#when a crumb here awakens a voracious hunger in me for affection and approval
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#am going to exhibit mental illness in the tags as heads up shdhdjfjf also dw none of what I say is#abt or concerns folks here but#yeah. as a tldr very Gabrielcore of me haha but yeah#I wondered for a long time how I could go years without#when a crumb here awakens a voracious hunger in me for affection and approval#and there is simply an element of ego to it - to enjoying the idea that those I admire like what i say#but I think the larger part is simply that I’m myself here#in a way I’m not irl. I’m not…I can’t be vulnerable to people. I can’t let them see me. I don’t want to be rejected I think#but here I am simply. unaware to people who don’t click with me. no one interacts w me unless they’d like to#and there’s a certainty to that which just isn’t quite present irl#so I think the reason I get so easily attached IS because it’s me. because it’s my true self. and I don’t. I don’t know how to not want that#approval and affection beyond just letting the feeling fade with time. beyond removing myself from spaces where it occurs#because it’s not. it’s not fair to foist that onto people who didn’t enter that knowingly. I don’t#I don’t want to be too much. I always feel like I’m too much. too serious too intense feeling too deeply and on and on#I m want to be just enough. not too little or too much.#and yet that’s not healthy nor is honest to those you want to connect w#and people aren’t obligated to connect w you - it’s egotistical to simply think you can correct social step your way into someone’s regard!#but ah I don’t know. it’s been a night. I just wanted to say it plain and honest and finally get it out#but this isn’t like shdhdj asking for pity and such. I’ll be okay it’s all just part of it#vent.txt
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