#a whole year where i didnt go ANYWHERE but work and home and sometimes special occasions when i felt i could risk it

[chucklechampion]

evening dedicated to The Horrors

[mithranqueersmusings]

Before This Dance Is Through V

Chapter: 5/16

Rating: M (Smut Warning)

Summary: Ringo's being going through a dry spell for the last year or so and when he regretfully tells his best friend John, he insists on taking them to an all-male strip club for some "fun". Ringo isn't sure whether it's the alcohol, his desperation or a mixture of the two but he thinks he might be falling in love with a stripper.

Tags: AU - Strippers, Modern Setting, Smut, Slow Burn

Pairings: George Harrison/Ringo Starr, John Lennon/Paul McCartney

AO3 link here / Fic masterlist here

Despite what John had suggested, Ringo didn't go back to The Helter Skelter the following week; he'd considered it when John sent him yet another late night text but ultimately decided it wasn't the best idea. Spike had been playing on his mind daily and Ringo wasn't sure he was prepared to face him again. Instead he focused on his drumming and searched for a few more students to teach, which were fairly easy to find. Usually Ringo enjoyed his time off, he understood he was lucky that he didn't have to work a 9-5 job just to get by, but recently he wanted his fill his time up as much as possible, to distract himself.

One of his new students seemed incredibly interested in him, they'd spent an hour just chatting in his living room before they'd even moved over to the drum kit. Ringo wasn't too fussed, he was getting paid by the hour so wasting time was beneficial to him but he didn't want to give the guy the wrong impression. He was a little bit older and attractive enough but Ringo simply wasn't interested.

"Why didn't you just go for it?" John had asked him when they next met up.

"I dunno..." Ringo mumbled, but a part of him knew very well.

He'd given the guy another lesson since then and it became clear that the guy's interest in him wasn't going away any time soon. Ringo felt bad about the whole thing, wasn't he just doing exactly what Spike was doing to him? He tried to act as professional as possible the second time around in attempt to get the guy to back off, considering he hadn't heard from him since he was hoping it had worked. What was wrong with him? Was he really going to make himself suffer like this all because of one guy? And not just any guy, a stripper who had shown absolutely no interest in him at all. It was ridiculous, he kept telling himself, but no matter how much he tried to convince himself that he had to get over Spike, he would still think about him every day without fail. Trying to distract himself with clients had been working somewhat, but it had been difficult, especially when his best friend was John Lennon.

       youre gonna love me

The text came through when Ringo was sat in a café getting some lunch. He'd finished with one of his younger students, a sweet girl who's parents had tried to convince her to try a more 'ladylike' instrument but she had promised only to give up the drums if she was awful; much to her delight, and Ringo's for being able to prove the stereotypical parents wrong, she was pretty good. Seeing her always put Ringo in a good mood, the parents mostly stayed away partly due to the noise but mostly due to disappointment, which meant they could joke around together. Ringo could tell she admired him and he welcomed it gladly, one of the best things about teaching was inspiring others, at least for him it was.

        do i not already?

        well yes         but youre gonna love me EVEN more

        what have you done

        well i happened to stop by the club last night

        oh god what did you do

        wow is that how little you trust me

        can you blame me

        suppose not         ANYWAY i got talking to paulie

        surprise surprise

        do you want the good news or not???

        fine fine sorry

        AS I WAS SAYING i was talking to paulie         and he told me that your special little someone has an onlyfans account

        first of all fuck you for calling him that         second of all wtf is onlyfans

        oh sorry i didnt realise you werent living in the 21st century

        ......         care to grace me with your knowledge?

        basically its a website where you can post exclusive stuff for ONLY FANS to see         its not a porn site or anything but its basically where people sell their nudes         MEANING spike has an account so you can totally see loads of raunchy filthy perverted pics of him

        but i have to pay?

        well weve all gotta make a living

        i can basically see him naked for free

        but this way you wont get all freaked out and embarrassed         well you will but nobody will know at least         so do you want the link or not???

Ringo paused for a few moments, he was gripping his phone tightly in both of his hands as he unblinkingly looked at John's words. If his mind was going to decide to make him suffer by enabling his intense interest in Spike, he may as well get something out of it.

        fine

        where are your manners richard??

        can i please have the link to the strippers nude photos please john please

        alright calm down         let me know if its worth while i might have a look

        idk if im even gonna look at it         paying for porn is a little dated

        treat yourself ringo         id offer to pay but im broke

        if youre broke why were you at the strip club last night?

        well SOMEONE had to go

        they really didnt

        im supporting my local economy

        i dont think thats how that works

        sure it is         anyway here you go

Ringo stared at the link for a while, his eyes even began to blur, he didn't want to risk opening it in public even though he knew there was little chance of anyone seeing. He finished his lunch in a hurry and headed home quickly, only when he was in the privacy of his bedroom did he dare open it. First he had to make an account, when he saw the screen loading up asking for an email address and password he just turned his screen off and put the phone down. This was far too much effort for something he shouldn't really have been doing in the first place. But it only took a few minutes for him to pick the phone back up and begin signing up, he used an old email as it felt less seedy that way and he didn't want to risk his name cropping up anywhere for Spike to see. Now he could load up the link properly and take a proper look at Spike's profile.

Just looking at the small profile picture was enough to startle Ringo a little, the dark eyes looking into the camera with that unreadable glimmer behind them. He was shirtless in the picture, Ringo wondered why that didn't catch his attention first, with the frame cutting off just before it showed anything too explicit. The header was a photo taken from the club, showing him in tight, leather pants and tassels on his nipples which matched the whip he held in his hand. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. He'd spent so much time and effort trying not to think about this man, attempting to keep him out of his mind as much as possible. Ringo knew that if he went through with this all that progress would be lost, he'd be giving in to whatever strange obsession he'd developed for Spike, one that no doubt wasn't going to lead to anything good.

Ringo kept staring at the screen as though it was going to tell him what he should do. Spike's profile had no description, which wasn't very surprising, and it dashed any hope Ringo had of discovering something new about him. Right before he was about to put his phone down again, it vibrated.

        howd the wank go??

        john i dont care how long weve been friends asking how my wank was will always be weird

        youre right sorry         so how did it go???

        if you must know         i havent had a wank         i havent even paid for entry

        now whos the one being inappropriate??

        ha ha

        why havent you???

        feels weird

        oh i see         youll consume a bunch of unethical porn for free but god forbid you actually give sex workers any actual money

        you are the last person who can lecture me about unethical porn

        hey now watch yourself         ringo if you dont get a subscription I WILL

        go ahead

        and ill tell you every day what sexy sexy pictures hes posting         ill tell you EVERY SINGLE TIME i have a wank over them

        every time? i dont think youve got enough data for that

        im not joking

        neither am i         you wank A LOT

        ringooooo just buy it i swear to god         if its not worth it or you regret it or whatever ill give you the money back

        on top of the money you already owe me?

        have you always been such a capitalist

        youre not doing a very good job of convincing me

        fine         spikes cock         now are you convinced???

        maybe

        naked pictures of spike whenever and wherever you want them all for the low low price of 10 quid a month         convinced??

        fine fine         if itll shut you up

        im starting to think thats code for 'i really wanna do this but im too embarrassed to admit it'

        i hate you

        now that DEFINITELY code for 'john youre right'         anyway theres no time to be telling me how right i am all the time youve got dick pics to look at         even i wont stand in the way of a good wank         so dont bother replying to me until youve paid for that subscription young man

        im older than you

        DONT BOTHER REPLYING

Ringo let out a sigh and rested his head against the bedroom wall from where he was laying on the bed. He opened up the link again and his thumb hovered over the subscription button, why couldn't he just do it? The money wasn't an issue, it could've cost half as much or be double the price and he'd still be debating it all the same. Somehow it felt like an invasion of privacy, after all Spike hadn't told Ringo about it himself, but then again that didn't necessarily mean he didn't want Ringo to see it. After all it was like John said: everyone has to make a living somehow. Sometimes Ringo wished he could turn off that part of his brain that was so empathetic, so concerned about how everyone felt and what they were thinking. He knew that he wanted this, so why wasn't he allowing himself to have it? Ringo could see that he was being ridiculous, as he was with almost anything involving Spike, and after lying there for a while pondering and debating he decided to flip a coin. Heads would mean he got the subscription, tails that he didn't. He watched the coin spinning through the air after he flicked it upwards, then snatched it and slammed it down onto his forearm before slowly moving his hand away: it was tails. What a relief. Ringo chuckled to himself for being so foolish, settling down into his bed; it was still only around midday but he didn't have anywhere he needed to be.

So why didn't he feel relieved in the slightest?

This whole thing was getting tiring, the constant debate between what he believed he should do and what he wanted to do, and it seemed like it wasn't going to be ending anytime soon. Apparently he was in this for the long run, whatever that meant, but if he was going to turn down relatively attractive guys practically throwing themselves at him, he may as well go all the way. While he was putting in his credit card information, he stopped to think around three of four times, but once he'd finished and the images became accessible to him, his brain was barely able to conjure up a coherent sentence.

"Jesus..." Ringo breathed out as his eyes flicked across the plethora of pictures loading up on his screen.

There was a lot of them, and a lot of Spike was on display. Most of them were pictures taken at the club, either from a professional photographer in the audience or photos he'd taken himself in the mirrors backstage - Ringo could even see glimpses of Paul in the background of some of them. The ones that caught Ringo's eyes the most were those that seemed to be taken in his house, these also happened to be the ones in which Spike tended to be fully naked. It was very different experience to see him like this: a static image that he'd intentionally taken of himself and posted for so many people to see, an image that couldn't look back at Ringo and make him feel that strange mixture of excitement and shame. He began scrolling down the feed which only revealed more and more enticing photos. Ringo began to feel himself hardening, he suspected it had been happening for a while now but he'd been far too distracted to notice. He felt like a teenager discovering porn for the first time, it was difficult to remind himself that this wasn't anything new. Seeing Spike naked shouldn't have excited him so much, and yet it did.

One picture in particular drew Ringo's attention: Spike was stood in front of a bathroom mirror with a loose black tie lying against his bare chest, one hand was holding a phone and the other gripping his cock. He had dark eye make up on and his hair was messy. Ringo wasn't sure exactly what it was about this photo that was so enticing but he couldn't take his eyes off it. The prominence of his collarbones, the faint curls of his dark hair, how his slim fingers wrapped around himself. Slowly Ringo slid his own hand under the waistband of his boxers as he stared at the picture. At first he hesitated, his fingers stopped right above the base. It's not like this would've been the first time he'd touched himself while thinking about Spike, it would've been far from the last he imagined, but this was different. It was more concrete, more of an admission. Nothing felt quite as real when it's only being imagined, the haziness of lust fuzzing up the mind as it so often did, but now with a very real photo of Spike in front of him - which he'd paid to see - the feeling was far more tangible, far harder to ignore.

He'd come this far, he told himself as his hand sunk lower until his fingers were running along the length of his semi-hard cock, he may as well go all the way. To begin with Ringo stayed looking at this single picture as he slowly pumped himself, but as his lust began to grow he perused through more and more pictures: Spike kneeling naked in front of a mirror with a loose cigarette hanging from his lips, lying in the bath with bubbles only just about covering his nakedness, spread out on the bed with a gag in his mouth, handcuffs forcing his slim arms behind his back with his cock throbbing. None of this was anything Ringo hadn't seen before, like most people in this day and age he'd searched through the darker corners of the internet - sometimes willingly, sometimes John was to blame - but to see Spike in such a way was like an entirely new rush. Each picture drove Ringo further and further on, at times he almost dropped his phone with how sloppy his movements were becoming. Who took these photos? Ringo figured it was best not to think about it, the possibility that Spike had a boyfriend who took all these pictures of him would've been the quickest way to kill his erection.

Ringo began moaning and cursing wantonly as he got closer and closer to his orgasm, he had to stop flicking through the pictures because he could hardly concentrate on what his other hand was doing, so he settled on a final one to help him finish; it wasn't particularly strategic but he was definitely grateful that he selected the one that he did. In it Spike was looking directly into the camera, allowing Ringo to gaze longingly into the rich brown of his eyes and how his dark lashes curled beautifully around them. He was shirtless with nothing but a necklace on, the same necklace that Ringo had seen him wearing in the record store and Ringo couldn't help feeling a sense of satisfaction that he'd seen it with his own eyes, as though it meant something. Deep down he knew that it didn't but his inebriated mind was latching onto it. The nudity in the photo was hardly interesting Ringo by this point, although it would be wrong to say that he completely ignored the flatness of his stomach or the faint shadows of his ribs beneath his pale skin, it was the personal aspect which truly affected him.

This wasn't just lust. Lust Ringo could understand, he could compartmentalise it and give into it without much shame or a second thought. If this was just lust, he would've bought the subscription without a care and touched himself looking at the nakedness of Spike's body as though it meant nothing more than a way to get off. Yet here he was on the brink of orgasm looking into another man's eyes, eyes that felt like they were looking straight back at him as though they were sharing this moment together. It wasn't hard to imagine Spike's hand in place of his own, those deep eyes watching Ringo come undone piece by piece. Ringo's hip began to stutter, his leg twitching a little as he had to drop the phone down onto his lap as his head fell back against his pillow as his orgasm approached. It wasn't the image of Spike's naked body that filled Ringo's mind as he came, it wasn't his arse or his cock or even his chest, it was his face, his voice, it was him.

Ringo lay breathless on his bed for a while, the clarity that arrived as his orgasm subsided wasn't welcome in the slightest and he was reluctant to pick his phone back up to see Spike's eyes looking at him once again. There was no use in feeling ashamed about it, no point in trying to deny it any longer: his feelings for Spike were more than a mere passing fancy, that was clear. Exactly what he was meant to do about these feelings was far from clear but that wasn't something Ringo could figure out right now with cum on his stomach and the daylight seeping through his bedroom curtains.

When he'd picked up his phone he'd closed all the apps immediately, doing his best not to catch a glimpse of what he'd been so eagerly looking at before. Just as he was about to step into the shower to clean himself off, his phone buzzed; he almost couldn't hear it over the music he was blasting out. It alerted him for a moment as though it was going to be a message from Spike stating he knew exactly what Ringo had just done - it wouldn't have really surprised him had that been the case, Spike's face almost always looked like he knew something that nobody else did - but fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately, it was John.

        sooo how did the wank go

         who knows          but on a totally unrelated note im about to get into the shower

         well before you do that i have even more good news 

         can it not wait?

         NO because you might cum just at the thought of it and then youd be wasting a good shower

         well arent you considerate          and unnecessarily graphic

         thats me          anyway im taking you to the club next tuesday whether you like it or not

         im still waiting for the good news

         well if youd let me FINISH          next week theyre doing a special event and we just have to go          youll never guess what it is

         what is it?

         guess

         you just said ill never guess

         youre no fun

         WHAT IS IT

         alright alright keep your hair on          its a crossdressing event          high heels make up probably a few wigs all that good stuff

         im still waiting for the good news

         OH COME ON youre telling me you dont want to see spike in heels and fishnets with some lovely lipstick on

Ringo gulped. It wasn't a difficult image to conjure up his mind, considering he'd been staring at photos of Spike for the past twenty minutes and it excited him to say the least. He did want to see that, very much indeed.

[cybernightwanderer]

“ My Reiki and Yoga New Free Soul Brother - Once an abuser manipulative thieve , money driven leach “

Well thats a big tittle to describe one person entirely. So my ( midle ) brother across my kid years and then teenager developing to adult, my brother was an interesting person. For example, in school my brother would pretend he didnt know me , and if i even dared to aproach him he would shame me in front of everyone, even thought they already knew i was his sister, i was bullied a lot in school so at the start i tried a few times reaching out to him , specially because i didnt have any friends and id always be alone. This motherfucker who was already a teenager completly dismissed me , BUT would actually seek me out or talk to me when he needed lunch money because he already “ spent his”, funny enough hed get mine to eat coz he didnt wanna use his, and if i didnt gave him even though i hadnt eaten , he would guilty me badly , and being the kid that i was , my brother was everything to me , even tho he didnt gave a shit about me.

So in consequence i started drawing a distance line between me and him, at home id start to distance myself and ignore him. And he started getting like a really attention whore, hed always annoye me , and force me to hangout, and i didnt he would threaten me or do some shit at the house and blame me for it , because my mother at the tinniest shit at home would beat the crap out of me , so me being the little kid that i was tired of getting beatings for no random reason , id play along. My brother would literally antagonzie me and scare the shit out of me while so. Everytime my family went anywhere , for example the beach, id try to go to the water alone for some peace this motherfucker would sneak behind me and try to drown me as a joke , like every 5 minutes, id yell in panic and my mom wouldnt do shit, eventually id end up actually chocking on water and  hit my head on the sand and cry the rest of the time. So yeah FUN ! Did my mom do anything ? ofc no , “ hes just playing around “. I had BD collections that id buy with my lunch money that sometimes id save up, disney movie cassettes and so on. Sometimes id have snacks in my room to eat when studying or something. My brother, being a full grown ass teenager that he was , would steal everything without me even catching a glimpse of it. My brother would “ borrow “ things without asking then hide them because he wanted. I had two final fantasy collectible caracters that i spent my leftover bday money on, and my brother would take it as his own. Yes because whatever birthday money i got wether it be 50 euros or even 20 from my grandma or aunt, my mom would take it “ borrowed” for herself with no justification, shed always say “ Ah lend me i need it  / or / I always buy you clothes and everythings, i buy you food , you owe me this , thats the minimum you could do / “ or / she would just take it without me knowing , she would inspect my bday gifts and take it before hand , the problem is that my grandma or aunt would always after if i was gonna save it up and id ask what and they would question what i did with the money and i would ask what money and blah blah , you get where this is going.

OH and if i didnt give my money the money she would beat me up ! wich is funny asf. My brother literally sold all my things behind my back, my original BDS, MY FUCKING POISON IVY STORYLINE BD, my disney cassetes , my collectibles, and my snacks he would steal and eat. If i had saved up money hidden, first he would try to borrow it and guilty me with the “ im such a good brother to you , you cant even lend me money ? i will pay you back, trust me “ ... ofc he never payed me back , but every two weeks he woul do this shit. And if i by any chance didnt gave him , hed just steal, or sell my things, wich regardless of me lending him , he would do it anyway. Fast forward to my early teenage years, i had to start working , i quit school because we entered that internet deth with my moms company, wich my brother also contributed to but let the blame to me ofc, i was already the punch bag of the family what is one more thing. My brothers were always my moms “ babies “ even tho one was already a full grown ass man and the other was already on his way. My brother did nothing at home , didnt take the dog outside, didnt take out the trash, didnt make food, didnt wash the dishes, didnt clean the house, basicly sit on his ass all day playing video games and eating, and selling my shit for money. My brother was unemployed for 3/4 years in between those i studied and worked at the same time , and did all the house chores, even if i had to walk the dog as 2/3 am after work i would have to, even tho my brother was in bed all day. My mom would literally yell at me and make my life a living hell and threaten to hit me if i didnt do it or even dared to complain. I would get home trying to study , trying to recorver at school ,and she would yell non stop until i didn every house chore, wich i would only manage to finish at midnight or later, and then id be too tired and unmotivated to do anything so id just sleep, and id always get late to class thanks to that. When my brothers started working, it was at my dads wearehouse, where i was forced to work too. Id work 8 to 10 hours , sometimes more, because we got payed by publicity stock packs, each pack was worth 1 euro, wich also 1 pack took 1 hour and 15/20 minutes to make. So if i wanted to make the day worth anything i had to rush , no eating breaks or pee breakes. My hands at the end of the day would literally be filled with newspaper and printed paper ink and dirk, and tons of cuts and sores , that would be leeched in paper ink, wich make it hurt even more at the end of the day, and was really hard to take it out. My brother would take breaks every 30 minutes to smoke , be on his phone or even go to bathroom or eat randomly, i wouldnt stop the 8 hours straight, and when i actually had to go to the bathroom or eat something because id get sick, my brother literally stole packs from me, or try to “ negociate my help for X “, the thing about my brother is that hed always try to negociate something , ofc it was always entangled for his own benefit and not both.

So it was like this my brother came up to me all excited and say “ oh if you do this to help me , ill split the profit that way we will make more and will be less exausting “ stupid like i was id always give in, specially because if i didnt  hed steal anyway.... Hed always change his methods and works, and guilty me if i didnt do it, so id always have to do so. If i didnt hed just change the pack registration list either way, without me even seeing it, and fake my signature, i only found out we had to sign an official paper a few months later when my dad asked, before that my brother would always tell me to note them on my phone then send the numbers by the end of the week, and since he was the bosses son , every one backed up that story ofc.  Eventually when i started to get older , i cut ties with my brothers and dad. And my ( midle ) brother was constantly trying to reach out and play nice and shit , also he was still working at the wearhouse . Anyway , fast forward when i got unemployed after the 5 star hotel due to rape attent and shit like that, i was unemplyoyed for 4 moths?! My brother tried to reach out , and even came home before my mother to try and persuade me to enter one of his schemes, i explained to my brother that i didnt have any money and that i wouldnt believe anymore of his stupid schemes and blah blah. He swore he was only trying to make up to me , and the plan was , i would pretend to work at my dads  wearehouse, but i would just be there 2 times a week and he would give me a cut of the protfit, coz if he didnt want my dad to hire some random slow guy, so he set up to do a two persons work, and give me 30 % of the monthy rate and all i had to do is show up a few times for my dad to see i was there, and then go home. That motherfucker insisted for 3 days straight promissing it wasnt a scheme and that he was serious this time. OBVIOUSLY THAT DIDNT HAPPEN OBVIOUSLY- with the last 10 euros i had, i bought train tickers to the wearhouse, the first week he actually stick to his word, a few days later the shit started, he actualy forced me to deliver shit and stuff. Wich for me was really difficult because its when i started to develop hernias, and the pain was too overwhealming, and that fucker didnt care and still forced me to, eventually i told him i was out , and found out he still used my name in his shit plan  and pretended i was still working there to my dad for two whole months , and then begged me to lie to my dad on the phone, hed literally call me before my dad trying to get me to lie, and promissing the money, and hed ask my mom to pressure my to help him. What could i do??!! what happend after you may ask? did my brother gave me the money? OFC NO ! NO! He gave me 115 euros of the cut , and he made 996 euros to himself. And told me it was only for the days “ i actually worked “  NEVER IN MY LIFE  I VERBALLY EVER SAID TO ANYONE , FAMILY OR NOT  “ I hope you die, you are shit , you are nothing to me , seriously i hope you die “ and acually meant it and wished it. For the first time in my life i actually wished so hard for my brother to just die. I was done, i was officialy done , i had never been so done with someone. I was officialy done with my family. I blocked my dad on everything, i told my dad to fuck off. I told my older brother to fuck off. I told my middle brother to go die. And the last person was my dying grandma who was a snob ass piece of shit who only gave a shit about me when i was a little girl ( because its only cute when they r kids  ), to stop trying to call me and told her to just go and die. She literally sent me a voice message of 5 minutes crying beggin me to see her, and i just told her to go and die, its not because she is dying that is gonna erase the fact that she didnt gave a shit about me after i actually grown. And the fact that i did this apparently scared the shit out my dad and brothes, specially because i did it so naturally. AND TO THIS DAY I DONT REGRET WHAT I SAID AND I STILL DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HER. OH AND PLOT TWIST SHES NOT DEAD NOR WAS SHE DYING, LAST YEAR SHE TRIED TO SCHEME MONEY OUT OF MY MOM, AND BEFORE THAT SHE WOULD ALWAYS TREAT MY MOM LIKE SHIT AN CALL HER NAMES, FUNNY ! Now they try to sneak into my life really AGAIN ... ffs Since the end of last year, apparently my brother turned into reiki and yoga and shit and is now driving a motivational fuck page for people who wanna “ grow spiritually and open the third eye “ and is trying to reconnect with me again, obviously i cut him off before he could even talk to me. So he spent 3 months or so , coming here and trying, and since he didnt get anything since january and february hes trying to manipulate me behind my mother, my mother is venting to my brother about me being closed off to them , and my brother is DIAGNOSING ME AS A PROBLEM, BECAUSE HE IS SO WISE AND ENLIGHTED... WTF??? diagnosing me??? ur not a fucking therapist you asshole ! The other day i heard him tell my mother in the living room , that “ SHE CANT LIVE LIKE THIS ITS VERY TOXIC FOR HER, SHE HAS TO TALK TO YOU AND BE A BETTER SISTER AND DAUGHTER SHE NEEDS TO BLAH BLAH YOU NEED TO KICK HER OUT IF SHE IS LIVING OFF YOU  “ WHAT THE FUCK?? im living off my mother?? the woman that forced me to give her more than half of my paycheck, thats doesnt give me privacy or respect and that literally threatned me if i ever tried to leave that she would chase me down???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OR SEND ME TO A MENTAL HOSPITAL????!!!! ... My older brother is doing the same, keeps trying to get me to go visit his kid, and to meet his kid, keeps trying to get my mother to see pictures of the kid or to call them. They keep trying to guilty me “ oh you cant take it out on the kid, its not the kids fault , he needs to know his aunt, you are his family “ BITCH FAMILY?????? FAMILY??? family doesnt mean shit. Yesterday even sent photos of his kid trought a new number LOL. I actually did went to the kids birthday, first time a few months ago, and guess what , my brother still the NO ONE ASKED- OPINIONATED asshole he was about my whole life, he literally takes one glimpse of me and judges my whole life and starts yelling shit at me ...ofc thats not gonna happend again. People dont change. People. dont. change. PEOPLE DONT CHANGE ! BITCH ?? WHAT? WHO THE FCK?? HOW THE FUCK??? In conclusion my brother is still the same piece of shit he was , and now even more narcisistic, and manipulative, he cant get what he wants from me , so now hes resourting to my mother again. I NEED TO LEAVE THIS HOUSE, I NEED TO LEAVE THIS FAMILY OMFG. Funny enough he does this shit then tries to get me to go to his house to celebrate his birthday because he “ MISSES ME AND THE OLD DAYS” ???? OLD DAYS OF YOU MENTALY ABUSING ME ? NOT TO MENTION THAT YOU ALMOST BROKE MY ARM BECAUSE I WOULDNT LEND YOU MY COMPUTER 3 YEARS AGO????? my mom literally told him we were gonna go there without even asking me if i wanted or even if i was gonna go. LOL, shes trying to emotionally manipulate me with older pictures of me and him , and games we would play together LOL. OMFG PLEASE SOME ONE, I DONT EVEN KNOW I NEED TO DIE OMFG... I CANT TAKE THIS FAMILY ANYMORE.

[marauders1971-1978]

Marauders 1971-1972 Chapter 5 Part 2/3

Dear Lily,

I won’t tell mum you were slacking in lessons – but aren’t they very exciting since they’re magic and all that?

Your classmates sound nice. Why do you think I would like Remus so much? Or is it just because he does what he’s told? I’m not some teacher’s pet, you know. Mum’s always saying you shouldn’t cheek your older sister.

That brat James sounds like he needs pushing in the river. I hope your mate Severus isn’t letting him bully you or I’ll be having words. Don’t let them rub off on you. I don’t want you to come home at Christmas a different person.

I’m not going to say sorry for ignoring you because Severus really was a piece of work and I just don’t understand how you could take his side on that but I can’t stay mad at you for so long. You can tell Severus to send me a letter to apologise if he decides he’s going to re-invent himself as a decent human being.

Benjamin was asking after you today. I told him you went to boarding school in Scotland and he was really upset that you didn’t say goodbye. I gave him your address so I expect he’ll write to you. I don’t know what you’re going to tell him about the school, but he really wants to see you at Christmas. You know he gets along with you in a way he just doesn’t with the boys in my year.

He did tell me a secret though. That you went up the heap to the wheel. I won’t tell on you though because I made him take me up there after school on the bikes. You couldn’t get me to climb that thing for love nor money though. It looks alright from the street but standing underneath it I swear it was touching the sky.

The big school is same as always, though now your year’s come in I’m not a little one anymore which is nice. It’s a bit weird seeing your friends and not seeing you though - sometimes I forget you’re away and think things are like last year and I’ll meet you after school. I have to pack my things so quickly and leave early so no one catches me to ask where you are because I don’t know what I would say to them.

Love from Pet.

~*~

Hi Lily,

I didnt believe Petunia when she said youd gone to boarding school but she actually gave me the address so I suppose she must be telling the truth. I cant believe you didnt say goodbye to me. I was looking for you this whole month at school cos I didnt even know you were gone.

The address Petunia gave me was a bit weird. What kind of name for a school is Hogwarts? I cant believe youre all the way in Scotland which is pretty much like being in another country. Do you get to visit anywhere or do you just have to be in school all the time? Is it like the Malory Towers books you and Petunia used to read?

Why are you even there anyway? Why not just come to the big school here? Is it a special school like for really clever kids or what? And how come your parents didnt send Petunia? I just dont get it.

Do you have any friends there?

I really hope I see you at Christmas. It was nice that your sister wanted to play out with me today (she wanted to go to the heap!?) but my old mate Billy (you remember him cos he once stole your pencil) moved away to Leeds and now I kind of have friends but I dont have any really good friends. Not near where I live anyway.

Speaking of, I havent seen that boy that you used to hang around with. You know the one Petunia doesnt like? I cant remember his name it was like Slivius or something weird. But anyway he hasnt been around in ages and usually I see him all the time cos he sort of wanders in the estate but his parents had a massive fight the other day and it must have been outside in the street cos I could hear them from my bedroom window. Dunno what it was about though.

Anyway I miss you loads (even though you didnt say bye to me) and if this isnt a pretend address your sister gave me then please write back I would like to still be friends even though were far away.

Benny.

[jindesignupdates-blog]

Survey on lost

So to post the result of the survey - so thankfully I received 40 responses!! 

HURRAY :) and the responses are interesting to read, and the feeling it gives me fits perfectly the purpose of the project. 

- Knowing others are lost too, and it is okay to be lost and it is a normal thing. So let go a little for now. - 

lost in spaaaaceeee

Below is a summary of the answers and I picked a few interesting ones and edited so that it can go into the ‘LOST BUT NOT LEAST’ coping cards.

What phrases comes up in mind related to lost? (Lost connection, Lost in translation.. etc) 

>  the answers for this can be inspirations for the gifs. 

Lost cause, Lost goal, losing my mind, lost opportunities, lost in thoughts, lost in the world, Lost memory, Lost in space, he is a lost case, get lost, lost yourself, Lost fight, lost and found, lost the battle, Lost in the ocean, Lost in life, Lost in the city, Lost bet, Lost direction, Lost youth, Lost faith, Lost in translation, Lost in time, Lost in the crowd, Lost soul, Lost in your light, Lost hope, Lost track of time, Lost interest, Lost virginity, Lost child, Lost control

What are your stories of losing something? (It can be something funny, interesting for you. You could lost something and found it in an unexpected way, or you could have found another opportunity instead. It can be losing anything - objects, motivation, opportunity..etc)

> The question in the card can change to : You know, other people also lost things. 

So i'm not sure what kind of story i have. But there were one story with my mom. She needed to take a part in conference and from the morning she were trying to find her glasses. After 5-6 hours of search she wasn't able to find it and in panic went to the clinic near our house where you can get glasses. In a hurry she came in and starts to say : I need a new glasses, now, as soon as possible, I lost mines. Everyone in the shop were looking at her for 20 seconds and my mom said: "Why you are looking at me, i need glasses". At this moment everyone started to laugh and one of the workers bringed her mirror. She was laughing and talking about it to everyone next 2 weeks..

I lost amazing watch which I got for my 10th birthday the same day I got it. My parents were so angry and punished me and I was so sad for very long time. Also I didn´t get any other watches from them ever again. They couldn´t be found anywhere. After 10 years, when I was helping my parent to move furniture I found them inside of the flowerpot where they fell from the sofa. They were still going on!

Also, I lost my new iphone 4S 8 years ago. That time it was a big deal to have one and I was saving for it for half a year... So I was pretty desperate. I needed to use my boyfriend´s PC to connect to find my iphone app. I would never use his PC if it was not for this. Instead of iphone I found out (as he left his email open) that he was cheating on me and finally after long unhappy relationship I pack my stuff that day and left him forever. Iphone was never found but I didn´t care anymore anyway.

I lost my wallet after a night out in Korea. I only realised I had done so when the taxi dropped me off outside my apartment and I didn't have any money to pay him. I asked him to take me back to where we started so that i could try and find it but he just swore at me to get out of his taxi. I had a few days of pure stress without my wallet but the wallet was posted to me by whoever had found it with everything still in it. I couldn't believe it. That NEVER would have happened in England.

One time as a child we lost my dog. We looked everywhere for him. Spent hours going up and down the street calling him, and eventually gave up to come home and cry because an escaped dog in the city probably wouldn't survive long. As a last ditch effort after all this I went to check my bedroom closet. There he was, curled up and sleeping cozily on a pile of clean laundry. He hadn't heard a thing.

Sorry, I lost track of all my losses

I lost my virginity in a nightclub in rural Spain and got kicked out of the club after being caught

I actually lost myself for a while in the past when i prioritized the wrong people and vibes in my circle. We live, we learn, then progress (:

I lost very important files for a client and lost a job and money!

Getting drunk, “losing” my wallet, cancelling my bank cards, then finding it in my freezer 3 days later. I must’ve put it in there when I had gone in to get some chicken nuggets.

I once lost the equivalent of 5euros in my cousins home in Serbia. I didnt think much of it as it was only 5euros but my cousin and his mum were so surprised by my reaction. In their eyes these 5euros was worth more than in mine. Later on they found it and gave it back :P just goes to show that not everyone values things equally.

What do you do when you feel lost? Do you have a ritual that works for you? (Take a bath, Take a deep breath, Talk to someone..)

> The question in the card can change to : When I feel lost I__________

look at old pictures to remember who I am.

take a bath, walk and nap. 

go for a walk alone with music.

talk to close friends.

write every thought on the paper.

just keep on stressing out. That’s my ritual.

try to think of activities that would make me feel more as a whole. Usually it’s doing sports, cooking and cleaning. 

go to the nature, that helps me a lot to understand how "small" our problems and egos are in comparison to nature, earth and universe. 

read the letter I wrote to myself few years ago with priorities and aims I want to reach in my life. 

usually feel depressed so I go to mountains for a walk to clean my mind, usually during night. 

normally go on a long walk somewhere whilst listening to sad music. 

take time alone to gather myself, take a shower, relax, maybe go for a walk - anything that helps me think without distractions.

talk to fiends or do stretching or  some other sport which helps to clear mind and then go back to thinking about the issue.

just try to focus on something different for a moment, chill, watch a tv series and drink some wine.

Sleep.

breathe and calm down and try to be rational, see what caused it and think about what to do next.

try to breathe and watch a lot of Netflix.

always call my mom and just have a nice chat, she always helps me find myself.

remind myself of how lucky I truly am by being healthy, fed, warm and free to choose my path.

hold my knees and cry in the shower if it’s a bad loss and sing in the shower if it’s a good one.

enjoy the very rare feeling of loss of control and just wander around spontaneously.

have a high speed walk. If it doesn’t help I talk to some of my closest relatives or friends.

try to tell myself things are better now.

meditate, exercise and google “how not to fee lost” hundreds of times.

get lost! I spend my time alone; free of counteractions.

take time for myself and enjoy tea or coffee in a cafe while sketching.

play certain type of music.

first try to solve it by myself but that usually doesn't work so I tend to talk to people about it to hear different opinions.

Freak out. Calm down. Drink. Repeat.

talk to friends I can trust and drink.

meet my amazing group of friends :)

am not the most religious person but usually when I lose hope completely i try my best to pray more.

listen to music, cry and seek out friendly faces.

stop, take a deep breath and look for anything familiar.

need cold air, smoke and cigarettes.

frequently have deep talks with my friends and I believe they are incredibly valuable to me.

exercise, get out the house and do something, act with purpose.

Sleep. It washes all the feelings away. Or... take a walk with my dog, have some relaxing time with him.

talk out loud out

do something fun like painting, watching a movie, creating something, reading.. etc..) 

do physical activity to get my mind off it like dancing swimming 

travel somewhere where I've never been before

cry until there's no tears left, if nothing helps I wait it out and move on until the feeling fades.

What do you do when you lose something?

> The question in the card can change to : When I lose something I __________

remember it forever. literally, and not even on purpose, I can remember every time I lost something special, most because I am still mad at myself about it.

freak out, and then try to start searching with a clean mind.

 accept the fact, because I believe it was supposed to happen.

write down and think about what i can do.

am probably sad for a bit.

panic then regroup and figure out a way to gain it back.

try to figure out where I used it the last time. If I lose a game, I'm usually a bad loser.

recall from the memory every step I did before I realize where I actually put the thing. If I don't remember, I just wait for a miracle that it will appear on the most visible place or when I am cleaning my working table.

call mum.

am angry, because I don´t want to waste time searching. First I search for it in very disorganized way, but if it doesn’t work I calm down, and think step by step where the thing can be and in which moment I saw it last time.

I go step by step back in time and try to find it. When it is a person, I feel really depressed, this puts me into a box with my memories combined with my imagination where I can spend time with that person, this can be also triggered by place or objects which reminds me of that person. When it is job, or some opportunity I just go over it and become more motivated to find a even better job/opportunity.

Get angry and stress the fuck out for a bit before just becoming dejected and sad.

think back to where I might have left it. I think of all the normal places it might be, then run through the list of places I might have put it and forgot.

try to fix it first and then just cope/accept it

Momentarily - look for it retracing my steps. Truly lost - I get angry.

go to the same place where I last had it, try to recreate the same situation. Sometimes works, sometimes doesn't.

do nothing.

am stubborn so I search until I find it :)

depending on how valuable it is to me I either get sad and look for it everywhere or i just let it go.

try to find it.

ask my girlfriend where it is or my mum for advice.

buy and replace. If not possible, mourn the loss.

internally battle out the opposing feelings of possessiveness versus learning to let go. Meaning, I fume for a couple of seconds until my mind gets captivated by a random shiny object and I forget.

blame myself :)

try to replace it

smile

mention a verse from the Quraan. In other words, I mention God first, then start looking for answers second.

have a hard time coping with it if it’s a real life person but if it’s a material thing i don’t bother that much! No need to stress.

swear profusely

usually just call myself dumb and then try to go back through the things I've done since I last saw the thing.

start looking for it like crazy

tell myself that I will try not to lost something again

usually forget about it the next day if they are things I don’t really sweat that much.

keep calm and look for it.

tear the whole house up. Then cry, take a deep breath and start the process again. It’s usually where I looked first.

pat myself down, also imagine a headless chicken running around. That’s a pretty close description of what I look like.

usually debate the ups and downs and what I can do to retrieve this thing. Maybe even debate whether the thing lost needs retrieving. Generally a long mental conversations with myself.

go back through how I lost it, let it go after a while.

panic. Haha. I try to remember what was I doing when I lost it.

[ellerevelle]

copy paste journal entry 4

one year later

October 20th, 2016

im jealous

when you seem fine to go to a party, when it comes across that you dont "need" me to go with you,

when i try to find you at a show but you had a fine time on your own regardless of my presence,

that people recognize you

that you make amazing music and are constantly having ideas and writing

and people want to be a part of it like taylor and ida and its a talking point and something to have in common with people

im jealous. that you are confident in your abilities at work, that youve found your creative outlet and feel the desire to work on it all the time, that you know people in this town and people know you. that youre comfortable in your humor and your tastes and how you dress and you know your way around town and know where things are and just...

you seem to have it together and i'm jealous, and taking out that jealousy on you because i'm not there, and im just scared. and i tell you all the time how i feel and... you dont really express as accutely when youre down or blue, you zen it out or just carry on with the casual day. and i'm not really on that level, not yet or maybe i'll never handle things the way you do.

but that doesnt mean its fair that i make you feel like youre never doing enough. i'm setting a christmas list of expectations because... im jealous of you and your "fine"ness. i want you to feel so fine, above fine, that youre able to scoop me up and teach me that all the shit im freaking myself out with isnt real.

but then, youre a human. and maybe you seem fine to me, but inside youve got all the same swirlings of doubt and fear. and now im adding to it by what looks to you as blowing things out of proportion. and from my side youre downplaying.

so what do we do. i wish you'd share more. i feel less lonely if i know youre going through stuff too. but... what if thats not your style? what if you dont like talking about the down stuff because it gives it more fuel in your mind? i feel like that sometimes too. like the more i talk about bad stuff... well, the more im thinking about it and feeling it and its then all i can think about. i understand why you zen things out with music or moto, and where the stress comes in when either of those things arent working out as planned.

i wanted to see you at that show because im worried we dont have a whole lot in common. but when we touch or laugh or smile at each other and bop, we lose pretenses and just enjoy the moment. very present. at least thats how it is for me, and thought for you, so when you were indifferent after the show i felt a bit shattered. i thought i was setting up a great chance to connect, but failed. and had already felt like a failure for not going to that party. for not progressing at barre. for not hearing anything about my resume. for just... not being a real Person in Austin the way youre a real Person.

I'm afraid I'm not interesting enough, not sharp enough with wit or jokes, I dont even have the prowess of cooking to impress you with now that youre doing it solo (which I'm so fucking proud of you btw but definitely kinda miss having that gold star) and I want to still cook together, to feel like its a date and not a chore.

I love that you asked me about my collages for your album cover, and that you vented to me the other day about work. I love to see you confident about moto parts, or at least confident about learning them. but then if ever a glimmer of money or time comes in, doubt soaks its way through, your voice changes into a drained man.

cant sleep in because today needs to be 8 hours to pay for the recording session, that barely 12 hours ago was a great thing! but now its a chore? fuck, man.

I dont want to be another chore. I want you to see me ... as a cleansing of the chore. or someone to work things through with. or even do literal chores with.

I've lost my train of thought intention ...

and i think back to when you talked to me about struggling with depression when you were younger

and you seem to have compartmentalized it so much. i talk about my shit all the time, how it strings together and lingers sometimes. echoes. old bruises.. that sort of thing.

but you allude to having attempted suicide before, which is huge... and to therapy, did you even tell me you went to a rehab thing? and yet like... it doesnt come up. which i respect, but... i duno. i want to know more. even your divorce, you never ever talk about it. about the past. you hardly talk about the past and thats ALL thats on my mind these days in my own world.

is it to cope?

we're such different people, I fear.

I am so very proud of my past, shit and all. I hate it but I wear it and all the emotions that come along very boldly and probably too obviously. at least until I can figure them out better.

i just lost the most reassuring presence in my life. even when it was bullshit grandiose lies, shed reassure me. "ill never be as pretty as so and so" "you hush youre the most beautiful girl in the world"

even though she and i lost our relationship over time, that way, i still wasnt ready to lose that soother. that teacher. that support.

ive always looked for reassuring people. teachers bosses, even the nod of someone flirting with me was (in my dilluded mind) reassurance i was doing something right.

so when youre confident. when YOU have plans. when YOU have vision, and I dont... I want to see myself in your voice. I want to hear you want me there. I dont assume it. I assume that youre fine either way. which in reality i know you are. but ... i can think im special til the cows come home, but im still alone. but if YOU think im special... If i matter to your day... if confident YOU sees something in ME. then i remember to see something in ME. its just the right momentum to get me out away from the devil on my shoulder telling me im worthless.

now that sounds codependent. fuck.

i just... why do i feel alone even when were together? because you sit there doing life any old way, with me or without. makes no difference. do i have to get used to that?

i guess just... i want a bold force. bolder than myself. i want a leader. someone whos strength reminds me of my own. reminds me to have fun with this life.

and a lot of the time i just feel like you need to be single.

not to be with other women, but just to be with yourself. to stretch your limbs and be a man of this world and do your projects and just... be. without another person around.

because i need you. and i dont really think you like it. when im complaining or saying you did this wrong or that not enough or why didnt you this that this that... its because i need you and ... yea. whatever you were thinking or not thinking, wasnt enough. or was wrong. in my book.

my anxiety makes things you think are irrational completely and utterly real to me. normal life things, every day things that every one goes through and deals with become gigantic make-or-break moments. i cant deny that a lot of that is due to the recent trauma of mom's addiction, various times i had the choice to call 911 and didnt... literal make or break things that i fucked up. and also with moving away from philly. leaving thigns that seemed blah, but now that im away i wonder if ive severed ties that i cant return to. if ill ever be relevant anywhere, enough so to matter, to make a difference or impact. choices that seem black and white but spill into giant oceans of grey and chess pieces scatter... so when you ask me how my day is, i cant really answer with the truth that i was so crippled by feeling like an idiot imposter that i gave up on trying to park my car at a fucking coffee shop and drove away crying thinking that the patrons outside were watching me fail in my big clunky car and laughing at me. and that i cried harder thinking about the fact that i dreaded going back to my apartment empty handed, having wasted time and effort and just... failed at trying to do ANYTHING with my day.

so i keep quiet and when something goes iffy between us, like the show last night, or like... us hanging out and you roll over and dont touch me or say anything when you go to sleep at all... i assume youre mad at me. or i act cold until you ask me whats wrong and express my insecurities in the shape of "YOU did this wrong, why didnt YOU do that, etc" when really i just...

wish things were different. i wish i was different, i wish you knew how to fit the bill i need.

and im afraid the more i say, the more i struggle with myself, the less you'll like me. that motorcycle thing, target fixation.

you see whats wrong with me, and then i TALK EVEN MORE about what i think is wrong with me... then you probably see that too. when i know youve got your own personal stuff happening and im sure i dont fit the bill you perfectly need either.

you want the carefree traveling girl you met.

well... i stopped traveling for you. im worried both dont exist simultaneously.

who knows.

i feel less mature than you. but i also think youre more stubborn than me. youre patient but in different ways. we're both conceded but in different ways.

i wonder, if given the chance, if we'd hate each other in a different dimension. a parallel world.

and in another, if we'd ever EVER even meet or notice each other.

you stood out to me, and still do, because of how you care for me. and accepted me from the start as a person and not a sexy girl or a commodity or a person to know to get ahead or any of the barbary popularity contest crap brainwashed me to believe.

i admire your drive and your shine and how you can fix things and learn things and are sweet and goofy and care about your mom and just...

i wish we'd met a different way.

i wish i hadnt been drinking.

i wish i'd seen you on stage first. or working somewhere. or out doing an activity.

i wish i'd had to try to impress you. i wish it was more of a chase to get to know you. to vie for your time.

i dont know why. i just... i think i like to rise to the occasion. i want to see who i can be when trying to impress you. because often, i impress myself. and am proud of myself. and THAT shows.

That showed when we met. i was proud of myself because i love traveling alone.

but now im here, and i feel aimless and im not proud of myself... and i dont quite know what to show you.

when we talked about Carrie... i was SO proud of myself for finding a cool theme point to talk about. it felt like college again. like i had found a point that impressed my professor. i felt smart. like i'd scored a three point shot.

i know that led to our sex being so good. at least in my mind.

i miss that fucking FIRE. and i know its something i have to find in myself. but im kindof afraid when i do... someone else will have helped me get there. and i worry that thats what i want. i want a teacher. i NEED to be stimulated. i NEED someone to notice when i dont show up to class. To feel a gap in the debate when i'm not there to chime in. to hear a difference in the choir without me.

so when youre fine. when you dont think twice about me not going to the party. or when youre not really phased when we dont link up at a show i specifically asked you to come to.

it really really bothers me. it makes me want to keep that power from you, the power i feel when i AM proud of myself.

i believe we give the best of our selves to people we feel deserve it. and i hate that this has become a tit for tat of deserving. when youre weird or lame or quiet, i dont want to have sex with you. but i know sex for you triggers a sense of connection and you treat me better and are happier to see me and be affection with me after we have sex, because that assures you i desire you and thats validating and boosts you, so youre happier and then youre nice. and then i feed off that and im nice and we're fine.

but when you suck, i dont want to sleep with you.

and often, if i dont sleep with you, you think i suck.

chicken or the egg.

we've talked about this but i think we're still chasing our tails.

i think we both have depression, i think i talk about it too much and i think you talk about it too little.

i think we both need a hobby that requires physical activity, and/or one that involves doing it together.

i thought cooking could be that, but... i duno. it'll ebb and flow.

group scenarios.

i want to matter to you.

i dont do a whole lot without you. and sometimes i fear that if i do, youre gonna feel left out. oooor that itll come back and bite me, like if i prioritize hanging out with staci or nelson or michelle and dont hang out with you or invite you, itll be crappy later on.

which is unrealistic to think about if we're gonna make this last. of COURSE were gonna have other friends.

ah, my brain just twisted down the other long term thing.

it really bothers me that you dont have the father gene.

its a huge warm fuzzy puppy when a man is good with kids. expresses posi vibes about children, even about being a teacher or a coach or paling around. its a vibe, either there or its not. and with you, i think youve clearly stated kids arent in the cards for you. and that appears to me like a literal wall of sharp, shiny obsidian black. dark like your eyes when youre angry or disappointed in me. i do not like that darkness. same way theres a dreaded tone you get in your voice sometimes. that tone, and the black eyes, i fear them because i lose you. you drift away, cut away, either back to someone i didnt know before we met, someone you were before, past life that is still there like an id, or someone thats there all along and just doesnt come out into the light often, but is there under that curly dark hair. im not sure which i fear more.

even now, so many pieces are swimming around. longing, disappointment, wishing youd be more, wishing i needed less, wishing i could see you purely without "need", worrying im not enough for you, worrying im not seeing your depression, wishing youd talk to me more, wondering if youre mad, wondering if youre sad, if youre stewing, if you want to leave me. that im too stubborn, that ive hurt you before and am now still on you about all this shit.

i havent been a good girlfriend. ive emotionally cheated and had shitty untrustworthy conversations and here i am still complaining that youre not doing it right.

which is freaky. because youre clearly an awesome motherfucker and have put up with a lot when, if the tides were turned, i probably wouldve left.

but why have i done these things. why did i cry out for attention in those ways, and STILL if i dont get the attention i need from you, i cry out to you. get on your shit about it. im not satisfied. i think my actions have made that clear.

but what do i do.

every time i hear something outside i wonder if youre here.

but why would you come here, why would you come to me if youre mad.

i wonder if youre at your place feeling in the right and thinking im in the wrong. thinking of reasons to leave me.

i know i need to be more humble and learn, and mature. but what if these instincts and urges to complain are telling us we're not right for each other.

itd suck. but what if? or what if its just that we're young and its supposed to be hard and we've gotta stick it out?

how the fuck are we supposed to know the answers to these things? im not interested in looking for another you :( no ones known me like you.

sometimes you make me feel like im not smart enough or deep enough for you. like youve accepted me but i havent accepted you.

i have a lot to learn. this needs to be picked back up upon another time.

[lightyears-domum-blog]

The beginning...1

Ugh, before i start, i just want to put it out there that my friends put me up to this… Normally this is the part of the story where the author says somthing along the lines of “there was a human, they thought they were normal… but they were about to find out the truth.” Typical story opener right? Well I am not an author, and to be honest, I kind of suck a writing. So instead I will just tell you like it is:

Hi, my name is Ash. Just ash. Nothing else. I am 36 years old, I am male, I am gay, I am transgender, I am an Aquarius. I like to draw, and go on adventures. I also love to star gaze and imagine what it would be like to travel to the stars and planets. Normal stuff, nothing special. I am an average guy, working and paying the bills. Trying to scrape out a living on this god forsak-

“Ash what are you doing?”

“Ummm, writing the story you all insist I write?”

“Let me see…” quickly skims over the paper. “What is this?!”

“What? I suck a writing! I told you this!”

Breathes in deeply and sighs. “Alright. Just, hold off until I get back from training the troops and I will help you write it…” I smiled really big when he said this.

“Sweet cookies! Thank you love!” He rolled his eyes at me and waved as he left out tent.

“You are hopeless sometimes leisthar.”

“But you still love me!” I stuck my tongue out at him and he left. well, I guess I have the afternoon off! And I don’t have to write this stupid thing! Hell yeah! Bye!

———

I had thought to start afresh and leave out what Ash had written, but in the end i decided to leave it. it gives you a glimpse into who he is, A quick peek into his personality, so to say. He has two major sides to him; a playful non-stop joking side you only see when he gets to know you well, the other is very reserved, very quiet, and very respectful. And seeing as how he is not taking this task seriously, I will be stepping in to write down the events that have led him, and myself, to this point.

Earth is a rather small planet filled with, according to the ministry, primitive lifeforms known as humans. Humans are considered lesser beings, and are seen as more of a working animal rather than an intelegent species. There is one thing about humans that make them the subject of many scientists studies; their DNA is easy to manipulate. Since it is simple and uncoplex compared to most other beings, they are prime targets for genetic manipulation of all kinds, from all different advanced races in the universe. This, as you may, or may not, have guessed by now, is where Ash’s story comes in.

Ash had been running errands all day, grabbing groceries, toiletries, paying bills. It was his only day off and he was making the most of it. He stopped in the local shoe store to purchase a new pair of sneakers, his old ones were fraying and had large holes. This would not have bothered him so much, were he still living in his old home town. There it was dry and hardly ever rained, so holes in your shoes were not such a big problem.

Here though, here it rained, A LOT. And not just a nice drizzle, no, the heavens seemed to open while the atmosphere collapsed, and the sky would fall to the earth. That kind of rain, huge unavoidable puddles; So new shoes were nessasary. He handed the clerk 45 dollars, took his change and went to his truck to try on his new black and red stripped sneakers.

“Ohhhh!” He said slipping them onto his feet, he threw the old worn pair into the back seat. “These are much nicer! Mmmhmmm! Comfy on my feet!” Wiggling his toes inside them he put the key into the ignition and started the old Chevy. It roared to life with a few protesting squeals from the engine. Ash looked left, then right, before pulling out of the parking spot.

“Drivin’ down the road! Gonna go home and eat some food!” He sang to himself as he pulled out of the parking lot and onto the freeway heading back to his apartment. He checked the time, it was only 2:45 in the afternoon. Plenty of time to relax before his sister and her boyfriend came home from work. He had recently moved in with them when he was looking to get out of his old town. His sister had offered for him to move in with her. Not only was it convinent for him, it would help them out with bills and food.

So, Ash packed up his stuff and drove 15 hours to his sisters. It was an interesting change for him, he had lived in his home town his whole life. Sure he had traveled to different places, but never lived anywhere else. It took him quite a while to get used to the new humid climate, the different culture, the lack of his favorite foods. But there was work out here, he did not have to struggle to pay his bills . That, in and of itself, made the new place tolerable for the time being.

Ash drove down the road singing loudly to Steam Powered Girrafe’s newest song ‘I don’t think there’s a name for it.’ his latest song obsession. The cars around him were flying past him going well over the speed limit. He didn’t mind, he was in no hurry to be anywhere today. As he pulled off the freeway and onto the side street that lead to his apartment complex, Ash noticed someone sitting on the side of the road.

They were wrapped up in so many layers you could not even see their face. It looked as though they had 15 different hoodies on, each larger and larger to accomidate the layers underneath. The hoods of all were pulled up over the persons face, shrouding it in darkness. They were also wearing layers and layers of sweat pants, again each increasing in size, white dirty shoes, and thick mittens. They had a shopping cart overflowing with cans, paper, and other scraps of what seemed to be garbage.

The person didnt move a mucile as he drove past them. It was strange to see this in the middle of summer, but ash had seen stranger things in his lifetime, so he paid it no mind. He pulled into the parking lot and parked in his usual spot, four slots down from his door. He saved the front row parking for his sister and her boyfriend. Not because he had to though, he didn’t mind walking 10 extra feet to the front door.

Ash looped his arms through every grocery bag, making him look like a strange bird with heavy wings, and quickly hobbled to the front door before the weight of the food became to much for him. He fumbled with the key until it finally slid home, quickly unlocking the door, he let it hang open, while he rushed to the kitchen to gently drop everything in front of the fridge with a huge sigh.

“Jesus moses! Food is friken heavy sometimes!” He commented to himself as he went back to the door to shut it. Rounding the corner ash nearly jumped out of his skin, simotaniously letting out a shriek. The strange person covered head to toe in layers of clothing was standing in the doorway.

“Holy crap man! You scared the shit out of me!” Ash said laughing nervously, his heart was beating a thousand miles a minute. “Can I help you? Do you need food or water?” He asked, ready to give the person anything they may have needed. The stranger just stood there, not moveing, it didn’t even look like they were breathing.

“Hello?” Ash cautiously moved around to stand in front of the hooded person. “If you don’t need anything then you need to leave.” This caused the head of the person to lift suddenly, Ash flinched at the unexpected motion. He could not see the face under all those layers, but the feeling of the strangers eyes boreing into him was undeniable. Fear ran through ash like lightning, then was quickly followed by hot fury.

“I am dead serious, you need to get the fuck out of my house before I either escort your ass out, or call the cops! Your choice.” He was not quite yelling, but he was speaking loud enough that he was sure the neighbors could hear him if they were home. Still the stranger did not move, they just continued to stare at him from deep within the darkness of the many hoods they wore. Ash had had enough, keeping his eyes on the intruder he walked over to the knife block and grabbed the first thing he felt. It was a small serrated steak knife, good enough to scare anyone out of the house.

The stranger followed his movements, tuning their head slowly. When Ash grabbed the knife and pointed it at them the intruder advanced. They were fast, much faster than Ash had time to process or react to. he only had time to shout 'fuck!’ Before the intruder had the hand with the knife wrenched up behind his back, and the other hand squeezing Ash’s throat so hard tears began to form in his eyes. Dark blotches spread from the edges of his vision as he rapidly lost contiousness. The last thought he had before passing out was 'you have got to be fucking kidding me with this bull shit.’ Then the world went black.