapon by MissDavis (52K, E, Johnlock) Eurus shows up at 221B Baker Street in labour. Things go downhill from there.

Chances Are by Berty (51K, M, Johnlock) Sherlock is spending some time in his mind palace - so far, so normal. But why is John there, why do things keep changing and why are there only two exits from the sitting room at 221B, neither of which seem to go anywhere useful? It's a case like no other for Sherlock Holmes and John Watson.

Sine Nomine by SilentAuror (45K, E, Johnlock) As Mycroft reviews the footage from Culverton Smith's morgue, he revisits his original question: whether John Watson would be the making of his brother, or make him worse than ever. He's come to a conclusion, but decides to give John one last chance. So he gives him a choice.

Cockaigne by HollyShadow88 (38K, E, Johnlock) When John’s contacted by an old uni friend about problems in his new art exhibition, he doesn’t think it will be worth Sherlock’s time. After a glance of the crime scene, however, they’re both pulled into the project in ways John didn’t expect. Will a week of erotic performance art finally be enough to bring them together in the way they both secretly hope? (Spoiler: it’s a tropey fic, of course it will)

Written in Ashes by 88thParallel (37K, M, Johnlock) Sherlock becomes the prime suspect in a homicide case, and recently unearthed memories of his childhood are complicating matters. It's up to John to track down answers — can he help Sherlock before it's too late?

A Desperate Indulgence by LollipopCop (34K, M, Johnlock) John thinks it's 2012 after waking up with amnesia, having no memory of Mary. Sherlock, exhausted from years of tension and hiding his love, pretends they got married instead.

Inhale With Ease by Vulpesmellifera (25K, E, Johnlock) In the years after Vivian Norbury's capture, life seems to work out just as John planned. He's got that respectable job at the surgery and goes home to his wife and child. He joins Sherlock on cases a couple times per week. It's a rhythm he can live with - just enough adrenaline highs to balance out the drudgery of a normal bloke's life. Until a pandemic, and Victor Trevor, arrive in London.

The House on Rue des Boulangers by Berty (24K, M, Johnlock) After being invalided out of the army and without any other prospects, John Watson has relocated to a small town in northern France. Now he has to decide what to do for the rest of his life. One morning there's a mad stranger in his garden chasing a swarm of bees, and it seems John's decision is made.

High Mountain Tea Leaves by disfictional (23K, E, Johnlock) A mountaintop robbery on a Japanese-occupation-era train where the only item stolen was a small case of mysterious tea leaves in a backpack? An ideal Christmas gift, two days late. Sherlock convinces John to travel for tea.

Detours by saintscully (22K, M, Johnlock, Sherlock/OMC) During the better part of the first year following Mary's death and the events at Sherrinford, Sherlock and John are slowly rebuilding their lives and their friendship. All seems (relatively) well and John takes comfort in once again being a father, a doctor and a friend. An unexplained shift in Sherlock's behaviour catches John by surprise, and he begins to worry about his place in his friend's life. John has to examine everything he thought he knew about Sherlock, himself and their relationship in order to win his rightful place yet again.

hands full of matter by simplyclockwork (21K, E, Johnlock) When Sherlock is captured in Serbia, Mycroft cannot afford to involve the British government in his rescue. Instead, he sends John. After two years spent thinking Sherlock was dead, John finds himself navigating not only Sherlock’s rescue but their fractured friendship as well.

The Victim Experience by J_Baillier (16K, T, Gen) A case takes Sherlock and John deep into the seedy underbelly of the haunted attractions industry. With audiences craving more and more intense experiences, is a real murder the next logical step?

On the Fence by BeautifulFiction (13K, T, Johnlock) The murder of the King's College fencing champion leads to revelations about Sherlock's past. Will it be the point that tips them from friends to lovers, or will they remain on the fence?

Plus bonus ACD era:

"Baker Street: The Sleep of Reason": A Memoir by John H. Watson, M.D. by Gaedhal (98K, M, Johnlock, Johniarty) This is a Victorian Era story in the "Sherlock Holmes" (2009) Ritchie-verse. The main characters are Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson and is from the doctor's memoirs. It was written before "A Game of Shadows" so there are differences in this story and film canon, mainly in the person and backstory of one particular character.

The Taste of Truth by sanguinity (25K, T, Johnlock) Two and a half years after Reichenbach, John Watson discovers the magical tree that caused Holmes to fake his death.

The Adventure of the Vatican Cameos by Garonne (18K, E, Johnlock) How should one behave when waking for the first time in the bed of one's dearest friend? Holmes and Watson solve a case in Catholic London while navigating the turbid waters of their new relationship.

Hot Water by wordybirdy (13K, E, Johnlock, Watson/Gregson) Dr. John Watson's libidinous affair with a respected Scotland Yard inspector abruptly judders to a halt when the former meets a certain Mr. Sherlock Holmes, Consulting Detective, for the very first time. The attraction between the two is strongly mutual, but misunderstandings only multiply and tensions abound, as all three men attempt to deal with the new situation.

[seymour-butz-stuff]

Among the many weapons of choice carried by the domestic terrorists who attacked the U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6, one of the more common was the ordinary nylon zip tie. In addition to their well-understood industrial uses, these flexible, non-yielding fasteners are also commonly used by law enforcement as restraints.

Since they have a perfectly innocent utility, carrying them can hardly be considered a crime under normal circumstances. But when one has no such utilitarian intentions and proceeds to instigate a confrontation in a non-violent environment, such as a school, carrying zip ties can have only one purpose: to intimidate, frighten, or to inflict bodily harm.

An Arizona parent enlisted the assistance of two friends after his child was told to quarantine from possible exposure to COVID-19. Equipped with what have been characterized as “law enforcement zip ties,” the three then proceeded to enter their son’s school and threaten the principal.

As reported by Andrea Salcedo of The Washington Post:

When an Arizona school employee called a parent on Thursday to share that his son had come in close contact with someone who tested positive for the coronavirus, the dad was told his son must stay at home for at least a week.

Instead, later that morning, the man walked into Mesquite Elementary School with his son and two other men carrying zip ties before confronting the principal over the school’s quarantine policy, Vail Unified School District Superintendent John Carruth told The Washington Post.

In a meeting with the principal, Carruth said, the men threatened to call local authorities and conduct a “citizen’s arrest” if the student was not allowed to rejoin school activities immediately. That is when the principal, who explained that the school was following guidance issued by the local health department, ordered the trio to leave, Carruth said.

Mesquite Elementary School is in the Vail School District, which under Arizona state law follows the recommendations of the local health department (in this case, the Pima County Health Department). The principal and the Tucson-area school were simply following state protocol in requesting the child to quarantine, a fact that was repeatedly explained by the principal to all three of the intruders. Police arrived after the incident, which left the principal unharmed, after all three men had left the building.

The two individuals accompanying the parent are described in The Post article as a “local business owner,” and the other simply as a member of the local community. The father, identified by Justin Rohrlich of The Daily Beast as 40 year-old Rishi Rambaran, was later arrested, cited for trespassing, and released.

As Rohrlich reports, the “business owner” accompanying Rambaran was one Kelly Walker, who is quite active in right-wing self-promotion.

Walker, a local marketing strategist and copywriter, co-owns a coffee shop in Tucson with his wife and in-laws. The shop, which describes itself as “Tucson’s hub of Freedom and delicious coffee,” recently hosted a meet-and-greet with far-right author and convicted felon Dinesh D’Souza. Next month, Walker, who compared Thursday’s elementary school dust-up to Rosa Parks’ struggle for equal rights, will be welcoming Matthew Lohmeier, a disgraced Space Force lieutenant colonel who was relieved of his post in May over a self-published book warning of an impending “white genocide,” as well as a “neo-Marxist agenda” within the military “designed to patiently and methodically overthrow the US government and replace it with a communist dictatorship.”

Walker recorded a video of himself in his car en route to the school, and another of the confrontation with the principal, which he then proudly posted on Instagram. At the outset of the first video, Walker explains that his friend, Rambaran, had called and requested his assistance. Although he notes he has no children in the school system (he took them out to homeschool them), Walker claims he’s standing for his community in the video, by opposing what he calls “lawbreakers” who are “gonna bully their own people” with their “ridiculous sedition.” He also calls on fellow community members to assist him in this confrontation as “backup.”

Isn’t it about time to charge the manchildren with attempted murder for bringing someone they know could easily be infected with a deadly virus that has killed over half a million people, minimum, in the US?

Walker’s second video depicts the actual incident involving Principal Diane Vargo. In it, the third individual (who has not been identified) can clearly be seen holding the zip ties; Walker even proudly holds them out for the camera, saying “We’re just going in to talk … first.” Walker can be heard explaining his rationale to his anticipated Instagram audience, and the remainder of the video is filmed in the principal’s office, with the child (who appears to be about nine years old) present.

“I’m in touch with the legislature,” Walker proclaims as he harangues Vargo. “You are acting against the law … If you try to keep doing this you’re going to have a big problem.” He also claims to be “a scientist, who wrote about COVID.” In an unintentionally amusing moment, Walker declares that its not his desire to be “adversarial,” even as his thug friend stands in front of Vargo with zip ties at the ready. To her immense credit, Vargo remains calm and even seems bemused throughout the incident.

Rambaran, the parent, a burly man twice the size of the principal, then declares that the law has been violated because his child was forced to wear a mask, and declares that the principal may thereby be arrested: “I’m not joking.” he says to the principal’s assistant. Walker then chimes in and says, “We’re done playing games.” The principal then asks all of the men to leave, after explaining the protocols she is required to follow, and Walker refuses.

The content of the video was also summarized by an Associated Press:

“I have asked you to leave the office,” the principal at one point calmly tells the men, according to video posted on social media.

“No, we’re not leaving,” a man’s voice responds. “You’re trying to control the situation. You’re not going to control the situation.”

Rambaran becomes more menacing at one point, threatening to arrest the principal and reiterating that she “does not control the situation.” The video shows Rambaran speaking to his wife on the phone as well. Significantly, his son appears to bend over, holding his head in his hands at the 11:12 mark of the video, and maintains this position for about 30 seconds.

About 12 minutes into the video, the principal finally decides she’s had enough. With the unidentified man stalking about in her office, brandishing the zip ties with both hands, Rambaran stands up and declares he’s prepared to be arrested. Walker pontificates some more about his relationship to the attorney general and adds a few memorable untrue statements, such as “no one has ever said that masks stop transmission [of the virus].” The video ends before the trio leave the building.

This, of course, is merely the most recent incident of angry, misinformed parents essentially being egged on by bogus right-wing rhetoric. The threat of making a citizen’s arrest by means of forcibly restraining a school official is unique, however, and speaks to the hidden element of menace and violence that permeates all through this type of rhetoric. The only reason zip ties would be contemplated is if they expected a struggle to ensue. The added performative element to these incidents, in which everyone seems to be auditioning for some type of reality show, is equally disturbing.

At some point, the confluence of a still-misinformed, ignorant and frustrated public—a culture that essentially glorifies and extols the virtue of guns and melodramatic violence as a way to resolve disputes—and a continuing, lethal pandemic are bound to reach critical mass. As the delta variant continues to wreak havoc among the unvaccinated population,  and with the school year just beginning, the question seems no longer to be if something bad is likely to occur, but rather when and where.

[oswincoleman]

Jenna Coleman picture of the day, celebrating International Women's Day while filming The Magician's Apprentice, together with Michelle Gomez, and all the women involved in the production of Doctor Who. 

For the occasion, I thought I would highlight a few quotes from Jenna:

“There are so many pressures on women,” she continues, “to feel that motherhood is the most wonderful thing in the world and it is, absolutely, it’s precious and it’s beautiful, but that really doesn’t mean you can’t have these other things in your life and I think everyone needs to be a little bit more forgiving of mothers who don’t feel guilty for wanting a bit of independence still… I think we all seem to have so many standards on how it’s supposed to be and I think it’s toxic really.”

In fact, Coleman has been thinking a lot about women lately – not just mothers, but about how we all find our place in a world where gender dynamics have been shifting under our feet. The rise of the #MeToo and Time’s Up movement in the wake of the scandal surrounding the disgraced movie mogul, Harvey Weinstein, has been “amazing… but I think the only way for that to really have impact is for those conversations to keep happening and those facts to keep on surfacing and just keep on going with it… It’s definitely made me feel less apologetic for myself.”

In what way did she feel she had to apologise? Coleman blinks slowly and tilts her face downwards. “I think sometimes over the past couple of years, because I was young and female, there was definitely a feeling like I perhaps didn’t have as much right to an opinion.”

From: https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2018/sep/16/jenna-coleman-interview-being-me-makes-me-feel-self-conscious

"I think this year has proved there's an active interest in seeing a spectrum reflected back at you, rather than a stereotype, and people at the top realising that will sell and that's what people want. But I do think there's still a way to go - if you're not playing the young girl or the mum or the older lady, there's quite a void in roles for women."

From: https://www.femalefirst.co.uk/celebrity/jenna-coleman-calls-great-female-roles-1172537.html

Originally from Harper’s Bazaar, but I couldn’t find the article itself. 

Over the years, Jenna has taken a keen interest in playing parts that are definitely not the stereotypical roles for women. And she has supported female authors, who are still underrepresented in the acting industry. Victoria is written by Daisy Goodwin.

And The Cry was written by Jacqueline Perske based on the novel from Helen FitzGerald. 

[101flavoursofweird]

For the ten line drabbles, would you do 20 for any combination of Kat, Ernest, and Sherl (either two of them or all three of them together)? Thank you!

[[Apologies, this ended up being more than ten lines and didn’t even include the quote, though it definitely inspired it! Thank you for giving me the chance to finally write a fic about my Sherl theory!]]

20. “If you feel safer with me being there, you know I will always be there.”

“Aurora, our messenger, do you wish for this human to be reborn as a beast?”

“Yes, please. He has brought a great deal of suffering upon the world and to the fabric of time. And he hurt the professor… Also, can you take away his memories, like you did for me?”

“We were able to accomplish that as you were an Azran golem—“

“I was a sentient being with a beating heart. Surely you can do this same for this man?”

“…Very well. We will grant your wish.”

—

Kat had gone out for dinner with her inspector brother and her chef sister, leaving Ernest and Sherl to ‘manage’ the agency by themselves. (Or rather, stall any clients until Kat got back.)

Sherl thought this would be the perfect time for a dognap, but then Pipstripes decided to switch on the television while he was dusting.

Uuugh, that stupid black box! Why did Kat have to bring it in here, and place it on the drawers right above Sherl’s bed? Why couldn’t she find another way entertain herself when it was raining cats and dogs outside?

Sherl covered his ears as the droning voice of a news reader came on.

“—on this day, seven years ago, that the St. Herald Hotel collapsed during one of the worst storms in British history—“

“Who cares what happened seven years ago?” Sherl groaned. “That’s... forty years ago for a dog...”

“Shush, Sherl,” Ernest said, his gaze glued to the television.

“—While the establishment had received five star ratings in the past, it was undergoing maintenance work at the time, making some rooms unstable—“

“That thing will rot your brain,” Sherl warned. You would never catch Sherl gawking at a screen.

He couldn’t see in full colour anyway...

For him, it was mainly grey with some shades of blue and yellow. Pinstripes stood out like a sore thumb with his waistcoat and his trousers. Sherl could distinguish Kat’s yellow coat and her hat, but her dress just looked... dull. (Kat had nearly thrown a fit when Sherl told her this.)

As far as Sherl could tell, the news reader was a lady with long blonde hair, a grey suit and a solemn expression.

“All of the hotel staff and guests were able to escape, expect for one—“

“Poor sod,” Sherl snorted.

“—Former Prime Minister, Bill Hawks.”

Sherl’s ears perked up. “Who?”

“Shhhhh!”

“Did she say Prime Minister?” Sherl persisted. He stumbled out of his bed to get a closer look at the T.V.— at the photo of the man the news people had put up.

He was probably in his late fifties or early sixties, judging by his balding head, deep frown lines, droopy eyes and glasses... Sherl squinted, wondering if dogs could get glasses.

“Yes— from about twenty years ago,” Pinstripes informed him, frowning slightly. “If you listen, they’re going to talk about his life soon...”

Talk about him they did. Bill Hawks: Born in London, squeaked his way in to university, became a scientist at the Institute of Poly-something or other... until there was an explosion at the lab he worked in. An explosion, it turned out, that Hawks had caused with an experiment gone awry.

Sherl hummed. “Why does that sound so familiar?”

“The... explosion?” Pinstripes fiddled with the end of his feather duster. “It sounds like something out of a sci-fi film, doesn’t it?” He closed his eyes for a moment. “But it really did happen, over thirty years ago... and there were terrible repercussions ten years after. You might have heard Miss Layton discussing it...”

Sherl shook his head. He would have remembered if Kat had mentioned something like that. His short term memories were clear as crystal. It was his long term memories that were murky— at least, those prior to joining the Layton Detective Agency.

All he could remember from his past life was a tower falling down, and lightning flashing across the sky... but with each passing day, the details felt less precise and less important. Kat seemed to have given up on solving his case of amnesia altogether!

“Oh...” Pinstripes glanced out the window and back at Sherl. “Do you— surely you know about the Mobile Fortress attack? From a man called Clive Dove?”

For some reason, that name made Sherl shudder. Still, he answered, “No...”

“He tried to destroy London? There were crushed buildings and a gaping tear left in the ground?” Pinstripes said, his eyes wide with disbelief. “It took them years to repair—“

“I might seem older than you kids,” Sherl interrupted, “but I can’t have been alive for more than six or seven years.” He was a ‘mature dog’ (according to the vet), but that couldn’t compare to a human lifespan. Kat’s grandmother, Rosa, was in her seventies!

Pinstripes waved his hand. “Right, sorry... Anyway, Clive Dove was put in prison— thanks to Miss Layton’s father— and he remains there to this day.”

“Good,” Sherl huffed. “Sounds like this Dove was barking!”

“That’s really not funny...”

“What made him go round the bend?”

Ernest winced. “He, um... he wanted to get revenge... because his parents died in that lab explosion.”

Sherl stuck out his teeth. “But if Bill Hawks was behind the explosion... then why didn’t Dove just go after him? Why take it out on everyone—?”

“I don’t know!” Ernest dropped the feather duster. He sighed heavily and crouched to pick it up. Turning his back on Sherl, he resumed his dusting around the television.

The news reader was exposing more about Bill Hawks; by sweeping his crimes under the rug and making shady deals, Hawks had climbed the political ladder to the very top.

Then he was kidnapped by one of his former scientist colleagues and taken to an underground fake ‘Future London’...

“So that’s what she meant...” Sherl breathed. When he’d first arrived at the agency, Kat had asked if he had a ‘letter from the future’. Had her father been sent such a letter?

Sherl’s heart pounded at the next part of the news report. Clive Dove had imprisoned Bill Hawks in the Mobile Fortress, using Bill’s heartbeat to power the machine... That was intense!

Fortunately for Hawks, Professor Layton had saved him and shut down the fortress.

After they all escaped, Hawks had ensured Dove was arrested, put on trial immediately, and locked up for life.

During Dove’s trial, however, Hawks’ disreputable past had been brought to light. Hawks wasn’t put behind bars, but he had to pay a lot of compensation money for the victims of the institute explosion and for the Mobile Fortress attack.

A clip from an interview was shown— a man from Barkleys Bank described Hawks’ loss of financial backers as his approval ratings dropped. (Poor Barkleys, having to represent Bill Hawks...)

Disgraced, Bill had resigned from his post as prime minister and disappeared from the public eye. His wife had divorced him and he had started mooching off his parents’ inheritance.

“Good-for-nothing fat-cat...” Sherl grumbled. You wouldn’t catch his pups leeching off their families like that. When Kat’s father went missing, she had set up a detective agency. When Ernest’s mother died, he had worked his way up to university— and taken an unpaid job on top of that!

Sherl hoped there were assassination attempts made on Hawks’ life after everything he had done.

But no... It seemed that the world had forgotten about Bill Hawks as soon as he left office.

By all accounts, his death at the St. Herald Hotel had been deemed an accident. He had just been in the wrong place at the wrong time, asleep when the roof above him collapsed.

“...Did he wake up in unbearable pain or did he die peacefully in his sleep?” the news reader lady pondered.

“Oh, come on, woman!” At this point, Sherl was standing on his hind legs with his paws pressed up against the television screen. “I need to know! That skid mark deserved to suffer—!”

“We may never know for certain,” the news reader went on, smiling impassively. “But some might say that justice was served on that day... Thank you for listening! And now, over to Puzzlette for the pollen report...”

“Waste of time...” Sherl flounced away from the television and looked around. He spotted the T.V. remote on the settee. “Turn it off, will you, Pinstripes?”

With a huff, Pinstripes turned off the television. He tossed the remote back on to the settee.

Sherl flicked his tail. “What’s got you so hot under the collar?”

“N-nothing...” Pinstripes crossed his arms as if he was trying to contain something in his chest. Whatever it was— anger, grief or uneasiness— Sherl reckoned Pinstripes wouldn’t be able to hide it for long. (He had broken down the minute Kat accused him of being Lord Adamas.)

“You might as well tell me,” Sherl prompted. “Kat’s out, and it’s not like anyone else can hear...”

Sherl prided himself on being a good secret-keeper. He hadn’t told Kat about Pinstripes’ crush, besides a few snide remarks. He hadn’t turned that street dog, Yapper, over to the pound. And he hadn’t ratted out that mouse who would occasionally nip in to steal Kat’s food...

Pinstripes whispered, “You... you can’t tell Miss Layton. She and her family would hate me...”

“Is it worse than what you did at Richmond Court?” Sherl asked. He made a furtive glance at the door.

“N-no!” Ernest exclaimed, his voice rising a pitch. “It doesn’t even involve me directly... but it does involve... one of my family members.”

Sometimes, Sherl was glad that he couldn’t remember his relatives. He didn’t have to deal with any of that family drama— unless Kat and Ernests’ issues counted as drama.

“Just spit it out,” Sherl growled.

“I... I’m related to Bill Hawks,” Ernest burst out. “Distantly!”

After all the cases Sherl had solved with Kat, that wasn’t too surprising to hear. Sherl cocked his head to the side. “How ‘distant’ are we talking?” He had heard that a lot of Europe’s royal families were related. Did it work the same way with lords and politicians?

“Quite distant... He was my grandfather’s second cousin!” With the cat finally out of the bag, Ernest sighed shakily. He sank on to the settee and tucked his knees under his chin, pulling himself into a tight ball. He looked more like a child than a lanky young man, but then again, he was only nineteen. That was still young by human standards.

“Pinstripes...” Sherl murmured when he heard sniffling. Sherl padded over to the settee and jumped up beside him.

“P-please don’t tell Miss Layton,” Ernest repeated with a whimper. “I nearly— she let me stay... even after what I did. I don’t want to— to hurt her again...”

Knowing Kat, she had probably already discovered the connection between Ernest and Bill Hawks.

It was possible that she had figured out Sherl’s identity as well, but she was keeping quiet. Honestly... Sherl didn’t really mind at that moment.

What would he do if he knew about his past? Track down his family? Would they even be able to understand him? And what if he had left his loved ones on bad terms? He would struggle to make amends with them, and they might be even more upset.

It wasn’t like he could return to his old job, either... unless it involved police work, assisting people with disabilities, or herding sheep. There was always performing— who didn’t love a good dog act?  

But even then, it would be lonely if he couldn’t communicate with anyone.

At least if he stayed here, at the Layton Detective Agency, he could make a difference. He would do his best to help their clients... as well as Ernest and Kat.

Sherl curled up next to Ernest on the settee. After a while, Ernest’s sniffs stopped and he started stroking Sherl’s head.

Maybe one day they would find a way to transform animals into humans... but until then, Sherl didn’t mind being a detective’s dog. There were fates far worse than this.

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again

the last fuckin one of the year. i posted one of these almost every week. you can find all 50 posts @tuesday-again and every tuesday again song on this spotify playlist. 

listening fictional aisle, by tall boy special. this is nonsensical and delightful. i don’t know that it’s particularly well produced or that the music video is especially good but it’s a song that does what it says on the tin. 

reading high crimes by christopher sebela. good premise! disgraced former snowboarding champ now moonlights as a grave robber when she’s guiding rich tourists up everest! stumbles across a dead spy! mystery unravels in a disappointing way and the ending made me yell OH COME ON so loud the dog upstairs barked in alarm!

i do appreciate how the male author and the male artist gave me a sort of fucked up woman who is not sexy at all in her breakdown(s) and there aren’t any weird Hurt but Sexy panels even though she does have full mascara and falsies on in every closeup. they drank like three quarters of their glass of respect women juice

watching the thing (1982, dir. Carpenter). every year i watch a non-traditional christmas movie bc honestly fuck this holiday. i have not seen this since high school when i was trying to impress someone. it is understandable why it was not a hit at first, bc the pacing is fucked and this movie expects me to tell twelve (a full dozen!) scruffy men apart. i could not tell you the timeline of infection or who infected who based on one viewing.

i think it only gets actually tense when it’s an interpersonal thriller- when everyone’s super paranoid and trying to figure out who is infected based on??? idk??? vibes??? interpersonal bullshit before they figure the blood test out??? it’s a solid movie. i think it would be a much more interesting weird short experimental film and it doesn’t really need to be two hours. or if it does give me more of everyone slowly turning on each other and factions forming. 

also, the last time i saw this i had not played fallout 4 (because it wasn’t out) and i had to pause the movie and sigh deeply at the introduction of kurt russell as rj macready. bethany esda could have a made an interesting parallel with the synths or done ANYTHING with it other than going “oh cool name we’re big john carpenter fans bc people seem to like him??? don’t you like all the REFERENCES to OTHER BETTER MEDIA in OUR PIECE OF MEDIA???” but ALAS.

idk if i’m ever going to watch it again but i appreciate what it’s trying to do and its use of practical effects. also more movies should have flamethrowers for no particular reason. i think kurt russell did a good job trying to save the planet

playing three different open world games

genshin impact, the game i actually want to play and am enjoying although the current event is stressing me out a little bit

the redder deader redemption, the game i really need to learn to use a controller for and is stressing me out in a different way bc i already know i will pour several hundred hours of my life into it when i could be doing things like replaying fallout to tighten up my fic more. this is probably the one most likely to get shoved to the back burner for later.

and monster hunter, my best friend’s favorite game, bc nothing would make her happier than being able to play it with me and yanno what this is the least i can fucking do for her even though this is not a flavor of game i tend to enjoy (trial-and-error learn how to beat difficult bosses, lots of prepwork and nesting menus, the same reasons i will never play bloodborne or dark souls)

also, thinking about video games all day at work makes me want to play them less. which makes sense but is still disappointing

making made a thing, framed it, framed two other things. not generally a fan of framing things in hoops yet here we are

top left: sewed a little felt strip on the back of the previously-featured scorpio piece so it hangs properly on my wall

bottom left: pattern from @roachpatrol , a line from the Imperial Radch trilogy. this 40x40 tiny thing took just under five hours start-to-finish not counting washing & drying time (stitching, backstitching, all the fiddly bits involved with framing) while i caught up on waypoint radio

right: this was a christmas gift from my sister that came rolled up in a little packet. i don’t have enough felt to properly back it but it is washed, hooped, and i cut the circles of matboard and batting to keep it from collapsing in on itself over time. i don’t know if i want to put it in my bathroom, bc that’s where my washer and dryer live and everything gets linty and weird real fast. maybe the outside of the door

[faulty-writes]

Those headcanons about the ineffectual villain soulmate, would you please do some sequel headcanons? I think you mentioned once where maybe a cop or another hero would get tired of the reader making a nuisance out of themselves and then try to seriously hurt or kill them, so the boys save them.

[ I think I know what you are talking about. These headcanons right here. I enjoyed writing those, so hopefully this will be fun to write as well! I hope you enjoy! Do you guys prefer long or short headcanons because I wrote too damn much. Haha. ] 

Tenya Iida 

Being associated with the hero Ingenium could prove to be dangerous for any villain, however, you found that he had a certain charm about him. Very proper and straightforward. But you always had to watch your back, knowing that if any other villains knew about your connection to the turbo hero. It would cause trouble and despite Ingenium's efforts to try and change you. Steer you onto the path of heroism, you continued to refuse. Soulmate or not, you wanted to be a great villain. One that everyone would take seriously, though even Ingenium didn’t seem to fully believe your capabilities. 

So you had decided to try and prove the hero wrong, your latest scheme involved kidnapping the young child of a Pro Hero that happened to be rising in the ranks. You had tied the child up and though their crying was rather annoying, you stood on top of the tallest skyscraper you could find and grinned to yourself as you held your phone up and proceeded to make a live video. “That’s right! It is I, the villain you failed to take seriously! Well, what about now!?” you grinned as you held the child over the edge by their shirt collar. “Come now! Pathetic hero! Or your child shall suffer!” you threatened with a devilish grin. 

When the hero showed up, it was a rather messy battle that you knew was being filmed live on television and while various other heroes arrived to contain the scene. You were almost sad Ingenium wasn’t among them, especially because you had ended up dropping the child as you tried to fight against the hero, though unlike your past experiences. It seemed this hero was out to kill you, but you managed to escape when they made the choice to save their child. But your injuries had slowed you down and the authorities apprehended you, after going to the hospital you were locked away in a cell. 

Of course, no true villain can be kept behind bars and you made a hasty escape. Once more roaming the streets. News of your jail break immediately went up on the news and heroes began patrolling the streets to locate you. Like before, you expected Ingenium to arrive on the scene, instead you were greeted by the same hero whose child you had stolen and it was clear they were not happy with your behavior. 

“Hah, try your worst hero. You might have beaten me before, but this time you shall be the one on your knees.” you threatened, not hesitating to charge at them. However, they were quick and it seemed they memorized your fighting style as they proceeded to dodge every swing and kick. “Stand still!” you growled, trying once more to land a hit. But, it was clear you were outmatched and when you felt their fist collide with your cheek, you yelped. Your jawbone felt as though it cracked and the taste of blood filled your mouth. 

You whimpered as you tried to push yourself back up from the ground, but instead, you were greeted with the hero's foot colliding with your stomach and your body skimmed across the ground. You felt fresh cuts and scrapes oozing as you struggled to get up once more. “What a pathetic villain, I’ll be doing a favor by ridding this world of your existence.” the hero threatened and before you could react, their hand wrapped around your throat. 

You knew it wasn’t a villain’s place to feel fear, but with those fingers tightening. Cutting off your oxygen, you couldn’t help but feel scared and you hated it. At a hero’s mercy, yet another cruel reminder you couldn’t be the villain you wanted to be. But almost as if a miracle, you heard a voice break the tension. “Halt! I insist you release them and step away! For I...will not allow you to cause any harm to the one I cherish.” your eyes widened as you recognized it was Ingenium and for the first time, the idea of being saved by a hero made you smile. 

Ingenium had taken care of the so-called hero that attacked you with great haste, however, you ended up blacking out. Leaving your fate up to the hero that claimed to be your soulmate, of course, Ingenium could never leave the wounded behind and when you opened your eyes, you found yourself in the hospital. Ingenium was sitting by your side and gave you a warm smile, “I am very glad to see you are awake! I was hoping I could see your rather...beautiful eyes once more.” he said, and though you were a tad suspicious what would happen next. You managed to hold a conversation with Ingenium, but it led to a question you didn’t expect. 

While Ingenium had tried countless times to get you to turn sides, become a hero instead of a villain. He was shocked to know that a hero had done something so disgraceful to you, yes a hero’s job was to stop villains. But intentionally going in for the kill was unnecessary. “You are quite admirable in your efforts, that drive to not surrender, to not weaver to the troubles that interfere with your goal are unshaken. However, I am fearful that another will try and harm you,” he confessed before he reached over to take your hand. “Please..reconsider your path and...join me as my sidekick...” he said with a firm tone as if you had no choice but to agree. 

A villain...turned sidekick. Would that be reasonable? It was clear Ingenium would not give up and honestly, in your injured condition, you couldn’t argue. You knew there was a chance you’d end up in jail after you were released from the hospital, was Ingenium trying to save you yet again? Nearly losing your life had scared you, but heroes too risked their lives every day. Yet, you knew Ingenium would protect you from suffering such a fate. You found yourself hesitantly agreeing, though you were a little weary what the future would lie ahead for you. 

Izuku Midoriya 

Since you met the number one hero, Deku. Your life had been slowly changing, for better or worse you weren’t sure yet. But you cursed yourself because of your inability to actually hurt Deku, no matter how hard you tried. He had checkmated you and it was frustrating. Deku seemed to be the only one that took you seriously and you wanted everyone to treat you with that same respect. So you made a plan to attack the Hero Appreciation Festival. Surely that would get others to understand just how serious you were about being a villain. 

You had planted several bombs underneath the ground of the festival and when the timing was right, you set them off. It was almost a joy to hear those screams and watch as the heroes scurried around trying to fix the situation. It was a joyful sight, yet you almost expected to see Deku. It was a little discouraging he hadn’t shown, perhaps you needed to step up your game. Of course, you had managed to become a member of a villainous gang. They were recruiting new members and though they had laughed at you when you first wanted to join. Upon revealing your plan for the Hero Appreciation Festival, they seemed to change their mind. 

However, you might have left out a few details. For when you returned to them. You were greeted with severe punishment, maybe it had been unclear that your attack would be...explosive. But you quickly learned what it meant to be outmatched by villains who thought nothing of it as they pressed a knife to your already beaten and bloody throat. “Useless villain you are, pathetic even...one less member means nothing to me.” one of them said just before you felt that sharp metal press harder against your throat, creating a cut. A small amount of panic came as a thick line of blood began oozing down, soaking into the collar of your shirt. However just as they were about to drag it across your neck. The ceiling caved in and there stood the tall shadow of none other than Deku. 

“Deku!” you couldn’t help but exclaim the man’s name, hero or not. He was the only one that you seemed to trust and the only that would show up to save you. He looked at you with a smile before narrowing his eyes on the group of villains. “I’d suggest you...put that knife away,” he warned, but like most villains. They did not take the hero seriously and began to laugh at Deku’s warning. “Well...alright...have it your way,” he said before he kicked off the ground, leaving behind a large dent filled with cracked pavement. Your eyes widened as the blurry image of Deku closed in on you and before you realized. The villain that had the knife to your throat was smashed into the ground and you, in turn, were cradled in Deku’s arms. 

You hated to admit it, but once the battle was over and Deku had taken you to his apartment to patch you up. You felt nervous and a strange feeling seemed to weigh you down, was this the feeling of guilt? Deku had placed you in his bed and though you were expecting him to take you the police. Deku had instead pulled up a chair and looked at you with a serious glance. “Mind telling me why you were a part of that gang? You know...you...you deserve so much better than that,” he said and while you were shocked at his words, you ended up confessing why. Because no one took your villainous acts seriously. 

Deku seemed to understand, “That might be true, maybe you’re not the most feared but...y-you...you’re still amazing and I’m happy I arrived on time if anything happened to you...” he trailed off and your eyes widened, if anything happened to you what? No one would miss a villain, would they? You gasped when Deku rose from his chair and leaned over you, his hands pressing against the top of yours. “Well...maybe I can explain it better...this way...” he said as he leaned in, you found yourself backing up before you hit the headboard. Effectively trapping yourself and sucked in a breath as you felt the hero's lips press against yours. 

Mirio Togata 

Despite your best intentions in trying to work alongside Lemillion, your so called soulmate. You felt too awkward as if it wasn’t your calling. Despite Lemillion encouraging you every day, it was nice to hear such words but you just couldn’t keep up this act of heroism. Lemillion seemed to take notice of this, “What’s wrong, sunshine? Aren’t you happy with me?” he questioned with a frown, and while you almost wanted to lie. You confessed that you weren’t cut out to be a hero and wanted to leave. But Lemillion had tried to prevent you from doing so which resulted in you trying to attack him, but you couldn’t match up to his strength. 

Still, you managed to make a hasty escape and proceeded to try and resume your villainous ways. The easiest and quickest thing to do was to rob a jewelry store, of course, that was also tricky. With heroes patrolling the streets and citizens that might interfere, but even if you got caught. At least word of your evil deed would spread, still as soon as you broke the window to the jewelry store. An alarm sounded and you cursed before grabbing a handful of gems and rings. You ran out of the store and proceeded to climb onto the roof. Of course, several citizens gathered outside the building and pointed as you stood above them. 

Though you didn’t often find yourself second-guessing, you took a step back and scanned the crowd. Wondering if Lemillion would show up, but you shook your head. No, you didn’t need him. A growl escaped you and your hand reeled back before you threw the jewelry you had stolen. You heard some citizens shout and for a moment, you wondered if you had injured them with the jewelry you had thrown. You curiously stepped closer to the edge and looked over, however, that proved to be a mistake when a rock came. You yelped and stumbled back, holding your bleeding nose. You ended up missing your footing and fell to the ground below.  

As if it wasn’t bad enough to have fallen from a roof with a bloody nose, the wind had gotten knocked out of you when you hit the ground. But that didn’t stop the “innocent” civilians from kicking you when you were down. You cried out when you felt a surge of pain course through your sides from their abuse, further impacting your current inability to breathe. You tried to crawl away but let out another struggled sound as someone stomped on your hand. The taste of iron filled your mouth and you let out a whimper before one of the civilians was pulled back. You heard several gasps before you weakly looked up at the shadow that now loomed over you. They got down on one knee and reached their hand out, “Are you okay, sunshine?” they questioned. 

It was almost stupid for you to have felt safe when Lemillion scooped you into his arms, you could recall the way he glared at the civilians, “Not to be rude or anything, but no one is worthy of protection if they beat on the innocent. That includes my sunshine, you need to leave punishments up to the Pro’s.” he warned before walking off, you found yourself burying your face into the crook of his neck and he didn’t seem to mind, but you were a little concerned as to where he was taking you. But as soon as you saw a tall building with the words “Big Three Agency” you realized. 

It was strange to think an Agency would have a recovery wing, but in a way it made sense. Even heroes got hurt, but you kept quiet as Lemillion sat you down on the examination table and allowed the nurse to work on you. Once your injuries were patched up, the nurse ordered you to lay down as some of your ribs had gotten bruised. “I know that you want to be a villain and maybe being a hero isn’t your thing. But that's no excuse to put yourself in danger like that. What those people did was wrong but...what you did was wrong as well.” Lemillion said, crossing his arms. You almost wanted to roll your eyes, but deep down you knew he was right. 

You stayed in the recovery wing for a few days, Lemillion would come to see you every day. Honestly, you were almost glad for his company, that is until the day he decided to yet again remind you that you were his soulmate. He reached to grab your hands, placing a kiss on each one. “I know you may not believe this, but...I love you, villain or not, and...I’m sorry if this seems kind of harsh. But I can’t allow this to happen to you again.” you frowned, knowing where he was going with his words. “So I’m going to tell you...I’ve decided to give you a job here at my Agency. You’ll be safer and...” he paused and leaned over to hug you. “I’m not giving you a choice...” he said, but you were forming yet again another escape plan in your head. 

[popculturebuffet]

The Critic Valentine’s Day Double Feature (Pilot/Sherman, Woman and Child)

Vivia Jay Sherman! Viva Quebec! Viva Valentine’s Day! And Viva WeirdKev who as happens for a good chunk of my content payed for this wonderful double feature for one of my favorite shows.  The Critic was created by Al Jean and Mike Reis of The Simpsons fame, a comedy team supreme. While I knew the two wrote for the simpsons, more on that iin a minute, I had no idea just how many classics the two churned out: There’s No Disgrace Like Home, Moaning LIsa, The Telltale Head, The Way We Was, Stark Raving Dad (Sadly tainted by it’s guest star being a horirble monster but that’s not their fault), Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington, the treehouse of horror segments The Bart Zone and Clown Without Pity (The second of which may be my favorite treehouse of horror segment), and later coming back to write the story for one of my all time favorites Round Springfield and to outright write the classic “SupercalfragalisticexpalliDOHcious”.  And to his credit Jean would later go on to write some classic post-golden age simpsons episodes during his tenure as producer: Lisa’s Sax, Mom and Pop Art, and Children of a Lesser Clod, which is notable if nothing else for this gag. 

So yeah the guys are legends and were right to start their own show under Simpsons producer James L Brooks over at ABC. The show followed the adventures of film Critic, Jay Sherman, a parody of film critics with high brow tastes, impossibly high standards, and a huge opinon of himself, having won the pultizer at least once.  Despite this he was also constnatly spat and shat on by society, divorced, lonely, depressed and eats like a thousand pigs combined in some horrific science accident. And given the last three parts describe me, as well as my profession of b eing a critic, naturally I love the guy and this show. I’ll get into his cast as we go as the first episode does an excellent job of introducing the entire cast so there’s no sense repeating myself.  But the show’s style I can and will talk about: It’s basically Golden Age, i.e. season’s 1-10, simpsons, but with more pop culture refrences and movie parodies, since the show would often feature multiple on Jay’s show coming Attractions and took place in the celebrity hot spot of new york and was a love letter to the city.. and sometimes a hate letter but only when those digs at the city would be funny, which to be fair depsite never having been to or lived in new york most really are. That’s the series key asset: while a LOT of the jokes haven’t aged well as a lot of the celbreity refrences are dated as are some of the movie parodies, most are hilarious wether you get what their making fun of or not and to me tha’ts a good parody: where knowing what their making fun of HELPS, but you can laugh regardless. The show had the charm and pace of the Simpsons while having it’s own unique style and cast that was just as charming and I love it dearly.  The show sadly only lasted two seasons, with ABC canceling it after one, and Brooks having it moved over to FOX, which was a good idea and lead to what’s probably my faviorite simpsons episode, a Star is Burns. Ironically despite you know, the show being created by two simpsons writers, backed by one of their producers and perfectly in line, creator Matt Groening was against the idea, publicly ranted about it to the press, and generally was an ass about it. Look I love the guy and even Brooks, Jean and Reiss were all nice enough in thier criticsim of the guy, but sitll very much understandably pissed off. .and i’m with them. 

It gave what’s again, my faviorite episode and what is not a “30 minute add” but an episode that easily stands on it’s own and also you know, pokes fun at itself for being a crossover a few times. You don’t need to see the critic to enjoy it, and episodes most iconic gags, Boo-Urns, Man Getting HIt by a Football, Senior Speilbergo, all don’t involve jay. And again the shows were not at all dismilar: While the critic was it’s own thing it still had the simpsons sense of humor and pacing so I saw it more as a petty rant against having a crossover in general more than a legit critcisim. Especially since Groening had no such complaints decades later with the family guy crossover after both shows had all tehir talent surgically removed and had the gall to NOT remove a cheap shot at Bob’s Burgers. And yes i’m still bitter about seeing that in a promo for the special, Bob’s Burgers is fantastic, to the point that now, in a fabulous case of history repeating itself, it’s got it’s OWN show like the critic made by talented former crew members using a similar but sitll throughly unique comedy style , The Great North. My point is that controversy pisses me off, and The Great North is spectacular go watch it while you read this. 

So yeah the Critic is awesome, me and Kev are both fans, and there are plenty of romantic episodes abound as the show digs into Jay’s love life quite a few times and has episodes about his son’s first love, his boss finding a wife towards the end of the series, his parents rekindling their spark and in what’s easily my faviorite episode, his sister dating a grunge rocker. So there was no shortage of choices but the choice made was brilliant.. and i’m not saying that because i’m being paid to, as my review of splatter phoenix’s first episode in darkwing duck and woops should show, paying me does not guarantee that I have to LIKE what your paying me to review. But here I did and he pointed out the first episode of each season, with season two being a soft reboot that while keeping the premise and supporting cast changed a few things around and added two new main characters, and both involve jay finding a new love intrest and intorduce a lot of the cast. I found him to be right, so where we are and after the cut i’ll dive into the good and bad of both episodes and see what changed inbetween seasons. 

That gag will make sense.. later. Right now it’s time for our very first episode, the show’s very first episode as you could probably tell by the title. 

Pilot:  The pilot starts with Jay getting touched up by his Makeup Person Doris. Jay is played by legendary comedian John Lovitz, who this show gave me a deep and lasting appreciation for. Lovitz was at the time best known for his 5 year long stint on SNL, and film wise is best known for Three Amigos, the Brave Little Toaster, The Wedding Singer and Rat Race. Sadly while I do geninely love the guy.. he has been in enough crap to destroy the New York Sewer system, as everyone needs money and sadly not everyone appricates the talents of John Lovitz like I do. 

So naturally he’s also been in The Stepford Wives remake, Grown Ups 2, The Ridiculous 6, Eight Crazy Nights, North, Benchwarmers and Benchwarmers 2: Breaking Balls. Yes that’s an actual movie, though it’s already better than the first one for virtue of not having Rob Schnider and David Spade starring in it despite.. that title. The irony is not lost on me that Lovitz has essentially made his money starring in the kinds of films Jay was forced to see for his job.  Still a VERY talented, very lovely man.

Before we get to our next voice actor up, no profile of Jon would be complete without mentioning that time he slammed Andy Dick’s face into a bar. To make a very long story short, Lovitz was friends with the late great Phil Hartman, who even did some voice work for this very show, whose wife who had severe drug and mental ilness killed them both. Phil had told Lovitz he saw Dick give his wife cocaine, so after Phil’s tragic murder when Lovitz and Dick ended up on the same show, Lovitz ended up exploding at the guy out of grief and blamed him for her death, but later apologized like a gentleman.  Living up to his name though Dick later went up to Lovitz at a restraunt Lovitz owned and said “I’m giving you the Phil Hartman curse, you die next”. Granted he was drunk but still...

Naturally Lovitz banned the guy and Lovitz later demanded an apology when the two ran into each other when they ran into each other at Lovitz regular gig at the comed store. Dick not only refused to apologize even when Lovitz put him against a wall, but said it was because “you blamed me for her death”... which was a decade ago with change by this point, the actions of a man GREIVING for his best friend whose wife’s relapse you caused which inadveradntly lead to her and her husband’s death, and something HE APOLOGIZED FOR. Naturally Lovitz took this how you would and did what we’d all like to do in general and broke the shit out of his face and only didn’t do more because they were seperated. IN short this man is a hero and I wil lbring up this story at every opportunity.  Doris was played by the late voice actress Doris Grau, a script supervisor who worked on a LOT of films as one , the most notable I could find on wikipedia being Clue. This is a fact I just learned today but boy if it isn’t neat. Grau mostly did aditional voices for shows, most notably Ducktales and the Simpsons, where she played Lunchlady Doris, and of course this show. Still she seemed like a very funny and talented woman and it’s sad she’s gone.  The two start the series mostly sniping at each other and while that never ENTIRELY goes away, Doris gets more supportive after a spotlight episode where she and Jay bond and Jay thinks she might be his mom. And while she’s not this surprisingly sticks and for the rest of the series while still not above making potshots at him on occasion, she’s far more supportive. She also informs him she’s out of spray on hair “I’m bald and ugly, get more!”. This show is naturally comedy gold and a lot of it relies on Lovitz sense of timing, though the rest of the cast aren’t slouches but we’ll get to them as we go.  She ends up putting a hat over him and we get our first film parody, Rabbi PI starring Anuld, which is alright. Not one of the series best but passable and gets the gimmick of having film parodies on jay’s show across, which was a nice way to set it apart from the Simpsons. Jay reviews it on the Shermometor, a gimmick jay hates and that disappeared by season 2, giving it a bellow zero to the ire of his boss Duke Phillips.  Duke is one of the best parts of the show, an unhinged southren billlonare who was a modeled after Ted Turner, down to the mustache, who built up his fried chicken franchise into a multimedia congrlomorate and is also mildly nuts, though that part would be more of a thing in season 2. In season 1, he’s mostly there to make Jay’s life hell, with about half of the seasons episodes having him either fire jay or put his job in jeapordy versus 2 the next season. He’s still not unfunny, but most of his best stuff is in season 2 when Charles Napier’s allowed to cut loose a little more and the character wasn’t shoehorned into just being a clueless executive.  Charles Napier is a longtime character actor who showed up in TONS of films and tv shows too many to list.. and trust me with some of the lists of credits before and after this that’s saying something, his biggest voice rolls being in this series and Men and Black the Series as Zed. But needless to say he was ALWAYS this awesome and sadly passed in 2011.  Jay’s guest for the day is Valerie Fox, an up and coming actress whose first film kiss of death is coming out soon.. and whose age is an engima and it’s only a problem because if she’s 20, like the episode mildly suggests giving her starting career and her voice actress being that age, then this gets really gross as jay is 17 years older than her then. But given she looks older than that and sounds certainly older than that, i’m going more with 30, since she looks more like it, and sharon stone, who she’s mildly based on given she stars in a basic instinct knockoff and does the leg thing, was 32 at the time of basic instinct.  Valerie is voiced by Jennifer Lien, aka Kes from star trek voyager who I only know about because of reviews done by SF Debris and Allison Pregler. She was the childlike love intrest of Nelix, the ship’s resident pain in the audience asses who made them BEG for early seasons wesley crusher and who once, and I saw footage this wasn’t SF Debris exagreated, lunged at a crewmate in a jealous rage, unfounded by the way since Tom was AVOIDING kes depsite being attracted to her as he just wnated her to be happy and to not mess up her relationshpi, and screamed “i’ll kill you!”. Point is she hasn’t had a huge career, but was still worth noting and does a fantastic job here. Again I did not realize she was that young at the time by her voice, and that means she did a great job. 

So Jay’s smitten with her, finds her super attractive and she asks him out.. but to the show’s credit, and Jay’s he does try to rebuff her because he knows ther’es a conflict of intrest there.. but ends up giving in. However at least the show not only is upfront that there’s an issue here but that ends up being the thrust of the last act. Granted there’s still some.. questionable stuff like when she does the basic instinct leg cross and he says “can we get a shot of that”, which no.. Jay.. no you can’t. Ewwww. Seen far worse, like It’s Pat, which was a VERY real SNL sketch about people trying to guess the titular pat’s gender because that’s not creepy or invasive even for the time. And they made a movie out of it because Wayne’s World was popular forgetting that Wayne’s World, one of my faviorite movies by the way and one I need to cover here sometime this year now the thought’s occured to me, was a labor of love, with a talented director and actual ideas from it’s two leads who actually fleshed out the character versus a concept that was NEVER funny to begin with and has gotten down right horrifying with age. And wasn’t I talking about the Critic? Not the abusive jackass mind you, Jay Sherman. 

Ah yes so Jay takes Valerie to a date at Lane Riche, the rich jackass where we meet Vlada, a vaugely european man whose your typical hollywood suckup. As Jay puts it in a later episode  Vlada: I love you too Jay: You only love my money Vlada: That’s true but it is a love that will never die.  He also naturally scoots Jay to a less nice table in the Critic’s section once Conan O’Brian shows up... which WAS supposed to be a different kind of joke, as at the time Conan was just a writer on the simpsons and SNL, but now given he has a decades long career in late night and famously said fuck you to NBC during that whole Tonight Show debacle, which netted him his own show on TBS, it comes off more as the kind of self deprciating gag Conan makes about himself. So in other words it’s actually funnier now? 

As for the critic’s section that’s a part of the series I’ve neglected to talk about so let’s do that: The kind of critic Jay is, one who plays clips of the movie and reviews them.. on television. And were usually academics who looked down on popular film, the kind Siskel and Ebert popularized, and both suprisingly had a huge guest apperance in season 2 and even reviewed the show on their show. This kind of film criticism just dosen’t exist on tv that i’m aware of anymore, and mostly lives on with internet reviewers , many of whom were inspiried by critics like this, and who range from acadmeics to average joes to some mixture of both. It never went away just simply went to a younger generation. Some of which squandred it and somehow still have a career like certain abusuive jackasses i’ve mentioned enough with that one gag a few paragraphs ago. Point is it’s a much more varied and different game now so the critic ended up as one of those shows or movies where the main characters very job feels like an artifact of it’s time, like our heroes in Wayne’s World hosting a public acess show, when nowadays they’d just put it up on youtube or the entire idea of a UHF station in well.. UHF. It’s not a BAD thing, just something to note. 

But the date goes well as Valerie shows she’s really into jay and even takes him oggling her in stride, though we do get an utter classic of a gag when Jay says something about women being drawn to him.. and cue an old woman asking to rub his nonexistant hump for luck “You hunchbacks are all alike”. She does so anyway to his understandable annoyance. 

But the two go back to Jay’s place, talk about his acomplishments including a pulitzer and then well.. the obvious happens they go to bed together and the next day after Valerie is horrified at his just woke up fac,e he gives her an easy out but she’s fine with it. It honestly shows just how low the poor guy’s self esteem is that he just.. assumes a woman will regret having slept with hima nd walk out and while played for laughs it really gives a clear look into Jay’s mental state: He’s so full of self loathing, not helped by the world being out to get him, that it’s really oddly endearing. And VERY releatable.  The two are interupted by Jay’s son Marty. Marty is played by the very recognizable and very wonderful Christine Cavanagh, who sadly passed away in 2014. She voiced Chuckie Finster, Gosalyn Mallard, Oblina, Dexter from Dexter’s Lab and the titular pig from Babe. She decided to retire in 2001, so while her career was only about a decade she made quite the impact and is sorely missed. Unsuprisingly her usual voice is perfect for the very awkward Marty, who Jay asks to tell eveyrone about the beautiful woman in his bed especially his unfaithful and utterly loathsome ex wife ardith. 

This scene demonstrates two problems. The first is just the pilot as Jay’s kind of sleazy. While Jay being thirsty wouldn’t go away, especially in the episode Lady Hawke, it’d be made more awkwardly endearing. Here there are moments of him just plain being creepy like the aformentioned oggling, which while not bad in itself, if a bit awkawrd, also has him creepily muttering to himself while doing so which removes any charm or relatability and just sends it straight into needing 10 showers just to wash this scene off. The rest of the series would just turn him into a bit desperate at worst.  It also explains why the only other romantic story the guy has in the season is a pastiche of misery. Thanfully this would be GREATLY adjusted next season but we’ll get to that. 

The other problem is just the tone... we get a good half a minute of Marty talking about how he calls Ardith’s boyfriend “Uncle Al” because he likes him a lot.. to his dad’s face. And granted his dad is being creeptastic this episode but the early episodes just pile on the Jay hatred by the world a bit thick, to the point one episode puts him as “worse than hitler”. Granted the audience is full of idiot teens who have no idea who hitler is, and the gag is kinda funny, but it makes my point: Jay is just utterly shat on by the world, and while he does get a few wins, most are undercut by something awful and it gets taxing sometimes. The guy is just too loveably pathetic to hate, too relatable even as a teen and not snobish enough to be really loathsome or WANT to see him knocked down by the world. It’s not overwhelming enough to ruin the first season, it still has good episodes but this episode does highlight a LOT of these problems.  He does get to spend the day with val though, dancing outside the trump buliding, seriously even back then he was a joke and his lack of money half the time was well known.. how did the last four years happen, and they tell each other they love each other. I’d aww if I didn’t know how this ended.  So jay relates the good news of how he feels to his best friend, Jeremy Hawke, played by Maurice LaMarche. LaMarche is one of the most talented voice actors alive, a master of impersonations paticuarlly orson welles, who was naturally brought on board because they knew they were going to need a lot of celebrity voices for the film parodies and needed one or two guys to do them to keep it cheap. The guy is like most of this cast a legend in the industry, having voiced the Brain, Squit, Dizzy Devil, the Human Ton, Big Bob Pataki, Egon Spengler, Sleet,  Kiff Kroker, Headless Body of Agnew, Morbo, Various other Futurama characters because that list is long, Mortimer Mouse, Blue Falcone, Father, Yosemite Sam, Vincent Van Ghoul, Doctor Doom, Abradolf Lincler, and Odval. Point is the guy has been engranged in my childhood and adulthood and will probably even after he’s gone come back from the grave to do some voices. He even got the part of Jeremy Hawke here because he happened to do a REALLY good australian accent depsite not being australian. Jeremey was a combination of paul hogan, the star of the Crocodile Dundee movies and at the time sex symbol and at this time known anti semite Mel Gibson. Obviously neither of those refrences has aged paticuarlly well, but since hollywood ALWAYS has room for a super hunk from australia, just ask Chris Hemsworth or before him Hugh Jackman, the character still works and his breakout role, Crocodile Ghandi is so ludcrious it works. I.e. a white australian man playing the mahtma and saying before he brings peace “First a tasteful shot of my bum for the ladies. Jeremy, while sometimes increidbly oblvious, is still a fairly nice easygoing guy and an extremley loveable character. And whie Jay worries about Valrie meeting him because he’s sex on a cracker she ignores him and jay gloats for a bit, paticuarlly with the great bit “take your genatalia right back to australia”. And while Jeremy’s happy for him he tries to reign Jay in when Jay talks asking her to marry him.  As Jeremy later relates on Jay’s fire escape “Bubala, i’ve learned there’s two things you should never do: Marry an actress and wear blackface to the naacp image awards. Two things I found out the hard way. “

So Jay takes her to meet his parents and finds out he’s adopted.. and their also rich. Jay’s waspy parents are his cold and overly honest mother Elanor, played by  Judith Ivey, his kooky dad and THE best part of the series Franklin played by Gerrit Grahm and his loving and free spirited teenager sister Margo played by Nancy Cartwright.  Okay (cracks knuckles) here. we. go. Judith Ivey is a tony wining stage actress and has also directed numerous plays and is mostly known for her stage work but I know her from Designing Women where she played BJ in the last season. Garret Grahm apparently shows up in a lot of brian depalma movies, including Beef in phantom of the paradise, a lot of tv work and to my shock the asshole dad from Child’s Play 2. Another thing I genuinely love I wasn’t aware an actor or actress from this series had a part in.  Finally there’s Nancy Cartwright, who you DEFINTELY know from the Simpsons, where she plays Bart, along with Nelson, Ralph, Kearny, Database, and Maggie, and Kearny. Other credits include Pistol Pete, Mindy from Animaniacs, Chuckie Finster picking up for Christine Cavanagh ironically enough, Lu and Rufus from Kim Possible. She’s a talented lady and i’m glad sh’es still around. Whew. 

Okay so yeah I do love the shermans and fraknlin is again easily the best part of an already excellent series and unlike Duke that’s in full display here, with him saying, when his wife mentions they were going to give jay back at one time, “Son if I’ve said it once I said it a thousand times.. who are all you people. “ and he’d only get better. Sadly he’s NOT in sherman woman and child. Our loss really. But he’s in pretty much every other episode of season 2 thankfully and most of this season so eh, fair trade off. Also we get the classic line, after Jay says he’ll love valrie even when he’s decaying in the ground, his mom quips “Cna’t we go one meal without talking about your rotting corpse?” Though Eleanor understandably thinks Valarie is using jay for a good review. Margo suspects her of the same and takes her on a horse ride, though all she can gleam is that Val genuielly loves jay and welcomes her to the family.  Jay however does decide to duck out of the inteview by faking sick, which leads to a really sweet moment where Valerie visits him and they dance, in a hilaroius but oddly sweet parody of Beauty and the Beast, Beauty and King Dork. Despite the title and the song insluting him a LOT it’s still just endearing. This is a problem but we’ll get to in just a moment WHY all these touching moments are a problem.  So naturally things don’t go that well for Jay as Duke has a tape of the film sent to him “My shrink was right: GOd does hate me!”

Naturally kiss of death is bad and valrie is bad in it and Jay is left uncertain what to do, but eventually decides he has to do what he feels is right,.. though he does take a picture of her while she’s sleeping. “In case you do leave”

So in a tender and heartbreaking moment Jay is honest, the movie does suck and she’s not good but he does compliment her, for her personality not her body despite his skeevy behavior and say she could get better. Instead when he arrives home.. she dumps him to his face and leaves never to be seeen again while he assumes she’ll come back. And that’s the issue it’s GENUINELY hard to tell if we’re supposed to side with Jay. On one hand he genuinely loves her and does the right thing and on the oth er he’s kinda creepy. It’s a mixed tone that just sorta hurts thing and something the series DID fix after this, as it found a better ballance of the guy being pitable while also still being an ass and ONLY usually being punished when he does something actually wrong, the only exception being Dial M for MOther which is easily the weakest episode of the series. The episode does close on a really funny moment as Jay’s dispondent because “I’m sitting on top of a volcano of rage and I don’t knwo where to direct it”. Marty mentions a new Sylvester Stallone movie where “He plays a concert pianst who” And jay dosen’t even need the rest of that to shout “To the multiplex!” The man is back

Final Thoughts for Pilot: This episode is not bad. It has it’s flaws as I said, mostly in tone, but the series would iron that out and it’s still a great pilot that organically introduces the entire main cast in one episode and really gives us the full idea of who Jay Sherman is. It’s also REALLY funny, as the series should be and it would get better, but i’d still put it over some more awkward first episode like Letterkenny’s “No Reaosn to Get Excited”, even with it’s brilliant ending or Bojack Horseman’s first episode  whose title is way too long to put here in an article that’s already long as hell about about to get longer. But like those series this pilot worked pass the awkwardness and the result is a damn good series. but if you want a better idea of what it became.. wellllllll

Sherman, Woman and Child: So yeah as you can tell JSUT by contrasting images a few things were changed up between seasons, part of it at network instance. The designs were softened , the color palette was brightened with jay being the most noticably alterted between seasons. 

The execs wanted jay a bit warmer, so his face was given wider more expressive eyes and was also scrucnehd down a bit. He was also made slightly less of a jackass, with his elitisim toned down a bit and his creepeir moments gone. For instance he no longer had a split personality/imaginary secretary named ethel. That was actually a thing. It didn’t even really change Jay as a person, this very episode mentions him not liking the Lion King, and he’s still snooty, he’s jusst not as punchable about it and that was for the best.  But the cringe comedy in general was taken down a peg and replaced with more fun weirdness, which wihle present in season 1 really pops more here, especially with Jay’s dad who sadly dosen’t show up in this episode, but at various points dresses up like El Kabong, puts on the mask from the mask (”He did the same thing at Nixon’s funeral”), and blows up famous works of art while babysitting. But yeah things get a bit more surreal like the simpsons from season 4 onward, ironically enough given these guys left to make their own show, and it’s to the show’s benefit. 

But besides a lighter tone, they also wanted two things to hook viewers in: A permenant love intrest for Jay, and an adorable kid character. The former.. was acutlaly quite resonable, as i’td both give jay a “win” as it were, allow the cast to have another femlae character and give him someone else to confide in besides Doris or Jeremy, to give those characters a break. The other was less so and we’ll get into why when we meet her. 

This episode really is a second pilot, reintroducing about half of the main cast. Marty, Elanor, Margo and as I said Franklin are all absent. But their reintroduced soon enough with the fourth episode in both broadcast and dvd order, and my personal faviorite “A Song for Margo, is entirely focused on Jay’s parents and sister, while Lady Hawke has marty breifly at the start for broadcast order and he’s in the frmaing device for Sherman of Arabia in dvd order. So the characters all get a proper reintroduction to new audiences, but it was the right call to NOT shove them into this one, still introducing new people to the new cast, but letting the two new additions to it breathe and get properly intergrated into this universe.. well more Alice than Penny but we’ll get to that. It’s part of why, besides the genuine extra coat of polish aand seasonal changes I feel this is the better episode. 

So we open with Jay on his show and two parodies in a row. The first is a few good men but with Jack Nichelson making fun of Christan Slater for sounding like him even though. they honestly aren’t too similar other than both doing that pause thing a bit. So yeah not their best but the second segment makes up for it “The Nightmare Before Channukah” a parody of the nightmare before christmas that was so beautifully animated and funny, that they actually bumped it up to the season premiere.  But while the parodies are good Jay’s show is once again, this happened a LOT in season one, in jeapordy, being beaten by the Benedictine monk variety hour. Which while the Bendictine Monks are VERY much an artifact of the 90′s a choir of monks that somehow went mainstream, the whole segment is so absurd and wonderful it stands on it’s own and is still funny to me in 2021. Duke comes in anda fter trying to softball things shows the change I mentioned: He’s actually sorry the show is in danger and is genuinely sincere that he’s sad he’ll probably have to cancel it versus season 1 where he was ready to cancel it what felt like every other episode. And I prefer this, where he can still mess with jay or flex his power over him, but is more cordial with the guy and it allows more jokes between the two. 

So Jay’s not doing so good.. and during his crappy day he spots a 30 something woman and her young daughter struggling in the rain and stops his cab to help. And gets maced for it “MMM, Jalapeno”. Though Alice does apologize and Jay does understand as it is New York and she graciously takes the offer. It’s in the cab their properly introduced. Aliice thompkins and her daughter penny who in a great bit punches jay in the nose for not liking the lion king (”rex reed did the same thing”) and then kissing him on the nose in apology (”Rex did that too” And he acompanies them in.. and also gets conked on the head by a potted plant and put in a materinity dress. 

So we get to know Alice and what her deal is: Alice was once married to and supported the career of country star Cyrus Thompkins who was.. less than subtle in his music about how faithful he was

Easily one of my favorite gags of the series if in part for Pat Overall’s delivery. So she moved from Knoxville to New York to prove to her daughter a woman can make it on her own, and proves she’s smart, talented and driven she just needs a break. She seemingly gets one in a man in a bright white outfit who says “this is your ticket out of this rundown flophouse” only for him to cheerfully exclaim “Your being evicted!”... PFFFTT. Cue where the commerical would be

So during this lull in the action let’s talk about Alice and Penny’s voice actresses: Alice is voiced by Park Overall, though for some weird reason I thought she was voiced by Hollly Hunter. Dunno why. Park is an outspoken liberal, supporting my boy bernie sanders in 2016 and in general seems like a fascenating lady. Naturally like with Jay’s parents I know her from something more oddly specific, the sitcom Reba, as I did not realize she voiced alice depsite using a similar voice for her character there, Reba’s best friend Lori Ann.. And while Park TRIED her best.. the character didn’t work out: a combination of it being simply funnier that barbra jean tried to wedge herself into the roll and the fact Reba really didn’t need a horny abrasive sidekick meant the charcter had a very short shelf life and the audience had very low patience for her.  I did like her constnatly insulting Brock as he was not a good person andi t was nice SOMEONE besides Reba actually got to roast him on a regular basis. 

Penny was voiced by the one and only Russi Taylor, who sadly passed in 2019. She voiced Huey Dewey and Louie, Webby Vanderquack, Minnie Mouse, Fantasma, the imcomprable martin prince...

Among tons of smaller rolls. She’s sadly missed. We’ll get more into what they add or subtract from the show in a minute, as the next day at work Jay wonders how to help, though Duke’s interjection gives us two great gags: his “30 second workout” which involvees throwing jay around like a medicine ball and.. well this. 

The man is a legend for a reason. He earned that golden statue. So Jay TRIES slipping alice the money only to give it “To my good friend crazy postman”, and Alice refuses the money due to pride.. even if you know, she has a small child and new york is expensive but Jay finds a better solution, hire her.. even if it’d make it impossible for them to date. For all of one episode. What keeps the power dynamics from feeling EUGUUUUGGHH here is that Jay treats alice like an equal partner at work and dosen’t let their relationship really impact things outside of one episode, and dosen’t use his position to get into a relationship with her nor does she use being responsible for a turn in his fortune for hers. 

And yes turn in fortune, as a makeover and a change of attidue under Alice’s direction, which is utterly amazing to watch and wow’s duke and hte audience, wins back his fans and his job is secure. Duke meets alice and we get more great duke stuff. including something truly iconic...

I want bears who sing for me, doo dah, doo dah. But yeah things are well though Jay ends up admitting to Jeremy he can’t stop thinking about her “Her merest smile is like pedals of the empreror’s bathwater, BATHWATER I TELL YOU BATHWATER. “ So Jeremey encourages him carpe canum “Seize the dog”. He does so.. and the day but instead finds Alice with her ex Cyrus whose trying to win her back. Wuh oh.  Once the asshole leaves, and agrees to give her the night to think, Alice admits the only reason she’s considering it is she has a weakness: his singing melts her like butter on a bagle (”God i’ve been in new york too long”. )  Jay tries to talk her out of it at the critics meeting for “Dennis the Meance II Society” which involves Dennis pulling a drivebye on mr wilson.. why wasn’t this the second live action dennis the meance movie? WHY I ASK YOU. But Jay gets a good idea, as Alice TRIES to tell the asshole to get to stepping (And to see penny often, she’s not a monster), he works his evil song magic.. only for Jay to undercut it with his own amazing song on acordian. “Cyrus is just a virus, he wants to tie you down while your still young. Your potetial, is what’s essential, you could someday be another connie chung!” And that ultiamtely shows WHY jay is the better man. He just wants what’s best for her and dosen’t care if it’s him, he just wants it not to be THIS asshole. He’s not even trying to win her over, which a lot of these gestures creepily lead to. He just wants to help her be who she’s MEANT to be. And that’s why this works better: Instead of a fake relationship built on lust and someone conning the other person, it’s a real one built on genuine chemistry. Also Alice you know dosen’t just.. vanish after an episode but is a permenant part of the cast. I mean she does for the webisodes but we don’t talk about those. 

So our hero undercuts Cyrus one more time  Cyrus: “Loverrrr, without you there’s no other” Jay: Give him a chance he’ll do your mother....

I mean he’s not worng, So Cyus is sent packing and we get a nice romantic moment between the two. 

Final Thoguhts: Sherman, Woman and Child This one is truly excellent. It relaunchs the show on all cyllanders. And frankly Alice was a fine addition to the cast: her own fully fleshed out woman with her own personality outside of jay, who was tough, smart and a good counterpoint and confidant to Jay and it felt like she’d always fit. Penny on the other hand, apologizes to the late Russi Taylor who tries her best, just dosen’t work and feels ultra cloying and out of place in the series and unspurisingly is barely used after this. But overall a better pilot than the actual pilot was already pretty good and a fine pair of episodes. Check em out whenever the series eithe rgets on a streaming platform or pops back up on youtube as Sony’s struck it down... despite not putting it up anywhere i’m aware of. Seriously sell it to HBO Max or Disney I want a reboot. But for now this series is awesome check it out and until the next rainbow, it’s been a pleasure. 

[emeraldsiren19]

Open letter to Star Wars fandom post-Tros

The insanity of the SW fandom has truly peaked. And people wonder why outsiders don't touch them with a fifty foot pole. 

There are not enough expletives (btw 'kriff' doesn't exist in the GFFA but that's a topic for another day) in the English language for the disgrace, mockery, idiocy and so on that has permeated what could be an otherwise great fandom. I have been a SW fan my whole life and will continue to be forever, but there are hills I will die on.

All of this "JJ ruined SW forever and Terrio is a saint, etc!?!" bullshit combined with "oh don't pick on poor Daisy..no one told her anything about her character" makes the folks who regurgitate the drivel appear to have their hostility set in the wrong place. No one can possibly believe what they are preaching to be fact.

Everything is clearly mapped out as it happened and nothing is cryptic. It would smash you into the pavement like a bus for how blatant it is. Obviously people believe what they want but presenting lies as law does no one any favors.

JJ.didn't.write.shit. Repeat it out loud as many times as necessary. Everyone and their dog in Hollywood knows that. How he and Terrio are not blacklisted for their extensive career bombs when anyone else wouldn't get away with it remains a mystery. Everyone knows he stole writing credit from lots of people. That's just from SW without the rest of his 'filmography'. Don't ever him credit for being *anything* other than having sand for brains. If you think he's the fucking mastermind behind anything, he's got you exactly where he wants you, wrapped around his finger. That's how hacks operate. He is responsible for the shit editing job of TROS where the editing crew was threatened with their jobs if it was not done in a certain way under a certain unrealistic time crunch. That is why TROS was so choppy and nonsensical, not taking into consideration Terrio's very explicit hate for anything in the franchise not related to Luke or Rey. He is responsible for forcing Adam Driver to do ADR dialogue in his own fucking closet out of sheer vindication. 

There is hypocrisy and disrespect to levels that it's impossible to recover from. DLF went out of its way, above and beyond even, with gaslighting and erasure to destroy the entire franchise in one film. In December, people said they were done with SW because DLF had crushed them and they would never recover but they would still love it.

Funny how that took a spin in the opposite direction since people hate it with a white hot passion. Only SW fandom would choose to not abandon something they hate in favor of unhealthy hatred.  'Fans' directing their anger toward boycotting the entire franchise instead of ignoring the bad film as any other franchise does. It is done with such vocal energy that it has become the popular vote and anyone who doesn't agree with the hate is an outcast. Essentially becoming the angry antis that they claim to hate in the same breath.

And don't even start on the utter bullshit of Rey's parentage. The latest conspiracy theory, advocated by DR herself, would have you believe that she has equal sand for brains and doesn't know shit about her own character, and that Rey Nobody of Jakku was nothing more than Resistance propaganda and never existed. That TFA and TLJ are figments of our imagination and the highly respected Rian Johnson is not only a slave driver but a hack who knows nothing. He knows a hell of a lot more than Terrio and JJ combined. If you seriously believe that Daisy knows nothing about her own character when every other actor knows more than the writers, you're equally conned. Daisy didn't pay attention or didn't care because that meant working, which she bitched about she shouldn't have to do. Like JB, she wants to be seen as the poor abused victim. 

When TFA and TLJ were at the forefront, no one had any issues whatsoever with Rey of Jakku being related to no one. Rian even said as much. But he and George Lucas who created the franchise know nothing. Neither does Lawrence Kasdan and his cowriter Michael Arndt. Lucas explicitly said during PT filming that Palpatine had no offspring, and people who aren't even involved in the fandom know that the Dark Side tells you anything you want to hear. Why the bloody fuck anyone with functioning braincells would take anything that TROS claims to be true as gospel fact "because it's onscreen which makes it true". 

It fucking cancelled 9 previous films and people choose to accept with open arms the same literal pile of shit they said destroyed them over the 9 films that have almost no flaws by comparison. Cancel out any love, family, fairytales, hope, because a shit for brains writer (Terrio) chose to annihilate them to become the tale of St Luke and the Virgin Rey. 

Why? What is the logic or purpose behind the Stockholm Syndrome which DLF initiated that TROS is Gospel Law, everything else is heresy and Rey Nobody never existed? 

I can tell you right now without any doubt that Carrie Fisher and Peter Mayhew are both rolling in their graves at the utter hurricane of disrespect and mockery that has swept over the franchise. George Lucas is likely regretting his choice to sell LF to Disney after the atrocity of TROS. Why are people giving the antis/fanboys whom they claim to abhor as much power as they have? 

That's not even touching any widely publicized offscreen drama involving the actors. Adam made the wise decision to cut all ties. DR and Reylos were harassed by JB. They probably don't recall boycotting him as a result. Kelly Tran was harassed by fanboys and thrown under the bus by JB and JJ. In addition, neither JB nor DR can find work after their stunts (she trashed Adam and Rian at a full cast press conference for making her actually work during TLJ). Now he's hoping people will conveniently forget what an ass he was to everyone. Interesting how Adam, Kelly, and the rest of the cast are having zero issues finding work. 

In a nutshell, Rey may not be my favorite character by a long shot. Kylo deserved better. The Force thought they belonged together. But NO ONE (actor or character) deserved the fucking lazy bullshit copout story that was given to them by hack 'writer' Terrio and 'I can't finish any story' director JJ. Carrie was a script doctor and would have beaten the shit out of Terrio. The extent of her revenge on JJ would be haunting him but he isn't even worth that much effort. 

People have forgotten that or they don't care anymore. At which point move on. But that doesn't give someone license to trash an entire fandom with blatant lies out of spite as retribution. Don't create conspiracy theories that experts (the writers of TFA/TLJ and actors) have explicitly said are the opposite. 

[recentanimenews]

Those Snow White Notes – 01 (First Impressions) – Challenge Issued

AOTS Alert. Repeat, we have an Early AOTS Alert. Those Snow White Notes is an absolute joy to experience from beginning to end. Its absolute banger of a first episode tells a story of inspiration, loss, loneliness, listlessness, self-worth and self-actualization, jealousy, love, and much more—so much it feels like a little self-contained mini-film.

Oh yeah, did I mention it centers around a shamisen player, so the show’s music is supervised by The Yoshida Brothers, in addition to being directed by the fellow who not only gave us the tone-setting first episode of Rakugo Shinjuu, but both seasons of the excellent Master Teaser Takagi-san, of all things? We’re clearly dealing with some talented folks, so it’s amazing it doesn’t feel nearly as pretentious as it should.

A lot of that has to do with how simply and how efficiently the story is laid out and how easily it is to slide into the lives it follows. We start with Sawamura Setsu and his big brother Wakana listening through a cracked door as their grandfather plays to a transfixed crowd. An aside: I’m probably not alone when I say the sound of a well-played shamisen activates my sense of musical awe in addition to my ASMR, resulting in persistent goosebumps every time I hear it…or even think of it!

That said, as soon as the sweet music is over, the warm scene is replaced by a face-slap of a bitter winter scene, in which the Setsu is leaving home. When his gramps died, his “sound” disappeared too, so he’s going “somewhere loud” in hopes he can get it back. He doesn’t know if Tokyo is that place, but he knows he can’t stay home, saying “there’s nothing here anymore.”

We’re only two minutes in, and we’ve already learned so much while being treated to what is the first but hardly the least shamisen number. (It’s also clear I’m going to end up writing way too many words in this review! If only we had an editor around here…)

SWN’s next efficient-yet-effective character portrait is of Tachiki Yuna, an actress/model who is paying the bills with a hostess club job, having to keep smiling and pretending to be happy to be there even after her agency notifies her that she was passed over for a role. After her shift she’s encouraged by her boyfriend Taketo’s texts, and she considers herself fortunate to “have a man who’s talented.”

Yuna happens to be in the bustling streets of Roppongi when Setsu literally bumps into her after getting temporarily dazed by the sheer brightness of the city lights. The two part ways, but Setsu immediately bumps into some less savory characters who start to beat on him. It’s here we learn that Yuna has a heart of gold, as she comes to the Setsu’s rescue with some karate kicks.

After dreaming about his grandfather essentially telling him to stop playing the shamisen if he dies, Setsu wakes up in girly pajamas in Yuna’s cozy apartment, and she cooks the two of them breakfast. Setsu learns that Yuna is a 22-year-old gravure model. Yuna learns Setsu is a Tsugaru shamisen player, but he can’t play for her because he’s “empty inside”, which just happens to be how she’s been feeling lately.

When Wakana hears from Setsu in a letter, he assumes his little brother just went to Tokyo to get laid. But seeing in Setsu a kind of kindred soul, she proposes he continue living with her and doing the housework until he can get his sound back. Before long, a week passes, the longest he’s ever gone without playing since first picking up a shamisen.

Yuna takes Setsu to a restaurant to meet her great and talented boyfriend Taketo along with his band, and Taketo is revealed to be a preening, self-involved jackass who is far beneath Yuna. Setsu intervenes when he sees Taketo trying to extract some serious cash from Yuna to pay for studio he’s renting. He then tells her he’ll be too busy writing music to hang out later that night.

When Yuna and a bandmate have to hold Taketo back, Setsu peaces out, running through the crush of people and noting just how much noisier Tokyo was than a bumpkin like him could have imagined. He gets caught up on a word his gramps used about his sound—”disgraceful”—not because Setsu sucked at shamisen, but because all he ever did was imitate his gramps.

But right here and now Setsu is mad and wants to express it. He wants to play. So he sits down beside the river and plays. Yuna happens to pass by as he’s starting to play, and while he’d later describe the performance as rough and ugly due to the rust of a mere week, but Yuna and I become entranced.

As someone who can only understand between 1-10% of any given spoken Japanese sentence, the language itself is a kind of music, although I know enough words and phrases to know that it isn’t, so it remains separate from the real thing. But pure music like Setsu’s strumming transcends words as it expresses emotions, ideas, and memories of both player and listener.

In Yuna’s case, she’s transported back to her meeting with her agent, who was trying to get her to audition for racier movies and TV. Rightfully insulted by the insinuation she’s nothing but a pretty face and body, she throws a glass of water in his face, and is warned that she won’t go far if she turns such jobs down.

In the midst of listening to Setsu’s raw and angry performance, Yuna takes comfort in knowing even if her career doesn’t amount to anything, at least she has a good man in Taketo. She stops by the good man’s place to find him with having slept with some other woman, to whom she says “you can have him” and leaves as Setsu’s piece comes to a bitter, final note.

When Setsu comes home, Yuna is still awake, and tells him she heard his music. When she did, she realized they’re not alike at all. Setsu isn’t a “sad person with nothing going” for him like she is, and so she can’t help but feel jealous of him. She says she’ll be going away for a while, and asks him to vacate her apartment while she’s gone.

Another day, Setsu encounters Taketo on the street, who is preparing for a concert with his band. Taketo decides to use Setsu as a hostage, telling Yuna he’ll break his arm if she doesn’t show up. For this shitbaggery, Taketo is promptly punished with a Karma Kick from Yuna, coming to Setsu’s rescue once more.

She apologizes for involving Setsu in her drama, but with the wind kicked out of Taketo, she needs to ask for him to be involved a little bit longer. They need someone to go out there and entertain the crowd until the scumbag recovers. Just like that, Setsu finally gets a stage and a crowd on which to test whether he can get his lost sound back. Three guesses as to whether he manages this.

The ensuing powerhouse of a performance by Setsu calls to mind the best music scenes of Your Lie in April, only in this case the crowd was expecting a rock band, not a Tsugaru shamisen player. As he nervously tells the initially confused crowd, he plays “Jongara Bushi”, and as he does, he recalls in black-and-white memories what his grandfather had to say about the peice.

Gramps described the beginning as passionate and hot-blooded, but it starts to calm, grow progressively sadder and heartrending, weakening and waning. He’s basically describing a life. But, unlike a fiery youth who calms down in middle age and eventually withers and passes away, “Jongara” claws its way back, refusing to be beaten down, issues a challenge with its final furious crescendo.

The crowd watches in dead silence, just as Yuna did, and you can’t help but think of what is flashing through their heads while they listen; while they’re being taken on this roller coaster ride of powerful emotions. Just like April, the stage lights illuminate dust motes to give the simultaneous appearance of snow and magical sparkles. Setsu is casting a spell on everyone in that hall with his sound, and not even Taketo can deny its power.

Not only that, but the performance is being live-streamed on the internet, where even if it doesn’t go viral, it’s being watched from home by someone Setsu is sure to meet at some point; perhaps someone who like him has been around shamisen music enough to know that by their standards his performance was just okay. But I’m with Yuna, Taketo, and rest of the crowd: that was fucking awesome.

Also awesome? Yuna doesn’t take Taketo back. They’re done, and he knows he “lost himself a good woman”, even if Yuna would argue that she’s good at anything. Also, while I’m sad to see her go, Yuna does go on her trip to find her…well, not sound, but I guess to find what it is she can contribute to the world and feel good about it. Modeling and porn were decidedly not those things, but I hope the show won’t lose sight of her journey.

Setsu continues to live in her apartment after she leaves, but Taketo tends to come by a lot, so it’s clear that while he’s an asshole, he and Setsu will probably continue to interact with each other, if not outright befriend each other. While Setsu has the kettle on, he recalls walking Yuna to the train station, gives him a kiss before pushing him away and boarding the train with a final wave goodbye. Assuring him that whatever girl he ends up with “will be very happy”.

Back at her apartment, Taketo says that Setsu seems most alive when he’s playing, but if the shamisen is what gives him life, then sooner or later that world will “drag him in.” Taketo is hitting the nail on the head when their talk is abruptly interrupted by the most ridiculous occurrence in the episode: on the snap of a woman’s fingers, the door to Yuna’s apartment is forced open, a smoke bomb goes off, and two SWAT officers flank a glamorous woman with silver hair, blue eyes, and an April O’Neil jacket.

She’s here for Setsu, whom she calls “Baby-chan”, and Setsu calls her Umeko, but I know from the initial description of the show that this is his mom…who it’s immediately clear is a lot. Looks like however much of his sound Setsu believes he’s found in Tokyo, Umeko will have an unnegotiable say in his life…at least as long as he’s still a kid!

By: sesameacrylic