#what the absolute fuck did they put in these two characters in 1993 they’re like crack fr fr

[gregmarriage]

x files 1x08 ‘ice’ was so fucking funny for having mulder make a joke about the size of his dick in front of two other men, and scully touch a woman’s chest as part of a medical exam, then immediately share a lesbian look with her, that has nothing to do with said medical exam

[those70scomics]

I’ve never written a story where Jackie and Hyde have any children, and I still haven’t. But I have written partial outlines for a few. Today (as a gift to you on my birthday), I present what I have of a story called Fourteen Autumns.

Animation Tutorial - Falling Leaves by SadfaceRL

Summary: On the fourteenth autumn of her daughter’s life, Jackie is finally ready to be a mother to her -- and reconcile with Hyde. But after many years of disappointments, neither Hyde nor their daughter, Sparrow, are sure they’re ready to accept Jackie fully into their family. Or heart.

Fourteenth Autumn. October 25, 1993.

Jackie, Hyde, and thirteen-year-old Sparrow meet up at the Point Place Harvest Festival with Eric and Donna's family (they have two sons) and Red and Kitty. Jackie and Hyde need to have a serious talk. Eric and Donna take Sparrow away with them to facilitate this talk. Jackie's a soap opera actress in NYC. She pretends to be in love all the time on her show. Her character's been married five times. But her life is unfulfilling. She's emotionally cut-off. Acting in a soap opera means memorizing thirty pages on a good day. But she can be given up to eighty pages if production demands recording four episodes in one day. Soap opera acting is not where she imagined she'd still be by now. She'd hoped to transition to a prime-time show, comedy or drama. It just hasn't happened for her. She's switched soaps a few times and returned to her first one. Her agent keeps encouraging her to audition, but her career is not enough. She misses her connections to her friends and family. Hyde believes Jackie wants to fill her emotional void with Sparrow, and he won't let Jackie use her. Jackie says she still has feelings for Hyde, too. They've slept together on and off over the years. Jackie tried one-night stands and even dated a few people “seriously,” and the sex meant nothing. She needs the emotional connection. Hyde made Sparrow his focus once she was born. He slept around, but he never fell in love. He didn't want any relationship to pull his attention from raising Sparrow. Jackie wants to try dating Hyde again, and she wants to be in Sparrow's life. She'll quit acting. Hyde says she's too ambitious to give up on her passion / career. Jackie says unless she writes something herself, like an independent movie, and gets it funded, she won't be living her passion anyway. Hyde says Sparrow's turning fourteen soon. She'll enter high school next year. Jackie asks if that means Jackie can't be mom to her daughter if her daughter's a teenager. Hyde says Jackie hasn't been a mom to Sparrow for thirteen years. Jackie is hurt by this. Hyde understands why.

First Autumn. Late September, 1979.

Jackie is a month away from giving birth. She and Hyde are in the same park as in 1993. Leaf colors are just barely starting to change. Hyde tells Jackie, “I'm not so sure about this adoption thing.” Jackie tells Hyde that she has to give the baby up for adoption. He says its our baby, not the. Jackie says it won't be. She's already had to defer college a semester. She wants her future. Raising a baby isn't right. She has no parental support with her dad in prison and mom off in Mexico or wherever again. Jackie says keeping the child would be selfish. Hyde's thought about that a lot since learning Jackie was pregnant. And he's tried to convince himself that letting his child be raised by other people is the right thing to do. But he feels connected to their kid. He'll always wonder, “What if?”

He loves Jackie, and he thinks they can handle it. He knows that this all sounds weird coming from him. But they don't need Jackie's parents. Hyde's got two sets of his own: W.B. and the Formans. Money's not going to be a problem, and neither is daycare. Hyde's got Grooves. Jackie can still go to college. She'll just have to put it off for a year instead of months and transfer to one she can commute to. Jackie got into NYU's acting program. She can't—and won't—give that up.

Hyde says but she can give up their kid?

Jackie says, again, it won't be theirs. She's—they're—giving it up for adoption. She's been looking through the portfolios of potential parents, and she's come up with three choices. She wants Hyde to look at them with her. Hyde says he doesn't have to. He already knows who their kid's dad is. Jackie [desperate]: “Steven, please!” Hyde says, “I'm raising our kid, Jackie. With or without you. I want it to be with, but I won't force you, all right? I won't. But I got this--” he presents an engagement ring--“a month ago. That's when I realized I didn't want to give up our kid, but I had no clue how to talk to you about it.” Jackie says he can't use marriage as a trap, just like he used to tell her she couldn’t against him.

Hyde says he doesn't mean it as a trap but as a promise they'll be partners in this, in everything. Jackie: “I need you to be my partner in letting the—our child go.” Hyde: “I can't.” Jackie, devastated, knows she's lost. She can't deny Hyde the right to be their child's father. “Then you'll lose me.” Hyde: “Jackie—” Jackie: “Because I can't be in this child's life. I'm going to be in debt for half my life to pay for school. I don't … I'm not capable of raising a child right now. Maybe if I'd gotten pregnant ten years from now, but not today.” She says his mom always resented his birth, his existence, because it meant the end of all the hopes and dreams she had for her life. His mom was only nineteen. Jackie's only eighteen, and she doesn't want to resent her child.

If she could somehow freeze the baby and thaw it once Jackie was ready to be a mother … but that's not possible, and she's not ready. And no matter how much she might love their child, part of her will probably resent it. And it won't be their child's fault. Just like his mom's resentment wasn't Steven's fault. But she won't be able to help how she feels. She'd rather let two loving people, who are absolutely ready and willing and wanting to raise a baby have their child than risk making their child feel unloved in any way. Hyde is quite emotional over this comparison. He says, “I don't want our kid ever feeling the way I did, either. I'm not exactly ready to be a dad, okay? I get it. But I already...” Jackie takes his hand and places it on her stomach. She understands. Steven loves their child.   Jackie: “You also already have a career you're happy with. Three parents who adore and support you. We were both afraid of the future for different reasons, and in different ways, but you're not anymore because your present is settled. You trust it. But without this baby, my future is full of possibilities. With it, my destiny is written, and it's not the one I want.” Hyde can't argue. Grief is written on his face. She sees it. Jackie: “I know I sound selfish, and maybe I am being selfish. But I truly believe giving this baby up for adoption is the kindest, least selfish option for all of us.” Hyde: “Not for me.”

First Autumn. October 25, 1979.

Hyde and Mrs. Forman are taking a walk on a leaf-strewn path. Hyde's been taking Kitty's baby-care class all month. He's read baby-care books the month before that and asked Kitty all kinds of questions. Kitty asks if Hyde's excited about becoming a father. Jackie's due date is so soon.

Hyde says he's scared but relieved Jackie agreed to let him raise the kid … and that the Formans agreed to help as much as they can. Kitty says this is her first grandchild. She's honored and so happy Hyde decided to raise the child. She's worried about Jackie, though. Kitty tried to convince Jackie to hold the baby after birth, just so she wouldn't have any questions. Just to have a moment of bonding. Jackie is adamant she has no contact with the baby.

This hurts Hyde's heart. Hyde says Jackie's got to do what she's got to do. Kitty questions him and asks if that statement represents how he actually feels.

Hyde: “It’s reality.”

Kitty: “I’m so terribly sorry -- and incredibly sad -- that your baby broke you and Jackie up.”

Hyde: “Me, too.” Kitty changes the subject (for herself and him). She asks if Hyde's thought of a name yet.

Hyde: “If it's a boy, Zeppelin. If it's a girl, Zeppelin.”

Kitty [horrified]: “You can't name your child after a blimp.”

Hyde says Led Zeppelin is his favorite band.

Kitty doesn't care. He has to think of a proper name for his child.

Hyde remembers when Jackie used to talk about boy and girl names she'd want to name their future kids. He used to get so uncomfortable with these conversations that he'd come up with the most ridiculous names to shut her up. But he doesn't want to pick one of the names Jackie wanted since their kid might resent Jackie for choosing not to be in her life. Kitty asks if he looked through the baby name book she gave him.

He says he has, but none of the names stuck out at him. He was named after his stepdad, who was named after his dad. A SPARROW lands near them on a fence. It draws Hyde's focus. In this moment, he emotionally connects to how his life is going to change completely in a few days. He won't be responsible only for himself but another life: physically, mentally, and emotionally. Kitty sees that Hyde is getting emotional. His face is flushing. Kitty hugs him, like she knows what he needs. He doesn't hug her back immediately.

She says, “You won't be doing this alone. I promise, Steven. Red and I consider you our son, and we won't let you do this alone.” Hyde's arms wrap around Kitty in this moment, and he says, “Thanks. ... I--” He takes a deep breath and laughs to release tension. “Fuck it. I love you.” Kitty hugs him tighter. That's the first time he's ever said the words aloud without her prompting him.

Kitty: “I love you, too—and watch your language. You're about to have a baby!” She lets go of Hyde, and they laugh. He wipes his wet eyes, and they continue walking.

First Autumn. October 28, 1979.

Hospital delivery room. Jackie gives one final push, and out comes her and Hyde’s daughter. Hyde has his shirt unbuttoned. He sits in a chair, and the doctor puts the baby in Hyde's arms, against his chest for warmth. The doctor and nurses dry off and clean up the baby while she's in Hyde's arms. They also evaluate baby. She's fine. They cut the umbilical cord. Hyde: “Jackie, you've got to see her—just see her. She's beautiful.” No answer. Nurse says low,  “We've got a room all set up for you down the hall. It's probably best we go.” Hyde: “Jackie's still breathing?” Nurse, “Yes. She's all right, but we need to respect her wishes.” Hyde stands with the baby. The nurse guides Hyde toward the door, but Jackie says, “Wait!” Hyde does. He turns around. Jackie says, “Let me hold her.” Hyde brings the baby to Jackie and places her on Jackie's bare chest. Jackie, with tears in her eyes, has a moment of connection with her child. She kisses the top of the baby's head then lets her go. Hyde, holding the baby against his own bare chest, says, “Do you want to know her name?” Jackie [crying]: “Yes.” Hyde: “Sparrow Katherine.” Jackie doesn't remark on whether or not she likes the name. She just nods weakly, as if she's accepted the baby's not hers to name. She willingly gave up that right.

First Autumn. November 1, 1979.

Hyde's in what used to be Laurie's room. It's now Hyde's room and decorated like it, too. Inside is also Sparrow's crib -- which Red made -- a changing table, and a rocking chair that Mrs. Forman insisted on. Shelves are filled with parenting books as well as books to read to Sparrow. By the crib, on Hyde's nightstand, is a baby monitor; a gift from Angie. Hyde's sitting in the rocking chair. No sunglasses. Sparrow is five-days-old, and Hyde is bottle-feeding her while Eric and Donna visit from Madison college. They wanted to see their goddaughter. Eric and Donna couldn't be there during the week, or birth, because of school. They drove down Friday night, arriving too late to see the baby in the hospital. But now they're talking with Hyde and amazed at Sparrow. Hyde finishes the feeding and burps her. He hopes she keeps down the formula, but Mrs. Forman taught him how to feed her so she doesn't swallow too much air. Eric: “I can't believe you're a dad.” Donna: “I can't believe Sparrow is so quiet. Can I hold her … if she doesn't throw up?” Hyde: “Yeah, I think it's safe. But just in case...”

He indicates a soft towel on the changing station. Eric gets it. Donna places it over her shirt, and Hyde hands her the baby. Donna holds Sparrow properly. Hyde gets nervous when new people hold his kid, but he trusts Donna. Donna is totally enamored with Sparrow. She says, “Her eyes are so blue!” Hyde: “Mrs. Forman says that could change in six months. Maybe she's got Jackie's eyes.” Donna [smiling / close to nuzzling Sparrow's face]: “Well, she doesn't seem to have Jackie's temper.” Eric: “So, Hyde, how are you doing with all this?” Hyde: “Great, man. Red and Mrs. Forman are in love with the kid. Angie's in town, taking care of the store while I'm on paternity leave, but she's been over here every night to get Sparrow-time—and Mrs. Forman's cooking. W.B. was here when Sparrow was born and helped out the first few days, too. Hell, I'm lucky if I get to parent Sparrow at all.” Donna [laughing]: “Come on. That's not true.” It isn't, but his family has really taken to Sparrow. Hyde knows how fortunate he is. He's got all the support he told Jackie they would get. Eric: “What about Jackie? I mean, she's not starting college until next semester. Has she … will she ..?” Hyde gets uncomfortable, and Sparrow starts to fuss in Donna's arms, as if she senses Hyde's discomfort. Donna passes Sparrow back to Hyde, and Hyde feels better with Sparrow in his arms. He sits in the rocking chair again.   Hyde: “Jackie held her in the hospital room. Then she let her go.” Let both of them go. “Not gonna say it doesn't kill me 'cause it does. But I didn't know I could feel like this...” He gazes at Sparrow, who grabs Hyde's finger. “It's freakin' unreal how much I love her.” Donna is touched. She lays her hand on Eric's knee and says, “You almost make me want to have kids.” Eric [nervous]: “You don't want kids?” Donna [who still has Sparrow's towel, which fell to her lap]: “I do. We've talked about that. Just not now.” Eric [relieved]: “Right. Right. Hey, Hyde, think I could hold her sometime?” Hyde: “After her nap, sure.” He begins to rock her in the chair. Donna: “Aw, you're such a softy.” “Should we tell Aunt Donna to get bent?” Hyde says to Sparrow -- with a voice he'd never heard come out of him until she was born. It should disturb him, how sickeningly sweet it is, but it doesn't. He looks up at Donna and says with his normal tone, “Sparrow says I should give you a break.” Donna: “Thanks, Sparrow.”   Eric: “Speaking of Sparrow, how'd you come up with that name? I thought for sure you'd name her Clapton or Hendrix.” Hyde: “A sparrow showed up at the right time.”

So did Forman and his folks. And Donna. W.B. and Angie … and Jackie. All the people he's ever needed in his life showed up when he needed them, and Sparrow's the latest one in that list.

Sparrow yawns, and Hyde kisses Sparrow's forehead. He's going to be there for Sparrow no matter what happens in her life or where she chooses to go. She'll always have him to come back to.

Tenth Autumn. October 5, 1989.

SPARROW'S DIARY. October 5. Jackie sent Sparrow her first diary. It has a purple cover, her favorite, and Jackie glued a picture of a sparrow to the cover. SPARROW writes about this in her first diary entry. October 5, 1989. Hello, diary. How are you? I know you can't answer, but I'm happy Mom bought you for me. You're my favorite color, purple, and Mom glued a pretty picture of a sparrow on the front. She said in her note that you're one of her any-time presents. She sends those to me a lot. I wish she was here. I almost never see her—except on TV. Farmor lets me watch her on Nights of Our Days sometimes. Dad doesn't like it, but I want to know my mom. I mean, Dad's told me a lot about her. He answers all my questions, but it's not the same as talking to her. She doesn't love me. Dad says she does, but he also says presents don't mean love, and I think the same thing. But people who do love me give me presents a lot, too, like Dad and Farmor, Farfar, and Grandpa. But they also spend time with me and take me to places like the zoo and Funland and play games with me, and I know they love me, and I love them. I don't know if I love Mom. Dad says that's okay. He doesn't love his mom, either. His mom hurt him really bad, but he won't tell me how. He says she's like Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty, and that's scary. I've seen that movie about a hundred times. Farmor reminds me of Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather. She's my grandma, and she's so funny. We laugh all the time, but she's also like my mom. Not Mom but an actual mom. I love her so much, and I love my dad more than anything. I wish he was happier. … I mean, he is happy. I'm happy, too, but sometimes we're both sad. He loves Mom, and maybe I should, too? Maybe I do. I'm just so MAD at her. Anyway, diary, I better go. Talk to you again soon!

That’s all I wrote. But had I finished this story, we would’ve gotten glimpses of Hyde, Sparrow, and Jackie's lives throughout autumns two through thirteen -- with Jackie and Hyde’s (and eventually Sparrow’s) conversation during the fourteenth autumn interspersed among the chapters.

The epilogue would’ve been the fifteenth autumn, a year after Jackie asks to be part of Sparrow and Hyde’s lives. We see that the family is together and happy, although still working through things. But everything is moving in the right direction.

[tessatechaitea]

Justice League Task Force #1 (1993)

Martian Manhunter looks like he's doing the most painful Boob/Butt Showcase ever attempted.

I know J'onn J'onzz's entire body is supposed to be facing forward on this cover but it really looks like he's turning all the way around at the waist. If there's any character that could successfully do that, it's Elongated Man. And also Martian Manhunter. So I'm less worried about J'onn's stance than I am about Gypsy's torso. Unless it's her ass that's the problem. Maybe the entire problem with this cover is simply Sal Velluto. This seems to be the only issue of this series that I own. That's good because the cover art by Sal is not promising. Also, I don't recognize any of the names in the creative team. Was this one of those "Let's give some new talent a project nobody at DC really cares about" kind of deals? It would seem that way judging by the roster. Even though Martain Manhunter was the backbone of the Justice League for many years, he's still kind of a nobody, nothing, bottom-of-the-barrel hero. And Gypsy?! You can't even say her name anymore without somebody canceling your shit. I don't have any complaints about The Flash because I have to save them for the members of the team on the back cover.

Ugh. Aquaman and Nightwing! The worst! Even worse than those two in the corner, Amanda Waller's younger sister and Alfred Hitchcock in a toupee.

Some of you younger jerks might not remember a time when Nightwing sucked. He fucking suuuuuuuucked. The absolute worst. He was like when you're wearing boxers and the tip of your dick pops out of the pee gateway and starts rubbing on the inside of your Levi's. He was like when you take a shit and you feel the loss of the turd's momentum right at the end and you just know you're going to have a huge hanger and probably a good inch or two of shit still up in your asshole which you'll be dealing with for the rest of the day. He was like when you're a guy and having a really good sex dream and suddenly you realize it's a dream and if you complete the act, you're going to have a huge mess to clean up and then you wake up because your brain is all "I don't want to clean up the mess!" but you're all, "You stupid brain! I was getting laid!" Man, he was just awful. And Aquaman was worse! This issue is called "The Tyranny Gun" and I'm pretending I understand that. I'm just nodding my head and enthusiastically saying out loud, "Yeah! Yeah! A gun! That shoots tyranny! Get fucked, motherfuckers!"

I get that J'onn J'onzz is probably an approximation of his real Martian name but I wouldn't call it "convenient." John Jones is his convenient name!

Martian Manhunter has been tracking down French separatist terrorists who want Quebec to secede from Canada. Yeah, okay, 1993. What an innocent time! This plot sounds like the plot of a slapstick comedy. The French version of Stripes. Why the fuck would a bunch of French people want Quebec to secede from Canada?! As if it's not already practically France anyway! I'm sure they're angry that some people fuse English words with French words, sullying their perfect fucking language. I'd be more apt to believe the Dungeon & Dragons Club in my junior high school had been running dog fights after school. You might be thinking, "That's not that ludicrous!" But then you didn't see the absolute nerds in my Dungeons and Dragons club.

I don't know why that one kid's face was blacked out by the Year Book Staff. Maybe he was so handsome he made the other guys feel bad. Or maybe...maybe he was the lead guy running the dog fights?!

As Martian Manhunter is roughing up the Quebecois terrorists, he thinks, "'Politically correct' murder." What does that even mean?! Is he suggesting French Canadians think it's okay to murder as long as you murder somebody who isn't French? Does he think Canadians murdering is politically correct? Trying to parse that statement is reminding my brain what it was like to read an Ann Nocenti script. Martian Manhunter pats himself on the back (which he can do because he has every super power in the book including Plastic Man arms) for stopping the French terrorists. He's proud that in a world with little justice, he can provide some of his own. I mean, sure! It's easy to create justice when you're the only one you have to consult in the justicing of things. Technically, I think that's called authoritarianism. But I suppose if enough people can agree that what you did without any input from anybody else at all was a decent thing, you can get away with doing it over and over again. Like Superman and sort of like Batman. I say "sort of like Batman" because I think a lot of people hate the way Batman acts and Batman just doesn't give a fuck. Meanwhile, some government types in Washington need a new Suicide Squad. But different! One composed of heroes that don't ask too many questions instead of dangerous criminals who do ask lots of questions but also know that they can have their heads blown off at any second. They need these heroes to help keep a leader of an allied nation in power. The leader has a habit of murdering political rivals so the United States doesn't want to be seen helping him. So they need a covert team of super heroes to defend the bastard. I guess those heroes will be Martian Manhunter (because he doesn't really understand Earth's ways and if you point out he's creating justice, he'll jump at the chance), Aquaman (because he needs the money), Nightwing (because he needs to prove he can make it on his own without Batman), The Flash (because he's kind of dumb, especially when it comes to politics), and Gypsy (because she can hide well, I guess).

The comic includes a Justice League Task Force membership card which I never filled out and removed.

You can tell I didn't buy into this whole government Justice League bullshit because I didn't fill out the card and stick it in my wallet for years. And I didn't not do it because I was 21 at the time! I carried around my Elfquest Fan Club card and my Wizardry Baltec's Trading Post charge card from Wizardry IV until the day I stopped carrying a wallet that closes with Velcro (that was probably in my late mid-twenties!). Hannibal, the Alfred Hitchock in a toupee looking guy from the back cover, is the man chosen to lead the Justice League Task Force. He approaches Martian Manhunter by walking into his apartment uninvited. Martian Manhunter, knowing that every cop is just looking for an excuse to shoot him with a flamethrower, acts like it's no big deal that this guy intruded on his privacy. Hannibal tells Martian Manhunter that the government needs a strike force that could save millions of lives and Martian Manhunter blurts out, "Justice!" Then he composes himself and he's all, "I'm probably in. But tell me about it first. And don't lie! I'll know if you're lying! I have all the super powers, remember!" Meanwhile in London, Justice League Europe are fighting a sewer dinosaur.

I've eaten enough sandwiches in a dark room to know Dr. Light is wrong.

Sometimes I'll read a comic book like Watchmen or The Sandman and proudly think, "This is why I read comic books!" And other times, I scan a panel of Dr. Light bending over so that you can see her lady package and I shamefully think, "This is why I read comic books!" Dr. Light is upset that Justice League Europe eventually has to kill the sewer dinosaur. But Flash is all, "It killed a bunch of people! No one ever said being a hero was full-time fun." (The second sentence of that quote is exact. I know I used quotes so you would think the entire thing was exact. But I like to embellish sometimes.) So according to The Flash, killing people for justice isn't fun. He should get that message across to American gun owners. They're all salivating looking for an excuse to murder somebody.

It's canon! Aquaman smells like shit!

Hannibal calls up Justice League Europe and he's all, "Martian Manhunter needs Aquaman and The Flash for a UN sanctioned mission!" But The Flash, who I thought would be the easiest pushover, is all, "I don't like being told what to do and just going to do it! What are we, a bunch of trained monkeys?" (Again, the second sentence is an actual quote!) But Aquaman is all, "You said it yourself! This isn't always fun. If we're needed for a vague mission where we're doing the work of the United States Government to protect the interests of shadowy men and multi-billion dollar corporations, who are we to refuse?" And The Flash is all, "You're right! Well argued! I am a trained monkey! Let's go!" Martian Manhunter recruits Gypsy in the middle of a shopping spree that's totally not a racist stereotype at all. I don't think. Maybe it is. It was 1993! Nobody knew gypsy was a slur even though if you somebody said "gypsy," everybody in the room would immediately picture the exact stereotype. You'd think we would have realized how that's like the epitome of being racist. It really made it tough on young lazy girls to put together a quick Halloween costume when everybody realized how terrible we all were. At least as a guy, we were able to get away with being hobos and tramps a little bit longer! Gypsy agrees to work on the Task Force because she needs money and a place to stay and maybe a new moniker. The team decides they're ready to go because they can't get Batman. But that's when Nightwing comes in through the balcony window and says, "Will I do?!" And everybody goes, "Aww. Batman would have dropped through the skylight!" Nobody wants to work with Nightwing because he's not in the Justice League. But Hannibal is all, "Oh, you're working with him! And that's not the only thing you're not going to like to hear! Because your job is to protect a despot and a tyrant! You need to make sure a bunch of people on some shitty island keep their terrible living conditions!" Gypsy, Martian Manhunter, The Flash, and Aquaman all make sour faces and do face palms. But Nightwing is all, "Yes! Let's do this! Suck it, Batman!" Justice League Task Force #1 Rating: C. It's as average as a comic book about a super hero group doing the terrible work of the government. I suppose that isn't always average since Suicide Squad was really good. But then they weren't heroes and they were forced to go on terrible missions. So that's why that worked. I don't see how forcing Justice League members to do terrible things in the name of the United States government is a good idea for a book. That's probably why I never purchased Issue #2!

[silentglassbreak]

I saw your prompts are open and I had to jump in! I love your writings for our boys, esp the fluff it makes me so soft when they’re soft💚 maybe something where they have kids and go SUPER HARD for Halloween and have really intricate family costumes that they work on, like all year and it’s just fluffy and everyone loves each other and is happy 🥺 you’re such a wonderful writer!! Thank you!!

Before we begin, I’d like to say a few things:

Firstly, thank you for requesting this. I had no idea how badly I needed to write this. It made my heart so happy to create this, and I sincerely hope it doesn’t disappoint. 🖤

Secondly, I know this one kind of goes off on some tangents, but I did my best to keep it on prompt as well as I could, but there was so much I needed to include, and so much I didn’t.

Third, let me know what we think of Riley? I kind of really loved writing her into a story with Billy and Steve, and am thinking of exploring her character more in the future. Feedback, please?

Fourth(isn’t this getting ridiculous?), I was chopping down a tree in my front yard when I got this, and literally s t o p p e d to start it. I did have to go back and finish the job, and it’s really okay, the tree was dead, but I’ve been working on this most of the night, and that’s how excited I was for this prompt.

Fifth(seriously, get on with it), I chose Hocus Pocus 150% for a real fucking reason. That movie is everything to me, and -fun fact- I’m actually named after a character in that movie! 😉 (No, my name is not Winifred)

Last(omg, rly?), if you would like a song rec for the story, I highly recommend Crystal by Stevie Nicks. It’s where I got the title, and honestly, it’s kind of the unofficial theme I’ve assigned to the Harringrove ship as a whole. If you’ve seen the movie Practical Magic, you’ll recognize it.

Now, shall we begin?

Like The Love That Had Finally Found Me

October 29, 1993 - Hawkins, IN

“Steve, you’re going to rip the fabric!” Nancy was nearly screaming at him from across the kitchen, coffee in one hand, spoon stirring in the other. “Do you want milk or half and half?” He was only somewhat listening to her by now, but he answered around the pins in his mouth, fingers working to sew the orange and yellow fringe onto the black velvet scarf.

“Uhm…” He finally tore his eyes away and looked up at the brunette girl standing in his kitchen. “Milk, please.” She nodded and poured the hot coffee into the rainbow mug that read ‘#1 Dad’. She wasn’t sure if Riley had picked it out for Steve or Billy, but either way, it made her smile to herself.

“You’re almost done. It’s going to look great,” she set the steaming cup down in front of him at the kitchen table. “unless you oversew and tear a hole in it.” Her hand came to gently rest on his. Her clear blue eyes shining up at him, he finally faltered, snipping the thread with his scissors and setting down the scarf.

He breathed a sigh that wore as tired as he felt. The last three and a half months had been absolute mayhem for him and Billy, causing the entire end of summer and beginning of fall to feel like a never ending shift. He regretted nothing.

Back in July, when Billy took their daughter to see Hocus Pocus for their regular Sunday Dad-Riley Movie Night, she came home starry eyed and as enthusiastic as a firework.

‘Daddy, that was the best movie ever! You have to come with Dad and I, to see it again next weekend! I want to be Dani Dennison for Halloween! And you can be Max, and Dad can be Billy the Zombie! That’s already his name. Did you know I’m the same age as Dani? She’s eight too! Can we get a black cat to be Binx? Please, Daddy, pleeeeease?!’

From that moment forward, Hocus Pocus had become Steve’s life. Billy was working full-time at the auto shop, so Steve had more free time to concentrate on the task at hand. And concentrate, oh he fucking did.

Steve Harrington’s life had become so much more than he had ever imagined. Eight years may be a long time to some, but for him, it was the fastest moving period of time he had ever lived for. One year after the Starcourt ‘burning’, Billy had officially recovered from his near-fatal injuries, and spontaneously confessed his feelings to Steve. It was an angry, awkward, embarrassing time for them, that led to almost a month of denial and avoidance from both Steve and Billy. In that three-week-five-day period, Billy had grown to understand that Steve needed time, and had not actually rejected him. It was a process, that Billy later decided was worth the wait.

The following six months led to the ultimate change, which was Billy finally leaving Neil Hargrove’s house and moving in with Chief Hopper as his ‘adopted’ son. Billy was almost nineteen, so they didn’t bother with the paperwork, but Hopper did bother to get to know Billy, work to understand him, and finally comfort him enough to make him feel at home.

Billy then found himself with two younger sisters, and when Hopper and Joyce married three months later, a younger brother, and a brother his own age. Steve was grateful he got to witness the change in Billy; the growth. He found himself falling for Billy harder every day, resistance dissolving a little each time he saw his toothy, devious grin.

Two years after the disaster, Steve confessed his feelings to Billy, all fast-talking and nerves frayed. Told him that he had never felt this way for anyone, let alone a boy. Told him he had been scared and weak and apologized about three hundred times for making him wait. Billy forgave him with a kiss, an embrace, and a promise that things would be different.

Billy kept his promise.

Six months later, Steve experienced tragedy in the form of his younger brother, Troy Harrington, and his wife, Angela, being fatally injured in a car accident. The loss was trying on Steve, Billy having to hold him too many nights while he sobbed and shook, asking him questions he just could answer like why? And how? And who the fuck let this happen? It took time, it took work, and it took strength to pull out of the dark place Steve had crawled into, but he managed.

Two months later, Steve was approached by Marlena Andowski, Social Services Case Worker handling case number 22496A, Riley Harrington. Riley was two years and seven months old when her parents passed, leaving her an orphan and sleeping at her Uncle’s Steve’s every night. Marlena had asked Steve if he would consider adopting Riley, and Steve said yes with no hesitation, signing paperwork, showing paystubs and rent receipts, taking drug tests, and toddler-proofing his small apartment for the long haul ahead.

It took about one day for Billy to fall head over heels in love with Riley, and only seven months for her to call him Daddy for the first time. Billy didn’t know how to feel at first, until her little hands tugged on his shirt and pointed to the pink stuffed frog at the grocery store, repeating herself, ‘Please, Daddy! Can I get the Frog?’ Steve knew when they walked in the door, stuffed toy clutched in tiny arms, glittery red nail polish on Billy’s fingers, that they were a family.

And then, almost five years later, Steve found himself sitting in the kitchen of the home Billy and him purchased, less than forty-eight hours before Halloween, sewing the last of his daughter’s costume together so that everything was just right.

Steve drank from his coffee mug hungrily, with still so much to do and a very long night ahead, when Riley came barreling into the living room, Nancy and Jonathan’s daughter Madison, in tow.

“Daddy?” Steve looked at her, eyes tired.

“What’s up, sweetheart?” Her smile was sweet, beaming bright as the sun.

“Can Maddie sleep over? We want to watch Jurassic Park, she hasn’t seen it yet.” He raised an eyebrow at her.

“Did Maddie ask her mother if that’s okay?” He eyed the small, light-brown haired girl standing behind Riley, who was turned toward Nancy.

“Mama, can I-“ Nancy put up a hand to stop her.

“Do you have homework this weekend?” Both girls shook their heads in unison. She smirked and looked to Steve. “It’s fine with me if it is with you.” He turned his gaze back to his own little girl, smiling now.

“Okay, Jurassic Park is in mine and your Dad’s room, be careful taking it out of the VCR.” The girls squealed and made a dash for the hallway when Steve called out. “Riles!” She turned her head to him, stopped in her tracks. “Lights out at eleven!” She grinned wide.

“Midnight?” He narrowed his stare and pursed his lips.

“Eleven-thirty, final offer.” She nodded her head and she was gone.

*

Billy opened the door with a loud thump. He really needed to fix the latch. Steve watched from the couch where he had The X-Files reruns playing, taking a break from his Halloween-related chores. Steve still had to finish cleaning the house, put up the decorations, and make the food for the party they were throwing in two days’ time, all while working mornings at Family Video; the back office work that came with owning a business. He did most of it from home, but he had to go in sometimes, if only to remind the teenagers he hired that they can’t make out in the workplace.

“Hey babe.” Billy’s voice was gruff, filled with exhaustion. Steve smiled at him, eyes watching Billy toe off his boots and pull his jacket off, hanging it on the rack near the door. “How’d the day go?” Keys and wallet dropped on the hall table, Billy made his way over to the kitchen.

“As to be expected.” Binx was purring softly in his lap, Steve’s hand idly stroking sleek, black fur. “Riley got her math test back, aced it, of course.” Billy snorted while he washed the grease from his hands.

“She better have. We studied for weeks for that damn test.” Steve turned the volume down on the television and picked up the cat laying in his lap, gently placing him aside on the cushions. He padded through the dining room and into the kitchen, moving for the fridge to grab a beer. He took a long pull and sighed on the exhale while setting another down on the counter next to Billy.

“We had spaghetti for dinner because it’s Friday.” Riley always wanted pasta on Fridays. Billy dried his hands on a dish towel before grabbing his beer. Steve noted his hair was pulled back in a ponytail. “And I got her costume finished.” The last words came out triumphantly.

Billy nodded his head. “Right on. I’m excited to see it.” His gray t-shirt was oil-stained and dirty. The rugged look made Steve want to bounce up and down a little. He took another drink from his bottle.

“Mm, and Maddie’s sleeping over.” Billy looked at Steve, a smirk on his face. His feet moved him toward Steve until his face was close enough to touch.

“Ah, I see.” He set his beer down on the island, hands coming to run up and down Steve’s arms. “So, we won’t be seeing much of her tonight, then?” His eyes were dark.

It had been weeks since they had enough time alone to get their hands on each other, and Steve was so hungry. The smallest things were turning him on about Billy, to a point where he couldn’t watch him lick an ice cream cone without excusing himself. It was complete mania, and the thought of having him alone made Steve’s breathing cut short.

“I guess so.” His voice was low, eyes glancing over to the clock on the stove. Nine-thirty. He had two and a half hours before the girls had to be asleep. If they quietly excused themselves, maybe, just maybe, they could…

“Dad!” Their bodies pulled apart instantly, Riley’s voice filling their heads and clearing the thoughts they were both falling into.

“Hey, baby!” Billy stepped around Steve, arms opening for Riley to plunge into. He wrapped them around her in a bear-hug, bending down to meet her small frame. “How’s my girl?”

“Good! I got an A on my test!” He beamed at her, all teeth and pride.

“I heard! Great job, man!” He high-fived her. The moment made Steve’s heart tear in just a few places. Billy’s eyes were fixed on their daughter, chocolate brown hair falling down her back, pale skin, enormous brown eyes that always seemed to sparkle, purple striped pajamas and pink slippers.

“Hi Uncle Billy!” Maddie stood next to Riley, arms opened for a hug.

“Hey, kid, how you doin’?” He wrapped her in a hug as well, although, not as tight and protective. Those hugs were only for Riley.

“Great! I lost my last baby tooth yesterday!” She smiled as big as she could, showing a gap on the bottom row of her teeth. Billy leaned back, his face feigning something like disbelief.

“Nice! Did you put it under your pillow?” Her jaw dropped, eyes going wide.

“I FORGOT!” Riley was appalled as well, grabbing Madison’s hand.

“C’mon, you can put it under mine! The tooth fairy comes to my house too. Let’s go!” And they were running toward her room, Riley turning back to them for only a second. “Goodnight Dad! Goodnight Daddy! Love you!” Billy smiled after her.

“Love you too!” He echoed. Steve walked toward the hallway.

“Remember, you have to be asleep for the tooth fairy to come!” Steve called toward her door. When he saw it shut, he shrugged. “Well, Nancy’s going to owe me five bucks tomorrow.”

*

Midnight finally came, and Steve untangled himself from where he laid next to Billy on the couch. Steve pressed a kiss to the back of his hand and looked up into his eyes.

“I’m going to go check on the girls.” He stood and watched as Billy stretched out, shirt coming up to expose his stomach, a thin trail of hair leading down to his waistband. Steve could feel his mouth water before he tore himself away, making for the white door with the big green R painted on it. He pushed into the room and chuckled silently to himself when he saw the girls, arms everywhere and hair splayed over the pillows, Binx snoozing softly next to Riley’s head. He reached under Madison’s pillow, slipping the tooth out and sliding a five-dollar bill in its place. He snuck out of the room, leaving the door cracked just enough to allow Binx out if needed, and headed to the kitchen to put the tooth in a plastic bag.

While he was sneaking the baggie into his backpack sitting on the dining room table, he felt arms wrap around his middle. Billy’s voice was air rushing past his ear, making goosebumps rise on the back of his neck and a fire light in his belly.

“The girls asleep?” Steve smirked and turned his body toward Billy, lips coming to rest against his jawline.

“Like the dead.” Billy hummed in appreciation of the soft kisses Steve was leaving near his windpipe, hands reaching down to grab his ass, lifting him up, onto the wooden table. His face bent down, mouth finding Steve’s, hot and desperate. Steve’s arms were reaching the blonde hair, now falling loose over his shoulders. Billy’s hands were making work at the hem of Steve’s shirt, lifting it up over his head.

A hand came down to Billy’s chest, firmly stopping him from pulling at the waistband of Steve’s sweats.

“Let’s not do this here.” Billy nodded, panting. His fingers trailed down Steve’s chest, nails dragging against hot, needy skin.

“I need a shower.” Steve’s eyes were falling closed, the feeling of Billy’s hands making him crumble slowly. “Want to wash my hair?”

“Fuck yeah, I do.”

*

October 30, 1993 - Hawkins, IN

“Daddy, do you know where my Pacers sweater is?” Steve was standing at the stove, eggs sizzling in the pan, coffee brewing in the pot next to him. He was still only kind of awake, but Riley was frantically digging through the laundry basket on the table, bright-eyed and bushy tailed.

“I’m not sure, Riles. Did you check your closet?” He said around a yawn.

“And my drawers. It’s not here!”

“Maybe you left it in your Dad’s car?” She snapped and pointed at Steve.

“I did!” And she was running for the door. Always on the go, that one.

Steve heard the heavy footfall in the hallway that signaled Billy was awake. He mixed the cup of coffee quickly and held it out to his side, not even glancing when Billy slipped it out of his hand.

“Morning, sunshine.” Billy grunted to Steve in response, drinking the coffee before it was cool enough, not caring all the same. “How many eggs you want?”

“Three.” Steve looked at him then, waking a little more, only to admire him. Billy had no shirt on, sweats hanging low around his waist. His curls were everywhere, eyes barely open.

Riley strode toward them then, navy blue hoodie in hand, reaching for Billy.

“Here’s your keys dad.” She dropped them in his hand. Billy raised an eyebrow at Steve, who shrugged in response. “I’ll see you guys later!” Billy put a hand out in front of her.

“Where’s the fire, girl?” She wore a frustrated grimace.

“Nancy is here to pick up me and Maddie, I got to go!” She stood on her tiptoes and Billy bent his head down for her to place a small kiss on his cheek, then jogging over to Steve to do the same. “Bye, Daddy.”

When the front door shut, Billy looked to Steve.

“Where is our daughter going at nine in the morning on a Saturday?” Steve chuckled, plating the eggs.

“They’re going to El and Mike’s to help set up for the shower.” Billy scoffed as he moved over to the table.

“Who has a baby shower the day before Halloween?” He began devouring his eggs once Steve placed them in front of him. Steve paced himself slower, savoring the hot coffee in his hands.

“If they wait any longer they may not be able to have one before she pops.” Billy rolled his eyes and downed the rest of his coffee.

“Are we expected to attend?” His voice sounded of disdain. As domesticated as Billy was, baby showers weren’t really his forte.

“Nah, I don’t think so.” The blonde leaned against the kitchen counter, eyebrows wiggling at Steve.

“I’ve got you alone all day?” Steve laughed, walking over to the coffee pot to get another mug full.

“Jesus, didn’t you get enough of me last night?” Billy pressed his bare chest to Steve’s back, moving hair from his face, startling him.

“Never enough of you, pretty boy.”

*

Steve was feeling groggy, his day finally over, legs heavy as lead when he walked through the front door. He dropped his keys next to Billy’s, eyes scanning the living room for anyone. All he found was Binx, sitting on the back of the couch, pink tongue licking his paw.

“Hey buddy.” Steve reached over and picked up the cat, looking down into his yellow eyes. “Where is everyone?”

The house was dark, still as stone. The Halloween decorations him and Billy set up earlier in the day loomed, giving it an eerie atmosphere. Steve brushed it off and headed for the hallway, Binx in his arms. As he approached his bedroom, he heard the faint sounds of the television playing.

When he walked in, he could have dropped to his knees, smile spreading across his face. Riley and Billy laid on the bed, curled up together, sleeping soundly with small snores escaping. Billy’s arms were locked firmly around the small girl who had her hands tangled in his shirt, gripping it tightly. The blankets were haphazardly thrown around them, making a warm nest of quilt and pillows. The end of The Addams Family was playing on the television, credits starting to roll.

Steve heard a small meow from his hands, and he deposited Binx on the foot of the bed. He curled up, kneading the sheet gently with his claws by Billy’s feet.

After a few minutes to change, brush his teeth, and rinse the very long day off of his face, Steve crawled into bed next to them. He threw an arm over Riley, eliciting a louder snore out of Billy, feeling his breath on his own face. He tucked his daughter’s head under his chin, and shut his eyes.

Finding sleep wasn’t always easy for Steve, so he spent a lot of nights laying in bed searching for it, tossing and turning in the process.

But not tonight. Tonight, Steve faded into his dreams quickly to the smell of bubblegum shampoo and cherry Coke.

*

October 31, 1993 - Hawkins, IN

The house was buzzing with excitement, kids running around, people mingling in various rooms. Steve was looking for the extra plastic cups he bought from Melvald’s yesterday and where the fuck did he put them? The irritation was swelling, the people around him making his anxiety kick up. He huffed out a breath.

“You okay?” He turned to see Robin, prom dress on, red paint covering most of her body. He nodded his head and went back to his task, opening cabinets and drawers.

“Yeah, I just,” He slammed another cupboard, scratching his head under his sunglasses in frustration. “I can’t find the goddamn cups!” Robin took a step toward him, hand falling on his shoulder.

“Hey, take a breath.” He obeyed, finally taking a moment to appreciate her costume. He raised a brow.

“Carrie?” She smiled, putting her arms out and spinning slowly for full-effect.

“You like?” He nodded his head, snorting a laugh. “And who are you?” He looked down at his costume, which was easy to put together, given he dressed nearly the same way in high school.

“Max Dennison from Hocus Pocus.” She nodded in realization.

“And Riley is Dani?” He pointed at her.

“Bingo. Made the costume myself”

“Don’t they sell that costume at the store?”

He shrugged. “Yeah, but Riley said it was all wrong.”

She smiled and looked to the living room where Billy was standing, drink in hand while talking to Joyce, pieces of fake, rotting flesh on his gray painted face, dark, mussed up wig on his head. She raised an eyebrow.

“And Billy is…” She trailed off.

“Billy the Zombie.” Steve said matter-of-factly. She chuckled and looked back at him.

“Love it.” Her eyes glanced to Gina, her girlfriend of three years now, fondness in her eyes. “You know, we did pretty good, Harrington. After everything that happened at Starcourt, I really wasn’t sure, but,” She looked back at him. “I’m proud of us.” He beamed, reaching an arm around her shoulders.

“Me too, Robs.”

*

“Riley! Riley! Riley!” Everyone in the house was chanting, Nancy avidly staring at her wristwatch.

“Ten more seconds!”

“C’mon Riles! You got this!” Billy was cheering from the side of the bucket where Riley’s head was submerged, pulling apples out with her teeth and hoisting them into the bowl next to it. Steve counted eight so far, and for only having one minute, he was thoroughly impressed.

“Time!” Nancy called out and Riley’s head popped up, one last apple in her mouth, and the house roared in excitement. Steve grabbed her by the shoulders.

“You did it! You beat Hopper!” Jim was standing behind him, towel around his neck and fake disappointment on his face.

“She must have cheated.” Billy clapped him on the shoulder and laughed.

“Don’t be a sore loser, Dad. It’s not easy, beating an eight year old at bobbing for apples.”

Steve laughed and helped Riley dry her face. Her grin was 1000 watts of sugar, and her hair was dripping onto her dress.

“Daddy, did I do a good job?” He rubbed her hair between the soft towel.

“You were great, baby. I’m so proud!” She lunged at him, arms wrapping his neck in a grip that would strangle him if she wasn’t so small. Her voice was quiet in his ear.

“Thank you so much, Daddy. This is the best Halloween ever.” He squeezed her, shutting his eyes and feeling the lump forming in his throat. He pulled her back and looked at her, face bright and eyes lit with everything he never knew he needed in his life.

“Thank you, Riles. For everything.”

[aion-rsa]

Why The Jerky Boys Are Back After Two Decades Away

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The last time Johnny Brennan picked up a phone to make a prank call, Apple was a decade away from releasing the iPhone. Hell, “texting” was virtually nonexistent. After a nearly 25-year hiatus from recording original material, the comedian and co-creator of The Jerky Boys is making a comeback with a new self-titled record featuring his classic characters. 

Brennan’s return was in part inspired by a series of successful live shows over the past few years. The reverence fans showed for the crank call albums, including reciting back even the most obscure details from the recordings, convinced him it was time to dust off voice characters like Frank Rizzo, Sol Rosenberg, and Jack Tors. For years fans showed an appetite for new material. But the 59-year-old Brennan entered the studio again to make one person in particular laugh. 

“You gotta do it for yourself,” Brennan tells Den of Geek about his desire to revive The Jerky Boys. “You can’t force anything. The people are absolutely loving it. They’re saying, ‘Johnny, I can’t believe it. I can’t believe how awesome the characters just flowed right into 2020.’ It’s a good feeling.”

The Jerky Boys started in 1989 with Brennan and his childhood friend Kamal Ahmed. The comedic group released four records from 1993 to 1997, and two additional records (1999’s Stop Staring At Me and 2001’s The Jerky Tapes) from previously recorded material. Ahmed officially left The Jerky Boys in 2000. Though Brennan became the sole steward of the Jerky Boys brand, it sat mostly dormant through the 2010s as he continued his voiceover work as the recurring character Mort Goldman on Family Guy. 

The new record, titled The Jerky Boys, was released on Nov. 27 by Comedy Dynamics, a budding powerhouse in the comedy album business after earning all five Grammy nominations in the comedy category in 2019 (the company has 17 nominations and four wins overall). The landscape for releasing a record has changed in nearly every conceivable way since The Jerky Boys 4, and the release strategy for Brennan’s new set of calls reflects that. The album is available on Spotify and anywhere music can be streamed these days. Within a week of release, it hit No. 1 on the comedy charts on Apple Music and Amazon Music. 

What hasn’t changed is Brennan’s commitment to the bits. Sol Rosenberg is the album’s MVP; standouts include an unfortunate mishap with a stair climber and his side hustle teaching yoga with goats. Jack Tors is in the market for an aggressively large kettle drum to get groovy and out-of-sight with. Bridge-and-tunnel New Yorker Frank Rizzo is a little beat up from base jumping and needs leg braces on the album’s opening track and looking for pipe bombs on another. Surprising no one, Rizzo seems to live his life constantly on the precipice of an expletive-laced tirade. Rizzo is seen orbiting in space on the album’s cover, which was illustrated by artist Sean Taggart, who’s produced artwork for every Jerky Boys record.

We spoke to Brennan about why he decided to make a comeback, how a throwaway track became a fan-favorite and the title of a Radiohead album, and what the Jerky Boys means to fans in 2020.

DEN OF GEEK: What inspired the first new Jerky Boys record in almost 25 years?

Johnny Brennan: The best way I can put it to people is you got to feel it. I know the record company over the last two years probably lost their patience because I announced it at a nightclub. 

I’ve never done live shows before because I’m not a stand-up comedian. I said, “Fuck it.” I’d go out and do some live shows and get two or three hundred people in the room. It’s really nice because I can look at each person. I’ve done shows where there’s 5,000 people out in the audience. Actually, I did Woodstock where there were 500,000 people out there, but it’s nice when you do a small room because you get to make eye contact with pretty much everybody in the audience. 

I would see the people know every single word of every single skit because we’d play six, maybe seven, skits during the show. Then it’s a bunch of back and forth, fucking with each other. And the audience members, they have tons of things that they want to ask me.

I said, “You know what? Let me do it.” I made the announcement on my birthday, it was December 1st at a club called The Kingsland in Brooklyn. I just thought about the fans and I thought about how much they really enjoy it and love it. The truth is, I haven’t done anything new in almost 25 years. I’m talking where you sit down and you actually do brand new calls where there’s nothing in the can. So these are all brand spanking new calls and the response has been absolutely amazing. I couldn’t ask for more, to be honest with you.

We could spend hours talking about how comedy has changed and evolved in the last 25 years, but why do you think the prank phone call format just continues to endure?

It’s odd because I was never really into prank phone calls and the whole idea of doing prank phone calls. I was more into actual live pranks or fucking with people or doing things that are real, in real life. But either way, what happened with my stuff is just an amazing thing that occurred. Let’s put it this way, I don’t listen to my own stuff. I don’t watch or listen to prank phone calling and prank phone callers and who’s doing what. I don’t pay any attention to that. That’s a good question though.

When fans come up to you at shows what are some of their favorite characters and calls? 

Everybody’s got their own favorites. It’s literally thousands. Some people will come up to me and they’ll hit me with a line and I’ll have to be like, “Oh, shit.” It’s a little more obscure. It’s a little bit more like, “Oh, shit. I remember that, of course. Yes.” 

But everybody has their favorites, just something as simple as Jim. The word Jim, the name Jim. They add a B to it, so it’s Jimb. I even have a t-shirt that says Jimb. Just something as simple as one name. The reason is because I spent a lot of time in the studio trying to get that B out of there because he said his last name and I don’t remember what it was but it began with a B, so I couldn’t get rid of the B so I just thought it was funny. I said, “Fuck it. Leave it.” So now, whenever people say, “Is Jim around?” They say, “Is Jimb around?”

You know what the most amazing thing is? I just did the new record and Rolling Stone teased people with a couple skits, and people are hitting me with catch phrases already from a brand new skit. It’s the most fascinating feeling.

What was it like sitting down and doing these calls in the studio all these years later? Did it take a few calls to get it to where you wanted it to be?

I intentionally said, “I’m not going to overthink this whole fucking thing because that’s when you get into trouble.” I’m going to put my mind in a setting, the same setting that it was in many moons ago, before the bootleg even hit the street, where I was just doing this for me. 

If I sit down and do an auto mechanic or if I sit down and talk about selling cars, I’m doing it for me. I’m going to relax. I’m just going to let the phone ring or make the phone calls and just let the characters flow as it happens. That’s how I did it.

The way albums are released and promoted has changed dramatically since the last Jerky Boys record. What are you expecting in terms of how fans will engage with the material this time around? 

I have to be honest, I’ve been out of the loop so long. I don’t even know how they do this today. I heard something about vinyl and Spotify and all this tons of stuff, but like I said, back in the day you used to get CDs and cassette tapes. Now today, I don’t really know how they do it, to be honest with you. It’s all out everywhere you can possibly get it. The more, the merrier, which is so interesting. It’s such a different dynamic.

On the new record, is there a standout track you think people are going to really gravitate toward?

The interviews that I’ve been doing, each of them has said, “Johnny, oh my god, I love this skit.” And they would give me one of the skits. I would say, “That’s so cool,” because it reminds me of many years ago. 

For example, “Pablo Honey.”I didn’t put that on my first record because I didn’t think it had legs. A few people said to me, “John, I’m telling you, you should start off the second record. I’m telling you, ‘Pablo Honey’ is just killer.” I said, “It’s killer?” I said, “I kind of dig it, but…” And how wrong I was. I put it on my second record and it instantly became one of the all-time favorite skits. People to this day go nuts for “Pablo Honey.” All I’m doing is just telling Pablo to come down to Florida and [ask] if he is washing his ass, keeping his ass clean.

I got a call at my mom’s place years and years ago from a group of guys that were at the record label. They were asking, “Hey, Johnny, do you mind? Would it be okay if we used your track ‘Pablo Honey’ to name our debut album in America?” I said, “Absolutely. Have at it. Go ahead.” Little did I know that this was a band called Radiohead. Next thing you know, they charge me up the charts and it’s The Jerky Boys No. 1 in Billboard Magazine and Radiohead No. 2, with Pablo Honey.

That’s incredible. On this new record, which characters aged the best for 2020?

They’re all in perfect shape. It’s so funny. They all just roll right into everything that’s going on. Don’t forget, I’ve been obviously around for the last 20 years on Family Guy and doing little bits of whatnot here and there with my Jerky Boys characters as well, commercials and things like that. That’s why it’s so unique with this whole new album kind of deal. It’s nice to get fired up about it.

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Of the previous CDs, which one do you feel is the pinnacle of The Jerky Boys?

They’re all like children. They’re all like babies. Jerky Boys 1 people were just completely mesmerized, blown away. Jerky Boys 2, same thing. Jerky Boys 2, that was pressure because they say in the record business, “It’s almost impossible to follow up.” But in my case, I was able to pull it off. Jerky Boys 2 is just incredible. Then you look at Jerky Boys 3. Jerky Boys 3 has so much incredible work and the album cover is the whole King Kong theme and I introduce five new characters on Jerky Boys 3. So, I can’t really pick one and say, “Oh, my god.” They’re all literally like your kids.

The post Why The Jerky Boys Are Back After Two Decades Away appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[sailor-arashi]

Anime suggestions?

Asking a 42 year old lifelong anime dork for anime suggestions!?

Sorry that it’s taken me a little bit to address this.  In the absence of specifics I decided to provide a recommendation of my old favorites as opposed to new releases.  Of course then I realized I could write entire essays on each of my old favorites as a recommendation and started thinking about how to make a post like that.  Then I decided to provide short recommendations for most of the old favorites and save the hard-sell for a single great freaking show.  This in turn led me to end up re-watching large parts of said show because it’s just that freaking great.   Also, if anyone reading this wants lengthy essays on why I love a certain series, ask away and I’ll write one up if I’m feeling productive one day!

Anyway!

If you’re looking for recently-aired stuff, you can go through my GIF tag to see what I’ve been watching for the past few seasons.  Chances are if I’m making GIFs of something I also recommend watching it.   The only recent show that I’d mention specifically as deserving more attention than it received is Made In Abyss.  It’s a great little show.  It’s also really dark, despite the cutesy character designs, so don’t be fooled.  Also, if body horror is a trigger, stay the fuck away.  The Abyss does bad bad things to people.   Anyway, on to the old stuff ;)

Macross SeriesMacross is my all-time favorite ongoing setting.  It’s one of the great pillars of the Real Robot genre.  It’s stands apart from its peers by focusing more on the human side of conflicts, having an actual nuanced take on the role of the military, and just being very hopeful in general.    There are several separate series that I recommend, thus I am grouping them together.

The Super-Dimension Fortress Macross (1982):  The original.  A true classic of anime.  The animation is terribly dated at this point, but the story still holds up.  Every time I remember that I first watched this within a year or two of it airing, I feel really old.

Do You Remember Love? (1984):  A stunningly-animated movie version of the TV series.  The story is slightly different, but close enough if you don’t want to put in the time to watch the TV series but want a better frame of reference on the sequels.  It’s also one of the most technically impressive hand-animated movies put to film, so it’s worth a look.

Macross Plus (1994):  Four episode OVA series set 30 years after the original.  The focus is on the reunion of three former friends rather than the overarching events of the setting, so it can easily be watched without knowing anything about Macross.  It’s also widely regarded as one of the best OVA series ever made.  It launched the career of Yoko Kanno, among others.

Macross Frontier (2007):  Takes place 47 years after the original on board one of Earth’s many outbound colony fleets.  Like Macross Plus, the cast is original to the series, and the first 8 or so episodes begin with summaries of the history of the Macross setting, so it can be watched without watching the others…though you’ll miss a lot of references and a bit of the story nuance, but not enough to be unenjoyable. 

Moving on from Macross!

Azumanga Daioh (2002):  The original slice-of-life show.   Cute girls doing cute things.  You will cry when they graduate.  Watch it.

Nadia of the Mysterious Seas (1990):  High adventure in the 1800s!  Very very loosely based on 2000 Leagues Under The Sea.  This is the series that put Gainax on the map.  It also has one of my favorite openings ever.

Aim For the Top!  Gunbuster! (1988):  While we’re talking about the glories of 80s-90s Gainax, let’s drop in on Gunbuster.  A surprisingly-deep take on the Super Robot genre, featuring the most hot-blooded female pilots you’ll find anywhere, which is a huge selling point.   If you ever wonder why Evangelion took off so quickly, it’s because it was sold to us as a TV series “by the people who did Gunbuster!”   

Marmalade Boy (1994):  For years this was my ‘warm blanket and dark chocolate’ anime.  Whenever I was feeling down for reasons hormonal or otherwise I’d just start watching randomly from one of the 76 episodes.  It’s just an animated soap opera.  The main character, Miki, is stunned when her parents come back from a vacation and announce that they’re swapping partners with a couple they met in Hawaii.  They all move into the same house together, and Miki meets the other couple’s son Yuu.  Hijinks ensue.  Nearly every episode ends on a cliffhanger or stunning revelation.  It oozes melodrama from every frame of animation.

EDIT:  I just walked out into the living room and told the wife what I was doing and mentioned that I recommended Marmalade Boy.  Her response:  “RUN MIKI!  RUN FROM YOUR PROBLEMS!” and now I can’t stop laughing, because that’s exactly Miki’s response to everything bad that happens to her.

(I appear to be drifting closer to writing essays for them all, I’ll just add a couple more and move on)

Yamato 2199 (2012):  A bit of a cheat, as this is fairly recent, but it’s a direct remake of the original 1970′s series that I watched as a kid…and it’s frankly better than the original.  

Please Save My Earth (1993):  Six-episode OVA series that covers the first half of the manga series by the same name.  A girl named Alice begins having dreams of living in a hidden base on the moon.  She encounters several other people who are dreaming the same thing.  I used to hate one of the characters for what he did.  Then I understood but still couldn’t forgive it.  Finally, now, I think I can forgive him.  It’s a series that makes you feel very strongly, but to explain is to spoil.  One of Yoko Kanno’s first series as a composer.

His and Her Circumstances (1998):   A romance buds between two people who hide their true selves behind a mask of normalcy.  Will they still like each other once those masks are stripped away?  A compelling romantic comedy from Gainax, and also one of the codifiers of the Gainax Ending, so the show kinda goes to shit in the second half, with three recap episodes and the animation devolving into stick figures, but the main plot is resolved long before then and despite all of this it remains a truly incredible series.

Okay, so, now we come to it.  The hard sell.

If there is anything at all in this post that you watch, you absolutely MUST WATCH

GIANT ROBO:  THE ANIMATIONThe Day The Earth Stood Still (1992)

I cannot possibly summarize the plot better than its own intro, so watch this:

The entire show is like that!  Breathless exposition!  Dashing heroics!  Fearful villainy!  And the entire thing done in a retro-60′s design aesthetic as an homage to the original creator of all the characters within, Mitsuteru Yokoyama.  Top it off with a literally operatic soundtrack and you have the recipe for…well…maybe that’s hard to say?  Why am I recommending a series about a kid who controls a giant robotic pharaoh? 

The show looks absolutely ludicrous, and in many ways it is.  The characters are over the top in a very old-school sort of way.  You’ve got your obvious good guys, literally called the EXPERTS OF JUSTICE.  You’ve got your obvious bad guys who constantly pledge themselves to the service of a guy named BIG FIRE.  The heroes protect the new utopia that the world has become with the invention of a perfect power source.  The bad guys seek to destroy that utopia and crush humanity beneath their heel.  It’s all so cut-and-dry.  Even the characterization of some of the villains as “noble monsters” and some of the heroes as “ends justifies the means” loose cannons doesn’t really give it much depth.

At first.

The show very quickly disabuses you of that notion as it delves into what it actually took to carve out a utopian existence from a humanity that is so frequently opposed to any such thing.  It examines the motivations of the villains and finds them valid.  It examines the motivations of the heroes and finds them wanting.  It provides two questions that drive the emotional arc of the story and demands that the characters, and you the viewer, answer them.

Can happiness be achieved without sacrifice?

Can a new era be reached without misfortune?

As the sins of the past rise up to destroy the hope of the future, somehow the giant robot pharaoh stops seeming so ridiculous.  The fact that everything looks like 1960′s guy-in-monster-suit action cinema only serves to contrast the actual depth of the characters and the series as a whole.  To say more is to spoil, so I’ll not go into detailed analysis.  Suffice it to say:  The show looks silly, yet is really quite serious.

It also has one of the best finales of all time.  I watched this series as it was released, and there was a three year wait between episode six and episode seven, and I can honestly say it was worth every second.  Re-watching it just a few hours ago, my cheeks were wet with tears and stretched in a big grin at the same time.  It’s probably the most satisfying end to a series I’ve seen. 

So, there you have it.  A whole bunch of old anime to watch.  (WATCH GIANT ROBO)

If anyone reading this actually watches something based on my recommendation and enjoys it, please let me know.  It’s always great to hear that a recommendation was well-received.

[crossedbeams]

ROSE REVIEWS… THE X-FILES - S1.E8:  ICE

<< 1.6 The Ghost in the Machine ————————— 1.9 Space >>

What a week it has been! What a month in fact (because that’s how long ago I started this recap). Ice is one of my favourite early episodes which explains why this is longer than the combined beards of ZZ Top. Someone teach me self control? Please?

Go under the cut at your own peril, here there be worms.

The Plot

Some dudes playing with ice have gone radio silent and left a creepy message, Mulder and Scully get sent up to investigate with a ragtag team of socially inept scientists and then cut off by bad weather with some seriously suspect wormlike organisms, and more sexual tension than you can shake an oversized drillbit at.

My Stream of Semi-Consciousness

YAY! ICE!

I’m glad they start out with the dog just nommin on something spilled instead of one of the dead people. It makes it easier to root for him later which is good coz it’s a cute dog. Apparently it’s also Blue’s dad!

Then there’s what appears to be a disembodied limb in a box. Why I have no idea. but I am soon distracted by the entry of this dude who appears to have been scorched, stripped and then attacked in an incredibly symmetrical fashion by a pair of clawed ketchup bottles.

Like c'mon prop monkeys! Blood is NOT that colour and when did you last see someone with matching pectoral wounds (given it’s not sex related… probably). Also now I’ve been looking at it for too long and I feel like he has one nipple that is significantly bigger than the other and I’m having trouble moving past it.

And WHY is he shirtless. At what point in the whole fighting to the death in the ARCTIC was he like… wait mate… I need to take off this shirt off because #aesthetic.

Though to be fair I probably would.

Aaaaanyway

His radio makes more noises than the tardis.

We’re not who we are. Okay. We get it. But on a serious note do they ever actually discuss why he says this. Because I feel like grammatically it’s questionable and the space worms seem more into murdering each other than making dramatic speeches.

His assailant looks very heeeeere’s jack" and is wearing a shirt. I’m rooting  for him until they get into the worst duel ever. Don’t put your guns so close. This whole bit tbh. The worms seem to have very complicated motivations and choreography, Maybe they’re abstract prehistoric space worms. Am I making sense. I don’t think I’m making sense.

It’s okay though I can compose myself during the CREDITS.

This video from the dead science dudes is the dorkiest thing I have ever seen. There are quilted body warmers, pasted on smiles and overenthusiastic high fives. You can see why these guys are extras and not the series stars. But at least they were all having fun before they brutally killed one another.

Mulder and Scully are watching this video in a room with both a blackboard and a window. Where are they? Is the basement being cleaned? Is this Scully’s office? If so why does she have so many damn tables!

Why do people insist on digging into old ice/trenches/under the sea. It always ends badly. EVERY DAMN TIME. Cthulu is down there people. Or godzilla or some shit. Just leave it alone and make nachos. Much better.

Not to be pedantic (okay who am I kidding) but pretty sure the background here doesn’t match what was behind him in the scene.

It’s only 1993 goddamn and Gillian Anderson is already learning how to ruin us all with her exquisite face. We were all screwed from the first time someone pointed a camera at her. All her tiny facial nuances remind me of the queens of old Hollywood and the things they could do with a quirk of the lip.

Then Mulder squats down and grins at her and though he’s basically implying they’re being sent as sacrificial lambs he doesn’t seem too sad about the concept of being trapped in an igloo full of corpses with his partner. He goes from amused to gleeful when he tells his teeny partner to bring her mittens and I’m thinking Scully seems excessively perturbed at this stage… is she having a moment of forboding? Or does she just really hate Alaska? I mean this is pre Palin so there’s no good reason to be quite so down on it…

And heeeeere’s Denny

Not content with really loving rocks (geologist) and being called Denny he also likes to do this in public places.

Denny is not getting any.

I do miss cassettes though.

Enter small winterwear troll AKA Dana Scully in a jacket so big she may be wider than she is tall. Mulder in contrast appears to be wearing jammies, jeans and a jacket, which are - incidentally - my three style essentials. Well those three and a resting bitch face.

Mulder makes awkward chat about San Diego while Scully pulls a face like she didn’t used to live there and then the other scientists arrive and they engage in a charade worth of the Chuckle Brothers with IDs, “It’s me! It’s You!” Mulder even checks Scully in case, one assumes, somebody else was hiding in her coat and has leaped out to replace her since he introduced her to Denny less than 30 seconds ago. Possibly he just uses it as an opportunity to sniff her. He’s only human and I would… I also feel like at this point  the writers were overly concerned with linking back to “we’re not who we are” from earlier. Every single combination of the words “we”, “who”  and “are” is well and truly thrust in. And we’re only at 7.12.

Also hello Felicity Huffman.

“Two federal agents, a geologist, a medical doctor and a toxicologist” sounds like the beginning of the worst walked into a bar joke ever. It would have some incredibly scientific punchline probably involving the word ampule. I’d try and write it but… we I can’t be bothered!

Everyone is so weird and cagey. The script must have been full of side-eye instructions. A word to the wise - if you’re ever asked to go on a business trip where people are behaving like this, don’t go. It’s the start of a horror film and you will die.

Especially if someone else there is called Bear.

Bear could be Steven Tyler’s brother. Or maybe they just have the same surgeon. His car is the only car in the universe dirtier than mine.

And after Scully standing weirdly close to Huffman (I forget her character name) for way too long (like seriously? SO strange), Mulder trying to reassert his Scully monopoly with some unnecessary touching (DRINK!) we see some stock footage which can only mean we’re up, up and away.

Icy Point and the power’s off. Of course. Do they ever investigate why the second they arrive anywhere the lights stop working? That’s a damn X-File.

For guys who blew their on brains out these dudes are artfully arranged. And pretty sure one of them is tensing. You’re dead man. Nobody cares about your abs anymore.

Scully says ‘flashing’.  She means the camera. Epileptics on set can thank her but I can’t help being disappointed. Imagine if she meant her boobs…

Mulder comforts Felicity Huffman with his intimate knowledge of arctic research generator noises. Who knew Oxford university offered so many eclectic courses. Unfortunately they didn’t offer one in dog combat because Mulder goes down. Pretty sure Huffman falls over too but only out of shock or being knocked off balance by her coat.

Poor Bear is bleeding ketchup so we know he’s fucked. It’s fine though, Scully is a medical doctor and she finds some super gross disease beans in the doggo’s armpit which means she will also save the day. Standard.

Worm under skin, WORM UNDER SKIN! Ths grosses me out every time so drink every time we see unnecessary subdermal wriggling. *drinks*

Scully has completed five autopsies before anyone else has done more than get their coat off and get infected with a space worm, but ruins the effect by brandishing a used and  uncovered needle with gusto whilst doing her jargon spiel. She may just be trying work out how to rescue her hair from it’s current anti-gravity state, her fringe is levitating at a sweet 120 degrees from her forehead which has got to be upsetting when you’re as put together as Scully is. Regardless,  

Mulder seems unperturbed but may just be distracted by Bear wigging out about his own personal armpit beans.

There are some high quality knitwear/ winter neutrals going on in this episode. Maybe they were sponsored by fruits of the loom or some shit.

Mulder and Denny get all excited about satellite pics, apparently Mulder’s interpreting skills around some sort of bizarre geological scanning are rusty. TRY NON-EXISTENT MULDER. YOU DON’T KNOW SCHIST ABOUT GEOLOGY! Sorry. For the pun and the yelling. But seriously. If I made a list of all the things Mulder and Scully know that they shouldn’t…

DINOSPERM! Dinosperm. Does whatever a dinosperm does.

The second Mr Bodywarmer (I can never remember anyone’s names so tis is what I’m calling him) disses Scully’s autopsy skills you know that Mulder’s gonna disagree with him. Contagion be damned, suggesting Sculy has missed something is a no no - even in Season 1 - and especially when she’s pouting like this.

Oh no! Mulder says they have to stay (my favourite trope), Scully pulls the doctor card to seal the deal and now there is no way they’re not having arctic sex right? Everyone gets some… well except Denny who kills the mood by opening up way too easily about his bowel movements. Poor Denny. High school can’t have been easy for you.

But it’s fine because Bear flips his shit, or more specifically flips out about a shit, and everyone has other things to worry about. After some arctic democracy which really draws a solid line between Mulder/Scully and Huffman/MrBodywarmer (in case you’d missed all the other clues) and emphasises the disposability of poor Denny, they pull a gun and shit gets real.

Down goes Mulder!

Down goes Scully!

Turns out big man Bear is no match for Macho Moose and Flying Squirrel. The others prove once again to be utterly useless, standing about and watching. Honestly, given how much Mulds and Sculls know about other science they should absolutely not know, the the rest of the cast seem kinda superfluous other than as human coathangers for knitted beige monstrosities.

WORM UNDER FLESH, DRINK.

Impromptu surgery always makes me squeamish so lets not talk about this. Suffice to say its gory and ends poorly for Bear. RIP buddy, you were kinda a douche and your hat was stupid but nobody likes a neck worm.

Just keep drinking till it’s over.

The woman on the radio is semi-peppy given she’s just told them they’re stuck. Maybe she’s drinking whatever Sarah Palin is on.

Sculy’s OCD hand washing is adorable and I want to pet her. And the others are all still just standing there though now with a corpse centrepiece. React people! Do something!

Top quality CGI right here! Wormeo is looking fine and definitely three dimensional.

The worm theory is all very plausible, except that the last bit makes no sense. The worm doesn’t want to kill it’s host, just the hosts with its pals in… so what is the worm’s end game? Last worm standing? Any thoughts?

I am all about the aesthetic of this next scene The half light the corrugated metal with shadows and the height difference all in silhouette. It’s even added to by Mulder’s signature monotone rant. But the problem is, I’m so MSR thirsty that when this happens…

I just want them to throw down and get it on on the floor. KISS! NOW! Corpses be damned. See, This is what this show has done to me. I used to have standards.

Denny is not down with all the tension so he retreats to baseball while Huffman and Bodywarmer, who bicker like Mulder and Scully but lack ANY sort of chemistry (this is the show we might have gotten if the Gillian/David alchemy  hadn’t happened) conspire like a pair of whiner babies. Bodywarmer is as paranoid as Muder, but he’s also an assclown.

Then Mulder and Scully take their coats off in a dramatic way and once again my mind is in the gutter. Which is actually appropriate as it’s naked spot check time and things are about to get a little homoerotic. Pretty sure Mulder lost some sort of bet when Scully was the one to suggest a naked group activity. Also pretty sure he was disappointed that it was just another spot check and that he wasn’t invited.

Leaving this here for science.

There are multiple documentations of the exceptionally sapphic encounter between Scully and Huffman, whoever decided to light them in red while the dudes got to strip off in a normally lit room was certainly only aided by the fact that Scully's jabby doctor hands from later series have not yet developed. 

My main takeaway other than this being basically the only scene in which Huffman doesn't irritate me (and I think I quite liked her in DH though I can't remember a damn thing that happened on that show), is that Gillian Anderson has more chemistry in a fraction of her lower lip than most people have in their whole body. I mean seriously: authority, vulnerability, comfort and a little sex all in one move. This little thing? 

She would probably have chemistry with a rock if she needed to. How is it so effective? How does one scene that lasts less than a minute have more relationship in it than all of Huffman and Bodywarmer's interactions combined? How is the entire world not worshipping at her tiny feet?

And the award for least comforting bedtime sendoff goes to Mulder, for both bringing up bugs biting (as if they're not already freaking over dinosperms getting all up in their spines) and then shooting down Scully's attempt to normalise things. "The spots on the dog went away". Really? She's lingering outside her room, and instead of being nice, or comforting, or taking her mind off things with some vigorous shagging you give her puppy eyes  and a shortcut to nightmare town?

Go to bed and think about what you've done Mulder. Leave Scully alone with your comforting words, ominous lighting and a dead man's half naked lady posters. 

Cue montage of nobody coping in different ways with Mark Snow blinky-blonkiness to up the tension.

As a an unapologetic Scully fangirl I do sometimes forget that at this stage, Duchovny was very much the star and focus. Scenes like this remind me, where we watch him get dressed (I am fine with lots of shirtless Mulder), wander about, do reacting, hang out a little with this cabinet that definitely looks like it has a face and could just have eaten Denny on it's own...

Anyway my point was that as much as Gillybean is growing as an actor and making herself felt in the episodes, studio intentions be damned, this is all DD, prowling about with drama and he does it well. Also you can see his nipples through his shirt. Clearly my priorities are straight. Well... mostly.

That said. Mulder is an idiot. When a cabinet is bleeding, what sensible person opens it while squatting in front of the spot where clearly a corpse is going to fall out. He didn't learn that brand of idiocy at the VCU.

Speaking of Scully asserting herself, Bodywarmer (I think his name is Hodge?) and Mulder get in to a sweaty macho shout off and teeny Sculls gets in the midde. Huffman just kinda floats about.

And we have a series first! Mulder and Scully hold each other at gunpoint! Loud noises! Angst! Betrayal! Delivery of the episodes motto which STILL makes no sense."You may not be who you are?"" Well no he is him, he just might have a worm in his brain But points for consistency. Shame it doesn't apply to the series overall plot arc!

Anyway, in the end it's fine because Mulder relents when it becomes exceptionally clear that for all that she's smol and mostly calm, Scully will shoot his ass, though she'll feel a bit bad about it. At this realisation Mulder goes full puppy and lets his owner put him in a pen. But he doesn't get shot. Yet. Little he knows...

So Mulder gets shut away. It's totes emosh. Like Celine Dion backing track emosh. Mark Snow step aside because this bish has spare time and windows moviemaker...

Moving on...

Pretty sure that fluffy!Scully striding in a plaid shirt with a gun is my spirit animal.

It's super convenient that both members of team non-MSR are sleeping in ridiculously uncomfortable positions, despite the recent excitement, so Scully can be forced to surrender her weapon. But hey - we only have 10 mins left and the plot must go on.

Bodywarmer decides the time has come for him to be alpha male but unfortunately, everyone still hates him, Scully doesn't want in on his shitty duet, especially when it's clear that he'd toss his partner in a second. Huffman finally grows enough balls to suggest Scully might have a point about not turning on each other and looking for treatment but his ego is out of control.

I really wish Bodywarmer had gotten eaten instead of Denny, Denny and Huffman could have been useless fuzzballs together and the only thing I ship Bodywarmer with is my booted foot making hard contact with his testicles after his misogynistic asshole moves in the lab. I'm starting to understand why Huffman has no personality. Scully starts to realise she got preeeety lucky that Mulder's just an alien obsessed puppy and not an utter fuckboy, before snapping back in to science mode for wormageddon.

I'm gonna take a moment here to shout out Lila (@startwreck for the following graphic). Theses two animated worms even have more tension than Bodywarmer and Huffman. So when we did the group rewatch we may have turned it into a fix that the worms were in love...

Me and the space worms have one thing in common. We do not like company.

WORM IN DOGGY EAR! DRINK!

Not sure how a stethoscope would prove the worms inside the dog were dead but I'm not a medical doctor. Either way, Mr Woofty is okay and lets be honest, aside from Mulder and Scully he's the only one I care about at this stage.

Tfw bae may have a brain worm but you wanna be sure and one of your companions is an asshole and the other one is actually the neck worm's host.

Poor Mulder isn't even allowed to accustom his poor little molerat eyes to the light before having to defend himself. Which got me thinking... the light switch is inside the room. We saw him turn it on earlier. So he's sitting in the dark of his own choice, just to make himself more tragic. Precious baby.

This face could have been avoided.

This scene though, this could not, There is now a section in the FBI handbook called, "Protocol for the investigation of possible parasitic space worms", this inspection is the example of how not to do it. Ably assisted by D'Angelo and my amazing video skills once again I give you - "this would be sexual harassment if they weren't both so into it - so don't try this in the workplace kids"

Scully comes out with Mulder in tow like the kid who came home from school with a friend who wasn't invited. "Mom I know you said no but look at him". After a quick round of, my partner is less infected than your partner, they get ambushed, Scully makes the squeakiest squeak of a no that is still audible to the human ear and finds herself in the sex cupboard.

Commence a struggle scene worthy of You've Been Framed, drink for Huffman's neck worms and also for this face.

In her struggle to escape a worming, Huffman pauses long enough to through some vials off a freezer shelf, that she has to open. Before she goes for the gun. Logical. And then they all have sex on the floor. I mean seriously. 

But it's all good coz she gets to gnaw on Mulder's pec while the worms do battle royale in her pituitary gland and everyone makes it. Well except Bear and Denny. Huzzah! Scully gives Huffman (whose name I have just discovered is Silver or Da Silva which I'm sure I knew when I started this but honestly that was weeks ago so...) a celebratory belly rub. 

I'd take it.

They finally escape, and Mulder of course wants another round trip to hell but hell has been torched. Scully does a good job of looking sympathetic in front of Bodywarmer, but as soon as they're alone she tells Mulder how she really feels. To paraphrase, no, she doesn't want to play with ice worms of death any more and yes she would rather be in Aruba. But she does wait for him. Maybe so they can finish what they started in the sex cupboard in the SUV. 

I hope,

And so it ends..

Quick Score (Full Deets in the top pic)

Story: Original, bold and pacy - 9/10

Mulder: Broody, ballsy, sexy - 8/10

Scully: Smart, sceptic foil to the crazy - 8/10

UST: The first suspense episode, creepy original goodness 5/5

Other Cast: Solid ensemble of misfits delivers - 8/10

Bonus Points: Hot damn sexy moments, extra gazing, partner doubting, memorable, my fave 5/5

TOTAL - 42/50 - Grade A and new topspot sitter!

Join us next time for more ridiculously overthought brain farts

<< Previous Episode || Next Episode >>

[sleepymarmot]

DS9 season 4 liveblog

[Season index: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 PS]

The Way of the Warrior

they changed the music! I liked the original arrangement better. I guess they decided that if they have to change the opening titles, better redo them from scratch?

I love how the Klingon general dramatically cuts his hand. It's like looking at the origins of an ancient ritual which real and very important meaning has long been forgotten. Tbh I thought the crew would do the same in the previous episode, but they went for the less dramatic blood tests :D

How was the Obsidian Order destroyed? The Dominion destroyed the fleet that the Order wasn't even supposed to have. What about all of their normal agents, infrastructure, gathered intelligence? 

"Not like you? Impossible" (note: as I prepare to publish this post, having just finished season 5, it seems this line was the last time they ever shared a flirty moment... rip garashir 1993-1995)

finally!

please stop reminding me about that awful movie thanks

Poor Worf is so awkward as usual

"And I find you offensive. Now hold up your arm, or I'll have the security do it for you"

"Captain Sisko bet me that you would thank him for the rescue before you started complaining." "I lost."

The Visitor

I have a hard time becoming invested in stories like this, when I know that the entire timeline would be undone by the end. The final scene did manage to make me tear up a bit, but overall I'm not impressed. At least it's not outright terrible like The Inner Light...

Hippocratic Oath

Wait, did Bashir get promoted between seasons?

I don't think that joke about Keiko was very good :\ But this is the second time Miles comes really close to confessing his love for Julian... what's up with that

seriously, why does the new theme have such a messy rhythm? it's as if the beat is out of sync with the melody

Odo is such an unusual security officer, of course there's conflict between him and Worf. I'm glad they're addressing this!

of course O'Brien does a transporter trick

oh come oooon O'Brien do you really need to be such a jerk this week

Sisko is nicer to Worf than I expected

the last scene between Bashir and O'Brien is very poignant

Indiscretion

The runabout scene with Kira and Dukat is unsettling because this rhetoric is too real...

The Worst Field Trip(tm)

Julian & Jadzia's Judging Corner: priceless

honestly the absolute last thing i expected was for Dukat's butt to get so much attention...

Ziyal looks much younger than someone who was 13yo six years ago

halfway through the episode I thought Ziyal would be that Cardassian girl from season 2, I mean there was a reason for that scene, right? right?

great episode

Rejoined

Oh, Dax got promoted too

Trill society sounds dumber and dumber with each episode

Kahn is so beautiful, charming and well-dressed. damn

how did my mom manage to walk into the room just as they kissed? is that a special parent talent

;_;

"your work produced the first artificially created wormhole in history" not counting, you know, THE wormhole

welp. a romance episode finally made me cry :(

Starship Down

Wait, is the alien played by Odo's actor? 

this is like a really boring version of "Disaster"...

Dax knows Bashir now better than a year ago? He hasn't changed much over the past year, the difference is rather between seasons 1-2 and later ones, plus they seemed pretty good friends in season 1 already, not like "she was avoiding him" -- in fact, I thought she was his only friend at the time. Their body language is cute as hell though.

Damn, I could hardly keep track of the plot in this one... or why the characters were saying what they were saying... how dull

you know what was the selling point of The Disaster? characters in unusual combinations and roles! I see none of this here...

Little Green Men

ew using someone else's tooth sharpener

omg Odo! :D

what, Klingons and Vulcans didn't have warp drive by 20th century?

The Sword of Kahless

what, this was the little boy we saw in TNG? Klingon children sure grow fast...

is this sword telepathically infected or something?

So, when Worf was acting OOC he wasn't under outside influence? okay... I enjoyed this episode, but under the assumption that Worf's dishonorable actions would be explained

Our Man Bashir

Bashir's taste is about as lame as Picard's...

"I think I joined the wrong intelligence service"

"This is more than I ever wanted to know about your fantasy life" same tbh... it's enough to remember these gross tropes exist somewhere out there, I don't need them in Star Trek reenacted by my faves

This just made me remember how much I dislike James Bond... We just had a cheesy 20th century pastiche two episodes ago, but at least I don't have anything against that genre. Not to judge what people do behind the holosuite's closed doors, but it's pretty offputting to see a 24 century man so enamored with this sexist fiction. And I have pretty much the same reaction to kisses with not-Kira and not-Dax as in the Mirror Universe episode, though to a lesser degree; that was pretty gross and exploitative. It's as if someone decided that the show wasn't straight enough after Rejoined and decided to compensate...

Also I think this was the first time ever that Bashir wasn't happy to see Garak. It feels strange and sad...

I expected Garak to spend all episode making fun of silly tropes, but the little he said was pretty weak. Though I liked the confrontation in the end and the way Bashir repeated Garak's speech.

And I don't think they even took advantage of the J. B. initials. Come on! :D

Homefront

"I prefer Klingon beliefs. Our gods are dead. Ancient Klingon warriors slew them a millennia ago. They were more trouble than they were worth." I think I prefer Klingon beliefs too...

Why did Sisko put on TNG-type uniform?

Is that Leah Brahms?

Very relevant story about security vs civil rights, and it's very fitting for Odo to be here -- not just because of the plot. I really like the thematic unity between the changeling storyline and Odo's personal issues as a character.

Come on, it's so easy to deprive the entire planet of power?

Paradise Lost

This title is very ominous...

Cadet Shepard haha

I think I've heard this boast... "We have five million Cybermen. How many are you?" "Four." "You would destroy the Cybermen with four Daleks?" "We would destroy the Cybermen with one Dalek!"

So, Earth and DS9 can communicate in real time? But in the previous episode, DS9 "received a recording of a high level diplomatic conference that took place on Earth a few days ago". I assumed the delay was due to the distance, but apparently not -- was the recording just classified before someone decided to send it to Sisko?

Wait, what President's speech? Did I miss something?

I liked the first part better. So, the changeling terrorist attack on the same week was just a coincidence? Everyone seemed to forget about that...

Crossfire

Odo/Kira scene is cute instead of irritating for once

"You could hear that?" "*points to lobes* Hello?"

"I have reason to believe someone is planning to assassinate First Minister Shakaar" and by someone you mean Winn?

Odo and Worf discussing security and order! 

are they replacing Odo/Kira/Bareil with Odo/Kira/Shakaar? How many nice but bland Bajoran dudes can be in love with her?

"Frankly, I don't care whether you and Major Kira end up living happily ever after or not. I just want to see the situation resolved" same

ok, I get it, falling in love makes you very upset, bad at your job, and is sad and frustrating to watch on tv screen. nothing new here

Return to Grace

"Is that what you kept track of during the occupation? No wonder you lost"

"It bothers him, you know. Very much. He talks about it sometimes" crocodile tears... literally

some men just won't take a hint...

wait, since it was previously mentioned that Cardassian flirting is bickering, does Dukat genuinely misinterpret Kira and think he's got a chance here??

so much for keeping Klingon secrets from the Cardassians...

There's something about this dynamic I really appreciate, but I can't yet articulate it. The way Kira confidently and unflinchingly deflects all the bullshit he sends her way? How she is allowed to be right in her unforgiving stance? That being civil and working together with someone and seeing their better side does not mean all their past (and present) misdeeds are forgotten and they're suddenly your friend? Maybe this is the infamous "grey morality" done right -- not the indiscriminate tolerance and moral relativism, but allowing the other side to plead their case without losing sight of what made them "the other side" in the first place.

Sons of Mogh

Jadzia has a great "I'm gonna fuck that" face

"Charged with murder?" Have these people never heard of assisted suicide?

"I don't give a damn about Klingon beliefs, rituals or custom" ohhh so when we talk about Bajoran religion we all have to be tolerant and culturally sensitive and understanding, but Klingons are not allowed to perform their own rituals among themselves?

Wait, did Kurn consent to this or?...

A second good Klingon episode in the season that is tainted by the heroes' inexplicable immoral decisions. Last time Mr. Honor attemped murder in the most dishonorable day possible; this time ritual assisted suicide was deemed outrageous but likely nonconsensual mindwipe is an acceptable solution. The former can be headcanoned away with the assumption that the sword had some curse on it. My headcanon for the latter: people other than Sisko wouldn't have objected to the ritual (Dax canonically, O'Brien was implied to), so they accepted Worf's other solution on the same grounds.

Bar Association

Haha, Odo brings up Rascals, one of TNG's most ridiculous security failures :D

"Have you have any idea how bored I used to get sitting in the Transporter room waiting for something to break down? Here, I've a half dozen new problems every day. This station needs me" Damn, I hoped he got to do something interesting that we just weren't shown...

Wait, O'Brien got into a physical fight with Worf of all people?!

"If this was Ferenginar, I'd have you all taken to the Spire of the Tower of Commerce, displayed to the crowds in the Great Marketplace below, then shoved off, one by one. Small children would bet on where you would land, and your spattered remains would be sold as feed mulch for gree-worms" lol remember Quark's little speech about Ferengi not being barbaric?

I really care about this messed up family...

Yaaaaay I'm so happy for Rom! :D

Ferenginar sounds no less oppressive than Cardassia. I want a revolution! You know what, now that the Dominion has kindly disposed of the Tal Shiar and the Obsidian Order, can it take the FCA next? I, for one, would welcome our new gelatinous overlords in this case...

(I'm not a fan of that Leeta/Bashir background noise, thank you very much.)

Accession

"Quark, did you hear? Chief O'Brien is having a baby!" "I thought your females carried your young."

people from the past should stay in the past... apparently only 50 years ago Bajor was a pretty oppressive place too... 

"Maybe you never realised this, Captain, but we would've tried to do whatever you asked of us when you were Emissary, no matter how difficult it seemed" well that's creepy

oh come on Kira, don't follow your religion so blindly...

O'Brien and Bashir is the real love story of this show istg

oh god they have an untouchable caste too

and of course the aliens can't tell which is the true Emissary because the word "first" isn't in their vocabulary lol

The aliens say "First. Later. They have no meaning to us." -- and in the same conversation use grammatical tense to indicate the order of events: "This IS the one that WAS injured." "He WAS injured" "We KEPT him with us" "The Sisko TAUGHT us" -- so they must have some perception of time

"We are of Bajor" oh? since when do you even know that word? did the poet teach you?

these two are so awkward that poor Keiko has to play matchmaker for her own husband :D bless her

I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the direction of this story... Sisko was completely right to feel uncomfortable as a saint for a religion he doesn't believe in of planet he's not from, but it turned out he's so awesome that the Prophets chose him over the man from this culture who fits the descriptions in the sacred texts. Because only an enlightened human can lead the silly natives -- by following one of their own they'd go back to the dark ages! Yuck.

I've seen more than half of the show now... time flies fast.

Rules of Engagement

Courtroom episode!

I like the clever cinematography & editing

Hard Time

Poor O'Brien...

Well. This was really upsetting. I've been crying for several minutes now.

TNG repeatedly failed to show the recovery after a character's traumatic experience -- specifically, Picard's loss of time in The Inner Light and imprisonment and torture in Chain of Command. DS9 finally delivers an episode just about that -- even if the next week the status quo will be restored and I'll have the same complaint. 

What Miles goes through is completely horrific -- so much that I can't imagine how one can survive that. Even as a viewer I want to wipe this from my memory and pretend it didn't happen... For my own peace of mind I'm gonna pretend O'Brien's friend was a part of the simulation, and later he managed to erase it all from his mind somehow.

Now I kinda want a story where the characters become self-aware and O'Brien decides to get away from his sadistic writers (and Bashir helps him, sacrificing their friendship for O'Brien's well-being).

Shattered Mirror

Always nice to see Worf's hair loose

Well, at least Dax is angry at Sisko for the rape by deception...

Why is Kira still wearing that shit...

at this rate you won't have any characters left for the next episode

The Muse

will this adult woman leave Jake alone

poor Sisko

Odo: "Actually, I have some free time and I was wondering if you wanted to take a walk." Worf: "I would." Odo: "I meant Lwaxana."

"Well, just don't go do what I did. Look for someone to fix your broken heart then end up pregnant and on the run." "I don't think there's too much danger of that happening."

aah Odo makes her a blanket! (well, I guess he owed her a night of sleep on his lap...) this entire scene was so sweet

eww not the pedo woman again

why must I watch this

Odo and Lwaxana playing hide-and-seek!!! this is the best thing ever

oh my god this is such a fanfic trope

ew can I just fast-forward through this?

"If you don't mind, this is a very special moment for me"

"You know, for a minute there, I really believed you wanted to marry me" ahh poor Odo's face :( even when he literally declares he wants someone in his life, that person thinks he didn't mean it...

aaaaaah! the goodbye scene!!! Lwaxana is so good! this is so significant and beautiful, this is Lwaxana recognizing and preventing her biggest negative trait/habit (pursiung and harassing disinterested men) with one of her more rarely shown positive traits (compassion and emotional intelligence)

i don’t know what to say about an episode where the main story is 0/10 but the side story is 10/10

For the Cause

Finally, some info on replicator sharing policy! "The Federation only gave Bajor two CFI [industrial] replicators” 

"If she's really a Maquis, then she's no longer a Federation citizen" wait what?! I thought this was the entire reason Starfleet had to keep them in check -- because they were Federation outlaws! have they proclaimed their own state while I wasn't looking?

have they recast Ziyal? she looks different

I don't appreciate all this UST

"I would not become a terrorist. It would be dishonourable" "I wouldn't say that around Major Kira if I were you"

she... invites him... to a SAUNA??! ohhh my god whyyyyyy who wrote this

You go Kira!

okaaay I definitely missed something major about the Maquis formally leaving the Federation

well at least Cardassians enjoy their saunas fully dressed, that's a relief. the idea of lizard people lying around on heated rocks for relaxation is actually really cute, though

To be honest, I was dreading Garak's scenes in this episode. It seems that the writers ran out of Mysterious Past and Unclear Motivations to hint at, and stripped of that he's just... not particularly interesting. Plus, this episode confirmed my unpleasant impression that starting with this season, the producers/writers decided to forcibly drag Garak and Bashir away from each other and throw girls at them no matter how random and/or inappropriate it looks. At least they recast Ziyal so now she actually looks 19 instead of 13! (The problem is, in the previous episode she acted like a child, too, and you can't forget that she's a generation younger, so it's still pretty gross.)

Eddington's point about assimilation would have worked better without the rest of that inane speech. "Why is the Federation so obsessed with the Maquis? We've never harmed you" -- They're obsessed because you're a threat to their foreign relations, what's so hard to understand about that? "We've left the Federation" -- When? When?! Left Starfleet, sure, but the Federation?! Isn’t that the entire reason Starfleet is pursuing them -- because the Federation is responsible for handling its citizens and stopping them from committing crimes against its neighbor!?

To the Death

Iconians -- that's from "Contagion", right?

I like this guy...

"What is the point of doing battle if you cannot enjoy the fruits of victory?" "You mean sleep?" :D

I love how Whatshisname casually gives out the white, rolling his eyes and barely moving attention from his plate -- so different from the Jem'Hadar perspective we saw in Hippocratic Oath!

"I didn't know that was public knowledge." "You told Commander Dax." "Well, that explains it."

O'Brien's answer to the Jem'Hadar! "I am Chief Miles Edward O'Brien. I'm very much alive and I intend to stay that way"

The Quickening

bwahaha

whoa, a city? if it the first one we've seen in the Gamma Quadrant? lovely matte painting

of course they make everything worse. Because being Culturally Advanced and Civilized won't always instantly solve any problem, and hospices and euthanasia aren't evil.

"I was so arrogant I thought I could find one in a week." "Maybe it was arrogant to think that. But it's even more arrogant to think there isn't a cure just because you couldn't find it." Good one, Dax! We're really going back to the pivotal traits of his character in this episode. (Someone on the writing staff: "Hmm, we haven't mentioned Julian's arrogance and hero/savior complex for a couple of months...")

He swallows his pride and decides to stay! I'm proud

I did have a suspicion that the pregnancy would solve everything...

I'm really glad the local doctor wasn't villainized! When Bashir was setting up his clinic I was afraid that he'd raise the townspeople to destroy it or something.

Bashir has more luck with medical episodes than Crusher and Pulaski...

Body Parts

Jadzia's female solidarity!

Alright, how is this one episode going to fit in Keiko's pregnancy (and presumably childbirth?), Quark's condition, Brunt, and Garak? 

Federation technology is amazing...

Second time someone calls DS9 a "Cardassian monstrosity". That would make a good tumblr url... Wait, it's not even taken -- I'm very tempted...

of course Brunt bought him, why else would he be in the opening credits? :D this is so beautifully malicious

finally an episode that makes Quark look like a good person

Garak's face says "Killing you sounds like a great idea" :D :D

This is the most delightfully bizarre way to handle an actress' pregnancy :D

QUARK SHOPPING FOR MURDER-SUICIDE OPTIONS WITH GARAK =  AMAZING

(not to mention very relatable...)

This is Garak's best outing in the entire season, tbh :D

Don't forget to undo your contract with Garak...

aww

This was a blast! This is a huge step in Quark's character development: following Nog and Rom, now he decides to break his society's rules. I'm very happy. ...But what about Garak, though?

Broken Link

Poor Odo...

aw encouraging Quark

"I'm thinking of asking Julian to come live with us. Even things up a little" Is that the only reason? ;)

"Captain, I want to be judged. I'm the only changeling who's ever harmed another. I've spent most of my life bringing people to justice. Now that it's my turn, how can I run away?"

"Don't tell me you'd object to a little genocide in the name of self-defence?" This is such a Cardassian line...

Why human and not Bajoran?

Oh Odo, just as he got comfortable with his identity as a shape-shifter... :/

General impressions:

Bashir in season 4, a summary: "Friendship ended with Garak, now Miles O'Brien is my best friend" Seriously, though... O'Brien and Bashir's relationship has become one of my favourite parts of the show. They got lots of good content this season: countless casual/humorous scenes, conflict in Hippocratic Oath, need for each other's company in Accession, talking down from suicide in Hard Time... And Garak was the most underwhelming part of the season for me, both himself and his relationship with Bashir -- or lack of it. I'm not even asking for shippy stuff, I know it's not going to be canon, but can't they just share screentime and enjoy each other's company, like they did before and Bashir does with O'Brien now?

And while the writers seem unsure what to do with Garak now, Dukat continues to be incredibly entertaining. Need a personification of Cardassian oppression? An unwanted ally the protagonist(s) would barely tolerate? A pompous prick to make fun of? A dangerously charismatic speaker -- or a windbag who thinks himself much cooler than he is? A relatively sympathetic opponent to provide "grey morality"? Well, here's all of that in one character! And my favourite thing is that despite being so immoral, he's not actually an enemy plot-wise (at least so far), so instead of fighting, defeating, and getting him out of the picture, the heroes just keep telling him how much he sucks. An interesting antagonist with a decent amount of screentime -- the dream. But all of that was about the character in general, and my favourite thing about his two episodes in this season is that he's self-aware of his status as a Complex Antagonist and completely overestimates the "complex and sympathetic" part, and (mis)casts himself as some kind of sexy byronic antihero whose deep and rich inner world will eventually win over the feisty heroine. Meanwhile, Kira is really not into villain/protagonist pairings and just wants the creepy guy responsible for genocide against her people to leave her alone. This was filmed twenty years ago but looks like a parody/deconstruction of currently popular ships like reylo or solavellan -- I find it really hilarious. (Maybe I’d feel more grossed out than amused if his behavior disturbed Kira more -- but she seems so gloriously unimpressed!)

I generally like Klingons and was glad to see Worf again, all of his episodes had something that stopped me from fully enjoying them.

It was my impression that Kira’s screetime got reduced because of Nana Visitor’s pregnancy -- and it was actually a good thing for the show! I feel bad saying this about one of the only two main female characters, but Kira is obviously the writers’ favorite, and got the most attention over the past seasons, so stepping back a bit let other characters shine more.