#which then resulted in MORE 9 hour days bc i have no sick time after Mon

[rainbadinosaur]

We are NOT doing well tonight fam 💃🏼 Crying in the club? Nah, we got a fucking monsoon up in this bitch

Reasons in tags, but it's long so buckle up chucklefucks 😎

[cakesexuality]

Lupron update at 3.5 months

I don't think my illness that I've been experiencing recently is connected to Lupron -- I've been flaring again for the last couple weeks and October 17 is still my most recent dose, so on one hand, at least I know I'm probably not allergic to Lupron, but on the other hand, now I have no idea why I've felt sick so often for the last several months

The online booking system for the over-the-phone walk-in clinic I like to use seems to be borked for now, and there were no available upcoming appointments at my primary care clinic, so I had to use an after-hours, on-call provider from my primary care who told me that I'm doing everything right to treat my current flare, to give Aerius a good try (since Claritin and Reactine stopped working, Benadryl and Allegra aren't options for me, and most antihistamines aren't covered by my drug insurance, even if they're prescription-only), to call back in a few days to let them know how I'm doing, and that they might prescribe prednisone as a last resort if I don't get any better (but I do seem to be getting better!! I think Aerius is working)

I'm booked to get my next dose on January 9 so I left a voicemail with my pharmacy last night to get a refill on both Lupron and Seroquel, but they won't get the message until tomorrow morning, and it's probably gonna be another 12-week kit, which would bring me to 7 months on Lupron

I told my ophthalmologist's office that my eye issues could be connected with my reproductive issues, and I asked if there's a consent form I could fill out for them to talk directly to my gynecologist instead of my GP being a middleman, but they said it should be fine for them to contact her office directly, and the receptionist seemed interested in the idea that my maybe-endo could be affecting my vision

I don't know how useful it would be for my gynecologist to collaborate with my other specialists bc at my last injection, I asked if this could be related to my immune issues, and all she could really answer with was "It's definitely a possibility but I can't say for sure in your specific case" which I totally get, but this time I might be like "Hey, the last allergist I saw wasn't interested in helping and insinuated that this was a problem to take to a psychiatrist, and it will be a while until I see another allergist, so if you're comfortable with it, I'd like you to help me explore this"

I need to try contacting my gynecologist again bc I never heard back about whether she thought Lupron could be making me sick, and I also have not heard from her about Norlutate since my last shot, when she said we were denied by the Exceptional Access Program (after already being denied by the Ontario Drug Benefit) so she would ask the manufacturer if they would cover the cost of my add-back, and if the manufacturer doesn't cover it then we may have to go for a different treatment plan

The closer I get to my next injection date, the more I feel like her next step might be a laparoscopy to confirm if I actually do have endometriosis in the first place or if I have something that isn't endo (or isn't PCOS, which we already know I don't have) to make sure we're even going down the correct path, and idk if I'm emotionally/psychologically able to have surgery right now

I don't remember if I've publicly said this on Tumblr before, but I downloaded my raw data from a consumer-grade DNA test I took (my mom wanted me to do it bc it helps her family tree results and we both knew there's a backdoor way to find genetic health stuff with these tests) and so far, I've found 3 different bits in my data that suggest I have a higher risk of developing endo, so that combined with my labs, my imaging, my symptoms, and how I've been responding to treatment all mean that I wouldn't be surprised if surgery did reveal endo in my body

My last Depo-Provera shot was in August and I was getting it every 8 weeks, meaning I was due for it in early October, and I still have not had the widespread joint pain that I was getting that required me to get the shot every 8 weeks instead of the standard 12 weeks... so now I think it was less of a withdrawal from medroxyprogesterone and more of an effect of my estrogen levels going up as my progesterone levels went down

At my next injection, I might ask my gynecologist if she could order some blood work, bc I'm curious to see how my estradiol and testosterone are doing since we last checked them, which was over a year ago (when my testosterone was normal and my estradiol was... questionable), and also my eyebrows are getting patchy again and my TSH was above normal when that happened previously

My results with hypoallergenic skincare have plateaued, so my biggest pimples are still gone and the skin over my pimples is still no longer itchy or peeling, but also I'm still getting small pimples and my skin is still dry (not as dry as before, though). I'm still sticking with it for now, and I've been taking the doxycycline pills the last few days to see how that goes, which my GP said might give me results within a month and she told me that I don't have to take the full 12-week course if I'm happy with how I look at, say, 4 weeks.

I've started doing patch tests again after my skin finally recovered from being bandaged repeatedly and I got some redness and itching from the antiperspirant that I was using just fine for years until it started causing me problems (and for reference, I had to try out several antiperspirants before settling on this one bc all the ones before it also made me itchy), so now I'm trying out natural/aluminum-free deodorants and seeing how I like them... I've tried a natural deodorant in the past, but it was a compressed powder so it didn't stay put on my skin. I've tried out two natural deodorants this time around, the first one (Schmidt's in Bergamot and Lime) smelled good and didn't make me react but the component scratched me every time I applied it, so now I'm trying a second one (Tom's of Maine in Wild Lavender) that hasn't bothered my skin so far and comes in a perfectly fine component.

I got a letter in the mail the other day from the immunology clinic my GP referred me to, and it says the typical wait for an initial appointment is 10 to 12 months (which I know is a long wait regardless but it doesn't feel big in comparison to my 20-to-24-month wait for the EDS clinic lmao)

[sunnyxnala]

Woah! It's been a while :0

life has been saur busy BUT! let's pick up where i left off :D here are all my daily entries since 10/27 to 11/16

Thursday, 10/27/22

9:00am - i woke up and finished up my studying for my eebio100 midterm, which was at 12:30pm. i told my prof about my covid scare situation but he said to come in person to take the test anyways and i was like :D sir... and then he was like yea either that or u can sit with me for 2 hours for an oral exam... yeah no so i finished up my studying, printed out my cheat sheet, and hauled my butt to rolfe

12:30pm - i took my midterm! honestly not too bad (well, i thought i did terrible in the moment but after getting my mc score back it was all okay :D) it was a lil tricky though bc they had scientific names of animals and species even though they said not to worry about it T_T lied straight to my face man. still waiting on my free responses to me graded

1:45pm - i got out of my midterm and headed back to the dorm. i had some more work to do so i was working in my dorm for a while. i think i got food at a food truck, but i dont remember which one.

4pm - i texted pauline that i was feeling a bit drowsy and sick, because we had planned to meet up and hangout for a bit. she told me not to worry about it and to rest, but i was determined to meet w her via zoom or call at least! i told her i would take a nap and see if i felt better when i woke up

5:45pm - i woke up from my nap with a slight headache, a fever, and was feeling very sluggish. i was so exhausted. i texted pauline that i wasnt feeling well and she completely understood, in fact was happy that i wasnt gonna push myself to meet with her. i appreciate her sm ;-; we decided to reschedule for a different time, and i went back to sleep before my meeting

7pm - i had a meeting that i attended virtually. after the meeting, my vision started looking like a kaleidoscope, it was so trippy. turns out i had a ocular migraine or something like that.

9pm - i think i got the tomato basil soup from bcafe for dinner this day, and it was pretty bad. never getting it again. i think i did work for the rest of the night before calling it a day and heading to sleep.

Friday, 10/28/22

okay in all honestly i dont remember this day too well other than the fact that it was PAINFUL i was dying my head was hurting so much and i ended up having migraines this day. i was feeling super sick, my temp kept fluctuating and i didnt wanna move. i dont remember what i ate other than clam chowder, bc i had to ask my friend cristian to deliver it for me (which he immediately did, he is so sweet i appreciate him a lot :( ). i also remember he got me a ton of honey and pepper and tea, it was pretty funny. i think i just slept a lot this day. i also got my pcr test results back on this day and i was negative! but still dying though and i had no idea what was happening (i would later find out i had sinus infection)

Saturday, 10/29/22

i slept until 11am, i think. i had an event at 2pm that i felt good enough to head out to. still a little bit groggy and my head hurt a little bit, but it wasn't unbearable. i met up with a few friends at de neve turnaround before heading out to chick-fil-a. i got the chicken nuggets there, the chick-fil-a sauce goes so hard. fun fact, when i was younger my god family in menifee used to have me dress up like a cow for every summer i came to visit them bc there's a certain day where you get free food at chick-fil-a if you dress like a cow LOL

i went to ralphs w claire and jshyu after to help jshyu transport pumpkins and supplies to our little sleepover event at a friend's apartment

when we arrived, we started our event! we played a lot of games like we're not really strangers, sang karaoke, cooked, carved pumpkins, and more. we ate spaghetti for dinner! it was a pretty good night until i came down with a splitting migraine and had to sleep.

i dont remember exactly what happened, but i do remember coming out of the room asking dylan for help bc i fr thought i was dying. almost asked him to call 911 ngl. but he immediately helped me out and gave me thermaflu (which almost made me throw up). more friends wrapped me up in a blanket and put a cold towel on my head and i ended up sleeping throughout the night. more friends came to take care of me, but i dont recall who. i just know bc they told me that they did after i was feeling better. i appreciate them <3

Sunday, 10/30/22

i was feeling a lot better when i woke up. i ate a bagel with cream cheese, caught up with some friends on what they did throughout the night, and was just socializing. we ended up carving pumpkins and that was super fun! jshyu and i made our pumpkin look like mike wasowski and he even had cute little pumpkin horns that stuck out of the pumpkin. i went with annie and jshyu to target to grab cleaning supplies to help clean up annie's apartment, and then she drove me back home. i was still feeling super exhausted so i think i slept for a bit longer as soon as i came back to my dorm.

when i woke up, i was feeling a lot better. i washed up, met up with some friends for dinner, and did work for the rest of the night. i ate the chicken sandwich + elote from the flamin hot chicken truck for the first time and it's so GAS can't believe ive been hating on this for the longest time when it's actually so good

Monday, 10/31/22

happy halloweenie!

was supposed to have festivities like carve pumpkin and have horror night but boybae felt too sick later in the night

ate chicken curry from 8e8 and watched coraline instead

had a mini photoshoot w my best friend klaribae

Tuesday, 11/1/22

went to ee biol lec, i do not like the knew professor but it is okay we'll manage

i dont remember if i ate or what i ate

hung out at kerck for a bit before going to a zoom meeting that i did inside of kerck

wednesday, 11/2/22

went to lecture, i had a midterm today for ls30b

i thought i studied really freaking well and understood the material but the actual test kicked me in the butt and im nervous for my results

thursday 11/3/22

went to eebiol lecture again, she didn't know how to use the mic and it cut out mid lecture

had a picnic with tas and professors it was very nice

studied and hung out at fireside, ending up spending the night there

friday, 11/4/22

i went to my lab and lecture for ls30b from 12pm-3pm

i had a meeting where i was exposed to what it would be like being a responder for a suicide/crisis hotline at 4pm

i had dinner with adiline at rende west at 7pm

saturday, 11/5/22

i got cpr certified this morning! i was trained in bls and cpr fro 9am to 12pm, it was very interesting and im very happy i was able to take the course. i also got 100% on the test!

i ate at bplate with some friends before meeting at the study with joseph. i swiped him some food and swiped myself a decaf white chocolate mocha iced coffee and an opera cake. it was a really good time talking to him

i met with brandon, steven, hailey, and josh ji to go to costco and pick up supplies for our hangout. it was pretty fun, but hailey's driving is a little questionable when it comes to speed bumps.

we had our hangout from 5pm-9pm at sunset village and it was pretty fun! i had some pizza and drank some caprisun, i mainly socialized with our friends there before heading back to my dorm to work on some assignments

sunday, 11/6/22

i woke up pretty late this day and had hurriedly gotten food and headed out to my photoshoot for vcn. i grabbed a steak quesadilla from rende west before meeting vcn drama cast at anderson steps. it was really nice seeing the drama cast, as it was my first time seeing everyone in person since my role is so small that they did not need me for many of our rehearsals

after the photoshoot and runthrough, i had a professional photoshoot with some friends at royce. we all looked so nice and so pretty, except i felt like my face was a little poofy this day so i think my photo came out looking a little bit different to how i actually look but it's all good. i've never taken professional photo of myself before, so i really loved the photos that came out from this photoshoot

i met with clarice at 7pm, we went to ralphs for a grocery and snack run. it was a great time hanging out with her, and she even put me on ralph's sushi. ive been avoiding ralph's sushi for the longest because i was always so scared of it but.... it's honestly not too bad! LOL

i met with my alumni mentor at 8pm to catch up and see how we were doing. it was really nice talking to him, i really love how down to earth and straightforward he is. it seems that he is doing great right now which i am so happy to hear, and it was overall such a great time just unwinding and delving into what's been going on in our lives recently.

i met with marykate at 9pm via zoom to check in and chat for a bit too. i think she is so sweet, and i always love every chance i get to talk to her.

10pm i met with alan to go grab dinner at ami sushi in westwood. it was a really great time and i think it was very sweet how he would always make sure that i was walking on the inside of the sidewalk. we had a great conversation over some great food, i had a bulgogi and rice stone pot with salad and miso soup.

monday 11/7/22

i went to my eeb discussion before heading out to ackerman to meet with some friends and chat and study. it was raining this day and it was so freaking cold.

i met up with johnny, he met me inside ackerman and we left to go get food at rende on the hill. i didn't eat with him though because i already planned to eat with amanda at 1pm before my lecture at 2pm. so i just swiped him food and we had a great conversation at rende west. i think it was a bit surreal to finally talk to him, as i've known him by association for a while but never directly talked to him one on one before this

i went back to my dorm after johnny finished eating to unpack somethings and put on more layers of clothing. then i headed out to meet amanda at the bomb shelter, where we both got food from yoshinoya's which was expensive as heck i did not know it was more than $9 for a bowl dayum. but we had a great time, i really loved talking to amanda and hearing about her dog rigby.

i then left amanda to go to my ls30b lecture at 2pm. honestly i dont know what the heck is happening in the class at this point

after class, i think i came back to my dorm and worked up until my meeting at 8pm

tuesday, 11/8/22

election day!!! very stressful, i remember asking around if ppl were going out to vote today lol

i went to my eeb100 lecture and i think this was the day where my professor's mic cut out and we couldn't hear her for like half of lecture rip

i dont remember what i ate

i just remember i had so much to do today and a paper to write that was actually do a week before, but my professor had only let me know that i was able to have an extension to the end of the night so that was stressful sobs

wednesday, 11/9/22

i woke up and asked hannah if she wanted to grab brunch at bplate with me. we ended going to bplate at 12:30 and it was a really great time talking to her over brunch.

i headed out for my ls30b lecture at 2pm, again had no idea what the heck is going on in the class. i was able to grasp onto the content a little bit but i definitely need to go back and review the material sobs

i dont remember what else i did or ate this day as i dont have anymore notes in my google calendar about it :(

thursday, 11/10/12

my last day taking antibiotics for my sinus infection slay!!

i kinda dont remember what i did, i think i went to lecture and mainly just did work and met up to hangout with people during this day. i met up with bryan and edmond at 4pm and we hungout for a bit, he's a very nice and funny guy to talk to.

i met up with gabi and pari at 6pm, we drove around westwood because traffic was pretty bad and there was no parking space available, so gabi ended up dropping me, pari, and karis off at diddy reise to get cookies for everyone. i got the candy chocolate chip cookie idk ive never really liked it before but i've been craving m&ms recently LOL. after we got our cookies, we were chilling in gabi's car jsut hanging out and talking for a bit before her volleyball game. then pari and gabi left and karis and i sat in mr. noodle waiting on karis's food.

robin picked karis and i up from mr. noodle and he dropped karis off at hedrick summit. he also picked up three other people who were going to sawtelle, since we were also headed to sawtelle for dinner. after dropping them off at tsujita, robin and i ate at sushi stop. it was my first time eating there so i was super excited. the food was actually SO good and im so happy he recommended the place. 10/10 would come again. it was also such a fun time talking and hanging out with robin :)

friday, 11/11/22

the cursed day. we'll get to why we call it the cursed day.

it actually started off pretty great! i woke up and went on a picnic with juliet and some friends at tongva steps. she brought us all sorts of goodies and bagels and breakfast foods and it was really really good

after our picnic, i went back to my dorm to get ready to meet with pauline! we went to a cafe in westwood and she treated us to some delicious drinks. she got an americano and i got matcha latte. it was soooo good. we had such a great conversation too, and i felt the same surreal feeling in that i always knew of pauline prior to coming to college but never thought that i would ever talk to her or hangout with her one on one like this. it was super fun and she is so sweet to talk to. we were able to find some seating inside where we started doing some work. we also ran into kadee and her sister, and they sat next to us to do some work too.

at 4pm, pauline and i left the cafe and headed to the bruin bear to meet with selene. there, we all walked back up the hill and pauline went back to her dorm. selene and i went to her dorm to pick up something and then we went to my dorm to hangout. i really loved talking to selene and can find myself relating a lot to her. she is super sweet and im very grateful that i've had the opportunity to get to know her more on a deeper level

then i went out to get dinner with jason and a lot of friends! i forgot what the kbbq place was called but it was so freaking GOOD oh my gosh i was so happy. it was such a good dinner, it really tied up how well everything else was going in my day

and that's when the day becomes cursed. long story short, i ended up drinking so much to the point where i blacked out and remember absolutely nothing. it was awful and i am still traumatized by how much i drank.

saturday, 11/12/22

i woke up very confused at jason's apartment. i didn't remember how i got there or when i got there or anything. i felt so sick and was terribly hungover, the worst hangover i've had in my life so far. next to me was josh ji which was even more confusing but i was happy that i wasnt alone. josh ji called charlotte to ask what the heck happened, and charlotte was giving us bits and pieces from what she remembered. it made me feel even more sick as she was recounting what went on during the night. i yakked a lot, jason made me noodles but i couldn't stomach it, and i ended up just resting for a long time on the couch. i did get to see poppy (jason's cat) she is so adorable i love her.

jason drove me back to grab my backpack from kelvin's apt and then he drove me back to my dorm and made sure that i was feeling okay enough to get back to my dorm safely. as soon as i came back to my dorm, i immediately went to the floor and knocked out. my roommate was there and i was telling her how sick i felt before i knocked out, so she was taking care of me and gave me a yak bag and helped me throw up. i was in and out of sleep, only waking up to throw up and then pass out again. it was so bad.

my roommate left for work at 6pm and called my boyfriend to come to my dorm to take care of me. my boyfriend ended up staying with me the entire time, helping me get water in my system and tried giving me some vitamin c too. when i took the vitamin c pill and water throw i immediately through it all back up and it was awful. he left to get me some hot water to see if that was easier to stomach and also some birria ramen from the taco cartel truck. that ramen is actually the best hangover food ong it had noodles to soak up anything + protein + lime my god it was so gas. i couldnt finish it, but i made sure to eat all the meat. my boyfriend stayed by my side and helped me eat. he watched rick and morty with me until we both fell asleep again

vanna and josh ji came by my dorm to drop off powerade which i was very thankful for. they also jsut checked in on me and made sure that i was okay

my roommate came back around 12am and that's when my boyfriend and i woke up. im very grateful that she was okay with him staying the night and sleeping over to continue taking care of me, and i am very grateful that my roommate and my boyfriend r my best friends i love them both very much

sunday, 11/13/22

i felt soooo much better when i woke up on sunday, i actually felt reborn. everytime i was sent a video or photo of myself from friday night though i felt nauseous and thinking about that night still makes me nauseous

my mom came up which was really nice. i ate an acai bowl before she arrived and i swiped her a salad that she really likes from the study.

we went to griffith observatory, paid $10 for parking, and then couldnt even get into the observatory bc my mom isn't vaccinated and neither of us knew that they checked for vax cards. instead, we ended up hiking on the griffith observatory trail and that was really nice. we sat on a bench for a while watching the sunset and talking and adoring the cute dogs all around us

after griffith, we headed out to a japanese bbq restaurant. i think it was called tokyo kalbi, but im also not too sure. i just know that it was really good. on the way there, i was also on call with kristina and brooke for a bit, and it was really nice talking to them.

we ate at the jbbq place and it was actually so good. their cut of meat was so good but that also made it so expensive and i felt guilty eating tbh but my mom insisted that i ate until i was full. we had a good time chatting over dinner, she was telling me all about her bumble stories and interactions and at this point i just accept it

after dinner, she took me back home to my dorm. she gave me a bag with goodies and things i needed from home, along with some motivational messages taped to the goodies reminding myself to take care of myself. i love my mom, she is the best.

i met with tyler at 9pm and we had a great time talking in de neve. i swiped him some chicken tendies before heading out to fireside

at fireside, i was hanging out with some friends until i started having a really bad cough and felt a sore throat coming. i ended up going back to my dorm and taking a rapid test, it came back with a faint line :( so i took a pcr test and waited for my results to come back

monday, 11/14/22

i woke up super freaking sick. it was insane. i had a bit of a cough from hanging out with my mom but i thought i was just choking on dust or water or something, it wasnt too bad. but this morning i was dying.

i dont remember what i ate and i went to lecture online

my enrollment time was at 5:30pm, i didn't get physics 5a which i really needed T_T

i was mainly working up until my meeting at 8pm

after the meeting i broke down lol i was really really out of it and feeling super sick. my temp kept fluctuating and my throat hurt so badly i couldnt even speak without wincing

after calming down by talking to a few people about how i was feeling, i headed out to a hangout that my friends and i planned for the night. just crazy college things to make memories, yk? it was super fun except i got more sick afterwards sobs. edmond gave me nyquil when we got back to our dorm and a ton of vitamin c which i am super grateful for.

i didnt sleep until 4am i think and then at 5am the water boiler broke in my building and bc im on the 9th floor we were closest to it. it was a LOUD banging, i woke up thinking that smoeone was trying to break into our room through our window. some rooms got flooded apparently, but luckily not ours.

tuesday 11/15/22

i woke up feeling a bit worse but i was still able to function. my sore throat had lessened, i was mainly just feeling dizzy and my body had felt so heavy. i took another rapid and this time it was fully negative, no faint line. my pcr also returned and it was negative slay. i think im just dealing with a bad cold or sinus infection again

i had to get up at 1:30pm to get ready for my hiring paperwork appointment at 2pm. i finally got hired at the study slayyy!! i got my uniform and filled out the identification forms and everything, but honestly HR and the whole hiring process is still pretty unorganized.

after my appointment, i grabbed food at rende west and ran into yasmine. we talked for a bit before she returned to her dorm. i got a steak burrito. i was feeling too dizzy to continue being outside and went back to my dorm to rest and do some work

at 8pm, i went out to watch my friends play capture the flag. it was pretty fun watching them, but it was also super cold. i remember being so cold that my feet felt so numb to the point where i thought they were going to fall off.

i walked back to the dorm with pauline afterwards and put on more layers of clothing.

i choreographed a dance to a part of CPR by cupcakke, i really love femme dancing

i headed out to fireside to hangout with my friends and help choreograph some more dances, and ended up working until 4:20am.

i headed back to my dorm, gave my boyfriend a goodnight hug because he was still awake studying for his midterm, and then crashed in my bed

Wednesday, 11/16/22

i woke up today DYING. i woke up at 7:30am from a coughing fit that just would not end. i felt like i was sweating but so cold at the same time and that the world was slightly rocking. i ended up going in and out of sleep just coughing and rolling and coughing some more and trying to breathe without it hurting. i ended up having to cancel all my plans for today and was bedridden

my boyfriend came by my dorm to drop off some dayquil, which helped a lot with my coughs. i went back to sleep and woke up around 4pm.

at 4pm, i went to go shower to see if it would help make me feel better. it did make me feel better, but i accidentally was showering in too hot water and i almost fainted from the steam i think. i felt a lot better after showering though, but i was still having trouble breathing and coughing like crazy so i went back to my dorm to rest and do any work i can online.

my boyfriend dropped off food for me at 5:30pm, i ate spicy tuna poke bowl from the aloha fridays food truck. this was the first thing i ate today.

i called some friends and my mom to see how they were doing and it was nice talking to them. jason called me to see how i was feeling and came by to drop off some medicine for me which i am very grateful for, he is truly da best

i've been doing work since from my bed. my boyfriend finished his scrimms at 9pm and is going to drop off food for me soon. i asked him to get me a sandwich from the study. in fact, he just gave it to me rn at 10:57pm i love my boybae <3

after i eat, im just going to keep working and getting as many things done as possible until i cant handle staying awake anymore.

overall, today was a 2/10 bc health was dookey but i am happy that i am surrounded by such nice people

[all-you-need-is-paul-mccartney]

Across the Universe II (Paul McCartney x Female!Reader)

Find Part One Here

A/N: I just checked chapter 1 and I literally put it up over a year ago. Shit. I just wrote a part 2, and finally got ahold of a computer to post it. I hope you's enjoy it. my last chapter had like... 20 likes altogether, so hopefully this chapter will draw some readers in.

Summary: Paul makes it to the Princeton campus where he not only reunites with his cousin Vick, but he meets a fellow stoner named Max. From there, the boys indulge in some Ivy League Hospitality.

WARNINGS: Drinking, swearing, smoking psychoactive substances (Cannabis), just dumb college guys doing dumb college shit. also, it's probably got mistakes bc I suck at revising

This is just a statement clearing up that none of these characters are mine except for Vick. Everyone else belongs to those who were involved in and/or collaborated with Julie Taymor in making the Across The Universe film (2007)

I'll rate this one a T seeing as the substance use isn't THAT bad.

"Vick Hoffner?"

"Try across the way, man. I think there's a Vick of sorts there."

Paul simply nodded at the stranger before turning on his heel and making a beeline to the next apartment, his hands fiddling with his useless book of contacts.

What was the point of giving me your number if you won't even pick up the phone?

He sighed, and rubbed his eyes tiredly with the palm of his hand. He'd been hitchhiking for two days just to get to the Princeton Campus, and then a few hours going through the closest rented apartments to locate him.

This was apartment number 9.

And it was nearing one AM.

Paul rapped weakly at the door, silently concluding that this would be the last place to check before finding somewhere to sleep until the next morning.

The door swung open, and Paul was face-to-face with this college kid who seemed to be about his age. He had unkempt blonde hair that curled around his ears, patchy stubble, and big blue eyes hazed over with the red assault of cannabis in his system.

Despite this, and the nearly empty beer bottle in his hand, the guy looked like he was keeping it together pretty well.

Paul cleared his throat, and raised an eyebrow. "... Vick Hoffner?"

"Nah, man. He's out at the moment gettin' drinks," the guy paused, and looked at Paul for a moment.

"Hey, hold on, you're not... Vick's cousin, are you?"

"Would it be an issue?" Paul asked sarcastically, to which the other guy responded after a laugh, "Nah. I just can't wait for him to get back and find out you got the better looks."

Paul just rolled his eyes, a smile on his lips. "Probably don't matter. He's the brains n' so is me brother. 'S what really matters; though I take pride in this thing." Paul pointed teasingly at his face.

The other guy smiled, pulling two cigarettes from behind his ear. He offered one to Paul, and he claimed the other. He lit the both of their cigs, and they each took a long drag after Paul scanned the apartment hallway for any angry tenants who happened to be against smoking indoors.

"So... does Vick's "pretty boy" cousin have a name?"

Paul nodded like the fact that he had a name was astounding information, but he smiled genuinely before bringing the cigarette back to his lips. "It's Paul."

"Max," The blond shoved his hand out, and the boys shook hands firmly. Max eyed Paul again."Where's that accent from, Paul?"

"Same place as me," Paul answered as he shoved his free hand in his pocket, blowing out smoke a moment after. "Liverpool."

"But why come to America?" Max gestured Paul into the apartment as he spoke, closing the door behind them. "Kill someone? Were you on the run from the cops? FBI?"

"'Sounds like you'd be one to know 'bout all of that." The boys took a seat on the couch in the centre of the room as their cigarettes slowly burned away as they chatted.

"Hey, hey, I've barely ever been in trouble with the cops, but I have pissed off every professor in Princeton, and have broken several campus windows."

" 'nd... you're proud of it?"

"I'm an adrenaline junkie, what can I say? Smashed nearly forty five windows and despite being Princeton's number one vandalidm suspect, I'm still not expelled. Y'know why?" Paul leaned in a little, enough to catch the dank scent of weed, and Max lowered his voice. "... because they can never prove it's me."

" 'nd why is that?"

The answer to Paul's question burst right through the apartment door.

"There's three more of us, and it could be any of them!" One of which, Paul could surprisingly recognize.

"Vick. Long time no see," Paul rose to his feet, and Vick, who'd set a six-pack of beer on the coffee table between them, greeted his cousin with a friendly hug and some "how are you"s.

Despite being an intelligent young man, Paul noticed that Vick behaved a little less like how he used to: polite, conservative, and proper. It was suspected that his behaviour changed because his newfound freedom at Uni allowed him to experience and access things that he would have been otherwise restricted from when he was younger.

Booze was one of them.

Dope was another.

In fact, he wordlessly cracked open a beer for Paul, and handed it to him like he'd asked for a drink in the first place.

Paul wasn't a huge drinker. It was never a vice of his, or anything like that either. He got shitfaced every once in a while for fun.

But when he brought that aluminum can up to his lips, Paul would never have guessed that it would have led to the night it did.

Five minutes after Vick and his buddies returned, Max brought out the roach Paul suspected he was sucking on before he got there.

With enthusiastic cheers from around the room, Max lit the sucker up, took a nice drag from the hot remainders of the joint, and passed it on to Paul.

Paul looked at the roach, almost as if he was confused. No one had asked him if he'd ever smoked before, but Max and the others yelled hurriedly over top of one another, instructing for Paul to suck in quickly and hold the smoke in for as long as he could.

It resulted in a coughing fit, and encouraging pats on the back from the other guys. Vick ended up taking the roach next, and Max reached out across the table.

"Have another one of these, my friend," he slid over another beer after cracking it open just moments before, despite the fact that Paul wasn't quite finished his first drink.

"Y'know, the more you cough, the higher you get? Pretty fucking sick. Like a win-win, man. You don't cough: You're high. You cough: You're super high."

As time went on, and Paul nursed his second drink more responsibly than the first one, things, ironically, started making less and less sense to him.

At one point, he was talking to the guy sitting across from him, and he just stopped talking for a whole ten seconds before turning to Max and asking "what the fuck was I just talking about?"

"Who fucking knows." The blond's shoulders shook as he tried suppressing his laughs, but eventually Paul just burst out into laughs and uncontrollable tears.

And everyone followed suit.

He had absolutely no idea how he got there, or how long he'd been there for, but sitting before Paul were now two empty Tankards. A waitress just set down another to him, and collected the table's empty glasses.

They were in a bar.

Max sat beside Paul as he watched Vick spectate the other two guys play pool.

For the life of him, Paul couldn't remember those guys' names, despite knowing he was told multiple times in the last few hours. To be fair, being drunk and stoned is a perfectly reasonable explanation as to how one forgets another's name. He supposed it didn't exactly matter, anyways.

"So, you got any hot sisters abroad I should know about?" Paul gave Max a funny look  but it may have been because it took so long for Paul's brain to register what had been asked.

"... No. Do you?"

"I've got two younger sisters; one's eight, and the older one's a little on the uglier side," though he didn't say it, Max's little smile indicated to Paul that he was joking about the last comment.

Paul and Max watched the boys play pool a little longer until the eight ball was pocketed.

"Wanna play?" Paul's head snapped to his left, and he nodded at Max's offer.

The other guys traded off, and Vick continued spectating. Max made the first break, and Paul watched as the cue ball rolled right into one of the pockets. Well, it seemed to have been only him to notice, because Max's eyes were instead trained on a brunette woman passing the two.

She looked over her shoulder to wink at Max, and rather than gouging his reaction, she simply walked off and took a seat alone in the corner of the bar.

"Do you believe in love at first sight, McCartney?"

"Well, I'm sure that it 'appens all the time. Never 'appened to me, personally."

"You just need to find the right one, my friend.." Max trailed off again, eyes still locked on the bird in the corner. He was slowly inching from the table and toward her. Max eventually just set the cue on the table and completely abandoned their game to talk to this girl, who flashed him a flirty smile with her bright white teeth and painted lips.

Paul watched Max amusedly, taking a swig from his beer and memorizing the moves Max was putting on his lady friend, who was clearly enjoying his company.

Maybe Paul wanted to get better at approaching certain women. He knew how to flirt, and be charming. It's not like he'd never had girlfriends. He'd had his fair share of girls in his teenage years, and he had Molly now back in Liverpool.

But Paul, at this moment, in his crossfaded brain, realized that he didn't want to attract the women he had been anymore. Just from her visual appearance, and how she was reacting to Max's charming flirts, Paul could sense an airiness to her personality. She was always smiling, inching closer, initiating physical contact by nudging his hand with her own, the list goes on.

Hell, even on her happiest days, Molly would be reluctant to kiss Paul, but he'd excuse her behaviour because she was just a regularly bitchy person who hated public displays of affection.

Or hardly any affection at all, it seemed.

Needless to say, Max returned to the table five minutes later with a phone number and a big red lipstick stain on his cheek. So to celebrate, the gang decided to go golfing.

"Here she is, Window Way," Max introduced Paul to the roof of their apartment building. The other boys started giggling at the name "Window Way". Each guy had their own club, Max held a bag of golf balls, and Vick carried another six pack.

Max set his things down and took in the crisp night air as Vick opened yet another beer for each of the boys. Max took a can for him, and one for Paul, and proceeded to show his new buddy just why he called it "Window Way".

"A Driver will send a ball..." Max pointed his arm straight out in front of him, his finger pointing right towards the windows of the Princeton Campus library.

"...Straight towards the school," Paul finished. He turned to look at Max. "You guys do this every night?"

"Paul, I do this all day. I barely go to class anymore."

"Hey, Max! You tee first!" One of the nameless guys called out to them. Max brandished the widest of grins before rushing to grab his club, a ball, and a green tee from his pocket. "Hey, Paulie, wanna help me out by holding my tee up?"

"Well, how'd I do that without gettin' hit?"

The other boys started laughing again, and Paul was genuinely confused until he found himself lying on his back seconds later, and the bottom of the tee between his lips, which only got heavier when Max set the ball down onto it.

If he were sober in this moment, Paul would not have been this comfortable with someone swinging a golf club full force towards his head and then trust their judgement regardless of their in intoxicity that they'd hit their target...

It was a good thing Max had been doing this for a long time, because wow, did that ball ever fly.

Paul watched in stoned disbelief as the ball soared far off into the distance and over the roof of the library. And while no one had seen it, they certainly heard the shatter from the other side of the building.

And that's when all five boys ran away from administration retired back to their room to light up a new joint Vick had also brought home as a surprise. They all sat around and lazily talked to one another about how crazy Max's shot was, and while some of them were falling in and out of sleep, Max insisted they all stay up to watch the sky change colour from the courtyard.

Paul didn't know how he stayed up any longer than he did, but he pulled through like a trooper, and they all watched the sky change as they lay down in the fallen leaves. But as soon as they all came back to their room for a final time, Paul dragged himself in exhaustion to the living room chair to sit, but he just slipped out of it onto the floor, and that's when his body decided to turn off on its own.

The other guys dropped to the ground or onto the furniture like dead flies, and within ten seconds of the door closing, the room was quiet.

And it stayed like that for nearly ten hours.

Paul woke up that evening with a raging headache and multiple trips to the bathroom to be sick, but now three things were certain for him: He definitely had one hell of a time, he definitely wanted to hang out with Max a lot more, and that evening Paul definitely got by with a little help from his new friends.

------------------------------------------------------

A/A/N: alrighty, if this chapter doesn't do too too bad, I'll see about continuing this story. I've got chapter 3 pretty much done as well, I'm just in the midst of revising it. If you want more, by all means, PLEASE let me know!

[crownquill]

Reasons

..I see a lot of stuff relating to EDS talking about why you shouldn't eat and stuff so here is a list of why you should and need to eat/get help. Read it please just to humor me.

1. Food is fuel. And when you go about your day without food in your system, you’re basically running on empty. Your body will go haywire no cap.

2.Other low blood sugar symptoms can include shakiness, sweatiness, and irritability

3.When you skip a meal, your body starts to run low on its immediate glucose supply. Low blood sugar can zap your energy, making you feel sluggish and weak

4. It can be hard to think about anything but food when your brain and body are starved for energy. Not great for things like productivity at work, socializing with friends, or being a generally comfortable, content, and OK human being.

5.Then you binge to make up for it which SUPRISE isn't healthy either

6.“Skipping meals doesn’t only affect the nutrients you consume, but your ability to exercise and lead a healthy life

7.You will literally be unable to exercise soon because you dont have any fuel. You will feel weak and nauseas

8. You dont deserve this. Period. I dont fucking care who you are or what is happening in your life. If there are bullies tell them to fuck off. You dont need to change yourself. At least not like this.

9. This is deadly

10. You want to glow up not fucking die. (If you do then https://www.7cups.com)

11. 1-7 were what happens when you skip one meal yes. It does get much much worse. I will now say what happens when you dont eat enough for three days

12.  Dying of thirst, however, can happen within mere hours. Reminder to anyone reading this to love themselves (https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/30-ways-practice-self-love-and-good-yourself.html) and drink some water for fucks sake

13. Your breath with smell. You release ketone bodies through your breath. No this does not mean you are losing weight

14. You are losing water weight what you are doing isn't even effective

15.During times of starvation, the body preserves two organs and then shrinks the rest

16. Bitch do you want your literal organs to shrink instead of your body?

17. For men one of the organs that goes first is their testicles. (imma do two 17s bc this one is specific)

17. . As most people know too well, being hangry is combination of being hungry and irrational angry, and it can result in you lashing out at the people you love the most. And it's all caused by your brain running out of the energy it needs to make good decisions. (this only gets worse as you keep going)

18. In school? Expect your grades to slip. In work? Expect to get fired soon.

19. But things get really dire after 72 hours, when your brain decides it needs more than just ketones to survive. This is when your body starts to break down its own proteins so that it can use their amino acids to form glucose.

20 This means your body literally cannibalises itself and eats away at your muscle tissue just to stay alive.If you don't eat at this point, the break-down of your body will continue

21. and death can occur as little as three weeks after you stop eating - if you don't get sick from a lack of immune system-essential vitamins and minerals first.

22. You really wanna be at risk of getting sick? During a Pandemic?

23. Permanent damage to organs.

24. Permanent damage to your brain.

25. This also works even if you are eating something. If it isn't enough it doesn't count, period.

26. You will start to pass out and this decreases everything. You think your crush is going to care you look slim after you pass out in front of them? After you lash out at them from hunger? When your breath constantly smells?

27.Few people die directly from starvation because they usually die of an infectious disease first. Uh *cough cough* you will probably die of covid if you keep going.

28. Your skin and hair flakes and falls off. Say hello to thin hair.

29. . Kwashiorkor is a related disease that affects children who are protein-energy deficient and might result in edema and an enlarged and fatty liver, resulting in the distending of the children's bellies, providing the illusion that children who are starving are well-fed.

30. Basically, if you get that disease it’ll bloat your stomach and you’ll think you are gaining weight and starve yourself more.

31. When the person's death finally arrives, its most immediate cause is by cardiac arrhythmia or a heart attack brought on by either extreme tissue degradation brought about by autophagy, or severe electrolyte imbalances.

32. Think of other options. Do you want to die? Do you want to get covid/sick? Do you want your body to eat away at itself? First its passing out and losing focus, next is a heart attack. 

@oulemon >:{ you are a nice person but you need help. Now.

[maknaesdancersrappers]

july 21

hello. july 21 is a special day for me and you dont have to read this because its just me venting out my thoughts and emotions as long as i can without word/character limits on any platform.

july 21 is my maternal grandmother’s birthday. when i was born, my mom went abroad often and my dad had the regular 9 to 5 job plus extra hours for commute. so growing up with my sisters who are 5 and 7 years older, our grandparents and aunts took care of us.

im also more fond of my maternal grandmother since my paternal grandmother lived far away and we rarely ever get to see her (usually only during summers and once she stayed with us for awhile) until she passed away from Alzheimer's.

during the long hiatus i took early this year (late december to mid-march?), a lot has happened in my life. my health was put at risk because of the ash fall brought by the volcano eruption (january 12); i had allergies for weeks - i couldnt breathe properly, let alone sleep because of it. it was about to be the second year after graduating college and i have yet to get a job; the pressure from my family - and myself - was so unbearable that i caught myself slipping back to my very, very, very dark thoughts. and the worst thing that happened in those three months: my grandmother passed away. in filipino, grandmother is lola (loh-lah) and i’d like to use that for the rest of this post.

if you ask anyone in their neighborhood, any of our family friends, and relatives, everyone will tell you that her death was sudden. because everyone knows her as the sometimes-funny-sometimes-cranky old lady that owns the convenience store at the corner of the street. she was 96. she was 96 but she refused to get a wheelchair or use a walking stick even though her knees started to hurt after a few steps. she was 96 but didn’t need glasses to read most of the time. she was 96 but didn’t have any maintenance medication. ever since she reached her 90′s, she had gone to the town clinic at least twice because she fell over (from loss of balance) and busted her head. yet she would walk the next day like she doesnt have stitches on her scalp. she hated going to the doctor, she’d always claim that nothing hurts and the only thing she wanted the doctor to fix was her hearing (its as weak as how her eyesight is clear)

i wasnt the only one in the family that got severely affected by the ash fall. my lola also had trouble breathing because of it. she also went to the doctor for it and they only prescribed her antibiotics. please remember this info. this should be around early february

she got a little better but her voice was very hoarse from the phlegm. even before this, lola had little to no appetite and would only eat when someone else is eating (usually if it’s us, her granddaughters). and by little to no appetite, i mean her whole meal would be three spoonfuls of rice and one piece/chunk of whatever the main dish/ulam is. whenever we ask if she had eaten (even though we know she hadnt) she’d always claim that she already has (this eventually became a little joke in our family.) we took this sign as her dementia getting worse (although she was never really diagnosed with it, we had naturally assumed it because she would always repeatedly tell us stories that she insists happened even though some have been debunked and there were times she forgets our names if we havent visited in a while.)

after she gets better from the cough (idk the real diagnosis of it), her legs started to swell and because her routine had been reduced to being bedridden for most of the day, my aunts thought it was just poor circulation. it took two weeks before they brought her back to the town clinic and again, they just prescribed her with some medicine. everything after this is blurry to me until feb 21

my mom, being the eldest, made the decision to bring lola to the hospital. she’s, rightfully, unsatisfied with the town doctor’s diagnosis and prescriptions because lola is in so much pain and her legs were still swollen and its been weeks. i was with her in the emergency room while my mom and aunt did the paper work and the staff ran tests on lola. i’m contacting my sister who was in singapore and we’d video call to entertain lola since she was very adamant - and vocal - that she did not want to be admitted to the hospital bc she was “fine.” goSh she made so many hospital staff laugh because she would always announce whenever she had to fart. after like 2 hours, we move her into a ward and my mom tells me that i’ll have to stay overnight to watch over her. i was very apprehensive of this idea. i honestly did not want to. seeing her in pain was bad enough, but the fact we were in a room with other people and she was crying out loud made me really anxious but it was final. my mom, aunt, and uncle all went back home just to have dinner and they’ll come back since lola’s doctor would be coming by to give the results and for that hour they were gone? i lost it.

lola started talking/praying out loud, asking god why she was in so much pain, asking what she had done to deserve this; and i didn’t know what to do but hold her hand and kiss her head. i couldn’t even show her i was crying. when my mom got back, i told her i cant do it and she eventually convinced my other sister to join me, who cancelled her plans for the next day. that night, i did not and could not fall asleep. after a few hours, her doctor finally came by and dropped a bomb on us. he was kind enough to talk to my mom and aunt behind the curtains in the softest voice ever while i helped the nurse with lola, but i could hear him crystal clear.

cancer of the liver. 

they even momentarily walked back to lola to touch her stomach and stepped back out. i almost thought i misheard, but my mom and aunt’s expressions were too grim that it basically confirmed it. later on, my mom finally told me and explained that the antibiotics she had been taking weeks ago were too strong for her because of her lifestyle and diet. there were tumors in her liver and surgery wouldn’t do anything. i dont remember what i did aside from sketching on the journal i brought, but until i got home at 10am the next day, i did not sleep a wink.

feb 22. when i woke up at 2PM, i was told that they had lola discharged from the hospital. there was nothing we could do but try to ease the pain to the best of our abilities and wait. starting that day, i went over to lola’s house to help out with feeding her, giving her medicine, and just trying to keep her happy by randomly smiling at her when i see her looking around or dancing to no music.

feb 24. these were the early weeks of covid - ph hadn’t had a case yet, i believe, but travel restrictions were being implemented. my sister in singapore was doing everything to make sure she could come home because we don’t know when, but we know lola was leaving soon. of all the things our mom told her not to do, she cried at the entrance of the embassy and by the grace of god, someone took pity and listened to her (bc she was denied entry since she had a small cough) and she was able book a flight at midnight and be home in 4 hours. that afternoon, when i arrived at lola’s house, that was the very first time i stood at the doorway to greet her like i usually did and she didn’t smile. not even the corners of her lips moved. she was in that much pain that she couldn’t even greet me back like she always did, which was to smile and nod her head. that night, we all decided to sleepover there (with the exception of my dad since he had to feed our dogs at home). i take my usual seat in the living room and i notice a white dress that i remember (from photos) being lola’s 50th anniversary wedding gown and without being told, i know it was what she was going to wear for the very last time.

feb 25. being notoriously a late sleeper, i was about to go to sleep at 2AM when i hear lola groaning and whining out loud. when i checked her, her stubborn lil ass was trying to get out of bed alone!!! so i obviously panic and try to wake up anyone by exclaiming that lola had to go to the bathroom - she’s been wearing adult diapers for weeks now but refuses to go in them and is adamant about bringing her to the bathroom so she could relieve herself - so me, and the same aunt and uncle from the hospital, assisted her into this modified chair so she could pee and the only thing i could do was hold her hand, like always. after that, my uncle said he’d watch over her and lie down beside her on the bed so in case she needs to go again, he can take care of it himself. after falling asleep, i heard a few hours later that my sister from SG arrived. when i woke up later on, my sisters and i presented ourselves to lola bc its been so long since she last saw us complete, and this time she was able to give us a small nod of acknowledgement. i realized that none of my uncles and aunts went to work that day, thinking it was just so we could be complete since my sister was home. but then i overhear them making plans to have a priest come over for the sacrament of anointing of the sick - which based on my last and only experience (my grandfather/lolo), this must be the day. during the session, a few of my aunts and an uncle cried. my sisters cried, too, but i forced myself not to. when the priest left, i don’t know how long, but suddenly, she was gone. i didn’t know how to react. this was the second time i’ve seen someone pass away before my very eyes. everyone was crying out for forgiveness, kissing lola’s head, but i couldn’t move one bit. i was finally crying, but i couldn’t move at all.

3 days. from learning about the real problem with lola, it only took 3 days for it to take her away from us. not even a week, or a month. the only bright side to this was that she’s finally relieved of all the pain that’s been causing her suffering. 3 days of knowing her time was very, very short, but it was still a shock when she finally left. 

for the longest time, lola’s goal was to reach the age of 100 because apparently our government will reward her with 100,000 pesos (like 2k usd) for doing so. she wanted to reach 100 because she wanted to leave us with some inheritance haha. and everyone believed she could do it. no one doubted her. until this happened. maybe its just me, but i feel foolish... completely stupid and ignorant for knowing deep down in my heart that she would reach 100 that losing her 3 years prior her goal hurt me more than ever. 

it’s been 5 months but remembering her death still makes me cry. i have dreams (and you all know im a lucid dreamer) where she’s still alive and we’re talking about how she beat cancer at 96 in just a few months, but then i’ll remember that she didn’t and the dream in front of me just shatters and i’ll wake up empty and crying. i have never felt so much regret after she passed bc all she wanted was to see me graduate and it was up to me to show her that i got my first job and give her a portion of my first salary, but i couldn’t even do that. i waited too long and now its too late. her ideal type for me was a rich atenean boy who could drive 😂 and i still couldn’t give her that bc im so anti-men. there was a time i was so scared to go back to lola’s house bc she called me out during dinner - “baket ka malungkot/why are you sad?” - when all i was doing was browsing through my phone, scarily enough going through another “episode”, and the last person i’d ever want to know about my possible depression was her. of all my suicidal episodes, i’ve always resolved them by thinking of her - that i will continue living because i wanted to see her smile. because i wanted to see her happy.

i miss her so much. i wish i had been a better granddaughter to her. the small things i’ve done for her were never enough. in the past 5 months, i’ve only dreamt about her twice (actually being with her) and both times made the day so hard to function. i havent moved on and i dont know if im the only one. i dont know if i’ll ever move on. she would have been 97 today. whenever she forgets my name, i’ll tell her i have the same birthday as her and she’ll remember me. she’ll say “ahhh rosean! july 10!”

if someone read through this, im sorry you had to go through that mess. but thank you for hearing me out. no, i’ll thank you the way my lola would thank people, verbatim:

thank you very much from the bottom of my heart.

[thestuckylibrary]

Group Ask 151

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Anon 1 said:

Looking for an EG fix it fic. Steve stays in the past. Bucky is depressed. Old!Steve dies?? Wanda & Peter go back in time to bring Steve to the future to help save the world. They find Steve & he's confused bcuz he was on his way back but wanted to stop at his fave diner to get some food first. Wanda realizes taking Steve from the past caused it to seem like he never returned after putting the stones back and he's now experiencing time out of order. IIRC turned out Old!Steve had married Bucky.

Anon 2 said:

Hello! I've searched through tags and fics both here and on ao3, and I'm still trying to find a certain fic. I don't remember a lot, but a scene that stuck is Steve used Bucky's lotion/moisturizer to jack off with and when Bucky found out he got mad at Steve, but there was really an underlining reason as to why he got mad. Anywho this is not a lot of info, so I'm sorry and I wish I remembered more. As a side note, thanks for all y'all do and hope you have a great day!

goldenmoleblr and Anon sent in signature collection by yasgorl (oneshot | 5,464 |E)

Anon 3 said:

I've been searching for this pic for the last 3 hours - please sent help! Bucky and Steve are Enemies (kind of) and meet on a mission and have (hate)sex. After that they meet up for sex but Bucky always wears a mask or goggles so Steve doesn't know he is Bucky. They catch feelings along the way and I think there was a happy ending. I already looked at the Enemies to Lovers and Identity Porn Tag and couldn't find it :-(

autonomygirl and Anon sent in The Blind Leading* by SkyisGray (oneshot | 43,034 | E) *graphic violence

Anon 4 said: (mpreg)

Hi im looking for a fic in which a pregnant bucky (resulting from a hydra experiment) realizes hes having contractions and goes into the bathtub to give birth. Steve finds out and sits there with him as bucky is pushing. Bucky realizes he cant push the babys shoulders out and steve basically encourages him? -LK

Anon 5 said:

Hi, I'm trying to find a Stucky fic where Bucky (I think) has a pet rock that someone taped googly eyes and a tiara on so it became a pretty pretty princess award or something like that? Thanks!

Anon 6 said:

hey, hi, i read a fic forever ago where bucky and natasha swap bodies and i can’t find anywhere!!!! i don’t see it in your body swap tag

airybmore sent in don’t leave me hanging, (i’m right here) by bitelikefire (theoleo) (oneshot | 5,278 | T)

Anon 7 said:

I've lost a fic in which Bucky was recovering at some kind of facility until they accidentally triggered him into temporary paralysis. Steve and Natasha took turns reading aloud to him (maybe from Lord of the Rings or the Hobbit)? In the opening scene, he disassociated and attacked someone and thought he was going to be killed for it, but calmed down when they got Steve on the phone. It was definitely a longer one.

airybmore, finduilas88, dolphinqueen10, sergeantbucky-barnes, hjwx and Anon sent in There Is No Shortage of Blood* by alby_mangroves, Dira Sudis (dsudis) (complete | 246,613 | E ) *past rape/noncon, self harm, suicidal ideation

caseysroses said:

Hey does anyone know that fic with engaged! Stucky where buckys parents weren’t coming to the nwedding bc they were homophobic

Anon 8 said:

hi im looking for a steve/bucky/sam fic where sam has a problem with steve claiming the shield belongs to him because its made of vibranium and technically belongs to the wakandans. i remember steve was trying to justify it by saying in the time when the shield was made (40s) no one knew about stealing from other countries or something like that. also it might be set in wakanda but i cant remeber. sorry its not a lot to go off

agentseventyfive said:

Loving the work you do compiling the library. I’ve read some amazing stories thanks to your recs. I’m trying to find a fic I read where they’re on the run & Bucky’s been injured. Steve slowly unfastens his leather Winter Soldier jacket to check his ribs and maybe things could get heated but Bucky being hurt halts things. They then decide strapping him back up in the jacket is best support. I’m pretty sure they were in a cabin on a train? Many thanks.

dolphinqueen10 sent in Lay Your Armor Down by osprey_archer (oneshot | 3,156 | T)

Anon 9 said:

i read this fic and i can't find it anymore-- basically a villain caught the avengers and tied them up and just like,, showed them videos of steve and bucky fucking and mocked steve for being a bottom,,, it sounds weird but it was so funny to read and i need to do it again

Anon 10 said:

I'm absolutely baffled; I lost a post-Endgame fic that, in the long run, was supposed to be a fix-it. Bucky and Sam were pissed at Steve, and Steve begs to talk to Bucky and Bucky tells him that he loved him and Steve said why didn't you say anything? I wouldn't have gone if you had said something or smthn like that. Bucky stays with Sam's mom for a while, I think, and there's this girl (I think her name was sage?) whose parents were snapped and when they came back they disowned her? Thanks!

agirlwithachakram and finduilas88 sent in  Me and My Heart (We'll Make It Through) by fallendarlings (complete | 160,959 | E) *graphic violence

Anon 11 said:

I read a fic a while ago that was about Steve being an introvert, like I think it was a college au focused on Steve and Bucky navigating their differences at the start of their relationship and it was pretty fluffy. Any ideas what it might be? Thanks in advance :D

Anon 12 said:

Here's what I remember about this fic that I can't find: fake/pretend relationship, one of them confesses their love and the other starts laughing bc they're so stupid, not talking to each other, and the one that confessed says, all sad and heartbroken, "please don't laugh at me." Can someone help me find it? Thanks!

Anon 13 said:

hello! i've been looking for a fic set in pre-catfa; i think steve's mom died, and bucky proposed that they move in together but steve refused. bucky's hurt because he thinks steve doesn't want anything to do with him (Steve just stubbornly refuses help); steve gets sick later in his shitty apartment and bucky rescues him.

[lailaliquorice]

throw kindness around like confetti

did I just write over 4k words on periods? yes, yes I did

so this was fun, inspired by this post from @soft-boi-six. periods are hell on earth as I’m sure anyone with a uterus will agree and I love jane being the mother hen/period fairy just as much as I love everyone deciding it’s her turn for a little tlc. never written a 5+1 fic before but I actually quite enjoyed it bc I could get each of the little bits done pretty quickly. tagging @tenpin-boleyn bc it was her suggestion that this should be written that ended in this c:

Living in a house with six women meant that periods were a common thing being dealt with. And as not only the assigned mum friend of the group but also the one who seemed to suffer the least every month, Jane had very willingly taken on the additional position of ‘the period fairy’. She already kept a close eye on her friends to make sure they looked after themselves so it was easy to add another thing to her watch list, and was always on hand with anything they needed when the time came.

I.                     

Headaches and migraines were something that Catherine dealt with often. It hadn’t been hard to work out that they were linked to her emotions, since anxiety attacks were often plagued by stabbing pains at each temple and stressful days would usually trigger tension headaches that made it near impossible to do anything. But by far the worst were the skull-splitting migraines that accompanied her periods, leaving her bedbound for at least a day each month as the slightest movement was agony.

They always arrived like clockwork around an hour after she woke up on the first day, giving her enough time to get herself prepared and bunk down in her bed before the worst of the pain arrived. Occasionally she had less warning though, and when she was woken up one morning by a pulsating agony on one side of her head she knew it was going to be bad.

For a few minutes she stayed absolutely still and tried to breathe through the pain, terrified that if she sat up it would make everything so much worse. But she knew she had to get up before she could cocoon herself in her duvet for the rest of the day. With immense effort and a lot of stifled groans she forced herself to sit up, pausing for a moment on the edge of her bed to regulate her breathing again before she dared to stand up.

After the necessary bathroom trip she embarked on the mammoth task of getting downstairs, eyes only open a crack to look where she was going as the bright lights of the kitchen assaulted her vision. Every noise felt like thunder as she fumbled around in the medicine cabinet for the painkillers she needed, planning on just grabbing them and a glass of water before getting herself back into bed.

“Catherine?”

She let out a cry of pain as the voice sent agony shooting through her skull, clamping both hands over her ears and hunching forwards.

There was quiet for a moment before a gentle hand touched her shoulder. “I’m sorry love, it’s just me,” Jane whispered, and slowly Catherine was able to drop her hands when the pain subsided a little. “Caught you off guard, has it?”

“Mhm,” Catherine hummed. She couldn’t look at Jane, her chin on her chest as she kept her eyes shut against the pain.

“Here, let me help,” said Jane, nudging Catherine into taking a couple of steps backwards before she took over rummaging through the cupboard. Quickly she found the migraine tablets that Catherine got from the doctor, frowning when she looked inside and saw the box almost empty. “Did you set that reminder on your phone I asked you to last month?” she asked quietly, tutting a little when Catherine shook her head. She’d suggested a tracking app so that Catherine knew when she needed to renew her prescription and take her tablets in advance, aware that Catherine wasn’t always the best at prioritising her own health.

Catherine fidgeted nervously as Jane took her hand and pressed two tablets into her palm, swallowing them with a tiny sip of water. “Sorry,” she murmured.

Jane was surprised to see a tear tracking down her cheek when Catherine tilted her head up. “Oh love, there’s nothing to be sorry for,” she sighed with a smile, rubbing a soothing hand over Catherine’s upper arm. “Let’s get you back into bed, hmm?”

Giving Jane the tiniest nod in agreement, Catherine let Jane take her by the arm and help her slowly up the stairs. As Catherine eased herself back onto her pillow Jane made sure the curtains were fully closed and the light was off, before getting a cool flannel and laying it over her forehead in the hope that it would help with the pain.

“Call me if you need anything, alright?” she whispered as she tucked the duvet over Catherine’s huddled form.

Catherine hummed quietly, and with a quick kiss on her forehead Jane left her to try and get some sleep.

 II.                   

Anne always found it fitting that her cycles were as unpredictable as she was. It did make life more difficult though; she could never predict when she’d be on for a show, and would usually end up calling in sick very last minute when the sudden onset of cramps left her unable to stand let alone dance. Her attempt at using tracking apps resulted in her phone being as confused as she was to when she’d be on next, so she abandoned all hope of getting an advanced warning and just accepted what she got.

Somehow though, Jane had managed to work out her own way of knowing. Anne wasn’t as much of a morning person as she and Aragon were but she was by no means a late sleeper, usually announcing her presence in the kitchen by 9:30 every morning except on her days off. Whenever Anne hadn’t appeared by half an hour later Jane knew she was either ill or on her period, and if she’d been fine the evening before it was fairly safe to assume it was the latter.

When the clock struck 10:15 Jane headed upstairs with a box of supplies she’d managed to pull together, consisting of pads and painkillers as well as a bar of chocolate. Anne was still curled up under her duvet when Jane peered around the door so she just left it on the end of her bed, figuring that Anne would come and find her if she needed anything else when she woke up.

That turned out to be less than a minute later, when Jane’s progress down the stairs was halted by a screech of “HOW DOES SHE KNOW!!”

Jane didn’t try to restrain her laughter as she turned round and headed back up the stairs, opening the door to see a very dishevelled Anne sat looking at her with an exasperated grin. “Seriously, how do you know? Even I never know!” she said, pretend outrage in her voice.

“It’s the mum senses, love,” Jane said with a wink, using Anna’s term for her innate ability to know when one of them was either in pain or doing something idiotic.

Anne groaned dramatically, one hand on her stomach as she stood up a little hunched over. “Honestly you’re probably right. Can I have a hand?”

“Of course.”

Hurrying across the room, Jane put an arm around Anne’s waist and let her sag into her side. She knew Anne didn’t like staying cooped up in her room alone when she wasn’t feeling her best so she didn’t bother suggesting she should stay in bed, instead just helping her downstairs to the kitchen. While Anne was in the bathroom Jane warmed up a hot water bottle for her, giving a sympathetic wince when Anne shuffled back through the kitchen into the living room.

Anne was curled up on a sofa with a blanket when Jane walked into the otherwise empty room, glancing up when she heard the door open and reaching out her arms in a grabbing motion towards her. Jane chuckled as the hot water bottle was snatched out of her hands, though her amusement turned into empathy when Anne pouted up at her as she pressed the hot water bottle against her stomach.

“You poor thing,” Jane said, sitting down beside her. Immediately Anne curled up into Jane’s side and rested her hear on her chest, letting out a quiet sound of contentedness when Jane started to run her fingers through her hair. It wasn’t often that Anne was clingy with her to quite that extent, that was more Kat’s style, but whenever she was unwell she always craved physical contact more than usual.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, Jane glanced down at her and asked “Would you like me to call in sick for you today?”

“Yeah.”

“Would you like me to stay here with you for a while?”

“…Yeah.”

Jane smiled at Anne’s nervous answer, tightening the arm around her shoulders to hold her close for as long as she needed to.

 III.                 

Anna was very good at just dealing with things. If she was under the weather she’d just dose up on cold medicine and power through, if she was hungover she’d just put her sunglasses on and get on with it, if she was injured she’d ignore it and insist she was fine until Jane managed to restrain her long enough to assess it. That was what she did; get up, get shit done, crash afterwards.

That didn’t mean she didn’t suffer in the process though. And that was especially accurate when it came to her periods, as in her opinion she could only describe them as ‘the back pain from Hell’. What was even worse was that the pain always outlasted her period itself, which as far as she was concerned was just unfair.

When she stood up to get into her costume before a show and felt the first twinge of pain in her lower abdomen she paused in her tracks, groaning quietly as she let her eyes fall shut for a moment. She’d be fine for the show if she took painkillers fast but she already knew the rest of the day and the next few as well would not be enjoyable at all.

“Anna? What’s the matter?”

Anna looked over at Jane’s concerned voice, wondering at first what she was doing in the other dressing room before remembering she was with them today since her mirror lights weren’t working. “My uterus is playing the jaws theme song,” she joked, straightening up and taking her costume off the hanger.

“Oh,” Jane said with a nod, watching Anna for a moment before she asked “What’s the jaws theme song?”

There was a moment’s pause, before Anna, Anne, and Aragon were all howling with laughter. “Sorry babes, oh shit,” Anna choked out between laughs, one hand on her stomach as the pain was aggravated by her laughter. “Someone gimme a hand, we gotta keep showing her these references,” she said, grinning at the very confused Jane.

Anne grabbed her phone from the desk and quickly pulled up a clip from the film to show her, who watched the screen with wide eyes as she tried to take in what she was being shown. “So it’s a warning for something coming,” Jane clarified, looking pleased with herself when everyone else nodded. “Right, ok. What’s coming?”

Anna rolled her eyes good-naturedly as she deadpanned “My period.”

“Oh! Why didn’t you just say! What do you need?” Jane was instantly asking, yanking her bag from under the desk and opening a side pocket to reveal enough tampons to kit out a menstruating army.

“Did you buy a year’s supply or something?” Anna asked jokingly, shaking her head when Jane held out a fistful towards her. “No no, I’m good thanks. Just some painkillers if you’ve got any.”

Sure enough, Jane unzipped another compartment of her bag to pull out an enormous box of double-strength ibuprofen tablets. “Here you go love, and I’m sure we can find you a hot water bottle for when we get home. At least it’s only a one show day today,” she said, smiling sympathetically as she passed Anna a sheet of tablets.

As she’d expected she managed to get through the show without any trouble at all, ignoring the building ache in her back that worsened right before the megasix. The minute they were off stage though she was trudging up the stairs towards the dressing rooms, throwing open her door and crashing heavily into her chair with her head rested on the desk.

A hand on her shoulder alerted her to Jane’s presence behind her. “How are you feeling love?” she asked quietly.

Anna just groaned in response, lacking the motivation or the care to come up with something more coherent.

Jane squeezed her shoulder, tugging her lightly until she sat up to see Jane stood there holding the clothes she’d worn to the theatre. “Come on, just got to get changed then we can go home and put a film on or something.”

Anna smiled faintly. Home and family was a nice prospect.

 IV.                 

It wasn’t uncommon for Kat to end up in Jane’s bed in the middle of the night. Their rooms were next to each other so it wasn’t far for her to go in the darkness, and it meant that Jane was usually woken by her nightmares anyway so Kat didn’t feel quite so bad about bothering her. It wasn’t just nightmares and flashbacks that drove Kat to seek the comfort of her mother figure though, sometimes if she was feeling particularly miserable she would just want someone warm to huddle up against to make her feel better.

Jane was only dozing lightly when the sound of her door shifting over the carpet broke through the sleepy haze in her mind, so she rolled over and put her arm out as the mattress dipped and someone curled into her side. She cracked open an eye to check it really was Kat – occasionally when Anne’s night terrors were bad enough to drive her down the attic stairs she’d end up in Jane’s bed and even Cathy had turned up once – before she murmured “What is it sweetheart?”

Kat just groaned at first, tightening the arm around Jane’s stomach. That was enough to tell Jane that it wasn’t a nightmare that had brought Kat in, since if that had been the case the simple question would have been enough to coax out a tearful explanation. “Don’t like it,” she whimpered, her voice muffled by the material of Jane’s nightdress.

“Please tell me what’s wrong, darling,” Jane pressed softly, a twinge of worry in her chest.

After another few moments of silence, Kat mumbled an almost inaudible “Period.”

Jane nodded in understanding. “You just don’t feel good, do you?” she said as she stroked a hand over Kat’s hair. Her eyes were still closed though she didn’t need to see Kat to sense the discomfort in her tense body.

The pitiful hum of agreement drew a sympathetic noise from Jane, rubbing comforting circles into Kat’s tight shoulders in an attempt to get her to relax a little. “It’s alright love, I’ve got you,” she whispered, smiling a little as some of the tension in Kat’s arms lessened. “Have you taken any painkillers?”

At the tiny shake of Kat’s head, Jane pushed herself into a sitting position while ignoring the unwilling noise from Kat as she was dislodged from around Jane’s waist. “Sorry darling, but you need to take something,” Jane pointed out, chuckling lightly when Kat was still reluctant to let her go. “I promise I’ll be back in a second and we can go to sleep then. Ok?”

“…ok.”

Jane smiled, placing her hand on Kat’s head for a second before she wiggled out of her arms to get out of bed. Her footsteps were quiet as she padded down the stairs in her socked feet, very aware that Anna was probably asleep on the floor below, and thanks to her recent reorganisation of the medicine cabinet it was only a couple of minutes before she found what she needed and was heading back up the stairs with painkillers and a glass of water.

“Here you go love,” she said as she tapped Kat’s shoulder to get her attention, keeping one hand on the glass as Kat took the tablets just in case she dropped it.

As soon as she’d finished the water, Kat murmured “Sleepy time now. You promised.”

Chuckling quietly, Jane agreed “That I did,” as she climbed back into bed and opened her arms for Kat to curl back into her side. “Try and get some rest, hopefully you’ll feel better in the morning.”

“Yeah,” Kat breathed out in quiet agreement, her body much less stuff as she wrapped an arm around Jane's waist and rested her head on her collar.

It was a few minutes of comfortable quiet before the last ounce of tension seeped from Kat’s limbs as she fell asleep. Jane smiled as she let herself relax too, happy to sleep herself now that she knew her baby was safe and looked after in her arms.

 V.                   

Cathy hated being ill. More than the physicality of it she hated not being able to do things, since any day not spent being productive was a day wasted as far as she was concerned. Aragon and Jane had given her many strict talking-to’s about that point of view, telling her sternly that she didn’t need to be creating something every hour or every day, and as much as she tried to take their words in she still hated whenever she was struck down so badly she had to give up on her work and take a day’s rest.

That meant that more often than not she hated the first day of her period. It didn’t happen every time, but when it did she would wake up feeling absolutely fine until she stood up. That was when her stomach would flip and she’d find herself racing to the bathroom as she was seized by nausea.

She didn’t hear the footsteps rushing down the hallway as she coughed into the toilet bowl. She felt the hands pulling her hair back and knew they were Jane’s even though she couldn’t risk looking up at that moment, just focusing on the gentle touch on her shoulder as something to ground her. After what felt like eons of heaving and shaking, Cathy rested her forehead on her arms as she let out a rough sigh.

“Easy love, you’re alright.”

Jane’s voice sounded miles away, but Cathy nodded weakly as she tried to regulate her breathing. She could feel herself shaking like a leaf and hated it. “I’m fine,” she croaked, trying to sit up unassisted but pitching over sideways into Jane’s arms as her strength failed her for a second.

A quiet chuckle above her made her glance up into Jane’s amused yet worried face. “Are you?” she quipped lightly, adjusting her arms so that Cathy was propped up more comfortably. “Is this a stomach bug or is it that time of the month?”

“The latter,” Cathy answered with a slight groan as her stomach rolled again. She glanced at the toilet, her body tensing, but thankfully the feeling passed within a couple of moments and she just flopped back into Jane’s chest.

“Let’s get you back into bed, hmm?” Jane suggested.

Cathy nodded as she let Jane help her to stand, supporting her as she swayed for a moment before finding her feet. After reassuring Jane she would be fine for a moment she shut the door to sort herself in the bathroom, cleaning her teeth too since her mouth felt disgusting, before letting Jane take over again.

“Can I get you anything love?” Jane asked as Cathy sat up in bed and pulled the covers around her lap. “Water, painkillers, some soup or something?”

She was reluctant to try eating anything but knew Jane would pester her about giving her body what it needed until she gave in. “Some water and chicken soup would be nice, thanks,” Cathy said with a smile, then pointed towards her desk as she added “And can you pass me my laptop please?”

Jane frowned, sitting down on the edge of the bed with a hand on Cathy’s knee. “You need to rest, love. The work can wait for another day,” she said gently, giving Cathy a concerned look.

“I know, but I’ve been working on a new project lately that needs researching. I just wanted to make a few notes,” she protested, sighing at Jane’s pointed glance. Backtracking a little, she changed her tone and asked “Alright, what if you keep an eye on me and I promise I stop if I’m tired?”

“I think that’s the best I’m going to get from you,” Jane agreed with a laugh, patting Cathy’s knee as she smiled. “Let me go and get those bits for you then I’ll bring my embroidery in. I’m warning you though, first sign that anything’s wrong and you’re going to bed!”

Cathy laughed tiredly as Jane walked out the door, resting her head against the pillow propped between her and the headboard as she waited for Jane to come back. As much as she hated not being productive, she could admit that it was nice to have someone watching over her every now and then.

 ( +1 ) VI.                 

For the most part, Jane was lucky enough to not suffer too badly with her periods. She would joke with the others that it was fate taking it easy on her after the way she’d died, but she was secretly incredibly grateful since any pain in her stomach brought on flashbacks from those terrible last days. It meant that she could be there for her friends too, something that put her maternal tendencies to good use.

But every now and then there was a month where she felt like death all over again.

She could already recognise how unwell she felt by the time she even opened her eyes. Her stomach hurt, she felt lightheaded without even needing to sit up, and she could already feel the uneasiness fluttering in her chest. But she still gritted her teeth and sat up, trudging to the bathroom before making her way downstairs. It was a two show day that day and she’d already overslept, she had to get moving.

“Morning Jane!” yelled Anne as Jane walked into the kitchen, already running round in her usual chaotic manner. “I’m in charge of breakfast! I’ve got eggs and toast and holy crap are you alright?”

Jane stopped and blinked as Anne actually stopped to look at her with her eyebrows halfway to her hairline. “What? Oh I’m fine love, please don’t worry about me.”

Anne glanced over at Cathy as she walked over, both of them wearing unconvinced expressions. “Are you sure? You look a little off-colour,” Cathy said gently.

“Little off-colour my ass,” called Anna bluntly from where she was sat at the kitchen table with Aragon, the three of them all turning to look at her. “Babes, no offence but you look paler than I used to be. Even for you that’s a bit much.”

Jane managed to laugh weakly at that, genuinely appreciative of Anna’s humour. She still wasn’t ready to back down. “Honestly, I promise I’m fine. I’m just… just…”

She didn’t finish her sentence since her body chose that moment to come over all faint, her vision blurring for a second before she jolted back into awareness. Cathy and Anne had reacted quickly enough to grab her arms but there was another body pressed close behind her keeping her upright. “You can tell us what’s wrong,” said Kat’s voice softly in her ear, “let us take care of you for a change.”

Jane nodded then, sighing before she managed to stand alone with the three of them still standing by to catch her again. “Just having a bad period I suppose. Feeling a little lightheaded,” she said, smiling tiredly at her sisters as she looked between them all.

“That wasn’t so hard, was it?” Aragon asked as she and Anna walked over.

Rolling her eyes in the face of Aragon’s knowing look, Jane muttered “You can’t mother me Catherine of Aragon that’s my job.”

“Not today it’s not!” Anne said brightly, before she cleared her throat and clapped her hands. “Right you lot, Operation Mum is a-go! All hands on deck!”

Jane had no idea what Operation Mum was, but she was happy to let herself be walked into the living room by Kat while the others continued to busy around the kitchen. Anna appeared first with some painkillers and a blanket which she draped over Jane and Kat on one of the sofas, followed by Cathy with a bowl of chicken soup and Anne with a hot water bottle. Lastly came Aragon, who had enlisted Anne’s help to carry in six mugs of hot chocolate.

When Anna started flicking through films on the TV, Jane paused after a mouthful of soup to protest “But we’ve all got two shows today!”

“Shh,” Anne insisted, curling up under the blanket on Jane’s other side. “We’ve got time. Now just let yourself be mothered for once in your life.”

When Jane looked down at her snuggled into Jane’s side just as she’d been when it was Anne being taken care of, she couldn’t find it in herself to fight them anymore. After she was finished with her breakfast she hugged the hot water bottle to her stomach as she relaxed between Anne and Kat, glancing over at Cathy and Anna on the other sofa and Aragon in her armchair. Her wonderful little family.

She would always be the mother of the group, and that was just how she liked it. But sometimes she could let her wayward children take care of her when she needed them the most.

[scullyeffect]

sorry this is so long but i need to Go Off

you know what i’m mad at anyone who thinks being a nanny isn’t a real job because bitch i work ~35hr work weeks (factoring in one babysitting job on a weekend which isn’t every week but definitely twice a month) during which i can’t really take my eyes off two kids (two families i’ve worked for had 3), we use very busy public transport daily, i have to cook for two (i like cooking and know how to do it but i never use pre-made stuff or frozen stuff other than rice or pasta, also for the family i currently work for i make my own shopping list for what i’ll need for their kids, do the grocery shopping, and get reimbursed later) AND MOST IMPORTANTLY because i’m not the actual parent i can’t discipline in the same way!!! @ parents out there: would you want your kids to say “our nanny is mean she yells at us and never plays with us and doesn’t give us a snack after school!” or “our nanny is nice and plays with us and dinner is really good and we love her”. like be honest you’re not always angels with your kids, and that’s relatively normal (i rationalize) because you’ve got another full-time job and taking care of kids is a lot, sometimes you might just be like “SHUT UP AND PLAY BY YOURSELVES”, which i really can’t do without being labelled as mean.

if there’s a teacher strike (there’s one off and on right now because this is france and everyone is striking but most importantly the bulk of the public transport we normally take, so either we’ve got to walk a couple kms or take the one bus that MIGHT be running to a stop that’s still 20 minutes from home) also i’m often the one who’s dumped with the kids when they’re sick. “can you come over? kid 1 is sick!” so that means i’m basically on full alert because that could mean a) going straight over to their house and taking care of kid 1 and having to take kid 1 on busy public transport to pick up kid 2 and take public transport back, b) picking up kid 1 from school early and repeating above, c) taking kid 1 to the doctor whose office may be across town (one time i took a vomiting kid with a fever of 102 to the hospital as per the mom’s request TAKING PUBLIC TRANSPORT FOR AN HOUR BC THERE’S NO CAR...let’s just say we brought a bowl with us and it wasn’t pretty)

oh! how could i forget school vacation! IN FRANCE (no idea about other countries) full time workers ( 35 hours a week, no paid overtime allowed) are given 5 weeks of vacation, plus a dozen public holidays. school vacations during the year amount to ~6 weeks! if you don’t have grandparents who’ll take the kids for a couple weeks every two months, or some kind of other childcare you’re using (but why would you, you have a nanny!), guess who’s not either paid vacation OR full vacation! (often parents i’ve worked for will take one week off each school holiday, leaving me to do the other week (with pay, but not extra!! same 80-100 euros!), OR send their kids to their grandparents’ houses for the two weeks and not pay me)

also never having a consistent schedule because the parents might have something to do (long commute that’s time-dependant because of traffic, a meeting, the mom i work for now has a boxing class on tuesdays). my friends tend to have normal 9-6 jobs, so they’re often asking if i want to do something after work and i’m like “yeah i get off anywhere between 8:30-10:30 and after that all i want to do is go home and chill). also the parents i work for are separated and one lives an hour from the school and the other lives at a walkable distance (2km) (both are 5th floor walk-ups)

i get paid 80 euros ($89 USD) a week

regarding above: i LOVE kids, i love my job even though sometimes it’s emotionally a little difficult (whereas my other jobs have been like...physically difficult like being on my feet all day and cooking) and stressful, i love cooking, i like playing games, i’m pretty entertaining, and i enjoy cooking. so in all honesty i picked a GOOD JOB, but i get a lot of side-eye for saying i work as a nanny because people (esp my age) don’t think of it as a Real Job.

try doing this job if you don’t enjoy the bulk of what i said above. i hear so many people saying “i hate kids” point blank, then complain about their job with regular hours you can plan your life around

also @ parents: i’ve worked for great families who were respectful of my time, etc, but even they sometimes took advantage of the fact that i didn’t have a “day job” and would stick me with their sick kids, or asked me to do things that didn’t at all fall under my job descriptions (go pick up the kids’ new textbooks, they need gloves can you buy some under 10 euros on the way back from school i’ll pay you back later, the electricity guy is coming at 3pm can you let him in and lock up after, can you pick up the stuff from the dry cleaner’s, i have to go to work early can i drop the kids with you at 7:30 and you take them to school instead, for one family i had to clean the kids’ rooms and the kitchen, for another i had to walk their dog)

parenting isn’t easy but in my opinion nannying your kids, as wonderful as you think they are, isn’t easy either, ESP when you’re trying to maintain the “nice, helpful, TRUSTWORTHY, good nanny/employee” vibe. also, the highest salary i’ve gotten paid for this job was 100 euros a week, they provided a transport pass (other jobs i’ve shelled out 22 euros a week for transport with no reimbursement) and a paid phone bill (here in france adding me to their plan was 2 euros a month). to be fair, i did get to live with the family (but that isn’t always easy either! and probably not always easy for the parents either, sort of unconsciously like having another kid, an extra person to cook for if they’re cooking that night, making space in their home, etc!). and this time they pay for a little apartment which is amazing of them (it’s 15m carrées / 160 square feet)

i grew up with a single mother who didn’t get paid child support and rarely even had a babysitter, so i really don’t know how other kids with married or divorced parents grew up in the US. i know being a single mother for my mom was extremely hard (she’s very vocal about reminding me of this every time i complain about my job tbh). now i technically work for two single parents. but wow...not all single parents/divorced parents can afford what basically amounts to a second parent. that’s what i feel like and have felt for all of my nannying jobs. a second/third parent. truly. 

so parents...if your kids are telling you their nanny is wonderful, and you think she’s great too, keep in mind that that wonderfulness is the result of a LOT of hard work that you don’t see, and that if you’re relying on her for any or all of the stuff i’ve listed above, hiring a nanny is basically hiring a second/third parent. think about that when hiring someone. 

when you hire a nanny who works ~30 hours a week for you, you are hiring a second/third parent. that’s what this job is. you wouldn’t just trust anyone with your kids. if your co-parent is doing a great job, THINK ABOUT MAYBE PAYING HER A LITTLE MORE AT CHRISTMAS OR SOMETHING.

[butchnandos]

honest experience at oxford? just got an offer but not sure if i will enjoy it there

honestly? everyone is teetering right on the edge of burnout constantly. they teach you too quickly for you to understand any of it properly so you have to use the holidays ("vacs") to catch up. lots of independent learning, much more than I was expecting. dumb words for everything (stash, vacs, battels, scouts, JCR, crewdates, bops, collections, prelims/mods, DTB, DTBH, DTG, sub fusc etc etc etc) but you do get used to those pretty quickly tbf. lots of middle class guilt when your cleaner comes in to empty your bin/ hoover. the people are really really lovely and you get to know a lot of people a lot better than at other unis, because you all live together and eat together and your subject (at your college) is small enough that you're all friends. you also know 2nd and 3rd years at your college quite well bc of the college parents scheme, and if you're gay you also get gay parents which is double win. lots of clubbing and lots of alcohol consumption. it is really helpful having food essentially provided, and my college is pay as you go and for a proper meal for £4 cooked for me I'm not mad about it. my college is 5min walk from maccies/KFC and Tesco is like 7 mins max. contact hours vary wildly by subject - the HisPol people this term get like 3 a week, but like physics have 9-4 most days. how valuable tutorials are vary wildly by how good the tutor is (my econ one is shite and also I hate econ so double whammy). the standard of teaching is like fine, not miles ahead of other unis I wouldn't say. it's fucking wild being taught in the same rooms as some big names and the rooms are very grand. if you enjoy going at max speed for 8 weeks then sleeping for 2 then revising again, Oxford is for you. turning ox down is a pretty sick power move tbf. any questions DM me! ox is wild but generally I think I'm enjoying it, just very stressed because collections (beginning of term exams) are tmrw and I don't know shit oof and that's probably coloured my response to this question. you have plenty of time to decide whether it's for you, don't feel like you need to pick soon - for my college at least, you don't pick accomm until after results day so that's not a reason to get it in early like other unis. oh and also ox is a pretty sick flex and you're almost guaranteed a job with an ox degree if you can make it through so that's a consideration! ❤️

[homosociallyyours]

hello good evening

i have been watching the real housewives of beverly hills for the past few weeks and i’ve just gotten into season 6. i’ve been sending chats to @jlf23tumble most nights to spill my feels about it, but my feelings have officially become too large to be held in a single chat. and so here, behind a cut, is me talking about things. in particular, yolanda hadid, lyme disease, and other things unique to RHOBH

ok so i mentioned maybe yesterday in a brief text post that i was shocked to find myself loving yolanda hadid when i truly went in expecting to find her as awful as i find 90% of the housewives, maybe more so. IMAGINE MY SURPRISE when she turned out to be shockingly down-to-earth and chill. in her first season i could imagine her shopping at the store i work at, maybe coming in to buy a particular Dutch cheese that reminded her of home or talking about the newest vegan options we carry. 

then in her second season she started getting sick, and so much of what she was going through hit home for me: the brain fog, the fatigue, the hope of a good day where your energy has returned. she spent her third season getting her life back in order somewhat, still having rough days but pushing through and doing more. 

i’m in her fourth (and last) season, where the lyme has gotten really bad. i started sobbing while watching when she talked about not remembering what it’s like to be well. sometimes i think back on the things i used to love doing like they’re some kind of fading dream. did i really enjoy hiking in the hills or taking my dog to the beach? was it someone else who would sleep 3 hours, work 9 or 10, and then still manage to go out two-stepping? 

when she laid on her couch with tears welling up just saying that it’s a struggle to keep going and that she wants her body to work like it used to, i felt that sense of recognition and relief. it’s not that i have a lot of people telling me i’m faking. i’m really lucky to have a lot of folks who believe me. but there is a voice in my head saying i’ve made all this up and it’s not real and to stop being lazy, and when i heard her talking it helped stuff a fucking sock in the voice’s mouth for a minute. 

what’s wild is this woman started out on the show as a self-proclaimed “dutch martha stewart” who was running up and down the steps of her house with baskets of lemons, working out and dieting non-stop, throwing amazing parties that she organized every detail of and traveling around a bunch. watching the series in such massive gulps (it takes me 3-5 days to finish a season) means that her decline happened in a time lapse, almost. 

and i’m seeing the reactions of all the people who didn’t experience it like that and who have maybe never known a chronically ill person in their lives. when she shows up to a birthday party with no makeup on, everyone at the table questions it after she leaves abruptly. “why would any woman choose not to wear makeup?” “if she felt so bad, why did she bother coming?” “i know i said she looked good but she didn’t.” 

i can’t speak for her, but i’ve stopped wearing makeup because it takes thought and energy that i don’t have, especially if i’m going to leave the house. i also hate looking at myself now most of the time, because all i see is half a fucking person-- a shadow with no life and no energy. i sometimes force myself to go to things when i know they’ll wreck me because not leaving the house is depressing af. i want to be a person again, and goddamn it i will throw every spoon i have at 30 minutes of quality time feeling like myself, even if i know it means i’ll be lying in bed the whole next day. 

and i actually hate hearing that i look good or cute because it feels like such a lie, but i do accept those compliments at face value because i know at the very least that i’m a good actor? like i tricked you into thinking i was a human and not some sad fatigue lump who gets winded from washing my fucking dishes. 

AND THEN-- (yeah we’re back to the RHOBH talk) --we have a plot about everyone secretly doubting her illness. talking about what it could or couldn’t be. as if they’ve been in the fucking room and looked at every test result and laid in bed hoping the next appointment would bring relief. i have generally liked lisa rinna because she’s pretty camp, but she’s the one leading the charge and now i wanna throw a shoe (or a prosthetic leg) at her. 

throughout all of this, i’ve started to really love yolanda. she’s honest and vulnerable and so generous with and protective of her friends. and i know i could get blacklisted for this, but her kids are all better people than every child i’ve watched on a real housewives franchise put together. like. they’re weird and loving and kind and respectful and not spoiled, and i am pretty sure it comes down to having a parent who’s modeling that behavior. 

i was joking with bander earlier about making a reality franchise called “the real spoonies of _city_” where you just follow several chronically ill people through their daily lives. and she laughed bc it would look like completely separate individuals just texting each other and not going out. And It Would! but i think maybe i’d still want to watch it? i wouldn’t mind seeing how other people have figured out their lives (i’m terrible at it and feel a lot like my body is an alien i can’t communicate with) and i’d enjoy seeing people sorting their pills and cooking their quick meals and doing restorative yoga and shit like that. 

instead i watch the housewives because they’re silly and dramatic and they go to fancy lunches or dinners and they take nice trips and go shopping and it’s weird. who lives like that? they do, i guess! 

i don’t wanna only talk about being sick and yolanda, though, so if you’re still reading and care, here’s my hot takes so far:  -lisa v has an atypical relationship with sex which she covers with odd sex jokes. i kinda think she might be on the ace spectrum, maybe?  -kyle and kim break my heart BUT ALSO they had a fight that reminded me of the last time i went home and my sister fucking lost her mind at me for rolling my eyes when she tried to dis the ACA and socialized medicine.  -brandi has some deep psychological trauma and her bisexual ass should consider dating a woman. i think that plus therapy might be good?  -lisa r and eileen have houses that are massive but so full of things that they feel realllly un-fancy compared with every other house i’ve seen on rhony or rhobh! whenever there’s a scene in one of their houses i feel like moving things so i can see them better 

also i know bethenny is gonna make a tiny appearance on this season and i’m so juiced you don’t even understand. bethenny is my girl, ok? i love her. and it’s gonna be weird af seeing her with the beverly hills ppl because they’re SO DIFFERENT. 

one day i’ll do a study of all the RH franchises and separate them out by vibe. maybe make one of those posts that list the aesthetics? like--

rhony: martinis, black manolos, espresso in the afternoon, cashmere sweaters that cost more than a month’s rent, cinnamon candies, red roses

rhobh: bright louboutins, margaritas and frose, high tea, beachy long dresses, pure white roses, pink champagne toasts at brunch, candied grapefruit peels

right? yeah. 

[drferox]

20 Questions with Dr Ferox #23

Whelp, time for another blast of 20 questions and comments from the inbox. If you were brave enough to use your username I’ve tried to tag you (Thanks Tumblr) but if you were on anon, you’ll have to look yourself.

Would you folks be interested in me answering these sort of short questions in a video instead? Let me know in the replies. Now here we go!

Anonymous said: do u play mobile games on your phone, like animal crossing pocket camp? :O

No, should I? I haven't heard much about it.

@trisaratops45 said: Dr. Ferox, First off I just started following your blog and love it! I'm stuck using mobile so I can't see your faq information. I was just wondering if the clinic you work at sees any exotic or pocket pets? Of so what is your favorite to see and treat? Thank you!

Welcome! We don't see a huge amount of exotics at my clinic, we're not well set up for them, but ferrets are probably my favorites.

Anonymous said: do you follow any medblr blogs? and if you do, are you ever like 'thank goodness i don't have to deal with that' or 'man i wish it was that easy'? question tax: what is your favorite depiction of dragons from fantasy media

I actually had to go check which blogs I was following. No active medblr blogs in the list anyway. I often see real clients, in the flesh, and think 'Im glad i don't have to deal with that', especially when they describe to me their own gross medical problems as though I want to know exactly what's coming out of their orifices. All dragons are good dragons. I don't think i could pick a favorite.

@the-noble-banana said: What style of nail clippers are best for trimming a cat's claws?

Whatever you're comfortable with. I like these ones

Anonymous said: Do dogs get acne? Is that a thing? Just curious! Question tax: if you could shoot something out of your finger, what would it be?

They can get comedones with certain hormonal conditions (black heads) and can get pimple-like lesions with skin infections. I would shoot icy cold water out of my fingers. Great for hot days, and for stupid faces.

Anonymous said: Do you typically bandage and cover amputations? At the vet I worked at (I was only kennel so everything I saw was in passing) every animal who had limb amputation left after a day or two with the incision fully bandaged. My dog had her hind leg amputated and the vet (different one) had her in and out in under three hours and sent her home unbandage. Just out of curiosity is it case by case that you decide to bandage? Gave my mom a little heart attack seeing her all bloody and swollen

We might but a light dressing over them, but in an amputation of anything more than a toe there's often not much to bandage. Limb amputations are typically very high up the limb in dogs and cats and it's hard to bandage something in that position. Also, sometimes dogs eat the dressing.

@crimsonrose95 said: I'm not vet med, but I am into chemistry and physical sciences and the ask talking about chemistry being inconsistent is so weird a thought to me. Biology is way less consistent than chemistry like chemistry is mostly math with elements and compounds while biology is mostly names. It's just really interesting how most people start to think a science they don't like and have trouble in is just the science being completely inconsistent to them. Me included.

I get what you mean. Chemistry has a fairly distinct set of rules, even if they're rules you've not encountered outide of chemistry before. I was never a fan of physics, but it is consistent. Biology likes to bend rules. Life finds a way.

Anonymous said: Why does my cat yell when I try to use the bathroom alone? Question tax: what's your favorite thing about Australia?

Possibly he thinks you need moral support? Or that there's demons in there. My favorite thing about Australia is our universal healthcare system and gun control.

@foxtrottarts said: How common is dewclaw removal in dogs, and what are the benefits/downsides?

Hind dewclaw removal is relatively common at the time of deseing, if they're the sort that flop all over the place and lack a boney attachment. Front dewclaws are usually left, unless removed for a medical reason. I've written about it before here. https://drferox.tumblr.com/search/dewclaw

Anonymous said: Can a dog still have the MDR1 gene if they have never reacted to those drugs in the past (lets says a dog that has regular flea prevention of selemectin)

If the dog has only had a popular flea product containing selamectin but has never had ivermectin, yes they could still have it. MDR1 dogs typically don't react to that product, nor do they react to the annual heartworm injection.

Anonymous said: Hello, I had a question as google only takes me but so far, and the results were iffy at best since it's difficult to locate a vet or someone in a position who would know the answer. How much of a danger is animal or human saliva to pet birds? Some people say kissing the bird, or having another pet such as a dog lick/groom them is an issue, but I'm just lost on if any is true, and would love to find the answer. Thanks a ton in advance since it's all pretty confusing.

It is a potential issue. Carnivore saliva contains many bacterial species that can be devastating to birds or other mammals even through relatively small abrasions. Carnivores should not be permitted to interact with prey species and birds. Cats are especially risky because they're so pointy and because they effectively coat themselves in saliva when grooming. You can find some more information here.

Anonymous said: Hi Dr. Ferox, we recently had to put our cat down due to health issues. We're pretty sure he had FIP as the last week of his life he had every symptom but one. A website we saw said the virus can live in the environment for weeks afterwards and I was wondering if you knew any sort of approximate time. We aren't ready for another cat yet but occasionally foster a kitten and don't want to bring one into the house and have it get sick

I typically reccomnd 4 months, and replacing bedding, litter trays and food dishes. While you are probably fine with 3 months, given the incurable and devestating nature of FIP (Feline Infection Peritonitis) I prefer to err on the side of caution.

@kumoi-no-hikari said: I got a couple rats a few months ago and the lady I bought them from mentioned that most vets don't know much about rats and will probably do more harm than good unless the situation is extreme. Is that true? They haven't had any issues, but I'm worried about traumatizing them or wasting money if they ever have a problem.

Some vets will certainly be better equiped or more interested in treating rats than others, but you'll only know if you call around and ask them. If they're not keen on seeing rats, they might know somebody who is. I think saying 'most vets don't know X' is unfair when you look at the diversity of vets in the world. Call around, plan for the worst ahead of time.

Anonymous said: Do you know how taxidermy works? I plan this route for my cat when she's passes, do I have to contact them before the body stiffens or position her first?

No idea. But I would contact them well in advance incase they have waiting lists or something. But I would think very carefully about whether taxidermy of a pet is something you definitely want.

Anonymous said: Hey there! What’s your favorite brand of stethoscope?

The Littman is what I use and have been very happy with my Classic II.

Anonymous said:Our poodle mix loved grabbing a mouthful of food then running to the living room to eat it - not necessarily to be near us, he just would eat over carpet. Sometimes we'd rearrange the living room so it wasn't a direct shot from the dining room and he'd still run around the furniture to eat there. He also once pooped one piece on each stair when we were gone all day for some unfathomable reason.

There is so much that could be going on there, but since you didn't seem to ask a question I'm not sure what you'd like me to say.

Anonymous said: On the topic if dog eating things they shouldn't. A shitzu swallowed the end of a large chew bone whole and when she puked It up it was about the size of my fist.

Little dogs often seem to overestimate what they can safely eat. Westies seem to be the worst for this though, and are a common breed to see for stuff getting stuck in their oesophagus.

Anonymous said: About people thinking vets are scammers, my family was so bad with this when I was a child. I remember I had a sick kitten, I was around 8, it had some lung issues and I begged and cried to vet it and my dad said "pray really really really hard to God every hour, and maybe he'll bring a miracle!" and the cat died the next day :( I get so LIVID when people refuse taking their pets to vets for stuff that cannot wait. Makes me wanna slap those people senseless!

Your Dad sounds like a lazy asshole and a cheapskate. Even if god existed, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't appreciate being dialed up for a miracle like a pizza delivery.

Anonymous said: i just wanted to tell you that i recently adopted an older orange tabby cat (dsh) and he is large. like not just fat (which we are working on), but unusually tall and long. like. maine coon size. he has so far used his size to swipe bacon off a kitchen counter and remain an effective roadblock. he's very calm and sweet, i love my big fat baby.

Congratulations on your new addition! I'm sure your big orange boy loves you back too.

@mise-en--place said: Thought you might appreciate this. We got records on a cat today and on a previous visit they stated; "BCS 5/9. Cat appears to be about 7lbs through the gloves and towel." We got a good laugh, cat was actually quite calm for her visit.

I received a history for my old cat Dippa who had once very badly bitten this other vet that only said "Appears healthy in cage. Vaccinated in cage. Dr Ferox is welcome to come and perform a dental on her own cat any time she likes." I took that to mean "I'm not touching this hellbeast. You deal with her."

[lifeinliminality]

BC/AD

I want to tell this story. I think it is important to tell, especially in this moment—when collectively we are straining against the changes wrought by a global pandemic.

Maybe I should start by saying that sometimes stories are something you’ve been working on in your life for years. You’ve crafted and cultivated it. Nurtured and pruned it to your liking. But this story was thrust upon me. This story began in an instant and I could do nothing but see it play out, catch up to its lightning speed pace, and hold on for dear life.

This story began on January 13, 2018 at approximately 11:30pm. It began with a sleeping child on a gurney in a hospital emergency room with his worried parents and a hesitant ER doctor.

While holding my sleeping child, I was given the worst news you could imagine: “He has blasts in his blood. When a child has these blasts it points to leukemia or lymphoma. We’ll be admitting your son tonight.” Cancer. Six letters that spell something life changing.

I remember a teacher once describing the difference between B.C. and A.D. when referring to dates in a history book. When I was a child, I used to think about it as “Before Christ” and “After Death” (meaning Christ’s death). I always thought it was such a strange and monumental way to mark time. Now, it doesn’t seem so strange. Our lives are literally divided into B.C., “Before Cancer” and A.D. “After Diagnosis.” But I’m getting ahead of myself.

For all we knew, our son was a healthy and happy almost three year old. He was a younger brother and would soon become a big brother—just two months prior to this night we had discovered we were pregnant with our third child. He liked Paw Patrol and playing soccer and other sports. An old soul from birth, our middle child both impressed and challenged my husband and I with his iron-strong will.

He had gotten a cold shortly before Christmas. But unlike before, he didn’t bounce back to his normal effervescent self. He got pale, was emotional, lost his appetite and after we spent the night of January 12th up every hour with him moaning, my husband decided to take him to the pediatric urgent care. I had to go to work that afternoon. I run a community wide children’s program in Montclair, New Jersey. My husband said he’d take both boys to the urgent care if he still wasn’t better after his afternoon nap. I met them there that evening after the event, in time to hold my son down while they fished around for a vein from which to draw blood. I hate getting blood drawn. When I was a child, I’d had to be held down because my younger brother was sick and they wanted to make sure I was okay. It traumatized me. But more than having my blood drawn, I hated having to be the one holding my child down for this. Little did I know that this would become a routine part of our existence.

While I waited with our middle son for the blood results, the other two hit up Smashburger in the strip mall next door. It was dinner time now and we were anticipating a rush once we left the urgent care to get our kids fed and ready for bed. Instead, the doctor came in and asked if there was someone local who could take care of our older son while we went to the pediatric emergency room. She was very specific: take him to [redacted for privacy]; no, you cannot go home and eat dinner with your children first. And don’t Google anything. I remember how strange that comment was—mostly because I didn’t even know what I would Google. She hadn’t told us anything about the blood results, only that we needed to go immediately to the Pediatric ER and that she’d called ahead.

We called our pastor, and his wife came over to stay with my oldest until my sister could get out to us from Long Island City.

My husband and I spent the 20-minute car ride to the emergency room trying to distract our two year old with his favorite song at the time: I’m Still Standing from the movie SING! An Elton John classic. It instantly became our mantra in the days ahead.

So there we were, the ER doctor just left the room after dropping the cancer bombshell us. I instantly started weeping, as did my husband. It was completely surreal. An orderly came in to wheel us up to the fifth floor of the hospital. We gathered our things. I was on the gurney with our still sleeping boy. It was after midnight now. January 14th. I don’t think I fully processed that leukemia was cancer until I saw the sign “Pediatric Hematology/Oncology” painted over the door we entered on the fifth floor. It was a waking nightmare.

We were 23 days in the hospital after his initial diagnosis. The first few days were a whirl of tests, surgeries and a steady rotation of doctors, nurses, and specialists. There was paperwork to sign: releasing the doctors and hospital of liability if something happened to our child when he was under sedation for a port placement, spinal tap, and chemo infusions. There was a social worker, a nutritionist, and a flurry of texts from family members and friends as we slowly put the word out.

Around day seven we got another bombshell—type 1 diabetes. Yep. We got a “two-fer.” So not only were we learning all we could about acute lymphoblastic leukemia and fielding calls, texts, and emails from family, friends, and friends of friends who knew someone with leukemia, but we were learning how to take blood glucose readings through “finger sticks,” calculate insulin to carbohydrate ratios, and give manual insulin injections to our son. Our son lost 9 pounds—which on a tiny toddler body renders a child gaunt. He started to associate finger sticks and shots with eating, so naturally, he stopped wanting to eat. They had to put an NG tube in—a tube that goes up the nose, down the back of the throat and esophagus directly into the stomach, so that we could give him Pediasure if he didn’t eat. He caught a cold somewhere around week two, which meant isolating him to his hospital room. He rarely smiled, he mostly slept and cried about taking the few oral medications he had to take daily. By the time of discharge, he could barely walk. His muscles had atrophied from being in bed for so long. Our once very active child couldn’t even climb the stairs at home or get up from a sitting position without assistance.

The day after we were discharged we were right back in the outpatient clinic at the hospital wrapping up the first of five cycles of what is called Frontline Treatment. Each cycle, outside of that first month is 60 days. But it isn’t necessarily a straight 60 days through. Continuing treatment is tied to how a child’s blood counts (red and white blood cells, platelets, and immune cells) are doing. If they are too low, they won’t continue treatment. If they are dangerously low, you’ll be spending a full day in the clinic getting a blood or platelet transfusion. Some cycles require weekly visits to clinic, some daily. Some cycles had four day hospital admittances. It was a tsunami of information and so many appointments to keep track of, along with his diabetic appointments and my OB appointments. And when we weren’t at clinic we were at home. Our son could no longer be in his daycare. We had to forego his friends’ birthday parties and play dates. It took our boy 11 months to finish Frontline Treatment.

The isolation felt overpowering at times. The parts of life we had to give up, the ways we had to change our routines to protect his fragile immune system. We were in survival mode and mostly just trying to get through each day. He hit remission in May 2018. But while he had no detectable cancer cells in his blood, it didn’t mean there weren’t any—and we would have to complete three more years of treatment.

Fast forward to March 2020. Our son has been in what is called “long-term maintenance” for a little over two years (meaning 14 months more until we are off of treatment). He’s been thriving: back at school, managing his meds well, his endocrinology team has been very happy with how we’ve managed his diabetes amidst chemotherapy and steroid treatments . . .

We’d been increasingly worried about what we were hearing in the news about a novel virus: COVID-19. We pulled our middle child out of school a couple of days before the state stepped in and mandated stay in place orders. Suddenly, the whole world was navigating a BC/AD moment: Before Coronavirus/After Disease. Everyone’s lives were instantly changed; families were having to adjust their routines for a huge unknown. Gloves and masks and disinfectant: a norm in our lives for two years now, were becoming household staples.

During our son’s frontline treatment we did not have to follow recent practices to the extreme, but since the stay in place orders, so many of our friends and family have been reaching out. “So this is what this was like.” Yes. Yes, this is a lot like what we have navigated since our son was diagnosed with leukemia. It’s hard, right?

It is hard. And the collective grief that we are all processing as a result of losing jobs, daily routines, a sense of control, and even loved ones can be overwhelming at times. But always, always amidst the darkness, there is light. There is joy and gratitude that can be cultivated and expressed. There are acts of selflessness and generosity to be witnessed and to perform. This is the “brutiful” gift of a situation like this. And really, this is an opportunity to pause and take stock of what is essential to our human existence and to a life well lived.

Nobody asked for this. Nobody wants it. But we find ourselves in the midst of it anyway. What we do and how we hold space in this time is what will matter moving forward. It will be part of our story. That is all I can offer you. In these BC/AD moments, there isn’t a simple solution or even a lot of answers. But I do know this, we will make it through. Life moving forward will not be the same. It can’t be. But we will find our new normal. My hope? That the new normal will mean that we seek and cultivate community more. That we realize we have all been helped by others and that we NEED others to make it through this life. That we have more generosity and compassion for one another because we are more aware that we’ve all been through some shit. Selah.

[covid19updater]

COVID19 Updates: 07/23/2020

US: RUMINT/Analysis: Critical Update 07.23.2020 This is only the beginning. This morning I took the time to pour over on the ground reports from an especially hard hit area of Texas. It is a town of about 350,000 people that I'm very familiar with as I lived there for 5 years and still own property there although I haven't been there in about 5 years now. Despite it being a very backward and uneducated place, this town issued a stay at home order and was conducting temperature checks before there was a single case of COVID in the county. The first confirmed case was on March 21st. Local experts were predicting a peak in April and that by June, there would be virtually no cases. Fast forward to July- for the past several weeks the town has been consistently reporting 300-500 new cases a day and 8 people in the town are dying every day this month from the virus. Doctors and members of the police force have been lost to the virus. Lines of cars go on for miles at testing sites. Medical staff in full PPE- body suits with tape, face shields, n95 mask with a surgical mask on top of that. Many people are low income even before the shutdown ravaged the economy. The only shopping mall is now a meal distribution center where the lines of cars waiting for food are just as long as the ones at the testing sites. It is unclear how the virus spiraled out of control in this town which is almost 3 hours away from any other city. As much as I loath the place, ostensibly they did everything right from the very beginning before there was ever a known case of the virus. It seems like you can run but you can't hide from this thing. For as much disruption to daily life as it is causing, it has only burned through 2% of the population. By my calculations, even as quickly as the situation has spiraled out of control there, it will take 4 more years to reach a point of herd immunity at this rate, if that is even possible with this virus. From everything I'm seeing, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Everything we have seen and experienced so far is just one tenth of what is to come. Supply chains are already spotty, local budgets are spent and within the next week the economy will implode with bankruptcies and the end of stimulus benefits. Regional hotspots are on the verge of erupting into conflict. Economic strain and resource scarcity are all it will take to shove things off the cliff. Those places that haven't been hit very hard by the virus won't be spared, they are just waiting for their turn in the barrel.

World: New England Journal of Medicine: Antibodies Mild Infections: 73 Day Half-lifeRapid Decay of Anti–SARS-CoV-2 Antibodies in Persons with Mild Covid-19 LINK

World: Structural basis for translational shutdown and immune evasion by the Nsp1 protein of SARS-CoV-2 LINK

Japan: Report of a #COVID19 cluster in a childcare centre in Tokyo, comprising 2 adults and 20 children.

Florida: COVID-19 in Florida Microbe The latest report from @HealthyFla is out. There’s 173 new deaths reported, which is a record. Our two-week moving average for daily deaths is well over 100 per day. We were at 39 on July 1. New cases (10,249) and % positive (12.31%) also increased. And Florida dept of health reports covid death of 9 year old from Putnam County FL. Putnam County Health Officer Mary Garcia confirmed the fatality to CNN on Wednesday and said she was unaware of any underlying medical conditions in the girl's case.

RUMINT/Analysis: here is what i see at the moment. it is not much really. The local governs. have to keep the economy moving to get paid the sales taxes. they already lost enuf from the 1st lockdowns to growl to the states for $$.thius is why they want schools open. with both parents working,the local govern's see double the income. won't work that way. but is their theory. this is another "kick the can down the road plan". here is the problems. 1 is not enuf $$ to make up for the lost time. not enuf items to sell to bring in the sales tax.CHINA still dead in the water means no goods being sentg to stores. the local govern will still b short $$ since they lost months of tax $$ already. how long before this is an issue? best bet is going to b layoff local govern workers so they get kicked to the state UI dept. this won't buy much time. can they get to spring financially? think the local govern's have different fiscal years than the normal taxpayer or calendar year. we have xmas in the middle. how bad are things and how much does the state and local govern really know? NOV-DEC is the biggest shopping mths to bring in that sales tax. however, u do not want to p*ss the ppl off and panic them in these mths either.unless Santa has a magic wharehouse, where do all the goods come from to sell? based on waht we know and the DR report, the lockdown has to occur in Oct at the latest. farther than that will lead to riots and the govern losing control over the ppl. i don't think there is enuf supply to buy them into JAN. now since it is an election year, can they kick the can into NOV a week or 2? will TPTB do that if the DEMS are losing the election? tipping popint seems to b between mid OCT to mid NOV. all depends what TPTB decide is their best move with the election. watch for "flue season" to start as soon as schools open. expect death counts for OCT. expect the situation to b 50-100x as bad as now.

US: The coronavirus threatens auto industry recovery as cases rise and more employees miss work LINK

UK: Covid-19: England could need another lockdown in winter, say government’s chief advisers. LINK

Australia: Melbourne lockdown could last until Christmas as state battles coronavirus cases LINK

RUMINT (Texas): Yeah just saw a verified report that in the McAllen area it is killing entire families. Local funeral place there is doing 3 funerals a day. They did so many this week that their backhoe broke down and workers are now digging graves by hand with shovels.

California: California reporting 157 dead in the last day, biggest daily deaths since pandemic began

World: Scientists discover coronavirus in the EARS of two dead Covid-positive patients as studies suggest hearing loss may be a rare symptom of the infection. Another study on 20 symptomless patients, with no history of hearing problems found that hearing abilities worsened after the infection had passed

Georgia: ~4,300 new cases (3rd highest daily), and it's not bc testing is up. Testing is down, but the positive % is 17.1%. Current hospitalizations remain ~same while new hospitalizations up 431 (3rd highest).

US: UNITED STATES - 2,600 new cases per hour. Cases of coronavirus contamination exceeded 4 million on Thursday, with an average of more than 2,600 new infections per hour.

Florida: Level 5 emergency” in Florida — 6,700 nursing home residents & staff infected with coronavirus in July. The 129% rise is blamed on major delays in getting COVID19 test results & letting people enter facilities WITHOUT proof they’re not infected. LINK

US: About 40 percent of U.S. adults are at risk for severe COVID complications LINK

World: Coronavirus can travel 26 feet in rooms with cold, stale air—like meat plants LINK

US: Trump cancels in-person Republican convention in Jacksonville, Florida LINK

RUMINT (Hong Kong): Hk update Record cases two days in a row It’s out of control in city City is shutting down again and schools have no opening date Today large groups in supermarkets some panic buying  Acute bed shortages in hospitals Hk Government has ample reserves but lacks common sense and keeps making blunders like kept boarders open , not strictly quarantine people Still no mass testing and test results takes several days and people are moving about  Social distancing was a joke in hk and now we have major clusters This so called second wave is just starting  Most people who can are working from home  Hk maybe couple of months ahead of rest of world for second wave Be warned and prepare for 3-6 months bug out supplies

World: Huge: Masks LOWER SEVERITY of COVID too! Masks definitely reduce transmission, but scientist now think that MASKS CAN ALSO MAKE ILLNESS MILDER. How? masks may limit the dose of virus people get, & result in less severe symptoms of illness. on evidence.

RUMINT: FWIW, My bank branch was closed due to Covid exposure. The phone number taped to the door linked to someone who had worked there b4 the covid closure. They were at another branch in the process of closing it due to exposure. I had to wait 10 minutes w/o a guarantee of non-exposure to put some items into my safety deposit box. They drove to the branch to let me in...God only knows what it would take if more branches are closed and no one to retrieve items. Just passing it on. This shit is real.

Texas: COVID-19 patients will be ‘sent home to die’ if deemed too sick, Texas county says LINK

California: Dozens of top influencers gathered for a massive Hype House birthday party despite record COVID-19 numbers in California LINK

World: COVID19 Projections based on machine learning LINK

[yoyoplisetsky]

I was sick for like half of this week which probably explains why this list is so long? Unfortunately didn’t write much, bc a lot of what i’m doing is behind the scenes stuff with no visible results rn (working on my shitbang fic, working on a few things that I haven’t finished yet). However, I read like 20+ super amazing fics??? As always, pls rec me any you’ve written/enjoyed, because I want to read them so much!! 

What I Read This Week (7/9-7/16)

I Don’t Know ‘Bout Me but I Know About You - ouroboros - @ouroborosbites - Set at the GPF a year-ish pre-canon. JJ, having a sexuality crisis, propositions Victor, who, having not found his direction through Yuuri yet, is enough of a mess to accept. (My review: JJ/Viktor? And I enjoyed it? No, seriously, surprisingly good!!)

Let Me Sail Across the Sea for there is Never One Who Loved You More Than Me - tothebatcave53 - @tothebatcave53 - Victor has always loved the ocean, he is drawn to it's beauty and it's power. He sets out, a simple day in a simple boat with a simple desire to just exist in peace out in the ocean. When Victor wakes it is to the turmoil of the waves, desperate to sink him and his tiny boat into it's murky depths. It is only the most beautiful hallucination that keeps Victor sane in what he assumes are his last moments. (My review: AHHHH guys i always need mermaid aus i’m fricken screaming this one is so a+ everyone read it)

i’m someone you maybe might love - xylophones - @xyloophones -  Viktor sighs. “It’s nothing. It’s just––you never look at me like this.” / “How am I looking at you?” / “Like I’m someone special. Like I’m someone you might love.” / Yuuri frowns. “You are someone I love.” / Viktor shakes his head and laughs, just on this side of bitter. “Not like that, Yuuri.” / (Or: Viktor is not as observant as he thinks he is.) (My review: this is a super precious high school au that i would suggest to everyone because it’s so many amazing tropes wrapped up in one fic)

come with me and escape - La_Temperanza - @teekettle - Viktor meets a hypnotizing stranger dancing in the club and, well, things just naturally progress from there. (My review: hooooo boy nsfw viktuuri week is a Treat. yes. i love this. this is a good trope)

For Your Eyes Only - opalish - tumblr unknown (pls tell me if you know?) - Yuuri once told Victor that Phichit was the only foreign skater he considered a friend. Yuuri lied. He's been Seung-gil's dirty little secret for well over a year. (My review: O H MY GOD so that art of seunggil and yuuri being friends is one of my favorites so i’m ??? so glad someone acted on it)

black box (Ch. 1) - SKnight - @sephknight​ - The entire world is thrown into madness when all the best actors team up for a new TV show about... skating? Doesn't matter, all the fans know is that this means roughly 273.15% more ice cube jokes, the potential resurrection of some dead memes, and 9999% more Victuuri to scream about and die from. The fans have been thirsty for more Katsuki-Nikiforov co-starred content since 2011, and this oncoming show about ice could just be the thing to quench that thirst. ...Oh god, the bad jokes are already starting. (My review: look we all know i have a Thing for fics with fake social media and this one is ALL fake social media so i’m pumped to see more)

third time lucky - katsukiy - @yuriplisetsk​ - This year, for Tanabata, Viktor decided to wish for something a little different. (My review: not even double but Triple yuuri!!! oh god we all know here that i have a Thing for multiples, but this is so good)

Dinner For Two - Yuripaws - @yuripaws​  - Viktor dreams of two delicious bowls of katsudon only to find that he isn't invited to dinner. But he is invited to the show. (My review: MORE. DOUBLE. YUURI. guys i’ll never be sick of this trope and this one is so a+ with our desperate viktor mmm yes)

love’s not a competition (but i’m winning) (Ch. 1) - LittleLostStar, spookyfoot - @iwritevictuuri​, @katsukiyuuristrophyhusband​ - Victor Nikiforov is the leader of the best burlesque revue in the city, and well on his way to achieving his dream goal of a Upper-Level Lesser Kardashian-level stardom, complete with his own reality TV show. So when rival burlesque dancer Yuuri Katsuki scoops Victor's theme night and refuses to back down (or fire those hips that will not quit), it doesn't take long before war is declared—a tense and glittery battle featuring anarchic stagehands, orange light gels, fake eyelashes...and some occasional hate-sex that may not be hate-sex at all. (My review: give me more glitter or give me death! you can expect nothing else from spooky and star than just the absolute best and that’s this.)

Here Comes The Sun - henrywinter (bakkhant) - @bakkhanalia​ - Written for YOI Catfish Prompt Party 2017, for the prompt ‘apocalypse au with it being their last day on earth!’. This...probably isn't what you wanted. (My review: ahh such a cool au!! i love the take on the prompt they had and it was so well written :))

Partner, Let Me Upgrade You (Series - Parts 1-4, Ch. 1-6 (Part 1), Ch. 1-2 (Part 3) - cuttlemefish - @cuttlemefishwrites​ - Z’s Popstar AU (My review: z, i was going to rec all of these individually but then my rec list would hvae gone on for like 50 years. but asfkl; i finally got around to reading it and i’m dying for my Extra sons)

Baby, I’m Preying on You Tonight (Ch. 8) - cuttlemefish - @cuttlemefishwrites​ - Yuuri and Phichit registered and named the pet shop when they were drunk. They didn’t exactly expect it to become the most popular pet shop in Seattle. (It was only supposed to be a front to fund Phichit’s (undercover) animal rescue missions.) Enter Viktor Nikiforov, the man with the pink Cadillac and the giant brown poodle (that's stolen Yuuri's heart), and Yuuri might have lost his mind, because apparently he keeps flirting with a client – and he never even notices. (My review: the jjs will never cease to slay me. viktor and chris especially cute in this chapter)

patellofemoral pain syndrome (Ch. 3) - seventhstar - @pencilwalla​ - It’s just…does Viktor not get bored with doing it the same way every night? Doesn’t he want to spice things up? Is Yuuri being unreasonable? He’s pretty sure that if Viktor told him his performance in bed was unsatisfying his soul would flee his body for a more merciful plane of existence, but…Viktor is thicker-skinned than he is. And so here they are. Viktor’s bed is wide and soft, and Yuuri is lying there with wet hair and ratty boxers while Viktor absently trails kisses over his shoulder. It’s nice. It’s soft. It’s good. Viktor’s headboard is enormous and Yuuri keeps thinking about Viktor’s wrists bound to it, black rope over white skin. Fuck. He should say something. (My review: mmm arthritis porn except nuri didn’t give me porn this chapter)

conjecture - seventhstar - @pencilwalla​ - The first is that he and his new husband are now alone, and will continue to be alone until they reach Yu-topia. Yuuri has never been gregarious, and finds it difficult to make prolonged conversation with strangers at parties; he dreads having to speak to Viktor for so many hours. If his aunt’s description of him is accurate, the only thing they have in common is a love for money, and that is hardly wedding night conversation. The second is that when Yuuri finally looks at Viktor, rather than looking anywhere but directly at him as he has been, he realizes that Viktor is… (My review: have i mentioned that i love this series? i have, but.... it’s just,,, so good.)

By Anointment Only - La_Temperanza - @teekettle​ - He starts with the feet.It makes the most sense. After all, a figure skater’s greatest commodity is often their feet, taking the brunt of the damage required to hone their craft. He knows whatever tender loving care he gives now isn't enough to erase years of self-inflicted abuse, not in a single session. But it doesn't mean he's not going to at least try.So, Viktor starts with the feet. But the thing is, he rarely gets much further than that. (My review: FOOT FETISH i hate feet and this story was still a+)

The Katsulanont Guide to Surviving College (Rice Cooker Required) - xylophones - @xyloophones - It’s Phichit’s fault. It’s always Phichit’s fault. (Or: A friendship told through three hamsters, a rice cooker, and the resurrected trade-and-barter system.) (My review: i think i laughed like 3/4 of this story it’s just,,, so in character for them and ridiculous)

Colored Pencils and Markers - RainyTea - @rainyteawrites - Viktor finds Yuuri’s poster collection, but there’s another surprise in there too. (My review: yuuri’s poster collection with a twist ;) ;) loved it)

Wanted: Skating Lessons - slightlied - @forovnix​ - Wanted: Skating Lessons / Hi. I am Victor and I need to learn how to skate before Saturday. My parents have been paying for me to get skating lessons every week for the last fifteen years but I never actually attended any of the lessons and I spent the money on marble busts instead. Now they want me to perform to ‘Stammi Vicino’ at their wedding anniversary on Saturday. / If you can teach me, be here at Ice Castle tomorrow at 7:27am with an extra pair of skates. I am a fast learner (well, at least my dog Makkachin is–it took me only two weeks to teach him how to roll over) so I am pretty sure I will pick it up quickly. In return, I can teach you how to say some pick-up lines in Russian or tell you some facts about my love life. Whichever you prefer. Not both, though. / Yours sincerely,  / Victor / PS. I’m a size 8 --- Or, Yuuri answers an ad he sees on Ice Castle's community board. (My review: THIS WAS PRECIOUS asdfjkl i loved it so much and i know it’s been around for a while but i just found it and like,,, i’m glad i did)

Meet Your Idol! - RoseusJaeger - @roseus-jaeger​ - Ryuugazaki Rei has been a fan of Katsuki Yuuri since he was in grade school, admiring his beauty and grace on the ice. It's Katsuki's last season on the ice before his marriage to Victor Nikiforov and Rei would do anything for an autograph before his official retirement... or at least he thought until his boyfriend, Nagisa Hazuki, actually plots to get him an autograph at the NHK Cup. (My review: what you probably sort of know about me is that i love free! so this was a great read and roseus did so well with all of the character and i loved it)

(Let’s Get Married) At First Sight - cuttlemefish - @cuttlemefishwrites​ - Yuuri is just your average medical resident trying to survive an emergency room rotation at a large, city hospital, when a perfectly gorgeous stranger interrupts his after-work coffee break with the assumption that Yuuri is his blind date. What’s Yuuri to do? – Pretend he’s definitely on a blind date, too! Or, the "I know you're on a blind date and I'm not the right guy, but it's been a while and now I don't know how to tell you that you sat at the wrong table. Call me?" AU. (My review: this is so super precious asfdsljlk i love that yuuri just went for it instead of correcting him)

He Just Up and Ran Away (So I’m Never Going Back) (Ch. 1-2) - cuttlemefish - @cuttlemefishwrites - The back of the silver card reads Fantasies by Lilia, and Viktor lets his thumb brush over it with intense scrutiny. The name on the front winks at him with the glint of danger: Alex. “Oh, Yuuri, are you cheating on me?” Viktor whispers to himself, crumbling on the bed with the onslaught of a panic attack. Yuuri is Viktor’s everything; the first boyfriend he’s had in almost a decade, after years spent too busy lost between circuitry and code. But then he notices that there’s a stack of similar looking cards that read Celeste, Adrian, Robert, Michael, and Yuuri. All of them read Fantasies by Lilia. Or, welcome to the story in which Viktor discovers his boyfriend Yuuri is a high-class escort who takes on different identities and lives for different clients, including Viktor, who thought he was saving a stripper by putting a ring on his finger. (My review: i hvae read like maybe 1 escort au in this fandom bc i’m always very,,, eh about it but i’ll try anything z does nad it’s??? so good)

Katsuki’s Pet Needs (Ch. 1) - nerdlife4eva - @n3rdlif343va - Yuuri Katsuki owns a small pet store in a little town on the coast. He loves running his own business, and especially loves Sundays when his best friend, Phichit, runs adoption events for his animal rescue organization in his store. Victor Nikiforov has always wanted a dog, excitedly attending the scheduled pet adoption hoping to find his first furever friend. Another universe where these two find each other, this time with a little help from the brown fluff of Makkachin herself. (My review: THIS IS VERY PRECIOUS. if you want shameless fluff, read this!!)

Hunter of Eros (Ch. 4-5) - LalodyBear - @lalody - Lord Eros is perhaps the oldest of all living vampires and a legend among hunters. For thousands of years no-one has been able to slay him and stop his evil reign. Victor Nikiforov is the greatest hunter to have ever lived. ~ After seemingly endless sightings of newborn vampires appearing across Japan, Yakov's hunters are sent to put a stop to it. During a hunt, Victor Nikiforov has his first ever innocent witness to a slaying - Yuuri Katsuki, an utterly adorable local. After being cornered into staying with the group of Russian hunters, Yuuri just prays Victor doesn't find out his secret and slay him in his sleep. (My review: ahh it’s been so long since this updated, and i’m so glad i’m patient because i love this au so much. i don’t even care it took so long like ?? take that long always if you’re gonna give me quality content like that (which i’m sure you will))

What I Wrote This Week (7/9-7/16) (nothing on ao3, only tumblr this week)

the latin fic (I’m a shameless classics major)

the headcanon posts (Cary’s excuse to write crack fics while disguising them as headcanons)

the gum fic (#MoreExtraThanExtra)

[self-diagnosed-hypochondri-blog1]

I was tagged by @supermassiveironthrone, apologies for taking so long to get round to it, I’m smack bang in the middle of exams so don’t have much free time 

Rules: Complete the survey and say who tagged you in the beginning. When you finished tag 5 people to do this survey. Have fun and enjoy!!

1: Are you named after someone? I don’t think so? There’s a Tobias in the bible (and my parents are christians) so it could be that, but my full name is just Toby so I doubt it.

2: When was the last time you cried? Probably quite recently, but my memory is so shockingly bad that I can’t remember what I got up to yesterday. (If in doubt I probably cried listening to one of my ghibli playlists, they carry a lot of nostalgia for me)

3: Do you like your handwriting? Idk really, I don’t like or dislike it for the most part. When I’m taking my time to write I enjoy how it looks but normally only I can decipher it

4: What is your favourite lunch meat? If the sandwich is toasted/grilled/etc then probably salami bc it goes so well with melted cheese 

5: Do you have kids? Not that I’m aware of!

6: If you were another person, would you be friends with you?  I’d like to say yes, but my brain is getting so confused trying to picture myself as someone with a completely different personality/likes/wants etc that I can’t say at all. I guess I have some good traits? who knows

7: Do you use sarcasm? I used to use it a lot more when I was in secondary school but I don’t think I use it much now.

8: Do you still have your tonsils? ye boi

9: Would you bungee jump? I don’t really see the appeal of plummeting 60 feet off a bridge, supported by a piece of elastic and getting whiplash on the way back up, so probably not

10: What is your favourite kind of cereal? Krave, every day of the week

11: Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? No and then I always get annoyed that the laces are done up. what can I say, I’m a fool

12: Do you think you’re a strong person? Probably like average physically, emotionally and mentally very strong for the most part but there are times when my ADHD gets me down (today I walked 30 mins to my supermarket to do my food shop, spent an hour finding everything, and then got to checkout and realised i’d left my card in my flat-that drained me of all my motivation)

13: What is your favourite ice cream flavour? Raspberry/Strawberry ice cream

14: What is the first thing you notice about people? Their eyes I think, which makes sense

15: Red or pink? both? I prefer darker tones of red and lighter shades of pink, I don’t like bold so much

16: What is your least favourite physical thing about yourself? My dodgy heart? I have WPW which sucks but idk if that counts as physical bc I assume it means like on the outside, so my wrists? It’s a weird one but they’re too skinny :(

17: What colour pants and shoes are you wearing now? I’m in bed so tartan PJs and no shoes

18: What was the last thing you ate? Big bowl of angel delight bc student living

19: What are you listening to right now? Common sense by J Hus

20: If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? purple pls

21: Favourite smell? The ground after it’s rained 

22: Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? my mum

23: Favourite sport to watch? I’m a big football fan so football 

24: Hair colour? light brown? It’s so boring i kinda wanna dye it but don’t know what colour would suit me

25: Eye colour? blue-green

26: Do you wear contacts? I have about 200 pairs from when I decided to try them out and ended up only wearing them about 30 times, I’ve got new glasses now so no need for them

27: Favourite food to eat? This is the worst question, food is probably the best thing in the world and there’s so much to choose from. That being said, if i ever see takoyaki on a menu then I will immediately order them. Same goes for most seafood.

28: Scary movies or comedy? comedy

29: Last movie you watched? The Princess Diaries?  don’t question it

30: What colour of shirt are you wearing? I don’t sleep with a shirt on, but I wore a dark red shirt today

31: Summer or winter? I lowkey hate both bc they both screw up my eczema and it gets really bad in the cold/hot, but if I had to choose, probably winter bc there’s nothing worse than being really hot and sweaty and exhausted from the heat. (Autumn/spring are still miles better though) 

32: Hugs or kisses? probably kisses bc too much physical contact can stress me out (thanks again ADHD) but I like hugging if I’m initiating it

33: What book are you currently reading? Just finished Night Watch by Terry Pratchett last night, and am about to start on Guards! Guards!. 

34: Who do you miss right now? Rn I’m in a very chill mood so no-one really at this moment in time

35: What is on your mouse pad? I don’t have one on account of not having a mouse for my computer

36: What is the last TV program you watched? Cutthroat Kitchen, it’s my guilty pleasure and I love every episode

37: What is the best sound? Rain falling/soft music

38: Rolling Stones or The Beatles? Neither, the Beatles are overrated imo and I don’t really listen to the Rolling Stones 

39: What is the furthest you have ever traveled? Jamaica with my family, but furthest I’ve been on my own is France for a week

40: Do you have a special talent? I play guitar and piano, if that counts. Oh and I have really stretchy skin. Like really really stretchy, I can hold a lot of food in my cheeks as a result

41: Where were you born? Guys Hospital, London! 

42: People you expect to participate in this survey? I haven’t had many new mutuals bar @supermassiveironthrone who tagged me, and I feel like I tag some of my other mutuals a lot but I’ll tag anyway,

@mooniva I assume you’ve been tagged in this already but there you go anyway, apologies to @jii-chan, @spinxtheminx, @anxious-demiboy-demigod, @sjwmothman

feel no need whatsoever to answer this if you’re sick of these haha