#when they privately celebrate the losses of yet THREE MORE of our brothers and sisters

[samar-arijjj]

fucking livid that desantis thinks he can just turn around and put on his fucking human suit and condemn the jacksonville gunman after signing legislation that fosters the very environment that kind of hate grows in. their blood is on his hands just as much as palmeter’s.

[jedimaesteryoda]

What was in Prince Nymor’s Letter to Aegon I?

Background

Aegon the Conqueror managed to forge the Seven Kingdoms into one with his dragons, but there was one exception: Dorne. The First Dornish War marked the only war where a kingdom managed to avoid subjugation by the Iron Throne. 

The Dornish avoided open battle as well as holing in fortresses. Rhaenys found all the castles in Dorne empty as she flew on Meraxes as the Dornish forces melted away. 

Meria: I will not fight you, nor will I kneel to you. Dorne has no king. Tell your brother that. Rhaenys: I shall, but we will come again, Princess, and next time we shall come with fire and blood. Meria: Your words, Ours are Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken. You may burn us, my lady, but you will not bend us, break us, or make us bow. This is Dorne. You are not wanted here. Return at your peril.

Princess Meria waited for her in Sunspear just to tell her off. Aegon placed his men to control castles, and declared victory only for the Dornish forces to return. Meria threw Lord Rosby from a window herself. 

Also, apparently the Dornish didn’t play nice. Entire garrisons were put to the sword. Knights were tortured, and Lord Wyl cut off the hands of captured prisoners-of-war, including Aegon’s Hand, Orys Baratheon. These actions violated the codes of chivalry, and had Aegon and his bannermen howling for vengeance, which led to a bloody cycle of retaliation and reappraisals. 

Aegon’s retaliation was swift as he and his sisters took to their dragons and burned Dornish castles. The Dornish responded by burning half the rainwood and sacking half a dozen towns and villages. The Targaryens then responded by burning more Dornish castles in dragonflame. The Dornish response to that was Lord Fowler capturing Nightfall and taking its occupants hostage and razing the nearby villages and towns. The Targaryens, then predictably, responded with their dragons again, but this time, miraculously, the Dornish managed to take down a dragon. A scorpion bolt in a one in a million shot, hit Meraxes in the eye, killing the dragon and ostensibly, the rider, Rhaenys. 

The death of Aegon’s favorite sister-wife was of course a huge personal blow, and it marked the start of the next two years of the war appropriately named the Dragon’s Wroth, the nadir of the war. Aegon and Visenya's initial response was to burn every castle in Dorne, except Sunspear. Some castles were even burned more than once with Hellholt, the site of Meraxes’s death, being burned three times. Aegon and Visneya also placed bounties on the heads of Dornish lords to which the Dornish responded by placing bounties on their heads as well as those of their allies. Half a dozen Dornish lords were assassinated while Aegon and Visneya survived several assassination attempts, and Lord Fell was murdered in a brothel. 

Finally, Meria Martell died, and was succeeded by her son, Nymor. Nymor took a different approach compared to his mother, and sent his daughter and heir, Deria, to King’s Landing with Meraxes’s skull and a letter. While Aegon’s queen and advisors pushed for Aegon to harm Deria, Aegon refused and heard out Deria. 

Dorne wanted peace, according to Deria—but the peace of two kingdoms no longer at war, not the peace between a vassal and a lord. Many urged His Grace against this, and the phrase "no peace without submission" was often heard in the halls of the Aegonfort. It was claimed that the king would look weak should he agree to such a demand and that the lords of the Reach and stormlands who had suffered so much for his cause would be angered.

Swayed by such considerations, it is said, King Aegon was determined to refuse the offer until Princess Deria placed in his hands a private letter from her father, Prince Nymor. Aegon read it upon the Iron Throne, and men say that when he rose, his hand was bleeding, so hard had he clenched it. He burned the letter and departed immediately on Balerion's back for Dragonstone. When he returned the next morning, he agreed to the peace and signed a treaty to that effect.

Aegon read Nymor’s letter, burned it, and left for Dragonstone on Balerion that day, only to return the following morning and to his court’s surprise, agree to Nymor’s terms of ending the First Dornish War with the Iron Throne recognizing Dorne’s independence. 

No one knows the contents of that letter, but there are theories as to what was in that letter that led Aegon to forgo his aim to conquer Dorne and agree to Nymor’s peace. Let’s look at the possibilities offered.

1. Did he threaten to take all the wealth of Dorne to hire the Faceless Men to kill Aegon's young son and heir, Aenys? 

The problem with this one is Aegon "flew to Sunspear on Balerion on the tenth anniversary of the peace accords to celebrate ‘a feast of freindship’ with Deria Martell” with Aenys accompanying him. I doubt Aegon would willingly celebrate such a treaty with Princess Deria, and do so, by bringing along the son they threatened to kill if he didn’t sign. That would just make things awkward.  

Also, the whole point of hiring an assassin, especially a Faceless Man, is to get someone killed without you being implicated. If you say that “if person A dies, it's definitely because of me,” that would be a clear invitation to retaliation from the victim’s family and allies. 

The man whom this threat was made to burned every castle in Dorne in retaliation for Rhaenys’s death. It doesn’t take much speculation to imagine how he would have responded to the death of his son borne by that same woman. A threat like that likely wouldn’t have intimidated Aegon into signing the treaty, but more likely angered him and provoked threats of retaliation.

One must also note that by the time of the meeting (13 AC) Maegor had just been born the year before (12 AC). Even with Aenys dead, Aegon would still have had a son to continue the Targaryen line, and it wouldn’t have been a permanent end to the Targaryen threat. 

2.  Did Nymor reveal that Rhaenys lived still, broken and mutilated, and that he would end her suffering if Aegon ended hostilities? 

It doesn’t take a genius to see the problems with this one. For Aegon, the idea of Rhaenys having been left broken after being tortured and mutilated for two years undoubtedly would have enraged him in such a manner that would have befit his sobriquet “the Dragon”, and had him threatening swift and brutal retaliation. He would have demanded Rhaenys back, no matter what condition she was in. I also seriously doubt Aegon would take Rhaenys’s son, Aenys, to celebrate the peace with Deria that was signed on the condition of killing his tortured mother. 

Nymor would also have demonstrated himself to be an idiot by needlessly endangering his daughter, Deria. By sending her, he would have handed Aegon a potentially valuable hostage on a silver platter that Aegon could use to counter any threats against Rhaenys. It also undermined the message of goodwill by bringing the skull of Meraxes.

There is also the question of if they had Rhaenys alive this whole time, why the hell didn’t they use her before, the moment they had captured her? The Dornish would have to be complete fools to not see how valuable a hostage Aegon’s favorite sister-wife could be. They at the very least could have used her to negotiate a ceasefire, and given themselves some respite.

3. Was the letter ensorceled?

Short answer: no. I don’t think we’ve seen magic capable of influencing someone’s consciousness with the most being tales of love potions.

4. Some claim it was a simple plea, from one father to another, heartfelt words that touched King Aegon’s heart.

This seems a little too romantic. I mean even if the words did touch Aegon’s heart, there were still political realities to consider, and I don’t see how relating as a father would move Aegon enough to forget about Rhaenys, the woman who first made him a father to begin with. 

5. Others insist it was a list of all those lords and noble knights who lost their lives during the war.

I admit while showing a king the human costs of his war isn’t unappealing to me, one must note that “the Reach, the stormlands and the marches had suffered grievously during the fighting, and would never forgive and forget.” The relatives of those same lords and knights who died in the Dornish War largely wanted the war to continue to avenge their relatives, and would potentially have seen a Dornish peace without submission seemingly make those deaths in vain. 

It also wouldn’t be the first time Aegon suffered a personal loss in his conquest. He lost his distant cousin and one of his family’s closest friends, Daemon Velaryon, in the first Targaryen assault on the Vale. Yet, he continued his conquest regardless. 

What actually was in the letter?

Think back to Robert’s Rebellion with Dornish anger over the horrific deaths of Elia and her children as well as the death of Lewyn at the Battle of the Trident. Jon Arryn managed to avoid rebellion by the Dornish by returning Lewyn’s bones to Dorne, and negotiating with Prince Doran. 

Returning the remains of a fallen relative is an act of respect. It is mentioned that Rhaenys’s bones were never returned. Neither were the bones Elia and her children, but that was because they were given the Targaryen custom of cremation.

I think Rhaenys’s body was likely given the same treatment. What Nymor may have mentioned in the letter is that he was returning Rhaenys’s ashes from her funeral pyre to Dragonstone. That is why Aegon left for Dragonstone that day on Balerion, he wanted to meet up with the ship carrying her urn. 

That leaves the question of why Aegon burned the letter. The reason is probably the same as why Aegon had no close friends except Orys: he was a very private person, and this was a very personal matter to him. 

Throughout the war, both sides did a lot of awful stuff with the Targaryens burning everything in Dorne in dragonflame, and the Dornish responding by engaging in torture, mutilation and assassination (which the Targaryens did first). All those actions did was escalate the war, and result in more brutal retaliation from the Targaryens with each side upping the violence, brutality and destruction. However, by performing this one honorable gesture, Nymor managed to succeed where his mother failed in ending Aegon’s attempts to subdue Dorne. 

[supastareden]

Inside the Sadness Plaguing K-Pop

by NATALIE FINN | Thu., Mar. 29, 2018 3:07 PM [X]

Nothing cheers you up, lifts you up, brings you life quite like pop music. Even when it's Harry Styles or Adeleor Sam Smith or BTS achingly belting their despair into that cold, lonely night...songs that make you feel all the feelings are still songs that are taking you to new heights. There's nothing quite like a tune that hurts so good.

As we wallow, so do we celebrate.

In South Korea, the genre is known as K-Pop—a catchy moniker established in the 1990s that's starting to catch fire around the globe—and all the hallmarks of the superstars of the Western world are present and accounted for: Charismatic boy bands, polished pop princesses, infectious chart-topping singles, carefully crafted images and tender-aged men and women who've inspired a level of fanaticism reserved for...well, almost no one besides pop stars these days.

Music is the universal language, after all.

But for the second time in four months, the K-pop world is in mourning, this time following the sudden death on March 25 of 100% singer Seo Minwoo. He was 33.

The actor and boyband heartthrob reportedly suffered cardiac arrest; an official cause of death has not yet been announced.

TOP Media founder Andy Lee, the singer turned K-pop impresario who's behind the groups 100%, Teen Top, Shinhwa and UP10TION, expressed his condolences in a statement online, calling Seo a leader known for his tenderness and sincerity.

While American audiences may still be largely in the dark when it comes to the ins and outs of K-pop and its artists, our mainstream exposure fairly limited to PSY's "Gangnam Style" and, more recently, the emergence of BTS on the world stage, fans took to social media to share exactly what Seo meant to them.

"Seo Minwoo is my life mentor. He gave up everything for 100% and perfection. Words are not enough to describe how great of a person he is. How lovely, caring and talented he is. Seo Minwoo, my king... I love you," wrote Haya on Twitter.

She continued, "Seo Minwoo gave up is acting career for 100%. Fought Top Media over and over again (f*ck you tm) to keep 100% together. Everything he did he put his absolute everything in. He openly supported LGBTQ, did vlives often to talk with perfection about their concerns."

Haya's current pinned tweet is from Dec. 24, 2015: "If 100% were a religion, I'd build them a church and dedicate my whole life and soul to them."

While that's a lot, it's indicative of the level of devotion that some K-pop stars have awoken in their fans.

A number of people tweeted that upcoming "selca days"—specific days each month on which fans post selfies with their favorite idols—should be canceled out of respect for Minwoo. 100%'s fandom is called Perfection.

And SHINee World knows what they're going through.

On Dec. 18, 2017, SHINee singer Kim Jong-hyun (known as Jonghyun) committed suicide, baffling fans and even fellow K-pop stars who figured the 27-year-old was on top of the world.

"It was so shocking, because we had seen him so often at events," BTS' RM told Billboard last month. He was so successful."

"My Poet My Artist My Jonghyun I miss you," tweeted w today. In fact, there are so many newly posted photos and video clips of the young man on Twitter that, aside from the occasional mournful missive like this one, you'd be forgiven for not knowing that he's gone.

The account Jonghyun On This Day is also doing its part to keep his memory alive.

But Jonghyun's death—authorities found charred coal briquettes in a frying pan on the stove, which produced carbon monoxide—obviously rattled the music world at large on multiple levels. In addition to the personal loss felt alike by loved ones and fans who felt they knew him, mental health is not an issue that tends to get much media attention in South Korea—or in Asia overall.

"To the South Korean government: Let #Jonghyun be the light in death that he was in life," tweeted Xavier on Dec. 18. "Recognize that suicide is an epidemic in South Korea and takes strides to ending the negative stigmas around mental health and to combat this issue. Don't let Jonghyun be another statistic."

A fan started a Change.org petition demanding that entertainment companies set up mental health support systems for their artists. More than 430,000 people have signed.

After some discussion, his family agreed to make public the suicide note the singer and songwriter, who made his solo debut in 2015 with the well-received album Base, left behind. His friend and Dear Cloud singer Jang Hee-yeon, known as Nine9, posted it on her Instagram. She said she'd obtained the note two weeks before Jonghyun's death and was asked to publish it if he "disappeared from the world."

"I'm broken from the inside," the note read. "The depression that has slowly eaten away at me has finally consumed me, and I couldn't beat it."

It concluded, "The life of fame was not for me. They say it's hard to bump up against the world and become famous. Why did I choose this life? It's a funny thing. It's a miracle that I lasted this long...

"What else is there to say? Just tell me I did well. Tell me that this is enough. Tell me I worked hard. Even if you can't smile, please don't blame me as you send me off. Well done. You've really worked hard. Goodbye."

In a sign that Jonghyun's death could help bring about positive change in the way mental health and depression are publicly discussed, the circumstances of his death continue to be a topic of conversation—one that Seo Minwoo's passing, no matter what the cause, only brings to mind all over again.

Just today a fan tweeted, "Nine said on the last interview Jonghyun once told her that she brings comfort to him. She noticed his condition got worse after blue night and when he gave her the letter she told his family right away, tried to save him, to prevent the worst from happening...

"I really believe everyone around him knew about his condition and tried their best to help him. that's why it hurts so much, that even though he got help he still wanted to leave."

In an interview with Billboard last month, members of BTS said that they wanted to keep the discussion about mental health going.

"I really want to say that everyone in the world is lonely and everyone is sad," Suga, 25, said, "and if we know that everyone is suffering and lonely, I hope we can create an environment where we can ask for help, and say things are hard when they're hard, and say that we miss someone when we miss them."

Bucking national mores and the pressure to be upbeat or put up an artificially glossy front all the time, Jonghyun, who also hosted the long-running music radio program Blue Night, had spoken out publicly about his battle with depression—much like young American stars such as Demi Lovato, Selena Gomez, Zayn Malikand Keshahave been widely applauded for doing these days.

His last Blue Night broadcast was in March 2017 after three years behind the mic. He admitted to Esquire Korea that he didn't like traveling and considered himself a homebody—and the close confines of a radio studio, just him alone with some music, had been a perfect fit.

"It may be that I came running to radio in order to escape," he reflected to the magazine, per an English translation. "I don't really like going outside. And I don't really like having to meet a lot of people. I'm also afraid of trying new things. The radio now felt like my own personal space. It had become an escape hatch for me to greet new things without feeling awkward."

Jonghyun, who cited personal matters as the reason he was leaving the radio show, said it had become important to him to share his metaphorical scars with the world.

"I'm fundamentally a pessimistic person," he said. "Ever since I was little I showed a lot of depressive feelings, and it's the same in the present. But I don't think I can keep living my life sustaining those depressive feelings forever. You might be able to go through the early-to-mid-part of your life with that kind of melancholy. But if you want to grow, you can only survive if you throw those feelings away.

"Unless you want to get trapped within yourself and die, you have to grow no matter how much it hurts—but if you stop because you're afraid, in the end it's inevitable that you'd remain in an immature state of mind. I chose the path to transform myself. To reveal myself to the public. To attempt to make my thoughts understood. I have to make people aware that this is the kind of person I am, and I can only be on the defensive if I know that they know."

The translator noted that she avoided using the word "depression," because Jonghyun didn't use what amounted to that word specifically. Even in talking about it, those feelings of sadness remained a beast with no name.

When Jonghyun died, his SHINee band mates and members of the group Super Junior (both groups under the S.M. Entertainment umbrella), all clad in black, carried his coffin from Asan Medical Center in Seoul to a waiting vehicle. His sister headed the procession, carrying a photo of her late brother.

The funeral was private, for friends and family only, but hundreds of people lined up to see the coffin leave the hospital.

A statement from S.M. Entertainment read in part (according to Rolling Stone), "The deep sorrow cannot be compared to ones of his family who had to let go of their loving son and brother but the employees and artists of SM Entertainment, also in deep shock and sorrow, are offering condolences. Jonghyun was the best artist who loved music more than anyone and always worked hard for his performance. We ask you to refrain from making rumors or assumptions based on reports in respect of his family who are in deep sorrow from the sudden news. As his family wished, his funeral will be carried out in the quietest manner with his family members and co-workers."

But Jonghyun's death was hardly the first time the punishing pace of the K-pop machine had come under fire.

In addition to being expected to tour and crank out albums, sometimes in multiple languages (SHINee had also recorded in Japanese), the artists often appear on a never-ending stream of competition TV series in addition to doing talk shows, photo shoots and public appearances to keep the fans both sated and hungry for more.

But despite the seeming glut of artists and groups to remember (there are so manyselca days), truly breaking through as a star remains an elusive concept—and standing out in South Korea's youth-obsessed culture can feel like an insurmountable challenge.

And then there's the appearance factor. "If a girl has a bad face and a good body, the problem can be fixed with plastic surgery," Kim Min-seok, a former trainer with YG Entertainment (considered along with S.M. and JYP as the "Big Three" agencies), told Broadly. in 2016.

Moreover, the litany of groups also tend to be carefully managed, meticulously packaged pop confections, with a management company pulling the strings behind the scenes. Those who hope to make it big are expected to dedicate their lives to that goal, and that's basically what signing a contract entails.

In January 2015, NBC News cited a survey of South Korean pre-teens: When asked about career aspirations, 21 percent said they wanted to be K-pop stars.

"I am thinking only one thing—our song keeps being played," 20-year-old Sowon, a member of the girl group GFriend, which had an international hit at the time with their debut single "Glass Bead," told NBC News. "I hope to perform anywhere, anytime, even if I can't sleep or I am tired."

On Feb. 24, 2015, aspiring K-pop star Ahn So Jin died after falling 10 stories from an apartment building, with police concluding that her death was a suicide. The 22-year-old had made a splash the previous year after making it to the finals of The Kara Project—a competition show held to find girl group Kara a new member after two girls had left.

"It has to be this, or nothing," Sojin said on the show's premiere. "I can't miss this." She had been a K-pop trainee with Kara manager DSP Media for five years but her contract had reportedly ended the month before her death.

Kara disbanded for good in January 2016.

ng Ha-Jin, a 23-year-old university student who had once been a trainee with S.M. Entertainment after winning a talent competition, told NBC News in 2015 that she wasn't allowed to have a cell phone while in the program and the competition to earn a coveted slot in an actual girl group was fierce—and stressful.

"The most difficult part in fact was when I saw myself and felt like I didn't grow up," she said.

The loss of individuality isn't limited to K-pop, either.

In 2013, Minami Minegishi of Japan's AKB48—a group with over 100 rotating members who appear in different configurations at different events—shaved her head and tearfully apologized in a video confession after she spent the night with her boyfriend, an apparent infraction of a no-dating rule.

"I don't believe just doing this means I can be forgiven for what I did, but the first thing I thought was that I don't want to quit AKB48," Minegishi said, according to the BBC. AKB48's manager said Minegishi, an original member of the group when it formed in 2005, had been demoted to trainee status.

Her fans, more appalled by the self-flagellation than anything else, rallied around her, insisting she not be punished for just wanting to live her life.

In 2015, the BBC reported that members of Japanese boy band SMAP somberly dressed in black and publicly apologized on their weekly show SMAPxSMAP after they attempted to leave their longtime agency Johnny & Associates.

The K-pop scene doesn't sound quite so rigid these days, with managers and producers perhaps not wanting to alienate coveted Western audiences with oppressive behavioral strictures, but it still demands a level of old-fashioned poise and accommodation from its artists.

"If you go to the agency, every young trainee will give you a very polite bow and there are notices with the company rules on the wall to remind them how to behave," K-pop industry expert Mark Russell told the BBC in 2016.

In June 2014, Taeyeon of Girls Generation and Baekhyun of boy band EXO apologized to their respective fan bases for the "disappointment, anger, hatred, frustration, and dejection" they presumably felt when they found out that Taeyeon and Baekhyun were dating (a coupling that would seemingly send their fans over the moon, Jelena-style).

Last June, T.O.P. of the group Big Bang was hospitalized for several days after overdosing on prescription medication, the incident occurring a day after he was charged with smoking marijuana—a crime punishable by up to five years in prison in South Korea. According to Today Online, when he was caught smoking in October 2016, he issued a handwritten apology letter stating, "I deserve punishment for hurting the (BIGBANG) members, agency, public, fans and family. I'll regret this for tens of thousands of years."

T.O.P. was found guilty and received a suspended 10-month prison sentence because the judge determined that, although he had admitted his guilt and "disappointed his family and fans," he seemed sufficiently remorseful.

"I'm truly sorry that I disappointed my fans and the public," the 29-year-old, whose real name is Choi Seung-Hyun, told reporters after his sentencing last summer. I will do my best to make a fresh start and not to make such a mistake again with what I've learned from this lesson,"

In August, management company WM Entertainment announced that JinE of Oh My Girl was taking a break from the group while she sought treatment for anorexia, stating, "We will wholeheartedly support JinE while she rests and receives treatment. We apologize once more for bringing this sudden news to fans and ask that you continue to show Oh My Girl unchanging love and interest." JinE's permanent exit from the group was announced in October.

It's impossible not to note a hint of concern over past K-pop tragedy and the pitfalls of fame in this otherwise cheerful birthday greeting sent today (already March 30 in South Korea) to Cha Eunwoo, or Eunwoo, of the six-member boy band Astro.

"Mr. Cha Eunwoo Happy birthday to our sweet and sparkling fluff. AROHA are so lucky to have you," wrote Ashlyn Akiko (who changed her handle to #happychaeunwooday for the occasion). "Stay happy and healthy."

[kneesheee]

Sweet Pea’s Sapphire

|four|

WARNINGS: SMUT AND VIOLENCE

A few days had passed and somehow Toni had managed to convince Sapphire to return to the school. Her high grades and the money she funds it being the only reason she was allowed the two weeks of unexcused absences off.                

Sapphire grumbled but she went to the school in her simplest outfit to date. Black skinny legs, a random band tee, her serpent jacket, her favorite converses, and her hair thrown in a ponytail. She looked nothing like Sapphire anyone was used to let alone the heiress to her family’s company.

               She had been walking out of physics when it happened. The doors to the school burst opened and police started grabbing everyone wearing the serpent emblem including her. Sapphire screamed in shock and outrage as they yanked on her and threw her against a locker.

               She blinked, and she saw two officers throwing Sweet Pea, Toni, and Fangs on lockers further down from her. But she saw red when she saw her den also get pinned. Sapphire snarled with anger as she fought the officers even as she had been handcuffed.

               “What the fuck! Let me go!”

               The police said nothing as they carried her out through the doors. “How the fuck are you going to arrest me! I know you see those walking glitter sticks doing jingle jangle over there! I’m getting all of you fired!”

               She had been lowered and pushed into a cop car with Toni being pushed in right beside her. Both girls looked at each other with glares of anger before Toni nodded her head outside the window. She watched the mayor look at them being led out and tossed around like animals while wearing a smirk.

               It is fucking on.

When Sapphire was walked into the station alongside the rest of the Serpents, she immediately smiled the second she saw her lawyer who rushed over and demanded that Sapphire be let free. The second the cuffs went off it took everything Sapphire had to not put her fist in Mayor McCoy’s face.

But she did walk up to the women and snarled, “You’re going to call every single one of their parents for a pick up right now! Or I swear I will take it to the judge that none of us had our rights read to us. Let alone the fact that you didn’t have a fucking warrant.”

               Mayor McCoy furrowed her brows at Sapphire, “And who are you?”

               “I’m Sapphire Motherfucking Stone, you old hag. And you just crossed private property without permission. I doubt you want to go in front of a judge with that!”

               Mayor McCoy bristled at the insult before replied coolly with, “Southside High is the town of Riverdale property.”

               Sapphire only laughed as she watched the police looking particularly angry that by law they had to free the same people they had just arrested. “As of yesterday afternoon, Southside High of Riverdale became the property of Stone Enterprises and functions now as a private schooling. Don’t believe me? My lawyer has the papers with her.”

               Her lawyer, Ms. Bow, stepped up behind her and fumbled through her papers until she pulled out the deed she had just picked up from the Sheriff and then showed off the printed email that came from the Mayor’s office in agreement to the payment. Mayor McCoy’s eyes furrowed as she looked at the paperwork in front of her before turning to look back at Sapphire who wore a bitter smirk.

               “Checkmate, bitch.” -- Sapphire had been leaning in Sweet Pea’s embrace as she watched FP’s son get ready for his race against the ghoulie leader, Malachai. She hadn’t wanted to come but her friends declared that she need to get out the house and what better way than seeing one of their fellow Serpents race for the ultimate control of the school.

She watched with an uninterested eye as Toni moved to kick off the race when Cheryl Blossom got in the way to do instead. But Sapphire didn’t pay too much attention to that. No, she paid attention to the way Toni looked at the other girl.

And though it disgusted her that Toni would hold interest in Cheryl Blossom of all people, she made a promise to herself to get them together. If Toni actually felt that way about the girl.

Sapphire phone rang, and an unfamiliar number popped up. A number with a San Junipero zip code. She answered the phone quickly.

“Hello,” she stated hesitantly catching the attention of her three friends.

The familiar sound of her brother’s voice comes through the phone and Sapphire swear her heart stopped beating, “Sapphire? Mi hermana?”

“Quin,” she stated breathlessly, and all her friends stood up straight as they looked at her. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. I heard about what happened. Are you okay? Are you alright?”

Tears gathered in her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. “No. I’m not. Quin, please, I just… I need my brother back. Please. Everything’s been going to hell.”

“I can’t do that, mi hermana. You know that; not until everything cools down,” Joaquin replied from his end of the phone. But before Sapphire could reply, Jughead zoomed back down towards them and screamed for them to leave. The cops were on their way.

“Shit. I gotta go, Joaquin. I love you and don’t be a fucking stranger. If you’re going to be running off, the least you could do is keep in contact,” she snapped before she hung up the phone and placed back in her pocket. She jumped onto the back of Sweet Pea’s motorcycle and wrapped her arms around him tightly. She tucked her head in-between his shoulder blades as he took off down the road to the familiar sound of other motorcycles and cars revving up behind them. --

Sapphire watched with a satisfied yet broken smile as Nick St. Clair, battered and bruised, was walked away in handcuffs. Even mommy and daddy’s money couldn’t save him from justice especially not when other girls came forth and told their own encounters.

She was leaving the court house when his parents walked up to her and Sapphire tensed, but the only thing that happened was his mother hugging her.

“I apologize for what Nicholas done,” the lady sniffled. Her husband right beside her nodding shooting a look of disappointment at the door his son was just lead out of.

               Sapphire choked back a sob as she tried to smile, “Thank you. I’m sorry for bringing a scandal to your family name.”

               But his father shook his head quickly, “All that matters is you and those other girls received justice. I just hope this experience should open Nicholas’ eyes.”

               Sapphire only nodded because she didn’t give a damn about Nicholas’ seeing the light. If it were up to her, he’d rot in that cell of his for the rest of his miserable life. The three exchanged a few more pleasantries before Sapphire’s security team (made up of Serpents) were leading her away from all the cameras and reporters.

When she made it home, she was told to go change into something casual. She rose a brow, but did as asked before the older Serpents were dragging her out of the house and towards the Whyte Worm. She managed a smile as she saw how much room had been added on since she bought it. Enough for there to be room for the ones who couldn’t find babysitters during meetings. An arcade for when the pool table and dart boards are full. She had to deal with a lot of sulking Serpents who were sad and frustrated during the three weeks it was closed but it was worth it.

               The second she crossed the threshold she was awarded to the sight of all the Serpents standing before her with actual streamers and balloons covering the inside of the building. In the center of it all were Sweet Pea, Toni, Jughead, and Fangs. She smiled brightly as she walked into the building accepting hugs from everyone that came up to her, congratulating her on winning her case, and telling her to call them whenever she feels unsafe.

She made it to her friends and blew out the candle on the cake that Fangs was holding. “You guys… what?”

Jughead laughed a little, “We heard that you won, and that justice was served so we decided to help you celebrate.”

Sapphire smiled again and gave each of them a hug being careful to avoid the cake in Fangs’ arms. “Thank you.”

“Anything for my Gem sister,” Toni stated as she bumped her lip lightly against Sapphire’s.

“Well let’s get this party started,” Sweet Pea yelled and cheers from the other Serpents echoed through the bar. Someone near the back turned on the radio and music fluttered through the speakers. She recognized one of the songs from the mayor’s daughter band, The Pussycats.

Sweet Pea grabbed her hands and pulled her to the dance floor as their friends went ahead of her. He pulled her close to him and held her body tight as they danced against each other. Sweet Pea watched as the music seep into her bones and it was as if it wiped away weeks of stress. Color returned to her face and her eyes seemed to spark. Her smile was brighter and filled with life as she through her hair every which of way.

He watched as her dark brown eyes disappeared as she closed her eyes to moved along to beat and the way her lips moved as she sang the lyrics. He felt a heat bubble under his skin as he looked at her. Sapphire’s eyes flickered open look at Sweet Pea as she felt how intently he was staring at her. It made her nerves tingle. She noticed the way he seemed zone out as he stared at her before she looked up to his eyes and noticed how dark they had gotten. She saw the way he rolled his lips in-between his teeth and Sapphire’s heart stopped.  

She hadn’t been in this kind of position with Sweet Pea in a while. She felt how his arm wrapped tighter around her around and pulled her almost impossibly close. The two of them were still looking in each other’s eyes as the tension spike around them.

Sweet Pea had been leaning down to kiss her when a hand on her wrist pulled her away and she spinning to dance with Toni and Jughead. Her eyes were wide as she let her mind catch up to her new predicament. Sapphire laughed nervously as she once again started to dance, but she found herself trailing her eyes over to Sweet Pea who had his eyes closed groaning at the loss opportunity once again.

A few minutes later, Toni was pulling the group off the dance floor and into the room where FP deemed as his office. Inside were presents sitting on the desk from each of her friends.

Toni smiled at her best friend, “We know that you can afford to buy whatever you want, but we still tried and its really hard to buy a gift for a person that has nearly everything.”

Sapphire laughed, “I don’t have a yacht,” she teased and grabbed the gift that Fangs handed her.

When she opened it, it was branded studded dagger with a snake carve into the hilt. Fangs looked at her smile, “Just so you can have more protection in case none of us are around.”

She smiled at him and nodded. She placed the dagger into her pocket already thinking of the perfect outfit to go with it. Then Jughead passed her a bag and she pulled out a shirt with her face on. A smirk pulled at her lips.

“Fuck me, I’m sexy as shit.”

They all laughed as she fists bumped Jughead. And took the gift that Toni presented her. “I was saving this for your birthday next year.”

In it was a scrap book filled with pictures from when Sapphire was nine and had first made friends with them up until the night of the incident with Nick. “Oh, my fuck, Paz, this is… wow.”

She hugged her Gem sister tightly and placed the book by the shirt. When she turned to look at Sweet Pea, she felt lightheaded at the sight of him down on one knee.

Fangs chuckled awkwardly, “Sweets, I love you man, but if you’re proposing to Saph, I’m going to have to kick your ass in Joaquin’s and FP’s honor.”

Toni and Jughead both laughed at his words and Sweet Pea mock glared at him. “No, I’m not proposing to her. But I am asking her to be my girlfriend.” And Sapphire’s eyes widen as she watched him pull out a box and opened it. It was a charm bracelet with two charms already on it. A small sapphire and a snake charm.

Fucking cheese on a cracker. He just asked me to be his girlfriend.

“Fuck yes,” she exclaimed as the other three cheered. Sweet Pea smiled brightly before standing up to clasp the bracelet around her wrist.

“Call me, Sweet’s Pea, bitches,” Sapphire joked as she waved around her wrist. Sweet Pea snorted before they all nearly fell over laughing. -- Sapphire was in the gym with Sweet Pea and Fangs. She had supposed to been working out with them, but ultimately got distracted with the way Sweet Pea’s muscles moved. But she hadn’t wanted him to know just what was bothering her, so she sat on floor not far away and started playing on her phone.

Her eyes flickered over her timeline before she clicked off twitter and moved on to her Tumblr. She reblogged a couple of things, made a few gifs, and liked a few posts. But she was bored and hungry.

“Be right back, boys” she stated as she pushed herself off the floor carefully avoiding looking at Sweet Pea especially since he now had his shirt off. “I won’t be long.”

“Where are you going,” Fangs questioned from his spot by the punching bags. She didn’t glance at him either because if she looked at him, then she’d look at Sweet Pea and her hormones couldn’t take that right now.

“Vending machine,” was all she mumbled before she heard movement behind her.

“Don’t worry about it,” Sweet Pea stated. “We’re just wrapping it up now.” Sapphire sighed a little before she leaned against the door waiting for the two of them. They did their cool down before moving around to clean up the equipment. Once that was finished, they grabbed their bags and headed out.

The three of them jumped into Fangs’ car before he dropped the two of them off at her house. Sapphire rose a brow because she hadn’t been informed that Sweet Pea was staying over, but she didn’t say anything as she waved goodbye to Fangs.

Everything changed the second they walked through door and locked it. One moment she was closing the door and the next moment she was pressed against the wall with Sweet Pea’s lips on hers.

He pulled back slightly at the gasp that escaped her before she was surging in and kissing him.

A groan escaped his lips and she pressed her hands on his face and kissed him with everything in her. He pushed her forward until it was as if he was trying to press her through the wall and continued to kiss her deeply. When he pulled back that time, his lips immediately latched themselves onto her neck and she was so grateful that she lived alone as she let out a loud moan.

He had a clear enough head to reach out and lock the door to the house before reattaching his lips to her neck. He felt her hands move up his back and to tug gently on his hair which a caused a low groan to escape him.

“Fuck, that was hot.”

Before Sweet Pea could make a comment, her lips are on his again and the kiss is fierce and full of love and so many unspoken words between the two of them that Sweet Pea nearly drowns in it.

She tugs on the stands of his hair again and Sweet Pea moans at the feeling. He slips his tongue into her mouth and takes pleasure in the moan he receives in retaliation. And the sound is so perfect to him.

He wonders how many different sounds she could make and how loud she could get.

Sweet Pea lowered his mouth back to her neck and placed kisses there. He sucks at the skin, pulling it in his mouth and massaging it with the flat of his tongue. He continued to pepper kisses onto her neck as she moved her hands from his hair and down to the muscle shirt that he was wearing.

He felt her cool hands press against his body and accidently thrust his lower half into Sapphire’s. She whimpers at the pleasure as she bucked her hips to get that feeling of pleasure back. His mind went blank when one of her hands slipped from his stomach and began to rub vigorously at his length through his jeans.

He barely has time to process the moment before she disappeared from his sight and the feeling of lips kissing the front of his jeans.

“Fuck…” he manages as he felt the cool air attack his legs and the warm touch that wrapped around the base of his dick.

His legs threaten to give away as she wraps her lips around him as groans escape his throat as he melts into the velvety warmth of her mouth, the lapping of her tongue, and the impossible suction that exists in there.

He places another hand on her head- to which she responds with a muffled moan and a deeper bobbing. He wants her… No, he needs her, but he’s got to stop soon before her mouth completely claims him. And dammit, is that the back of her throat?

He gently pushes her head away as he steps further out of his pants. He doesn’t say anything as she pulls him to her room with her eyes darkened with lust and her cheeks rosy. She pushed him down onto the bed and reconnected their lips as she rubbed her body against his. He thrust up against her and watch as she disconnected their lips to throw her head back in a low moan. He reached up and pulled off the hoodie she was wearing before ripping off her bra to trail his fingers across her nipples.

She had helped him remove the hoodie all the way and basically ripped away the tee he was wearing. Sweet Pea flipped the two of them over before he began kissing across her bare chest. He slid his hands down pass the tights and underwear she was wearing and rubbed his fingers against her folds.

That time she let out a loud moan as he traces a line of kisses to her right nipple, reverently guiding it into his mouth with his tongue as his left hand gently cups her left breast, softly massaging it with tender care and attention.

Her hand makes its way back to his hair-stilling him in his place as if he was even thinking about moving anytime soon.

He goes back to slowly, achingly, teasingly sliding his hand between her folds before his middle finger settles on her clitoris and make swirl softly and gently around it, occasionally pressing in to alternate the pressure. She let out her loudest moan yet as her pelvis involuntarily bucked against his finger in a desperate plea to continue.

Even with his hand still so far down, she pulls him back up towards her and kisses him fiercely. The sound of their moans as their tongues fight for dominance. He takes the plunge and slides his finger into her. She shuddered against him as he began to slowly slide the finger in and out, along with gentle, tender circles around her clit as she danced on the surface of her building orgasm with the abyss of curses, loud screams, and warm pleasure. But he could tell them as she grew closer to her orgasm.

There was a wild look in her eyes when he removed his finger from inside her. She pulls Sweet Pea to an upright position, turned him around, and pushed him onto the bed as her lust took over her.

There’s only one look when you’re in the grip of passion and lust, only one look where all you can think about is fucking someone senseless, and Sweet Pea sees that she has that look down to perfection as she hastily slides out of her underwear.

He took a moment to curse for any other guy that had the pleasure of seeing her in this way.

For a moment, Sweet Pea is struck with how beautiful she is. His mind was constantly flashing back to times before everything went to hell as they rode and caused havoc across the Southside either with each other or with the friends. He remembered the first time they had sex in the concession stand at the Twilight Drive In. The time he took her virginity.

Then he comes back to his senses as he felt something smooth roll over his dick. He blinked as he felt the grip around his dick, holding it into position as she slowly lowers herself onto him. Powerful moans, repeated curses and many, many utters of blasphemous phrases fall from her mouth mingled with the moans of her name and outright pleasured groans from him, and while she completes her descent, she kept her hands on his chest while his rested on her hips.

She moans again as he begins to fill her completely inside, her hips slowly riding him as she begins accommodating his length, the muscles involuntarily were pulling the rest of him in. It’s all he can do to hold himself back, especially when she looks at him and sees the look of pure and undisguised love that was in her eyes.

The bucking increases in speed and strength as she feels the familiar buildup in her core, and Sweet Pea has to distract himself by moving his hands up her chest to focus on something other than his own buildup, to which she responds by grasping them and attaching them firmly to her breasts before returning her own hands to his chest.

The furious motions become almost bruising until, inexorably, she falls off the edge of rationality and into the acute lighting storm of orgasmic pleasure, throwing her head back and screaming his name at the top of her lungs, dragging her nails across his chest and letting her hips thrust against him in involuntary power.

It probably didn’t help that he was thrusting back up in her to heighten the sensation for her.

Then he slowly slides out of her, makes sure the condom is still good enough to use, before he makes his way behind her. And when he slides himself back into her with a guttural growl from his throat and loud, high pitched moan from hers, with his hands firmly on her hips as her ass is in the air, he takes immense pleasure of being back in another familiar position with her after so long.

Causing a rhythm, Sweet Pea slowly started thrusting and he bucked his hips gently against hers. After a while they had begun a steady pumping and were again both moaning loudly enjoying the sensation of a perfect connection. He slipped one hand away from her waist and moved back towards her folds again rubbing teasing circles around her clitoris. He felt Sapphire clamp around him whenever he reached a certain depth, knowing he hit the girl’s spot and forced moans that grew louder with each snap of his hips.

He gripped her by her hair, his fingers tugging whenever he thrusted deeper into her. The moans of pleasure and pain that were coming from the girl were like music to his ears, as he continued to swirl his finger around her. A moan passed her lips as she flipped around with him still inside of her pulling him closer and tighter against her body. She wrapped her legs around him as she forced him to go deeper inside of her.

He couldn’t believe he almost forgot how good sex could be, feel so right and fulfilling. He didn’t want it to end. He could feel his own orgasm build up as he forced himself to go slower inside of her. She whined as she arched up prettily against him trying to desperately get him to continue his actions. He didn’t say anything as he looked into her eyes again and kissed her deeply. She moaned even as he started to pepper her face with kisses repeating repeatedly, “I love you. I love you. I love you.”

He had plunged deeper into her when he felt his orgasm hit the edge and take control as she clamped down tightly over him. They both came with loud moans of each other names and breathed deeply at the end.

He slowly pulled out of her, tied the condom up and threw it in the trash in the room before crawling back into the bed with her. She gazed at him lovingly as he wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly.

“I love you too, Sweet Pea.”

The day afterwards, the two of them walked into school. Sweet Pea had his arm wrapped around Sapphire and she was back to her usual self. No more ponytails and whatever she laid her hands. Now back to carefully picked out outfits and hair buns, French braids etc. They parted ways with Sweet Pea giving her a deep kiss right in front of a group of Ghoulies that were staring at her boobs. When they pulled away from each other, they became aware of the cheers from the other Serpents and both fought off their blushes. But the two did managed to throw smirks over their shoulders at their friends as Sapphire made her way into her classroom and Sweet Pea continued to his class.

The day passed on with many of Serpents coming up to the two of them congratulating them on finally getting their head out of their asses and getting together. They had been sitting in the back of their English class laughing together as their substitute parading around trying to get their attention. Sapphire found it kind of funny, since you know, their last English teacher turned out to be a drug dealer.

“Excuse, Miss Anna, may I go to the bathroom?” Sapphire requested feeling like her bladder was about to burst. The lady nodded her head nervously failing in subtlety glancing at the serpent emblem on her jacket. Sapphire rolled her eyes before taking the pass to the ladies’ room.

She walked in and handled her business before she left out to see a figure with a black ski mask covering their face. She had barely managed to scream before a bullet was flying into her gut.

Down the hallway, everyone jumped in their seats when they heard the scream. The four Serpents left in the English class turned to each other paling a little before jumping out of their seats. They had just exited the classroom a second after a figure left out the door.

Toni ran towards the restroom and opening the door to see Sapphire lying on the ground groaning in pain.

               “Call the police,” she yelled as she ran to her best friend’s side taking care to put pressure on her wound. Jughead pulled out his phone quickly already dialing the number. Sweet Pea and Fangs ran into the room also but stopped short at the words on the wall.

Serpent Slut

               “They’re on their way,” Jughead stated before he too stops short at the words on the wall. Sweet Pea turned around furious glaring at the people crowding in the doorway trying to get by. He walked up to a small rookie Serpent and grabbed a fistful of their shirt. “Go get the rest of your den now.”

   Fangs had moved back to the door pushing everyone away as Sapphire groaned and moaned in pain. “T, it hurts.”

               “I know, Saph. Don’t worry, help is on the way,” Toni stated brushing the hair out of Sapphire’s face. A sheen amount of sweat adorned her face as she slowly started to lose consciousness from the pain. “No. No. No. No, Sapphire stay woke. Please.”

               Sweet Pea hurried back over to her side cursing the police and ambulance for taking so long. “Sapphire. Baby, look at me. Come on. Sweetheart.”

               Sapphire could hear the voices of her loved ones, but the pain was so overbearing, and she eventually gave in to the darkness pulling at her.

[tarantula-hawk-wasp]

Bat Paladin Chapter 3

Voltron / batfam /dc comics crossover

chapter 1

chapter 2 Shiro is Bruce Wayne’s adopted son and part of the batfam AU created by me (I was the anon) and @newtsckamander Chapter 3/ ~10 Word count 3.8k I’m sorry formatting is messy, I posted from mobile

******* In general, things get easier with repetition. Stage actors recite lines over and over until they’re engrained in memory. Athletes develop muscles through use. Accuracy is learned by doing the same shot a thousand times.

Bruce wished grief and loss operated by this principle.

He was no stranger to death. From that fateful night in his childhood when he lost his parents, to friends and young partners, he had buried many people. He had mourned and struggled to move on and coped with so much loss.

And yet, a vast majority of those people he had grieved for had come back. Jason had come back. Stephanie had actually survived. Clark and perhaps half the league had been considered dead at some point. Statistically, Bruce should be skeptical of the validity of any presumed death.

Experience now left him in a rather precarious position. A bit like schrodinger’s cat, Shiro was presumed dead but had a chance of being alive. The question now was which did Bruce focus on. Mourning him under the assumption he was dead like his parents and most of the population, while harbouring the slight and fated-to-be-slowly-crushed hope that presumptions were wrong and he was alive? Or to expect him to be alive and have reality wear down on him with each day of uncertain absence? Either one could destroy him in the long run.

And how long did he search? How far into space until Shiro was truly beyond any hope of finding? Did he continue like a one-track record while his friends agreed to search to his face and then plotted interventions behind his back? And what approach did he take with the rest of the family? Would it be healthier for them to mourn without doubt? Or to harbour hope that he would be found?

Instead of lessening his conundrum, investigation only exacerbated it.

A Justice League investigation of the icy moon had found no evidence of the spaceship crashing. In fact, the vehicle was completely intact. Shiro and the Holts had made it safely to Kerberos and had left their ship in their excursion suits with all the planned equipment.

The first experiment site however, told a darker tale.

Every part of the Kerberos mission was expertly planned. GPS and previous probes had plotted down to the meter where the work was to be conducted.

That exact location was decimated. Something powerful had wrought a swath of destruction that had shredded the ice and rock surface and left only mangled fragments of the metal drill tripod.

The part that left the most questions was the lack of evidence of the crew. No fragments of spacesuits. No helmet shards. No fabric fibers. No bodies. No charred carbon. They were simply gone.

The worst case scenario was that they were dead in some way that left no evidence, but no other matter was missing from the area. Re-arranged, yes, but unaccounted for? No.

Until the Green Lanterns returned from meeting with the Guardians, there was no way to identify any residual alien energy or microparticles they might have found.

Bruce’s desperate hope for his son was alien abduction.

****** A telescope was added to the memorial case.

It looked as out of place as it felt - a mundane object flanked by costume-clad mannequin torsos and propped weaponry. It had been the first gift Bruce had given Shiro. A settling-in present after he’d lived with him for a month and offhandedly mentioned over dinner how many more stars he could see from the Wayne property than the city. So Bruce had bought him a telescope.

It was moderately sized, nothing huge but big enough that Shiro could see some of the fainter and more delicate nebulae.

Shiro had been enamored with it. Astronomy became his nightly activity when he wasn’t helping man the batcomputer, allowing him to be on a schedule more compatible with the family.

Bruce remembered many times when he’d come up from the batcave after patrol to find Shiro clothed but asleep in a chair with a star chart open in his lap, and when woken, he’d drag Bruce to the telescope he’d left outside to show him some Messier object.

It became accepted fact that if there was any sort of high profile event at an observatory or space exhibit, Bruce Wayne would be accompanying his middle son there.

Recently, the observatory had invited Bruce for the first use of a new lens the Wayne family had donated money for a year ago. Bruce declined to attend. The observatory said they understood and expressed their empathy. The tabloids understood his absence too.

One of the truly worst things about a civilian identity was the public relations of when things like this happened. Even if he had a search underway for what really happened to Shiro’s, he still had to deal with the civilian side of things.

When Jason had died it had been easier to keep things low key and although the family had celebrity status then, not there was a whole decade more of notoriety. Shiro had been a public figure as an adult in his own right. And the mere fact he was an adult added levels of complexity.

Like lawyers, and wills.

Shiro’s last will and testament was a harsh, physical reminder that his son was a decade older than Jason had been. Shiro had an impeccable will, drawn up by a Wayne recommended firm.

He left a few sums to various funds, plans for a new charity, and items for his brothers and sisters and for his oft-spoken-of friend Keith.

***

Shiro’s death was public knowledge and scandal, on the news for weeks and then months as the Garrison investigation into the incident continued.

There were three memorials Bruce had felt obligated to attend.

The private one that the Justice League attended, with friends whose raw glances of sympathy were the only ones Bruce found tolerable. They had known Shiro for the decade since his adoption and were also feeling his loss keenly.

There was the public memorial held in Gotham where a crowd turned out and lay flowers and ribbons for one of the city’s famous sons. Gotham had been proud to have famously from her embark on a historic space mission. Shiro’s publicity tour before the mission had been well received. Bruce hadn’t minded saying a few words to the crowd there as much as he feared he would.

Then there was the Garrison memorial attended by both those graduated and attending there.

Shiro’s training team and close friends were sitting in their own section next to the one for families of the team. There was a variety of twenty-somethings and one younger teen that Bruce recognized as Keith.

Bruce had never actually meet Keith. He had heard much about Keith. Shiro had called and told him many stories about Keith, including on the day they had met. Bruce had seen many photos and short videos of Keith. But Bruce had never met Keith in person.

And a memorial was a hard place to start.

After the Garrison speech that waxed poetic on his son’s talents and love of his job and a touching note about how his contributions to science would not be forgotten, Bruce exchanged sympathy with the Holts and intended to introduce himself to the boy. But by then Keith had left. ****** Hal Jordan was standing in his usual civilian clothes and jacket in front of the memorial case staring at the telescope with wet tracks on his face.

Bruce put his coffee mug down on the nearest flat surface.

“I just got back from Oa… Diana told me…” he didn’t turn to look at Bruce. Bruce grunted noncommittally. “I didn’t know… I waved at Pluto as I passed…”

“He would have appreciated that.” Bruce eventually said.

“I’m heading back out. I’ll scan everything. I just- I needed to come here first.” Hal finally faced Bruce, eyes searching. “I keep picturing when he was a kid and he’d follow me around the watchtower asking questions. Every flight back to Earth I’d spend preparing what stories I’d tell him. I was so proud when he aced piloting and when he was selected for this mission, but now I can’t help but fear this was all somehow because of my influence. Piloting… space…”

“Hal… Shiro loved space since long before even I knew him. As much as you’re his favorite Uncle, he was determined on this path since childhood. You can’t blame yourself any more than I can for letting him go to that school.” They were standing next to each other, shoulder to shoulder facing the case again. Hal nodded silently but grateful.

“I’m going to search Kerberos for any clues. Then I’ll go back to Oa to research. If he’s out there, I won’t give up until I’ve found him or the truth.” Hal declared, voice heavy, and then flew out the cave entrance.

* * * * * In the past decade or so, Bruce’s social persona had become more bearable. “Brucie” had transitioned from “ditzy but well-meaning playboy” to “ditzy but well-meaning playboy and father”. His public persona had to appear responsible enough for no one to question his custody of half a dozen youths.

Bruce had found the easiest way to accomplish this was to cultivate a new hobby of showing off his kids at any opportunity. He had a wallet packed with school photos, albums of pics and videos on his phone, and a wealth of stories he could share in any conversation.

Instead of having to convince people that “Brucie” had suddenly become an extremely responsible adult, he could simply start bragging.

“My Cassie is doing triple pirouettes in ballet, I have a video of it right here that you simply must see”

“Look at Damian and his science project! I don’t think our carpets will ever be the same.”

“Shiro sent me this pic from the flight simulator at his astronaut school. He’s top of his class and set a school record for highest score”

It was far more satisfying than bumbling and flirting had been in his younger years. He still winked at the ladies and broke a few wine glasses every now and then, but mostly he blathered about his brood. This had the added benefit of boring and discouraging gold-diggers and those arrogant people who disapproved of the bloodlines of most of his family. Bruce was proud that there was so much to boast about.

Of course now his public reputation as a family-man and celebrity status meant that he had to address what happened on multiple television shows, and magazine interviews, and online forums.

It was a seemingly unending slur of similar statements.

“Shiro knew the risks, it’s like I said in the Kent interview for the Daily Planet, Shiro talked it over with the family, he felt that any danger was worth it and even in his will he reminded us that this was what he wanted to dedicate his life to, however much time that would be.”

“I think - and I’d hope I’d know as his adoptive father - that what Shiro would want for the future of space exploration would be for it to continue. Learn from his mission, make it so the next one is a success. Go beyond Kerberos someday. Meet some aliens.”

“It’s hard on all of us, but we’re trying to get through it as a family, to remember the better times.”

“No, I don’t blame the Garrison, like I’ve said, Shiro accepted the risks and chose that job. Now we have to accept what Shiro wanted. I’ve always said I encourage the kids’ interests and respect their decisions, I can’t stop doing that just because I don’t like the outcome.”

“What do I have to say to the parents of kids who want to be astronauts? Encourage them. Buy them a telescope, watch their eyes light up at night. In fact, that’s why I’m creating the Shiro Space Foundation, to help fund and organize the formation of astronomy clubs in schools. Because that’s what my son would want.”

Slowly the media ran out of similar questions and sympathy statements to use the Wayne name with, but Bruce knew that each release of new info about the mission would only restart the onslaught.

***** Dick and Cass went to collect a few of Shiro’s things and some gifts and cards from the Garrison.

They also were checking in on Keith, something requested in Shiro’s will.

Dick reported back that he was seeing the facilities counselor for required visits and that a few upperclassmen who had been friends with Shiro were keeping an eye on him.

Cass told Bruce that she read the boy as taking it hard and blaming authority.

Jason came back from a second visit laughing bitterly. Apparently Keith knew of him from stories as “Jay”, Shiro’s brother who hated the media and therefore hid from it. Jason then made a bittersweet observation.

“He’s an angry at the world black haired orphan. Apparently your taste in trainee is a family trait. That’s probably why he never brought him home here, Alfred would have given him a room thinking he was one of yours.”

Bruce tried to focus on how proud he was of Shiro for taking someone under his wing. That kind of compassion was an excellent trait to have.

*******

Batman hesitated before emerging from the shadows on the rooftop. Around the corner of the structure housing the roof-exit access Spoiler and Red Hood were supposed to be waiting for him. But he heard a third, female voice that was not Black Bat. It was Catwoman, but her tone was serious.

“-y’know him, he’s getting a little antsy,definitely plotting, but the rest of us can keep him distracted for a few more weeks at least.”

“Even the time you’ve given us so far has helped. I don’t know if he’s noticed but-” Red Hood was the one to reply.

“-Not that we couldn’t have handled it without him, but he’d take control of everything.” Spoiler interjected with a hint of defensiveness. Batman could picture her crossed arms and cocked jaw.

“I know. And if something does happen, I’m not the only one willing to help you this time.” Catwoman reassured. “The Rogues respect Batman enough to give him time to mourn, plus, you heroes hit harder when you’re upset.”

Batman felt a cold wash percolate down his spine at the vague reminder of what had happened. He aggressively ignored that to digest the new information. Retrospectively, the past few weeks had been quiet, with no capers by the usual miscreants, only mundane petty criminal violence.

The past month had left him so busy with his civilian life that he hadn’t had time to dwell on why things had been so quiet after hours. Suddenly a number of recent events made far more sense in the lense of the Rogues knowing something.

The flowers on his patrol route being unseasonably lush with their blooms open a little longer past dusk than natural.

Harleen Quinzel saluting him with a solemn expression while walking her hyenas in pajamas at five in the morning.

Bank robbers found trying to thaw out their getaway car’s frozen engine.

Batman was brought back to the conversation by Red Hood speaking again.

“What exactly did you tell them? Because it’s not like they ever saw-… It’s not like when it was me and they noticed the lack of Robin.”

“I kept it vague,” Catwoman paused, voice tired, “Just that Batman had an adult civilian son and he…”Her voice choked off. “That was enough for them to understand. Enough of them have civilian relatives themselves.”

“Thank you.” Spoiler reiterated.

“Of course. And how are you kids handling it. I know I’m no counselor but Batman is an emotional brick. If you need to talk…” Catwoman offered.

“It’s hard but we’re all working through it together.” Spoiler answered slowly.

“Yeah, helps that there’s no hard feelings and no blame… just grief. He was… he was close to each of us in a different way and that’s something we all have in common.”

“There are a lot of good times to remember and talk about.”

“I’m rather relieved you’re coping well. I didn’t know him as well as you, but from our limited encounters, I am grateful I knew him.”

Catwoman was gone when Batman showed up on the rooftop to confer with his silently waiting partners. *****

Bruce had loved the night for years. He spent most of his time out in the dark and, in between the moments of staccato sensation of fighting, there was the peace and calm. The lights of Gotham danced in the streets below him, a distant world of nightly reverie he watched and protected.

Thirty years ago, before the ordinances and bulb replacement projects he had heavily backed, the light pollution from the street lights and skyscrapers had drowned out all but the brightest of stars from the sky. Now it was greatly lessened and entire constellations were visible in the breaks in the clouds.

Bruce could remember driving out to the countryside with his parents as a small boy, lying out on a blanket on a grassy hill, and marvelling at the constellations while his parents spun the tales of the myths that those celestial patterns told.

Now, the stars were mocking points of light - too literal spots of hope on the inky darkness of reality. The night sky held Bruce’s hopes and fears.

If he felt embittered by the sky from Gotham, it was nothing to time on the Watchtower. He did not let himself shirk monitor duties there, no matter how many offers of coverage he was given by every other member of the League. Instead he would carry out his shift, sitting in a silence more stony than previous, resolutely focusing on the computers and monitors, not the expansive viewports.

He still freshly remembered the first time Shiro had come to the watchtower. He had left Gotham to Dick, Jason, and Barbara and taken Shiro to the nearly empty space station. Shiro hadn’t asked to see the Watchtower after he had found out that the league had a headquarters in orbit, he had still been too hesitant with his role in his new family and afraid of pushing a limit to request that. He had, however, asked a slew of questions about the station and the brightness in his eyes had allayed any reservations Bruce may have had about taking a “civilian” there.

Shiro had been fourteen and a set of long, coltish limbs restraining trembles of excitement. His arms had been clinging to a stack of books - homework and an astronomy book - and his eyes had been wide behind the rudimentary domino mask Bruce had deemed necessary.

Diana had smiled at his enthusiasm on her way out.

Bruce had picked a night where the only league members present were ones who already knew his identity, Shiro’s wasn’t one he was willing to risk haphazardly. The less people who knew about his connection to Batman, the safer both the family’s identities and Shiro himself were.

He had given Shiro a tour, showing and explaining much of the systems that ran the watchtower and lingering at viewports on each side. Then they had returned to the monitors and Shiro had spent the rest of the evening staring out the windows and telling Bruce his observations.

In his early teen years Shiro became a fixture of Bruce’s shifts there. He went with him every opportunity he was allowed. Bruce also liked that it let Shiro meet his “coworkers” without having Shiro anywhere near real combat or inviting more people to the batcave.

Even as he aged, Bruce had given him clearance to come to the watchtower to visit during weekends off from the school campus.

He associated the watchtower nearly as much with Shiro as associated it with the Justice League. It was a hard place to be.

**** It was the middle of the afternoon when Bruce’s phone pinged. His personal cellphone that was linked with the bat computer.

Damian was at work with him today, rocking in a swivel chair with a textbook balanced on his knees, and he lunged for the device before Bruce could.

“I know what phone this is. Is there some attack or something happening?” He read the notification with a furrowed brow, textbook readily abandoned and shoved to the floor.

Bruce reached over and snatched the device out of his hands. It was a series of symbols and code words sent to him by an automated monitoring system linked to the batcomputer. He opened his laptop, inserted a black bat-logo’d flash drive, and interfaced with the cave computer.

“Someone’s hacking a specific part of the Garrison computer.” Bruce said to fill Damian in. His son had moved to hover around his right side to watch the screen over his shoulder.

“Why would they do that? Is someone trying to launch a rocket?”

“No, they’re accessing probe and transmission records from a secure file. What I’m trying to figure out is who’s doing it.” Bruce explained, fingers moving quickly and gaze focused.

“Is it foreign? Wasn’t Luthor mad that space exploration privatized?” Damian speculated. Bruce grunted and frowned, pausing. He was secretly keeping tabs on anything related to the Garrison Kerberos mission. He had minor alerts for new or changed information in them, copies of all deleted files, and notifications when certain people accessed them. This was the first time a compromise alert had come in.

“The hacking coming from inside an office at the Garrison headquarters. But the computer is marking it as an intrusion.”

“Maybe the guy just forgot his password.” Damian was obviously disappointed at the anticlimactic answer.

“Ah. Whomever is doing this is using outdated security passwords for minor things. Passwords that weren’t flagged immediately as incorrect.” Bruce’s brow uncreased.

“Why? Shouldn’t a facility like that have at least some cyber security?”

“They do. Their computer didn’t automatically classify this as an attack because the codes used were those of Sam Holt.”

“Oh.” Damian became quiet, almost cautious, the way that was becoming typical with anything regarding Shiro. Bruce appreciated that Damian, who often frankly expressed his opinions of people, had been keeping quiet about Shiro and what happened around his siblings. Damian was very hit or miss for his interactions with people and only then in the long run. Bruce, despite mental efforts otherwise, found himself wondering at the lost potential of what Shiro and Damian’s relationship would have been.

The results of a cursory look at the Garrison indoor security cameras proved Bruce’s hypothesis of the identity of the hacker correct. He closed his laptop. It would be hypocritical to deny access to her when she had as much right to those files and the truth as he did and for the same reasons.

[danithebookaholic-blog]

Book of the Month - April 2018

The Girl Who Smiled Beads A Story of War and What Comes After

By Clemantine Wamariya and Elizabeth Weil

This month's Book of the Month Club selections were, again, kind of all over the place, which always makes me happy! I like trying new things! A couple thrillers, a memoir, a historical fantasy and a sci-fi; what more could I ask for to choose from?!

Our Kind of Cruelty by Araminta Hall (A thriller, BOTM Exclusive):

This is a love story. Mike’s love story.

Mike Hayes fought his way out of a brutal childhood and into a quiet, if lonely, life before he met Verity Metcalf. V taught him about love, and in return, Mike has dedicated his life to making her happy. He’s found the perfect home, the perfect job; he’s sculpted himself into the physical ideal V has always wanted. He knows they’ll be blissfully happy together.

It doesn’t matter that she hasn’t been returning his e-mails or phone calls. It doesn’t matter that she says she’s marrying Angus.

It’s all just part of the secret game they used to play. If Mike watches V closely, he’ll see the signs. If he keeps track of her every move, he’ll know just when to come to her rescue . . .

A spellbinding, darkly twisted novel about desire and obsession, and the complicated lines between truth and perception, Our Kind of Cruelty introduces Araminta Hall, a chilling new voice in psychological suspense.

Circe by Madeline Miller (The Historical Fantasy):

In the house of Helios, god of the sun and mightiest of the Titans, a daughter is born. But Circe is a strange child—not powerful, like her father, nor viciously alluring like her mother. Turning to the world of mortals for companionship, she discovers that she does possess power—the power of witchcraft, which can transform rivals into monsters and menace the gods themselves.

Threatened, Zeus banishes her to a deserted island, where she hones her occult craft, tames wild beasts and crosses paths with many of the most famous figures in all of mythology, including the Minotaur, Daedalus and his doomed son Icarus, the murderous Medea, and, of course, wily Odysseus.

But there is danger, too, for a woman who stands alone, and Circe unwittingly draws the wrath of both men and gods, ultimately finding herself pitted against one of the most terrifying and vengeful of the Olympians. To protect what she loves most, Circe must summon all her strength and choose, once and for all, whether she belongs with the gods she is born from, or the mortals she has come to love.

With unforgettably vivid characters, mesmerizing language and page-turning suspense, Circe is a triumph of storytelling, an intoxicating epic of family rivalry, palace intrigue, love and loss, as well as a celebration of indomitable female strength in a man's world.

Then She was Gone by Lisa Jewell (The other thriller):

Ellie Mack was the perfect daughter. She was fifteen, the youngest of three. She was beloved by her parents, friends, and teachers. She and her boyfriend made a teenaged golden couple. She was days away from an idyllic post-exams summer vacation, with her whole life ahead of her.

And then she was gone.

Now, her mother Laurel Mack is trying to put her life back together. It’s been ten years since her daughter disappeared, seven years since her marriage ended, and only months since the last clue in Ellie’s case was unearthed. So when she meets an unexpectedly charming man in a café, no one is more surprised than Laurel at how quickly their flirtation develops into something deeper. Before she knows it, she’s meeting Floyd’s daughters—and his youngest, Poppy, takes Laurel’s breath away.

Because looking at Poppy is like looking at Ellie. And now, the unanswered questions she’s tried so hard to put to rest begin to haunt Laurel anew. Where did Ellie go? Did she really run away from home, as the police have long suspected, or was there a more sinister reason for her disappearance? Who is Floyd, really? And why does his daughter remind Laurel so viscerally of her own missing girl?

The Oracle Year by Charles Soule (The Sci-Fi Debut):

Knowledge is power. So when an unassuming Manhattan bassist named Will Dando awakens from a dream one morning with 108 predictions about the future in his head, he rapidly finds himself the most powerful man in the world. Protecting his anonymity by calling himself the Oracle, he sets up a heavily guarded Web site with the help of his friend Hamza to selectively announce his revelations. In no time, global corporations are offering him millions for exclusive access, eager to profit from his prophecies.

He's also making a lot of high-powered enemies, from the President of the United States and a nationally prominent televangelist to a warlord with a nuclear missile and an assassin grandmother. Legions of cyber spies are unleashed to hack the Site—as it's come to be called—and the best manhunters money can buy are deployed not only to unmask the Oracle but to take him out of the game entirely. With only a handful of people he can trust—including a beautiful journalist—it's all Will can do to simply survive, elude exposure, and protect those he loves long enough to use his knowledge to save the world.

Delivering fast-paced adventure on a global scale as well as sharp-witted satire on our concepts of power and faith, Marvel writer Charles Soule's audacious debut novel takes readers on a rollicking ride where it's impossible to predict what will happen next.

Reading through the different synopsis I knew I was going to get a couple different ones (surprise, surprise!), but once I read the synopsis for The Girl Who Smiled Beads (the debut memoir) , I knew it was the one I wanted to read for this month's BOTM review. 

Some History:

Clemantine Wamariya is a storyteller and human rights advocate. Born in Kigali, Rwanda, displaced by conflict, Clemantine migrated through seven African countries as a child. At age twelve, she was granted refugee status in the United States and went on to receive a BA in comparative literature from Yale University. She lives in San Francisco.

Elizabeth Weil is a contributing writer to the New York Times Magazine. She lives in San Francisco with her husband and two daughters.

The Synopsis:

Clemantine Wamariya was six years old when her mother and father began to speak in whispers, when neighbors began to disappear, and when she heard the loud, ugly sounds her brother said were thunder. In 1994, she and her fifteen-year-old sister, Claire, fled the Rwandan massacre and spent the next six years migrating through seven African countries, searching for safety - perpetually hungry, imprisoned and abused, enduring and escaping refugee camps, finding unexpected kindness, witnessing inhuman cruelty. They did not know whether their parents were alive or dead.

When Clemantine was twelve, she and her sister were granted refugee status in the United States; there, in Chicago, their lives diverged. Though their bond remained unbreakable, Claire, who had for so long protected and provided for Clemantine, was a single mother struggling to make ends meet, while Clemantine was taken in by a family who raised her as their own. She seemed - at least on the surface - to be living the American dream: attending private school, taking up cheerleading, and , ultimately, graduating from Yale. Yet the years of being treated as less than human, of going hungry and seeing death, could not be erased. She felt at the same time six years old and one hundred years old.

In The Girl Who Smiled Beads, Clemantine provokes us to look beyond the label of "victim" and recognize the power of imagination to transcend even the most profound injuries and aftershocks. Devastating yet beautiful, and bracingly original, it is a powerful testament to her commitment to constructing a life on her own terms. (Crown Publishing Group)

The Review & Wrap-Up:

The Girl Who Smiled Beads is disheartening and powerful, heartbreaking and encouraging, hateful and angry, yet loving and kind. It will have you so twisted and knotted up in your emotions that you won't know what to think, much like the life of Clemantine.

While reading this book I felt so much pain and anger for Clemantine and her sister Claire, he amount of pain and suffering that they endured just broke my hear, yet to see their perseverance, and strength to make it through, alone and at such a young age is incredible. To have a minuscule of strength they had would be like being Wonder Woman times two!

I really enjoyed reading The Girl Who Smiled Beads. It reopened my eyes to the terrors and hardships that really do occur in this world, while I sit back and deal with my first world issues. It's hard to imagine the world that Clemantine comes from; a world that she longs to be a child in again. 

If you're into world problems: read this book. If you're looking to learn more about the world you live in: read this book. If you're even remotely human: Read. This. Book!

 From one bookaholic to another, I hope I’ve helped you find your next fix. —Dani

Dani's Score out of 5: 📚📚📚📚

Love this book? To learn more about the Rwanda genocide, check out Machete Season: The Killers in Rwanda Speak by Jean Hatzfeld.

The genocidal massacre of almost a million people in Rwanda more than a decade ago may be fading into history, but the killers are with us still, and so is the moral problem of trying to understand how such terrible crimes could have been committed. Jean Hatzfeld's astonishing account of conversations he had with some of the killers, now convicted and in jail - men who had rampaged across the fields, singing as they went, hacking to death 50,000 out of 59,000 of their neighbors - offers extraordinary insights into the nature of this collective crime. But, as Hatzfeld understands, the killers' words raise as many questions as they answer.

The ten men Hatzfeld interviewed had been friends from childhood who had stayed together during their genocidal "job," as they called  it, and then in their flight to exile in Congo, during their subsequent capture and trials, and no in prison. They freely spoke to Hatzfeld about what life had been like during those terrible weeks in the spring of 1994, and what they thought about what they had done.

There has never been testimony like this. "The offenders know more than the basic facts," one acknowledges. "They have secrets in their souls." Another simply says, "Killing was less wearisome than farming." "A man is like an animal: you give him a whack on the head or the neck, and down he goes," says another. Why were they willing to talk? Did they distinguish truth from self-defensive evasion about this gruesome killing spree? Did they seek reconciliation, forgiveness, understanding? Were they remorseless, or did they suffer the nightmares of the damned?

Hatzfeld's report on this horrific testimony is humane and wise, and he relates the unprecedented material he obtained from the génocidaires to what we know of other war crimes and genocidal episodes. It has sometimes been suggested that only depraved and monstrous men could perpetrate such crimes, but it may be, Hatzfeld suggests, that these terrible actions are within the realm of ordinary human conduct.

To read this disturbing, lucid book and to hear the killers' chilling voices is to consider in a new light the foundation of human morality and ethics. (Farrar, Straus and Giroux)

Start a conversation: If you were in a genocide situation, would you be able to perservere? How? What are the strengths you possess that would pull you  through?

Have a book you’d like to suggest or one you’d like me to review? Please feel free to leave your comments down below.

[fostertoforever]

4 Days...

I don’t even know where to begin with this post, but this story needs to be written..told..shared. First, let’s do a life update…Baby C is still with us. She’s an amazing little person. She’s always so smiley, happy, and bouncy. She sleeps through the night, she eats her food like a champ, and is rarely fussy. She’s honestly a dream come true and we are so blessed to have her in our home and in our lives. But, we fear she will only be with us for a little while longer. Her birth mama is doing everything she is supposed to do. She wasn’t at first. She ended up in jail for a few months and was failing her improvement plan, but the good ole system, has given her another chance after chance after chance, and she’s on the right track now to get her daughter back. I’m not gonna lie, every time the social worker/visitation supervisor tells me “the visit went great!” or “mom is doing really well!” I die a little inside. Guys, I try. I try to remember that the goal of fostering is reunification. The goal is for birth parents to get their lives back together and to get their kids back and be one big happy family. But gosh darnit, I get bitter and discouraged sometimes. Like when I’m up rocking their daughter to sleep in the middle of the night. Or I’m sucking snot out of their daughter’s nose because she has chronic sinus issues because they chose to do drugs while they were pregnant with her. Her face lights up when she sees ME. She cries “Mama!” and reaches out for ME. I can soothe her when no one else can. Do they know that she likes to listen to the B52s? That she loves Baby Einstein videos? That she loves chicken and noodles baby food? Do they know the difference between her sleepy cry and her hungry cry? Next, let me tell you about another little girl who doesn’t even know I exist, but she has a piece of my heart. P’s biological sister, who is now three years old, and I’ll call P2, has been living with their birth mom in some less than safe environments in several states, running from child services. I’m a crazy person, so I’ve totally been Internet stalking them for years. Before P2 was born, we were told we would be getting her at birth. She’s only 13 months older than P, so we were excited to get the opportunity to have a baby again so soon. P is our whole world, and we looked very very very forward to having her. Well, birth mom fled the state, gave birth in another state, and even though she was living in homeless shelters, and exhibiting extremely questionable parenting skills, THAT state said she could keep the baby. After that, from what I’ve learned, it was one mess after another, and she moved from state to state to state. Then, about a month ago, we learned that P2 had been taken into foster care. Now, now, don’t get too excited just yet. Remember…the goal is always reunification!!! So, despite the fact that we have her older biological brother, and that we would love to have her and raise her, she is remaining in foster care in that state, so she can possibly reunify with her mother at some point. The county who has custody of P2 knows we exist and will consider us for an adoptive home if the case would progress to that. And so, we wait. All I do is wait. In the meantime, late one night last week, I got a call from one of my coworkers, who is also an adoptive mama. She and her husband have adopted two babies through private adoption. A young, scared pregnant girl had reached out to them and asked them if they’d be interested in adopting her unborn baby. They said no, but then told her they knew someone who would be wonderful and who would be interested. And so, with the blessing of our family and friends, we entered this girl’s world. And for four whole days, my husband and I fell desperately in love with an unborn baby girl. I spent days texting this young mama and easing her mind. She was grateful and confident in her choice. I felt a buzz, a high, a total excitement I can’t begin to describe. Yes, in the back of my mind, I knew there was always a real possibility this girl could change her mind, but she continually assured us she had made up her mind and we were perfect. I don’t doubt for a second she wasn’t genuine in what she said and shared with us. She wanted me to take her to her last remaining doctor appointments, she told us her birth plan and wanted me in the delivery room with her, that she wanted the baby handed to me and not her right out of the womb. That she had a ton of things to give us for the baby. This went on and on all hours of the day and night for four days. Texting, calling, sharing intimate details, wishing, hoping, praying, crying, planning, celebrating, thinking, dreaming, etc. all together, between a birth mom and me, a desperate and hopeful mom. I felt this instant connection to this young mama and I felt her fear, excitement, and love for the baby. My husband and I met her face to face and all three of us were on board and ready. I talked to her about her future after the baby. I offered to help her move into a new apartment and offered to help her finish her high school diploma. I completely and utterly invested in this girl and I was 100% happy to do it. I contacted an attorney, social workers, I looked into daycares for the baby, and thought about purchasing a mini van to travel with all these children! My coworkers were throwing a baby shower for me. I was rearranging things in my house and mapping out where furniture would go. Everything was moving right along…all the while, this sweet, brave girl messaging me and planning her baby’s future with me. Miracles happen and dreams come true. Blah, blah, blah. And then…it was over. I got a text message. Birth mom had changed her mind. And that was that. No new baby. You didn’t actually think this would have a happy ending, did you?!! And so, I’m back to where I was four days ago. Happy and blessed with my beautiful, loving P, fostering baby C, and still hoping for P2 to finally make her way from our hearts to our home. To say I’m okay would be a lie. I’m a mess. I am angry. I am sad. I am shocked. I am disappointed. I am at a loss. It’s weird because I not only feel the loss of this baby, but for this young girl, who I bore my heart and soul to for four days. It’s better she made this decision before the baby was actually born and for that, I’m grateful. Parties and appointments can be cancelled, clothes and supplies can be returned. My calendar with the big DUE DATE written and circled on it can be whited out. I really, truly wish her all the best in the world. I don’t hold any resentment towards her and I whole heartedly understand and forgive her. There’s really nothing more to say. Except I’m really glad I didn’t buy a minivan. And the beat goes on... Mama Jess