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I REALLY do think 15 and Martha could be buddies like I think 15 is so so so much more willing to apologize and acknowledge his mistakes and ALSO be in a place mentally where he CAN be a good friend to Martha!! He's no longer asking for her to simultaneously fix him and be someone else and put up with all that shit for no reward he wholeheartedly would just be looking to be a good and caring friend to her. Martha special when.
#doctor who#martha jones#i personally dont think that Martha had a bad ending i actually rhink that#while the doctor and some of the writing was sooo shitty to her#that there is also value to having someone who genuinely is better off without the doctor#and learns that she neither can fix him nor fucking WANTS to fix him#BUT i do think she was done several injustices and that she should get am apology!!! in the show!!!
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girlfriend!abby 💫
⋆✦⋆ she always buys you flowers because she thinks it’s a perfect way to show you how much she loves you!!! and she likes going to antique stores to find vases with cool patterns and buying them for you.
⋆✦⋆ every last one of her pennies will be spent on you. no matter how much you protest, she looooves to spoil you and nothing makes her happier than the look on your face when she gets you a surprise gift.
⋆✦⋆ i know i already wrote about this but she loves cuddling you before going to the gym early in the morning. sometimes she’ll get a little bit carried away and smother sleepy kisses all over your face and accidentally wake you up :((( she apologizes so many times but that’s one of your favorite ways to wake up!!!
⋆✦⋆ she likes to wear your clothes because it reminds her of you. especially if you’re a masc too, you’ll never get your clothes back, sorry!! they’re hers now.
⋆✦⋆ some of the pet names she calls you are honey, sweet girl, and babe. but she also frequently calls you dude and bro just to piss you off.
⋆✦⋆ there’s always a book on her nightstand!!! she likes to read before bed or when she wants some time away from her phone. if you ask her for book recs she could write you a whole list of the best books she’s read and an in depth rating without spoilers.
⋆✦⋆ most of the furniture in her house/apartment was built or put together by her, including the bookshelf. she could sit on the floor for hours putting together an ikea coffee table while occasionally stopping to watch whatever music video was playing on the tv.
⋆✦⋆ her gym routine is very specific!!! she has designated days for legs, arms, full body, and two rest days a week. and she makes sure she eats 3 meals a day and a snack, drinks enough water, and gets enough rest.
⋆✦⋆ taking care of herself is super important, but she also loves taking care of you. knowing that she can keep you safe and happy makes her feel so proud!!! and whenever she has a rest day, she’ll spend the whole day cuddling you, cooking for you, doing skincare together, etc. she’s such a sweet gf :((
⋆✦⋆ she loves roadtrips!!!! just driving a few hours out of town to go exploring, she’ll bring her camera and take sooo many pictures of you to get developed later. and she’ll go with you to every shop you want to and she’ll buy you anything you look at!!
⋆✦⋆ lowkey she’s kind of a clean freak. growing up with jerry she was taught how to wash her hands like real doctors do, how to thoroughly clean and disinfect a space, how organization can impact your mood, all that jazz. she gets a lot of her traits from her dad actually, it’s so adorable.
⋆✦⋆ i’m convinced she’s the type of girl to take an edible and then clean the whole house because she suddenly felt super productive. you’ll come home to her cleaning, shirtless because she got too warm, with her music playing. and then she’ll fall asleep right on top of you. <33
⋆✦⋆ taking you to meet jerry would be super fun!! he’s such a sweet guy, and the love he has for his daughter is so adorable. he’s definitely the type of dad to go through an entire photo album of baby/kid/teen abby the first time you meet him.
⋆✦⋆ once she asks you to move in (after only like 6 months of dating) she loves to decorate the space with stuff that represents the two of you. she probably has a pride flag hanging in a window, and she has a hook for her carabiner right next to the door.
⋆✦⋆ she’s super close with her friends!! she’d love to take you on a double date with the two of you, manny, and whoever he was currently seeing. and you can count on her to always show up to leah and jordan’s shitty parties, even though they always end up super boring.
⋆✦⋆ she loves lazy sunday mornings when she gets to cling onto you the whole day and never let you go. she’ll hold you in bed, in the shower, on the couch, in the kitchen, on the porch, in the middle of the grocery store, anywhere!!! she just can’t get enough of you!! ;)
#my sweet baby i wanna smooch her#abby anderson#abby the last of us#abby tlou#abby anderson tlou2#abby anderson x female reader#abby anderson x reader#the last of us#lesbian
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Big Top Burger & Zomburger Relationship HC
Summary: What I think the Big Top Burger and Zomburger characters are like in a relationship
Warnings: Mentions of alcohol & bars, and the possible undead
Author’s Snip: I got into Big Top Burger again, and I want to expand out of just writing for Slenderverse. And also because some of these characters are real cute and just wanna think about how they’d be in a relationship.
Notes: I’m excluding Steve because... he’s just weird. I don’t think he could really be normal if he tried. I don’t think anyone is simping for the clown man so I think it’s fine. Also, this is the only Bigtop and Zomburger post I have so far, if you like my writing then feel free to request something, so long as you read the rules and boundaries for my blog first.
I’ll shut up now. Enjoy!
꒦꒷꒦꒦꒷꒦꒷꒷꒦꒦꒷꒦꒦꒷꒦꒷꒷꒦
Penny
MILF /j
No, I’m just yanking your chain a bit
She is really cute and she’s implied to be a mother
I think it’s actually confirmed by WorthiKids that the little girl we see in the s1 credits and s2 intro is her daughter
We don’t know if she’s a single mother but for the sake of this post I’ll just have it that she is
So as a single parent its inherent that she needs time to take care of her daughter along with work so she might not have a lot of times for dates
I feel like she’s one to enjoy simple dates like the movies or a small night out
She’s so sweet and polite I love her so much aaa
Obviously there’s a bit of a requirement and need for you to be looking for a serious relationship and that you’ll remain since she’d most likely want someone good to stay for the sake of her daughter and her
She would be sooo happy if you took quickly to being some type of figure in her daughter’s life
She seems like she’d give you cheek kisses regularly
Love is stored in the Penny /hj
Billie
She’s definitely a chill hang out date kind of person
You guys would hang out at her place and listen to some music or watch movies that she has
Billie is pretty monotone and tired sounding when she speaks and I feel like in a way that’s charming
Depending on your personality, you might be the one with the energy in the relationship
She just feels so laid back and chill , Idk what else to say, she just seems so cool
She’d totally tell you about all the weird things that she’s seen while on the job at Big Top
Tim
He has such a buddy buddy vibe outside of work and that it peaks through a bit while on the job as you watch the series
He’d take you on the typical dates but I feel like he enjoys going to bars with you every once in a while to get some beers
He also tells you about the oddity that is Steve
He seems pretty funny, he just has that vibe to him that he’s a really funny guy outside of work
He probably flirts a bit but in a light hearted easy way
But over all he just has the vibes that he’s just really cool and he’s a neat boyfriend
Frances
She seems very fun loving and buddy buddy outside of work
Cesare said that his workers are just a bunch of theatre majors and I believe that for Frances
I’m gonna say it, she has theatre kid energy
I really think she’d be fun to hangout with if not date too, similar to Tim
She seems like she enjoys the gimmick of working at a themed food truck and even enjoys them as a customer since likes bad food
Would honestly get shitty food with you just to eat it and hate it
Conrad
I love him
I love me some beefy strong dumb guys
He is an absolute idiot yes, but he looks like an absolute sweetheart too
He seems like he’d gladly go on any type of date with you
He’s totally able to pick you up, he can man a canon for crying out loud
He’s real gentle with you if he’s carrying you or picking you up since he’s really tall and super strong
If anything is ever too heavy for you, he’ll be a sweetheart and offer to hold/carry it for you
He looks like he’s lowkey real soft on the inside
Some of that tough brute exterior, soft sweetie interior
Doctor
He tries to be a gentleman
He succeeds for the most part
Also, I hc that he didn’t actually talk like that but he would be doing it for so long and would do it off the clock for fun, to the point that it just… stayed
He treats you well regardless though
He’s probably more into the romantics than the rest of them and goes out to dinner with you to a restaurant
He wants to try and make his own meals so that you guys can have your own dinner dates at home
But judging by the s2 intro, our boy can’t cook for shit
Cooking dates are probably a most simple type of date night activity though
Cesare
You are… you are dating a dead guy possibly
Most likely
Maybe some type of entity of the underworld
I don’t know but obviously he’s an interesting person to date either way
He’s very… strange to put it in simple terms
You have never been to his place (most likely because it’s some type of underworld)
You’ve probably asked and he did a little tangent about how you’re not allowed there
He does come to your place a lot
Cemetery dates? Cemetery dates
You can bring food for yourself but the food is only for you since he “doesn’t eat”
He probably walks about with you making fun of some of the headstones
Rants about his evil schemes, his workers, and Big Top Burger all the time to you
I feel like you’re relationship is more leaning to the situationship side since you will go days without seeing him and then he’ll just show up
You think that he’s just a busy guy with his food truck business
But in all honesty that’s obviously not the case with the shit that he can do and is up to
Well at least you have a strange and off-putting, possibly a real undead, goth boyfriend
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Welcome to Screwy Talks About DID For The Thousandth Time! Today’s episode is: How We Started.
The first Weirdness I noticed was ‘voices’.For a long time I thought I had schizophrenia because that was one of the Two Mental Illnesses I Knew Existed (Thanks, media) and it was always portrayed as scary. I was terrified that that would make me Bad. I tried to ignore it and just say it was Haha Funny Quirky Writer Shit. The voices were never quite clear audio hallucinations, but I knew they weren’t me.
I went on for a while like that just pretending it wasn’t a thing. Pretty sure that if it was a writing thing, they’d stop if I stopped writing. (Spoiler alert, they didn’t stop and still have trouble shutting the hell up actually)
My ex started my journey and I appreciate the eye-opening, but my dude’s amount of research was pretty much Nothing and he ended up just stressing us out further etc etc ended up with a lot of new splits to try and cope (several of which I’m pretty sure appeared to try and get me out of the relationship but only JD succeeded with the help of our now-wife) So my research started a little late. I knew I had DID (we called it multiplicity at the time, because he didn’t know there was a psychiatric term for it and I relied on him for most information whoops) but I didn’t know shit about it. I went with what he told me. So, back then, I felt very fake for some reason.
Then JD popped up and he and our wife were like Actually This Is Shit. After that it was free game as far as research goes. I went everywhere online, so many articles and scientific texts (I woke up at 7 am today please excuse my shitty wording. There’s a word I’m looking for and I can’t brain). I read anything I could find.
Fun fact actually. Fenris originally went dormant because he was one of the ones who knew from the start that our ex was Not Good. He tried to tell us not to pursue him, and we ignored him, so he went Fuck It I’m Out. He came back around 2020 and went “I fucking told you so- wait wHY IS THERE A PLAGUE—” and he’s been more active.
I’d had therapists before, and tried to explain it once. But at first, all the info I had was from my ex. I got another therapist in early 2020 when that shit was free bc Covid, and talked to her about it. The cool thing was I got SUPER LUCKY because her mentor has DID. So she knew everything to ask, gave me a test sheet thingy, and I went through it. I tried EMDR and that Didn’t Go Well I just ended up kind of dissociating harder ^^” It’s not for everyone.
So, there are still times when I feel like it’s all fake despite being later diagnosed by a psychiatrist and being validated by a therapist who was mentored by a system. I think we may also be on the autism spectrum but uh that’s a harder one to diagnose for fem-assigned folks and I have really bad insurance at the moment sooo rip me for now.
It’s taken me A While, basically. It’s very tiring, and it’s not fun, but there are ways to cope. I also think it’s important to note that it can be hilarious, and there are some interesting things a system can do. On occasion me and a couple of my partners will take party games like Truth or Dare or Would you Rather, gather a couple alters to play, and alternate between alters (hah wording). So while mental illness isn’t fun and quirky, it’s still possible to HAVE fun.
To quote a comedian I like: Disability can be hilarious. You just have to be on the right side of the laughter.
As another side note: If you’re not a doctor specifically treating someone, don’t fucking accuse people of faking. You don’t know them. You’re not entitled to their trauma. Even if they don’t have DID, they’re probably still working something out, which just makes you a dick and causes problems for them and their view on reality/themselves.
Anyway I’m going to go either fall asleep or play The Witcher.
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Attempting some gratitude, for once.
I need to post this, before the thought and the mood from which it’s sprung both dissipate into thin air.
I suck at gratitude, on the whole. Seriously, I do, and I know I need to work on that. I’ll spare everyone my sob stories, explanations, justifications, etc. for why I have had a hard time with gratitude in recent years, but suffice to say - I am aware that I suck at it, and I heard somewhere that the first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one.... so fine. I admit it. I’m ungrateful and unappreciative in my life most days.
But today, I’ve had multiple - MULTIPLE - moments of just feeling this weird, inexplicable, warm and fuzzy, happy, sigh-inducing THING just bubble up in me. And I was like WTF is this feeling?! Why is my tummy all glittery and light? Why am I sitting here on the sofa smiling for no damn reason?! OHHHHH! Wait! Is this.....gratitude?! HOLY SHIT, I think it is! So I’m gonna write it down and note it for all posterity. I, Evolver, have felt gratitude on this 7th day of September, 2018.
It all started last Saturday night, where, right in the middle of Labor Day weekend and my sister Rithers’ visit to our hike in Miami along with her hubby, Uncle K, and her kids H20 and NiNi, our 5.5-year old Vevvy fell ill. We thought that perhaps he was just overly exhausted from a long and happy day in the pool when he felt warm to the touch on Saturday night, but mid-day Sunday, during a beach excursion - Vev’s FAVORITE thing in the world, he completely fell apart, acting listless, fatigued, and not having fun at all. One look at him, standing statuesque on the beach, staring out to sea longingly while tears rolled down his cheeks, said it all: “what is going on?! I’m so confused, mommy! I’m in my favorite place in the world, and yet I feel so miserable! What is happening to me?!” A hand on his forehead revealed that he was burning up. Without a moment’s hesitation, Dr. Spouse loaded him up in the car and headed for home, while I remained at the beach with Dey to host Rithers and co. a while longer. Poor Vev needed a shower, some kiddie Tylenol, and bed rest, stat.
the “I am siiiiick” face :(
Over the next seven - SEVEN! - days, Vev would continue to have relentless fevers or 101-103F even with continuous children’s Tylenol and Motrin. He also developed monster congestion in his sinuses and nose, headaches, body ache, and general fatigue. I was sincerely shocked and more than a little intimidated by his congestion snot (keeping it real), which was so thick and oppressive, it would choke his throat and inhibit his from breathing if he dared to rest in even a semi-reclining position.
The poor kid had no choice but to be completely upright if he didn’t want to gag on his own phlegm, which meant that he (and by transitive property, I) could really sleep no more than 90 minutes at a stretch for four nights straight. He was miserable, and I was doing everything I could to help him, staying with him each night either on an air mattress in my bedroom, or just holding him against my shoulder/chest in my bed while he desperately tried to sleep and breathe at the same time. I felt awful for him, and mused for a moment about parents whose children have respiratory disorders like CF who live their lives this way.... good health is such a blessing that we all take for granted.
As much as I hated every minute of Vev’s suffering, there was something a bit nostalgic in holding him sleeping in my arms for several consecutive nights. Wasn’t there a time in the not-so-distant past where this was the ONLY way he’d sleep?! I bitch and moan all the time about how clingy, dependent, and non-self reliant my kids are — but it has been years since Vev needed me at night this way. My Vevvy has grown up a lot.
And to his credit, despite all this sicky misery, he was really a trooper while ill. Against his traditional character, when sick or not, he really didn’t complain much - just went quiet and kept to himself for days, forming a little nest on the sofa each day with a warm blankie, big box of Kleenex, and his iPad, not really asking for much at all except quiet and rest. He never really complained when I had to give him medication, and he did his best to heed my urges to drink clear fluids even when I could tell he really didn’t want to. And - forgive the TMI here - but you know your kid is really growing up when they begin to have some way of forewarning you and/or running to the bathroom on their own steam and hitting the preferred target of the toilet when they’ve gotta vomit. Fortunately, Vev only puked twice this week, and I suspect that too was only bc he gagged on his own copious snot — but both times, he announced “throwwww uuuup!” to me before sprinting to the loo and handling affairs with no mess and accurate aim. HALLELUJAH! This should be considered a major developmental milestone!!! (And yes - poor, poor kid! I really am glad it was only the twice, because that must have sucked a lot for him!)
Yeah, so. He’s growing up. Way to go, buddy!!!... and, sniff.
(supposedly this says “Mommy I love you ”... but he always starts writing at the bottom of a page and works his way up. He may also be of the mind that “Mommy” is spelled “mom-E.” Yes, we’re gonna work on it)
It was only yesterday, Thursday, that we got an official pediatrician diagnosis of his illness: the flu, as in the legit flu virus, or Influenza A. The word came too late for antiviral medications to be of any great use to him, unfortunately, but I was grateful anyway that we got a halfway-decent pediatrician BRILLIANT nurse practitioner who needed my assertive request demand for a prophylactic prescription or Tamiflu for Dey. We’ve had shitty luck in South Florida with pediatricians who appear to be reactionary and unnecessarily nonsensical in their responses to my requests for help - but this time, our pedi NP was A+. She treated our family like competent, educated people and did things that made sense as far as ensuring this highly-contagious virus wouldn’t spread to another healthy child living in the same household. I wish she could be our regular PCP (but of course, I bet she can’t be, bc she’s not a doctor. Grr, fucking managed care. Oops, hold it - I’m supposed to be channeling gratitude here, not my customary bitchiness. My bad.)
Anyway, speaking of Dey, I’ve got to brag about him a bit here too. At 3.5 years old, Dey’s baseline is definitely chill, go-with-the-flow, glass-half-full, and a pleasant, happy and easygoing “whatever you want, dude!”-ness that Vev NEVER was at that age. It’s been really awesome to see. But this week, his general outlook on life, combined with impressive moments of being a team player, cooperating, helping out, and exhibiting formidable empathy really made me sooo proud.
It’s certainly understandable that he’d be potentially jealous that his older brother got to skip an entire week of school while he still had to go. It would be even more understandable since they are actual CLASSMATES at school this year (yes, our Montessori school groups ages 4-6/preschool, pre-K and kindergarten in one classroom, so they’ve been together at school and at home since the start of the academic year). So I was very impressed when Dey accepted his brother’s illness and his need to stay home from school, while he was forced to go. Without one word of complaint, he’d get up each morning, eat his breakfast, get washed up and dressed out in uniform, gather his things, then visit Vev quickly and dispense a goodbye hug and a “hope you feel better, Vev!” before loading up in the car for school drop-off. What a trooper. At afternoon pick-up, when I’d ask about his day at school, he’d say with a little frown, “oh, school was okay...but Vev wasn’t on the playground.” It was kinda weird feeling my heart simultaneously break a little, but also burst with pride at how much he loves his brother. Sweet kiddo.
At home, each afternoon he’d run excitedly to Vev to see how he was doing, his face full of hopeful anticipation that perhaps today, Vev was feeling better and could play with him... but when he’d find Vev too miserable and tired to play, his face would momentarily fall in disappointment, but then he would muster some compassion and understanding, silently shuffle away, and find a quiet game to do in the vicinity, just so he could be nearby without disturbing Vev. Or, cuter still, he’d snuggle down on the opposite side of the couch as Vev, and tune his iPad into the same YouTube video Vev would be watching, so they could give each other silly smiles and glances during the funny parts. The boy would periodically race off in the house to find his toy doctor kit, and would affix his little plastic stethoscope to his ears so he could “give Vev a checkup” and “make him feel better.”
(Dr. Cutie Pie is in)
It was adorable, man. His whole world spins because of his brother. It’s so touching. I don’t know how it is that I managed to have two kids who love each other so much, because karmically I’ve done NOTHING to earn this. My sister and I were rotten to each other as kids, and only really turned a corner on it in our... what, our late 30′s?! Haha :) But I’m so grateful for these two dudes. These two little people are the best of friends, and they can’t live without each other. The feels.
One more funny brag about Dey. Dr. Spouse and I often jokingly refer to him as Dory, i.e. the lovable blue fish, voiced by Ellen DeGeneres from the Disney movie “Finding Nemo.” Dory’s schtick is that she’s easily distracted and has short-term memory.
Fittingly, Dory is one of Dey’s favorite cartoon characters, and he’s not shy to let the world know....
youtube
Anyway. Remember that whole prophylactic script for Tamiflu? Mind you, I was so grateful to get it. But. Ummmm, pediatric Tamiflu tastes FOUL. It is seriously the most bitter, disgusting, viscous goo I’ve ever gingerly licked to mentally prepare myself for my kid’s reaction to. I began fearing Dey’s reaction, and the ensuing tantrums to come over the five-day course of the drug. But I spoke matter-of-fairly to Dey about how this was a medicine he’d need to take to keep himself healthy, and that it would be a little bit yucky, but that I’d give him a HUGE spoonful of sugar right after to make it taste better (and THANK YOU, blessed Mary Poppins, for your genius).
Luckily, little Dory just took my words at face value without any further thought, opened his mouth, and downed the nasty shot of devil’s semen Tamiflu that I dispensed into his mouth. Immediately his face went every shade of red, purple, and white, with a coordinating expression like “what the hell is this shit?!” — but I swooped in there prepared, like a crack-smoking Mother of Batman, giving him a swig of water then heaping a MASSIVE spoon of white sugar directly onto his tongue. The result was nothing short of magical - the kid instantaneously closed his eyes in pleasure, turned up his cute little round cheeks to the ceiling with a huge smile on his face, and loudly cooed “Mmmm!” as if it was the best damn thing he’d ever eaten in his life. Moments later, the sugar fully dissolved, Dey matter-of-fairly reminisced with a RainMan-esque tone, “hey mommy, that medicine was kind of yucky for me. Kind of salty. Kind of spicy. But the SUGAR WAS YUUUUUUMMMMMY!” I worried that at the next dosing (and man, the kid’s gotta take it morning and night, poor little dude) he’d run screaming from the salty spicy medicine, and wouldn’t fall for the sugar trick — but amazingly, when I announced “medicine and sugar time,” the child came RUNNING to me with a huge grin on his face like he’d just won the lottery. He gulped down the medicine like a champ, swigged the water himself, then began changing “Su-gar! Su-gar! Su-gar!” till I ladled a bit into his mouth. Naturally, my mind spun forward a bit, concerned that his ease of overcoming the Yucky Taste Barrier and downing this stuff for a cheap reward might translate into some unsavory teenage and young adult behaviors (err, tequila shot champion in the making?! Please god, help us). But, for now - eternally grateful for my little Dory’s easy distractability and forgiving memory!!! Vev, at that age and even now, would have NEVER gone along with this!
(is it just me, or do they even kinda sorta look alike, Dory and Dey? No one else sees it?! No one?!!! Hmm...)
Anyway. In conclusion, it’s not normal for me to have something kind of bad happen, like the flu hitting one of my kids, but finding some good in the mess. But here I am, in spite of myself, awash in all the warm fuzzies.
1. I’ve got two healthy, happy kids, when many people have children with serious health issues and have to live their lives watching their kids sick and miserable all the time
2. my kids are growing up, becoming wonderfully independent, self-reliant, empathetic and helpful. But they still sometimes need me, and that’s nice too.
3. They both have such fun, distinct personalities.
4. I admit that it’s pretty awesome that my second kid is so chill. Love them both to bits, but if kid #2 has been more ornery and neurotic, I think that would have sucked. Having a chill kid #2 is a godsend.
5. They frigging LOVE EACH OTHER. It’s a goddamn brotherly love fest up in here.
6. Last but not least - the flu sucks, but it isn’t forever, and life will go on. Soon, in fact. And we’ll be onto the next adventure together. Look forward to seeing what it’ll be!
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Versailles
Versailles is such a MESS. It makes the Tudors look accurate by comparison. They actually film it at Versalles and have amazing costumes and set design, but the writing is mostly impossible. Some of the dialog isjust so terrible. I said in first season that it is a massive indictment of the writers that they looked at all the interesting women with different personalities, histories, and interests and thought, lets mostly not write about them so we can focus on our crappy Original Characters. It gets sooo much worse second season, but the fundamental problem started in the first season with the decision to take Madame de Montespan, and do everything possible to make her dramatically less interesting presumably to make their blandest OC more important. IDK why you would waste Madame de Montespan on this crap, but they decided to. They took someone who RL was a curvy, lively, witty, seductive, bold liver for of drink, gaming, sex, food, and life and decided to make her austere and humorless for no reason. Seriously, why would you do that. you could have so much fun contrasting her with other women at court like Mme de Sévigné, Louise de La Vallière, Marquise de Maintenon, Princess Henrietta of England, Princess Palatine Elizabeth Charlotte, Queen Maria Theresa of Spain, etc.. Why the fuck would they waste that? They skipped most of the height of her popularity, never once had her say anything interesting, let alone witty, and showed zero reason why anyone would be attracted to her. Yes, she did get nasty and desperate towards the end, but they completely skipped all the best and most fun to watch parts.
Also, by making her super skinny and angular like every other woman in the cast except the OC doctor and the Princess Palatine, it is incredibly hard to pick out which one she is, so I often waste a bunch of time in each scene trying to figure out if I'm looking at The Queen, Montespan, or Maintenon. Why not go with an historically accurate woman, who is period appropriate beautiful with a lusher figure? Then she would be easy to spot. It's not like we don't have an embarrassment of riches when it come to portraiture. While we are at it, why not go with an historically accurate pear shaped woman with blonde or light brown hair to play the Queen? It seems to me that having her also visually distinct from the nearly identical woman the casting director decided were hot. There also is a massive shortage of woman with different body types in media and here is an ideal chance to show women with different body types as attractive.
And then there is the nearly complete nonsense they made of the plot. I can spot things that actually happened embedded in the vast pile of shit they made up sprinkled with anachronisms, but they aren't even trying to pretend by season two. I just read an excellent book on the Poison Plot last Spring. The actually events are very dramatic, but they seem to have taken a few things that happened or were rumored to have happened and made the rest up. I just... Why? Why would you do that when the history is so much more interesting and makes way more sense? And so much of it is like that. There should be a shit we know isn't true drinking game, but likely it would result in alcohol poisoning. I also read a book that heavily featured the war they are fighting in the show about a year ago, so that is also pretty fresh, so you can imagine.
Why am I still watching it? Now that Black Sails is gone, this is just about it for an openly gay and bisexual man in a relationship in an historical setting wearing pretty outfits. (Outlander has M/M rape, and gay men longing for straight ones, which is not the same). This relationship may be even more shitty and dysfunctional than the historically accurate version would be and full of weird shit they made up, but it's more an exaggeration of the real one with comparatively smaller distortions than the mess they made of Louis/Montespan so I think that's more the crap writing and love of anachronism than actual homophobia, though obviously I can't swear to that.
So basically I'm here for Phillippe/Chavalier, some of the acting, and the pretty visuals, but it's getting harder to stomache the more dramatically they diverge. Sigh. It's not a Troy situation yet, but are they doing a third season? Because it could end up that way.
I think it infuriates me because it's such a waste of resources, acting ability, costuming/set design brilliance and historical source material. They had the budget and locations to make this Amazing, and they chose to do this instead. On purpose.
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The only reason some people are happy the doctor is a woman is because we need more empowering female roles. Not only that but diversity. 12 guys in a row for how long again? 53 years!!! And now! We finally have something different. You are absolutely right. It doesn't matter the gender. But you know what does? The representation.
I wouldn’t say that’s ‘the only reason’ but is a reason I can see people being excited sure.
I’d just rather wait and see before assuming it’s going to be good or bad though because yes while it’s not Moffat writing her (thank god we all know how shitty he writes women) we still don’t have a guarantee that the new writer is going to handle it well.
People saying ‘okay this is a reason for me to check out the show again’ I can understand sure, but people going “IT’S GOING TO BE SOOO GOOD BECAUSE IT’S A WOMAN NOW” need to like... chill a bit.
Blah, then again I’m more or less gender blind so whenever these gender issues pop up I just get confused because my brain goes ‘what’s the big deal? it’s just another person.’
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i need to do some writing today.
here is what i know as a fact: i am undoubtedly more mature emotionally and in overall life than him. no matter what, i will always handle life easier than him because “my journey” “taught me” “how to be strong”.but its not strength. its like.. an armour coating. and i just kept painting a protective sealant around my soul everytime something happened so now when something happens thats pretty fucing bad, my reaction is much less than the average person. kind of like an ER trauma doctor - theyve seen so much. i have seen more than almost any other person my age. i know more. even though i didnt have the same experiences as them, i still know of life much more. i know the true reality of life as it is and not what is sold to you or influenced by a higher source.
and life is absolute total complete shit. it’s totally completely terrible and if you are lucky - and ONLY if you are lucky, will you find your own success which will satisfy you just enough to make it through.
i am not depressed solely because my father is dead. thats simple. that doent stop me from living my life. if he just died randomly - that sucks ass but you move on. its not his death. its his life. he worked 47 years to have his pensions stolen legally. like government approved pension theft. he worked so hard to die in poverty. he wasnt a homeless person. he never borrowed money from anyone. he had no debts. why in the FUCK did he get that? what kind of god, if there was a god, would reward your earthly services with fucking poverty. the government told him if you pay your taxes and be a good citizen you will get X amount for the rest of your days but no where did they say if you get married though and become seperated your wife will take your pensions. what the fuck is seperation if nothing changes?
47 years to be crippled in a lazy boy watching wrestling. FORTY. SEVEN. YEARS. where in the FUCK was his reward? he didnt even get a loving family! he died ALONE. he gave everything he had in his life toe veryone else and he died ALONE starving in a hospital bed.
so tell me now how you paying 1.50 for air at the pump is the sign of the world ending. tell me how them raising the gas prices before a holiday is the worst of capitalism. tell me how you working sooo hard for the past year has been just absolutely terrible and “gotten you nowhere” as you live in your mothers house for free.
bitch you dont even know the worst of life. you dont even know what it is to do everything right and stil get nothing for it. he said to me, “you dont know, ive had to actually work -” .. “ive watched a dozen men in the exact same position as you get royally fucked much harder than you and have to keep going. how does this give me any incentive to go out and work as i watched men break their back for _nothing_? their lives are no better.”
i told him that my doctor believes i completely understand whats going on. that im not like delusional or creating scenarios in my head - i have encountered the true realities of life and human beings have extreme difficulties dealing with some of the worst parts of life; such as moving & public speaking & death.
so i go back and forth. because im told im shit i believe im shit and infantalize myself; i must be so ignorant and so blinded not to see the “truth” and that my depression is a fog keeping me from seeing positive things.
but then there are times like this where i realize i might actually be one of the few people around me who actually see things for how they are. his mother returned from her vacation and immediately she brought a cloud of darkness with her because she is the epitome of mass consumption and spoiledness. and its become disgusting the level in which she is consuming and spending money and i cant even pretend to be amused anymore. it really pisses me off. because i have such little money i am dictated as to how i should be using it and what i should be buying and yet she has enough money to stock her house with food that has been expired for two years and continue to buy more and be particular about bagged milk or eggs with omega 3 and its like you lived on an island which shouldve been closer to farm life and you somehow came out entitled and spoiled as fuck. my friend and i slept in her bed for four hours one night after drinking and she left her rings but we didnt know. his mother found them and fraked out that we slept in her bed because “you cant sleep in a bed someone else has slept in”.
and its like within this “concern” she had no bearng at all on the fact she was insulting me and my friend. he said, “theyre probably cleaner than i am” in response because it did sound like she was saying my friend and i were sooo dirty we somehow sullied her bed. like we’re below her and we fucked up her things. this is of course after she had moved my bag of laundry from inside the house to the garage. so its like one after another thing making me feel sooo second class and shitty and hes crying about 1.50 at the pump. his own mother is apart of the larger problem and continually makes me feel like shit. theres no reason for my laundry to be moved; at all. it was just ‘ugh get out of my house’ without saying it because people like her make passive aggressive moves while smiling sunshine out of their ass.
the weekend was continually up ad down with him. when he returned he was so excited to see me. he was super affectionate and loving and outwardly praising me in front of his friends and it was really fucing nice and it lulled me into a false sense of security. but like in no way do i believe hes acting malicious. like he did this purposely to manipulate me. his actions were not done maliciously, but this is the result of them. i was lulled into false security because the next four days were very up and down and not great but still okay?
on thursday & friday he was very focused on the time i spent with a new friend. but he portrayed this like a “joke”. like he was “mocking” it or “making fun”. but it became like.. so often that it was not a joke. it became a VERY clear sign of insecurity that amounted on saturday to me saying i was “bored” and him becoming VERY insecure. he apologized that i was bored, he “joked” that i would disappear for a day and suck some other guys dick and lie about it for six months. and lke these are not jokes. theyre said as jokes, his tone is joking but this is not a joke. this is a projection of insecurity.
but the thing is it doesnt make sense. our “relationship” is “open”. for all intents & purposes, hes allowed to “be with other people”. will i also be with him? .... remains to be seen. maybe i will. i dont know. i cannot say if he is sooooo important and i am soooo progressed in my perspectives that i would say i cant be associated with him. i dont know yet. but this is an “allowable occurence” as deemed by him and “agreed” to by me. so this is open. but its becoming increasingly apparant that this is not open for me. none of my actions in any way can or should be considered “cheating”. not that any of my actions ould be described as cheating - ive gone for drives & walks with friends and drew pictures. i have not even physically touched another man in a year beyond a hug which has lasted probably maximum ten seconds long. but even if i had 2 minue long hugs which tured to make out sessions and sucked dick at the end - it shouldnt be cheating. there is no rule that says this is cheating. everything says this is okay. if HE can do it, then CERTAINLY i can also.
he directly referrred to the fact that my new friend had gone to an art gallery in kitchener and wondered outloud if thats what he shouldve done but didnt think it wold be worth it. he was just focused on the fact this person existed in my life at all and that he would be seen as boring and uninteresting in comparison. i had never seen him so outwardly insecure and bothered by something like this in our relationship.
the next morning he woke up and reminded me that we had an open relationship and that he thought about these other girls and wanted this and this etc. it seemed obvious that he was saying this because he was upset by the insinuation i thought he was boring (which i never said, btw, i said i was “bored”. i specifically remember saying i was bored. period. not that he caused the boredom or was a boring person) and maybe was looking somewhere else. like he had built the delusion up so far he had to hurt me with “yeah well i can do this too” even though i wasnt. i told him this later on and he meekly said that wasnt why he had brought it up but it clearly was. later that night he said, “if you leave me you have to tell me so i can leave you first” which i felt succinctly described what happened - he felt like i was going to leave him so he pre-empted by reminding me he could also fill my space.
i continually repeated that i wasnt going to leave him but it became so exaggerated that .. it wasnt that i didnt believe that i wasnt going to leave him but i didnt believe there was a relationship to leave. what would i leave? was it not him who wanted to leave? was it not him who wanted more? was it not him whos unsatisfied? why would you assume i would leave when its him whos unhappy? see, i want to have a life with him. i try to make an effort to have a life with him but im completely stuck.
last night i helped him with this very dumb and futile task of taping large pieces of vinyl wrapping on a deck in the wind before a storm. i didnt have to but i did because i love him and knew it was a shitty task to have to do and next to impossible on your own. we werent able to do it and he was upset about it and his job and his life and within an hour was taking it out on me. he said that our relationship was the “easy way out” and that he could get instant gratification in his day by fucking and smoking weed. if he was alone more then he could have time to “think” and “be himself” and that i should respect when he says no or wants to be alone (he didnt say he wanted to be alone). he said hes run by anxiety and that in another time he wouldve just up and moved by now instead of talking about it.
i felt really offended that our relationship had been degraded to instant gratification. it was the first time i really felt like a whore in the relationship and that my purpose was to fuck. i asked him what i could do when i was with him to encourage better choices beyond fucking and smoking weed. he told me there was nothing. so i also felt like i had no choice either but to be someone he fucks and smokes weed with and thats it. like i cant build a life with him because im just a fucktoy who smokes his weed. like sure, he wanted to express the dissatisfaction in our routine but he was no better than his mother in expressing it because he didnt care that he was insinuating i had no other use to him.
he tried to be easy going after this conversation - i didnt respond to his crap but i did not feel good anymore. i made a legitimate effort to help him resolve his personal issues and he essentially shit on me. i wasnt condoning continuing the routine, i was encouraging a change and it was like no, we still have to do this but also give me time alone to have a seperate life.
and i live that already. i live this shitty duality of lives where i spend my days alone trying to put together a life i lead completely independent from him like he doesnt even exist and then have to pick it back up and act like its this most important thing of my life. there is no middle ground, its one extreme or the other while pretending tht this is a “relationship” and that we’re “in love”. but i think we just love each other. i dont think this is in love. maybe im in love, maybe because i understand “in love” more than him but i think he just loves me and cares about me. which is fine - its not even like i think he doesnt want to be with me. he does. but he is not really capable of being with me in the capacity that i need and im not needy. im not broken because this is not good enough for me and that im like wrong for wanting more. its natural and okay.
he jokes that we are already married. that i will do womens work because he goes to work and i stay home. but there is no “home” in which to do this work in. he has not provided me anything beyond packs of smokes and weed and iced capps. like he supports me in the way the government supports me. just enough to still need more support but not fail completely. i thik he feels comfortable playing house and i’m sort of looking at him like are you for real? like the test drive is about to be over.
he said he “felt like a prisoner” because he didnt want to go downstairs and make food and face his shitty mother. i told him i felt the same at my place with my roommate. but theres like.. no response. no empathy - like hey, we share the same shitty thing. or maybe even like a deeper understanding of who i am and the life i live without him.
this morning i woke up and fel the same. he wanted to fuck and i didnt, i said no but he continued to pull down my pants. and this is not going into like some assault story because thats not it at all. yes, i said no. and if i had pulled away and been like fuck no - it wouldve ended. i wasnt trapped. i made a concious decision to let him do this but not even want it. and i dont think he really even cared; in many ways he can be pretty depraved and its likely the idea that i was doing it just to get it over with turned him on anyways. and i dont even judge these behaviors because the horrors and depravity and realities of life keep me interested and he is just honest about his depravity because people are ashamed of theirs. maybe i am too. not that i was turnd on by this; im not into guys fucking me when im not into it, but i coud probably participate in rape fantasies so maybe i can disconnect easier and take it for what it is. its never malicious. no one is uisng sex to make me feel this way except maybe myself. i took advantage of an oportunity to amke myself feel like shit for this brief moment. he came suprisingly fast.
i think he knew i was upset though and i didnt want to have a conversation about his offenses at 630am. he started complaining about gas prices and air prices and i just took that as an opportunity to vent my projections and frustrations. like - fuck off. life is shit and you won the god damn lottery. your anxieties are insignificant and bullshit, you are ungrateful and self centered and lack empathy for others. like you feel “guilty” but you dont actually understand how THEY feel. like watching kids in africa and youre like omgz so sad *sends coffee money*. like, please.
i tried to approach it from an empathetic point. we hae similar problems. we are both crippled by anxiety and finding a purpose / worth in life. we believe there are solutions “if we could just do this .. this would be better” and maybe we’re right. maybe. but the anxiety stops us. so i tried to help him with my own coping methods - he says he has too much anxiety to look at apartments. i told him to build it up, make it exciting, make it positive and follow through and then feel good about it even though it seems really stupid to have to put this much care and effort into a simple task. it still gets done, right?
he told me that doesnt work for him. i was like “oh”. i didnt know it was an option. when ive said this in the past he told me i wasnt trying hard enough, that i should do better.
this morning i focused back on me. i hope im accepted for disability. i feel stuck. i want a break. i dont need to put in physical hours at someones business to deserve a fucking break in life. that does not determine my worth. and it shouldnt be this hard. it shouldnt. but society wants poor people dead. they do not care about mental health - and you’re right, no one cares about you. very few people will ever feel the momentous weight of no nest at all.
so whatever, you know? you dont want to live with me? you dont want to spend time with me? then i just wish i had disability - not for the “quick fix” because nothing about it is quick. but for the opportunities it gives me because no one in the world can do anything without someone else. period. end of sentence. that is the true reality, that is what i absolutely know to be true in an experience which very few people have lived with and those who have would more than likely agree because most success stories are ones who have been elevated by someone or a system created by someones. i dont know a single one off hand that didnt have, “and then i met so and so and everything changed” or “and then i got this x opportunity through this person”.
i dont want to be paid for in life. i dont want to be supported. i dont even want someone to ust completely pay for me out of their own pocket right now. thats terrible. i couldnt feel goood about it, no matter how “easy” it would be. i want to pay my share, support myself, my habits, my life by my own means. which is what i do now while putting in copious amount of man hours into “womens work” to offset snacks and meals in what should be a “relationship”.
i feel like this weekend was a good sign of why i need to work on accepting my independence as highest priority in life. i deserve a family but i wont have one right now because life is not fair as much as it is not fair for people who suffer in war and poverty in third world countries. life is no different - we all live in the same timeline & world & existence so this is not completely unheard of and people do survive terrible tragedies. life is just not fair and for as long as human beings existed as sentient beings, we have been creating unfair scenarios for the benefit of ourselves. thats life. thats what i can know and breathe as life. you can never be surprised or shocked by the actions of a human being - theyre just unpredictable and yet predictable at the same time because no matter what they will create unfairness in some capacity. and it took me soooooooo long to accept this knowledge at all. i wanted to believe that unfair things just happened. like some random force in the world makes unfair things happen and if you do enough right things then itll be smooth sailing glory days. but thats not it. life is not a series of check points. random organic beings evolved seperately like a colony of a million ants and althrough a million ants can make a whole workng system, within those millions are a million different minds. and they need the fucking colony because individually they are nothing but ants. theyre just things flying around on a big ball in a vast nothingness and everthing all a the ame time. and theyre terrified you know? theyre fucking terrified because you dont know why the fuc you came to be. youre just brething and shitting and eating and sleeping. what in the fuck is the purpose to all of this? and maybe theres no answer and youre just here on this fucking big blue ball flying in vast nothingness. but within the colony, its easier to eat and shit and sleep and not die or be threatened by imminent death. and you have a job, you have some task that keeps the gears rolling in this system that suddenly is more important than whats happening outside because this is easy and anything outside is hard and terrifying.
but every being feels this. its not unique to one hero. its everyone. everyone evolved from nothing and inherited a really complex system that was supposed to make it easier to live and they hoped whoever birthed you prepared you appropriately for the system; if not, or if you’ve lost them, good luck.
but at some point almost everyone, perhaps everyone, comes to a point, even in the comfort of their parents, where they question their purpose on this ball. why the fuck are we here, why am i in this system, how do i use it to benefit me if outside is unimaginable? how do i not hate myself for it?
and thats where we begin to create individualized coping strategies. maybe its leaning on your parents harder while you question existence, taking 9 yrs to graduate school, hitchhiking across the country, doing recreational drugs, finding “instant gratification” in other humans and eventually, hopefully, you find what works for you. and once you do, it will be hard to convince you otherwise because thats what makes you “happy”. you are at full “easy’ in life where all the basic needs have been covered and you havent degraded yourself for it - whether it be sucking dick or working long hours at a shitty job.
so i find it hard to demonize anyone at all. even all the people who did me wrong. even all the shity actions described above - thats how they coped to find their personal “easy” because thats the very best you can get within this system because our agreed upon basic purpose in life is to make basic survival “easy”. perhaps our brains and mental capacities never considered what basic surivial truly entailed and maybe were not there yet. is it just breathing eating sleeping and shitting? of course, fucking is involved but thats a future survival of genetics and if you cant surviv until puberty, thats not even an issue. is it also tending to the care of emotional and mental development?
i feel like society as a whole, human beings as a group, despite the individuals who might go against the majority, but as a group, in popular culture, emotions & mental status are not an issue until theyve created one. so we are purposefully ignoring what weve evolved to know to be a necessity in basic survival. yes, grandpa was ‘tough as nails’ but grandpa was not a fucking robot and perhaps learned good coping methods such as active hobbies, a friend to talk to or maybe grandpa drank a lot. humans are not weaker now, they were dumber before. they had no idea that mental illness existed, that some could be preventable or treated. they did not understand the brain as they did not understand space, the oceans - this is one of life’s greatest mysteries and since we dont understand it we imagine it to have a grand capacity but everything has its limitations. i dont understand the brain at all, i cant fathom the idea of why a person can continue to learn and adopt new things throughout life but never consider what is insde of themselves and capacity they have or why. they’re just full of pride that they managed to ‘achieve’ a perceived limitation. anyone can do anything. whether you have the tools or opportunities to do so is completely different.
outside of genetic defects, everyone is made up of the same shit. no one is uniquely special or better. everyone, even ones with defects, needs to breathe eat shit and sleep. and thats where the unfairness comes in. for some people, in this system, their inheritance of privledges makes it way more opportunities to create “easy” things in their lives. why do they deserve this inheritance if we are all born as equals? no one as a baby did anything to deserve the opportunities or priviledges that set them up to inherit a better system. why did some babies get better opportunities thn others?
the system is unfair but you cannot change the system when it still “works” for everone else. you cant change it. it’s so unfair, it’s so completely unfair. but no matter how fucking unfair it is you still need to eat. you still need to shit. you still need to sleep and breath clean air. and thats why you work. thats why you keep working. i try to imagine why others have chosen what they have. perhaps their parents brainwashed them into the system and they had other priviledges and they just blindly accept what they “know”. i question why people buy alot of things they do. i wonder why they put value of themselves, like it was worth doing literal work to earn the money to buy a tube of lipstick? how does that factor easy? but i guess life had become so easy that the anixieties about the color of their lips are higher priority than the comfort of their next shit.
but THATS not the way it used to be. that would be the difference from grandpa to our modern world. and that frustrates me alot. i would thrive in a tiny home but at 27, and where im at now, thats like a dream i have for 20 mnues before entering real life again. its not going to happen. so how do i compromise right now? im walking wide eyed terrified alone on this big ball in vast nothingness, where do i find my “easy”? my inheritance was the same “strength” and stubbornness my parents had - no opportunity, no priviledge. i’ll survive, but it wont be pretty.
if i get disability, i want to move. although i want to go to college, that’s a really big step in life that i think i can just hold as a goal. i would like to go to college before im 30. considering i am still interested in my original course and its something that is recession proof and doesnt really require “upgrading” any skills in the future - it’s a totally feasible and good goal. so i want to move. and i could probably move anywhere in ontario or the gta. i mean not even probably - i literally can. i can go anywhere. i have friends here. but i made them all in the past 2 years, without working. i guess i “worked” but it wasnt “work. i found a way to make that “easy”.
i want to live a creative life. thats my pretty top priority in “easy independence”. i also want to accept that this is plan a b and c. theres no like, “well if this person comes along”. this is so desirable to me that it should take months of considderation to break down the intricacies of my own wants and desires and things i provided myself to decide to merge with someone.
so im trying to do that. and it takes alot of thinking because this is life or death for me. this is happiness or failure. this is being stable and content or homeless poverty. im “afforded the luxury” of living somewhere “safe” that i can afford as i think about these things. where do i want to move? i want to have my own place. even if its like my friends with no kitchen, i want my own place that i dont have to worry about someone else in. my curret place feels like a hotel or dorm room. i wan to feel comfortable spending time “alone” and actually be “alone”. id like to move closer to downtown because it was easier to walk around and had more ammenities. i consider also my doctor who woudve gotten me this opportunity and how important it might be to keep within travelling distance. but maybe its better to move?
if i went to college, it would be in the same city he wants to move to, pretty much down the street 20 minutes away. thats the real insult to all of this. i could have a much easier time but hes decided to make both of our lives very difficult. do i want to move there if he does? or regardless? continue this expensive routine of having seperate places? or commute to college everyday, five days a week? its close to toronto, on the subway line - a total change from my life now. my life perhaps ever.
i got the letter saying they got my application. it could take 90 business days to decide, which means i might not hear anything until november, maybe even december. which sucks pretty bad. but having even the glimmer of hope makes things “easier” for the time being. i still have this time to fill. and even if idid go to college next year, i have atleast a year before it starts. what do i do with the rest of 2017? he wants me to take a class. he told me also to start getting my liscence. i need a new phone to really kick off my new business idea and my desire to do anythng art related right ow is super low. i hate my environment. its cold and dark and damp and loud. i dont want to make anything, not even jewelry.
i was paid five days ago but ive done nothing but buy weed and smokes. i havent bought any groceries yet. truthfully i havent showered since sunday (maybe saturday) and i wasnt even home until this morning. i mostly want to sleep. ive smoked so much weed, im not even really getting high anymore. spend some time with my cats who i had really started missing. im expected to open the arts colletive back up and announce upcoming plans but im still trying to care. just, at all. i fell off the radar and dedicated too much time to him and im sad that i cant even be anxious to seehim because even thats pointless now.
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Congratulations Alex!
You have been accepted as your 1st character and OC Mackenzie Webster (Stacey Farber FC)! And congrats on receiving 500 points for picking up a medical patient. Please send in their account within 24 hours.
OOC INFORMATION
–> Name:Alex
–> Preferred pronouns: she/her
–> Age: 16
–> Time zone: Italy (But will be back in EST in May)
–> Activity: 7/10
–> Today’s date: March 17 2017
–> How did you find us? (If tags, please specify) Used to be a member Welcome back! :D
–> Did you read the rules? Please give the TWO passwords: RFP
OC Patient
–> Character name: Mackenzie Webster
–> Character age: 16
–> What are they here for: Leukemia, Self Harm, Depression and undiagnosed alcoholism
–> Medical or Rescue Ward?: Medical
–> Face claim (Please try to keep to the +/- 5 year rule… we don’t want a 29 year old face claim playing a 16 year old!): Stacey Farber(most of her gifs are from degrassi)
Self Harm TW:
Mackenzie was born to a happy family, the type of family a lot of people would be jealous to have. She had two loving parents, and 2 little sisters, as well as an older brother. They all got along really well, and spent a lot of time together as a family, but not so much time that it was too much. She was always very close to her little sister Alissa, closer than the other 2. When Mackenzie was 12 and Alissa was 9, Alissa was diagnosed with leukemia, after passing out on the couch with a nosebleed, for no noticeable reason.
Their parents didn’t think to get the rest of the kids checked out, as their medical bills were already fairly high because of Alissa’s treatment, and they figured they wouldn’t need to be checked out unless the others started showing symptoms. Alissa was in the hospital for 6 months, on radiation therapy, chemotherapy, and every other treatment they could try. None of them were working well enough, and the cancer was spreading like a wildfire. After 6 months, they let her out, telling her she only had 3 weeks left to live. She didn’t even make it to the second week.
After her death, Mackenzie took it the worst. She withdrew herself from her family and her friends, turning to self harm to cope. At school she met a couple of kids who were a couple grades older who convinced her to skip and get drunk with them. Figuring it was worth a shot she agreed, considering she didn’t really care much about anything at that point. She quickly became friends with those kids, and continued getting alcohol from them, getting drunk all the time so she wouldn’t have to deal with her sisters death haunting her. When she couldn’t get alcohol she’d cut, not too deep, not enough to really hurt her, but enough to make her feel something. This went on for 2 years like this, her drinking most of the time, rarely at home, and when she was she would cut. When she was 15, the kids who had connections to people who would buy them alcohol graduated, and moved away after summer. Not wanting to bother with trying to find new connections, Mackenzie turned to cutting even more, to cope with not being able to drink. It got worse and worse, but no one ever noticed.
About 5 months after the other kids left, Mackenzie started to feel really sick a lot, she always felt tired, and had fevers almost every day. She didn’t bother telling her parents, because she thought she’d just caught the flu or something, and she didn’t want to worry them. When the nosebleeds started, she immediately got worried. She didn’t know how to tell her parents, because she knew that was definitely a symptom of leukemia. One night at the dinner table, a nosebleed started and her parents noticed immediately. They brought her to the doctor the next day, where he diagnosed her with leukemia. He also noticed the cuts on her arm, and diagnosed her with depression. He recommended that they sent Mackenzie to Serenity, scared that she would give up hope.
C Questions (Please write SEVERAL sentences –4 TO 5, MINIMUM EACH. Mandatory for both canon and original characters. Not required for staff.):
Do you know why you’re here at the Serenity House?
Mackenzie sat straight ahead at the doctor. This was her worst nightmare, she was sick with leukemia, what her sister died from, what she had spent the past 3 years trying to avoid remembering. She didn’t want to answer the person, but she knew she’d never get out of the room. "Leukemia, self harm and depression, or whatever. Basically I’m probably gonna die but you locked me up in here because you think I’ll hurt myself bad enough to die out there.“ She spat, crossing her arms while continuing to stare straight ahead, at the wall behind the doctor.
How do you feel about being here? Good, bad, indifferent?
The redhead shrugged, not wanting to show her true feelings. The truth was, she was scared, she didn’t want to put her family through this again. "I mean I don’t think I should be locked up here for my last few months, but whatever. It’s not exactly like I have a choice is it?” She rolled her eyes at the doctor, avoiding eye contact.
What is your biggest fear coming to the House?
She stared up at the doctor, finally, and looked straight into his eyes. "I don’t want to die in this shitty place. My biggest fear is that you’re seriously just going to keep me in here. My sister had leukemia. Did you know that? She died. None of the treatments worked. So why am I supposed to be any different?“
How do you feel about the patients on other wards? (Medical or Rescued Wards)
"I mean, they’re okay, I guess. I haven’t exactly met them yet, so I don’t really know. Who knows maybe I’ll make some new friends here, I’m sure everyone would be sooo proud of me if I did that right?” She said sarcastically, hoping they’d let her leave now that she’d answered all their questions.
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