#which is really the inverse of what you'd expect. and I LOVE IT

[hamliet]

Never Have I Ever... Been So Grateful For a Show

Well, NHIE finished strong after the fourth season got off to a rocky start. The first three episodes were... messy, honestly, but then the story picked up steam. By the time we got to the final two episodes I was bawling pretty much the full way through.

NHIE also continued to flex its mature understanding of nuance, its appreciation for cultural differences, and its determination to keep its characters flawed and realistic. And including a game of Never Have I Ever in the finale? Fab.

All in all, it's a great ending to a great show. I loved it.

Ben and Devi

I've seen people complaining that the end relationship was predictable, or that Devi should be single, and kindly: no. <3

It fit Devi's character to end up in romantic love with someone, because the entire show has been about love for her. Love for her family, love for those who have died, love for her friends, love for her mentors, and yes, romantic love in all the aspects that entails (physical, intellectual, emotional).

The other thing that I think is beautiful about their relationship is that they both push each other in all these ways--physical (obviously), emotionally (Ben's final realization in New York was chef's kiss), and intellectual. They both get to go to their dream schools in part because of each other. Not only have they been pushing each other to excel since before the show started, but Devi helps Ben finish his schoolwork, and Ben encourages Devi to write that final letter to get into Princeton.

Ben's early acceptance to Columbia, which seemed a given given, well, his father and nepotism (I appreciated the show behind upfront about this), ultimately still almost gets sabotaged by his own repressing of other aspects of his life (which parallels Paxton, Blair Quan, and more, and isn't exactly new--see Ben's physical issues last season). This contrasts him with Devi, whose self-sabotage is always doing too much too suddenly. She's been trying so hard all along, but sometimes you need a final cheer to push you over the finish line.

Ben and Devi, Ethan and Margot

Ethan is dark!Ben. Margot is dark!Devi. On paper it's great.

Except... Margot was really, really annoying. I'm sorry, I found nothing remotely redeeming about her. Ethan at least served a purpose. The reason I think the first three episodes are so rough is that they focus on Margot but seem to not know what to do with her. But more about that later on.

Ben's speech about why he chooses to be with Margot in the first episode is well done and shows how much growth he still has to do. Because an essential part of love--of a mature kind of love and relationship--is that you are challenged to become a better version of yourself. Ben and Trent, in episode 2, shy away from this. Trent breaks up with Eleanor because he's afraid she'll break up with him, and he wants to do it first. Ben stays with Margot because she offers him superficial challenges, but nothing substantial in terms of his flaws.

That said, Devi making peace with Margot (numerous times) was narratively necessary because, of course, Margot's kind of a literary shadow (just not really well done). It also showed how much Devi's grown.

Trent + Eleanor

Trent's character is also really well done. That's how you deepen a comedic character. (Ethan was also dark!Trent in some ways; hence, Eleanor's crush on him.) Yeah, Trent's a stoner and not so bright. But, he loves Eleanor. He adores her, and he wholeheartedly believes in her. It's heartwarming to see.

I wasn't surprised they broke up early on, but was relieved they got back together. I think it was a funny inversion of what you'd expect, because El moving on to bigger and better things seemed like a natural progression. Yet, as the scene with El's mom showed... that's not what bigger and better is for Eleanor.

Yes, Eleanor still wants to grow. Yes, she still wants to be an actress and a director, and she's good at it.

But she doesn't want to leave her family and loved ones behind.

Eleanor knows what it's like to be left behind. And obviously it's not the same to leave a teenage boyfriend as to leave your own child like her mom. But, Eleanor ending up back with Trent was, frankly, narratively perfect for both their characters. Because Trent was helping her in her growth, and always had been from Season 3.

I also think they handled Eleanor's dreams and her complicated mother relationship well. The dream itself, even if it is far-fetched, even if it is unlikely to happen, is not bad. Pursuing it also is, in fact, positive (they paralleled this with Devi's dreams of Princeton). But, one of the best parts of dreams? Is the people you meet along the way, the people who cheer you on. It's a metaphor for life.

Paxton (and Lindsay)

Paxton's arc I think is one of the best in the series. I loved his journey from boy who was considered "hot guy" who sucked at school to the point where it was comic becoming a teacher. The episode where he helped Eric join the swim team was actually really powerful.

And, I didn't even roll my eyes when Devi told him he was an even better friend than boyfriend. On paper it's a cliche line, but it totally works within the characters' arcs (and of course the actors' portrayals!). Lindsay also seemed like much more than just a consolation prize to the guy who ends up outside the triangle--their relationship paralleled his with Devi, and quickly got me invested.

His final advice to Devi: "don't reinvent anything" also fits really well, because when Paxton at first refused to be Devi's boyfriend it was because Devi's image wasn't acceptable after the two-timing thing. Then, Devi's anxiety during their public relationship, the anxiety that actually ruined their romance, was because she didn't think she fit with Paxton or "made any sense" with him. But, she does fit with him. As a friend, and as herself.

Blair Quan + College

Blair Quan was also dark!Paxton--someone who lost themselves because they were always the Best in high school. The best student, the most popular. And then at college, everyone was the Best. And suddenly you're nothing.

The situation with Blair Quan was really realistic for how college can be for people, and in how the show (admittedly briefly) addressed the fundamental unfairness of college admissions. I work in higher ed, and... it's not fair. Nothing about it is fair. Professor Warner telling Devi outright that she "should have" gotten into all the Ivies actually meant a lot to me, because it's true.

For any readers of this who are applying to schools, there's a degree to which your merit matters, and there's a degree to which it's up to sheer luck. If they reject you, it's almost certainly not because you're not on par with other applicants. Hard work does not get you into prestigious schools. That's a lie. It gets you to a point, but it also gets a lot of other people to that same point, and then there is nothing at all you can do. It's up to luck.

Fab (and Addison. Kind of).

Fab's arc was interesting, but I feel like it peaked in season 2. I did like her conflict this season though, particularly with messing up about lying to Devi. The scene where she and Devi reconcile was beautiful, and the show handled it really well--giving empathy for Fab as for why she kept it a secret, while also pointing out that the lying was the fact greater problem than the initial applying.

The negative is that... I like Addison, but I wanted more. It kind of sucks that the queer character is the one whose romance doesn't come with two complex characters getting development. And sure, Fab isn't as important as Devi, Ben, or Paxton, but the fact that they wrote a compelling romance between Trent and Eleanor and gave Trent some damn deep character development despite him being a comedic character shows they were more than capable of writing a complex character romance for Fab. Addison is really just... kinda there, and we get no development for them at all.  Which sucks because I would like to have learned more about them! They had potential, especially as a parallel to Trent!

Nalini and Andres

Nalini and Andres were a little more out of left field... that said, Nalini clearly has a type! She likes guys whom she argues with first. I still preferred the hot doctor from Season 2, but that had less to do with Andres and more to do with the fact that I found Margot so irredeemably annoying. Still, I appreciated Andres' growth in realizing that he'd been spoiling Margot by catering to her every whim. This was itself a nice contrast to Nalini, who hurts Devi by being too hard on her.

That was especially a flaw in the early seasons, but Season 4 really showed how much Nalini has grown. She does mess up with her response to the college debacle, so her flaws are still there, but she's so much better than in Season 1. For example, Devi lashing out at her mom after she got deferred was irrational; Nalini really didn't deserve any of that, and yet Nalini still met Devi where she was at: with a chip salad, addressing her fears. It was heartwarming.

Even when Nalini then does mess up with the "stupid" comment, we know she didn't mean it in the same way Devi fears she did (that that's all she can be, rather than that yes, Devi did a dumb thing). When she comes to help Devi pack, it's genuinely heartwarming. I honestly think Nalini and Devi's relationship is one of the best in the show, if not the beating heart at the center of it.

Pati and Len

Now, Pati. Pati and Lens' relationship parallels Kamala's romantic drama--not just with Manish in Season 3, but also with Steve in Season 1. Pati is also very clearly where Devi gets her drama from, and I stan.

I also liked the parallels between Len and Pati and Ben and Devi. They are both Indian-Jewish couples, and Pati and Len's wedding of course marks a grand romance for them... and a grand romantic gesture for Ben, who arrives to tell Devi he loves her.

Kamala (and Manish)

Kamala's arc this season was good as well; I just wish we had seen more Manish than just in the finale. Still, at least Manish did have an arc in the previous season. Though, it was a nice twist to have Kamala's arc be not about romance, but about her career.

Where Art Thou?

I also missed some other side characters, like Rebecca Hall-Yoshida and Jonah.

Margot & Aneesa

The overall show was filled with callbacks to past seasons that were really well utilized, in that they showed the character's growth. Unfortunately, in one instance, this came back for the worse when they repeated one of their biggest writing mistakes from Season 2.

Devi is, simply put, absolutely not morally responsible for reporting Margot to have lied about her alibi for vandalism. Yeah, Margot ultimately didn't do it--but Devi didn't do anything wrong by reporting that. In fact, the principal should have actually done her job and checked the alibi with the teacher; it's like 101 common sense.

Clearly this is a callback to Aneesa (the episode even has Devi reclaiming the nickname "crazy Devi," which started there). However, the shame is that the writers didn't learn from how they bungled the Aneesa plotline, and they did. Here again they hold Devi responsible for something she frankly is not morally in the wrong for. The show also mentions the Aneesa incident and calls Devi "a liar and a bully" for it, but she objectively didn't lie? And frankly Aneesa bullied Devi more than Devi bullied her and was never called out for it.

While I think it's a flaw, it COULD theoretically work from a psychoanalytic theory in that really all that Devi can control is herself. She can't force others to do what she wants, even if it's unfair. And that's part of maturing is realizing that (and it's not the same thing as selfish focus). You can't control the world, even when it's unfair and even when other people are frankly wrong.

I did like more or less how Margot was resolved in the end; namely, that she was not there among Devi's friends at the end. I also liked that Aneesa did defend Devi in the final episode from someone mocking her about the Clean Sweep. It just would've matter more if Aneesa's actions had ever been addressed.

The Principal + Professor Warner

Also, while in general the show is great in its portrayal of teachers and satire of other teachers, the principal sucks and she's not actually funny. She acts like another teenager, but unlike some of the other teachers/adults who are framed well, she's framed as being more or less fine instead of with the critical lens of the others. And she isn't.

Professor Warner stands in stark contrast, because she is wise even though flawed. The principal is just... awful. I'd never liked her, but this season made me hate her.

The Therapist + Grief

Now that I've gotten my salt out of the way, let's end with a positive and a theme.

The therapist's final session with Devi in the penultimate episode--I bawled.

“When I first met you, you were a closed-off, angry little thing... But look at you. Look how far you’ve come. You faced your trauma, and you came out on the other side.” 

They used this to emphasize the show's main theme: grief. Despite how this quote makes it sound, the show doesn't actually frame grief as something to move on from. Instead, it's something that accompanies you.

Grief is like chasing a dream. Grief is part of life. It is love itself, but a painful part of it, and grief never, ever stops. You never "get over" someone's loss. You never stop loving them.

But, you learn to see them around you, and in you. In the dreams you planted together, like Devi's dad telling her about Princeton. In the loved ones you shared, like how Devi yells at her imagination of her father that he's not here, but then Nalini arrives to help her pack.

Just because someone's gone doesn't mean they stop influencing you, or stop being a part of your life.

There will always be moments of pain, like Devi in the final episode with the imagination of her dad. But, there will also be moments of feeling them again.

[eleonkraken]

Series 14 of Doctor Who feels a bit like series 7 to me, in that it feels like it's missing something, and some episodes feel more paint-by-numbers than others. But another thing I've been struck by is just how many scenes feel like they go on for a lot longer than I expect them to. It makes the pacing feel quite slow at times.

I thought Boom, Dot and Bubble, and Rogue were the best episodes. Boom was like a fairly high concept, high tension, simple episode that was really well executed. Dot and Bubble takes place in this interesting sci fi world and had a really impactful payoff at the end (whatever you think about the writing behind it). Sort of similar idea to Smile, where the "machinery" gains sentience and starts to take control. Smile obviously has better little moments establishing Bill and her relationship with the Doctor, but I did like the creativity of Dot and Bubble. I used to read a lot of far-future janto fic and this episode reminds me a lot of how people used to imagine that kind of world looking like and functioning.

Rogue is a typical fun little monster episode. The best part is the way Ncuti shines and has really great chemistry with Jonathan Groff. But it's always tricky to write the-Doctor-does-romance. I think the moments between the Doctor and Rogue will be really memorable and meaningful to a lot of people, but mostly what I was thinking about was the "Captain Jack Harkness" episode of Torchwood, which did that particular scene in a decidedly more impactful way. I'm sure I'm the millionth person to point this out. I love that we're doing a scene that feels similar to that today, on the main show, with the Doctor. I'm just also thinking about, if I were to compare them, I'd say the Torchwood one is better.

The latest episode was a bit all over the place for me. And again, felt slow-paced. I don't think we can really judge it before we've seen the final part.

Overall I think I was expecting the show to be more ambitious. People have been talking up the Disney budget so much I guess I got my expectations up too high, because I really miss the sense of scope you'd get from the big Capaldi episodes like Death in Heaven or The Zygon Invasion / Inversion.

[perpetual-fool]

Logically Gullible

Context, I'm made significant progress with my mental state, using the 'contrarian' strategy. I've refuted the beliefs that I'm innately bad, should be suffering, and shouldn't be allowed any understanding. And I've come up with an explanation as to how people seem too genuine to be as dishonest as they are, which also underpinned the aforementioned beliefs. I'm simply gullible. But I'm gullible in a 'framing the situation' kind of way. Like someone would tell me "if you really loved me you would have rotated your onions", I just kind of accept that, and then struggle to figure out how I was supposed to know to do that.

The problem, I don't know how to decide how to think about things. In principle, I can now catch the 'piece of shit/kill yourself' thoughts. But I don't know how to replace the thought patterns that create them, and I don't know how to feel good about anything. So like, I've been running across skits of corporate shenanigans that are like "we want you to come in fifteen minutes early but not pay you for it, because preparing for work isn't 'work'" and I legitimately do not know how to process something like that. Ostensibly that's like saying "'cooking' means applying heat to the food, so peeling and chopping vegetables isn't 'cooking'". And you know, if someone paid you to be a cook but expected you to peel the potatoes for free, you'd be upset. But if that's part of cooking, then isn't buying and transporting the food also 'cooking'? Why wouldn't eating and sleeping so you have the physical and mental energy to do the work also be 'cooking'? Is watching a video of a guy making cookie lasagna also 'cooking' because it's contributing to your knowledge of how food works and might ultimately have an effect on your work?

I don't know, I'm missing something critical.

I would guess that what I need is the inverse of what's causing the negative thoughts. Say, there's the thought that what I do isn't good enough and I should feel bad about it. For instance, sharpening the kitchen knives, it's easy to think they're not sharp enough. But I've done sharper, for a while I made them just as keen as the straight razor I had been shaving with. The result was that they went dull faster, weren't actually any easier to use, and I'd end up with papercuts all over my hands from the incidental contact of handling them. If the 'not sharp enough' sentiment was true, I should have felt fulfilled for making them too sharp. But no, it shifted to something else. They're not at the level of sharpness perfectly suited to their use case instead. (Except they are, and the bad thoughts don't recognize trade-offs.)

So hypothetically, I'm missing whatever would tell me that what I've done is good enough.

How does that work? ya' know, when people aren't manipulating you?

[atomic-thomas]

(Fake ASMR Commission) A Chat With The Pizza Delivery Girl

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*doorbell sound followed by door opening*

"Heeeyyy! Here's your pizza. That'll be $20 dollars."

...

"Thanks. Nice place by the way."

...

"Ah-... Hmmm... Well then... I haven't been asked that by a customer before. You really don't mind if I just... Come in? Stay & chat for a bit? That's pretty unconventional. I'm not even sure if I'm allowed to do that."

...

"You know what? Sure. Why not? We're about to close for the night anyway. I doubt they'll need me right now."

*door closing*

"So... What kinda pizza did you get? I'm just handed the box & instructed to deliver it. The only time I actually get to look at pizza is when I'm in the kitchen or eating some myself."

*box opening sound*

"Oooh, Supreme. That looks good. Too bad it's not mine. I'd love to have a slice."

...

"Wait, really? I can? But... You're the customer. You bought it. Am I even allowed to do this? I've seen those CCTV videos where a pizza delivery person gets fired because they were caught eating toppings."

...

"I suppose this is different. You are offering after all. Okay, well... Thanks a ton. Don't mind if I do."

*eat da pizza, Fake. yum =P*

"Mmm. *munch* I love the pizzas we make. *munch* I'm sure you can see why we're the best in town."

...

"Yeah, they're a bit pricey, but... You get what you pay for. Quality. And when it comes to toppings... Quantity."

...

"Why did I want this job. Well, it's simple really. It's my pride & joy to deliver this legendary food to anyone in need. Everyone loves pizza. It's basically THE food of all time. I can't think of a single person who doesn't like pizza."

...

"The lactose intolerant. You know, it's funny you say that. Recently, we got the strangest order ever. So bizarre & unique that it's never happened before in the restaurant's history. At least as far as we know."

"Someone ordered... A pizza without cheese."

...

"Yep. Not even kidding. It was just sauce & toppings. When we got the order, everyone was so confused. This customer must really not like cheese."

"Then there's people who like the inverse. Extra cheese. I get the appeal, but I just can't vibe with it personally. That's... A lot of cheese. It's greasy &... It doesn't taste that great when you re-heat it later. Not a fan."

...

"You've tried making your own pizza. From scratch? Please don't tell it was from scratch."

...

"Oh, good. I've tasted what homemade pizza is like. And you really have to know what you're doing to produce good results."

...

"So... My mother is a great cook. She really genuinely is. But if there's just one weakness she has... It's pizza. I hate to say it, but she never made good pizzas. In fact, if I'm being completely honest... They were awful. The worst pizza I've ever had in my life."

"She made the crust using bread dough which basically doomed the pizza to have a terrible texture. Then she used pasta sauce which... I suppose isn't that bad, but... The biggest offender was the choice of cheese. Cheddar. Not mozzarella."

...

"It was just as bad as it sounds. The end result was a tough, chewy pizza that was 90% crust. It had flour on the bottom so it was really powdery & got all over your hands. And it had such little flavor. It wasn't even the flavor you'd expect from a pizza. It was just... A disaster."

...

"I think even she noticed how bad it was. The leftovers stayed in the fridge until they went bad & had to be thrown out. No one wanted it."

...

"The secret to a great pizza is understanding the ingredients. You must consider what will produce the best results. Can you appreciate & individualize each topping? Is the crust good enough to eat? Does the cheese have a good consistency? Does the sauce have just the right amount of sweetness to blend in harmoniously with the rest of the pie? Can it be re-heated later & maintain it's quality? You can tell I'm very passionate about this."

...

"To me, the perfect pizza is one that I'll keep coming back to time & time again. It's a careful balancing act. Take the crust & make it buttery, but not too much. Thin, but not paper. Thick, but not cardboard. A nice crunch, but not too hard. The sauce should be sweet enough to bite your tongue, but not so sweet that it's all you taste. And don't drown it in sauce either. Like with cheese, less is better. All the ingredients need their fair share of space. And speaking of cheese, make it crispy. I don't want a gooey mess, but instead something that tastes like it melted with purpose. Like molten iron being forged into a valuable tool to aid you on your adventure to culinary conquest!"

...

"Whew... Sorry. Haha~ I really lost myself there. Once I start talking about pizza, it's hard for me to stop."

...

"It was cute. Aww, thanks. That makes me feel less embarrassed."

...

"You know... I've seen some pretty bizarre pizzas. With so much customization, you can really do anything. I've seen a Chicago style hot dog pizza before, crazy as that sounds."

...

"It's pretty much what you'd expect. A pizza with condiments for the sauce as well as hots dogs & even pickles for the toppings."

...

"It was super weird. And it smelled really funky. I didn't try it myself, but hey. More power to those who did."

"Now... Something I did try once was a maple-glazed chicken pizza. The sauce itself was also maple syrup. I wasn't sure how cheese & maple syrup would taste together, but it was actually pretty good. Gave me a headache though. Too much salt & sugar all at once. Needed to drink a lot of water after that."

...

"Oooh, stuffed crust. A classic. You can eat the pizza down to the crust then dip it marinara for a zesty cheesy breadstick."

...

"What exactly do you mean by 'Pizzas that aren't actually pizzas'?"

...

"Ohhh, so like... A cookie pizza. Hehe~ Yeah, we serve those to. They're so yummy! You gotta get em' when they're fresh & hot out the oven. It's a great way to indulge in dessert."

"Speaking of freshness... Frozen pizzas. They definitely have the potential to be good. I've had some genuinely great frozen pizzas before, but... Nothing beats a fresh pizza. You gotta eat it right when it's done. It's the true pizza experience."

...

"Hmmm... Deep dish, huh? I know why it's a thing, but it's just too messy for me to enjoy. Plus you have to know what deep dish actually means. It's not deep crust. It's deep sauce & toppings. Some people get that wrong & it's really awkward when it happens."

...

"Yeah, we've talked a lot about this Italian cuisine, haven't we? Well... I say Italian, but pizza was actually invented by the Greeks. Not sure what happened there."

"Well, I should probably get going now. It's getting late. Thanks for inviting me & sharing the pie. I really wasn't expecting such generosity."

...

"You're just one of those people, huh? You've definitely got a good head on your shoulders. I'm sure we'll being seeing each other again when I deliver you another pizza."

------------------------------------------------------------

THE END

By the way, here's my own stinger for once. How did I not write the word 'Pepperoni' a single time in a script about pizza? I didn't joke about pineapple on pizza either. That's so baffling.

And here, Fake. This should make a nice background for the thumbnail. Just like how you used a Lemon pattern background for the Lemon Religion audio. 🍕

[tmae3114]

I think probably one of my favourite things with Diath and Evelyn is how they each have the speech pattern that you would expect the other to have

That’s just. a really neat bit of mirroring between them.

[liyazaki]

I know, I know- I went right for the jugular with that title. at first glance, this might look like a KinnPorsche finale hit piece...an "oh, y'all thought this was a HEA?" before I throw a bucket of gore all over your warm fuzzies, Carrie-style.

in reality? this is a long-form love letter to perhaps the most meticulously-constructed show I've seen in years- Asian, Western, European, etc., et. al. period, fin, full stop.

if there's an idea that KinnPorsche has driven home over and over again, it's that more than one thing can be true at once. that idea has never been more overt than in the finale.

something can be immensely satisfying, hella romantic, quietly appalling, empowering, and like a waking nightmare- all at once. for me, the finale was every one of these things- just maybe not for the reasons you'd expect. in summary: have a little faith before reaching for the pitchforks (thanks in advance).

but first: a little history, a little fandom

some background before we jump into the, as @dancinbutterfly likes to say, "it's about the DRAMATURGY"- of it all. I've been going into every piece of media for years now with as close to the inverse of expectations as you can get, because she has been burned and then some. I've been in fandom of all sorts for many, many moons. perpetual disappointment followed by headcannoning fixes are old friends, and I know them well.

I dumbed this show down before it even began, at no fault of the story or crew or anything else. eliminating my expectations before the word 'go' is just something that happens automatically. if you had told me pre-KP that a quasi-porn-with-feels, Thai-BL-meets-the-mafia show would shock me out of my media coma, I would've just giggled and said "sure, Jan".

that's exactly what happened, though: week after week, this show gave and gave and gave some more. unapologetic queer horniness on full display? here; take it. you want a light, joyful relationship in contrast to perhaps the most intoxicatingly-toxic one you've ever seen? sure, we got that too. how about fascinating moral quandaries and a dark, twisty thread of mystery running throughout? we got you covered and then some.

and oof, that mystery. the possibilities, the implications? the personal ramifications for these characters we were falling in love with? crumbs were suddenly being dropped from a table I forgot could have so much food on it, and I grabbed onto as many morsels as I could get my greedy little hands on.

we all did: the sheer amount of god-tier analysis and meta this fandom created is a testament to that. this show awoke something in our brains that made the collective talent shine brighter than I've seen in a fandom in a long while (Bad Buddy is a close second).

and then- the Finale™

but the real pièce de résistance here: the part of this horny, batshit beauty of a story that puts this show front and center in my mental hall of fame? that finale. pardon the crassness, but it's very much warranted here: that FUCKING FINALE. it was more than the sum of its parts, while simultaneously being the EXACT sum in a whispering, "are-you-paying-attention?" kind of way.

it confirmed little red flags I didn't even trust I was really seeing, which, sure- that's just good writing, solid storytelling. but then it said "nah- we're not done", and stuck the landing so intelligently, it elevated the rest of the story past my wildest expectations. thanks to the finale, I know that my rewatches (yeah, it'll be plural- move along) will be a perpetual mind-fuck affectionate.

it set up us for a likely-explosive second season, with as much potential for greatness as there is for Shakespearean levels of tragedy. without that 81-minute magnum opus, I doubt I would’ve been compelled to write this monster in the first place.

so let's get into the impact of the finale by taking a closer look at the most important players- starting with our sex-on-a-stick (I had to), second-in-command himself.

without further ado: you ready for a deep dive?

kiss me so that I forget myself. I close my eyes & fall in the abyss. -Kamand Kojouri

the title for this meta- Tragedy Dressed Like a Daydream- was inspired by Porsche's iconic walk down the hallway, cementing his new status as he symbolically ascends his throne.

my first thought during this scene- besides the obvious serve-CUNT-king- was, "that's a man who's walking to the gallows- he just doesn't know it yet."

Porsche also embodied raw, effortless power in this moment- but it carried even more weight than just that. this was an easy, almost-royal kind of stride- like he was born to it.

from Porsche's unforgettable presentation to the visual callbacks (more on that in a minute), this is the definition of a full circle moment. it felt less like the victorious kind and more of the snake-eating-its-tail variety, though. again, more on that analogy later.

my doom-and-gloom reaction to this scene has nothing to do with the fact that Porsche is not only staying in the Family, but rising to the top of its ranks. this is a mafia tale: I signed up for bullets, bloodshed, moral ambiguity and as much be-gay-do-more-crime as possible.

once I started to drill down into what exactly about this moment made me feel so unsettled, the reasons turned out to be much more nuanced.

a couple interesting details about this scene before we get into the nitty-gritty: we've seen this kind of oozes-power walk before. it's what I opened my Kinn character analysis with:

Kinn carries himself with the relaxed ease of an heir born to inherit a throne, and the singular, brutal focus required to keep it.

this is how Kinn walks into every room he enters- when anyone besides the people he's closest to are present, anyway.

there's so much I want to say here about the choice to film Kinn from behind versus Porsche head-on, the framing, etc., but I promised myself I wouldn't get too far into the weeds in this meta.

one more tidbit I noticed in this scene: Porsche never blinks- not once. a neat little trick I learned in Psych 101: blinking less communicates ease, confidence, lack of anxiety; while frequent blinking says "I'm afraid/nervous/lying." if you want someone to see you as more confident than you might feel, look them straight in the eye- or straight ahead and past them, like Porsche is here- and blink less. I doubt this was intentional, but it adds (subconsciously) to the powerful aura radiating off of Porsche.

when you know what a man wants, you know who he is- and how to move him. -George R.R. Martin

belief can be manipulated. only knowledge is dangerous. -Frank Herbert

the triumphant veneer on Porsche's ascension starts to crack as soon as we ask, "how did he get here?" the answer- the rot at the root, discreetly leeching off all the life it touches- is Korn.

we're well-aware that Korn is a master manipulator. he knows his sons' strengths and weaknesses like the back of his hand.

what really makes Korn a force to be reckoned with is his patience. he's been using his knowledge of how to utilize his sons- like the tools I believe he sees them to be- for a very, very long time.

it took years-worth of quiet, methodical consistency to orchestrate the events we arrive to in the finale- and to best mold his sons to carry out his purposes. we've also been getting hints at this the entire time- some of which weren't made clear until the very last moments of the finale.

galaxy-brained @dancinbutterfly caught a god-tier hint at just how deep Korn's machinations go, and it happened in episode ONE- yet it's impact in the finale is enormous. if you aren't convinced that Korn has been planning on using Porsche from the start, you're gonna want to hold DB's/my beer for this one. I'm going to be giving the CliffNotes version, but you can read DB's epic finale analysis here.

the last scene in the finale- with Kinn and Porsche declaring their commitment to each other on the boat- is a callback to episode 1 already, bringing us back to where Porsche jumped off the deck. after Porsche escaped, we cut to Kinn and Korn in conversation. I'll quote DB directly here:

Kinn is asked why he didn't procure Porsche- and we see Korn playing chess. he's playing as white, and white always goes first. Korn always has the information needed to make the first move. he takes the queen [Porsche]- and he uses it to get checkmate.

back to the finale: right after Kinn and Porsche's final hug on the boat, we cut over to Korn. he's sitting at a desk with two betta fish in front of him (my theory on that in a minute). Korn stops to look at his phone, smiling at the picture of Kinn and Porsche that Tankhun just sent him.

Korn's expression is that of a warm, loving father, by all appearances happy to see his son happy- but it kind of just made my stomach roll. and then, we reach the line that takes us all the way back to Korn's first game of chess, right after the other boat scene when he won the game using the queen:

"history is only written by the victors."

not to lapse into tag speak in the middle of a semi-serious meta, but are you crying screaming throwing up yet? someone throw me a thesaurus because "chilling" doesn't cover the level of twisted we're witnessing here. the juxtaposition of these scenes in particular casts such a deep shadow over Kinn and Porsche's happy-for-now ending, it's impossible to ignore (again, all credit to DB for catching it).

Korn didn't just make Porsche's sudden meteoric rise happen- he orchestrated it all. this hint was just a standout one of many. I don't think Korn ever expected Kinn and Porsche to get romantically involved, but did he ever switch gears masterfully when they did.

there isn't a single event in the course of Kinn and Porsche's story that Korn didn't either 1) make happen himself or 2) expertly adapt and work to his advantage.

riddle me this: what could be better for Korn than having his ever-loyal but soft-at-heart son on the throne? let's dream even bigger: how about having his son's heart as his second? as smart as Porsche is, this isn't a world he's known for long- at all.

Porsche doesn't fully understand the rules or know the players- and he certainly doesn't have the benefit of experience required to see the bigger picture. Kinn's biggest weakness is now right out in the open, ready for Korn to exploit when and if needed.

for a man like Korn, what could be better than that?

back to the fish, and what could be our last hint the finale at Korn's next move. betta fish- or fighting fish- are known for their aggression towards other bettas. Korn has the fish in two bowls, separate but still in each other's line of vision- and able to antagonize the other.

before he looks at his phone, Korn is tapping on just one of the bowls, almost like he's deliberately trying to rile the fish up. he's also watching them very intently- and Korn is the most intentional character in this show.

the meaning here is wide open to interpretation, but this moment doesn't feel accidental- next to nothing in this show is. I don't see how pitting Kinn and Porsche against each other at this stage in the game would work to Korn's benefit- they're the most obvious explanation- but I'm calling it now: there's something there, and I have a nasty feeling that it's important.

so- Korn is pulling all the strings. Kinn and Porsche are in power in name only. they’re simply pieces on the gameboard and they always will be, as long as Korn is alive. they’re only there because Korn wants them to be.

Porsche and Porchay were only reunited with their mother because Korn made it so. I could write pages of meta on those scenes alone- the combination of intelligence and fear in her eyes, her catatonic-seeming (but were they really?) reactions, ad nauseum.

I'm not going to delve too deeply into the Namphueng plot here, but I have to mention that something about her reveal feels reactionary. the timing and suddenness of it feels more akin to thinking on your feet than it does to a long-game strategy. there has to be so much more happening here than we're aware of yet.

the main evidence of this for me: Korn left Namphueng essentially locked up in a tower for years. Korn is nothing if not brutally efficient. he could've used her just like he uses everyone else right out in the open. it would have been a million times more practical for him to go that route, but he didn't. that choice says something.

I don't know if I can buy into the idea that his only reason for pulling off this years-long kidnapping-in-plain-sight was just to time her reappearance in order to control Porsche (and Kinn by extension). we're missing a puzzle piece here- really, I feel like it's a lot of them.

which leads us to the million dollar question: what the hell does Korn know? how far down the rabbit hole does the history- and crimes- of this family go? Korn methodically knocked so many threatening pieces off the board, there's now history that ONLY KORN is privy to. let that sink in for a minute. if knowledge is power, Korn's is now near absolute.

Korn's inescapable influence takes what otherwise looks like a beautiful triumph- Kinn and Porsche, united, back where they started- and makes it look more like walking into an abyss.

when and if we get S2, I can guarantee that none of us are prepared for whatever Korn is planning next. like I mentioned in the beginning, the potential fallout for our players left on the gameboard is, in a word- catastrophic.

I'll wrap up this section with a chef's kiss quote from my beloved @elnotwoods:

I got so blinded by the metaphor and the symbolism [playing chess] that I overlooked the fact that the pieces on a chessboard only ever do what the player wants, because there are different ways to play, different moves and strategies- but it’s ultimately up to the person moving the pieces to decide.

so the story of man runs in a dreary circle, because he is not yet master of the earth that holds him. -Will Durant

there's also the issue of who Porsche is, and the question of if he did possess full autonomy here- i.e. if Korn wasn't making his moves for him from the shadows- would this be the choice he'd make? does it align with who he is- or, at least, with who he used to be?

because no one- outside of the people in the Family itself- have been more directly affected by the brutality that comes with the criminal underworld than Porsche and Porchay.

their parents: slaughtered in their home. debtors harassed and threatened them both for years, to the point that Porsche went to beg for mercy on his uncle's behalf. they had to feel like they were living in a semi-constant state of fear- likely with plenty of righteous anger and resentment mixed in, too.

so rather than just a cycle that repeats, we have a true tragedy here in the form of the metaphorical snake eating its tail. the Kittisawasd brothers' lives, loves, even their life's purpose (for Porsche, at least) are now inextricably linked to the cause of the greatest trauma they ever experienced. they're not just a part of the Family now- they sit its throne, either directly or by association.

love- especially the new, fresh, starry-eyed kind of love- has a way of blinding you. of bending you in ways you never thought you would, without either lashing out or getting out first.

is Porsche capable of thriving in this world? absolutely. will it require depths of compromise he can't even fathom yet? undoubtedly yes.

I also don't believe Porsche would have put Porchay within 1000 miles of everything Kinn's world brings if it weren't for love. the "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" argument could be made here- the enemy being the world of the Family, not Kinn himself- but it doesn't ring true for me.

plus, we have Porsche's own words to fall back on:

I'm not on the main family's side. I'm not on the minor family's side. I'm on your side.

Porsche is here for love and love alone. Kinn is here because he is ever-loyal...Porsche's love is a bonus. a life-changing, beautiful bonus- but just a bonus nonetheless.

I have to pause to address what Kinn did and said right before this moment. he doesn't know his father is alive, but Korn's influence- or maybe more accurately, Kinn's indoctrination- is still SO strong, Kinn pulls a gun on the man he loves at the mere possibility that Porsche MIGHT believe Korn was responsible for murdering his parents.

and do you believe him? if you believe him, you have to be on the main family's side. if not- we're on a different sides.

more on this when we talk about Kinn, but this is bone-chilling stuff.

to circle back to Porsche and how he got here: at the heart of it, his decisions aren't all that different from the things anyone who's been stupid-in-love have done or come close to doing: compromising your values, making exceptions- being blind to the bigger picture.

what could catapult Porsche's ascension into a full-blown tragedy (gay gods, let it not; I mostly like being alive) ultimately rests on the gorgeous shoulders of our next major player.

the proverb warns that 'you shouldn't bite the hand that feeds you.' but maybe you should, if it prevents you from feeding yourself. -Thomas Stephen Szasz

while pretty much all of Korn's scenes gave us glimpses of his manipulation, they showed us something else equally important: the depths of Kinn's devotion, specifically to his family and the Family. in Kinn's mind? I don't think he can tell the difference between the two.

this isn't Kinn's fault- he never stood a chance. how could he? Korn's had an actual lifetime to subtly shape and mold Kinn into the obedient foot-soldier-in-a-Gucci-suit he is today- and did he ever get started with him young.

remember Kinn's fireside confessional? he told Porsche about his dream as a kid to be a singer, but he seemed to let go of that dream almost as quickly as it came. where did Kinn get the idea of having to step up to take the burden off of Tankhun if not from Korn?

he was a child, but the walls of his cage were already closing in- and he was none the wiser. cut to all of these years later, and he STILL isn't aware. Kinn is incredibly kind, caring and soft with the people he loves, so he just said "yes- I can carry this great and terrible thing." he took on the burden, and his life is forever changed because of it.

he can't get that time back, that dream, or take back all the things he's done in service to Korn since. he's left with wistful "I wonders" before shaking himself off and moving onto whatever task is assigned to him next.

Korn is incredibly aware that love- romantic or otherwise- is Kinn's Achilles heel. all he has to do is casually mention how much the Family needs him (e.g. the apple scene) and boom- Kinn immediately falls back in line. Kinn would move heaven and earth for Porsche, but his blind loyalty to Korn is just as strong, if not stronger- the ultimate question, really.

and it bears repeating: Kinn's blindness is through no fault of his own. he's been systematically manipulated and groomed into becoming the man he is today. the fact that he's retained as much of his humanity as he has is a small miracle- however compartmentalized that humanity might be (read: being able to assassinate someone on the spot without a sideways glance).

if Porsche was walking to the metaphorical gallows unaware, Kinn is living on the knife’s edge, not realizing how incredibly precarious his newfound happiness is. he has faith in a foundation that doesn't exist. he's been drinking from a poisoned well all his life, and he's unwittingly invited Porsche to partake, as well.

I have no doubt Kinn’s intentions are good, and that his love for Porsche is as true, deep and real as any. it's the same sort of unquestioning, all-encompassing love- for his family, THE Family- that could be their ultimate undoing.

I am no bird; and no net ensnares me. -Charlotte Brontë

we're going to stick to the surface streets where Vegas and Pete are concerned, because to the shock of absolutely none of you who know me, I could write a book on them.

however, I have to highlight the stark contrast their story provides in the finale against Kinn and Porsche's. they were the only characters who walked away with complete autonomy.

what felt like the final nail in coffin to Vegas- no longer being in line to assume his father's position, gain his power and prove himself worthy- was his saving grace. again, this isn't because they got out of the mafia, but because they got out from under Korn- which, irony heaped upon irony, was still Korn's doing.

for now, Vegas, Pete and Macau have been set to the side of the game board by our main player. they're out of the game, but they'll still receive some of its benefits (likely financial). it's probably the best outcome they could have gotten.

regardless of how it came about, or whatever the future holds for Pete and Vegas- it'll be a future they author together from start to finish. they're going into this new chapter with their eyes wide open, their feet on the ground and with a mutual purpose- to somehow be a family- based exclusively on what they want and need most.

I wish that wasn't more than I could say for Kinn and Porsche, but with where we leave them in the finale, it is- for now.

we aren't one story- we can change our stories. we can write our own. -A. Poehler

and so, we reach the end. Kinn and Porsche are silhouetted against/almost swallowed by the darkness behind them (intentional? I'm thinking yes) on the deck of the boat where it all started.

everything has been leading us to this moment- even their final lines are a callback. Porsche is gazing at Kinn with so much warmth and affection, declaring that his life is Kinn's. Kinn assures him he'll treasure it, clearly in bliss- probably feeling like he finally has everything he's ever wanted.

the parallel- along with Porsche repeating again that he's there for Kinn and Kinn alone- gave me chills at all the high-romanticism, coupled with deeply-ominous foreshadowing.

Porsche's life is now Kinn's, and Porsche would give him absolutely everything (he already has). can the same be said for Kinn? is he capable of rising above a lifetime of submission to Korn for their relationship's sake, for Porsche's sake- or most importantly, for his own? Kinn and Porsche are on equal footing on the surface only, and Porsche couldn't be at a more dangerous disadvantage.

as @dancinbutterfly put it to me so eloquently:

there can't be equanimity when one person is standing on earth & the other is in chains, looking up at him from the heart of hell.

I have to use our catchphrase one last time here, because it's never been more applicable: this scene is the definition of many things can be true at once. when we step back to look at the state of play, the bigger picture- Kinn and Porsche's final moment is as tender and heartfelt as it is potentially heart-wrenching.

we're watching these characters we've come to know and love teeter on the edge of a precipice they don't even know exists- but we do. Korn knows- he created it, and he even gets the literal last word- not counting the small bit of dialogue in the final-final scene with Porsche, Porchay and Namphueng.

I was so distracted by the beauty of the relationships between our main/side characters and how they were developing, I didn't go over many of these small- but, in retrospect, crucial- details too deeply, until the finale left me feeling so uneasy, I had to figure out why. even that might have been intentional.

not to go crazy conspiracy board here (but I will): how poetic would it be if the intention all along was to 'dupe' (but not really, because we're talking about it here) the audience into being in exactly the same mental boat as Kinn and Porsche?

i.e. we're so distracted by all the pretty, shiny things (love! HEA! they're in power together! etc.) that we don't see the forest for the trees? I really hope- and dread- that we might get to see it all come to awful, angst-ridden fruition in a second season. because that, my friends? truly god-tier level story telling.

even with all this possibility for heart-wrenching fallout, I've never felt 'safer' as a viewer as I do in the hands of these writers. they left some plotlines under-developed or unaddressed entirely (for now), but the unforgettable story this team managed to create from the mostly-trash heap that is the source material is a testament to their professional prowess, and evidence of all the thought and care they poured into KinnPorsche.

this show has consistently delivered on every promise it made, and managed to surprise me at every turn. I don't know exactly where we're going from here, but if we get to see Kinn and Porsche's story continue? I can't wait to see where they take us- even if it rips our collective hearts out in the process.

what a way to go, no?

special thanks to @dancinbutterfly for going full-on Pepe Silvia with me through half the night (more than once) while I slogged through this thing, and to my wonderful wifey @elnotwoods for helping get my ideas off the ground 💖 tagging some lovely peeps who have been patiently waiting for this behemoth to drop: @patprans @ellaspore @bengiyo @snimeat @rainbowcolored7 @maleficent-cannoli @i-got-the-feels @shinwoonoh @risu442.

as usual whenever I write long-form, I’m doubting whether I actually said anything at all here? either way- thank you for reading this far & I hope you enjoyed it 🖤