#whatever i dont wanna see this again

[snowquills]

still havent moved on from season 4

[tubbytarchia]

MAY I HUMBLY REQUEST MORE RENDOG.... I really love your design for him <3

Dude I'm so sorry I drew Tango instead idk what happened

Surprise shiny duo!!! :)

[b4kuch1n]

about ready

[ackee]

i feel so emotional over matpats retirement despite not watching a singular video of his LOL

[moeblob]

Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.

Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.

[munamania]

also ok maybe had a weird little freak moment yesterday :/ i was with lydia and needed to eat my godawful shitass sushi before going to the library so anyway who do i spot but the roommate with some random guy naturally and im like lydia pause i need to be a stalker but so casually for just like a sec. (this is in a downstairs like cafe/hallway/elevators area) so i stall and then we go to check for a free room to sit in and when there r ppl in it we just go back near the cafe area and theyre over in this little. alcove. of a sitting area. lounging. and im so normal and rlly naturally glanced over a couple times hoping to god the guy didnt see me cause luckily roommate was faced away. anyway. but lydias screenaging it up so im just sitting there awkwardly. and i have to walk past them at one point to get soy sauce to drown the sushi in and maybe that made me look like a weird little stalker too. well again this is if the guy even knows who i am and prob not so whatever its like fine. but like yeah and then i def saw them getting up and then on the elevator to leave so i think my skittish little creature tendencies scared off the vibe from across the room even... and i didnt just wave like a normal person bc i wasnt sure they saw me but we've spotted each other at much greater distances there's simply no way. i was treating them like what the kids call an 'opp' kinda... me when im an anxious little beast...

[orcelito]

I think I cried harder today over my dad's jackets than I did at his deathbed. That was a miserable time of course, a memory that will likely be seared into my brain until I die, but I cried... I think a normal amount, all things considered. More than I ever usually do of course, but I typically don't cry At All. All this free crying is certainly surreal.

The jackets, though. I was put in charge of doing his laundry, because we don't want to pack up dirty clothes. I was expecting it to be unpleasant bc my dad's dirty clothes - gross. But really, it was much more unpleasant in that... those were his. It felt wrong to touch them. Felt wrong to treat his jackets as gross. Because they were just his jackets. They weren't even in the hamper. And then I was remembering him wearing them, and then I was crying. Again. And again. Weeping over these damn jackets.

Then I found a shirt on his bed that still smelled like him. It smelled like a Hug From Dad. And that set me off crying even harder.

In total, I think I cried like 6 times within 40 minutes. It took me that long to finish sorting the damn clothes bc I just. Was a wreck. Like, what are you supposed to do when you're living life like normal, vaguely hopeful bc you're taking steps to secure your own happiness, and then 4 days later you're sorting your dad's laundry because he fucking died. Suddenly. Without a goodbye.

And you have to worry about his lack of a will (even under an ideal situation, only 2 heirs and no conflicts between us, probate's a fucking Bitch), and arranging the funeral, and prepping his obituary, and picking out pictures, and writing a speech bc you want to talk at his funeral, of Course you want to talk at his funeral, but even just thinking about anecdotes you could share has you crying yet again.

I've cried more times in the past 3 days than likely the entirety of last YEAR. And that's WITH my cat, and uncle, and family friend dying. Those all hurt, my uncle most of all, & I was real fucked up over it. But this? This was my Dad. Likely the person I'd have named 2nd closest to me in my life, second only to my sister. He wasn't perfect, but he did so much for me throughout my entire life. All he wanted was to raise us to be happy and independent. And he accomplished it, we're getting by without him, but we still wanted several more decades with him. He was only 57. We should've gotten several more decades with him.

But here we are now. Playing investigators to his life, digging into all his shit, trying to find documents and take inventory of all his things, and learning Many things about him in the process. In his lockbox of sensitive documents, like his SSN and birth certificate and all that stuff, we found an old letter. About a decade old now, written in my hand. Right at the very top, we found that he'd kept the letter I wrote to him telling him frankly about my struggles and the things I wanted him to do better. He kept it. He tried to take it to heart. He looked at it again, sometime more recently than all the rest of the documents. That was on top.

His love for us is evident everywhere. The pictures he has hanging up all over the place, majority of them with us in them. The old fathers day cards placed on display in his bedroom bookshelf. The gifts we gave him, even stupid little knick knacks, placed around his apartment with pride. I wish we'd taken more videos of him. I don't want to forget the sound of his voice. I don't want to forget his smell either, the smell of a Hug From Dad, but I still tossed that shirt into the wash even though it felt like saying yet another goodbye.

It's the suddenness that hurts the most, I think. We were planning on having him help me finally get my license this year. My final words to him, the last thing he would've seen from me, were messages asking up on whether he'd called his car insurance company to make sure there wouldn't be problems. I should've called him more. I don't know if I'm going to learn from this.

I cut my 2 weeks off early to have time to grieve and to work on things for the funeral and settling the estate. The last thing I'd wanna do right now is selling fucking bubble tea in a job I already decided to leave. So here I am without a job, though with potentially two life insurance policy payouts to come. Inheriting half his 401k. Inheriting couches, knickknacks, keepsakes, paintings, art pieces, maybe even his guitar and other furniture if we can figure out what to do about space (I don't have room for this furniture, I don't know if I even have room for the couches, but God do I want to keep so much of this furniture). It has me even considering keeping one of his guns, just one. A tiny little revolver, it sits so comfortably in my hand. I don't even want to use it for anything. I just want to have it, keep it stored in a drawer with its ammo kept separate. I don't like guns, but this is a part of him. He loved collecting guns. He was about as responsible with them as someone can be, keeping them locked in a lockbox and impressing upon his children the importance of gun safety (I've known the basic gun safety rules ever since I was a little kid. Of course, of course, of course.) It reminds me of him. It's horrifically easy to have a gun in Indiana. I apparently don't even need a permit to carry anymore. (I have no intention to ever carry this in public.)

It's all a cycle. Business, grief, thoughts about my future. Round and round, like the most nauseating carousel in existence. I don't know how I'm still so functional. My skills with compartmentalization have been my lifesaver.

And im just thinking about the story my dad's best friend shared today. About a friend of theirs who lost her father. She reached out after hearing about my dad to share his words with her: "it's okay to grieve, but don't make his death your life".

He explicitly referenced himself in this, saying if he were to die suddenly that he wouldn't want us to define ourselves by it. Grief is expected, but he wants us to be able to move on. He's always wanted us to establish ourselves and make ourselves happy. He wouldn't want to be a weight holding us back from that.

So every time I start to feel guilty for thinking about having nicer furniture or using his life insurance payout to fund the rest of my college, I remind myself of that. Thinking about the material isn't a bad thing. I'm only human. And in the end, he'd Want me to be thinking about it. He never intended to die, certainly not without warning like this, so he would've only encouraged me being pragmatic about it all.

He only ever wanted us to be happy. So I need to do what I can to live up to that.

I love him. I miss him already.

[todayisafridaynight]

getting wigs for characters with the same hair color as myself make me feel like the biggest dumbass around but youd have me fucked thinking im burdening myself with daigos 2000's emo cut just for a weekend

[risingsunresistance]

damn i kinda dont like it here anymore

[hyp3rfixation-h3ll]

screenshot redraw from Phoning it in (episode 3A) ! dimlit facebook gaming real NO FX VERS + CLOSEUPS BELOW THE CUT ! + PLEASE DON'T TAG AS SHIP!!!

reblogs + shares >>> likes!

[eirian]

just wanted to share this vid again bc like. i am STILL obsessed w it to this day. i think about it so often

it was a speedpaint for a commission by the incredible @kiwi ... honestly my favorite commission ever. tbh. the way turnis and calabris are rendered is just. perfection, i cant stop looking. kiwi if u see this if i could commission u a thousand times over i would bc holy shit dude this brought me so much joy and continues to bring me joy even now

[saeshiraw]

tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry

[b4kuch1n]

fuck it sk8 sketches from da sketchbook. get sk8ed idiot

[francy-sketches]

I hateeee how asoiaf has just become the "incest books lol" to so many people. what a dumb and reductive way to look at a series that has so much more like. of all the things you could say are the central themes of asoiaf incest in not one of them lmao.(yes obviously it's present, but not nearly as much as people make it out to be) And this isn't about people who havent read it and are just judging from the outside bc who gives a shit about them. But I see this mostly from fans and its just??? what the fuck did you read/watch lmao. I mean even hotd which centers around thee incest family isnt about the incest and you'd have to have negative media literacy to think it is.

Also it's fucking insane how being uncomfortable with incest shipping gets you ridiculed in this fandom lmao. like I'm not here to be the morality police ship whatever the fuck you want idc. but dont be surprised when it makes people uncomfortable??? "ummm if you dont like incest why are you reading the incest books/watching the incest show??? weirdo" I dont fucking know man maybe all the other 348593 interesting things it's about. just a guess. And these are the same people who go on about "well just bc you write something fucked up doest mean you agree with it" which. yes! true!! then why do you uncritically endorse targ incest blood purity 😭 do you think maybe that's one of the things grrm wrote that he doesnt agree with? of course not, hotd is a cautionary tale about the dangers of not doing incest and what happens when you let your pure valyrian blood be contaminated by gross peasant genes from outside your family ^_^ obviously ^_^ and anyone who's not into your incest ships is a bigot <3 "but it's normal in their world!1!11!!!" no its not lol. and even if it was. marrying children is also normal in their world what's your point

[peanutblowandjobsandwich]

who needs sleep when you can lie in the dark chewing on your lip n thinking about him

[sonknuxadow]

why are there people tagging spiderverse posts as miles prower.. begging for people to stop spamming random tags on their posts for clout Please its so annoying to every person whos not actively seeking out whatever youre posting about