One evening, looking for some artefact from Lockwood’s parents in the clutter she shares the attic with, Lucy finds a battered old suitcase containing lots of Lockwood’s childhood toys. There's toy cars and action figures from the Fittes Agents Saturday morning cartoon. She takes it down to show Lockwood and casually mentions how she always really wanted some of the action figures as a kid but her mum never brought her any and how she used to stand outside the toy shop for hours, staring up at the toy Fittes Base they had on display in the window.
And a week later, Lucy returns home to find Lockwood and George have bought her a Fittes Base toy with all the figures that Lockwood didn’t have and they spend hours playing around with it. And even after the novelty has worn off, Lucy finds herself and the boys moving the figures around inside the base (George keeps putting them in inappropriate poses and Lockwood and Lucy keep setting them out in scenes from their favourite episodes of the cartoon)
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“But now…”
Lockwood is so vulnerable in this moment.
He’s responding directly to what she said just before she stormed away from him and into their house:
“What does it even matter if we end up stabbed, or dead at the bottom of the Thames with nobody left to care?!
This doesn’t feel like winning.”
He stood there stunned, watching her go.
Hours before, he had stood in the same spot near a different taxi, watching her stride towards him in the same blue dress with the wind in her hair. She was a vision. He smiled despite himself.
“So it’s just us”
“Is that alright?” He had asked, as she held his gaze, her smile warming him thoroughly in the chill air, his heart pounding as he held the cab door for her.
There was no smile for him now.
And it was all his fault.
After showering off the river and putting on a fresh set of clothes, he’s had a quiet moment to think about what she said in anger… and how right she was to say it. She has the truth of the matter- he put them in terrible danger and they only barely survived the night. He was so reckless and careless and utterly foolish. The self loathing voice in his head threatens to take over as the weight of it settles on his mind. She’d be right to leave him, to hate him and never forgive him, he thinks, and the thought almost breaks his heart. Self loathing collides with a sense of desperation— she can’t leave me …I need her… I’ve fallen completely and desperately in love with Lucy …and I can’t—I mustn’t— screw this up, …if I haven’t already. He takes a slow breath and gathers himself, mentally rehearsing his apology before finding her in the kitchen.
He struggles through the apology… it’s not enough. The words feel like they’re falling flat and sound hollow in his ears. He moves closer, unsure if that will help but compelled to be close, drawn to her as always.
“I just wanted to say, don’t give up on us— please”
She drops the butter knife and it clangs to the plate.
He knows he’s got it wrong- he’s barely half way to the truth. He moves closer, compelled to see her and desperate to look into her eyes. He turns his body to her, she hesitates, still and waiting.
“Or, what I really should say is… don’t give up on me.”
Now she turns to him, and he’s grateful for it. Though her expression is unreadable, she gives him strength to show her his darkness. It’s her strength now that compels him:
“To be honest the bottom of the Thames used to be a far more appealing place to be.
And really no one would have cared.
But now…”
Is almost a question he poses, it’s so tentative.
There’s so much unsaid after those two words, and he has to believe it’s enough and she already knows the rest:
But now… Now I want to live. Because of you, Lucy. You came along and gave me something to live for.
But now, maybe someone would care if I ended up at the bottom of the Thames. I didn’t dare to think you cared about me, Lucy… but then you went and told me so. It was just before we went into Winkman’s auction earlier that night.
I was frustrated and rash and I said “when my time comes I don’t plan on leaving anyone behind who’s going to stare at that door every night, wishing I would just walk through it one more time”
And then you stopped me in my tracks:
“Well you should have never let me in, or George, because now it’s far too late.”
And that left me speechless.
So yes, I can say something as profound and crazy as “but now…” because I dare to believe you, Lucy. I have to try to believe you, to believe that I matter to someone. To two people even, my best friends that I love dearly and one that I love so deeply that it terrifies me.
“But now…”.
Silence. I have no more words. And I hope it’s enough.
I can only stare into her eyes, totally at her mercy, waiting for whatever she might say next …fully knowing it can break me. But what else can I do. I’m wrecked for her. And I’m a complete idiot and we both know it and she’d be right to reject my apology, to reject me. I stand with bated breath, looking into her beautiful eyes not daring to hope for forgiveness.
“Grenadier guard or policeman”
I exhale.
A wave of relief floods through my chest as the tension I didn’t know I held is released. I struggle to stand composed, this close to her while I’m taken by a flood of gratefulness and love for this fierce and brilliant girl who has —and forever will have— my heart.
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It's canonically stated that Lockwood doesn't like sugar in his tea. (I believe it was in the Creeping Shadow)
So I now have a firm belief that Lucy puts sugar in Lockwood’s tea whenever she's pissed at him. He might already know she's upset, so sometimes the sweet taste is not a surprise to him. But other times, when he's unaware of what she's feeling, he sips his tea and gets a surprise -oh f*ck I did something what did I do???- moment.
The amount of sugar also depends on the severity of what he did. Sometimes he doesn't even taste it, there's so little. Other times his tea is the consistency of mud.
One time in particular Lucy offered him his cup just as she always did. He took it with thanks and went to take a drink when he looked down.
There was no tea.
She handed him a cup of sugar.
Lockwood had never been more afraid in his life.
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