#while romeo is a fucking moron and ends up turning on juliet after she abandons him

[lucky-clover-gazette]

no i'm remembering an entire romeo and juliet adaptation story concept i had a few years back where it's in a kind of arrested development esque setting, modern wealthy families full of mostly shitty people. there's a huge capulet inheritance that college age juliet is supposed to share with her cousin rosaline, but juliet pulls a gone girl and disappears both herself and romeo WITH all the money, so rosaline has to play detective and track them down with the help of a gender non-conforming/nonbinary paris (because shakespeare) and it's like a buddy detective domestic thriller comedy with maybe romance or not i didn't get that far

[shakespesre]

things i did not like about beauty and the beast (2017)

oh man am i in the minority in this situation (also this list is comically long) spoilers, obviously

honestly

most of it

during the opening sequence with the enchantress as she was narrating the prince’s actions didn’t match with what she was saying (like he didn’t dismiss her again or beg forgiveness even though the enchantress is saying he did) details like that irk me

also the whole “guys who wear makeup are somehow morally destitute” trope needs to die

the staging of belle made the town feel like its a half an acre big which made for some awful blocking

it just looked really repetitive in terms of staging like there was nowhere to go because the set wasn’t big enough

belle talking to the minister about the books was short and dispassionate

emma watson can’t sing to save her life

the little robot following her around fixing her voice the entire movie should be paid good money

ok i get that making belle the inventor is supposed to be “empowering” but it goes nowhere??

the hill she runs up during the belle reprise is cgi af and it doesn’t feel right??

honestly you couldn’t have found an actual hill

also the fact that maurice being captured was happening concurrently w the number and the sky being all dark made the wonder and longing of it all weaker

i know it’s in the original fairy tale but honestly why did they bring back the rose stealing as the inciting incident for the beast to punish maurice

it makes very little sense

especially given that maurice took A Rose from what he assumed was an abandoned castle

how did maurice get back to the village? like we see at the end that belle has the horse

BIG ONE RIGHT HERE

why did lumiere and cogsworth show belle to her room instead of the beast???

why would you cut the first interactions between your main characters that actually establishes a connection between them?!!?

the west wing loses some of its gravitas bc of this too

and like????? the beast never even considered that belle would be the one to break the spell?????? WHY NOT????? DUDE???????? YOU MORON even the original beast considered that!!! he’s actually lampshading you all the way back from 1991

but the “this way to the east wing. or as i like to call it the Only Wing!” line was funny i laughed at that

audra mcdonald deserved more to do and to sing

mrs potts looked creepy As Fuck

idk the “come down to dinner” scene was played kind of seriously this time and i get why but i think cutting to inside the room changes the dynamic a bit like in the original you never even see belle and she holds all the power but this is a nitpick

why did they cut to black after be our guest??? did the editor lose a bet or something??

gaston was a fun number but the cuts were absolutely nonsensical

like

you could barely get a feel for the space it took up

they don’t cut to any kind of demonstration of gaston using “antlers in all of his DECoratING” which kind of tells you all you need to know about how bad this movie was at visual storytelling

so many composers and lyricists write music to visuals and there aren’t sufficient visuals to bolster the gaston number

and it felt kind of overcrowded? maybe that one’s just me

the plot just seriously drags

the fact that we spent so much time with kevin kline and gaston out “searching” for belle kind of slowed the movie down a lot

as did the whole “attempted murder” thing

so gaston blows up and tells maurice he’s only helping look for belle bc he wants to marry her

and maurice is like “my daughter is never gonna marry someone like you you’re an asshole!!”

and then gaston punches him in the face and leaves him to die in the woods tied to a tree

and then this miserly old beggar lady comes and saves him and has him accuse gaston of attempted murder

the entire thing is completely unnecessary

back to the enchanted castle

was it just me or did belle not even get that close to the rose? like the animated belle took the case off and was literally about to touch the actual plant and in this one she like brushed the table with her hand

the wolf scene was fine

they lifted the dialogue from the patch up scene directly from the 1991 film except without any of the energy or emotion

also the prince’s backstory is like?? really thin???

the fact that it was literally just inserted into the plot so he and belle could have a “dead moms” connection is so flimsy

they take this random subplot and roll with it instead of actually taking more time to develop belle and the beast as romantic interests

ANOTHER PROBLEM

ok so like the beast was somehow really hurt by the wolf attack right?

so he kind of drifts in and out of sleep for a while and one time he wakes up and belle is reading to him

AND THEN OHHHH AND THEN

HE MANSPLAINS ROMEO AND JULIET TO HER

AND HE GIVES HER THE LIBRARY BECAUSE HE THINKS THAT ANYTHING IN THERE IS BETTER THAN WHAT SHE LIKES

COME ON

WHAT THE FUCK

THATS SO CONDESCENDING

WAY TO UNDERMINE A SWEET MOMENT THAT SHOWS EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENT BETWEEN YOUR TWO ROMANTIC LEADS

the new song days in the sun is pretty but combining the servants desires with belle’s make for some conflicting messages

they actually sing something there?

like move their mouths sing

this is another nitpick but like i always thought something there was their internal monologue and it feels weird to see them actually sing them idk

THE BOOK

OOOOOHHHHH THE BOOK

belle and the beast are talking and he’s like “LETS RUN AWAY TOGETHER!!!”

what

ok movie i’ll bite where are we running away to

so the enchantress for some damn reason decides to give the beast a magic book that can take him anywhere he wishes to go

why??? who knows????? certainly not the movie!!!

and he’s like to belle “think of where ever you want to go and we’ll go there just 4 u!!!!!” despite the fact that he literally just said that the world wouldn’t accept him as a beast

so they go to this little house in a Goddamn windmill on the outskirts of bohemian paris

it’s cramped and dark and drenched in a blue filter so you can’t actually see anything

and it’s this useless detour about how belle’s mom died

and it connects to nothing it’s not a plot twist or some big reveal it’s just that she died of the plague

there wasn’t even any emotional backing to it because belle didn’t know anything about her mother because maurice never told her

like if belle had thought maurice just walked out on her mother and resented him for it this twist would have some emotional significance

but that’s not the case

the ballroom scene looks really awkward

like the beast looks especially computer generated here and that doesn’t help the fact that emma watson expresses almost nothing during the entire dance

the whole “you must go to him” scene goes way too fucking fast and there’s no time for the emotions of that scene to actually breathe and release

she rides off in the (ugly) yellow dress which is another nitpick but looks weird

WHY IS SHE IN SUCH A RUSH YOU COULD JUST USE THE BOOK

evermore grinds the momentum of the narrative to a fucking halt

and i swear to god if this wins an oscar for best song while how far i’ll go lost i will dissolve the entire academy of motion picture arts and sciences myself

just love yourself and listen to if i can’t love her it’s honestly a much better song

the part where gaston is hyping up the crowd to go kill the beast progresses in a similar way to the “you must go to him” scene

gaston decides that the beast is a threat to them before he realizes belle has feelings for him which again undercuts the original emotion of the scene

the gaston vs the beast fight feels a whole lot less personal

like

in such a way that gaston is a good 40 feet from belle and the beast when he shoots him

there is no intimacy no emotion in how gaston mortally wounds the beast because he’s literally a Chasm away from them

the beast yelling "I AM NOT A BEAST" to gaston was the hammiest thing in the movie

they just really hate subtext don't they

AND ANOTHER THING

HOOOOOHHH BOY

the enchantress is the old lady who helped maurice when he was left to die in the woods

and yes she’s still dicking around in the forest for???? some reason?????

the beast dies

straight up dies

and the servants have this tragic goodbye sequence where they all turn inanimate it’s the most emotional scene in the film

belle’s love didn’t save them

she doesn’t say “i love you” and the last petal of the rose falls and they all either die/become inanimate

THE ENCHANTRESS JUST COMES IN AND FIXES EVERYTHING?????

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT DOES?

THAT MAKES THE ROSE TIMELINE COMPLETELY SUPERFLUOUS

THE ENCHANTRESS HAS BEEN IN!! THE!! VILLAGE!! THE ENTIRETY OF THE CURSE

SHE COULD CHANGE HIM BACK WHENEVER SHE WANTED

in the original there was this finality to it and this hopelessness of being cursed by magic that isn’t understandable but permanent and that there is only One Way To Break It

the fact that the enchantress is the one to break the spell and not The Power Of Love undercuts the entire intended parable of the original fairy tale, animated movie, and WHAT THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE WAS SAYING

also the fact that she’s there makes the entire transformation less intimate???

like there’s this third old woman creeping up in the background watching them when belle and the beast are supposed to be at the height of their emotional connection

also the transformation itself was kind of hard to follow visually like i don’t even think there was a clear shot of his face

the growl wasn’t hot

i didn’t even notice it when i saw it in the theatre

you all need to get laid

why didn’t they just let audra fucking mcdonald sing the final end version of beauty and the beast

also the actual timeline the movie took place over was strange?

someone can clarify this with me if they want i’m genuinely curious

the prince when he’s cursed is played by dan stevens so like it couldn’t have been more than? five years that he was a beast?

and then when the plot with belle starts, the opening number happens, maurice leaving, belle rejecting gaston, the belle reprise, maurice’s wolf chase scene, the prisoner switch, and the gaston number all seem to take place within a 48 hour timespan

^^^ this is all pretty much the same for the animated movie there’s no problem with that

be our guest and all new added numbers (along with the come down to dinner scene and belle’s wolf chase scene) all happen sometime around here too

but my issue is at the end of gaston where maurice asks if someone would help him look for belle

generously, the time spent searching for her is a day

then maurice is left to die in the woods and is rescued by agatha

he couldn’t have been out there more than two days without dying of dehydration

then, at most, five days from the opening belle sequence, maurice accuses gaston of murder and is about to be locked in an insane asylum when belle rides back to save him

if you’re following correctly, this gave belle and the beast a maximum of four and a half days to fall in love with one another

what?????

i know in the original there’s the whole issue of maurice out in the woods searching for belle but that was addressed by the directors and producers as an oversight and they meant to show that belle was in the castle for at least autumn through winter

so the remake’s timeline is completely unrealistic and goddamnit movie

like at VERY MOST the main plot takes place over six days

TL;DR

most of my issues were story problems, they changed fundamentally so little from the original animated movie and what they did change dragged the plot along or straight up undercut what the narrative was actually trying to impart

the rest of the bullets were either self-described nitpick and trying to work out the timeline

to be clear it’s not wrong for you to like the movie go see it again another three times

this list is for humor

and i didn’t comment at all on le fou for one thing because i was neutral on him but also because it’s not my place to say whether this is good rep or not