#which just ends up being so unsatisfying. so the salt thing is like. I don't want it to BE salty. its just that if it was a food i'd add

[emi1y]

What beers have u tried brother i was a beer guy too back in the day

UMM i don't actually remember any of their names other than modelo but ive tried some of the cheap frat guy genre (like coors) and then ive tried a bunch of my moms like. i have no idea how to explain it but the kind of beer that a mumford and sons looking man would drink. beard and mustache and glases and suspenders motherfucker thats what my mom is into. something that would release a pumpkin flavor for oktoberfest but it doesn't taste like pumpkins at all. i know one brand she likes is fat tire. I haven't actually had all that many but i try it when i have the opportunity bc i WANT to be a person that likes it so so so bad.

if you remember any that you liked lmk ❤️ i have a list of things to try at some point and i love adding new things to the list and then never actually making progress on it

[spearxwind]

as someone who. does not keep up with games pre-release, like, at all. what was below zero like before it was changed? i don't think i even heard about BZ until after it was released which is shocking considering how obsessed i am with the first game lmao

God so. It was actually pretty dang different. Jacksepticeye has a playlist where he played through the early access below zero builds. If you were unsatisfied with below zero (as i very much was), I greatly recommend looking up the playthroughs and checking them out cause the whole arc is sooo much better than what we ended up getting

for starters, robin's sister sam wasnt dead. Robin and her spoke to each other, as her sister was on a space station orbiting 4546B, and the main plot was about thwarting alterras meddling with the planet and keep the precursors and their tech from their knowledge, with robin as an actor on the surface doing stuff, and robins sister on the satellite using her admin job to keep alterra off of robins back. it was actually a pretty dope setup!

Another major difference is what pushed robin into the ocean, which was a huge avalanche destroying the base she was in. As in, robin was ACTUALLY stationed in the frozen zone working, when an avalanche destroys her base and forces her to go into the water to survive.

All of this was changed in the final cut to remove sam from the plot and having robin instead just crash land on 4546B to try to find her.

I think they also changed Maida's purpose a LOT because she was hinted at being more useful and it feels like, if the whole 'keeping alterra off your back' arc had remained, she would have had much more to do with it than she ended up having in the final cut. which was bossing you around to fetch a single thing and then not being relevant again

It just really feels like something went wrong and the story of the game is half baked at MOST (not to mention the design of the map but that's for another rant...) because like... when robin gets al-an in her head she is just so adamant on removing her and then SHE STAYS THAT WAY basically the whole game? al-an is nothing but a sweetheart to her and shes so fucking mean to him all the time i actually just didnt get it while i was playing. its so unnecessary, constantly cuts him off, shuts him up, etc etc. pretty much all the way until the end.

and then suddenly for the ending cutscene they are practically in love with zero warning. shes like oh my god i would follow you anywhere i would go anywhere with you. Bestie you hated his guts the whole 10 hour runtime of game what are you talking about................

It genuinely feels like something went wrong for sure.

And like, the alpha game pre-release was practically done!! The last major update they did to the early access was up until you create the body for al-an, which is literally the second to last thing you do for the story. You give him a body, and then immediately after that you can trigger the ending scene (at least in the final release, they might have had more planned after that in the original writing bu we will never know)

Which just made it so insanely jarring when you played the final release, which released over a year after that (i think), and the whole story arc was just. Gone. Replaced with what we got. I might be insane and the story got more and more replaced as early access went on, I am just going off of my memories of watching Jack's playthrough so take what I say with a grain of salt in terms of timeline accuracy, but the game was definitely changed beyond recognition from early access to final release as it went a complete and total rewrite more than halfway into production when they let go of their lead writer

[zoroara]

Here's a question I'll probably have to sleep with one eye opened for. Rip my poor soul, I know the Varia are gonna hate me for this one 🤣 But I thought it was fun, so *shrugs*

If the Varia members could have any other occupation that isn't mafia based,what would it be? (This question includes everyone *waves at the ocs you have*)

Oh boy is that ever a question, well that's pretty easy for the OCs at least So I'll start with them. For the non-ocs take em with a grain of salt because there's no perfect fit past what they're already in there is going to be HELL with them either way.

Vittorio is the absolute easiest, assuming a weapons manufacturer is off the table because while that can exist outside of the mafia, that is very similar to what they are already. But any sort of mechanical work would be a job they'd love.

Silenziatore is a bit not quite what you'd expect. See Silen absolutely loves animals, even tries to play with the box animals when their owners aren't around. He's decently good with people and if it paid decently well he'd be pretty okay with working at a pet shop or even a pet groomers. You're not supposed to try and cuddle the animals at the zoo even as a zoo keeper so it's probably best he doesn't work there however.

Nascosta Okay that's a doozy, there's actually a lot of jobs they could work if they weren't so ready to beat the shit out of people for slights. But they absolutely love attention, both for their strength and looks as well as showing the fuck off, are a fantastic actor and fighter, so the logical conclusion? They'd make an amazing wrestling heel. Not the immediately thought until you remember they need to be as physically strong as the people they mimic and they sure are able to mimic the other varia executives. They are hiding muscles with their mist flames.

Tyr is really funny, especially since I actually ended up with an au recently with it, because it's out of left field. See no job except the one he currently has would every work out for him so he'd be deeply unsatisfied in everything. So he'd actively seek out a job he absolutely hated but was good enough at to keep, because he's the type of person if he can't be happy he may as well be downright miserable. So he'd end up in a library, working in a quiet little place, shelving books dealing with people, so on. It's a jarring sight for sure, but he at least does a good job

Now onto the Canons, again the easiest to place first:

Honestly I think the Levi could thrive in any work environment, he is constantly early, always on top of things, his only issue is he's sometimes a little clumsy and can occasionally get lost without some sort of guiding system, like in the drama cds. Of course I don't think he'd like an office job and probably needs something more physical as with most of Varia honestly. He's probably do a good job in a more government position having to deliver documents and things.

Mammon literally anything that handles money and gets paid a lot, fuck they could probably just be an accountant, or maybe run a fucking insurance firm you KNOW they would get so much out of that. Life insurance? you know it. Good god would they bleed you out. I think that's too much power to give.

Lussuria's pretty straightforward too, I mean in his little interview section he was apparently the youngest body building champion, he could easily go back to those sorts of championships if he wanted, or maybe some sort of modeling career. He has some good options for sure. there's also another potential depending on how much medical knowledge you believe Lussuria to have, he could potentially be a pathologist.

Squalo, ohhh Squalo, see I have, funny answers for these ones and more serious ones. Though with his tolerance which while yes he's constantly being pissed off he's also just. constantly being prodded by his co-workers he probably could make it in anything literally less stressful than the current job he has. But regardless, with his sword skills, either competition wise(he really could be an Olympic level fencer if his dumb ass would like be satisfied with not killing his opponent), or teaching wise are potentials. I did have a really funny au where Squalo lost his memories and ended up working at an aquarium, mostly taking care of the sharks.

Now Xanxus and Bel, oh god these two. Buddy, buddy I don't think they can HAVE jobs outside of the Varia. Do they have some form of skills that can be used in other jobs? absolutely. Can they tolerate/take orders from other people? absolutely the fuck NOT. The best you can do with Xanxus is stick him in SOME sort of leadership role where he won't be bothered and pray to god he doesn't come and kill you anyway. Bel? Dear lird. I don't even think you can do THAT.

He needs to have some level of respect for the people above him and unless you're a violent fuck like Xanxus is that sure isn't happening. He may be a prince but I don't even think he's anywhere fit to be in the position of a leader.(I know Rasiel would agree with me there). Those two are best fit right where they are and honestly it's doing the world a favour by keeping them there.

Edit: Upon further consideration if we consider freelance an option, Bel could likely work as an Ice sculptor with his skills and thanks to being able to be choosy once he gets as a popular option he'd be able to do what commissions he thinks are cool.

[moregraceful]

bound my first little fic zine with my own seminal dumbass gay hockey rpf fanfiction top to the bottom, just cool!! i followed these perfect and thorough instructions on binding a fic zine from @eat0crow and typesetting the text block was done according to these incredible instructions by @armoredsuperheavy. i really would have had no idea where to start without their instructions. i started with a fic zine bc all my favorite fics are under like 25k and i'm not sure i want to invest in all the tools necessary for larger works when i'll be binding such short fics generally.

musing on process and future plants and mistakes i made under the cut - not due to the instructions but simply bc i am a moron 😌

this took about an hour and a half to make (not including typesetting), so it was pretty quick. (it might help that my first job in college was doing book conservation for an academic library, so i sort of have the skills in my toolbox, they're just hella rusty.) this is a 6.5k fic on 28 pages so it was a thin and manageable first work. i made several mistakes but it was good to try a first one and i'm pretty proud overall! i made a little zine of my fic!!!

mistakes...so first i printed it on the long edge despite eat0crow specifically calling out to pay attention to how you print it. i simply. have zero reading comprehension lol. so now i have a tidy 14 pages of paper that i will be cutting up into squares make paper cranes with! we love to reduce, reuse, and recycle in this house.

my next mistake was buying this beautiful decorative paper from two hands paperie for a cover, then receiving it and realizing that it was much too thin for a cover, and then buying OTHER colored paper that was also too thin and deciding i would split the difference and simply glue the decorative paper on the colored paper. i didn't glue it onto the paper before i bound it! it ended up okay. i'm honestly not entirely sure if it would have worked out for me to glue it on before binding it? it might not have had enough give when i bound it? so that's something to continue playing with future bindings. i bought more decorative paper specifically for other projects, but i'm going to keep playing around with it on my own fics until i figure out the best way to do it.

i also fully dropped into 20yo kasper being fussed at by his boss to NOT take shortcuts. DO everything slowly, she said. DON'T try to do too much at once! so i tried to cut down page creep page by page but i wasn't satisfied so i took my exacto knife and hacked it down all at once and then it looked worse lol. could hear my boss sighing from across the country. i don't know if i will keep trying that one honestly, i might be too lazy to do it when a book has more than on signature. this was only 28 pages so it was manageable but i typeset a work that was 72 pages last week and having done 28 pages and being unsatisfied, i really don't think i have the energy to do 72 pages and still be frustrated with the results.

which brings me to my next thing! this was a manageable 28 pages and i think that was a good length! but the next one i want to try binding is the second fic in the series brother let me be your shelter. i've been struggling in the salt mines for literal days trying to typeset it into sensible signatures and currently it's 48 pages long in signatures of 16 so i could bind them with french binding but i think 16 pages on 20lb paper might be too thin for french binding! so i'm going to have to keep messing with it. i had to make the font 10.5 pt to get it to fit to 48 pages. 10.5pt i think is fairly standard for a fic zine but i kind of think that if i am going to have to/want to bind multiple signatures anyway, i should just suck it up and make it bigger and play around with sizing. i really want to try french binding (here is a demo video from the preservation lab).

my final and probably biggest mistake is that i was using a rubber ruler i've had since freshman year of college, so it's completely warped and made cutting in a straight line a complete pain in the ass. might be why when i was cutting down page creep they looked like complete ass. so i gotta buy a metal ruler lmao.

the next fic after brother that i want to try (or maybe i should try it first if i am so determined to do french binding lol) is the baby sharks fic, which is only 10k, but the spacing is odd due to the format of the fic, which is why it is 72 pages (signatures of 24 pages). that will be a french binding project, but i'm still trying to decide how to do a cover if i do only french binding, since i foolishly bought paper before my first project and now have a shit ton of gorgeous but very thin paper - french binding doesn't have a cover so i gotta do some research. and after THAT i got permission from ash to bind two thousand miles away, but i can see you a fic that i love so much and which has similar framing (short scenes, social media posts, texts threads). it contains chapters which is a different challenge. also the anxiety starts to kick in when i'm working on other people's fic, so i want to have done the baby sharks fic first so i can see at least what that kind of spacing will look like and how to work with it. this is why i do not do podfic lol i have so much anxiety about honoring people's creative works appropriately and respectfully.

AND THEN. i feel like i shouldn't even say this so as not to spoil the surprise, but i'm already deep into the post and i don't know who is still reading. i know i would have refreshed tumblr to close the cut tag and gone to look at something else by now. anyway i want to try to bind all of lorna's witch verse, which i initially chose because eat0crow said their instructions worked best for fic that is 5k-20k and i thought well it's 27k so i'll just split it in half and treat every fic as a chapter. but now that i've seen how it goes with a 6.5k fic and also experienced HOW MUCH OF A PAIN IN THE ASS word is, i think i might try coptic binding to get it all done at once! (here is a video example.) i was rly reluctant to do any kind of hardcover binding as i didn't want to store davy board and all the tools necessary for davy board, but i'm in love with lorna and ella (who asked for a copy when she found out i am making one for lorna!) so now i'm like ok i better go for broke on this one lol.

anyway great to have a new hobby. my friends are always fussing at me to engage my brain other than writing fic or watching sports, and it's good to stretch muscles that have been dormant for a decade. excited to try new things, as you can see by the amount of paragraphs in this post. i always wanted my own bone folder in college and now i have one!!!!! sorry to my boss who spent so long and so much effort teaching me book conservation, i know you wanted me to be an academic conservation librarian and i feel bad every day that i threw your hard work down the drain and now work in a public library and decided to use the skills you taught me so carefully and gently thirteen years ago to bind gay fanfiction about hockey players.

[blightowl]

If you want to read Asimov’s Foundation series, here is some info on the series plus my recommendations!

(The whole shebang is under the cut :3)

There are seven books overall, with The Foundation Trilogy, two Sequels, and two Prequels.

The Foundation Trilogy

Foundation (1951)

Foundation and Empire (1952)

Second Foundation (1953)

Summary: The Galatic Empire has existed for over ten thousand years, and for its Emperor and citizens, there's every confidence it will continue forever. Only mathematician Hari Seldon and his associates know the dire reality: the Empire is dying. Using the advanced mathematics called “psychohistory,” Seldon predicts the Empire's fall and the era of devastating barbarism that will follow. In order to reduce that inevitable dark age from 30,000 years to just 1,000, Seldon establishes two Foundations, guided by psychohistory, at opposite ends of the galaxy.

Sequels

Foundation’s Edge (1982)

Foundation and Earth (1986)

Summary: Former Naval officer and Terminus Council member Golan Trevize, along with his companions, search for the origins of humanity - the planet where humans evolved.

Prequels

Prelude to Foundation (1988)

Forward the Foundation (1993)

Summary: This is the history of Hari Seldon - leading up to the events of Foundation (1951). With unlikely and unlooked for help, Seldon develops psychohistory to the level needed to enact the Seldon Plan (as it would later be known) and establish the two Foundations.

As with many early SF works, Asimov wrote the content of Foundation as short stories that were published in SF magazines. In 1951, those short stories were compiled and published as the first book in the series, Foundation.

First, Asimov wrote The Foundation Trilogy, and it was hugely popular. About 30 years after the trilogy was published, Asimov’s publishers persuaded him to answer the call from fans for more Foundation content. Asimov got to work and produced the two Sequels and then the two Prequels.

Okay so here’s what I recommend:

(Remember, these are only my opinions! Take from them only what you will, and definitely don't take take them as rules for how to read the Foundation series, please!)

Read The Foundation Trilogy first. DO NOT start with the Prequels.

If you want to read all seven books, I recommend you read them in the order they were published, which is the order I’ve listed above. (Foundation Trilogy, then Sequels, then Prequels.)

Treat The Foundation Trilogy, the Sequels, and the Prequels as different series.

Technically, all seven books take place in the same universe, however, Asimov wrote the Sequels and Prequels decades after he wrote The Foundation Trilogy. He did a lot of ret-conning. A lot of it was to tie the Foundation series into his Robot and Empire universes and connect them all into one.

Personally, I found a lot of that ret-conning unsatisfying in a way that detracted from the spirit of the original three books.

That being said, I did enjoy them, especially the Sequels, but as separate stories from The Foundation Trilogy.

This is my view of things, others may have found the Sequels and Prequels to be great additions to the original stories, so take this advice with a grain of salt.

The Prequels are optional.

The Prequels describe Hari Seldon’s life and how he developed psychohistory and planned the two Foundations. To me, going into all that detail “ruins the magic.” I really appreciated not knowing too much about Seldon in the original trilogy. Not knowing fit in with some of the major tenets of psychohistory.

Knowing less about Seldon makes his character more impressive and mysterious, and I liked it that way.

Revealing so much about him was like revealing too many details about the origins of the Xenomorph in the Alien movies - when we get to know too much about the alien, she becomes less scary.

This is a continuation of my recommendation above. Again, other readers have enjoyed the Prequels and maybe you will too! My advice is merely a reflection of my own experience with the books, and it’s up to you to weigh the opinions and info to make your own decision.

Overall, the Foundation series is wonderful. If you decide to read all or part of of the series, I really hope you enjoy it!!!

[minyoongees]

comethru || myg

✧ pairing: manager!yoongi x worker!reader

✧ genre: slight angst? hurt/comfort, pathetic attempt at crack, barely there fluff

✧ word count: 2k

✧ summary: Yoongi saves you from heinous karens

✧ snip: "We have a coupon for a free meal at your restaurant and we demand you open it right now!!" this bitch—

✧ warnings: karens, oc gets all panicky, bubbling anxiety, rude af people, unhealthy relations with parents, unrequited love? (oc doesn’t really know)

This fic was genuinely fun to write! I know I did not do a very good job on this it’s lengthy with useless info but it just felt important. Let me know what you think of this!

Also, the title is inspired by Jeremy Zucker's comethru

As a new worker in a big restaurant, there are a few words one could dread to hear. For example, 'You're fired' sounds horrifying, gut wrenching, all your student loans flash before your eyes. It's scary, yes, but it's not as dreadful as the infamous —

"Can I see your manager?"

"Ma'am I already told you the restaurant opens at 11:30 am, and none of the staff arrives before 11, but I'd be happy to serve you at 11:30" you assured.

BANG!

One of the three ladies with a blonde bob cut hit at the door again.

"We don't talk to low class workers, call your manager!" Called out another from the group while the bangs continued. It was so loud you were almost afraid that they will tear this place down.

"Because of the unavailability of the manager, a low class worker is all you'll have to speak to for now," you spat, "but I'd be happiest if you don't speak to me at all"

Numerous loud gasps were heard. If the head chef heard you talking like this, you'll be out of the restaurant sooner than these karens can call your manager.

"HOW DARE YOU TALK LIKE THAT TO A CUSTOMER???"

"Ma'am since you have not walked into the restaurant yet, you are not our customer." you tried to explain, "The restaurant opens at 11:30 ma'am which is just in an hour and a half, I suggest you wait outside on one of the tables."

Even though it was kinda against the rules to sit on the tables unless you eat at the restaurant, but you desperately needed to get rid of the situation. The restaurant didn't even open yet, so what could be the big deal about them sitting on the benches outside. You were just hoping your manager would be understanding.

Anticipating another harsh string of words from them, the total silence that hit you surprised you. You pulled the blinds lower and peeked through them. The ladies were seated on the chairs outside, looking through their phones. Even though a bit shocked that they decided to do what you asked so easily, you didn't wanna jinx it. You thanked your lucky stars and moved on to getting the coffee machine started.

The day hasn't even started yet and the karens are here to disrupt the place already. Being the newbie, you have to come early to get this place started and on top of that, people like them are making it even harder. You clearly don't get paid enough for this.

Moving on to wiping all the tables, you were wishing that when your manger arrives, he'll understand the situation. To come to think of it, he's actually a good man and been nothing but nice to you since you joined here a month ago. He even covered up for you when you broke a plate. Another time he took the blame upon himself when you put a bit too much salt in of the dishes and a few people left unsatisfied. He's been sheltering you ever since you joined here and you've been enjoying this more than you should. Yet you still can't help but hope he handles it this time too and saves you from these heinous Karens.

brrring brrring brrring!!

The sounds catches you off guard not because of it's sudden penetration into the too good to be true silence, but because it shouldn't be ringing when it's the restaurant's hours closed. Nevertheless against your better judgement you pick it up and place the receiver between your ear and shoulder.

"Thanks for calling the Nile's! My name is y/n, how can I help you today?"

"We have a coupon for a free meal at your restaurant and we demand you open it right now!!"

this bitch—

"Ma'am as I explained already, the restaurant opens at 11:30 and if you walk in by then, I'll be happy to serve you and make use of your coupons too." Is it too early to quit?

"Am I talking to the manager?" she asked penetratingly.

"The manager is not here yet, but as soon as he arrives, I'll make sure you're the first person he talks to." you tried calmly hoping it would help.

The woman on the line took a deep breath but nothing could prepare you for the coming onslaught of distress.

"Missy you've been saying this to us since the morning and yet your manager isn't here. You should not open a restaurant when you do not know how to run it.”

She was so loud you couldn't even hear yourself losing the will to live.

"You do not know my husband. If he gets to know about the way you've treated me today, your restaurant will be closed forever." She threatened and you could hear her talking from the outside. Did she know that you did not own the restaurant?? "You should be grateful to me for not telling. Now open this damn door RIGHT NOW!!”

Another round of bangs started ringing and it echoed through the walls. They seemed louder than you know they should've been. And it was the trigger. The helplessness of the situation created panic. Your eyes unfocused, your stomach churned and your heartbeat escalated. You felt trapped.

Her shrill sound coming from the phone felt like it was piercing your ear drums and you could no longer understand what she was saying. So you slammed the receiver back into place, not knowing what to do anymore.

The grip on the cloth between your fingers seemed weak. You have always been a strong woman, dealing with irrational people all your life since you spent most of it around such people. But the karens have been tormenting you since the past 30 minutes and it was bound to get to you, sooner or later. Though you'd hoped for later rather than sooner. They way they started banging on the door while demanding something from you seemed so familiar to the way your parents banged on your bedroom door when you locked yourself in to save yourself from them.

Anywho, the situation is delayed for now and you have to calm down and start working again or you won't be done till the rest of the staff comes around. You don't know till when you'll be living under Yoongi's shadows and he'll be protecting you.

You put your hands on your face and let out a deep breath. Back to work bitches.

You started wiping the tables again, trying to think about something else. That 'something else' had a lot of options for you like, how are you going to repay your student loan that you took to go to college and didn't even help you land a decent job, or how your mom has been pestering you since months to get married and you haven't the found the best way to tell her yet that you wanna focus on your career for now and become a chef, or... well let's just say you had better things to worry about. But your train off thoughts was cut short when the phone rang again.

You already knew who was calling, so you decided against picking up. The ear splitting sound of the phone again echoed through the walls and it made you want to throw the phone against a wall. You know the restaurant phones should be loud enough to be heard by the staff even when the place is busy, but it did not help with the way it was making you feel.

After what seemed like forever, it stopped ringing and you went on to work again. The phone rang several times after that and with each ring, you felt your patience slipping farther away from you. You had half the mind to pick up the phone and tell them off, but you knew it would only anger them further. Yet you couldn't let this go on so after at least a dozen calls, you decided to pick it up.

"Thanks for calling at the Nile's! My name is y/n how can I help you today?" you spoke through a sigh.

"I'VE BEEN CALLING AT THIS DAMN RESTAURANT SINCE THE PAST 2 HOURS AND NOBODY HAS PICKED IT UP." she bellowed. If you thought she was loud and shrill earlier, you would change your mind now. Also, 2 hours????? you weren’t even here 2 hours ago!

"I HAVE GOT ALL THAT YOU HAVE DONE ON MY PHONE AND I WILL POST THIS ALL ON FACEBOOK THE WAY YOU HAVE TREATED ME IS NOT AT ALL A WAY TO TREAT A CUSTOMER." she didn't even pause for a breath "WAIT TILL MY HUSBAND HEARS ABOUT THIS."

You didn't dare say anything for the fear that anything that may come out of your mouth right now, may anger her further, considering, you were not the manager she hoped to talk to.

There was small hustle on the other end. You could hear the ladies outside arguing a little. After a short pause, someone spoke again.

"Am I talking to manager?" this was not the woman who yelled at you earlier but someone else.

"Yes you are, ma'am"

You let out a small shriek. Surprised to see the receiver that was in your hands a moment ago, placed against Yoongi's ear. When the hell did he get here and how did you not even realize?? Even so, a strange feeling of safety filled up your chest at the sight of him and you felt like you could breath again.

"No ma'am, we cannot do that for you. As y/n here explained to you, the restaurant opens at 11:30 and no exceptions will be made for anyone." he explained calmly and it had you hoping that they'd listen to him if not you.

"I'm sorry for the inconvenience caused to you ma'am."

You just stood being a witness to one side of the conversation. You could hear someone talking outside the restaurant as well, but couldn't make out their exact words.

You admired his calm even in such a patronizing situation. At least to you, it was that way. In your eyes, he seemed so serene, his lips moved to utter the most calming sounds and you felt like you'd hand over your life to him if he asked you for it.

You really needed to practice professional work ethics when it came to him.

"Yes we will take care of this in the future, thank you for your suggestion."

"Ma'am we do not accept any kind of coupons for any of the meals provided here. Are you sure it is the same restaurant?"

Wait. But we do accept coupons here at the Nile's...

"No ma'am we cannot do that for you. There is no such policy, and we do not accept coupons."

"You can totally go ahead and call the police for yourself and we'll be sure to tell them how have harassed one of our workers over here." He said in an unbothered tone, gaze floating to you and you strangely found yourself looking away.

"Sure thing. Thank you for calling!"

And he placed the receiver back, as if job accomplished.

"Are you okay y/n?" He questioned. In his deep eyes, you saw genuine concern for yourself and you wanted to stay there for some while more. His voice was music to your ears and you did not want your own voice to taint the air around.

But he asked you something.

"Yeah." you said breathlessly and cleared your throat. "Yes, I'm fine, thanks for the help Yoongi"

It was something he insisted you call him even though the rules say he is your senior and should be addressed as so.

"Such people are so irritating and do not deserve to be let out of their homes. What kind of a husband would it be, huh!" he wondered, "though I question if there is any husband at all or she was just bluffing."

"Yeah I know right?" you didn't know what to say. "Though it was really impressive the way you handled them, I could never!"

He laughed at that. Sounded so heavenly, your knees kind of gave out.

And it was another day when he saved you. Why does he do that for you? Why was he here here so early? Why does he even try to get to close to you?

These are questions you do not have the answers to yet. You hope to get them someday. But you are happy they you are right now. Or maybe you are too afraid that the answers to these questions wouldn't be what you'd like to hear. Maybe he was just being nice and you being a horndog took the hint wrong way.

But for now, you have all the time (45 mins max before some other employee comes) to enjoy this moment with him alone in the closed restaurant, surrounded by the smell of food and his cologne and you have no idea which you like better. You wouldn't have it any other way.

masterlist | fin. 

[hoodharlow]

Mr. Hood [Teacher!Cal AU]: Chapter 2

Chapter 1

AN: So I made it to another chapter in this series. Buckle up folks bc it’s gonna get wild. 

Requested?: no 

Warnings: smut, petty remarks from calum

Word Count: 3600 words 

"Mina, apurate. The meeting has already started." Odalis said impatiently to her daughter in the stall.  

"Ya voy." Mina sang-song.

Odalis knew she should've made her go to the bathroom before leaving the bakery. Now she was late to the meeting for Mina's field trip. She wasn't sure how, but Aubrey roped her into being one of the chaperones. He was going to be, but because Johnathan got called to an emergency work trip, he cancelled.

Overall, she was dreading seeing the other moms. Most of them judged her because she was always working and never helped during fundraisers and all those other PTA activities. Odalis on the other hand didn't like them because one of them started a rumor that she's only Aubrey's surrogate and not really Mina's mom. Because it was completely reasonable for one fifteen year old to ask another fifteen year old to be their surrogate. 

She just can't handle them being up her ass critiquing and giving her disapproving looks. Maybe the box of cheesecake brownies would make up for her tardiness. She knew those moms love her baking. They all conveniently act friendly towards her during Valentine’s day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.

Mina walked out of the stall and gave her an unsatisfied look. She pointed at her chef's jacket and Dickie's pants. "Why didn't you freshen up? You can't meet Mr. Hood like that." 

She’s been insisting Odalis meet her new  teacher so she can date him because her teacher choked on his coffee when she presented her family tree to the class. That family tree project was cursed. 

It was a month ago when she was barely coming home from her night with Calum that Aubrey called her to ask if she could watch Mina because he got called into work. The day was fine. She had a little spa day at home with her, and they watched the first three Shrek movies. After dinner, Odalis was fixing Mina's homework folder when she saw the family tree project. A lot of tears were shed that night, most my Odalis. By the time Aubrey picked her up, the project was finished.

"Why are you so adamant about me meeting Mr. Hood? You know what? I'm not getting into it, hurry up."

She stepped out of the bathroom and paced around until Mina came out. They made their way to her class. As predicted all the moms sent her daggers as she slipped in the classroom. She bumped into a tall figure making her drop the brownies. She silently cursed and apologized to the person as she scrambled to pick up the pieces.

"Just take a seat." the person said.

She immediately recognized the voice. 

It was Calum's. 

Odalis set the box on the table and took a seat next to Mina in the back. 

"As I was saying," Calum continued, looking away from her and back to the other parents. 

Odalis wanted the ground to split open and swallow her whole. Of course she would sleep with her kid's teacher. 

Her phone silently lit up. It was a text from her friend Ashton. 

That was quite an entrance. The message read. 

She looked up and scanned the classroom. She spotted Ashton's bright smile. He waved at her and turned to wave at Mina who returned an enthusiastic wave to him. Her phone lit up once more. 

You're chaperoning?!? I'm about to order a 'MILF of the Year' trophy. 

Odalis rolled her eyes at his message and went back to pretending to follow along to what Calum was saying.

"He's so handsome. I wonder how he's still single." She heard the lady next to her whisper to another mom.

"I know. You can just tell he's good in bed." The other agreed.

Odalis tried paying attention to Calum and the whole itinerary for the day while those two debated which position Calum is best at, but she couldn’t. She itched to tell them that being on all fours while he takes it from behind is a religious experience. Especially when he's whispering sweet nothings in her ear.

She shifted in her small seat, hoping to get some sort of relief in between her thighs. As she watched him, she tried to distract herself from the more filthy thoughts that filled her mind but failed. He talked with his hands, which were not helping the situation at all. There was also his teacher's voice. He spoke more articulate and precise whereas at the bar he was more relaxed and carefree. He sounded so demanding, yet caring. She couldn't explain it, but just from watching him in front of the classroom she knew he belonged there. 

About half an hour later, she noticed everyone got up. She followed suit, and walked over to Mina, who was in Ashton's arms. She glanced back at Calum as he smiled and nodded to whatever the swarm of moms told him. 

"Mina, recoge tus cosas." Odalis told her. 

Her daughter huffed and Ashton set her down. She went back to where she was coloring and picked up her book and crayons. 

"What are you doing here?" Odalis asked Ashton, reaching over to give him a side hug.

"My mate's the teacher. He needed another chaperone for the trip." He explained. He leaned in close her ear. "You didn't hear from me, but he slept with one of the parents here. So I'm here to see that shitshow unfold."

"Oh god, I'd hate to be that parent." She laughed awkwardly.

***

"Fuck! Right there Cal! Yes!" Anya screamed, as Calum took her from behind. In a matter of seconds she was a moaning mess.

“Shit." Calum grunted. 

He closed his eyes, hoping he finally would cum. But all he pictured was Nelly and not the girl in front of him. He frustratedly pulled out of Anya and dumped the condom in the trashcan next to his nightstand.

"Did you—"

"No." He snapped. He dropped his shoulders. "Sorry, I just have a lot of shit in my head right now."

"Don't worry about it. One good thing about you, is that you make sure I finish at least twice." she teased, making him playfully roll his eyes at her.

Calum pulled on his sweats and got out of bed. Thankfully, Anya knew when her time was up. She didn't mind much, it came with the territory. She knew that someone like Calum wasn't in the cards for her. She picked up her clothes and went to the bathroom. 

He gently knocked on the bathroom door. “I’m going to go take Duke out. I’ll be back in fifteen minutes. Help yourself to anything.”

“Okay, I’m gonna hop in the shower real quick.” She responded. 

He grabbed his hoodie and exited the room. Duke lifted his head from the couch. His tail wagged excitedly as he watched Calum get his leash. He hopped off the couch and hopped on the small bench under the key holder where the leash is. 

After struggling to get the raincoat on Duke, Calum and him were on their way down. Once they reached the lobby, Duke gave him an annoyed look after seeing that here wasn’t any reason for him to be in the raincoat. They spent fifteen minutes wandering around the same tree until Duke decided he rather pee on the small flower garden bed. If Ashton saw him now, he’d drop dead.

They went back inside just as it poured. Calum pressed the elevator button and waited. He answered a text from his best friend sent him, asking if he was still coming over to his girlfriend's belated birthday party as he rode back up to his room. By the time he arrived at his apartment, Anya had left. 

Calum checked his calendar when he put Duke’s leash back on the key holder. The day of the field trip approached faster than Calum anticipated. It was weighing heavily on shoulders that he couldn't fuck it up. While he was getting ready, Dr. Tellez, the principal and his boss, called him telling him that she was going to meet them at the museum for a bit. 

He finished buttoning the last button of his shirt when his phone rang. He patted his pants, cursing that he couldn't find it. He threw all his clothes off the bed and patted the duvet, nothing. He got up and surveyed his room. He spotted it on his night stand. 

He saw Crystal, Ashton's girlfriend and one of the other third grade teachers, on his phone. He'd been avoiding her and Ashton since the meeting. When they went to their friend's house, Ashton badgered Calum the whole ride there, wanting to know which parent he slept with. "'Lo?" He answered. 

"Hey, my car is out of juice. Can you stop by Delicias and hook me up?" Crystal said through the other side.

Delicias was Odalis' bakery and there's no way in hell he was ever going there. 

"Can't you ask Ashton?" He asked.

"I'd ask Ashton, but he rode with me. Odalis is here, but she looks busy and I don't want to annoy her."

Calum silently cursed and rubbed the top of his nose. "I'll be there in a bit."

"Thank you! I'll go make Ashton buy you coffee and breakfast. They make the best bagel sandwiches ever."

Calum bid her goodbye and threw himself on the bed. Duke jumped on the bed and nudged him.

"I know mate," he sighed. He pulled Duke and scratched behind his ears. "Today's gonna be a shit show."

In less than ten minutes he pulled up to Delicias and parked next to Crystal's car. She already had her car ready for Calum. 

"Thank you so much." She said after a few minutes. She tested her car and instantly it roared to life. "Oh look, there's Ashton."

Calum looked up and made a face as Odalis and Mina were with him. Odalis was already looking at him when he met her eyes. She quickly averted her gaze and nodded to whatever her daughter was saying. 

He still couldn't wrap it around his head that Odalis was Mina's mom. But it made sense, personality wise, and everything Mina told him about her made sense too. Which was why seeing her small cutout on Mina's family tree project was adding salt to his wound. 

When he woke up the following morning, he was surprised to find her side empty. He knew their encounter was a one time thing, but he was hoping it would have ended later, after a quick round and breakfast. That day he holed up in his room. His friend Luke had come by around noon to drop Duke off. Calum told him what happened the night before only for Luke to call him a dumbass. 

Calum ended up sleeping the rest of the day and was unprepared for the following day when Mina proudly presented her project. Of all people he was not expecting Odalis to be on there, not to mention his neighbor from a few doors down was also on the poster. Not only did he sleep with his student’s parents, but his neighbor's daughter. Mina just had to put Odalis' father on her poster as well.

"Hi, Mr. Hood!" Mina greeted him when they approached him and Crystal. Calum waved to her.  She not so subtly pushed Odalis to the front. "This is my mom, Odalis." 

"I didn't get a chance to introduce myself the other day at the meeting. I’m Mr. Hood." He told Odalis with his hand stretched out. “Nelly right?”

"It's Odalis actually." She corrected him. 

"Oh sorry, you look like someone I met before with that name." He apologized sarcastically. She gave him a sardonic smile before rolling her eyes.

"I have to go back to work." She told Ashton, ignoring Calum's last comment. She leaned in and gave Ashton a side hug and waved to Crystal. She tucked her hair back. "Mina, let’s go back inside and wait for grandpa."

“You’re not going to the museum?” Crystal asked her. 

“No,” Odalis shook her head, she quickly glanced at Ashton. “I got a last minute order from an annoying customer.”

After Odalis and Mina drove off, Ashton smacked Calum upside his head. 

"You two fucked!" Ashton yelled at him.

"Wha-what are you talking about?" He stammered, rubbing where Ashton hit him.

"I've known Odalis for almost six years. You think I don't know about ‘Nelly’? I was the one that called the cops when the creep showed up here, and I later suggested that she go by a fake name."

"Ash—"

"Don't Ash me. She's like my little sister. I can't believe you fucked my little sister!"

"I didn't fucking know!"

"Ash, fucking calm down." Crystal said calmly. "Here have some tea and go wait in the car."

"Fine, but at the museum I'm paired up with you and not him." Ashton slammed the car door shut, emphasizing his anger toward Calum. Though once inside he happily sipped his prickly pear and hibiscus iced tea. 

***

Calum hadn’t heard from Ashton in two days, which was long for Ashton. So he was surprised to hear from him when he got a text from him on Valentine’s Day morning, that he better show up for Crystal’s surprise birthday party later in the evening. He planned on responding that her party was about two months late, but he didn’t want to risk getting uninvited. 

He slipped his leather jacket over his hoodie and was on his way out. In less than fifteen minutes he pulled up to Ashton’s condo. He was locking his car when a bright red blur hurried past him. 

It was Odalis.

His eyes followed her as she stalked a few boxes with her bakery’s logo on top of a hand truck. She wore a short scarlet red satin dress with a bright red turtleneck sweater. She looked beautiful, plain and simple. 

Calum was going to approach, but hid behind his car when someone walked up to her. He couldn’t see who it was, but from her laugh, he hated him. He grabbed Crystal’s present, a charcuterie set he ordered from Crate and Barrel. He slipped inside and made his way to Ashton’s yard. Grabbing a beer from the cooler behind the makeshift bar, he made his way to greet Crystal. 

“Happy belated birthday, love.” He said, pulling her to hug. 

“Thanks Cal!” She squealed. It was obvious she had a little bit too much to drink. She looked down at the wrapped box. “Is that for me? You got me a present?”

“Of course it’s your birthday party.” He smiled. 

“You’re like the best co-worker, Cal.” She gave him another hug before taking the present and went to her friends. They all cheered as she showed off the box. 

Calum finished off his beer and went over to Michael and his fiance, Hunter. He pulled Michael into a hug and gave Hunter a side hug. He didn’t miss a beat and congratulated them on their engagement. He told Hunter about how nervous Michael was a few weeks ago when he got the guys together to tell them about how he planned to propose. The trio chatted for a while. Ashton eventually joined them. The only person missing was Luke.

“Luke is absolutely smitten. He hasn’t left her side.” Hunter said, sipping some of her piña colada seltzer.

Calum turned back to where she was looking and found Luke talking to Odalis. He frowned seeing her smiling at Luke. Part of him wanted to go up to them, but he couldn't. Ashton would have his head for ruining Crystal's part and serve it in the charcuterie board he got Crystal.

"I'm gonna go get food." He told them. 

"I moved all the food inside and just left the desserts buffet." Ashton told him. 

Calum nodded and went into the kitchen. He grabbed a plate and served himself. He read through some emails from the PTA moms about the upcoming bake sale while he ate.

He went to the bathroom in Ashton's guest room. He heard the bedroom door close as he peed. A hushed voice filled the whole room. After finishing his business he waited a few more minutes until they hung up. He quickly flushed the toilet and washed his hands. His eyes met Odalis' when he exited the bathroom. 

"Following me around I see." she said. 

"I was taking a piss when you got inside. Maybe check if the room's being occupied before coming in, Nelly." He said, leaning against the door.

"It's Odalis." She corrected him.

"Could've fooled me— actually you did." he sarcastically laughed. 

Odalis was quiet. After finding out he was Mina's teacher, she forced her dad to take her place as chaperone. She didn't know how to feel. Part of her wants the earth to swallow her whole, but the part of her feels relieved to see him. She missed him for some odd reason. There was something about him that attracted her to him. 

"You okay?" Calum asked her. He waved his hand in front of her face when he noticed her zone out. 

She blinked a few times and then met his gaze. Her eyes dropped to his lips. She longed to have his mouth on her. She spent nights just getting off at the thought of his kisses. How he kissed with so much determination, how he'd smiled on her lips when she moaned as he fucked her senseless.

Odalis got on her tippy toes and leaned in. It took Calum a second to kiss her back, he surprised that he was kissing her once more. Without breaking their kiss, he grabbed the back of her thighs and picked her up. Pushing her against the door, he locked it. 

She pulled away and  slipped off her sweater. Odalis pushed his jacket off him and helped him out of his hoodie and shirt. She slid her hands over his chest and up to his face. She couldn't believe he was in front of her. 

Their kisses led them to the bed. The last few layers of clothes shed as they got reacquainted with their bodies. 

"Can I have a taste?" Calum whispered in her ear. Odalis looked up at him with an unreadable expression. "I don't have to, of course. Whatever we do is up to you. If you just want to make out then we'll just make out. But if you want to have sex, fine by me. I want you to know that you're not obligated to do anything. We can stop and just act like—"

"Just be gentle." She said, stopping him from rambling.

"Wait, seriously?" His face lit up. 

"Yes." she softly giggled. 

Odalis wrapped her arms around him as she deepened the kiss. She let out a soft groan when Calum pulled away from her lips. She watched him kiss her body as he made his way down. 

He looked up at her when he reached her dripping core. 

"Ready?" he asked. 

Odalis nodded her response, partly speechless that he was actually going to go down on her. 

"Use your words, sweetheart." 

"Yes." 

Calum nodded and opened her legs to him. He kissed up her thigh, gently nipping her and repeated with her other leg. He smirked to himself, hearing how restless Odalis got. 

She let out an inaudible gasp of pleasure when Calum licked her. She tried closing her legs, but Calum's grip on them kept her in place. He moaned at her taste and savored her, taking his time with his tongue. He pushed one of her legs to her chest, giving him better access to her. 

"I'm gonna insert a finger in you, okay?" He asked. 

"Yes, that's okay." She panted. 

Calum continued to eat her out for what seemed an eternity, but Odalis wasn't complaining. He inserted another while he pressed his thumb on her clit. Odalis felt something build up in her. She felt pleasantly overwhelmed with Calum's fingers and tongue. Calum felt it too. He sped up his fingers and circled his thumb on her clit roughly. 

"Calum!" She moaned out, not caring who heard her. Calum lapped up her release. He dropped her legs down and laid next to her.

Odalis didn't wait another second. She pulled him back on top of her and kissed him. They continued to kiss, teasing touches here and there, but nothing too intense for either of them. That is until Odalis thrusted her hips to meet his hips. They rolled around shuffling to get a condom from the drawer in the nightstand. 

"Please, Cal, I want you so bad," she whined. He bit back a sarcastic remark and just gave her what she wanted. She gasped loudly as he slid into her without a warning. 

Calum buried his face in her neck. With a few slow and deep thrusts he began to take her  at that slow and deep pace. Her fingers clawed at his shoulders and back. His head was buried in her neck, praising her with sweet nothings.

“Cal, fuck,” she panted, gripping his biceps as she met his thrusts. 

He pulled his hips back, pulling almost all the way out of her. He slammed into her without a warning and slowly retracted his cock once again. He continued to take her like that until she was a moaning mess. Calum slowly circled his thumb over her clit, nearing her to her climax. She clenched around him, his name was at the tip of her tongue. All she needed were a few thrusts. But then she felt empty. She opened her eyes and saw Calum getting up from the bed. 

"You owe me a date, sweetheart."

Taglist: @another-lonely-heart ​​​ @sunshinebabycal ​​​   @calumscalm ​ ​@karajaynetoday ​​ @cherryxwildflower ​​​ @myloverboyash ​​​  @idontneedanyone ​​​ @findingliam-o ​​​ @5-secondsofcolor ​​​ @spicylftv ​​​ @sexgodashton @2fangirl4u @fckingpernico ​ @calpops ​

Special guests: @be-ready-when-i-say-go and @kindahoping4forever bc I named Michael and Ashton's significant others after them

[cinnamonsikwate]

jjk 149 salt post

hate the implication that mai was holding maki back, that she's more useful to her twin dead than alive, that her existence as an individual was basically useless!

the reference to equivalent exchange had me rolling my eyes bc - as my sib pointed out after i explained last night's chapter to them - in fma, ed & al were able to circumvent it; the usual formula would have ed giving up his life for al's, but ed, having experienced the pain & grief of being alone, refuses to let al go through the same. it's always "we'll get our bodies back," never just one or the other. for ed, death is the equivalent of giving up, & that is simply not an option. (not even god could stop him lmao!)

148 makes it clear that maki's goal of becoming zenin clan head has everything to do with mai. basically maki left - maki hurt - mai to protect her, but it was gonna be okay bc she was always going to come back. and that was a trajectory i was interested in seeing play out - would maki's return immediately earn mai's forgiveness? or would there be a more drawn-out confrontation to reopen old wounds (i.e., mai's abandonment issues, maki's low sense of self-worth)? guess we'll never know now lol!!!

anyway my point: for the twins' arc to end like this feels incredibly unsatisfying. for all that the other characters are about dismantling/revolutionizing the system, this just had to be the one instance where they couldn't go against higher powers. maki's goal has now changed from simply becoming head to destroying the three-clan system - which is good, but couldn't this have been something they could have accomplished together as a much more compelling fuck-you to jujutsu society??

why couldn't the twins' arc have been to find a way to circumvent the "law" that neither one of them could reach their full potential while the other is still alive? is that too main character-y??? if so then i wish they'd been the main characters instead lol???

and one more thing - i hate that this happened at a point where a lot of ppl still don't like mai. i've yet to see any particularly bad takes but i know somewhere out there some mf is thinking "good riddance!" and they would be WRONG!

[deliciousanarchist]

Don't talk foody to me!

About diet talk and body positivity

This text started as an attempt to write about why I don’t like people commenting on (my) food when eating in public. While writing I realised I had to share more of my personal life and where I’m coming from, so it is more understandable why I’m having such a hard time with diet talk. In the end, this became a blog about diets, intuitive eating, self-care, and about respecting our own bodies and the bodies of others.

Society is pretty hung up on perfect bodies and, thus, food – those two seem to hang closely together. “We are what we eat”, right? Sounds legit. Or does it rather cut something very complex down to a simplifying and, well, blatantly incorrect sentence?

First of all, what we eat depends on so many things – like on the place we grow up, in what country we are born, and in what social part or class of society we were raised in. Also, when we look closely, stuff like what gender we are assigned with could be seen to make us choose different food. A lot of people believe that a “real man” needs to eat meat, or that women should generally eat less than men do. So “you are what you eat” strongly ignores social inequalities and, even worse, it judges you on things you did not decide by yourself.

It also sounds like a religion or a fatal cult. By this logic we are the sum of the food we eat. If we do “good” we get rewarded, if we do “bad” we will be punished. And if we get sick and some doctor tracks that back to our lifestyle (like to what we eat), then we supposedly brought it all on ourselves because we should have known better. We knew the rules of “health”, right? So if we have a heart attack, it’s because we ate too much fatty food. If we get diabetes, we ate too much sugar or simple carbohydrates. If we get an auto-immune disease, we exposed ourselves to too much to the “wrong” food like gluten, milk, or red meat. In all cases we definitely omitted to exercise enough, too, I’m sure.

And in the final consequence, if we brought our ‘unhealthy’ bodies on ourselves, then why should anyone, doctor or health insurance, help us and treat our disease? We made our bed, now we must lie in it, right?

A new diet theory every year

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that our food and lifestyle does not have any impact on the condition of our bodies, but I’m sure that we get the cause wrong most of the time. The human body is so complex. Who are we do think that we figured it all out? Watching some new food being demonized every other year should have proven this to us by now, shouldn’t it?

We are exposed to so much information about diets and nutrition in the course of our lives: Don’t eat wheat. Oh wait, but you can eat older wheat like dinkle. Drinking milk will kill you. But milk is so healthy, because calcium, you should drink milk every day. Butter is better than margarine. No, margarine is better. Or are both equally bad for you but for different reasons? Fat is bad for you no matter what. No wait, some fats are actually good and we need them for our body to process other food groups. Vegetables are always good for you. Unless it’s corn. And watch out for canned foods because of all the salt and sugar in it, but frozen vegetables are fresh and untreated. Fruits are healthy. In general we should eat vegetables and fruits 5 times a day. Oh no wait, fruit has sugar in it, so it’s not good after all. But oh, vitamins. That’s a twist, I guess. Red meat is bad, white meat is good. Or is meat always bad and should we replace it with fish? Let’s all go vegan to save the planet! (At this point I’m not going into the debate on if we Middle/Northern Europeans should or shouldn’t eat stuff like avocados or quinoa, and how fish is tricky anyway because of overfishing. Food production in capitalism in general, oh my.)

If you speak/read German, I highly recommend the book “Fa(t)shionista” by Magda Albrecht from 2018. She shares a lot of personal stories about the relationship to her body but also scientific info like the history of BMI or where the diseases (and “diseases”) of modern society more likely come from. Did you know that the BMI was never meant for categorizing individuals? And that in 1997 the WHO just set a new BMI for ‘obesety’ which made millions of people become overweight overnight? Also Magda writes: “[A]uch bei Bluthochdruck, Blutzucker oder dem Cholesterinspiegel [hat] die Lobbyarbeit der Pharmaindustrie dafür gesorgt [...], dass Grenzwerte so lange gesenkt wurden, bis die Mehrzahl der Bevölkerung in mindestens eine der zahlreichen Risikofaktoren fielen: Alles für die Gesundheit, natürlich! Oder vielleicht auch nur für die Geldbeutel großer Unternehmen?” (p. 157 // in english: “It’s the same with blood pressure, blood sugar or cholesterol. The drug industry kept declining the setpoint values for those too, so now most of our society suffers from at least one of those risk factors. All for the sake of health, of course! Or is it for the sake of the wallets of large companies?”)

Life is all about diversity

When I was 17 I stopped eating meat, and I was  immediately told from a lot of different people whose opinions I never asked for that becoming a vegetarian is really unhealthy. (Of course now, in 2019, that viewpoint has shifted from vegetarians to vegans, so…)

Whenever my iron was low my doctors told me it was probably from being a vegetarian. Or from having my period. Or if they had been honest with me and themselves – they had no idea. Sometimes blood levels change, and who is to say that everybody has the same range of components in their blood? For example, my leukocytes are so low all the time that I would constantly be sick from colds and other infections. Surprisingly, I hardly ever have those. I do have other issues though. We’re all different, and our bodies react differently to medications, food, and different lifestyles. It’s a little like hormones. If you use hormone levels to prove that there are only two genders you won’t get very far. Like using blood components to divide people into healthy and unhealthy. Let’s give biology some credit and see how diverse we are on so many levels, shall we?

All my life I have been interested in food theories and diets. At some point in my life I even wanted to become a nutritionist, but then got scared of chemistry and all the science behind it. But I also had a dark interest in diets, too. Being a teenager I had a phase of body hate that resulted in an eating disorder that resulted in drastically cutting down my food until I lost more and more weight. I soon looked very thin and according to a lot of people in my life, “really great”. The doctors who had suggested I “lose a few pounds” were happy too. Myself? I felt like crap. And even after all that weight loss, I didn’t even see my body as thin, so disconnected was I to body image and the reality of it. Looking back on those pictures today, I feel fear – I can’t even recognise myself in them, I look so gaunt.

Good bye, diet mentality

However, I learned something from that experience: Being thin doesn’t automatically make me happy. And realizing that back then I felt betrayed by science. It should have worked, right? Lose weight, feel great!? I guess not.

I wish I could say that this made me come to peace with my body for good, but it didn’t. Later in life I still tried to change my body and/or weight by regulating my diet and using sports, very often against the will of my body. Yet I was never one of the people who did an official diet, I never used concepts like the “Ornish Diet”, “The Grapefruit Diet” or the new “Brigittte Diät”. But at some point in life I realized I became an “unconscious dieter”. This is a term I found a few years ago in a book called “Intuitive Eating” (Tribole/Resch 1995/2012: 9) and resonated. For example, at times I felt like I should cut back on chocolate or processed food only because I felt like I should strive for a more healthy lifestyle and a healthier body (whatever that’s supposed to be). I never would have called this “being on a diet”, but in fact I was: I acted on internalised food rules, was not listening to my body, and was very judgemental about my eating behaviour (in the privacy of my thoughts) while dividing food into good and bad.

Every time I changed the food on my table I got disappointed again to find that my body did not react the way I expected it to. For weeks I rationalised my chocolate consumption, but it only lead to me being unsatisfied because I wanted more chocolate or I wanted it at a time I wouldn’t allow myself. Sometimes I did not want it at all when scheduled but ate it anyway because I felt like I should not let the opportunity for chocolate pass me by.

Giving your body what it doesn’t want and withholding your body from what it needs can’t ever be healthy. In other words, quoting Tribole/Resch: “A dieting body is a starving body” (Tribole/Resch 1995/2012: 59).

Listen to your heart... or your body in general

Later in life I stopped consuming cow’s milk and everything that is made from it on the advice of various therapies. It’s common if you have an immune-disease like I have, to look for clues in your diet, too. Meanwhile I started avoiding eggs and coconut milk, because they didn’t leave me feeling well. But, occasionally, I get the feeling I want to eat them and, when I listen to my body, that impulse is right and I don’t feel sick afterwards. Body intuition for the win.

Realising that I actually have a good sense of what food is good for me and what isn’t, the whole diet problem began to make more sense. I was trying to press my food schedule into the desires or the nutrition that other people came up with. This would never have worked. Actually, I think we all have that sense of what is good for us, but it’s covered with all the public opinions on diets and the “perfect” body.

When I really allow myself to listen to my body, most of the time I can feel what it needs and what it doesn’t. Nothing is off limits.

If only it was that easy. Because by listening to my body, I have to ward of constant urges society has given me to divide my food into “good food” and “bad food”. I have to push aside the illusion that a thin body would make me happy. I have to push aside all the body shaming I have internalised. The thought that our body is something to be hated or be feared and that it has to be punished if we are too weak to stay on our fancy paleo or whatever diet.

In the end, it’s all about self-respect, body-positivity, and about acknowledging that our body is not a machine. Our body is a complex system and no one else but us can say what it needs.

You eat tomatoes, I want potatoes

Listening to my body is getting me different results every day. Some essential things stay kind of the same though. Like, my body has almost zero problems with carbohydrates, and I love eating potatoes in any form imaginable. Gluten and yeast are fine with me, bread making an appearance in my meals every day.  Occasionally I like things made of soy/tofu, but they’re not my go to protein. I love legumes and vegetables of all kinds, but I only like to eat (raw) fruits on rare occasions. Green salad and raw food in general is tricky, and mostly repulsive. Yet from time to time I crave a green salad with a simple vinegar-honey dressing. Especially in public spaces, vegan food works best for me because then I can be sure there is no meat and no cow milk in there. Also I just love vegan food.

But that’s just how my body works right now. I believe for everybody there’s different food that works best. Let’s not act like there is one diet that works on all of us. Also our body and the food we need changes over time. And I guess in theory we all know that, but our routines are still hard to change.

The other day I read a tagline online saying, “Being obsessed with health doesn’t make you healthy. It only makes you obsessed”. And had to take a minute at the truth behind it. Especially as we can’t say what makes us healthy anyway. But we can say if something makes us feel good or not. Eating according to my intuition is the thing that has made most sense to me up to now, compared to all other diets and nutrition theories. Being happy while eating and the simple feeling that my body is having a good time is more important than eating what society thinks is right.

My struggle with intuition

I have to admit there is still one thing I have not figured out yet, and it’s something that’s overshadowed by my eating disorder from my teenage years that sometimes catches up with me: How many meals a day work best with me? So far I think it’s not three big meals, but more meals of different sizes. And eating at what time of the day works best for me? I try to listen to my body and eat when it feels right. Whereas, I can get a good feeling what I want to eat, I’m not that good in knowing when to eat. And having experienced an eating disorder, I know I can very well suppress the feeling of hunger, sometimes unconsciously. I have a lot of awful strategies to trick my body. There is a part of me that likes to punish my body by keeping it from eating. So this is really tricky and I’m still working on it.

And of course there is a major problem for all of us: our other-directed daily routines. Eating intuitively would work way better if only we could decide what and when to eat everyday. But with having to work to make money to pay for rent and – oh right, food (ha) and everything else, a lot of my meals are not all decided by myself. I can’t arrive to work at any given time, so I often have breakfast earlier than I’d like to. Then my day is filled with projects and meetings and private dates, so I have to plan my meals around them.

Not only that, too much stress makes it hard for me to hear what my body needs. I love chocolate (in case I haven’t mentioned this before ;)), but when I am too stressed out by work I eat chocolate for stress release. This is not bad in general. But after a while of this happening again and again I don’t even enjoy eating the chocolate. So next time I want to eat chocolate, instead I try questioning that decision and try to listen to my body: Is this really what would make me feel good now? And sometimes it is and I eat chocolate. Sometimes it’s not, and then I try to figure out what I want instead and what would really make me feel better. I do like things such as sugar, beer, and even smoking a cigarette from time to time. But I do not like it when I stop enjoying these things and only use them because I am stressed or sad or angry. Sure, I sometimes have a beer after a shitty day and that’s okay, but I would hate to make a habit out of that. Both the shitty days and the beers.

So I guess my theories don’t always work perfectly yet. It’s a work in progress.

Relearning the rules

In the last couple of years I had to relearn a lot of opinions and reflexes I was taught about eating when being young. And I’m still (un)learning, like: There is no good food/bad food. I don’t have to finish my plate if I am not hungry anymore. It’s okay to eat something else instead too. I don’t have to eat lots of fruits and vegetables every day if the thought of eating it makes me sick. I don’t have to stick to a fix count of meals a day. I don’t have to eat the same amount of food every day. And so on.

One more thing I try to learn is not to explain why I eat or won’t eat something right now. I used to say stuff like “I’m not hungry”, “I already ate so much today” or “Nothing for me, I had a late breakfast” or “It’s too late in the evening for me to be eating now” or thinking “I already had fries for lunch, I can’t have fries for dinner again”. Nope. No explanations, no regrets, no diet talk, no body shaming anymore. Three carbs-only-meals in a row because it feels right? I’ll do it. Eating dinner at 11pm because my body longs for food right now? Sure. If I’m not ravenous, but still feel my body would love something to eat? I’m having it.

Sharing’s not always caring

Something I don’t enjoy a lot for many different reasons is eating in public. I’m easily stressed by social situations in general but especially when it comes to sharing a meal, so I don’t often eat together with other people.

The other reason for that is that I hate it when people comment on my food. Or the food of others. Or their own food. And I don’t mean comments like “Wow, that looks so good!” or “I think I will order that myself”, I would love those comments. No, the comments I hear and hate a lot are comments that appear harmless, but really mess with my head. Like when I order and the person next to me says “Wow that’s quite a big portion!” or “Oooh, that looks like pure sugar” or “That would be impossible for me to eat.”

It’s tricky even if people make that comments about their own food. When someone eats half of the food on their plate and then says, “This was so much, now I’m going to be full for the rest of the day.” How will that make the person feel that sits next to them that ate all the food on the plate and is still hungry? Especially when that person commenting is thinner than the other one? 

Sorry, but in a world that condemns sugar (or even all carbs) and divides good and bad food and wants us to eat less food in general, those comments can’t ever be neutral observations or harmless notes.

Keeping your diet talk to yourself

“I get through the day easily without eating much at all.” “Eating a lot of fast food makes me feel toxic.” “Gluten is pure poison for my body.” “Since I’m doing [insert new diet] I feel like a human again.” “I can’t eat anything right now, I had a generous lunch.” “I could never function when eating toast with Nutella for breakfast.” “I’ll burn off the calories in the gym later.” “Alright, today is my ‘cheat day’.”

All of these comments are steeped in society's expectations.

I totally get that these are things people say about themselves in that moment, and if I’d only see them as self-revelation it guess it would be fine in a way. But that’s not how communication works, especially not with topics that are so morally pre-shaped like diets, food, and bodies. On good days, I can brush these words off, but on bad days I fall into despair: Why don’t I want to eat salad more? Why do I have to like chocolate so much? Maybe gluten is poison for me too, but I just don’t know it yet? My lunch was also generous, but I’m hungry again. What’s wrong with me? Why didn’t I get through today without much food? (This is an especially hard sentence for me as it cuts right into my eating disorder whispering that I could too, and all I have to do is… yeah, let’s not go there.)

Sometimes I wish I could just share meals without anyone making comments on the food beyond if they like it or not – their eating habits, and their or my body, all disguised as small talk. I think we should all be more careful how we talk about food because it’s a minefield full of stereotypes, preoccupations, shame, and it mostly comes with our personal past full of hurtful experiences with diet talk. So let’s think about how what we say can make other people feel like, and maybe let’s remember that most of us carry trauma from the topics of diet and food in one or another way.

~Sam Chills, 2019

[noddytheornithopod]

rant about [phinabella], like you don't always do that anyway

Wow, you definitely know what I’m like then. :V

I don’t know if I’ve said this publicly before but here it goes: I’d argue that Night of the Living Pharmacists was the perfect place to resolve the Phinabella subplot. As mentioned before I’m fine with how things are handled there since the show always goes status quo is god on us, however there’s an extra thing to take into account: the show was ending soon, and they most definitely knew Act Your Age was going to be a thing by then (IIRC they wrote the specials last).

I guess if anything, they were just trying to rub salt into the wound that was AYA to make said wound sting more. However, as I assume we all know AYA is probably the most divisive episode out of the entire series, with many people being unsatisfied if not outright frustrated at the direction it took the characters in. I guess the thing is, I feel like they overcomplicated something that didn’t need to? Isabella and Phineas’ interactions were simply meant to be a source of humour while also adding some sweetness to things, they never actually needed to get together (part of me wonders if the popularity of the pairing pressured the writers into getting them together in the first place).

Anyway, back to Pharmacists. I think if they decided to simply just not do Act Your Age there would’ve been a perfect place to resolve the Phinabella subplot. The best thing is, you don’t even need to change anything until the end. Everything works perfectly for such a thing - Isabella finally getting herself to confess her feelings with the patch motivating her, a huge apocalyptic event that makes everything really tense, Phineas screwing up and leaving her behind and then freaking out over her more than he ever has (which I especially find notable since I feel like he just as easily could’ve worried about other loved ones like Candace or Perry, even if his guilt is probably a major factor there), and of course that damn confession scene.

Really, all that I say you’d do is have no convenient mind-wipe at the end. I mean, if cut scenes are to be believed they really were trying to have Phineas reciprocate to a degree, and you can even kinda see remnants of that in his lines before he’s infected. I guess the thing is, I’d argue they don’t even need to get together even if they both are aware of how they feel (especially if they’re worried about them being too young to get together). I kind of imagine something similar to Steven and Connie in Steven Universe, something where it’s obvious they like each other more than friends but they also aren’t doing the proper romance thing. In other words, keeping it innocent (which I feel was the appeal of them in the first place, but then AYA came and got rid of said innocence for angst :V).

So… yeah. If I were writing them, I would’ve had their feelings known and out there, but they don’t really need to do much besides acknowledge them and if they’re comfortable become closer as friends with it. Heck, them not being a couple despite this could’ve made for an interesting dynamic if they still had room. I’m rambling at this point, I don’t even know what I’m saying. :V