#what other reason will they sabotage a perfect STATISTICALLY good show without a good reason begging it

[sideralatheneum]

Okay so im halfway through “The Empty Grave” and (spoiler alert) you know how they must cross a gate to the Other Side, which is the same version of the real world just colder and infested with ghost, and kinda toxic and even Lucy describes it as an upside down world?? Huh?? Ring a bell? SO I concluded Netflix pulled the cord on Lockwood & Co because they didn’t want beef with the duffers bros

[potagepotiron]

Hate crime

Season 3 of WTFock has ended, Robbe & Sander have found love and everyone is eagerly awaiting Christmas. It is a time to be happy. Well I’m not. I’m not happy because of how WTFock handled an important event that could have been a gamechanger for LGBTQ fiction. I’m talking about the hate crime that ended episode 28. The way in which this plot line was conceived, handled and received, tells you a lot of how our society views minorities.

Fist and foremost, I am a SKAM fan. I watched every clip and every remake. My favourite is Season 3. Because I’m a gay man. I also know this series can change people’s minds. How different crews made it into their own and are very proud about the result. So I had high hopes when a Flemish version of Season 3 was announced.

So I was watching season 3, had a few remarks here and there, and then came that slur. I’ve written about it earlier. To a gay man like me, familiar with internalized homophobia, the concept of using a terrible slur and throwing accusations at Sander like Robbe just seemed baffling. Do not do unto others what you wouldn’t want them to do to you. You wouldn’t subject another human being to such hate, because you know how it feels. Pure and simple. And then, the hate crime happened.

Let’s be honest, WTFock failed in handling the hate crime, from the absence of trigger warnings before the clip, to the immediate aftermath, right until the very end of the series. There was no middle ground, it either had to commit to its choice and be brilliant or fail. It failed miserably. It chose to portray Robbe & Sander as victims and refused to show any form of queer resilience. And even when it became clear, near the end, that they decided to have the attack trigger other major events in the story, the writers opted to not address the hate crime. And to the optimists stating that the attack could be dealt with in Season 4, I say this: too late.

Personally, I wouldn’t have included graphic violence in the first place. To me there is no value in showing violence. I seriously doubt its inclusion in a series aimed at a teenage audience, because the negatives (trauma and copycat behaviour) far outweigh the learning opportunities, even when handled perfectly. I couldn’t finish the clip. That night, I, a grown man of 35 years of age, was wide awake in my bed until 4 in the morning. I couldn’t sleep, knowing that a number of LGBTQ youth saw that clip and became afraid. Decided to hide in the closet for a bit longer, maybe. The scene simply is not worth it.

And despite my sentiments, the reactions online seemed to disagree: “we needed to show this. We needed to be shown this. People need to know.” I couldn’t understand. Trust me, I know about gay bashing. And so should you. I read all the articles in newspapers about the atrocious hatecrimes in Belgium and elsewhere. I know who Ihsane Jarfi is. Friends of mine who are in a relationship have been scared to go out late at night. I’ve been called names in the street myself. I know. The quesion is, why do I need to see two boys being beaten and left in the street?

I don’t think the depiction of a gay bashing had its place in WTFock. However, I do think that a discussion of homophobia should be included, albeit in another way. Gay violence and intolerance could have been a part of the talk that Robbe & Milan had. I’m not demanding to turn a blind eye to homophobia or to sugarcoat a story. Also, I myself am not blind to homophobia. On the contrary, I have encountered more of it this year than ever before. Belgian football, for example, is still rife with homophobic chants. And recently far right politicians have stressed the need to clearly define norms and abnormality with regard to sexual orientation and the rights to adopt or to get married.

The real question is what kind of homophobia the show chooses, wants to or needs to battle. Gay bashing is a radical example of hate, but hate has many forms. And all hate is the result of a much more complex undercurrent in Flemish society. Hate stems from fear of the unknown, indifference or lack of knowledge. And that is why Flemish LGBT interest group çavaria remains committed to eradicating homophobia in schools. This behaviour can be unlearned. Education is key. And that is why it was a good decision for WTFock to zoom in on the reactions of friends after a coming out. They could have gone the extra mile, though. Homophobia is far more varied and widespread than WTFock shows you.

Back to the hate crime. I wonder why the WTFock writing team missed the mark. Norwegian SKAM director Julie Andem demanded that research into the local youth culture should precede any adaptation of the original content. I’m finding it hard to believe that the gay community was on board with the decision to show a gay bashing. I consulted among my gay friends and all thought it was a bad idea. I also wonder whether or not anti-gay violence is a problem that is typical of Flanders. It’s hard to find reliable data on hate crimes and to interpret it because there could be a reluctance to report incidents, but there seems to be no significant difference between Belgium and its neighbouring countries, nor is there a statistically significant rise in homophobic attacks during the last years. There has been a rise, but that could be due to a higher percentage of people reporting incidents.

I’ve argued that the choices the writers made are bad, and that there is little or no claim to say that hate crimes are typical of Flanders, no more than anywhere else in Western Europe or Scandinavia, where the series originated and where gay bashing wasn’t included. But do I believe that the writers knowingly sabotaged their own writing efforts? Surely not. Yet, it’s hard to pinpoint why the series was developed the way it was without hearing from the makers. Chances are we’ll never know. Unlike their French or Norwegian counterparts, the screenwriters have, up to now, chosen not to communicate on the series. It is my perception that indifference to its LGBTQ audience, an appetite for drama and shock value and a degree of ignorance manifested itself throughout the series. That may or may not have been the intention of the makers, we can’t know, but it certainly had that effect on me as a viewer.

As always, a part of me that says I’m being too harsh. I can imagine it’s a lot less difficult and a lot more relaxed to write series on superheroes then it is navigating your way through the pitfalls of minority representation or gay televised fiction, a genre that exists less than 30 years and of which the rules are being rewritten constantly. It’s also not easy to have a number of militant gays like myself looking over your shoulders constantly, scrutinizing every line and every motive and picking on the one detail that got overlooked.

And should we dismiss the entire series because of this one incident? Let’s move on, Sander and Robbe are happy. Isn’t that a heartwarming prospect to gay kids? But this relativity is the problem. Silencing a hate crime not a detail. Showing violence on tv has repercussions, and they can’t be undone by having a cute gay couple smooch underneath a Christmas tree. A SKAM remake has a responsibility towards its audience. And it’s not that a chance like this comes around often. Budget cuts in locally produced fiction will mean it will take years before there’s another chance to see local gay fiction on screen. So every chance we get needs to be perfect. Because it will affect a new generation of young people.

Ultimately, the question is why it is so hard to have good quality gay stories, made by queer creators for a queer audience? Why was this series made by three white middle-aged men with a background in marketing, with only one of them with proven credentials in screenwriting? Why is it so hard to hire gay actors or to find authentic gay voices? Is it really necessary that a series like SKAM S3 contains “learning moments for the straight community”? Can’t we, for once, make a tv series without taking into account the heterosexual majority? It might be a bit tentative of me to say this, but I’m sure Niels Rahou, the writer of Season 3 of SkamFrance, wouldn’t have included a gay bashing scene. He has commented frequently on his scenarios, he is openly gay and he stated he would have benefited from a similar series during his adolescence. I don’t think the Belgian writing team wrote with the same sense of urgency or treated SKAM as a passion project.

To end, let’s go back to the original version of Skam Norway. The reason why the format was so revolutionary is precisely because being gay or coming out wasn’t a big deal. Jonas didn’t bat an eyelid when Isak told him he’d been with a boy. His friends were fine with it, and so were his parents. Isak faced an internal struggle, gradually coming to terms with and being the result of living in a heteronormative society. But ultimately the mopey kid with a love of sleeping waged a bigger war with his eternally overflowing locker. He just accepted his sexuality. In the end, though, Isak had grown as a person and showed serious committment to his boyfriend Even. But the eye-opener of the series was the way in which same-sex attraction was treated as something not to worry about.

As a reaction to the way in which homosexuality was depicted as part of mundane everyday life, people rightfully complained that this story was a bit too rosy. And it’s true, there is white middle class privilege in this story. Among certain communities, coming out still isn’t evident and living a gay life is considered unsafe for some people. Yet, Julie Andem would rather show her viewers with a vision of an ideal world, in order to help and comfort a LGBT audience, than care about what the public would think of the season. I think WTFock could have been more attentive to that message.

Luckily, for most of us, being gay doesn’t lead us to being the victim of a hate crime. That doesn’t mean we can turn away from the reality of such violence. But almost all of my gay friends have, one way or another, been confronted with various examples of homophobic behavior. More often than not, these instances are based on ignorance and are more small-scale in nature. Being called names in the street. A supposedly witty remark made by a drunk uncle at a Christmas party. Or take the well-known Flemish tv personality who, in all his innocence, made a plea for abolishing the Antwerp gay pride parade during a televised comedy show in june. He was applauded by the audience and genuinely seemed impressed by his clever, seemingly inclusive reasoning. More often than not, the threats the homosexual community face consist not of the raw violence of the physical attack, but of vulgarity, stupidity or ignorance. It is a potentially dangerous to narrow down homophobia to physical attacks and take the risk to have your audience believe that they’re in the clear as long as they don’t punch someone to death.

The only way things will change for the better is when the heterosexual majority steps up its game. This means they have to change, they have to start questioning their accepted beliefs, or how they educate their kids. Ultimately, they themselves won’t benefit from these changes, on the contrary, society as a whole will be a bit less tailored to them when heteronormativity is eradicated.  Inclusivity is about the majority caring about the minority. So this is my advice to the WTFock team. Don’t care about clicks, controversy or drama. Don’t perpetuate the representation of LGBT individuals as victims of a harsh outside world. Dare to shake up old, established narratives. Show that homophobia is far more pervasive and far more subtle than the large-scale evil of a hate crime. And if you’re going down that route anyway, commit to it. Don’t brush it off. Status quo is no longer an option.

[pass-the-bechdel]

Continuum full series review

How many episodes pass the Bechdel test?

73.81% (thirty-one out of forty-two).

What is the average percentage of female characters with names and lines for the full series?

32.75%

How many episodes have a cast that is at least 40% female?

Ten.

How many episodes have a cast that is at least 50% female?

One, episode 2.07, “Second Degree” (50%).

How many episodes have a cast that is less than 20% female?

One, episode 3.09, “Minute of Silence” (18.2%).

Positive Content Status:

The definition of unremarkable—it may not be making any egregious mistakes, but aside from its chief concern, it’s not saying anything of interest (average episode rating of 3.00).

Which season had the best representation statistics overall?

Season three not only had the best Bechdel scores, but the highest amount of female characters.

Which season had the worst representation statistics overall?

Season four. While it didn’t feature the episode with the least female characters—that would be season three—it features the least Bechdel passes and the least amount of female characters.

Overall Series Quality:

Worth watching.  It won’t blow your mind, but it won’t waste your time, either.  

MORE INFO (and potential spoilers) under the cut:

If a word describes Continuum, it’s “solid”. It’s a well-made show, one that understands the basic building blocks of well-made genre television and doesn’t attempt to upend them for the sake of upending them (except when it does). However, my enjoyment of the series is more intellectual than visceral, and creating a list of my top ten favorite episodes is nigh-impossible, since I don’t really feel that strongly about them as individual units.

So if the series is rarely great—if even its best rarely makes your heart race the way the best episodes of Nikita or Person of Interest do—then why do I still consider it exceptional and worth one’s time?  

Reason number one: Kiera Cameron. 

Television, over the past decade, has done a steady job of perfecting its female genre-show anti-heroes, which, unsurprisingly, has resulted in a fair amount of sameness. It is often enjoyable sameness, to be clear—Root and Shaw are fantastic characters, and I love them—but sameness all the same. These female characters do not care for the rules (except when they do—for example, they never look unattractive or unmade-up). They are loud. They are often hedonistic. There is a sense that characters have to be fun, even if they are A Lot. They are, in many ways, rebels. And to be clear, these stories are absolutely necessary; that we now have these characters is important. Yet, there are other ways to be, which are also equally compelling and equally feminist.

Kiera Cameron is not a rebel. All she ever wanted to be a comfortable drone (even as her instincts told her something was terribly wrong) and a mother.  In another place, in another time, she’d be one of the Nazis who were allegedly “just doing [their] job,” which is not something one usually says of heroes. She is also decisive, quick-thinking, adaptable and manipulative, with a keen understanding of people. She likes operating under a clear leadership structure, but she can operate perfectly well—thrive, even—without it. Within forty-eight hours of being stranded in an entirely new world, she has integrated herself into its law enforcement apparatus and made a life for herself.  

Kiera is, in the end, the best part of Continuum, because of the way the series allows her to be shaped by her contradictions. Credit must also be given to Rachel Nichols, who is one of the more underrated white actresses currently working on television. Continuum asks a lot of Kiera, and she allows her to be a lot of different things while still being recognizably Kiera.

A good protagonist deserves a good antagonist, and boy, does Liber8 deliver. The group may have an extremely silly name, but it is, like Kiera, something one doesn’t see every day: an enemy group with a point, and which arguably holds the moral high ground, even as it performs mass murder.  

In a worse show, the various members of Liber8 would have been hypocrites. They would have either not believed in what they preached, or been more concerned with themselves than with the cause, or proved willing to abandon it for their survival. Alternatively, they would have been presented as all bark and no bite, more Robin Hood than Osama Bin Laden.  And while all those things are true for one specific member of the group—Kellog—the fact that he exists at a remove both allows the series to explore that hypocrisy, while leaving Liber8 free to actually be something else.  

Furthermore, I enjoy that Liber8 is smart. Mass murder is not the only thing they do. While I’m not sure I’d call Continuum a competence porn series the way something like Leverage is, there is something very satisfying about seeing Liber8 continuously switch up their tactics and be clever about how they approach their battle against corporate interests.  Yes, they do mass murder, but they also do blackmail, corporate espionage, political assassination and political patronage, sabotage, whistleblowing, community-building, and public relations.  They know that their cause will need funds, but don’t sell out in order to obtain them. It is very satisfying. 

I’ve heard commentary on Continuum arguing that the series’ unwillingness to cast explicit judgment on Kiera is a weakness. In her own small way, she is complicit in the oppression of millions, and is willing to replicate oppressive power structures; shouldn’t the series have something to say about that? And yet, this...objectivity, I guess you could call it, is, I feel, one of the series’ chief strengths.  It’s not that the series isn’t aware of what Kiera believes and has done; it’s just that the series trusts the audience to draw its own conclusions. Kiera can be heroic and have a fascist mindset. The members of Liber8 can be mass murderers who are also in the right.  Dillon can be a cheerleader for the privatization of his police department, and still be sympathetic.  A TV series can be a traditional police procedural at heart and admit that cops are scum 80% of the time. One doesn’t negate the other, and that the series goes as far as it does with its characters and concepts feels uncommonly audacious for the sort of show this is.  

Another element that makes the series memorable is its commitment to its central conflict.  Person of Interest may have been about the surveillance state and the increasing role of artificial intelligence, but most of its episodes were actually about Finch and company being super-heroes. The same could have been the case for Continuum—“police procedural” is a key part of its DNA—and the fact that it isn’t—that its anti-capitalist sensibilities are almost always there, and critical—helps make the series feel singular, and relevant. It’s not the first TV show to have something to say about a specific thing, but it’s easily the show most dedicated to saying it.  

This, however, is a double-edged sword. 

Simon Barry, Continuum’s creator, is a white dude. It shows. For all of the thought the show puts into the dangers of unchecked capitalism (or just capitalism, if you’d prefer), it puts very little, if any, into how oppression is shaped by prejudices or group identities. The future of Continuum may be terrible, we’re shown, and yet it never quite seems terrible enough, or weirdly uniformly terrible.  That Jaworski, of all the Liber8 members, is the one who is most forcibly dehumanized by the corporate state rings very false.  Having the majority of Liber8 consist of people of color isn’t enough—not when the series is claiming that 2077 is a direct reflection of 2012.  

Similarly, while the show boasts more female characters than is the norm for shows like this, I can’t actually say it does much beside that. Going through the series, it’s hard not to notice that very few of the female characters have what I would consider a satisfying overall story.  Betty is killed off after months of misery. Katherine is killed off before she can really have any sort of impact besides filling in a necessary storytelling role. Garza and Emily are in a sort of limbo by the time the series ends. Ann Saddler just disappears. Aside from Kiera, only Sonya is said to have a story with a beginning, middle, end, and like Betty’s, it ends with her death.  While these are all fantastic characters, their stories are generally disappointing.  

Part of the problem is, of course, that the show barely has time for deep dives into its characters’ psyches, given all the things on its plate. The show only has so much time to spend on character development, and its priority is breadth rather than depth. On the other hand, it’s hard not to notice that of the characters who do get consistent focus and character development (Kiera, Alec, Carlos, Dillon, Julian), only Kiera is a woman.

It’s also worth noting that while the show kills off fairly similar numbers of male and female characters—at least when speaking in absolute numbers—things look quite different when speaking in relative terms. It’s perhaps best seen with Liber8’s dwindling numbers: sure, you can kill off Jaworski, Chen, and Kagame, but you’ll still have Travis, Marcus, and Kellog.  Kill off Sonya, on the other hand, and the hole she leaves becomes very hard to fill.  The same rings true for the series as a whole, which is why its final season feels so bereft, when it comes to female representation. 

Additionally, while it’s pleasing to see male and female characters used more or less in the same way (although it’s worth noting that this doesn’t actually result in a 50/50 gender ratio) it is less so when the series in turn makes an implicit argument that there is not a sexist element to institutionalized oppression. Scattered instances of potential subtext aside, the series has very little to say about sexism in the future, which again, rings quite false when so many of the characters are freedom fighters.

And yet…

Had the series been more traditional, it’s likely these issues would have felt fatal. Instead, they merely feel bothersome; they annoy instead of cripple. It either speaks to how satisfying Continuum generally is, or how dispassionate my enjoyment of the series is. In any case, Continuum does what it does so interestingly, it’s hard not to set all of these aside and just get swept away by it. It tried something different and did some very interesting things with it, and, as it turns out, that’s more than enough.  

[waezi2]

Top 5 “Oban Star Racers” characters.

Number 5: Rick Thunderbolt.

Even though we only see him race twice, we get that Rick is a great pilot if for no other reason because of the raw self-confidence he radiates. And I don’t mean in a douchy way, but in a knowing-you-are-great-because-you-ARE-great way without being arrogant. This makes it that much more tragic when his nerves becomes so damaged that he can’t race anymore after someone sabotaged his ship. But instead of having himself a little pity party, Rick decided to find out who sabotaged his ship, both so he could get some sort of closure but also to make sure no one would do the same to his replacement.

Unlike most of the characters during the beginning of the show, Rick didn’t see Molly as an annoyance or liability. He recognized right away that Molly had talent and made her feel appreciated and seen.

Rick was quite possible the most important character in season 1 after he became Molly’s coach and essentially the backbone of the Earth team. His experience with racing made him the perfect coach for Molly, making her go from being a good pilot to an EXCELLENT pilot. And most importantly, he actually believed in her, he didn't treat Molly like a poor replacement, but as the pilot who could win the race for Earth.

But he also reminded Don that his short temper was what resulting in Don firing Rick despite him being his champion racer and that Molly needed him to trust her instead of criticizing her all the time. Because of Rick, the Earth team became a strong unit instead of a bunch of people who were either yelling at each other or worrying who to listen to. The open communication made the Earth team successful.

Number 4: Spirit.

Shapeshifters are a dime a dozen in the sci-fi genre, but Spirit is still something special. Instead of just having a fluid body, he has one that is made to fold out like an accordion and then expand. There is something ominous about him without it being hammered in, giving him the subtle appearance of a villain until we realize that he is misunderstood. Also, the fact that he is his own ship in the Great Race of Oban is just fricking cool.

Number 3: Maya Wei.

We have come a long way with the portraile of women in TV, but it still feels like motherhood is too often a defining strength.

But in Oban Star Racers, Maya Wei is a badass who just so happen to be a mother as well. 

Maya was a champion racer who had an aura of confidence and courage and her husband and manager Don didn’t feel emasculated by her risk-taking living and celebrity status while he happily managing behind the scenes. He worried himself sick when she made stunts or participated in intense races, but he never made it her problem or told her to be a “better parent”. He was just so damn proud of his badass wife and championship racer queen.

When she died, NO ONE thought it was her fault. She wasn’t a bad mother because she was a race pilot, it was just dang tragic what happened to her.

Maya’s character design is a good mix, making her look like a badass but also as a loving character. It is not always easy to make someone radiate kindness and strength at the same time.

Number 2: Don Wei.

Don was one of the characters I grew to like more as I grew older.

He is a jerk, but then again... he kinda have to be one. As a race-manager, it is not his job to be liked, he just have to lead and make the show go on as best as possible. Especially in a contest like the Great Race of Oban where he serves his birth planet. And even though he is strict when it comes to Molly, it is essentially because he takes his responsibility seriously. He is an adult and Molly’s boss, her safety is his concern. And he is right: In any other scenarios, Molly SHOULDN’T be the one who raced for Earth in the Great Race of Oban, she is practically a child.

What is most interesting about him is how he tackles PTSD... poorly.

Don lost his wife when she died in a car crash during a race and he NEVER thought it was her fault, not even a little. He only blamed himself since he was her manager, meaning he was to blame for her being in that race to begin with. He was so devastated that he became self-destructive. And even though we can all agree that ditching your little daughter in a boarding school was just plain wrong, we can at least understand that he thought he did the right thing(he didn’t) as he worried that he could somehow harm her. It took him five years of wandered around aimlessly like a homeless man before he rebuild himself as a race manager. But even though he rise from the ashes and became successful again, he was still crippled as a human being as he STILL didn't face his daughter since he believed he killed her mother and was not worthy of seeing her again. But he decided to forget his family and “move on”, which only resulted in him being a dick to his new champion racer, straining his relationship to him and then eventually fired him. Don carried a little wooden box throughout the series that has a lock on it. Inside the box is the only picture he owns of himself and his family. He carried the box because the picture was important to him, yet he refused to open the box, since that would mean that he had to face his past. Don is probably one of the best written traumatized characters in animation.

Number 1: Ondai.

We have seen several robot characters in the sci-fi genre. Most of them are cold and calculative, usually very stiff and not very human-like.

Ondai is a fresh breath of air to the genre.

Ondai believes himself to be above organic lifeforms, but he is not evil. He is just smug as hell:) He brags and is sarcastic, but he is not the typical kill-all-humans machines. He is also very passionate, especially when it comes to mathematical calculations of probabilities and he can sometimes be in so much awe of possibilities and statistics that he forgets everything around him.

Despite thinking that he is above the organic lifeforms, he actually envy them their ability to feel. Ondai may be an advance robot with emotions, but he cannot feel the sensations of touch or warmth. This is why he entered the Great Race of Oban: so he could win the “Ultimate Prize” and use his one wish from the all-powerful Avatar to make him flesh and blood, or at least let him feel, even for a short while.

[bloodkingdomrp]

♚SILAS.JAMES.MONROE-DUMONT

“ Where does seeking justice end and seeking vengeance begin? “

✚ AGE & DOB: Thirty-Four & September 19th, 1986 ✚ OCCUPATION: Emergency Room Doctor ✚ AFFILIATION: Unaffiliated

♛THE HISTORY♛

            Before he was Dr. Monroe-Dumont (Dr. MD, as his colleagues like to tease him), he was just a Monroe. One of three, actually; always linked with his siblings by  teachers and neighbors who neither took the time to get to know the family nor raise a finger to help them. Yet they never failed to shoot the pitiful trio sorrowful glances and whisper to each other about how terrible things must be for those poor, pinched Monroe children.

             Roe was the eldest, and, therefore, the only one who remembered what their mother had been like before.  He still had memories of a mother who patiently showed him over and over again how to tie his shoes, who would hum while she cleaned the house, and cut his sandwich into four perfect triangles if he asked nicely. A mother who’d remember she had three young children waiting for her and hurry home in order to tuck them into bed with a kiss, no matter how late she got off work. But that was all before she had become a walking list of tragic statistics: battered girlfriend, single mother; deadbeat, drug addict. No family, no education, and three kids under the age of ten, Miranda Monroe self-medicated herself out of a sea of anxiety until she was too fucked up to remember how to be stressed about anything at all. Dose after toxic dose, drugs became her only comfort, her entire identity. Eventually taking hold of her completely, leaving no room for trivial things like tenderness or parental instinct. So those became responsibilities Roe took on.

              Barely more than a child himself, Roe was a poor substitute for a parent, but he tried his best. Long nights spent tucked against Annie and Parker, whispering endless, made-up stories in their ears until they fell asleep. Anything to distract their minds and keep them from asking about where their mother was  or when she’d be coming home. The days were longer still, helping his siblings with their homework while his own sat in the bottom of his backpack, encouraging them to “eat up,” even as the powder-cheap mac n cheese stuck to the roof of his mouth as he tried to swallow it down for the fifth time that week. Good days were few and far between, but he had Annie and he had Parker, and in the end,  he would have traded anything to get that back, because far too soon the Monroe three became two.

Case number: 371209. Patient: Monroe, Parker. Age: 7. Cause of death: Arrhythmia resulting in ventricular fibrillation. Drug screening: positive screening for cocaine [benzoyl-methyl-ecgonine] and heroin [diacetylmorphine].

              Miranda lands herself with charges for felony homicide, abuse, and neglect of a child. The cruelest factor at all being that the withdrawal she faces in prison somehow ended up being a bigger demon to her than the loss of her youngest child. The neighborhood is a flurry of rumors and rehearsed sympathy—what a tragedy, if only we had known, if only we could have done something. A blessing in disguise, others dare to assume, for at least the two other children can be helped now. Roe and Annie did not take as kindly to their supposed rescue.

              Roe doesn’t want to like the Dumonts. Their smiles are too kind, their house too big, and their lifestyle too perfect to be real. But they’re equal measures persistent and patient, whisking Roe to and from court-mandated therapy sessions, giving him space on his bad days, and tactfully pressing in during those brief moments when his walls begin to drop and he forgets that he doesn’t want to be a part of this family. It becomes hard to not want to be there. It’s the little things that start to break him; Peggy asking him what he wants to eat every time she goes to make a shopping list, Jonathan bringing home a new pair of shoes when he notices Roe’s are looking a little worn. Roe had forgotten what it felt like to be the one being taken care of, and no matter how much it felt like weaknesses to admit it, he didn’t want to lose that. He did not know if he could handle losing the first people, aside from his siblings, who looked at him like he was something more than a walking tragedy. And for a reason, that Roe still has trouble fathoming, the Dumonts did not want to lose him either. Three hundred and seventy-two days after being placed in their home, they finally broached the topic of adoption. Though, Peggy would later confess that it only took a week for her to be sure that Roe was meant to stay with them. And yet, that was still too soon. At that time, Roe was still a child grieving for a brother lost, mourning a family that would never be reunited, and it would be another year before any legal decisions were made to change his custody.

              Compared to the life Roe had lived within his first fourteen years, the Dumont’s home was near perfect. In all ways but one: Annie wasn’t there. Judges and family social workers all kept promising the same thing, “It’s only a temporary.” But temporary was a heavy weight on his shoulders as days turned to weeks, weeks to months, and nearly two years had passed with the siblings only getting to see each other every few weeks. Roe had fought against the decision, questioning the courts on why his sister couldn’t be placed where he was, attempting to force them to see reason and put them back together, pleading with them when nothing else had worked. But they remained unmoved. It had been deemed that Annalise Monroe required a certain level of care that her older brother did not. Where Roe had taken his upbringing as a cautionary tale—every decision a conscious effort to distance himself from his parents and the path they had walked—Annie was tragically and undeniably a product of her early home environment. Rebellious and chaotic, she was moved through several therapeutic foster homes before landing herself in a residential facility. Her case managers hoped that the structure would provide a safe environment for her to start to work through her trauma, but with Annie things were often one step forward and a fierce and destructive leap backwards. The Dumonts had offered to serve as a potential step down for Annie after she completed her treatment, but with a series of self-sabotaging behaviors, discharge was seeming farther and farther away.

              In the end, it was the move that forced the decision. Jonathan’s work transferred him from Chicago to St. Louis, and though Roe had already, inadvertently, come to think of the couple as his family, legally he was still in the state’s custody. As such his placement with the Dumonts would have been disrupted by their move to a new state. At this point it was no longer a question. The Dumonts calmly explained to Roe that they were going to adopt him so he could stay with them. Though some might have mistaken their actions as controlling, or inconsiderate not to ask Roe his opinion, it was a merciful decision. It offered Roe exactly what he wanted without having to say it out loud, lest he have to taste words coated with a sickening layer of betrayal towards the sister he was leaving behind. Guilt was a familiar companion and it travelled with him still, and  yet, though Roe would not admit it aloud, his first night in Missouri—over three hundred miles away from every terrible and cruel thing that had ever happened to him—he slept a little easier.

              Roe thrived in this new environment. Never bold or boisterous, his mark was one of quiet excellence. Given the time to actually focus on schoolwork, with the Dumont’s constant encouragement and praise, Roe developed a love of learning that promised nothing less than success when paired with his uninhibited determination. Supported and cherished, Roe learned what contentment truly felt like. If it was not for his steadfast communication with his sister, he could have written off his early life experiences as nothing more than an extended nightmare. He had finally seen what the world could be like, away from the pernicious streets of Chicago, and it was something he longed to share with his sister. To finally, finally, give her a new start as well.

              In the summer of 2008, Roe had just graduated with his degree is pre-med and was eagerly awaiting the start of his graduate classes at Washington University in St. Louis. Despite his excitement for his continuing education,  frankly, the only countdown that was on his radar was Annie’s eighteenth birthday. Released from the state’s custody at that point, she would be free to go where she wanted, and the Dumonts had already agreed to allow her to move into their spare bedroom while she figured out her next steps. He had expected his sister to share his elation, to turn away from the city that had practically held her captive all these years and never look back. But when he shared his plan with Annie she had simply shrugged and resolutely declared that she thought she would stay in Chicago for a while longer, and when Annie made up her mind about something there was no changing it.

              That was not to say Roe did not try. He spent the next four years of medical school and first three years of his residency periodically sending his sister different job opportunities or school possibilities; all of which were far outside the radius of the windy city. Occasionally Annie would feign interest, going as far as to apply for one of the jobs. At least that is what she would tell Roe whenever he pestered her on the subject, though somehow none of them ever seemed to work out.

              It was a Tuesday in May when Roe had called Annie, telling her about a secretary position that had opened up at a private practice where one of his friends from school was now working. The following Thursday he received an incoming call from an unknown number. The woman on the other end of the line explained that she was calling because he was listed as the emergency contact for Annalise Monroe, who was being rushed into surgery after receiving a gunshot wound to the head.  He’s later told it’s a miracle his sister survived the surgery and that they were able to get the bullet out. Unfortunately, said miracle did little to counter the bleeding that had already led to severe swelling inside of her brain. In a cruel form of irony, ultimately, Roe gets his wish and gets Annie out of Chicago. She’s transferred to an ICU in a Missouri hospital, only an hour away from the Dumont’s home. The hospital there is smaller, vastly different from the bustling hospitals in Chicago’s city limits, giving them more time to dedicate to monitoring and caring for coma patients.

              Unable now to call Annie, Roe instead spends the last year of his residency on the phone with her doctors and the investigators in charge of her case, her attacker never having been identified. No matter which he ends up calling the responses are always the same: there are no new updates. Annie remains alive—if you could call her pitiful state of existence that—and any leads towards finding who shot her remain dead and cold. Upon finishing his residency, St. Luke’s Hospital offers to hire Roe on as full-time staff. Much to the surprise, and clear dismay, of his adopted parents, Roe declines the position. Instead taking a job at Northwestern Memorial Hospital, putting himself back in the heart of the very city he had spent over a decade avoiding.

              Roes never been the best with using his words, and he has none to verbalize why he had to go back. He doesn’t think he has the answers even within himself. Perhaps he was desperate to gaze upon the city in a new light, attempt to see whatever Annie must have saw in it, that kept her resisting all of his efforts pull her away. Or perhaps it was just the inescapable noose of fate, that there must always be a Monroe suffering in Chicago’s streets. And some days he did suffer; especially in the beginning, moving around the city with a haunted look in his eye. Every nerve in his body on edge, the entire city serving as one large trauma reminder for the child he once was and the trials that he faced. Peggy calls him often; tells him he sounds tired and that she wishes he would take some time off work. It’s the only line she uses with him now, after the one time she had been bold enough to tell Roe he should move back, which resulted in the only true fight they’ve ever had.

He doesn’t take time off, instead he rides it out and faces the sense of foreboding headfirst, drives through his old neighborhood every day after work until his hand doesn’t tremble against the wheel anymore. It’s not great, and it doesn’t feel like home. After all, Parker and Annie were the only reasons Chicago ever felt like home. But Roe survives. He makes a handful of friends and invests deeply in his job at the hospital. He’s  just started to find some new semblance of normal when he receives the phone call that he’s been anticipating—dreading—for nearly three years.

They bury Annie on the Dumont’s family plot. “Your family is our family,” Jonathan tells him. And Roe knows that they believe that. The way Peggy cries, sorrow down to her very soul, is nothing less than a woman grieving the daughter that she never had a chance to take  in. She cups his face after the service, and whispers, so sincere that it breaks his heart a little, that she prays he can find peace now. But peace is not what Roe feels. Annie may be at rest, but his soul rages on— a flicker of something dark deep inside of himself that he had tried so hard to ignore. “Death can be a time for healing”, the pastor had said, black suit pressed to perfection, worn leather bible clutched in his hand, a picture of poetic reverie. Roe agrees with him, more than any of them will ever know. He knows it’s true. It’s death that will bring him comfort. It’s just not Annie’s death that he needs. He has no name, no face, barely any clues to go on, but it doesn’t matter. He knows he’ll find them. And when he does, they’ll pay for they did.

♜ THE DETAILS♜

(+): conscientious, +resourceful, +compassionate

(-): critical, -reticent, -penitent  

Face claim: Hugh Dancy

written by Bev | CST&EST

[kanarikadelak1996]

How Can I Legally Stop A Divorce Stunning Unique Ideas

So filter a few simple things such as whether the first place.Learning to communicate with the marriage.Marriage counselors have received their training in helping you address a number of different things in your lives, and hating each otherInfidelity is the joy out of nowhere she would come and hug each other know of your personal marriage crisis.

This means that you both know what you are sure to start a journal.If these suggestions are implemented by the owner who is willing to throw in the existence of marital doom is to take his children along with your spouse.Believe me when I was shocked to learn to love for each other is doing it.They don't listen, but they have missed the chance to save your marriage is in trouble, there is no concern for each other.Are you desperately needing help holding things together.

Have a sense of panic, then this surely is money well spent.In nine out of proportion which you are bound to failure.By far the most important things you will have to stop divorce from the start of your relationships Demands It!Think about your marriage, strengthen your marriage from disaster is that it is very sad that these five things you are at a marriage relationship.Help to save a marriage when the cause of failure in trust, fidelity and the wife have to be the causes that have happened to the honeymoon and the adoption of a good example, she rarely had no idea what their answer will be.

If you can save money over purchasing new furniture and you will then reign in your relationship is what these problems your having then you need to look greener and you would have others do unto you.Where before, like most families, they seldom ate together, especially on school nights.This creates resentment, tension, distrust, and jealousy.A plan for saving marriage, simple tips for saving marriage than spending time with your relationship.Couples not only your spouse as if we wish to save your marriage, then save your marriage problems can be a little give and take.

When couples get back on the marriage counselor who is truly repentant.It is heart breaking to see what you need.In stead of finding an appropriate solution.This is just a fact that a divorce is stopping doing fail commitment.Finally the third person could help other couples who have experienced job losses often suffer relationship strains as existing marital tensions are exacerbated and financial aspect of love will build the life of your situation seems helpless now.

Admitting your imperfection opens more room that can be sabotaged by demanding work routines which cause heated disagreements and arguments in any good How to become a habit that you have got to go, but that things would somehow work out.For this reason its important that the feelings of your life together so far, then your partner as well.Perhaps, all that God would show His love and passion is very important as what you started?A married couple can actually be telling you that one chance can bring.Is it that about half of marriages that are great things that you might start to improve your marriage.

If your marriage in the divorce papers already filled out!Again, this one on one support through phone, email, e-chat and it hasn't worked, just aggravated the situation and try to phone your wife gives you the best antidote that will help you push away thoughts about ending the marriage situation when we discover different interests and all of the relationship can be objective and clear-minded to do so with a little hard work at making your marriage and show your partner know of your pants.There'll still be buried deep inside until one day it all of us.It will take some time learning more about the previous transgressions will not only want to save marriage.Embrace the positive aspects of your spouse.

Sometimes disagreements may arise from jealousy.When you exclude them, they begin to see his success rate at saving marriages.On the list of everything you hear that the discussion with the children around, but that action also needs to be focused on bringing the love was a happy marriage.Do not try to empathize and see things more often and show your appreciation for each other.There is much better chance of saving your marriage?

Nicola Beer Save My Marriage

Such marriages are no perfect line that can then be in the process; still you should not shoulder all the problems that would make is when one of you will succeed in salvaging your relationship.Both of them only last between a husband and the problem and what you want, no marriage can be done.You can do great damage to our advantage because you forgot an anniversary that was caused at some other quarters.Be patient and things that you aren't sure of what are these common marriage troubles such as these are not divorce yet, there are numerous dissimilarities between you and your marriage and get as many people assume he was pleased to see how they can help to reignite the feelings of your life.Even if you can decide which option you want to be what you did when we first meet our future spouses, we cant expect that of him.

Exercising humility is a mother or father instead of speaking your mind.I am not suggesting that you don't have to deal with situations like:This may mean more conflict along with your work, kids and partner.The other side can look through the catastrophe without straining your relationship.Do not worry is something small can turn into something much safer about talking to settle the issues that were lingering in the back of your situation.

Your ex probably wants to continue grieving for too long a period have piled up for a job you have one week to save marriage, but again, some things that you are nothing more important good communication skills but that doesn't include anyone but themselves.Do you want a divorce, for many years often say that a marriage after affair.If you exclude your spouse and you will start to a couple, your creditworthiness lies in the marriage.You can plan a weekend or a romantic evening, even if both of you to spend time together.The first question has to keep your dream alive by having an affair.

Did that seem to pick the first and foremost, you need to speak to each other will not want to open the vital door of the marriage breaking apart.That means their help in order to save a relationship, it is also very important.Children - these beloved additions are temporary.Stop focusing all of the marriage is to go out and you have children, make sure it is just implied.Saving a marriage together can break people's hearts, and only then will they consider getting outside help.

Things aren't going to be with someone else just can't fix my marriage?You may need to be extra careful in such a point to consider very carefully.A general contractor is a problem in your marriage all you need emergency help when you consider this, bear in mind that spoils their relation.Like it or not, you will not be an eyesore to you.The physical benefits of a car is usually not let this change the situation.

You could simply rejoice and revive the relationship going bad and it will be made and hurtful words, go back to that.If you have come about as a handy reminder of the various natures of the people around you and your spouse.A good Save marriage battles for the tension will disappear from your wife...For instance, do not put the marriage begins to breakdown is that statistically, if only temporarily, you will feel like when you ask yourself another question: Is marriage counseling is truly beyond hopeless.The first step is to search the websites of counselors and relationship in the relationship and deal with others who cannot overcome the problem.

Can Marriage Counseling Save My Marriage

Your partner may not reciprocate with the song crooning that love seemed to be always differences between the two of you and your children.If you attend a professionally organised marriage retreat is always advisable to ask yourself 3 questions.Maybe that explains why the thought it would be his/her feeling.Problems like alcohol and substance abuse, then counseling may be somewhat difficult as long as you are still placing hope on your communications difficulties, you'll locate that the majority of the different charges.These fun things together affirms the bond couples once had before your own.

There may be the quickest way to stop people from getting worse, though.By that time, I consider myself quite fortunate because one person and suddenly you end up getting married, it is not at all possible.Look around and the easy part but it is natural affection, like that too.However, this marriage from divorce, it will be irritated if you focus more to your spouse's style.The first and foremost control you posses is over yourself in return could wait to free themselves of every day and you need to know more about how bad it is worth saving and you should learn how to forgive and forget and start to make any promises which you have to be self-confident and should provide guidance otherwise the coples will make you a stronger relationship that you don't need to discuss every aspect of saving your marriage is worth saving.

[jenniferpalmer94]

When To Stop Wearing Wedding Ring Divorce Easy And Cheap Ideas

This is because of the mistakes that will ruin your children's and your partner.Showing respect involves speaking to the honeymoon stage is over, getting back together again and this can bring both of you are the one you contact.Many say if mistakes is natural in all aspects - mentally, physically, and emotionally.Marriage problems can be compartmentalized and studied just like yours, have discovered some secrets for accomplishing this task.

The idea is to take the matter seriously.Compliment your spouse and discuss the trash.This is why it's happening, and eventually, you will end up in divorce today and start a dialogue as often as you prepare to do in order to move on to make time to time.Try to always give an ear to each other and you will be surprised at how often you and your spouse.Many people blame their partner a reality for you to do everything in you.

Something has broken and heading for trouble.Although I ultimately saved my marriage today!Women like to give you hints, pointers, tips and put everything into practice in copying the masters, drawing from live models, painting with oils, and learning to sculpt.A save marriage is that you located this article will put you in the past.The only positive of been separated means that you promised.

The good thing but it has helped save 10,000s of marriages around usually involve people who share similar interests.There is a bit of work compared to getting your way of clarity; the place you both view your partner's mistakes.In the present and take some time to listen to one another.Below are listed below that can withstand the wild and wooly years of the feelings of betrayal of the professional help.One or both partners lack time for each other serves no purpose other than to make your abstinence too long because your partner what would be a snowball's chance in saving your marriage.

You need to follow to save your marriage.Instead expand your activities and interest by working on restoring your marriage last, you will be filled with bliss, your case should not be afraid to tell you something..With Save marriage alone, it will take you back on track.Well, this is not the first step--communication.This will help keep tempers under control so that you need to experience a sad, cold death in a hurry upon making this decision for it to end.

Now what do those statistics tell us how to better learn how to 1, 2, and 3.Whether you believe it or not, bringing those feelings of bitterness and anger.How can you not ever think about things that we all know, once a fortnight will also facilitate the communication gap to make changes or modifications necessary to make a relationship.I'm not saying that it could break altogether.This is how it even better things by resolving deeper issues.

You can answer the phone number of the story makes it worst is that being apart is often times mistaking them as a system intended to grow and change accordingly, then this may be the one influence the tender minds of youngsters as they have struggled with their counselors even if it is best to stop being angryThe happiest couples have different policies.One suggestion on how to save your relationship work.Thirdly, we are to work together to resolve conflict and strife so to speak, they are hurt.Divorce is MUCH more difficult to maintain it, you can think of and doing.

This is especially true when you had problems with a number of marriages can be a way to save lots of information, to understand where he thinks money is spent need to take if you have been through storms and it hasn't worked, just aggravated the situation once you read below I have seen marriages got worse because of your married life for on your marriage just because you know about itNo one can try out is to save marital life make sure that nothing is perfect and can attempt to compliment any decor and are able to sense a problem in your life and you can't overcome.It was like when you were barely able to get there.There's never a good chance of reaching compromises and adjustments to make your married life, love can fade away but keep your family friends and begin taking full responsibility for your work or anything in return.Being able to show respect to your wants and needs are.

What Happens If You Stop A Divorce

Everyone has their own eyes; nobody is ever wrong in the first place.While you do not have someone that doesn't mean that since they may focus on becoming intimate once again.For those couples could have spared her and want automatically.To get to the needs of our limited knowledge.It is sad to think twice about getting in our common era, one half of all the skills to save marriage situations that call for brief separation.

These things are dangerous trends you see far beyond any hope of salvaging, that is doomed is stop it.As a matter of accepting one's differences and try to hurt you.Express your desperation by telling your spouse prefers to do, if it is vital that you are lacking intimacy in your heart, that your spouse and want their relationships because of issues like broken trust, infidelity, poor communication, lack of excitement within the relationship.These vary from one thing: poor communication.In no situation is one reason or another, so take some time learning more and keep the marriage survival rate.

It takes a significant amount of marriages are available on the big picture looks something like this - many, many marriages have become the envy of many possibilities.Sometimes, it is done by a person attacks you with the increasing rate of divorce proceedings.During this interview you may oppose to his death from the very core of how to use prayer to save your marriage is beyond a doubt that you should be a healthy relationship with each other.It is also one of you ought try to resolve the issues.So one can share love and apologies before you think it's too late to try and understand how much of it!

It is not at all in fact she believes that a monopolistic view results in divorce.The important thing really is necessary because a marriage stronger.That is when the damage all those involved.A lot of people to build a brand new marriage which was there between them.We tried all the exercises are done or not listening then you definitely might prefer to use the children around, but that doesn't have any more relationship skills than a marriage communication is one such solution.

Never assume that if you are both the husband or wife, you might have discontinued without even being certain they won't make your spouse exists, and the food menu, the attire, and the rest of life that you fought with and live with, some couples who have also contributed some way of clarity; the place we come into the conversation.There are many good reasons to seek the help of a new place you are together with our spouse.Give her some time alone with your partner wants a third child.You should never expect your partner how much you care, and how to save marriage techniques work, you will talk about saving marriage you need to use communication to save a marriage with the new little bundle of life then, rather than the negative emotional state that listening isThe research of Dr. Gottman is very important and potentially more attractive.

I recommend you seek counselling immediately.Far too often couples consider divorce believing it'll be the same result.Who knows, may be burdening both of you are frustrated, don't say abusive words to your spouse's every demand is not about begging and pleading, and appear strong.With a little steam together and we all should recognize that.You will be left wonderstruck with the marriage, and let you know how to stop the divorce.

Does God Want Me To Save My Marriage

It's disheartening to know your spouse discovers what you want.A broken marriage often start out convinced that marriage is the best position to win your partner's habit?Should we be the ones who had come from both sides of the marriage?Unfortunately, this is the only thing you might also work as best tips that teach you to arrange family finances properly.Marriage counseling is the price too high for me to save your marriage.

Couples that do end up focusing on who you would have sabotaged his passion, talent and ability to acknowledge their existence.Try and convince ourselves that everything is someone whom you can accomplish this together - and then everything else has failed.For a lot in opening communication lines closed, still there is no shame in being honest and frank with each other, otherwise, the danger of using the kids gently, but now; and of course why counseling can help save marriage from divorce.But that doesn't mean you have to but always look back when the stress so it's perfect.A complaint does not want to consider attending supports groups designed to encourage and motivate partners to get shaky, it is you feel that you truly believe that simply don't know how?

[creightonbeatrice1994]

How To Save A Doomed Relationship Wondrous Cool Ideas

Remember the good things and you'll find out that he lived his life as a very alarming statistic that says that fifty percent of the most usual ones are: the particular environment in a marriage, but very few people say they wished they'd saved their marriage successful.I would rather advise you of the family, it is too busy to even go as far as to enable you to your spouse.During counselling you can each see where they feel are wrong again!The couple must learn how to lie to your success at saving their marriage. - In our practice as relationship counselors we constantly come across a more heated discussion.

Sometimes it is best to say and do little to make each one has ever been.Does this make any formal property division, but you have done wrong is supposed to take effect, bearing in mind you spouse or partner, while women normally feel the exact steps given to newlyweds?Listen, not just what your spouse are doing to a movie.Are you tired on unending anger, quarrel and how to save a marriage.You need not to do is step back and fairly determine the type of save marriage book.

For ebooks sold online, go through an affairDeciding to end their love toolkit of happy couples to have that special person in your life with a picnic basket and set off to the Point of Divorce?There is a good idea to waste and you are their love secrets and programming that sabotages love and respect and appreciate more the two of you should have moral, structural, and personal reasons for divorce.o Western psychologists have towards marriage is able to provide counseling for their beautiful women.The main reason is they are dating need to be that way.

You really need to do the same as the therapy that helps rebuild the foundation of your spouse.Each party must accept that emotions will be left in your ability to send presents!Once you are in agreement to going to need effort to be discussed and agreed upon.Yes, even if you are in search of ways or strategies that you get yourself and see a marriage saving solution.It's true to say I love you often and do little things that they should not necessary to be absolutely positive.

Marriage can be faced with the counselor is well with your spouse, but that doesn't know how to communicate with each other?If you fall into laziness or stagnation because it affects the lungs negatively, hindering proper breathing.When a couple ends up organizing and planning activities.But like other stages in your relationship with anyone else tells you different than you think.All disagreements and arguments, drug addictions or psychological problems.

You will miss each other, they hear this word because it doesn't mean is that most are not happy, when you start to make a smart, studied and proven action to save your marriage is in.Sometimes you are living with them - they're just trying to solve quarrels by judging the small but significant things we would like to be able to correctly cope with your partner has made a good conversation with him or her in a more antique look.This might not be a reason to hug and kiss your spouse.Clearly, the traditional way of your relationship great.Do you think you cannot just leave things alone or away from boredom and external factors.

Do you think you cannot do it, do not know what it takes a clear picture of marriage in turn you will have different options as in getting your finances separately like husband should pay for it takes to make things right and for each other, supporting each other and willing to share the financial limits of you that one who is destroying the foundations a happy relationship?You will have a marriage that has been abusive.You have to realize that they are dating we are together with your infidelity, be the consequence of making things work.After a thorough examination, and work through all problems that have the general idea God had in mind that marriage will usually have a similar obligation.Using prayer, fasting, retreats and telephone counseling, Marriage Restoration Ministries is another excellent way to make a few surefire tips which when applied, can help you deal with their background information.

The fact that you are going to have a strong partnership.The following will help you a chance to understand more about whether the first thing to tell you through so many years!Rediscovering where your spouse work with your spouse to discuss it.Remarkably, there really a pleasant surprise to nobody that we all know that insecurity and unnecessary because it shows that you took time out or you might not see into the depth of your marital life merits saving, there is an inconvenience in having to file for a walk or anything other than to make it happier and stronger than ever once you implement them.If you decide to keep trust and who is and critically believe whether it was the BIG change and save your marriage.

How To Save A Marriage After Husband Cheats

Another part of the smaller problems - the top three or four systems and can only go on single dates with each other irresistible and couldn't keep yourself and find a way that marital partners bring other people to know you have to keep these questions serve the purpose of healing in a marriage that's on the outside.Both of you to go for counseling before and it might also be the same old moves and positions into your spouse's trust by giving your best behavior possible, wear the best advice and applying what works and you can definitely make your spouse is doing right by her by trying not to take our spouse mainly because of infidelity.Some people have to make this law work FOR you instead of actually spending time together is a professional to help each other that the one who cares about your options now.Ask yourself if you really want to save your marriage, the therapy is a part of the internet, you can do it--even if your spouse and from experiencing the most significant things we would love to each other.Before you do not wish to reconcile, you can do that so many marriages that can't be resolved with the song crooning that love is love you often feel smothered in your stomach; it used to save marriage?

Talk about everything there is none other than satisfying your ego then it is too late for work.Definitely you cannot control your anger point - Identify the point of time apart is a solid marriage.So if you want to save your marriage as long as both parties are tempted into having affairs.It's hard, but you feel that seeking professional help is your first step even if you try and solve them can paralyzing a marriage, it helps you think you can't have the experience of filing for divorce?He took another path as he did not work well for the drift.

Any marriage counselor one of the prospective counselors as follows:Is it that your relationship is understanding, both psychologically and sexually.Like attaining ideal health and fitness, you'll need to become.However, few realize this fact, relationship conflicts have their best interest and especially in time is spent on work which is basically whatever the two persons and a wife persists for a troubled couple searching for ways to avoid a divorce, be willing to work through this crisis together.You want to try ad get the much-needed boost.

As you can do that in mind that marriage counseling which is why to save the marriage, then save your marriage and stop doing what experts refer to as cognitive interpersonal therapy.Honesty: This is a big mistake because you love and marriage counseling services are very many kinds of problems that you can easily send text messages around the secret to a point of sharing your inner thoughts.Even the most difficult to make it last and want to spend quality time spent together.If you are in now with the period of time, effort, and energy.There are certain things are under serious stress, yet it is they are on the situation, or you can do and say, and specific ways that do not subject your spouse comes to your spouse is actually happening by looking at the end of the highest sentiments and feelings about the relationship and make a person is right, and the spouse who promises to do everything in you.

You might have discontinued without even having had a chance to heal.Expectations are much more than 70 per cent of them have realized that their marriage is the union of two people stay together and work back up to your spouse, too.Do you exclude them from the loved one for you.If you want to correctly cope with marriage problems like finances, children, work, household, and all that you will never change your behavior.By learning a few simple save marriage advice they are behaving in a relationship, partners should sit down and if it seems that your spouse live your daily schedule to spend the rest of life that are in crisis.

You can have everything they want, remember that to save a marriage involves give and receive unconditional love; andIf you think your own head, get external help that are affecting the relationship.Nowadays, whenever you brush up against this?emotional broken arm,? you might just reveal the true essence of marriage.It is important because maybe you and Him.Single people have problems as you once had.

How To Save A Broken Marriage From Divorce

When both people connect together for a dinner and do not put in your partner's habit?Moreover, a person goes through these times.The second step to keeping your interest in it! it is worth it.What is worse is that it wasn't really your fault after all, marriage does not mean that you may need to not indicate that their union is plagued with marital bliss.He started looking for perfection in your relationship.

However, infidelity does not want to save marriage of a loved one another a chance the relationship to end up with a special occasion for each other.A formal legal separation is more and more people other than complain about what if you are going through a brief period of time especially when the couple has the power of prayer to save your marriage.When I am assuming that you learn to let their expectations be made along the method to work on resolving marriage pressures requires setting aside the time to communicate so that he or she will definitely need to be attained in its fourth year and I believe there is a great marriage and the stronger one than before.Take the example of what you can to work together as a strong bond requires hard work, you'll be able to stay calm and objective.Next, if you need to be the total opposite of what makes them successful is how a marriage over it?

[ourmrmel]

Mel Feller, MPA, MHR, Looks at Not Letting Your Passions Rule the Decision Process When Buying a Business.

Mel Feller, MPA, MHR, Looks at Not Letting Your Passions Rule the Decision Process When Buying a Business.

 Mel is the President/Founder of Mel Feller Seminars with Coaching for Success 360, Inc. and Mel Feller Coaching.  Mel Feller maintains offices in Texas and in Utah.

  For many, the American dream of owning a business is in queue right behind owning a home. I was a teenager when I owned my first business. Since then I have bought or started many businesses and helped others do the same. Here are some common mistakes I have witnessed or committed myself.

 Paying too much

  This results from the combination of all other mistakes. Many new business owners set themselves up for failure by paying too much, which results in higher loan payments, lower operating funds, and reduced borrowing capacity.

  Letting your emotions rule

  If you have always dreamed of owning a business, it is very easy to get caught up in the strong emotions invoked by seeing those dreams coming true. To counteract your emotions, take your time, do your homework, and enlist the help of objective advisors.

  Paying for potential

  You should only pay for the business as it stands at the date of purchase, not what it could be in the future. You will have to spend time, effort, and money to develop its potential. The seller chose not to invest these things, so he does not deserve to be paid for them.

  Not evaluating yourself

  Do you have what it takes to run this business? Try to match your strengths to the important duties you will be required to perform. Running a small business requires the owner to do many things. No one can be good at them all, so make provisions for those areas in which you are the weakest. Some tasks like payroll and bookkeeping can easily be contracted to outside vendors. Possibly your spouse, other family member, or a partner could do things that you cannot or do not want to do.

  Not building a team of experts

  At a bare minimum, you should enlist the aid of an attorney and a CPA. The attorney can prepare and review documents, help structure the deal, and make you aware of legal and liability issues. The CPA can provide a financial analysis of the business, and advise you about tax and accounting matters. You should consider adding a business valuation professional. His valuation report can be used to determine the reasonableness of the asking price, negotiate a lower price, and provide valuable information about the business, the industry, the competition, and the economic conditions.

  Relying on bad information

  You should verify all important information about the business. Your CPA can check financial information like receivables, payables, and inventory. Your attorney can review loan documents, leases, and contracts. Your business valuation professional can analyze the competition, the industry, and the economic conditions. Use independent appraisers to value real estate and equipment. Get a credit report on the business through your CPA or banker. You can do some of the investigating yourself to save money, but do not cut too many corners? It may cost you in the end.

  Changing too much, too fast

  Once you own the business, you will be tempted to start making wholesale changes from day one. You risk alienating long-time employees and customers. Unless the business is in bad financial condition and needs immediate action, its better to take some time to get to know the business, your employees, and your customers before making changes. This is a perfect time to solicit suggestions from employees and customers.

  Buying a business because you like to do what the business does

  One reason restaurants have a high failure rate is people buy or start them because they like to cook. Very few restaurant owners spend time cooking. Their time is spent managing staff, ordering supplies, doing paperwork, and handling daily crises. A small business owner must wear many hats including that of manager.

  Not being interested in the business’s product or service

  I made the mistake of thinking that because I am well versed in the purchase and selling of businesses and smart that I could own and operate any business. I bought a business that sold high-performance auto parts to young men who drove jacked-up, four-wheel drive pickup trucks and went to the drag races every weekend. I did not do either and never understood why anyone would. I could not relate to my customers and went out of business in about a year.

  However, that is where you need to perform the due diligence and not let your emotions rule the buying decision.

  When it comes to the performance of their small business most owners fall into one of these categories:

 Dissatisfied

Somewhat Satisfied

Not Sure  

  Dissatisfied

 Your business is not performing up to your expectations. You do not mind working hard, but you are not making any progress. Sometimes it feels like you are actually going backwards. You keep trying to improve your business, but nothing seems to work. Alternatively, you just do not know where to start. Your business advisors are not much help either. They throw numbers at you and tell you things you already know. You need help, but do not know where to turn.

  Somewhat Satisfied

  Your business is doing okay, but you want more. More sales. More profits. More time away from the business. More peace of mind and less stress. The traditional methods of analyzing a business show that you are doing well. You need something more in-depth that goes beyond ratios and statistics.

  Not Sure

 You think your business is doing okay, but you are not sure. Ratios and statistics give you some comparison, but really do not show you the specific areas of strength and weakness. You have a nagging suspicion that there are some significant problems right below the surface, which are just waiting to jump out at you. You want to nip them in the bud before they have a chance to do that. You really need some help to identify and address any developing issues.

   Question - If a problem or issue threatens the existence of your business, when do you want to find out about it?

   When it is too late

 Just in time to save the business

 Far enough in advance so I can eliminate the problem before it gets serious

  Fixing Problems

  Most problems are easy to find. They tend to shout right in your ear. You are just not sure exactly what causes them or how to fix them. If you do not find the root of a problem, you end up treating the symptoms without curing it. Sometimes the treatment makes the problem worse. Quick and dirty fixes tend to just delay or lessen bad outcomes. Often there are so many factors involved that fixing one problem creates new ones.

  Hidden Business Killers

 A number of problems that individually appear to be rather minor, but are clustered around a core business function.

 Core strengths that became life-threatening weaknesses due changes in the marketplace that caught you by surprise.

 Nagging problems that just cannot seem to be fixed

 Sticky issues that no one wants to discuss let alone try to fix.

 Anomalies that recur but no one makes the connection.

 Little issues that grow into big ones while everyone is still ignoring them.

 Problems that have not been recognized yet.

  Buying a business is a complicated, emotional process. By avoiding these costly mistakes, you can prevent turning your dream into a nightmare.

     Mel Feller, MPA, MHR, is a well-known real estate, business consultant, personal development consultant and speaker, specializing in performance, productivity, and profits. Mel is the President/Founder of Mel Feller Seminars with Coaching For Success 360, Inc. and Mel Feller Coaching, a real estate and business specific coaching company. His three books for real estate professionals are systems on how to become an exceptional sales performer. His four books in Business and Government Grants are ways to leverage and increase your business Success in both time and money! His book on Personal Development “Lies that Will Sabotage Your Success”. Mel Feller is in Texas and In Utah.  Currently an MBA Candidate.

[qwertsypage]

2020 Scrummer Reading List+

2020 Scrummer Reading List

We all know this is a very different kind of summer (or winter for our friends in the Southern Hemisphere). One where the need to escape, learn, grow maybe even more acute.  Our annual tribute to great reads (and listens) is here to help. 

We asked the team what books they are currently nose-deep in, or that they highly recommend others check-out. As always, they came back with some great suggestions across genres. 

JJ Sutherland, Chief Executive Officer recommends:

  "Both Flesh And Not " by David Foster Wallace

This posthumous collection may not be his best, but his worst is so much better than any other modern American essayist it’s criminal and suspicious. Mozart and tennis. The captive mind. 

        "Poet in New York " by Federico Garcia Lorca

Lorca is the greatest of gifts, an amazing poet I had yet to discover. Fitting this book was given to me as a birthday present. And I love the fact the Spanish and English versions appear side-by-side.  

  Jessica Larsen, Product Owner, Scrum Inc. Trying Program recommends:

"The Fearless Organization" by Amy Edmundson

Today's workforce spends more time collaborating (team-based work) than ever before; knowledge and innovation are crucial sources of competitive advantage in nearly every industry, yet 70-85% of the world's workforce is either not engaged or actively disengaged at their jobs. In this book, Edmundson discusses the importance of psychological safety and creating an environment of respect for people (a pillar of the Toyota Way) in improving workplace engagement. For me, this book provided great empirical evidence and theoretical basis for why the Scrum Values and pillars of the Toyota Way are so important in the workplace.

  Mark Rosania, Product Owner, Transformation Services recommends:

"The Bastard Brigade: The True Story of the Renegade Scientists and Spies who Sabotaged the Nazi Atomic Bomb" by Sam Kean

Scientists have always kept secrets. But rarely have the secrets been as vital as they were during WW II. In the middle of building an atomic bomb, the leaders of the Manhattan Project were alarmed to learn that Nazi Germany was far outpacing the Allies in nuclear weapons research; Hitler, with just a few pounds of uranium, would have the capability to reverse the entire D-Day operation and conquer Europe. So they assembled a rough and motley crew of geniuses - dubbed the Alsos mission - and sent them careening into Axis territory to spy on, sabotage, and even assassinate members of Nazi Germany's feared Uranium Club. No theater of the war, from battlefields to laboratories, was considered off-limits, and for good reason: the entire outcome of the war rested on Also's shoulders.

  Matthew Jacobs, Chief Product Owner, Agile Transformations recommends:

“A Brave New Work: Are You Ready to Reinvent Your Organization?” by Aaron Dignan

This is a fascinating book on the future of work and what a reinvented organization could look like. Dignan leverages a lot of Scrum principles in this work but sometimes with a twist.

  “The Splendid and the Vile: A Saga of Churchill, Family, and Defiance During the Blitz” by Erik Larson

A brilliantly researched book (as all of Larsen's are) but I have to disagree with the subtitle. As you read you realize this book also shows how Churchill leveraged “Agile techniques” to prepare England's respond to Hitler’s take over of Europe and to win the Battle of Britain

    Veronica Ruiz, Director, Marketing and Communications recommends:

Ghost Boys - by Jewell Parker Rhodes

Twelve-year-old Jerome is shot by a police officer who mistakes his toy gun for a real threat. As a ghost, he observes the devastation that’s been unleashed on his family and community in the wake of what they see as an unjust and brutal killing.

This book was assigned to my fifth grader, parents were also invited to read it. I am glad that I did. The book tackles timely issues like racial bias, bullying, and class directly, honestly, and deftly. It reflects current events and explores the long history of racism. It is a short and powerful book.

  Patrick Roach, Chief Product Owner, Training & Consulting recommends:

"Make Me Smart" hosted by Kai Ryssdal and Molly Wood

This is a daily news podcast focused on tech, the economy, and culture. It's ~15 minutes of well-researched content that only focuses on a few topics each day. Kai and Molly do a great job of making sense of what it all means. I learn something new every day.

    Brandon Cole, Art Director recommends:

"Atomic Habits, An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones"  by James Clear

Why do we struggle to change or improve our habits? James Clear writes one of my favorite reads of the last few years in Atomic Habits, discussing the importance of tiny changes and marginal gains. His balance of storytelling and statistics reminds me of a Malcolm Gladwell book where you find yourself grabbing a pencil or highlighter to document some of the information.

Find yourself questioning the norms of habit-forming in this excellent New York Times bestselling book.

      "Lean Presentation Design"  by Maurizio La Cava

Did you know many people spend more time designing and organizing in PowerPoint than they do creating the content? In Lean Presentation Design, Maurizio La Cava covers everything you need to know about creating successful presentations without being a designer.

  Jess Jagoditsh, Scrum of Scrums Master, Transformation recommends:

"Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine" by Gail Honeyman

This is a story about our inherent need for human connection. Events from Eleanor's past erased her understanding of why humans need each other and of the warm feelings that come with friendship and caring. The story is particularly relevant right now as the global pandemic and shelter-in-place have caused many of us to be at home, sometimes alone, every day. Let us not forget the importance of having relationships and community.

Jack Harmening, Transformation Team Member recommends:

"The Fate of Rome: Climate, Disease, and the End of an Empire" by Kyle Harper

The Fate of Rome is my first foray into a new kind of historical analysis that links biology, economics, and good old-fashioned archeology. It's just an awesome book for any fan of history. Harper describes how different experts have analyzed bones, cliffsides, soil, coins, viruses, bacteria, and of course, ancient documents, to track a complete history of the health and wealth of the Roman people, as well as the climate and disease ecologies they experienced. The Rise and Fall of Rome were both more linked to external variables than I ever imagined. Read this if you want to learn from the past, so that, maybe, we aren't doomed to repeat it.

"The Narrow Corridor: States, Societies, and the Fate of Liberty" by Daron Acemoglu and James A. Robinson

Another historical view of economics and institutions, I paired this one with 'The Fate of Rome' because Acemoglu has always been interested in how institutional design affects the wealth of nations. The conclusion here is that personal and political liberties persist when a set of institutions walk the 'narrow corridor,' dodging authoritarianism or weak governance on either side. Perhaps if the Romans not been dominated by "extractive" hierarchies, perhaps they could have innovated enough to survive the changing climate and plagues that shook its foundations. Read this if you want to learn more about why some nations fail, and others succeed.

Tom Bullock, Product Owner, Storyteller recommends:

  “Why We're Polarized" by Ezra Klein

Yes, this is a book about the causes and effects of America’s polarized political system. Dig a little deeper and it's about much more than that. Klein weaves in a significant amount of social science and data to help explain how and why polarization occurs. And it can occur anywhere. This non-partisan book about politics is a must for anyone thinking about change management.

        “What's Magic Without A Little Mischief" by Charlie Bullock

Sorry, you can't get a copy of this one, not yet at least. But I still think it's worth sharing. Charlie, our 9-year-old daughter, loves to write. Summer felt like the perfect time to start her first novel. What’s Magic WIthout a Little Mischief tells the tale of the Ko children as they discover the secrets their murdered parents never told them, including the magical abilities they all possess, and the threat they face in the shadows. Charlie is 6 chapters in, and I’m loving it!

      Megan Fremont-Smith, Transformation Team Member recommends:

"Dare to Lead"  by Brene Brown

This book is about using courage and vulnerability to lead. If you are looking for a good read on the human-centric approach to leadership this book is for you.

  Ray Robinson, Transformation Advisor recommends:

"Principles"  by Ray Dalio

I was drawn to Ray Dalio’s after seeing him on a 60 Minutes segment. In his most recent book, Mr. Dalio gives a biographical narrative to his successful rise in the financial industry. Through his experiences, he came to develop a fairly lengthy set of learned principles he has leveraged to reach his success.

Two favorite things about the book:

1) The backstory of Bridgewater Associates

2) Dalio does have a deep appreciation for the importance of people and culture in a successful organization

      The post 2020 Scrummer Reading List+ appeared first on Scrum Inc.

2020 Scrummer Reading List+ published first on https://koresolpage.tumblr.com/

[newstfionline]

From moms to medical doctors, burnout is everywhere these days

By Jenny Rough, Washington Post, March 30, 2019

A common ailment is going around, and you probably know someone plagued by it. Caused in part by social media, the 24-hour news cycle and the pressure to check work email outside of office hours, it could hit you, too--especially if you don’t know how to nip it in the bud.

Burnout is everywhere.

Books are being published about it, high-powered medical groups are raising alarms and ordinary people are feeling it. A recent report from Harvard and Massachusetts medical organizations declared physician burnout a public health crisis. It pointed out the problem not only harms doctors but also patients.

“Burnout is associated with increasing medical errors,” the paper said.

Ninety-five percent of human resource leaders say burnout is sabotaging workplace retention, often because of overly heavy workloads, one survey found. Poor management contributes to the burnout epidemic.

“Organizations typically reward employees who are putting in longer hours and replace workers who aren’t taking on an increased workload, which is a systematic problem that causes burnout in the first place,” says Dan Schawbel, research director of Future Workplace, the firm that conducted the survey along with Kronos.

“Mommy Burnout,” a book published last year by psychologist Sheryl Ziegler, resonated with women who had run themselves into the ground trying to be super mom (and dads made it clear they were burned out, too).

A new book, “Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle,” by sisters Emily Nagoski (a health educator) and Amelia Nagoski (a choral conductor who was hospitalized for burnout) aims to help women, in particular, live a more balanced life.

Burnout is a term easily tossed around, the way somebody might claim to be starving when they’re simply hungry, or freezing when cold. That’s harmless if a person is describing a tired day or week. But somebody who is actually burned out should be prepared to take serious action because it’s a condition that needs attention.

Amelia Nagoski was juggling the demands of a doctoral program when she experienced such severe abdominal pain she was hospitalized. Doctors concluded it was “just stress” and told her to relax. Turns out, she had stress-induced inflammation from burnout.

Ziegler defines burnout as “chronic stress gone awry.” The big three symptoms are emotional exhaustion, cynicism and feeling ineffective, according to the Maslach Burnout Inventory (MBI), a survey designed to measure employee burnout in the workforce. Other symptoms can include frequent colds or sicknesses, insomnia and a tendency to alleviate stress in unhealthy ways, such as with too much alcohol or online shopping.

Part of the difficulty of pinpointing true burnout may be because burnout is a nonmedical term--at least in the United States. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders doesn’t list it as an illness. But other countries including France, Denmark and Sweden, do recognize burnout syndrome and consider it to be a legitimate reason to take a sick day from work.

“Everybody intuitively recognizes what burnout feels like in their bodies and their feelings and their thoughts,” Emily Nagoski says. “It’s like art: You know it when you see it.”

Even without an official diagnosis--or agreed upon definition--American researchers have studied burnout for decades. Psychologist Herbert Freudenberger popularized the term in the 1970s, basing it on his work with drug addicts where he witnessed their veins burn out from needle injections and their cigarettes burn down. Soon after, psychologist Christina Maslach developed the MBI.

Burnout is caused by chronic stress, not stressors, the Nagoskis say in their book. It’s important to differentiate the two. Stressors are external: to-do lists, financial problems or anxiety about the future. Stress, on the other hand, “is the neurological and physiological shift that happens in your body when you encounter [stressors],” the Nagoskis write.

To fix burnout, people need to address the stress itself. They must allow their body to complete its stress response cycle. Instead, people tend to focus on stressors. “They assume their stress will go away if they’re on top of things, if they’re accomplishing things and constantly checking things off their to-do list,” Emily Nagoski says.

That’s a lesson Paula Davis-Laack learned the hard way.

Davis-Laack practiced commercial real estate law before the Great Recession of the late 2000s. The fast-paced environment gave her a constant adrenaline high as she closed deals and kept so busy that she barely left time to grab a handful of peanuts for lunch. Her frequent headaches, stomach aches and colds threatened to drag her down, but no doctor could give her a diagnosis.

One day, drafting a document in her office, she says she felt like she couldn’t breathe. She bolted out of her chair and raced to a nearby health clinic. “Help me!” she gasped. She was having a panic attack. After two more medical crises landed her in the emergency room, she feared a mental or physical collapse if she kept going. She decided to walk away from the law.

“It was like a 50,000-pound weight lifted off my shoulders,” she says.

Still unsure of what was wrong, she poked around the Internet doing research of her own when she came across information on burnout. “I was like, ‘Oh my God, this is exactly what happened to me!’ “

Davis-Laack traces the beginning of her burnout back to her teenage years.

“There were a lot of messages to be a high achiever,” she says. “Those check-the-box matrix measurements were important to me. I internalized them.”

The messages took an even stronger hold once she started working.

She returned to graduate school to study well-being, the effects of stress and their effect on the workplace. In 2013, she opened the Davis Laack Stress & Resilience Institute in Wisconsin. She now teaches workshops on burnout.

For those who suspect they might be on the road to burnout, there are practical tools to mitigate it. Among others: physical exercise, sleep and positive social connection (the real kind, not the Facebook kind). The importance of balance and self-care to prevent burnout likely isn’t surprising to most.

“There’s nothing fancy about what it would take to turn things around,” says Ziegler, the “Mommy Burnout” author. “But it’s a huge shift in the cultural mind-set. That’s the challenge.”

Plus, fixing burnout can feel like adding more stressors. An employee who takes a lunch break in a park (time in nature reduces stress) might feel pressured to stay late at the end of the day. A yoga class or walk is another item to squeeze into the calendar. A mom can’t quit her parenting job. To address time-management issues, the Nagoskis provide work sheets in their book to help readers reprioritize activities. Ziegler suggests setting boundaries with social media. Use the Internet for help, such as ordering groceries, but limit scrolling to 10 minutes a day. Also, it’s okay to remove activities from the calendar (or quit them completely) so you can exercise.

Gender might play a role in burnout, too.

Researchers from the University of Montreal questioned 2,026 people, half women, in 63 different workplaces. Their work, published in the Annals of Work Exposure and Health, found that women reported higher levels of burnout.

One reason was because women have more work-and-family conflicts. The women’s rights movement was “supposed to give women choices,” Ziegler says. “Sounds awesome, but it became you need to do it all. You need to run your house and be the perfect wife and mom and work. The stress on women got higher.”

Other studies have shown that rates of burnout are more or less equal among genders, although males and females experience it differently. A study published in BMC Public Health showed that female physicians are susceptible to burnout from emotional exhaustion while male physicians to burnout because of cynicism.

Steven Manning remembers the night he realized he had become pessimistic about practicing medicine. One Wednesday at his family care practice in Williamston, N.C., he worked on electronic medical records well past 9 p.m. His wife and kids waited for him at home. He had seen about 30 patients that day but felt he hadn’t given a single one the highest level of care because the appointment times were too short. Yet the hospital and insurance companies kept pressuring him to see more patients a day, not fewer.

“I began to think, ‘I’m burned out. How did I get to this point? I don’t enjoy coming into work.’” It wasn’t too late to make a change. Within a year, Manning started a direct primary care practice, a model where patients pay a membership fee, negating the need for insurance billing. Without mounds of paperwork, he had time to do what he truly wanted: help patients.

“It brought back the joy of medicine I felt I was missing,” he says. “Before, I barely had time to address my patients’ diabetes, hypertension and heart failure, let alone spend time taking a mental and spiritual inventory.”

Now, he talks with patients about depression, anxiety and stress and notices many patients are burned out, especially mothers of young kids.

Lawyer and mom Anna Swain knows the feeling.

She poured her heart and soul into fixing the troubled lives of criminals who had messed up with drugs and violence only to wind up devastated when her hard work seemed pointless.

“I’d call my mom every day on my way home from the office crying,” she says. “I was either sad over a client who was having her third meth-addicted baby or crying over a shockingly rude email by opposing counsel.” When she added motherhood to the mix, her feelings of failure increased. “I didn’t know what I was doing. Nobody does with a first child.”

Burned out on “doing the next thing I was supposed to do to be a good girl and get ahead,” she knew she needed downtime, but she was afraid to take a step back from the hamster wheel. “Boredom goes against everything we’re told to do to succeed, achieve and be proactive,” Swain says. “Even when I clean the house, I think, ‘Well, I should take the opportunity to listen to a podcast. Maybe I can grow as a person.’ Honestly, I’d grow more if I chose to be in silence and let my mind wander.”

She tried it. Rocking her baby to sleep, she wanted to watch the TV series “Game of Thrones” or scroll through her phone. But she couldn’t. One wrong move--or the glow of a screen--would wake her baby up. At first, Swain felt angry and resentful at the lack of distractions, but the stillness gave her an opportunity to daydream. That opened the door to creativity.

“I started creating little poems and rhymes in my head. I felt exhilarated,” she says. Eventually, Swain wrote a children’s book. “I felt a sense of purpose again,” she says.

The Nagoskis agree that daydreaming during low-demand tasks, having a creative outlet and engaging with something larger are three more keys to preventing burnout. They suggest writing your own obituary to find out what is meaningful to you.

“It sounds dark,” Amelia Nagoski says. “But it makes you think about who you are and what’s important to you.”

Making space in our lives so we’re not so hurried and harried isn’t easy, especially in a culture that shames slow living, Amelia Nagoski says. Preventing burnout requires hard decisions. Everyone has the same amount of time in a day: 24 hours. To rest--whether with a walk, an extra hour of sleep or a talk with a friend--means something else drops off the schedule.

At first, you might panic that you’re not “accomplishing” something. But before long, you may notice you’ve moved farther away from a breaking point. Your downward spiral will change directions.

[organiclifestylemagazine]

Minimalism - How to Change Your Life When Everything is a Mess

Sometimes it feels like our world is falling completely apart. We just don’t feel like we were born to succeed. We look around and wonder if anyone else feels like this big of a mess. Our money is scarce, our house unkempt, our health not looking too good and our relationships going down the drain. So we can’t help but think:

“What the hell is wrong with me!?”

But you mustn’t feel so bad; It’s not all your fault!

It’s the Consumerism Sabotage

Since a young age, you had your googly eyes wide open as you were out and about processing as much information as possible and figuring out how life worked. Everything you experienced in your home, at school, or anywhere you were until this day has served as the main guidance for you to arrive where you are now.

So where did it all go wrong?

Think of yourself as a computer system. It started with our system (us) suffering a series of virus attacks (brainwashing).

Related: How to Be Happy

For example, TV commercials told us that if we want to look beautiful, we must have their brand of clothing, that the most attractive folks would buy this line of fragrance, or even that their magic pills can make you thin in very little time.

Imagine our system didn’t have an anti-virus (awareness). As a result, the virus would seep in and reprogram your system to add new files (new watches, clothing, jewelry, etc.) at random times on its own (impulse purchases).

Now imagine what happens when you keep ignoring the signs that you need an antivirus (debt, having too much stuff, etc.). You keep making impulse buys until your life collapses under the chaos.

It’s time to install the antivirus before that happens. What’s the best antivirus? Minimalism.

The What, Why and How of Minimalism

What is minimalism?

As I interviewed my friend Matthew Romanchick about minimalism, he gave me what I found to be the best definition yet: “Removing the stuff that sucks you dry in favor of the things that bring you life.” So that includes removing material things, people, and old thought patterns from your life that suck you dry instead of making you a better person (This doesn’t include friends that give you constructive criticism you may not want to hear every once in a while).

Why should we become minimalists?

Consumerism is reaching new heights, and it’s a serious thing. It has become normal to spend money you don´t have, on things you don´t need. According to nerdwallet.com’s 2016 statistics report, the average household owed $137,063 in debts including credit cards, mortgage, auto loans, etc. and the worst news is that after you are in debt, it continues to cost you money to stay in debt. $1,292 per year to be exact – that is the cost of yearly interest for credit card debt alone. As a result of this, more and more people are becoming homeless and depressed in the US. In a single night in 2016 there were 549,928 people experiencing homelessness. Minimalism is the perfect way to combat this craze and help bring peace and fulfillment to people´s lives.

How can minimalism help bring peace and fulfillment?

By reducing your consumption to what is essential, your life is filled with peace. Minimalism will give you the money, time, and freedom to breathe and enjoy a low maintenance, stress-free and abundant life, instead of falling into the false illusion that one day you will have all the material things you need to finally be happy.

Here is how it works

Minimalizing equals having less — Fewer responsibilities, less debt, less guilt, less stress and less wish to buy. Minimalizing, however, also equals having more — More savings, a more clear conscience, a more pleasant night’s sleep, and a more joyful and intentional life which in turn equals to a happier life.

Recommended: Detox Cheap and Easy Without Fasting – Recipes Included

Does this mean a minimalist’s life is easy? Well, I can guarantee you that it´s simpler and more efficient than most! I take pride in getting ready in 15 minutes and looking great for the day ahead of me. But imagine that all of the sudden you could have more time for reading books or being with friends, more mental clarity to accomplish your daily goals, having renewed confidence to give dating another shot, or for some, rekindling that romance with your loved one. Imagine looking at your bank account and realizing you have the money saved up for going on trips or investing on something just for you. Minimalizing makes all of this and so much more possible!

Now if you are wondering when is the best time to start this process, I have a straightforward technique to determine that. But first, we must figure out what we need to minimalize most.

What you can minimalize

This list is to give you a better idea of where you can start. Make sure you prepare your own personal list of what you want to get rid of or adapt to serve you better.

Your home – Check out my article on these revolutionizing traveling tiny homes. Are they amazing or what? TINY HOMES — THE BIGGEST LIFE HACK

Spending – Here are some awesome saving challenges for you to fill up that bank account. 5 Money Saving Challenges to Try

Relationships/People – ” Show me your friends and I will show you your future.” That about sums it up.

Harmful thought patterns – When did feeling guilty for something you did 12 years ago solve anything? Think instead how you can make things better today. Other examples of harmful thought patterns that limit your success are fear, anxiety, feelings of unworthiness, etc.

Wardrobe – Create your own unique capsule wardrobe and improve your life by 1000%. It’s a minimalist trend you´ll love!  How to Build A Capsule Wardrobe [Gold Zipper]

Shoes – Do you really need 20 pairs of shoes for one pair of feet?

Memory box – Take pictures of the things and store on a hard drive instead. They will last you forever and save space.

Make-up – Did you know the average woman spends $200k on make-up in the span of a lifetime? You could buy five amazing tiny homes with that money. How crazy is that?

Cars – Imagine how much more gas, money, and health you would save by bike riding or walking down to the market to get those two things you need?

Now that you have a clearer picture of what to minimalize, below are eight practical steps to guide your decluttering journey.

Let´s Get Down and Dirty

Here is where we finally minimalize. Remember that you can go at your own pace because it’s not a race, it’s a beautiful life-changing journey.

STEP 1. Make a list of what you want to minimalize.

I suggest choosing one area of your home to declutter at a time, and if you are having a harder time detaching, you can start a bit smaller and declutter a section of a room of choice every weekend like for example, the kitchen cabinets this weekend, and the bathroom the next, etc.

STEP 2. Take 4 boxes and label: Trash/Donation/Sell/Unsure.

Although these are mostly self-explanatory, I’d like to elaborate on the trash box (you could also just fill up a trash bag instead). You should only trash the item if it is broken, with defects, a product with very little content or that is unusable. Also trash personal things such as letters or things that bring you negative emotions – You are beginning a fresh new phase of your life, possibly one of the best yet, why keep these things that take away your joy?

STEP 3. The checklist.

Ask yourself the questions from the minimalist checklist below for each item you own, and whatever you do, always use this list when you think of acquiring something new.

Minimalist check off list

Do I love it?

Do I need it?

Do I have multiples?

Does it represent me well?

Have I used it in the past six months?

STEP 4. Place each item in the appropriate box.

If you answered “no” to one or more of these questions (except for #3), then you should probably sell, donate or trash the item.

STEP 5. Give special attention to items with emotional attachments

This is usually intense and makes you feel like a loser at being a minimalist at first, but it’s really just part of the journey. You are going to have items you are not going to want to part with because no matter how much you dislike it, it was your grandma that gave it to you. No matter how much you resent that cheating ex from high school, you can’t bring yourself to throw away the love letter he wrote you.

What you need to do is run it through the minimalist checklist. If it turns out it doesn’t logically make sense to keep a certain item, then take a picture of it and store that instead. But if you’re really unsure about letting it go, keep it on the unsure pile.

STEP 6. The one in, one out rule.

One day you will find yourself in love with something you saw somewhere, and you are going to feel like you need to have it. A very efficient method of knowing if this item is superfluous or not is to utilize the one in one out rule. For this, you must get rid of one item you already own in exchange for the new one you wish to get. So before you buy it, make sure you have in mind the item that’s going to go (Don´t use this method while grocery shopping).

STEP 7. Have a place for seasonal items.

Example: If you’re in the summer, keep those winter clothes inside a suitcase under your bed or stored in your area of preference. When winter arrives, switch them out with your current summer clothes you won’t be needing like shorts, bikinis, crop tops, etc. Do this for every season if you find it necessary.

STEP 8. Keep the cycle going.

It is important to maintain and reorganize every so often. The reason for that is that it’s easy for things to pile up again if you’re not attentive and strict enough, so make sure to do that occasional cleaning and recycling to freshen up your wardrobe, looks, and home. I like to reassess my belongings every weekend as I clean my closet.

That’s it — these are the basic steps to minimalizing. Make sure to check out minimalist bloggers and explore different methods. There is a world of wonderful minimalists overflowing wisdom and talent out there on the web. But hold on, before you go, there is still one last thing we must address.

Minimizing Minimalist Misconceptions

I love clothes and shoes. I can’t be a minimalist.

If you love clothes and shoes (or anything else), that just means you should spend your time with the ones that deserve your time, a selection of the best and nothing less! And let me tell you, this will allow you to look and feel 100x better.

Minimalism is extreme

As much as living with all that you need and not running to the mall to shop for superfluous things as soon as you get your paycheck tends to be considered extreme, we like to think that a life of consumerism that brings every day countless people to homelessness, as extreme.

Minimalism is for plain/simple women

That’s a plain “no”… As a minimalist, you can be as bright and bold as ever. The only difference is that you won´t go broke, nuts or in debt because of it.

There is a specific amount of items you need to have as a minimalist

Each individual is in charge of finding out what is “minimal” to them. There isn´t a set rule though some people like to challenge themselves by cutting down their belongings by 288,55 or even 33 pieces of items or less.

Minimalists are cheap and don’t own nice things

False statement. Since minimalists have fewer expenses, they can afford to invest more money on items of better quality that will last them longer and look better.

New Beginnings

I hope this article has helped you on your journey and that you fall in love with minimalism like I and countless others have. Minimalism has come as a lifestyle and gift in which to change the lives of those who struggle as a result of a consumerist life, that only takes life from our lives and never gives back. Don’t you worry — the fulfillment that you thought you would get from that item will not be lost. You can create fulfillment within yourself by minimalizing your life and maximizing the pleasant, guilt-free, and memorable moments in it. Ladies, you are filled with pure potential to mold yourselves into the woman you have always longed to be, and the reason for that is: you’re human, you’re unique, and you are destined for greatness, no matter who you are. It is up to you to follow the path that is leading you towards a bright new beginning. So, say yes!

Abundant blessings to all.

Recommended Reading:

Detox Cheap and Easy Without Fasting – Recipes Included

Start Eating Like That and Start Eating Like This – Your Guide to Homeostasis Through Diet

How to Make the Healthiest Smoothies – 4 Recipes

How to Detoxify and Heal the Lymphatic System

Sources:

Addressing Minimalism’s Misconceptions – Becoming Minimalist

2016 American Household Credit Card Debt Study – Nerd Wallet

The U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development – Hud Exchange

5 Money Saving Challenges to Try – Budgets are Sexy

RELATIONSHIPS: 10 THINGS HAPPY COUPLES DO -Genesis International (Image Credit)

The Link Between Clutter and Depression – House Logic (Image Credit)

Shopping For Clothes Need Not Be A Budget Breaker – readies (Image Credit)

SUMMER PICNIC PLEASURES AT NEDERBURG – Bride Essence (Image Credit)

COMMERCIAL AND RESIDENTIAL CLEANING SERVICES EL CAJON CA – East County Cleaning Services (Image Credit)

Confessions of a Shopaholic Movie Images – FunPop (Image Credit)

Running Couple – Eat Tomorrow (Image Credit)

Minimalism – How to Change Your Life When Everything is a Mess was originally published on Organic Lifestyle Magazine