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#when i was driving home tonight i think i mightve had an arrhythmia which was a scary feeling
chucklechampion
·
1 year
Text
evening dedicated to The Horrors
#i just need to fucking vent man
#i cannot fucking live like this anymore
#i still dont have the tags for my car and its almost been a year
#a whole year where i didnt go ANYWHERE but work and home and sometimes special occasions when i felt i could risk it
#and the daily agonizing fear of being pulled over again and getting a ticket that i cant afford because i cant afford to pay for my tags
#ive gotten one of those smart watches that can track your heart rate and stress and im genuinely developing a heart problem from stress
#when i was driving home tonight i think i mightve had an arrhythmia which was a scary feeling
#im going off of caffiene from here on out because im starting to be afraid that i might have a heart attack
#im twenty fucking five years old and im so stressed and scared about money that im afraid of a heart attack
#i miss being able to go and do things and just get out of my generally shitty house
#i feel like i would be a totally different person if this was just finally taken care of
#someone who doesnt feel like they need to hospitalize themselves because the neverending stress is making you suicidal
#because it feels like it’ll never end and i’ll be scared and hurting forever
#because how the fuck am i gonna get almost $2000 when im going through a garnishment
#like i can barely afford to pay all my billa
#fuck i CANT even pay my bills my mom is covering my phone bill this month
#because i’d have to choose between car insurance or a phone
#and god for fucking bid i ever lose my insurance
#the level of fear i would have just trying to get to and from work would kill me
#and the longer this goes on the more i wonder if that might actually happen
#im smoking way more because im stressed. i cant sleep because im stressed. i cant eat because im stressed.
#all things that preclude some pretty serious cardiovascular problems
#i have a doctors appointment on tuesday to discuss my heart
#im nervous for it but who knows
#i have had an exceptionally high heart rate but maybe the arrythimia was just psychosomatic
#my money troubles have completely stopped my life and i cant see a way out
#i feel like im drowning and like im going clinically insane
#i was outside sitting in our carport and a cop drove by and i was so terrified i spent 10 minutes hiding in an empty room
#looking through the blinds to see if they were gonna come do something
#i am so afraid that i have considered quitting my job because the commute is so stressful and upsetting
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