#where’s an 1890s therapist when you need one

[therealvalkyrie]

choose an object in my depression room and i’ll tell you a little somethin’ about yourself (and maybe give a warning or two).

cactus in a teacup: you really like estate sales. like, it gave you a concerning amount of glee when your 92 year-old-neighbor finally kicked the bucket. you’d been eyeing her antique tea sets for years, and this is your chance. just don’t piss off her ghost.

different teacup holding a tea light: you always have a candle going, it makes you feel like you’re a mid-1890s author trying to make it big in NYC. in reality, you’re stuck in some podunk town writing freelance for some local papers, and the flickering light feels like a friend even when all of yours cancel fajita night for the third week in a row.

pill divider that only holds melatonin: you’re a tired bitch. me too, homegirl. also, you probably need to talk to your therapist soon. go schedule that appointment, even if the thought of talking to another living person makes your stomach roll.

teal crocs with assorted jibbitz: you have never let the bottom of your feet touch the tile of a public shower once in your life. most of us have, in an emergency, but you’d rather walk around covered in pond scum or chlorine for a whole day than risk foot fungus. also, you prefer soda to coffee or tea.

painted mirror from my best friend: your favorite flowers are daffodils, and the only time you truly feel at peace is when you see them blooming in the early spring in that one specific patch of dirt by the side of the road by your dentist’s office. you really enjoy theatre, but were bullied out of your high school drama troupe by bitchy sopranos.

dead wildflowers: it’s winter, why would the wildflowers be alive? you are persephone, all sunshine and green things and life in the spring and summer and entirely checked out in the fall and winter. take some vitamin d, my love.

empty ibuprofen bottle: you need to remember to put out your recycling. go do it.

orange clout goggles: get the fuck off my page. i only have these because my friend sent me a package with vegan double chocolate chip cookies, two beaded bracelets, and these cursed things. why do you identify with what willy wonka thought was high fashion??

used mango green tea bag: you drink tea instead of coffee because you’ve convinced yourself that means the caffeine doesn’t count. it does. you haven’t gone to bed before 1am for the past three weeks, and at this point it’s too much effort to adjust your sleep schedule back. 

shot glass i bought at a college MUN conference that says “motion for another” on it: you, like me, enjoy the facade of power that wearing a discount blazer and heels to MUN or mock trial gave you and you’re afraid you’ll never feel like that again. you’re not meant to go to law school sweetie, you’re meant to channel that energy for pedantic arguing into debates with your racist uncle over thanksgiving dinner for the rest of your life while you own and operate a rare books store.

old film camera, currently acting as a bookend: you grew up in a major metropolitan area, but are hellbent on living out the rest of your days on a ranch or farm somewhere in the country. you’ll get there, someday, and that same metaphorical film camera will be gathering dust on your bookshelf, ready for you to pick it up again and acknowledge that you actually find some solace in the rhythm of city living.

plushie horse named Neigh Neigh: you cry whenever you read The Velveteen Rabbit and then hold your own childhood stuffie or blanket a little closer that night. you cry easily at both happy and sad things and you probably had a phase where you collected scarves from thrift stores.

old time-y alarm clock, stuck at 11:35: as they say, a stuck clock is right twice a day. you have strokes of blind luck pretty much on the regular, but the rest of your life is just fifteen degrees from where you want it to be. you’ll get there, just check your clock. does it need to be cranked? maybe some wiring’s loose. what about the gears? you’ll get there, sweetheart.

my dead grandma’s glass beads: gamma? are you there? if you’re reading this, i saved your copy of The World of Pooh from the sale of the house, even though your Sue Grafton books stayed. i was never much one for murder mysteries, anyhow, and i know you’d want someone to enjoy them. sometimes, when mama’s gone to bed and the house is quiet i slip on your beads and diamond ring and look at the photo albums you kept from the lake and i imagine what you’d say about the state of the world and i wonder how i would’ve been different if i had met grandsir. i think we look alike, especially if i pin up my hair and smile with my eyes. i wish i had known you before your mind started to go.

[thisbibliomaniac]

Been a while since I’ve done this so all the asks please and thank

You’re lucky I love you 🙄 1: How tall or short do you wish you were? I’m perfectly average, and I’m good with that

2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not) A tiger 🐅

3: Do you have a favorite clothing style? Classic 50’s / 60’s

4: What was your favorite video game growing up? Mario kart

5: What three things/people do you think of most each day: My religion, my work, and whatever fiction (book, show, etc) I’m into at the time

6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say? WARNING: DON’T ASK ABOUT HER CATS

7: What is your opinion on [insert person/thing here]? Need a person/thing dude

8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic] Uhhhhhh idk it’s in my bio

9: Are you ticklish? No

10: Are you allergic to anything? Maybe??¿?

11: What’s your sexuality? Straight

12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa? TEA

13: Are you a cat or dog person? Cats

14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson? Elf

15: Do you have a favorite Youtuber? Crowder

16: How tall are you? 5'5"

17: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to? Anything, I hate my name. I’d ever prefer if it were the French spelling

18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] No idea tbh

19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits? In the biblical sense 😂

20: Do you like space or the ocean more? Space

21: Are you religious? Very much so

22: Pet peeves? Audible chewing / breathing / snoring

23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal [opposite of nocturnal]? Diurnal

24: Favorite constellation? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

25: Favorite star? How?

26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls? I guess

27: Any phobias or fears? Oh yes

28: Do you think global warming is real? Nope

29: Do you believe in reincarnation? No

30: Favorite movie? Sabrina 1995

31: Do you get scared easily? No

32: How many pets have you own in your lifetime? Family pets? Many. Mine own? Snuggles, and technically part of Stitch

33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.] 23/30

34: What is a color that calms you? Pink

35: Where would you like to travel and/or live? Paris

36: Where were you born? Ohio

37: What is your eye color? Brown

38: Introvert or extrovert? Introvert

39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs? No

40: Hugs or kisses? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now? You. Come visit me.

42: Who is someone you love deeply? Obi

43: Any piercings you want? I’d like my second ear piercings back :/

44: Do you like tattoos and piercings? Depends

45: Do you smoke or have you eiver done so? Noooooo

46: Talk about your crush, if you have one! Indians #22 😍

47: What is a sound you really hate? 21 pilots

48: A sound you really love? When Loki sits in the hall and yells

49: Can you do a backflip? Lol no

50: Can you do the splits? LOL no

51: Favorite actor and/or actress? Errol Flynn and Judy Garland

52: Favorite movie? Didn’t I just answer this?

53: How are you feeling right now? Good

54: What color would you like your hair to be right now? I like the color it is

55: When did you feel happiest? Reading

56: Something that calms you down? Crochet

57: Have any mental disorders? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] LOL probably

58: What does your URL mean? I like books

59: What three words describe you the most? Uh idk you tell me

60: Do you believe in evolution? Noooooooooooo

61: What makes you unfollow a blog? The sight of their url fills me with annoyance

62: What makes you follow a blog? A real person who posts like a real person

63: Favorite kind of person: Lots of people

64: Favorite animal(s): Cats

65: Name three of your favorite blogs. No, too many

66: Favorite emoticon: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

67: Favorite meme: Cow poetry

68: What is your MBTI personality type? Istj

69: What is your star sign? 🌟

70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog? No, it’s a constant source of amusement

71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most? None

72: Post a selfie or two? No

73: Do you have platform shoes? No

74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself? I need another MRI!

75: Can you do a front flip? No

76: Do you like birds? No

77: Do you like to swim? Yes

78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you? I used to like both!

79: Something you wish didn’t exist: Taxes. Insurance.

80: Some thing you wish did exist: More space

81: Piercings you have? Ears

82: Something you really enjoy doing: Crochet

83: Favorite person to talk to: Stell

84: What was your first impression of Tumblr? Funny

85: How many followers do you have? I’ve been hovering around 1200 for months

86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes? Idk probably not

87: Do your socks always match? Never

88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely? Uhhh idr? Maybe

89: What are your birthstones? I think Pearl?

90: If you were an animal, which one would you be? Cat

91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be? Plumeria

92: A store you hate? Menards and I’ve never even been there

93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day? None!!!!

94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds? For

95: Do you like to wear camo? No

96: Winter or summer? Winter

97: How long can you hold your breath for? No idea

98: Least favorite person? Rory

99: Someone you look up to: Elinor dashwood

100: A store you love? Earth fare

101: Favorite type of shoes D:

102: Where do you live? Ohio

103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why? Nope! 104: What is your favorite mineral or gem? Turquoise? 105: Do you drink milk? Sometimes. A2 low temp 106: Do you like bugs? NO 107: Do you like spiders? NOO 108: Something you get paranoid about? SPIDERS 109: Can you draw: No :( 110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked? “Can you draw?” Oh also, “Why no ring?” By a patient I did not like. 111: A question you hate being asked? “How do you feel?” Hate it a lot. 112: Ever been bitten by a spider? Yes :/ 113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach? Yes 114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days? Cloudy 115: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now: Obi, my puppy 116: Favorite cloud type: Uh. White? 117: What color do you wish the sky was? Pink 118: Do you have freckles? Some. Not as many as id like 119: Favorite thing about a person: Sense of humor 120: Fruits or vegetables? Both!!!! 121: Something you want to do right now: Get some work done, but SOMEONE needed every question answered 122: Is the ocean or sky prettier? Sky 123: Sweet or sour foods? Both 124: Bright or dim lights? Both 125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature? Dragons 126: Something you hate about Tumblr: The users 127: Something you love about Tumblr: The users 128: What do you think about the least? I think about most things a lot 129: What would you want written on your tombstone? That’s one to think about. Suggestions? 130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now? Me. No, whoever invented insurance. 131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself? Everything, but mostly hate 132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures? Yes, because as bad as that is, the alternative is unthinkable 133: Computer or TV? Computer 134: Do you like roller coasters? No 135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness? No 136: Are your ears lobed or attached? ?? 137: Do you believe in karma? No 138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are? -6 139: What nicknames do you have/have had? N/A 140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends? Yes 141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink? No 142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others? Good I hope 143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help? Giving 144: What makes you angry Politics, and people who insist on talking about them when you’re really not in the mood 145: How many languages do you speak fluently? None 146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries? What 😂😂😂😂 147: Are you androgynous? Hahahahhaahhaha 148: Favorite physical thing about yourself: None 149: Favorite thing about your personality: Definitely none 150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person. There’s so many questions here 151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose? 1890 152: Do you like BuzzFeed? No 153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have one.] I didn’t 154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons? No idea 155: Do you like to play with others’ hair? No 156: What embarrasses you? Second hand embarrassment 157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious: Being late 158: Biggest lie you have ever told: Idk 159: How many people are you following? A lot 160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)? Lots 161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)? So many 162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)? Uhhh 163: Last time you cried and why: No 164: Do you have long or short hair? In between 165: Longest your hair has ever been: Very long 166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religon? Depends on the religion 167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created? Extremely 168: Do you like to wear makeup? Yes 169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds? No 170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully? Yes Happy?

[callahan56rubin-blog]

Always Be More powerful In comparison to You Must Be actually.

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[zorz333]

Από 1 μέχρι 170

1: How tall or short do you wish you were? // 1.85

2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not) // A DRAGON DUH3: Do you have a favorite clothing style? // Οτιδήποτε είναι βολικό4: What was your favorite video game growing up? // Dark Souls. Ακόμα είναι.5: What three things/people do you think of most each day: // Θες τώρα μια λίστα με μέλη απο μπάντες or what?6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say? // Be real or fuck off7: What is your opinion on [insert person/thing here]? // Μανιτάρια. Abso-fucking-lutely horrible. Λάθος της φύσης. 8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic] // Δε ξέρω τον εαυτό μου για να απαντήσω εδώ μπρο9: Are you ticklish? // Ανάλογα10: Are you allergic to anything? // Καριολακια11: What’s your sexuality? // Straight 12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa? // Κ Α Φ Ε Σ13: Are you a cat or dog person? // why not both14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson? // I’d rather be a werewolf15: Do you have a favorite Youtuber? // Brickwallsgames16: How tall are you? // 1.7717: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to? // Idk18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] // 76 κιλα πλεον, εριξα 7 σε 4 μηνες19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits? // προφανώς20: Do you like space or the ocean more? // Space σαν ενδιαφέρον, ωκεανός για real life situations21: Are you religious? // nah22: Pet peeves? // what23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal [opposite of nocturnal]? // Im already nocturnal the fuck24: Favorite constellation? // dont have one25: Favorite star? // My mom26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls? // Dolls are creepy27: Any phobias or fears? // Μανιτάρια. Να μη μπορω να κουνηθώ. ΒΕΛΟΝΕΣ.28: Do you think global warming is real? // Ναι;29: Do you believe in reincarnation? // Προφανώς30: Favorite movie? // BvS31: Do you get scared easily? // Depends32: How many pets have you own in your lifetime? // 533: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.] // Δε μπορω να ειμαι αντικειμενικος εδω34: What is a color that calms you? // Ανοιχτο πρασινο, της θαλασσας επισης35: Where would you like to travel and/or live? // Παντού36: Where were you born? // Αθηνούλα λελ37: What is your eye color? // Τι ειναι το πιο νορμαλ;38: Introvert or extrovert? // both39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs? // meh40: Hugs or kisses? // kisses 41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now? // CANT TELL YOU42: Who is someone you love deeply? // Τον αδερφο μου43: Any piercings you want? // Μακρυά44: Do you like tattoos and piercings? // Παρα πολύ45: Do you smoke or have you eiver done so? // Νο46: Talk about your crush, if you have one! // Πήγαινε άκου το “I’m low on gas and you need a jacket”  των Pierce the Veil, και βγαλε συμπερασματα47: What is a sound you really hate? // Σκουπας48: A sound you really love? // Γελια49: Can you do a backflip? // ΧΑΑΧΑΧΑΧΑΧΑ50: Can you do the splits? //ΧΑΧΑΧΑΧΑΑΧΧΑΧΑΑΧΑΧΑΧΑΧ51: Favorite actor and/or actress? // Stephen Amell52: Favorite movie? // ηδη το ρωτησε αυτο53: How are you feeling right now? // Θέλω παραλία 54: What color would you like your hair to be right now? // Ενα τσακ πιο ξανθά55: When did you feel happiest? // Το καλοκαίρι φέτος56: Something that calms you down? // Να βλέπω την αγαπημένη μου σειρά 57: Have any mental disorders? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] // not that i know of58: What does your URL mean? // Guess59: What three words describe you the most? // Πεισματάρης, Αντιθετος, Restless60: Do you believe in evolution? // Duh61: What makes you unfollow a blog? // Οτιδηποτε αφορα μισογυνισμο, ρατσισμο και γενικα τετοια θεματα62: What makes you follow a blog? // Περιέργεια 63: Favorite kind of person: // Που θα μου δωθεί όσο εγώ σε εκείνο64: Favorite animal(s): // Γάτες και λυκοι65: Name three of your favorite blogs. // Ειναι πολλα περισσότερα από αυτά66: Favorite emoticon: “ :’( “, και το χρησιμοποιω ειρωνικα67: Favorite meme: “Roadwork ahead? Yeah i sure hope it does”68: What is your MBTI personality type? // my what now69: What is your star sign? // Ταυράκι70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog? //  δεν εχω71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most? // Band merch72: Post a selfie or two? // no73: Do you have platform shoes? // lel74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself? // Παντα βρισκω κατι να σε ξαφνιασω75: Can you do a front flip? // Τι θεματα εχεις με τα ακροβατικα76: Do you like birds? // Πολυ77: Do you like to swim? // Αγαπω78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you? // Κολυμβηση79: Something you wish didn’t exist: // Καπιταλισμος80: Some thing you wish did exist: // Ισοτητα81: Piercings you have? // Επαναλαμβανεσαι82: Something you really enjoy doing: // γυμναστική, διαβασμα83: Favorite person to talk to: // Η κολλητη μου84: What was your first impression of Tumblr? // MEMES85: How many followers do you have? // Κοντα 500; ιδκ86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes? // σε 5 μπορω87: Do your socks always match? // Ναι;88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely? // Νοπε89: What are your birthstones? // my what now again90: If you were an animal, which one would you be? //  A male lion91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be? // Τα νυχτολουλουδα92: A store you hate? // Δεν εχω93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day? // 11 94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds? // Read minds95: Do you like to wear camo? // lol no96: Winter or summer? // καλοκαιρι ρε μαλακες97: How long can you hold your breath for? // 2.5 λεπτα98: Least favorite person? // Τυχαια, αλλα πολλα99: Someone you look up to: // Τον πατερα μου100: A store you love? // Το Orange τη καφετερια διπλα στο σπιτι μου101: Favorite type of shoes // δεν 102: Where do you live? // Αθηνα δυστυχως103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why? // Δεν ειμαι δε θα γινω104: What is your favorite mineral or gem? // Τα ζαφείρια, λόγω του Εραγκον λελ105: Do you drink milk? // Πολύ106: Do you like bugs? // μεχ107: Do you like spiders? // ΓΙΑΣ108: Something you get paranoid about? // Cheating :) 109: Can you draw: // No110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked? // Πολλες111: A question you hate being asked? // Ιδκ112: Ever been bitten by a spider? // Νο113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach? // Αγαπω114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days? // Sunny, the fuck115: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now: // Kiss116: Favorite cloud type: // I like clouds when they are gone117: What color do you wish the sky was? // Σαν αυγη ολη μερα118: Do you have freckles? // νο119: Favorite thing about a person: // Οι σκεψεις του120: Fruits or vegetables? // Φρουτακια121: Something you want to do right now: // Να παω καπου μακρυα 122: Is the ocean or sky prettier? // Ocean 123: Sweet or sour foods? // Sweet 124: Bright or dim lights? // Dim of course 125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature? // Nah126: Something you hate about Tumblr: // The controversies 127: Something you love about Tumblr: // Some users128: What do you think about the least? // Δε θυμαμαι129: What would you want written on your tombstone? // Θελω να γινω σταχτη να με πεταξουν στη θαλασσα αρα οχι ταφος130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now? // ΠΟΛΛΑ ΑΤΟΜΑ131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself? // Το πεισμα μου132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures? // Αναλογα                133: Computer or TV? // COMPUTER DUH134: Do you like roller coasters? // no135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness? // yup136: Are your ears lobed or attached? // lobed137: Do you believe in karma? // Sadly138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are? // Im a solid 8 some days139: What nicknames do you have/have had? // bad ones140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends? // no141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink? // no 142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others? // both143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help? // giving144: What makes you angry //  Πολλα, κυριως εγω 145: How many languages do you speak fluently? // 2146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries? // Κοριτσια 147: Are you androgynous? // Αι γκιες148: Favorite physical thing about yourself: // Μαλλια149: Favorite thing about your personality: // Αναλαφροτητα 150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person. // they are all dead so wheres the point151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose? // Paris 1890s152: Do you like BuzzFeed? // nah153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have one.] // δεν154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons? //  Προφανως155: Do you like to play with others’ hair? // Πολυ156: What embarrasses you? // Να μου λενε για κατι στο οποιο ειμαι ανασφαλης 157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious: // Να μου αλλαζουν τα πλανα μου τελευταια στιγμη 158: Biggest lie you have ever told: // “Συγνωμη” 159: How many people are you following? // 900 κατι160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)? // 10000 κατι161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)? // κανενα162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)? // 35000 κατι163: Last time you cried and why: // πολυ παλια και δε θυμαμαι164: Do you have long or short hair? // ενδιαμεσο 165: Longest your hair has ever been: // μεχρι τον ωμο166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religon? //Εχουν πεθανει κατι εκατομμυρια στο ονομα καθε θρησκειας σο167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created? // Πολυ168: Do you like to wear makeup? // νο169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds? // Ναι αλλα μονο χερια170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully? // Ναι

Μαλακα ανων να δω ποτε θα στειλεις τοσο καλα που με ξερεις πλεον, cheers 💗

[skepticaloccultist]

The Bookshop as a Meeting Place

Treadwell's Books has been a part of London occult life for more than a decade. A center for London's disparate and motley occultists, witches, and magicians of every ilk and path to celebrate and meet.

Between weekly events, book launches and tarot readings Treadwell's is a home away from home for occultists the world over. From regular lectures and presentations by Phil Hine, Michael Staley, Hannah Sanders, Chris Josiffe, Robert Wallis, Owen Davies and dozens more to walking tours of the British Museum and Bloomsbury's occult history it's a place to linger, searching for that rare bit of booklore, meeting others on their own path. Some incredible people have found their way through Treadwell's door, a couple of friend's even found each other and eventually married because of Treadwell's. Its a magical place in many ways.

Having moved seven years ago from its first location in Covent Garden it is now tucked away down Store Street in Bloomsbury. A bigger space upstairs and downstairs lends itself to more events, with a comfortable downstairs that is even available for lettings for various group functions, public and private.

Behind Treadwell's is proprietor and "presiding spirit" Christina Oakley Harrington. In between her sold out Magical Bloomsbury Walking Tour and otherwise busy schedule I managed to chat with her about London occulture, her passion for books and running a bookshop in 21st century London.

  +++

Christina Oakley Harrington of Treadwell's

While Treadwell's has only been in London since 2003 it seems to be a fixture that is much more firmly rooted in the occulture of London than its teenaged years belie. How have you come to be so central to the occult community of London?

Gosh, are we really? I have to give the credit to the wonderful people who've come through the doors of Treadwells for that. I've been hugely inspired by London's history of occult communities and in particular, the exciting occult renaissance of the 1880s and 1890s, when the Order of the Golden Dawn and the Theosophical Society had hundreds of members and there were gatherings, rituals and conversations happening every night of the week. I saw that such a renaissance might be possible in our own day if there was a bookshop which was actually a meeting place -- and I saw from history that such a place needed to offer a combination of hospitality, friendship-building and events space.

We hosted our first event within a few months of opening our doors. Since then, it's never been fewer than three nights a week that we're here. That's why we can't open any earlier than 11 am during the week and at weekends we certainly couldn't start any earlier than noon. All our late nights here!

What misbegotten adventure led you to opening an occult bookshop?

I got involved in paganism and the esoteric community in 1987 in the US, where I lived for eleven years. In 1989 I moved to London. It was the Atlantis Bookshop under the ownership of Caroline Wise which was the hub of activity and occult community creativity -- she was a force of nature, hosting conferences, promoting groups, advertising pub moots, and generally making me (and other young people) welcome and feel so inspired. Through her we got to meet magical orders, attend rituals, learn about magic from practitioners. She kept the channels flowing. If you went into her shop, she'd bombard you with recommendations, hand-made fliers, posters and postcards. So I opened Treadwells just as she was retiring from owning Atlantis, and felt that in that regard, she passed on the baton to us. Caroline's been a huge supporter of Treadwells and she's my personal inspiration of what an occult bookshop owner should be.

Do you collect books yourself?

I do! My collection is pretty eclectic. I don't have the completist gene, so I don't need to own full sets of things, mercifully. Then I get bored. I collected all of Dion Fortune's first editions, then once I had the full set, I didn't care anymore, so I sold them. I now have her work in paperback, which I've marked up with my marginal notes and personal opinions in the front and rear covers. So I work most of my books pretty hard. It's from my days as an historian, that I have opinions on what I'm reading and want to debate with the authors, or agree with them. So the margins of my books show that.

In the corner of my study is a shelf of books mentioning Treadwells, signed by their authors. Authors sometimes mention the shop in their novels, or in their guidebooks. Occasionally students and scholars mention Treadwells in the acknowledgments if we've helped them with their research - and that's so lovely. We have a commitment to assisting scholarly research where we can.

My collection is a working library of books containing ideas I love, historical research that inspires me, and lots of poetry -- which I use in contemplative reading and adopt into rituals I write. Big subjects I read are witchcraft, sapphic writers from Sappho through the 1920s, Renaissance planetary magic, and biographies of magicians of previous centuries. I've got an entire room for my books at home, and most often there are lots of them piled up on the desk with bookmarks stuck in, and intermingled are my various notebooks with quotes scrawled from the books I'm reading.

You mentioned a background as a historian, were you an academic before becoming a bookseller?

I was! I was a medieval historian. I taught for eleven years at a college of the University of Surrey. My PhD was at University College London with supplementary study at Jesus College, Oxford. The links between the world of scholarship and magical practice have grown wonderfully over the past fifteen years, so I relish reading the recent academic articles and studies of medieval magical texts and practice.

Do you recall the first book of, or on, magic you remember owning? Not a library book, but something that was your own?

I am sure I had children's books with witches as a very young child, as I was crazy about witches, and always wanted to try to do spells, and I even pretended to be able to fly (I had a children's storybook called No Flying in the House). However, I was very taken with a book whose name I can't recall, which I took from my parents' bookshelves, on superstitions and charms. I would copy the best charms -- in my opinion -- into a notebook, which I called my spellbook. I must have been about six, seven years old....

What rare items have come through Treadwells shelves over the years?

I'm so fortunate to see treasures coming through here. We have had a good smattering of Aleister Crowley first editions, Gerald Gardner first editions and books signed by Kenneth Grant. These are the staples of occult rare bookselling. But I love the offbeat stuff - we've got awesome zines. Zines are overlooked but are truly collectible as they're snapshots of the occult community at a particular moment, at the working coal-face, as it were. A faintingly exciting moment was when we got a very early Rider-Waite tarot deck, from a lady who had it in her attic, and had inherited it from her grandmother. We had people coming in just to look at it before we sold it to its current owner - during those two weeks we were honoured to be able to let tarot-lovers view it and appreciate it.

Some rare items are new - we've launched very limited edition items here -- nocturnal parties for books which are individually consecrated and inscribed and of which only one or two hundred copies are made. Those events are very magical, as it's just a small group of guests, lots of incense billowing, and good red wine flowing.

How has occult bookselling and publishing changed from your perspective over the last 14 years?

Bookselling now is a harder living than even twenty years ago, with London rents being high and with people having the option of purchasing on Amazon. But it's still vibrant, and getting even moreso. Reading occult literature inspires people to want to practice and meet others -- that's where the bookshop is crucial, and always will be. A bookseller is a curator, an advisor, and a bit of a therapist even, at times. I love that it's a continuity, a continuity of over 200 years.

Has the environment changed since the store moved to its current location several years back? Do you feel the community has grown?

We've been here at Store Street for seven years, having moved here after seven years in Covent Garden. I find it hard to believe we've been in Store Street just as long as we were in the old address. So uncanny! The community is different here than there -- and well, times change. In 2003 there was a tight connected community of people, and newcomers entered that network of people, socially. Now, it's much more open, less a community than a wider base of many many individuals who have overlapping interests. They will meet likeminded people at more niche events. I think it's because the era of subcultures is largely over, or so it seems to me. But Treadwells itself is a kind of community of regulars -- we get to know people whose vibe is in tune with ours and they keep coming back so next thing you know, we know all their kids' names and are invited to their art openings. But we are keen not to behave like a clique. So many occult-oriented people were outsiders at school that honestly, we don't need to replicate that in adulthood. A friendly gesture and a welcoming hello for our customers and new acquaintances: that's essential.

So many occultists I know scattered around the world have stories to tell about Treadwell's, visits on trips, meeting future spouses there, finding some bit of rarity they had long sought. Any insights into the future of occult bookselling in London and in general? Where does the plot take us from here?

I'm very excited about a new bookshop/occult event space in Seattle, Mortlake & Co, run by a wonderful chap named William Kiesel (of Ouroboros Press fame). It's got not only a range of rare books, but it also hosts intimate, intellectually-engaged soirees. I think occult bookselling is at its most exciting when it overlaps, not with the New Age, but with history and anthropology. By which I mean to say, when we widen our interest from the practice itself to include the people and the cultures that produced it. As an example, if you you love Enochian magic, check out Elizabethan court life. If you are drawn to hoodoo, learn about how African Americans lived in the era of slavery. If you practice traditional witchcraft, read a book on old cunningmen.

Any upcoming events or releases you would like to mention?

I'm particularly proud of our commitment to traditional, classic tarot reading. The art of reading the cards takes over a decade to master, but one can learn enough to have a meaningful experience in a single day. We offer one-day workshops, eight-week courses and even intermediate brush-up days. Tarot cards came out of the Italian Renaissance, so the symbolism is rich and deep, and it's the same symbol code you find embedded in Renaissance art. If you study the tarot cards, your trips to art museums suddenly become much more exciting.

+++

Discover Treadwell's Bookshop for yourself:

Treadwell's Books 33 Store Street, Bloomsbury, London www.treadwells-london.com/

[andotherstoriespublishing]

Spotlight on LGBT+ writers and writing

Following on from our guest post from Claire Browne of Serpent’s Tail on being LGBT+ in publishing, we’re highlighting a few of our favourite recent and forthcoming books written by LGBT+ writers or about LGBT+ themes - some published by us, some from other indie publishers, all necessary. 

Sworn Virgin by Elvira Dones, tr. Clarissa Botsford (And Other Stories)

When Hana’s dying uncle calls her back from the city to the family home in the Albanian mountains, he tries to marry her to a local man who could run the household. Unable to accept the arranged marriage and determined to remain independent, Hana’s only option is to follow tradition and vow to live the rest of her life in chastity as a man – and so Hana becomes Mark. For a sworn virgin, there is no way back.

Years later, Mark – now a raki-drinking, chain-smoking shepherd – receives an invitation to join a cousin in the US. This may be Mark’s only chance to escape his vow. But what does he know about being an American woman?

Your Silence Will Not Protect You by Audre Lorde (Silver Press - out Oct 2017)

An intense and furious collection of essays and poems by this brilliantly articulate 20th century feminist writer and activist, who used her words and her actions to make visible a black, lesbian feminist identity. As well as the activism, there’s real beauty and clarity here, for instance in the essay ‘Uses of the Erotic’, where she talks about the power of bringing the erotic into everything we do:

‘In touch with the erotic, I become less willing to accept powerlessness, or those other supplied states of being which are not native to me, such as resignation, despair, self-effacement, depression, self-denial.’

This are true, angry and, most of all, inspiring words we can all take something from in troubling times.

Black Wave by Michelle Tea (And Other Stories)

Grungy and queer, Michelle is a grrrl hung up on a city in riot. It’s San Francisco and it’s 1999. Determined to quell her addictions to heroin, catastrophic romance, and the city itself, she heads south for LA, just as the news hits: in one year the world is Officially Over. The suicides have begun. And it’s here that Black Wave breaks itself open, splitting into every possible story, questioning who has the right to write about whom. People begin to dream the lovers they will never have, while Michelle takes haven in a bookshop, where she contemplates writing about her past (sort of), dating Matt Dillon (kind of), and riding out the end of the world (maybe).

New from Michelle Tea, novelist, essayist, and queer counter-culture icon, Black Wave is a punk feminist masterpiece and a raucously funny read for everyone … except, perhaps, for Scientologists.

Chelsea Girls - Eileen Myles (Serpent’s Tail)

In this breathtakingly inventive autobiographical novel, Eileen Myles transforms her life into a work of art. Suffused with alcohol, drugs, and sex; evocative in its depictions of the hardscrabble realities of a young queer artist's life; with raw, flickering stories of awkward love, laughter, and discovery, Chelsea Girls is a funny, cool, and intimate account of how one young female writer managed to shrug off the imposition of a rigid cultural identity.Told in her audacious and singular voice made vivid and immediate in her lyrical language, Chelsea Girls weaves together memories of Myles's 1960s Catholic upbringing with an alcoholic father, her volatile adolescence, her unabashed "lesbianity," and her riotous pursuit of survival as a poet in 1970s and 80s New York.

The Proof - César Aira tr. Nick Caistor (And Other Stories)

Marcia is sixteen, overweight and unhappy. One day, as she’s walking down a Buenos Aires street, she hears a shout: ‘Wannafuck?’ Startled, she turns around and is confronted by two punk girls Lenin and Mao. She’s soon beguiled by them and the possibilities they open up. But the two have little time for a philosophical discussion of love: they need proof of it, and with their own savage logic the duo, calling themselves the Love Commando, hold up a supermarket as the novel climaxes in an unforgettable splatter-fest finale.

Sergio Y. by Alexandre Vidal Porto tr. Alex Ladd (Europa Editions)

Armando is one of the most renowned therapists in São Paulo. One of his patients, a 17-year-old boy by the name of Sergio, abruptly interrupts his course of therapy after a trip to New York. Sergio’s cursory explanation to Armando is that he has finally found his own path to happiness and must pursue it.

For years, without any further news of Sergio, Armando wonders what happened to his patient. He subsequently learns that Sergio is living a happy life in New York and that he is now a woman, Sandra. Not long after this startling discovery, however, Armando is shocked to read about Sandra’s unexpected death. In an attempt to discover the truth about Sergio and Sandra’s life, Armando starts investigating on his own.

Sergio Y. is a unique and moving story about gender, identity, and the search for happiness.

Open Door by Iosi Havilio tr. Beth Fowler (And Other Stories)

When her partner disappears, a young veterinary assistant drifts from the city towards Open Door, a small town in the Pampas named after its psychiatric hospital. Embarking on a new life in the country, she finds herself living with an ageing ranch-hand and courted by an official investigating her partner’s disappearance. She might settle down, although a local girl is also irresistible . . .

This evocative, atmospheric book makes a quiet case for the possibility of finding contentment in unexpected places – and tells it in unexpected ways.

The Argonauts by Maggie Nelson (Melville House)

A timely and genre-bending memoir that offers fresh and fierce reflections on motherhood, desire, identity and feminism.

At the centre of The Argonauts is the love story between Maggie Nelson and the artist Harry Dodge, who is fluidly gendered. As Nelson undergoes the transformations of pregnancy, she explores the challenges and complexities of mothering and queer family making.

Writing in the tradition of public intellectuals like Susan Sontag, Nelson uses arresting prose even as she questions the limits of language. The Argonauts is an intrepid voyage out to the frontiers of love, language, and family.

The Alphabet of Birds by SJ Naudé tr. by the author (And Other Stories)

If death comes to a loved one, can we grieve alone? When all around is in ruins, can we confine our lives to one beautiful room constructed out of art, or love, or family ties? And when the words we know prove inadequate, can we turn to the language of birds?

In an arty mansion in Milan’s industrial zone, two men are shown one of the last remaining Futurist noise machines – an Intonarumore – and a painful old truth surfaces. A musician travels to three continents to see her siblings before returning to Johannesburg; her home is plundered every night around her as she composes a requiem. A man follows his male lover from London to Berlin’s clubbing scene and on to a ruined castle in which the lover’s family lives. He is looking for an antidote.

The protagonists in SJ Naudé’s collection are listening out for answers that cannot be expressed. Offering fresh perspectives on gay, expat and artistic subcultures and tackling the pain of loss head on, Naudé’s stories go fearlessly and tenderly to the heart of our experiences of desire, love and death.

London Triptych by Jonathan Kemp (Myriad Editions)

Jack Rose begins his apprenticeship as a rent boy with Alfred Taylor in the 1890s, and finds a life of pleasure and excess leads him to new friendships — most notably with the soon-to-be infamous Oscar Wilde. A century later, David tells his own tale of unashamed decadence while waiting to be released from prison, addressing his story to the lover who betrayed him. Where their paths cross, in the politically sensitive 1950s, the artist Colin Read tentatively explores his sexuality as he draws in preparation for his most ambitious painting yet — ‘London Triptych’.

Rent boys, aristocrats, artists and felons populate this bold debut as Jonathan Kemp skilfully interweaves the lives and loves of three very different men across the decades.

[sorayahigashikata]

Chapter 61: "I said 'therapist,' not 'the rapist'!"

[ablefarmscbdpils-blog]

Able Farms CBD  - Ultimate Pain Relief For Healthy Body

Able Farms CBD When a fever makes you, or a loved one, uncomfortable, Tylenol and Advil will help to reduce the fever to a lower temperature. Tylenol is the only fever-reducing medication my husband will use. The Tylenol works better for him than the Advil does. For the other five members of my family, Advil is much more effective. At reducing the fever for several hours than Tylenol seems to be. The temperature comes down with the Tylenol, but in a couple of hours, it is time to take another dose. The Advil lasts up to six hours. Especially for kids who aren't fond of medicine, a longer period of time between doses is very valuable. This is particularly the case at night. Advil beats the Tylenol for overnight relief. When you don't feel well, a good night's sleep can make all of the difference.

Able Farms CBD Jesse: Just this past year. And it's called lifeline plus and again it's a combination of herbs and enzymes that worked naturally to reduce inflammation and pain. And on the what, were on the subject of inflammation one of the real big dangers that's so common among people who have back pain. Is that they are taking prescriptions and fakes Non steroid or anti inflammatory.Jesse: Yeah we have a lot of surveys of our customers and our non-customers. We just have over 400,000 people that are currently on our email list. And round around 40,000 customers. And both of those people we have done lot and lots of research. Lots of surveys and resolve. And also done some of the informal studies. I would say the biggest one or most surprising was one that I mentioned earlier about nutrition and the impact it has on people and their pain.

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[mrjohntsnyder]

10 Amazing Moments in OT History

In 1917, a small group in Clifton Springs, New York established The National Society for the Promotion of Occupational Therapy. In the United States, we celebrate this as the official start of our profession.

In 2017, we are now celebrating the centennial of occupational therapy. This gives us good reason to look back over the past century and celebrate some of the best moments from OT History.

1.) The founders included three men and three women, an equal gender division.  

In 1917, three men and three women voted into existence a national OT association. This was three years before women were allowed to vote in federal elections!

Our profession still has much work to do in ensuring that our workforce reflects the clientele that we serve, but I am thankful for this inspiration from our origin.

Founders included: Eleanor Clarke Slagle, George Edward Barton, Dr. William Rush Dunton, Jr., Susan Cox Johnson, Thomas Bessell Kidner, and Isabel G. Newton.

2.)  The name “occupational therapy” is chosen.

I’ve come to believe that occupational therapy’s name is pure genius.

When the name was settled on, it held together several different movements. The inclusion of “occupation” in our name encompassed the following:

rejection of rest-cure for tuberculosis,

a rejection of having patients passively languish in institutions,

and an affirmation that the goal of care should be for patients to re-enter into society.

The value placed on occupations also aligned the new profession with the Arts and Crafts movement, which prized the value of traditional craftsmanship as factory production was on the rise.

The inclusion of “therapy” situates our work squarely in the medical field. This was done as the work of women in healthcare was moving out of the realm of private acts of charity to becoming professional work.

To me, our name is a source of inspiration as our profession continues to navigate the many forces that influence our care.

3.)  The phoenix is envisioned as the symbol of our profession.

The phoenix is a mythical bird that is reborn from its own ashes (think: Harry Potter). George Edward Barton foresaw this as the symbol of our work and made it the symbol of Consolation House, where he practiced occupational therapy.  Under the image of the bird was the tagline “Beauty from Ashes.”

Today the phoenix can be seen on the emblem of OT organizations around the world, the United Kingdom, Hong Kong, and Australia.

4.)  OT's unique role in pediatrics is established early.

Pediatric OT has its own unique history, that seems to be have been underexplored and under-celebrated. I hope to learn more about this history, but for now, I want to give the spotlight to the Curative Workshop that was established in 1919 and is one of the earliest examples of occupational therapy methods being used to serve children with disabilities.  

5.)  Occupational therapy responds to needs during WWI.

The young profession was quickly drawn into assisting with the war effort. The army began its first use of OT in 1918 at Walter Reed hospital. Bedridden patients knitted and patients who were ambulatory participated in chair caning, woodworking, printing, and rug making. (Ron Swanson would have been proud.)

Both world wars helped establish occupational therapy’s role in orthopedic care.

6.)  Eleanor Roosevelt speaks at Eleanor Clarke Slagle’s retirement reception.

Eleanor Clarke Slagle is considered the “mother of occupational therapy.”  She served in elected offices of the Society for the Promotion of Occupational Therapy from 1917-1937.

Slagle was among a new generation of professional women. For me, nothing situates her place in history better than picturing Eleanor Roosevelt speaking at her retirement celebration in 1937.

I do not know the content of Roosevelt’s remarks other than what was summarized in an AOTF newsletter.

“During her remarks, Mrs. Roosevelt lauded the untiring work of Eleanor Clarke Slagle, but could not resist the temptation to speak on the professional activities of women and the importance of advancing the cause of women in society.”

(If anyone has access to her full remarks, please let me know!)

7.)  A killer graduation speech is composed.   

I love reading the soaring rhetoric from the founders of occupational therapy. Their passion for establishing our profession is so evident in their writing. This expert from a graduation speech delivered in 1929 by Thomas Kidner is my favorite example.

In your chosen field, a part of the noblest work of man—the care and relief of weak and suffering humanity—may you realize in increasing measure the value of certain spiritual things which are the making of life, but which we call by many common names. Kindness, humanity, decency, honor, good faith—to give these up under any circumstances would be a greater loss than any defeat or even death itself.

8.)  The World Federations of Occupational Therapists (WFOT) is established.  

WFOT was established in 1952 by OT associations from 10 countries.

Today, WFOT has 92 Member Organizations and represents approximately 480,000 occupational therapists around the world.

9.)  Sigourney Weaver plays an OT!  

Okay. This might just be a personal favorite since I love Sigourney. 

Unfortunately, Sigourney's character in the 1988 movie “Gorillas In The Mist” isn't actively working as an OT, but the historical figure was trained as an occupational therapist so I'm going to count it. 

Ms. Weaver plays Dian Fossey, who trained and worked as an occupational therapist before moving to Rwanda to study mountain gorillas. Be warned: this is not the feel good movie I was expecting when I checked it out at my local video store a decade ago. There is scandal involved as well as a tragic murder mystery.

10.) The OT services YOU are providing! 

While it may not have made the history books yet, the care that you provide individual clients is truly what makes our profession great.  May we continue to learn from our past and look ahead with our focus on one thing: providing the best care possible.

Looking to share information about occupational therapy with colleagues and clients? Check out the OT Month Toolkit in the Therapy Trading Store. 

Additional OT History Resources

Friedland J. Restoring the spirit: the beginnings of occupational therapy in Canada, 1890-1930. Montréal: McGill-Queen's University Press; 2011.

Peloquin SM. Occupational Therapy Service: Individual and Collective Understandings of the Founders, Part 1. American Journal of Occupational Therapy. 1991;45(4):352-360. doi:10.5014/ajot.45.4.352.

Peloquin SM. Occupational Therapy Service: Individual and Collective Understandings of the Founders, Part 2. American Journal of Occupational Therapy. 1991;45(8):733-744. doi:10.5014/ajot.45.8.733.

Quiroga VAM. Occupational Therapy: the first 30 years: 1900 to 1930. Bethesda, MD: The American Occupational Therapy Association; 1995.

These moments and resources only scratch the history of our profession. If you are interested in reading more, I strongly recommend othistory.com with posts written by Chris Alterio.

from OT Blog - Potential • An Occupational Therapy Blog and Resource Site http://ift.tt/2mjAF6Z

[carmeninguanzo]

Two weekends ago I attended Vanessa Martir’s Writing Our Lives Workshop, and one of the questions we pondered on was, “WHY WE WRITE”.  I’ve been giving thought to that question and have realized that there are many reasons why I write and why I’ve always written, but if I can pinpoint when I started to write, I was six-years-old.  Writing was the only voice I had.  The only voice that mattered.  I clearly remember the first time I asked my mom for a diary.  We were at the Hello Kitty store, my favorite store in the world as a child, and I wanted the Hello Kitty diary with the key-lock on it.  She had no clue what a diary was used for, she simply thought it was a notebook for school.  This diary became my best friend, my confidant.  The only thing I could pour my heart and soul into without any judgment, and without having to worry about anything ever getting back to my mom.  Especially, when writing about the crazy and outrageous dysfunction my brothers and I were subjected to.  I guarded that diary with my life, it was my only friend.  

My four brothers and I grew up in a home where our voices didn’t matter. Literally.  We had no say in what we wore, what we felt, what we believed, the fact that we didn’t want to still be bathed, as teenagers, or that I did not want my mom to comb my hair in 20 moñitos while in seventh grade!  (Which by the way, I would undo all of them as I walked down the stairs on my way to school. Many times being caught by her as she peeped through the window, shouting, “mira Carmen Rosa, sube para arriba ahora mismo antes de que yo baje y te caiga a correaso!”  Of course, I’d get my ass back upstairs.  I would get a whoop ass, she’d redo all the buns with ribbons that would match my outfit, and then send me off to school.  This time I’d walk down the block completely humiliated before I yanked them all off.  I would rather deal with another whoop ass when I got home from school, then to show up at school looking that crazy, and that was a fact!)  And the list can go on.  We simply were not entitled to speak our minds nor have an opinion.  And I won’t even go into what would happen when we did because that’s not what this essay is about.  In having my voice silenced growing up, I needed a place where I could release everything I was holding inside.  Everything I was forced to suppress because without it, I would have suffocated.  And this, is when the page became my escape.  This, is what kept me from insanity...

Though I had this outlet, it didn’t prevent me from growing up with depression. And even though I poured my blood onto the pages, my heart was full.  Full of anger, full of resentment, full of secrets, full of lies, full of hurt, full of denial.  I spent most of my life navigating the world with pain and confusion; a walking zombie having become numb, not knowing how to express myself verbally, and looking for love in all the wrong places, looking for acceptance, looking for guidance.  I needed an outlet.  I was choking.  After my first attempt of several months of therapy, I left the clinic one day and never went back.  Never returning their phone calls, emails or correspondences, never giving them an explanation.  My therapist would repeatedly ask me questions about my childhood, shit I did not want to talk about.  Why the fuck does this woman want me to talk about my childhood when I’m here to be taught how to cope with my son’s autism diagnosis!  I ran out of there one afternoon and never looked back.   

It was April 1, 2011, when I received an email from my good friend Pooja about a free one-day writing class being offered at Gotham Writers.  She knew how much I loved journaling and how badly I needed an escape.  I quickly enrolled, and immediately decided to commit to a 10-week memoir writing workshop.  I completed level one, and then enrolled in another 10-week workshop for level two.  I was excited to be learning about the writing craft, but as the only Latina there, I found no connection or comfort with the people I shared these workshops with, making it difficult to share my stories.  It was also really awkward showing up to a MEMOIR class where we knew nothing about the facilitators life.  Towards the end of the workshop was when I found out he had written a memoir about his experience as a college student, who served a 3 1/2 year sentence in a South Korean jail for smuggling hashish.  It wasn’t until September 23, 2011 that I attended my first Writing Our Lives Workshop with Vanessa Martir.  She was someone I had known for years and was not only pursuing her writing career, but was now also pursuing her teaching career.  I had read her first novel and was enamored by her ability to write shit people wouldn’t normally write about.  Though her first book was a novel, I knew her enough to know she was the protagonist in her book.  Growing up in the same neighborhood and having experienced similar things, she inspired me deeply.  It was in Vanessa’s class where I learned to express myself as a Latina woman on the page.  It was here where I learned about voice.  “Carmen, you don’t need to sound all smart and shit to write your stories.  Write them with your voice.  I know you, this is not how you speak”.  Though for a long time I was confused, and didn’t know how to change my mindset, she was right.  During this time, I was writing about my son’s autism diagnosis and the immense pain my family and I were experiencing.  The tons of doctors appointments, the never-ending therapies, the disappointment and shock, the confusion, the loneliness, the abandonment we felt by everyone, and how we had no idea how to cope with such a life altering situation.  I attended about 6 or 7 more of Vanessa’s workshop, finally finding the courage to apply to VONA (Voices of Our Nations Art Foundation) in March of 2013.  She’d always speak about VONA and how it changed her life, and I made it a goal of mine to one day apply.  Applying to VONA was nerve wrecking, and I didn’t believe I could be accepted into such a competitive workshop, but I did it anyways.  In May 4, 2013, was the first time I was accepted as a participant to VONA, (which by the way, are writing workshops for writers of color), in the Political Content in Memoir, Story and Poetry Workshop with the one and only, Elmaz Abinader.  I was overjoyed and accepted their invitation.  It was here where my life transformed as a writer.  It was here where I had my awakening, and since, my life has never been the same.  It was here where I started to share the deepest and darkest parts of my soul.  It was the first time I shared my childhood traumas with complete strangers, never imagining that once I opened myself up, I would never be able to shove those memories back down again.  It was like opening up a pandora’s box, and this was when my real battle began.  This is when I finally understood what Vanessa meant, “the more you write, the more you remember.”  I was remembering things I did not want to remember, and upon returning from my weeklong VONA workshop at the University of Berkeley, I began secluding myself.  These memories, causing me to go into a deeper depression; one that I was not ready for, one that I was no longer able to run from.  It was at VONA when I first realized I was walking this world as a zombie; when I first realized why I had spent all of my twenties numbing myself from the pain I was feeling internally.  It was the awakening I needed...  And this was when my transformational journey began.

While in complete isolation, I began to privately write about my depression.  It was completely consuming me and I desperately needed an outlet.  This writing life had found me and I couldn’t hide from it no matter how hard I tried.   “Carmen, the only way out, is in,” Vanessa would consistently repeat.  On October 25, 2015, I enrolled to yet another workshop.  Writing From the Womb with the wonderful and most sweetest, Alicia Anabel Santos.  I didn’t know her, but had heard great things about her.  Having Alicia as my midwife, as she calls herself, for the birthing of my first essay about depression, was exactly where I needed to be.  Her expectations for her class was to complete a polished essay by the end of the workshop for submission to at least 5 or 6 writing contests, and that, we did.  On March 2016, I submitted my second application to VONA. This time, knowing I would be accepted and simultaneously, trying to silence the negative voices in my head.  I was feeling this urgency to write about my depression as much as I did not want to.  I was ashamed about what people would think if they knew I had a mental health issue.  I was ashamed by the possibility of being labeled and called weak-minded.  I was ashamed to show the world that, no, I did not have it all together.  In having made the decision to abandon the life I led before my son’s autism diagnosis and becoming a full-time mom, I had no where else to run and no where else to hide.  I was forced to look at myself in the mirror and deal with all the shit I was hiding, including all the shit I didn’t like about myself.  I had to look fear in the eyes and rebel against the stigma that the word DEPRESSION carries.  I dove into it wholeheartedly, wanting to know everything about it.  Needing to understand and make sense of the reasons why so many people numbed themselves with all kinds of addictions, why so many people committed suicide because of this illness, including people we thought had the perfect life, became my mission.  I myself having tried to commit suicide, not to mention all the times I felt I’d be better off dead.  I began researching the “how”, and in some cases, the “why” people committed suicide.  In honoring the lives of those we’ve lost to mental illnesses, here is a list of those that suffered from depression, just to name a few...  

Vincent van Gogh, Dutch Post-Impressionist, gunshot to the chest (1890), Virginia Woolf, English author, essayist, publisher and writer of short stories, drowned herself (1941), Edwin Armstrong, inventor of FM radio, jumped from a 13th floor window (1954), Faith Bacon, American burlesque dancer and actress, jumped from hotel window (1956), Ernest Hemingway, American writer and journalist, Pulitzer and Nobel Prize recipient, gunshot wound to the head (1961), Marilyn Monroe, American film actress, overdose (1962), Kurt Cobain, Nirvana musician, singer, songwriter, guitarist and visual artist, overdose (1994), Isabella Blow, English magazine editor and muse to fashion designer Alexander McQueen, poisoned herself (2007), once declaring, “I’m fighting depression and I can’t beat it.” Alexander McQueen, British fashion designer and couturier, asphyxiation and hanging (2010), Robin Williams, American comedian and actor, hung himself (2014).  I was the most devastated by his death at that time. And LAST, BUT NOT LEAST, MY BEST FRIEND, Roz De La Rosa, (2016)...  My heart forever broken, taking a big chunk of me with him. 

I was at VONA in the Memoir Workshop with Reyna Grande at the University of Miami this past summer when I received the worst news I could have ever imagined.  My best friend committed suicide because of depression.  A battle he will never win.  His death broke me.  His death was a confirmation that I should continue to write about this disease.  His death has given me the conviction to be his voice, the voice, of all who suffer from depression. Especially, those like myself and so many who suffer from depression and other mental illnesses in silence because of the fear of being judged and looked down upon.  I want to invite you ALL to please help me be that VOICE for all of those we’ve lost to suicide because of mental illnesses, and to those that today, suffer in silence.  TOGETHER WE CAN END THE STIGMA.  TOGETHER WE CAN LIFT THOSE UP AND SHOW THEM THAT THEY’RE NOT ALONE, AND THAT IT’S OK TO SEEK HELP.  MORE IMPORTANTLY, AS HUMANS, WE CAN LEARN THE SIGNS AND LOOK AROUND US TO SEE WHO IS NEEDING SUPPORT IN ANY WAY POSSIBLE.  YOU’LL BE SURPRISED..

I have fought tooth and nail to get better and to do whatever it takes to stay healthy, for my life, for my happiness, for my family.  And I’m okay with admitting this.

So why do I write?  I write for my sanity.  I write to seek answers.  I write to make sense of my life.  I write to raise autism awareness.  I write to raise mental health awareness.  I write to be the voice of the voiceless.  I write for therapy.  I write because it’s my calling.  I write because it’s the best way I can communicate with the world.  I write because writing brings me joy.  I write because it’s most of what I know how to do.  I write because I must fight through the fear of sharing my stories.  I write because my stories matter as much as yours do.  I write, because writing saved my life...  And as Vanessa always says, I write to get back my power!