#when i was young i sought being told i'm valid because my environment told me i wasn't...

[highlordofkrypton]

Re: romantic affection

@peoplesidk, I'm gonna reply to your question here instead of reblogging bc I prefer just having mutuals see. This got long, I'm so sorry, you don't have to read the whole things.

I don't mind expanding on my second point, I'm not sure if it's relatable because it's 100% my personal issues that I am working through slowly but surely. I just hope that if anyone sees this (since it's public, and esp if they're not my mutuals!), they have the empathy to understand that it's not a debate, it's personal, if you know what I mean. BUT if it does help someone, then this is why I'm reblogging!!

tw: trauma dump? kind of?

So, I was raised in an environment that I didn't even know was considered "abusive" and or "neglectful" until much later in life when I found out I was depressed and sought help at school w/ their free therapy. Also, I still don't think it was that abusive or neglectful, some of it was just two people doing the best they can with the tools they had in an unfamiliar place.

Context:

I have no siblings, I am the eldest child born in a 'first world country' to the 'eldest child' of my mother's family (and my father was the first of his family to come here as well). Both of them achieved amazing things in helping their numerous siblings get a better life, etc. That said, not only was I parentified (bc they did not speak the main language here well enough to understand any official documents) as a child, but I was held to a standard that I needed to lead the cohort, achieve more and do it alone.

My parents raised me from a young age telling me 'you are alone, you have no siblings, we will not be around to help you' in the sense that anything can happen. Plus, they were generally absent, working multiple jobs to make ends meet and I was... alone. Most of my childhood memories is being alone, tbh.

Add in the fact that I think my mother was bullied most of her life, and took that out on me (and still does, but eh, I can take care of myself I don't listen anymore). It kind of fucked up the way my brain works.

I have certain beliefs about myself that are very contradictory to the way I move in the world.

I'm a shitty and nasty person vs. many people in my life, and even people I cross on a day to day basis, think I'm genuinely wonderful, positive and appreciate having me around. I do go out of my way to be kind, but I don't feel kind.

I'm fat, ugly, disgusting vs. literally nobody I know thinks that, and many of my close friends think I'm super in shape, I'm just not leaned out (think curvy and strong)

I cannot trust anyone to take care of me vs. I'm allowed to pause and not have to manage everything -- I only learned this year that I can ask my girlfriends to plan brunch, it doesn't have to be me all the time.

I have not earned the right to be loved (and the counter of 'merit of love' is reset with each interaction) vs. I don't have to do anything to be worthy of affection, I can just ... exist?

On the same point, I do not know how to exist in a way that isn't fearing that anyone in my life can turn on me at any moment, so I have learned not to bother being vulnerable + being vulnerable makes me a burden. I am not accomplishing my task of exceeding, accomplishing, leading the way.

(Also, my first and last relationship was super traumatic, so I don't think love is real at this point.)

THAT SAID, sorry for the long trauma dump, there's a point, I swear. In the examples above, you'll see that my negative and toxic thoughts are invalidated by the wonderful people in my life. I'm not relying on them to 'fix me' or combat my toxic thought processes, but ever since I moved out (and I work from home), I'm alone more often than not. I don't want to always rely on my friends to have to reset my brain.

I am told I do fantastic things, but I do not believe it. I am programmed to exceed, or perform well enough in a lot of things I do, but I seek validation, so it comes off as me begging for attention when 'I already know I'm good'. So, I can't help but wonder if a part of me longing for anyone who is kind, and who's interests align with mine, is just me kind of... wanting that 'peace of mind' because someone does love me enough to want to spend a lot of time with me.

I just think it'd be really nice to feel like someone cares enough about me (as a person and not the things I can do for them), but I don't think that's romantic attraction at all. It's just one soul yearning not to be lonely? Do I even have the capacity anymore to let someone in like that? Who knows.

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, MIGHT DELETE THIS LATER I'M KIND OF EMBARASSED NOW

[uncanny-tranny]

Trans people, please don't rely on other people to tell you if your experiences or identity is valid.

It is a very human thing to seek understanding and validation (humans are social creatures and whatnot), but seeking people to tell you that who you are is valid places a ton of power in others. What happens when somebody tells you that they don't think you're valid?

And at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if your identity is "valid" or not to other people. What matters is if your identity suits you. You aren't a robot who lives at the behest of others, who can change the core of your being at the drop of a hat. You will continue to exist as you are with or without validation and with or without permission.

[bouttogolinkurbitch]

Forever and Always: Grayson Dolan

Mentions of death, it’s a car crash. Suggestions of smut. Also really fucking sad. I cried a lot and got a nosebleed while writing lmao strap in sorry for errors my loves <3

Tags:

@platinumgrayson

@graicin

@rockstardolan

@doltishdolans

@dolanoodle

@joeyskinnyleg

@cheesygrayson

@dimply-dolan

@grayson-dolans-dangly-earring

@deluxedolans

@goldendolans

@jellyfishdolan

@chaaandlaah

@dimply-dolan

@dolayn

@kissdolans

@dolanswhore

@graysonsscruff

@kara-dolan

@dolandreaminn

@sisterdolan

☀️☁️☁️☀️

not my edit, credits to Grayson’s insta, bless you bub

College wasn't for me. School definitely wasn't my thing. But here I was, in college, more fucking school, to become a professional writer. Ever since I was a kid I had wanted to publish books, something millions of people would see, and I sought out to achieve that goal in the next ten years. My entire life was a check list. Graduate high school, took forever but I did it! Get a dog named Wiggles, accomplished when I was six. Have sex for the first time, did at the young age of seventeen to a boy who smelled of deli meat and exotic mustards. We don't talk about him. Now, the next hurdle was college.

I was two years down, nose deep in my studies for a chemistry class- why do I need chemistry to write- when my door opened. Adrianna, my beloved roommate and only real friend, stood with a maroon halter dress over her arm. "You need to start getting ready! We leave in half an hour!" I dropped my pencil as I looked at her, my brows drawing together. "Ready for what? I got a chem test to study for." Her eyes rolled and she stepped into my room, before she took my textbook. "No. No studying tonight! It's Friday, Y/N. Friday!" I sat up on my bed before I shimmed off and stood in front of her. "So your validation for me going to a party is that it's Friday?" She huffed and shoved the dress into my arms. "No, tonight, you're gonna meet your soulmate."

I stood next to Adrianna, who wore a deep purple velvet dress and strappy white heels. "You're going to meet my best friend and practical brother Ethan! And then you'll meet his actual brother, twin brother, Grayson." I nodded and followed her through the crowd of sweaty bodies. I didn't want to be here. Partying in college wasn't on my list of things I wanted to do. Although, being outside of the dorm, and in a new environment made the adrenaline rush. Nerves racked my body, but for once, they were good nerves.

We approached to identical bodies, both holding drinks in their opposite hands, and both were facing two girls and guy. "Ethan!" Adrianna said cheerfully, the one on the right turned and smiled widely. My eyes widened and I looked at Adrianna. "Hey Ade." Ethan said before he hugged her. I stood silently before she laughed and put her arm around my shoulder, "Guys, this is Y/N!"

"I'm Ethan, and this is my twin Grayson." I waved at them both before Adrianna chuckled. "This is Erin, Kaylynn, and Bryant!" I smiled, "I would introduce myself but Adrianna already did." Bryant laughed before he smiled, "What do you major in?" I smiled before Adrianna led me closer to the group, "I'm trying to become an author. We're thriving." I teased and Erin giggled. "You're gonna fit in well, Y/N! Come have a drink with me and Kaylynn!" She cheered before she tugged me by my wrist, along with Kaylynn who had yet to speak, towards the bar.

The next morning, I woke with deep bruises on my neck and collarbone. I was laying in my bed with last night's attire still on. Sweat clung to my body like a second skin, and I felt sick to my stomach. I rolled over to grab at my phone. Whoever took me home was a literal angel, and put my phone on the charger. I checked the time to see it was well past nine in the morning, which meant only one thing. That huge chemistry test had already happened and I was failing that class now.

I let my head rest against my desk in my literature class. I was far too hung over from last night to even think about knowledge. With a sigh, I slumped against my palm. "This seat taken?" My eyes widened and I looked up to see Ethan? Or Grayson? I couldn't remember the difference between the two. "Ethan or Gray?" I muttered as he slid into the wooden seat. With a laugh he pulled out his notebook and pencil.

"Grayson. You can tell the difference because Ethan would never take a class over the English language. He and Adrianna spend most of their time together so he takes early morning classes anyway." He spoke as he took a sip of his coffee. "How are you not fucked from last night?" I groaned as I looked to my notebook, doodling on the paper. "Don't drink." I nodded with pursed lips, "I could imagine how clumsy you'd get." He laughed and looked at me through his lashes, "Oh yeah?" I smiled and nodded as I scribbled over the terribly drawn eyebrow. "Definitely."

Lit suddenly had a meaning. Mr. Loyd was probably the most annoying professor in existence, but English became easy with Grayson. Any time we learned a new subject, Grayson would help me study. Study dates became very regular for us. Loyd couldn't teach but he sure could give a test. I let my head fall into my palms as I groaned. Grayson sat across from me with his book on his lap. Take out containers littered the coffee table, as well as coffee cups. I rubbed at my eyes before I looked at him. "If I have to read this text one more time, I'll fucking scream!" I whined.

Grayson pouted before he put the book on the floor. "What can I do to relax you?" I sighed and pouted back, before I looked at him, "Would you rub my back?" He smiled slightly and nodded before he reached behind and got a throw pillow off the couch. After fluffing it, he laid it on his thighs and looked at me expectedly. I laid across the floor with my head on his legs before I lifted my shirt slightly. He started to scratch way to hard and I whined. "Soft Gray, like you're barley there." He wordlessly scratched softer, making my eyes slide shut. "Perfect." I muttered. Soon he was rubbing my back and shoulders in a slight massage. I felt as if I was in heaven.

I woke up the next morning in my bed, tucked securely under my blankets. Beside my phone, a note sat with my name scribbled on the front. Grayson wrote saying he tucked me in and wished me good luck on the test. I grabbed my phone to check the time. It was eleven thirty which meant I had half an hour to get to my test. I quickly got up and changed before I brushed my teeth. With my hair thrown up in a bun, sweats low on my hips, and Uggs, I got my keys and phone, leaving for the stupid fucking test.

Grayson looked so good when I came him. He was wearing jeans and a fluffy looking sweater. I slid in my seat behind him, wearing an over sized hoodie he left at my house. "Morning, Y/N. Brought you a coffee and bagel with cream cheese." He said as he put a bag and cup on my desk. I looked up at him with my tired eyes and a lazy smile. "I love you. Wow." I said before I dug the delicious bagel from the bag and took a bite. "Holy fuck!" I exclaimed. Several people turned and looked at me, glaring. I snorted and took another bite before I fell back into my seat. "You're a godsend, Grayson Dolan." I muttered through a mouthful of bagel. He just smiled and laughed before Mr. Loyd came in.

We were all sitting around Adrianna's room. Ethan and Grayson were bickering over hockey, before I got a notification on my phone. "Gray! Our tests were graded!" I said excitedly before I went to check. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched him do the same. "Did you get above an eighty percent?" He asked as he looked to me. I nodded with a huge smile. "On three! One, two, three! I got a ninety!" I squealed. He cheered, "I got a ninety five! I'm proud of us!" He said before he pulled me in to a hug. Our other friends clapped for us before Bryant held up his camera, "Pose, my A students!" Grayson pulled me against his side and held up a thumbs up. I smiled widely and the flash went off, signaling the picture was taken.

"Y/N!" Erin squealed as we were chased by Adrianna and Kaylynn. "I'm gonna get you, Y/N!" Adrianna yelled as she hurled the water balloon at my back. I laughed before I ducked behind Ethan. The water balloon landed on his chest and he groaned. Grayson laughed at his side and I quickly moved behind him as Kaylynn ran closer. "Hide me!" I yelped as I clung to him. He turned slightly, "Jump!" I did as told and he grabbed my legs before he ran with me across the yard. All the balloons that were thrown missed us by centimeters.

I laughed by his ear as I wrapped my arms around his shoulders. His hands cupped my thighs in the best way and I felt my cheeks heat up. "You can put her down now, Gray!" Bryant joked as he snapped a picture of us. I giggled before I slid off his back and Erin ran to me. I caught her in my arms before I giggled, "You're awful energetic this morning." I spoke as I carried her towards the pool. We had all flown to Jersey to Ethan and Grayson's parents house. She slid into a pool chair beside Kaylynn, who had finally warmed up to me. Adrianna was laid out on a towel, her arms crossed under her chin, as she soaked up the sun. I settled beside Erin on the chair as I laid back, attempting to get a tan.

"I'm so happy you all have befriended my boys." Lisa said as she laid down a plate of sandwiches she and Sean had made for dinner. I smiled before I said a quick, "Thank you." She nodded to me and winked before they both sat down. "So, you all met at a party last year? It's taken a year to meet your friends, boys?" Sean asked and Grayson groaned. "We didn't drink, dad. They did. And yeah, it's hard flying six people across the country." I felt my cheeks heat up and Sean chuckled. "You a lightweight, Y/N?" My brows shot up and right as I was about to say no, Grayson cut in and said, "Yes, yes she is." Everyone laughed and I rolled my eyes before I took a sip of my water.

"A little birdie told me his twin has a crush on you." Kaylynn sang as she, Erin, Adrianna, and myself sat around the guest bedroom I was staying in. "Doubt it, Kay." I spoke as I got on to the bed beside Erin. She laid her head against my arm as we faced Kaylynn. Adrianna laid at our feet with her head on my butt as a pillow. In the beats of silence, my phone buzzed with a text.

you up

"It's from Gray." Erin said as she handed me my phone. I read the text and typed back a quick,

yeah why?

All the girls were watching. "Told you." Kaylynn spoke before my phone buzzed again,

can you come to my room?

I looked at Erin and she smiled, "Go get your boy."

I knocked on Grayson's door softly before I heard him shuffle behind the door. I smiled at him and he smiled back before he led me in. With a bounce, I sat on his bed, before I crawled up to the pillows and I snuggled in. "You caught me at a bad time, Gray. I'm awful tired." Grayson smiled as he got in bed next to me. His face was so very close to mine, and we were both staring at each other, so me taking in every detail became less awkward.

I felt his hand on my pajama clad hip as he shifted closer. "Tell me if I'm reading it wrong, Y/N. Words are your thing." I laughed softly, "Body language isn't close to being verbal or written Gray. I've had to decipher just as much as you have." He smiled and suddenly, we were closer. "I could get used to laying next to you in my bed." I raised a brow, and this time I moved closer. Our noses bumped, breaths mingled, and then I felt the gentle brush of his plump, pink lips against my own. His hand had moved up my back, drawing me closer.

I ended up seated on his hips with my hands in his hair, and our lips rushed together. His own hands found solace against my hips, with the occasional brush against my ass. I jumped the first time, but the feeling slowly became familiar as we went on.

I sighed against the skin of his neck as we took a quick breather. "Y/N, please stay." He spoke so softly. I nodded before I let my body slump against his. "As long as you rub my back, just how I like." I joked. He started to rub soft circles against my skin and I smiled before I kissed his neck. "Goodnight, Gray." He turned and kissed my temple, "Sweet dreams, honey."

"Grayson!" I whined as he chuckled. He stood above me as I laid on our shared bed. Grayson had a banquet dinner tonight that I wasn't in the mood to go to. "I need my best girl at my side. My good luck charm." He said happily as he pulled me up. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him softly in a series of kisses. "You're such an ass." I groaned and he chuckled. "Come on, baby! It's one dinner. And then when we get home, I'll run us a bath." My brows raised and I stood on my tip toes. His eyes became droopy as he focused solely on my movements. With a quick tip of my jaw, I gave him the lightest kiss on the lips.

In the closet of our room, I plucked out the most revealing yet elegant dress I owned. It was sleek and black, cut outs on the side to expose the right about of skin in the right places, and a low cut back. The black pumps I had matched perfectly and I smiled to myself. Grayson watched as I did my hair in the bathroom mirror before I started in on some makeup. "You're a natural beauty, Y/N. Don't cover that up."

After a night of being paraded around with Grayson, we finally arrived back home. I took off my shoes and held my dress up as I walked to our room. Grayson was hot on my heels with his tie undone. "Tough night, my love." He said with a sigh as he slid the jacket of his suit off and hung it in the closet. I turned to see him with his button down undone slightly, his lion head Gucci belt woven through the loops on his slacks, just below his caramel hips.

I bit my lip before I turned, "Unzip me?" He made quick steps before I felt his lips on my skin and his hands on my zipper, "Thank you for sacrificing your night for my banquet." He spoke gently against my skin. I turned as the dress pooled, leaving me in the black lingerie he had gotten me for my birthday.

His hands landed on my hips, the cold rings searing my skin. "I'm really banking on you drawing me a bath. Also, I kind of love you with my whole heart, and I'd spend any night with you no matter what." He chuckled and pressed a kiss to my lips, as he tugged me flush against his front. The belt seemed to burn my skin with its icy finish, as he pulled my leg to his hip, dipping me. As I bent back, his lips trailed down my entire front as the hand on my back popped open the clasp of my bra.

I laid with my body curled against Grayson's. His chest heaved as he sucked in the oxygen he didn't get as we fucked. My head laid over his heart as he trailed his hand down my side, squeezing my hip. "You still awake?" He muttered, his voice deep and raspy. I nodded and pressed a sloppy kiss to his skin. "What's on your mind, Gray?" He puffed out a breath and rolled to where I was in his arms, chest to chest. Our eyes met in the dim light that flooded in from the bathroom. "I want to be with you forever, Y/N. You're my forever." I smiled and rolled him back on to his back. Quickly, I took my rightful place in his lap, and pressed a kiss to his lips. "Forever and always." I muttered, and he gave me a short chuckle before he lifted me and quickly slid back inside of me. "You're going for a ride, flower." I bit my lip before we kissed again.

When I woke, Grayson wasn't in bed. The sheets were cold and empty. Kinda how I felt before I met Grayson. He really livened up a room, or in my case, my heart. I rolled out of the sheets, before I grabbed a shirt off the floor. "Gray?" I called as I walked down the hall. He was watching tv when I got in the living room, a mug of coffee pressed to his lips. I slipped into the kitchen and made my own cup before I joined him. "I can't believe we graduate soon." I muttered as I kissed his jaw. He smiled and turned before he kissed me firmly, "Gotta kiss me like you mean it, lovebug. We made it through college." I laid my head against his shoulder before he rubbed my back how I liked.

"Do you ever wanna have kids?" He asked suddenly. I stiffened before I sat up. "I could handle a few more Grayson's in the world. Girls or boys?" I asked as I propped my chin on his shoulder. "One of each. I want a son and a daughter." I nodded before I let my cheek rest against his skin. "Names?" I muttered and he chuckled, "Avery Lyn and Tyson James." I smiled and looked at him, "You really want kids with me?" I asked softly, my voice wavering. His hands pulled me onto his lap before he kissed me. "I wouldn't want them with anyone else. Wouldn't feel right."

Grayson and I swayed beside each other as we cooked. Tonight the gang would be back together. I chopped veggies as Grayson made the lasagna. "Did you get that good wine from the winery?" I asked as I tore lettuce for the salad. "Yeah. I got a couple bottles, we know how Kaylynn and Erin get." I giggled before he turned and kissed my shoulder. "I also picked up some dessert from the bakery on Welburn street." I turned and threw my arms around him, "Are you trying to spoil me?" He bumped his nose with mine, "Always." I let my lips drop to his in a quick kiss.

"It's been too long!" Adrianna whined as she saw me. I held her in my arms as Bryant and Ethan walked past with her purse and coat. Ethan hugged Grayson before he sat her things down. Bryant and Gray exchanged their handshake before he waved to me. I waved back before I turned back to Adrianna. I pulled her back into a hug as I rubbed her shoulder, "We have tonight to catch up on everything! We need a girls day." She nodded and looked at Ethan, completely ignoring my words. "I really love him, Y/N." I smirked and rolled my eyes, "Really? I had no idea!" She lightly punched my arm before we giggled. Seconds later, the doorbell rang and Kaylynn and Erin stood waiting for hugs.

We all sat around the table full of wine and full of food. Grayson stood before he coughed. We all stopped to look at him. My brow raised and he sent me a wink. "I figured I'd do this in front of the people I love the most. You all mean so much to me and Y/N, so I think it's fair you see this." He pulled me from my seat and I gasped. He rubbed his hands down his pants as he got on one knee and he looked up at me. Our hands joined and then he took one look at our friends who had gone eerily silent. As his eyes met mine, he dug in his pocket and produced a small black box. And in that box, he revealed the most Grayson Dolan wedding ring possible. Medium sized diamond, glistening band, and an engraved message on the top of the box. I say the most Grayson Dolan wedding ring because it was perfect in every sense of the word.

"Y/N, I've loved you ever since I laid eyes on you at that party. You always catch my eye in every room and every photo. You're my beacon of light in my darkest times. You are my other half. I love you so very much and want to spend my forever with you. Forever and always with our little kids, and our house, your writing career, and mine in film. I want all of our dreams to come true as we do them together, but that journey starts with you saying yes to being my wife. So, Y/N, my love, will you please marry me?" I felt all the air get knocked from my lungs as warm tears dripped down my cheeks. "Oh my god, Gray! Yes!" I sobbed as he stood and slid the ring on my finger. I was still shaking as he pressed a light kiss to my lips.

"White roses or white peonies? Remember we'll have the gold sprayed on them." I said as I sat next to Grayson in bed. He looked over from his phone and pointed to the peonies. "I know they're your favorite." I smiled and kissed his cheek before I jotted that in my notes. "What do we want to serve for dinner?" I asked as I showed him menu options. "Let's go steak and chicken, those good dinner rolls from the bakery, mashed potatoes, collard greens, the pie and cake for dessert, and as many soda options as possible." He said as he propped his chin on my shoulder, watching as I typed that in my notes.

"Okay, do you want Brody to be the ring bearer?" I asked and he nodded. Brody was Cameron's son. "Yeah, B can be the ring man. Ethan is my best man." I rolled my eyes, "That was obvious, Gray. Thank you for helping me." I said before I kissed his hair. I put my phone on the charger and got situated for bed before I looked at Grayson. He smiled and turned my body towards him before he gave me a sloppy kiss. "You wanna try to make Brody a cousin?" I laughed and shoved his shoulder before I tucked my body as close to his as I could. "Goodnight, my love." He said softly as he kissed my hair. I tangled my hand with his and I smiled, "Goodnight, hubs." He laughed and almost rolled completely on top of me, as he pulled me closer.

"You literally have three weeks before your wedding, Y/N!" Kaylynn said happily. I had treated the girls to breakfast, so we could catch up before the big day. "It's unreal. I really wanna thank you, Adrianna, for making me go to that dumb party." I said and she laughed as she sat her cup of coffee down. "I told you! I said you'd be meeting your soulmate and low and behold!" We all laughed at her comment, before I pulled her into a hug. Our waitress came over with our food and we all got excited. "Your avocado toast looks amazing!" Erin whined as I took a bite out of it. "I had never had it until I met Gray. He eats this all the time, and I've gotten so accustomed to stealing his food, I started to like it too." Kaylynn smiled as she cut into her pancakes.

"Walk us through the ins and outs of being almost Mrs. Dolan." I laughed as I sat my coffee down. "Well, every morning, Gray wakes up before me to go to the gym in our house. And when he's done he makes himself breakfast." They all nodded as I wiped my mouth. "He'll come wake me up before he eats and then I'll end up taking some off his plate. He started making himself extra because he knows me."

Erin giggled before she took a bite of her eggs and pointed at me with her fork, "What's he like in bed?" My cheeks heated up as the other girls laughed. "If he's anything like Ethan, he completely rocks her world." Arianna muttered before she took a sip of her coffee. I cackled as I sat my toast down, "He definitely takes care of me. On multiple occasions, I have not been able to walk the next day." I teased and Kaylynn snorted. "I've seen her hobble so I believe it."

"Okay so thank you for breakfast, angel, but now it's our turn to treat you! We're taking you to get your honeymoon lingerie and some swimsuits for the trip to Greece." Adrianna spoke as we all stood from the table. I scoffed, "You guys don't have to buy me anything!" Erin patted my back and pulled me in a hug, "Don't have to but we want to! We love you, Y/N!" I felt my cheeks heat up and I looked at my three best friends. "I love you all too."

"Grayson likes red." I said as I watched the girls slide through the teddies and panties that were on display. "Red? What else?" Kaylynn asked as she held up a black thong and bra. "Red, cream, gray funnily enough." I joked and Erin giggled. Adrianna came around the corner with a deep red fluffy, sheer house coat and matching teddy. "This will kill him." I laughed and nodded, "That's the one! Now I need heels to match." I said as I took it from her. She winked and pulled a box from under her arm, before she opened it. Red suede heels adorned with fluff along the band that goes over the toes were presented to me and I wanted to faint. "These are gorgeous!"

After we hit a few more stores, Adrianna asked if we were ready to go home. "Listen, baby, you gotta wear that your wedding night and I want full details after." Erin said as we all squeezed into the Uber Kaylynn had ordered. "Why full details?" I asked as I adjusted the shopping bags I had on my arms. "I wanna know when and how I'm going to be a godmother!" I felt my cheeks heat up before I looked away. "What? Why did you look away?" Adrianna asked as Kaylynn gripped my arm and smiled. "I think someone's already pregnant!" Kaylynn said with a smile. I felt my own lips turn as I nodded. "I haven't told Gray yet. I found out two weeks ago." I said softly. Erin pulled me in for a hug before they all did. Adrianna gripped my hand, "We'll be here every step of the way."

I laid across the couch with my hand over my bump, watching reruns of Friends. Grayson had meetings all day for his ever growing production company, so I was left to my own accord. Wedding planning, snacking, throwing up whatever I ate, and drinking water was what my day consisted of. I looked down at my tummy and sighed, "Already too much like your father, so stubborn." As I gently caressed my stomach, minutes from falling asleep, my phone started ringing. Adrianna was calling. I swiped and answered, "Hey Ade! What's up?"

Her silence made my heart plummet. "What's wrong, Adrianna?" I sat up quickly on the couch, my fingers tightening around my phone. "Gray, he got in an accident. Hit head on. Y/N, Grayson's in the hospital. Ethan's with him." My skin felt sticky with sweat as I moved to our room. Throwing on some shoes, I grabbed his hoodie, and made my way outside to my car. Adrianna was still talking on the other end of the phone but I didn't hear her. White noise. "What hospital and what room?" I asked, she spouted off the information as I started my drive.

I passed the wreck on my way there, seeing Grayson's Porsche crashed against an old pick up. I sobbed before my stomach started churning again, I felt sick. The flashing lights from the police cars that still littered the scene blurred together behind the sheen of tears that threatened to fall. With a hiccup, they cascaded down my skin, dripping on my hoodie. Grayson's hoodie.

"Grayson Dolan, please, I'm his fiancé." I rushed to the secretary. A woman grabbed my arm, "I'll take you. I'm his nurse." I nodded and followed her, my mouth still hanging open in shock. When I got to his room, Adrianna hugged me tightly. I started to cry against her shoulder before I moved back and looked at him. Ethan sat emotionless in the seat, his lip between his teeth, and his hand holding his brother's. "Should've been me." He muttered before his eyes met mine, glossed over in tears. I shook my head before I sat down on the cotton bed, my head falling on to Grayson's stomach as my entire body shook with sobs.

"Come on, Gray." My voice sounded scratchy, broken, as I tried to persuade his subconscious to let him wake up. Open those pretty, deep, dark eyes. Let his lashes flutter with life. Get some color back in his cheeks. I was begging to a corpse. "Grayson, I don't know if you can hear me, but I love you. And I had something I wanted to tell you, just didn't know how to say it." My breathing hitched as I spoke. With my free hand I wiped my eyes and nose, not caring that I looked just as broken as he did. At least my eyes were open and I was speaking. I pressed a chaste kiss to his hand as I laid my head down beside his thigh, "Gray, baby, I'm pregnant."

I sat back in the chair as Erin, Kaylynn, Bryant, Adrianna, and Ethan came in. "Have you eaten?" Erin asked as she crouched in front of me. I shook my head as she pushed my hair off my face before she tied it in a bun. My eyes met hers as my chin started to wobble, "Not hungry." She shook her head, "Not acceptable. Your little one needs food even if you don't feel like eating." Her thumbs came under my cheeks and swiped the tears away. I clenched my eyes and leaned forward into her arms as my body shook. "Mom, dad, and Cam are flying out tonight." Ethan said softly as he came over to me. He took Erin's place, and gripped my hands.

"Y/N, you're not my sister in law yet, but you're still my family. Grayson would want you to eat. Hell he would spoon feed you until you choked down a bowl of soup. You need to eat." This time, he was the one to run his thumbs across my cheeks. "You need to keep your strength up for him and for my nephew or niece. Ade will take you. And I'll call her if he progresses. I love you." I threw my arms around him and nodded before I kissed his cheek, "Love you too, E."

Adrianna handed me a spoon and kissed my hair. "How do you feel right now? Do you think he'll be okay?" She asked as she rubbed my back. I shifted away and shook my head, "Too hard." Her frown deepened and she started to scratch lighter as she watched me take a sip of the broth from my soup. "He's strong, he'll make it." My voice was raspy when I spoke but I ignored it, and took another sip. She sighed and we sat in silence until I pushed the barely eaten soup away. "Full."

Back in the chair beside his bed, my hand gripped his firmly. His chest still rose and fell in the same rhythmic pattern it had for the past week. Lisa and Sean were staying at Ethan's, and Cam stayed with me so I wouldn't go insane. Leaving the hospital, scratch that, leaving Grayson here was the hardest part of my week. The novel I had started previous to the accident was put on a hard pause as I spent most of my days in this chair. In this room. Locked in a cage it seemed. I couldn't escape until Grayson did.

"Do you remember when we went to that Halloween party? You were my devil, and I was your angel. Totally opposite of how we really are. You're my light Gray. You're my sun. I need the sunlight back." My eyes started to water before I moved next to him on the bed. With shaky hands, I pressed my palm to the mattress as I leaned down to kiss his forehead. My lips quivered and I rested my head on his shoulder, away from the tubes and wires. "My plants are starting to die, Gray. I'm wilting. I've told you time and time again people are like plants. I need my sun." I started to sob against his gown. My hands scrunched up the sheets as I shook with vigor.

Seconds passed and I sat up. Breaths came in uneasily as I looked out the window. The world was still going on around me, even though I had put mine on pause. I let the icy tears glide down my skin as I watched family's rejoice with their loved ones, they got to go home. My home was laying in a hospital bed, barely grasping on to his precious life.

"The wedding is next week. What are you gonna do if he doesn't wake up?" Kaylynn asked. Erin frowned and pushed her arm as they watched. Adrianna and Cam were on the couch with Lisa, who let out a sob. My eyes darted to Lisa before I let my head fall into my hands. Today I stayed home so Sean, Ethan, and Bryant could get some time with Grayson.

I felt defeated that I was here and he was there. "I slept in his clothes last night. They still smell like him. I don't know what I'm gonna do when the cologne wears off, and his scent leaves." I started to sob as I bit on my upper lip, tugging until I tasted copper. "He's gonna be okay." Erin said as she gripped my hand. My eyes met hers and I nodded, "But if he's not, a part of me is gonna die too."

We all stood around Grayson's bed in silence. Just three days after Kaylynn had asked, we got our answer. Grayson Bailey Dolan wasn't making it to our wedding day. Lisa was crying against Sean. Ethan and Cam were holding each other beside his bed. And I stood, the ringing of the flatline echoing in my ears. I reached for the bed, barely missed, and crumbled to the floor as I started to sob.

Only noise didn't come out. Nothing did. I was screaming with no noise. Erin wrapped me in her arms as I started to thrash with sobs. Kaylynn was on my other side, holding me. I stopped moving and I watched as the doctor came in, frowning. Nurses followed him in and I watched. Wishing they could take me away too.

Ethan and Sean held Lisa and I up, Cam stood between us with her eyes screwed shut. Lisa was crying with Sean. Ethan and Adrianna had tears in their eyes. Erin had her hand on my back and Kaylynn was supporting Cam. We made our way to the front pews in the funeral home. Erin held me as I watched.

Everyone was silent as the pastor walked to the podium. He looked down at Grayson's still form and looked back with red eyes. "Thank you all for gathering today to mourn the loss of Grayson Bailey Dolan." With those words, Lisa and I let out matching sobs before we both crumbled like rocks.

I could hardly listen as my eyes drifted back to Grayson. He wore his wedding ring per my request. It glistened in the lights above his casket, giving him a sort of lively glow, although there was no life left. Lisa held my hand as she leaned on me, her head buried on my chest. Sean rubbed my back and I looked at him. He did it how Grayson always did. Just soft enough to where it was still a scratch, but also comforting. I sucked in a harsh breath before I kissed Lisa's head and I let my tears glide.

I stood next to the still fresh grave, days later on what should’ve been my wedding day. My white heels dug into the ground as I stood, holding my dress up. Bryant stood with Erin, a wobbly smile adorned his cheeks. “Grayson loved you so much. There was never a day he didn’t tell me how much.” I smiled at Bryant before I started to cry. Erin sighed and started to dab at my makeup with a tissue. I let my dress fall as I turned and looked at Grayson’s tombstone. I rested my arm against it before I rested my head against my arm. My body started to shake as I sobbed into the open air.

I heard cars pull up and I knew it was the family who would’ve been here for the wedding. I sat in a heap, ruining the dress Grayson never got to see me wear, with the soil that kept him below. I knew I looked insane but I didn’t care. Grayson was my love. My forever and always. Ethan got down next to me in his tux, before he pulled me in for a hug. Cameron joined us and laid her head on my shoulder. All the while Bryant was taking photos for me.

When I finally moved, Grandma Bernadette pulled me in for a hug. I let myself cry against her as she rubbed my back. “Grayson was so lucky to have you, angel. And I’m so thankful you’re going to be having my second grandchild.” I smiled as I wiped under my eyes. Poppy John kissed my hair, “You treated him so well, kid. You gotta know Gray passed away being his happiest self. You did that for him.” I nodded and he took my hands.

“That boy called me every weekend to tell me about you, how great you were, how good you treated him. Every weekend. And when I finally met you, you lived up to every word. He used every positive adjective he could to describe you and still wasn’t enough to cover his vast love for you. Gray passed away being the happiest man alive, I’m convinced.” I started to cry again before Grandma Bernadette pulled me back in.

“When we first met you,” she paused to wipe away some tears of her own, “Gray pulled us aside and asked what we thought. He valued our opinion, and after minutes of knowing you, Pop and I valued you. Legally you aren’t my granddaughter in law, but you are my family Y/N. You always have a place in my home.” I nodded and kissed her cheek before they both pulled me in for a hug.

“Push! Come on, Y/N!” Erin urged as she gripped my hand. The doctor gave me a nod before I pushed as hard as a could, screaming as I did. My head fell back against the bed as I started to pant. “Oh my god! I want it out!” I yelled. Erin chuckled before the door opened and Ethan came in with scrubs and gloves on. “I’m gonna cut the cord, okay?” He asked and I nodded before I white knuckled against the rail of the bed. Erin rubbed my back as I started to lean forward. Adrianna pulled my hair off my neck as I let out one last scream. As my yell faded, another began.

“Y/N, here’s your baby boy.” The nurse said as she delicately handed me the soft purple bundle. “What do you wanna name him?” She asked as she smiled down at me. “Tyson, spelled T-y-s-o-n, James Dolan. That’s his dad’s last name.” She nodded before she wrote that on the chart at the end of my bed. Tyson started to squirm in my arms, drawing my attention to his form. He had Grayson’s dark hair, and a few misplaced freckles as well. “Welcome to the world, Ty.” I said softly as I ran my finger down his plush cheek. Erin sat on the bed next to me before she smiled, “I’m so proud of you, Y/N.” I looked up and smiled before I wiped my eyes. “Gray is too. I can feel it.” Her chin wobbled before she leaned forward and kissed my hair, “He is, forever and always.”