#while theyre moving in with their boyfriends and growing up and getting to do adult things ill just be stuck living in my moms house foreve

[hauntedwoman]

it's actually so devastating that the first boy i ever loved and who loved me back was struggling with addiction and self harm and depression when we were together and like. it was never going to happen and we were never going to make it, despite my neverending hope that it would.

[lesbiandarvey]

okay i think about this a lot but what do you think donna's relationship is like with her parents and her sister and do you have any conception of the timeline of her parents separation and what do you think the sister's deal is

i mean like…. i was wholly convinced donnas whole thing was Child Of Divorce like when she talked about her mom and her moms boyfriend coming over (in 4x15 intent) like i always assumed donnas parents were long divorced. and in s5 when her dad is in legal trouble and theres all those flashbacks about her dad like theres no mention of her mom (or her sister for that matter) so it seemed like her mom was out of the picture

but also harvey mentions donnas parents staying at his condo in s1 which implies they were together before the show started

one thing i really really liked though is when harvey tells donna “you cant see your fathers faults cus youre putting him on a pedestal!” i was like DAMNNNN GIRL LOOK IN THE MIRROR!!!! I LOVE THE FACT HARVEY CAN SEE IT IN DONNA AND HE CANT SEE IT IN HIMSELF!! LIKE THATS WHAT HARVEY DOES!!! HE WORSHIPS HIS OWN FATHER AND NEVER SAW HIS FLAWS!!! anyway i just loved how they’re the saaaaameee there

im gonna say.. im gonna make the decision and say. i think donnas parents were separated for a long time, like years. and maybe even had an on again off again thing for a long time. like im gonna say they separated like when donna was in high school, like he lost all their money they started arguing and didn’t stop and on top of having to move and go to a new school and being 14, donnas parents separated which was really really hard on her (im gonna talk about this later, but i think her sister is like 7-10 years older and is out of the house so donna couldn’t even really talk to her while all this is going on)

and ok the important thing is. her parents never got divorced they only separated and started seeing other people. but also sometimes still seeing each other -> and like being a young adult, like donna was in high school and later college and witnessing that whole mess of her parents dating other people and each other, and maybe wanting to get divorced for real but never taking the plunge…..really messed donna up and gave her her issues with intimacy and commitment (in her friendships and her romantic relationships)

but! but!!!! we also have to remember that donna wanted her parents back together!! donna worships her father and wants her parents to be happy (meaning together!) so like idk what donna thinks about her father as her mothers husband yknow like she does ask her mom “did you regret it, trusting him?” about her mom trusting her dad with their money despite the fact he lost it all…idk where i was going with this the point is that they get back together and donna loves that, and tells harvey the story as some grand romantic story

okay back to her sister. i think her sister is much older than donna like she was out of the house most of donnas life. like if her sister is say, 8 years older than donna she would have left for college when donna was 10. and even before that yknow to have such a dramatic difference in age when donna was still a kid growing up her sister was in high school and probably not around that much… so i dont think theyre all that close

[gooeykit]

you should talk more abt sammy i love sammy and also i wanna learn more abt iseah 🐛🐛

okay well umm! first off ⬇

idk wat 2 do with nonspecific questions but whatever.. Sammy's the awesomest thing ever for one. In the first story [which im completely remaking] she's just subject to a lot of unfortunate circumstance which is hard to get into since like said circumstance is going to be drastically changing as i rework it. Essentially tho, she's a bio engineered slave race which is physiologically made to be just not-human enough for legal reasons and to be able to mature quickly and die easily to sell fast and repeatedly. When she escapes, she attaches herself to a group of bounty hunters [which are the main group of this story] and learns more about the universe [story is interplanetary] through them. She specifically becomes close to Reagan, who's the youngest of the group, since theyre of a similar mental age, but she quickly surpasses his due to her accelerated maturation. Still, she ends up very close to him and mutually consider the other as a sibling. Eventually as she gains more awareness of things and sticks to the group with the intent of liberation. In the end of this story, the group ultimately disbands for very many reasons, mainly because it was never a stable group of people in the first place. Reagan, who grew up as a bounty hunter, ends up with a lot of issues and will take it out on Sammy when theyre adults, which on top of also being raised with bounty hunters along with him, screws her up tremendously. She ends up closer to his boyfriend, Iseah, who's unaware that Rea behaves this way towards her. When Rea dies, she and Iseah become housemates.

Iseah is in the story off and on, he debuts pre-transition as a child and is someone who is victim to spiritual haunting, which a bounty is placed on. The main cast take the bounty and save him, he meets Reagan at this point who's also a kid a similar age to him. Iseah after this just grows up urban with some ghost trauma and becomes invested in the world of the supernatural as well as the bounty hunting scene. He's not interested in joining any of it, but is well versed in it and will support certain hunters. A lot of hunters are aware of and social with him, he's a carpenter by trade and specializes in furnishings intended 4 faux planets and space crafts. Some guilds will have his works. He meets Rea again as adults and they hit it off immediately. ATP Rea's like ran away and is struggling to live on his own and Iseah, feeling like he owes Reagan something, lets him move in. It's the healthiest and happiest part of Rea's life but he's made to leave and rejoin his old group of hunters and Iseah's inexplicably left. He's hurt by it, but like he also doesn't know the world of hunters from the inside and assumes its something Reagan couldn't help. This furthers Iseah's disinterest in actually joining any guilds. Eventually he just gets a text from Rea after a long radio silence saying that someone needs an emergency place to crash, which ends up being Sammy. Iseah's initially intimidated my Sammy and wont let her in, but ends up changing his mind quickly. The two take a while to bond since Sammy has a lot of walls to break down, but end up being very close as well. For a while, Iseah is the only person who Sammy will talk to after everything she's been through.

after all that, they end up like this

In the second story, they're both relegated to supporting cast, but i don't really have any development on the main group.. so right now they entire story has mostly focused on them despite that not being my intent. anyways, these 2 are bonded to the hip. They're not in a relationship, but are sexual partners. Iseah will date around and ends up with a consistent partner of his own for a while, and Sammy doesn't mind, but Sammy isn't interested in dating and doesn't bring people home like that. Sammy and Iseah both go through a lot of healing, but most notably, Sammy is well socialized and comfortable with herself now. Iseah's still a carpenter, but doesn't rely on his own income anymore. Sammy's a very successful scientist which elevates her to an unwanted celebrity status. Her field is in supernatural sciences and mechanical applications. They tend to bounce ideas off each other too.

plotwise, they're both still invested in guilds, but apply themselves differently. Sammy uses her influence to further push for liberation of her people, though since faux planets aren't subject to universal law, it's very hard to do so. Sammy and Iseah are seen as philanthropists and while they do have money, its actually not that much as theyre using it to support guilds and programs what will help destroy the cartels, place more appropriate regulations on advanced genetic engineering, and discovering cures and aids for new-age spiritual disability [<- sounds bogus but its kinda hard to define what it is]. Sammy also has a few human subjects who are just like, medical anomalies only she can work with for like.. lore reasons... but essentially the spirit was detached from the body and had to be reattached, which leads to circumstances where the thought of the effected will interfere with the thoughts/actions of others. Sammy is established in the first story to have an impenetrable brainscape though for a few reasons, but because of this, wont be effected by the anomaly. She treats her subjects very well and is very protective of them........ which is a major plot point ^-^

[malfoys-demigod]

“She is no longer a proud Slytherin to me.” D.M x Reader

Request from @the--queen-of-hell​

-> OOOOH GURL.Hear me out. This isn't a request but if you like it feel free to use this!So, in the events of TDH, when the trio is taken to the manor, let's say reader is caught with them and brought to the manor. She's a slytherin but she fights against Voldemort..But she is also in a secret relationship with our beautiful Draco.So, Bellatrix tells the goons to take them all to the dungeon, including reader.Draco says that HE will be the one to take them, just so he can make sure that reader is fine.He tries his best to be convincing that he HATES them, so he grabs reader and pushes her around til they're in the dungeon.Omce theyre there, Draco starts worrying about her and asks her if he's hurt her, if she's okay... And while she reassures him that she is fine he pulls her close to him and presses a soft kiss on her forehead 🥺🥺🥺🥺BUT every one in the dungeon can see that, but he doesn care. HE WANTS HIS LOVE SAFE AND ALIVE. So he promises to help her...and the others... Escape.They both survive, and live happily together forever 🥺💚

Summary: During the Deathly Hallows, Y/N and the Golden Trio are being brought to the one place she wished to see on any other occasion, Malfoy Manor, to be held captive by Bellatrix and the Malfoys. Will Draco keep his guard and pretend he doesn’t care for you? Or will he save the person he loves the most in his life?

Word Count: 5.5k 

A/N: I finally made this request! Thank you so much, for this lovely request. 

Taglist: @the--queen-of-hell​ @bbeauttyybbx​

There was an immeasurable secret that you have been deeply pledging to yourself to keep until the moment was right to let it all out. On no occasion was there a moment in time where you could shout it to the skies and feel as free as a bird. For the last six years, on no account has there ever been a moment where you could make it known that you were the secret girlfriend of Draco Lucius Malfoy. During this evil time of seventh year, perhaps the secret would stay forever to your heart, should the plan not go as expected for Team Harry. 

There were times when you couldn’t stand keeping the secret. Seeing other couples, freely expressing their love to each other. The adorable yet minimal displays of affections that lovebirds could do with each other started to eat you up inside as the years flew by as you started to blossom into a young adult. 

While you watched the simple things such as someone leaning down on their lover’s shoulder as a smile crept under their soft and light faces as the other held them tightly, squeezing the love out, you were sitting alone, with your friends, who probably had the same situation going, or didn’t happen to care about the things you were watching as you sat as far away from the one person you could be doing the things you were watching. 

But, no. 

You couldn’t watch a quidditch game with heart-shaped eyes as your favorite seeker flew from left to right, up and down. 

You couldn’t agree to go on a date to Hogsmeade with any other boy, as you tried giving the most bizarre reasons that you could think of, letting all the boys assume that you were clearly uninterested in a romantic relationship during your Hogwarts life. 

You couldn’t travel down to Malfoy Manor over the holidays, knowing you wouldn’t even receive a gift at home. sent from the Manor you dreamed of visiting. 

You couldn’t shout that you were in love with Draco Malfoy. 

Despite deeply knowing that it was highly unlikely to go public with the man you love, there have been times wherein you just couldn’t take it anymore. You knew how much this secret should be kept safe, but there were just times where it drove you out of your mind, wherein, yes, you knew, but you just weren’t in the right state of mind. 

FLASHBACK

During the evening of Valentine’s day, every student, whether single or taken, were all having pleasant meals in the Great Hall. Love was truly in the air for most people. The moment the day had started, it was like everyone inhaled love potions created by who knows, as the day was considered a jolly and carefree day for all. 

Smiles were growing from everyone’s faces as they either watched adorable couples hold hands, or be in the position of those couples, smiling as wide as possible as it was a day truly made for them. 

This day could have been for you as well if the world knew of your romantic relationship with Draco. 

Oh, the countless romantic things he could have done for you. He had never dated anyone seriously before but the secret flirting he had experienced with you could already explain how much of a suave and gentleman he could be. 

So, as you watched couples playfully spoon feed each other and make tiny messes during the process, you internally groaned, resting your head on your cupped palm as your elbow placed some weight on the table. 

You had finished only half of your dinner as everything about Valentine’s day had made you lose your appetite. Spending the day pretending to be something that you weren’t, felt like any other day that you have been going through for years. Today just made things more difficult for you since these couples were expressing their love more freely, making you yearn for the things they could do. 

Sick and feeling more hopeless than usual, you slowly stood up from your table, dragging your eyes and feet away from every couple that you dreamed of being as you attempted to nonchalantly exit the Great Hall as if nothing bothered you. 

This attempt was a complete failure through the sneaky eyes of Draco Malfoy who was silently watching you from the ends of the Slytherin table. He had been observing you quietly from his side of the Slytherin table, noticing and feeling the emotions from inside of you. 

Ever since this morning, you had been utterly quiet during classes, either staring at people you didn’t know, or trying to get the sight of those people out of your head as you were focusing in class with an uncomfortable expression.

This obviously led to realizing that it was about the little holiday that lovers were currently celebrating. He knew that there were times when you wanted to shout to the world that you were proudly and madly in love with him. He felt the same, but he was more controlling of himself, not expressing to you that he wanted to do the same thing. 

During meal time in the Great Hall, he came in early, and once you entered, he could already sense the emotions boiling in your system as you slumped on the table, looking like the saddest person in the castle as you tried ignoring your friends or giving them short answers if they tried talking to you. 

As you ate, you tried giving yourself the slowest bites, giving more attention and focus on the deep thoughts you were thinking about. These deep thoughts led you to not finishing the remaining half of your plate and got you to abruptly stand up from the table and exit the Great Hall, being the first one to end her meal time. 

Draco obviously wanted to follow. He counted to a good ten seconds in order not to seem suspicious about following you out of the Great Hall. When ten seconds were over, he told his gang not to follow him as he had, ‘the bad stomach.’ Knowing that nobody wanted to hear that while they were eating, they told him to rush out, telling him not to worry about it. 

When he stood up, he watched his own actions as he smoothly briskly walked out of the Great Hall, hoping to catch up with the girl of his dreams. If he had the Astronomy tower to hide and let out his emotions, you had the Black Lake. 

You were staring at your sad reflexion by the waters of the Black Lake. It was cold outside but this didn’t matter to you anymore as the sadness had clouded your mind and body. 

Watching your reflection by the waters was something you only did when you were either sad or in deep thinking. Tonight you were both. 

You crept down, touching the water with a single finger, causing a ripple that made small movements, resulting in your reflection to move as well. Usually this would make you grow a smile on your face but you were too sad to do that. 

Sighing, you said, “When will this end?” You asked yourself. 

Then, a platinum blonde hair had started creeping up behind your reflection, standing behind you with a small smile. “When this is all over, you know that.” 

You stood up, turning around to see your boyfriend Draco remove his Slytherin scarf from his neck, “Wouldn’t want to see you freezing, love.” He said, wrapping the scarf around your neck gently. 

“I can’t wear this forever, you know people will know, the green apple scent, the fact that I didn’t leave my dorm with a scarf, everything.” You declined the gesture, unwrapping the scarf from your neck. 

As you were doing this, Draco frowned, placing his hands on your neck to prevent you from completely removing the scarf from your neck. “Wear it for now, please, we’re still outside.”

“I won’t be for long,” you said, removing his hands from your neck as you completely removed the scarf, something he tried avoiding, as you were prepared to leave the scene. 

Draco stepped to the side, guarding you from leaving him as he looked at you with a careful look on his face. “You’re here for a reason, and I would like to know why.” 

“It’s nothing, I just wanted some fresh air.” 

“If I’m not mistaken, dear, I think I heard you ask yourself when this secret of ours would end. Correct?”

“No, because technically I didn’t say that. You don’t know if the question is under the same context as what I was thinking.” 

“What else could you be asking yourself what would end? Our relationship?” Draco asked, pouting, knowing that you wouldn’t dare question that. 

“Of course not, you fool,” you rolled your eyes, “Okay so maybe I might have been asking when keeping our secret could come to an end. So, what? I always ask this.” 

Draco crossed his arms, giving you a smirk as he knew the reason why you were being so odd today. You looked at him with a confused look, wondering why he was smirking. 

“But it’s not always Valentine’s Day.” He truthfully said, catching you off guard as your eyes widened, seeing that Draco had gotten the answer right. 

You sighed, looking down at your shoes, “I just can’t stand how we could have been spending our time together like every lovebird today. I can’t stand how we have to keep us a secret.” 

Draco slightly frowned, knowing exactly how you felt. He placed his hands on your shoulders, tilting his head for you to see his face despite looking down at the ground. 

“Y/N/N, my dear, look at me,” he begged, making you look up at him with a sad face, “We’re starting to live in mad times. You know that. Once everything is all over, we can live our lives freely. Hang on right, okay? This is going to be some bumpy road along the way. As long as you keep your faith in us, we will get there. Can you be a patient little lovebird for me?”

You playfully rolled your eyes after hearing him call you a ‘little lovebird’ but still nodded in agreement, making Draco chuckle and smile at your response, saying, “That’s my girl,” then placed a small and quick kiss on your forehead. “Happy Valentine’s Day, love.”

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Draco.” You greeted back. Then turned around to see some students leave the Great Hall and enter the corridors despite being a little bit far away from the castle. “Would you mind if I left first to not make anything suspicious?”

“Of course, ladies first, dear.” He said, encouraging you to walk away. “See you around, you know I’ll keep an eye on you from afar, yeah?”

“Always,” you smiled, then turned around, running off to the castle, pretending that nothing happened, which slowly broke your heart a little bit. 

Draco huffed in sadness as he realizes he had to do the same thing when it was his turn to leave the lake and return to his dorm. “We’ll get there,” he muttered to himself. 

From there on, Draco and you had continued keeping the secret, whether either of you were weak to your knees or capable of being as strong as possible. 

Through your ups and downs, the both of you had managed to have sealed lips every day. To make things easier, Draco had set up more secret meetings with you, to keep the love in the air as strong as possible. 

These secret meetups were either in the Astronomy Tower, the Black Lake, or any secret place that nobody was seen occupying or passing through frequently. These times together were the only times you could express actual love to the person you pretended to see as a stranger. 

Unfortunately, the battle between You-Know-Who and Harry Potter only became more intense than ever during your seventh year. This tension between the two of them had been going on for quite some time and the actual battle had to come sooner or later, and it did arrive, during your final year at Hogwarts. 

You couldn’t imagine how badly things ended up for it was a traumatic experience for you and Draco to be in different teams of the battle, challenging the relationship the two of you had shared for the last few years. 

When the tension had risen during the first of seventh year, Draco had secretly told you that this was the ultimate thing the two of you had prepared for mentally, emotionally, and physically. Forget the secret meet ups, forget the jealousy of wanting to be like other couples, forget it. 

There was no time for either of you to hold each other tightly while the battle went on. Despite being a pureblood Slytherin, you went your separate ways as you were with the Golden Trio, fighting against You-Know-Who. 

So there you were in the dark night along with the Golden Trio as fellow death-eaters had grabbed a hold of the four of you as they forced you into walking towards the place that you had always wanted to visit in your life. 

Malfoy Manor. 

This was certainly not the way you had wanted your first visit in your boyfriend’s house to be like but what could you do? You would rather go insane and be sent to Azkaban than become a death-eater and hold the most gruesome meetings in Malfoy Manor, serving the Dark Lord himself in plotting against Harry Potter and Hogwarts. 

As you were taking a look of the Manor you had once dreamt of, there seemed to be a figure by the gates, jumping happily and crazily as the figure had seen a glimpse of four teenagers walking towards the gates with death-eaters. 

“Woo-hoo!,” said the voice in a high-pitched manner, “Walk faster, I’d like to see the look on their precious faces.” 

Getting closer to the gates, you saw Bellatrix Lestrange as her whole outfit from top to bottom was all in black. Her hair seemed to be the messiest hair you had ever seen, looking as if she hasn’t had the experience of brushing it properly, only to make it as messy as possible. 

With her hand sticking out of the gate, she pointed at Harry, who was to your left. The death-eater dealing with him smirked and forcefully pushed Harry towards the gates where Bellatrix grabbed him by the shirt. 

She scanned up quickly, as her eyes flew up and down Harry, grinning crazily as possible, probably thinking of something horrible to do with him. She let out a small laugh, “Get. Draco.” she whispered, making Hermione grunt in anger as she tried removing the tight grip the death dealer assigned to her had on the girl. 

Your eyes widened upon hearing the familiar name that she had mentioned. It was only a matter of time for Draco to appear in this situation. After all, this was his house, so it was obvious that he had to be there. 

As Harry was still up-close in front of the maniac Bellatrix, the madwoman extended her arm, holding a tight grip on Harry’s shirt, followed by the death-eaters who were doing the same to you, Hermione, and Ron, tightening their grips on the three of you as they watched Bellatrix nod, giving them a signal they had been prepared to do. 

You were all apparated into the interior of Malfoy Manor. It was quite uneasy after being apparated for the first time. You stumbled a bit, causing to lose balance but gained it in a few seconds as your eyes were now making themselves familiar with the new surroundings you were in. 

Scanning around the unfamiliar manor, there was a grand white fireplace that had no fire in it, there were tables, and other furniture placed by the sides, giving the whole middle area of the room enough space to move around freely. 

This must have been the lively living room that Draco had mentioned to you before. 

Speaking of Draco…

As Bellatrix had pushed Harry down to the floor, grunting and breathing in pain, there happened to be a group of footsteps, casually walking towards you and the rest of the captives. Despite not looking up yet to see the faces of the people who were walking towards you, you exhaled nervously, knowing the possibility of knowing one of the owners of one of the footsteps. 

Carefully, you looked up to see Draco Malfoy, now standing tall in front of you, wearing his trademark of an outfit. He was wearing his black suit gracefully as his parents were wearing the same color, so was Bellatrix. His eyes were on you for a second, and it seemed like there was a mixture of fear and anger as he gave you a quick look. 

Holding himself properly, he then turned his view to Harry as Bellatrix aggressively pulled him up, now kneeling and still breathing in pain. Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy were too looking at the boy who lived, judging him with such distaste and superiority as if their lives depended on it. They motioned the death-eaters of Hermione and Ron to pull them to their side, pushing them to the other side of the room. 

Forgetting to wonder why they didn’t have you pulled to the other side as well, your eyes were still glued on Draco despite the fact that he was now looking at Harry with the same judgemental eyes as his parents, but there was only a small hint of nervousness or confusion in him. 

Bellatrix started to grow impatient as the Malfoy’s were just staring at the person she had been holding tightly. “Well?” she reminded, pushing herself to continue with the smile she had on her face. 

Draco scanned Harry, up and down quickly, “I can’t be sure,” he shakily replied to his aunt. 

“Draco,” Lucius warned him, walking towards him as he held him by the neck, shaking him slightly as Draco looked uncomfortable with the situation, causing himself to look down to the ground, “Look closely.” 

Then Lucius turned back to Narcissa for a quick second, then back to Draco, still holding him in the neck, “If we want to hand Potter to the Dark Lord, everything will be forgiven! We will all be as it was, don’t you understand?” he pleaded with Draco, trying to get a nod from his son, who only could give a small shaky nod as he was looking closely yet terrifyingly at his father. 

“Now we won’t be forgetting who actually caught him, I hope, Mr. Malfoy?” said one of the death eaters with an insulting attitude. 

Lucius didn’t bother look to see who had insulted him as he looked away, scolding, “Don’t you dare talk to me like that in MY OWN HOUSE-”

Narcissa rushed to her family’s side, holding his husband, pleading, “Lucius,” she whispered, managing to hold and walk him a few steps backwards, leaving a more terrified Draco, inhaling and exhaling quicker. 

You were desperately holding yourself from going to him, comforting him and telling him that everything was going to be alright even though the chances of that were really difficult to talk about at the moment since you were now in the hardest situation in your life so far. ‘

But Bellatrix spoke before you could think more about Draco, “Don’t be shy, sweetie,” she encouraged her nephew, having him walk slowly closer to her and Harry, “Come over,” 

Draco knelt down, closing some space between him and Harry, feeling uncomfortable. 

“Now, if this isn’t who you think it is and we call him, he’ll kill us ALL. We need to be absolutely sure.”

Draco analyzed the boy in front of him, seeming slightly confused aside from being overly terrified. “What’s wrong with his face?”

“Yes! What IS wrong with his face?” Bellatrix asked, sounding actually curious. 

“He came to us like that,” spoke a death eater, “Something he picked up in the forest.”

“Right,” Bellatrix whispered to herself, then turned around to Hermione and Ron, “Was it you two?” she pointed at them with her wand. The two of them remained silent, watching Bellatrix carefully as they were still being held tightly by the death eaters. 

Draco’s eyes were now glancing at you, now that Bellatrix wasn’t able to see that his attention was now on you. He remained the same, just looking at you heavily as if he was trying to mentally tell you something. You looked at quietly, with soft eyes as if you wanted to tell him, ‘Oh, Draco’ with a sigh. 

But seeing that the two of them did not give her an answer, she turned back to you, as you were still by Harry’s side. “Or how about you, dear Y/L/N?”

Surprised, you asked, “You know me?”

“Course I do, little miss Y/L/N, pureblood Slytherin, daughters to respected death eaters who I’d pay good galleons to see the looks on their faces if they were here to see how disappointed and embarrassed they’d be if they were in the same room with their selfish little blood traitor daughter of theirs!”

Embarrassed but at the same time angered at the words coming from her mouth, you silently looked down to the ground, muttering to yourself that you needed to keep yourself together from lashing out and making things worse. You held your words from coming from your mouth, closing your mouth strongly. 

There was a slight angered emotion in Draco’s eyes as he was pained to hear what his aunt said about you. If this was like any normal day, he would hex a nasty spell at whoever dared say something cruel to the nicest person he had in his life. Still kneeling down facing Potter, Draco slowly started removing his wand, trying to stop the temptation of hexing that spell on his aunt. 

Thinking that Draco was pulling his wand for other reasons, Bellatrix happened to have a lightbulb switch on above her head, giving her an excellent idea. 

“Give me a wand,” she said, now looking at Hermione, “I wanna see what her last spell was,” she demanded. 

Hermione turned around stiffly, watching Bellatrix walk past her, as she was in the process of getting a wand. Bellatrix started laughing, pointing at Hermione, “Ah, got you!” 

She continued laughing again, taunting Hermione, as she looked so happy to see that all was going well again now. The smile on her face eventually dropped when she looked forward, seeing what was in front of her with a shock on her face. 

“What’s that?” she asked in curiosity mixed with fear. 

She was looking at a sword, which was held by a death eater, who seemed not so scared yet nonchalant about his situation. 

“Where’d you get that from?”

“It was in her bag, when we searched her,” he truthfully replied, “Reckon it’s mine now.”

Without hesitation in her system, Bellatrix waved her wand, vanishing the death eater that had been holding the sword, as it was now in her hands. Hastily, she then choked the two other death eaters with the wave of her wand, putting them in fear. 

You were also in fear yourself just by witnessing the madness your boyfriend’s aunt had in her. The Golden trio as well were also watching with terror in their eyes, not knowing what to do as they were standing, frozen like an ice sculpture. 

“Get out!,” Bellatrix demanded, showing the death eaters that she had choked, away from the living room. They were limping, trying to get away as fast as they could. 

“Sissy,” she said, walking past by her sister who was pointing her wand at the two, to make sure that they wouldn’t do anything as Bellatrix was now walking towards her. Bellatrix held Ron’s shirt tightly, as he looked at her with fright in his eyes since we were ever so close to Bellatrix, “Put the boys in the cellar!” she demanded. 

Narcissa followed her sister’s command, pushing Ron and now Harry to death eaters who were about to show them the way to the cellars. 

Bellatrix went to Hermione, “I’ll have a little conversation with this one,” she said, “Girl to girl!” she shouted, giving off the same closeness as what she did with Ron. 

Thinking Bellatrix had forgotten about you, you looked at Draco for a fast second, who looked at you back with suspense, knowing exactly what you were about to do. He tried giving you small, pleading eyes, trying not to be obvious, but mentally begging you to not do what he thinks you’re about to do didn’t work. You shook off the death eater that was still holding you, walking right to Bellatrix. 

“I don’t think so, Bellatrix,” you warned her, which made the death eaters assigned to Harry and Ron stop from bringing them to the cellar. “You’ll have to include me in this little conversation of yours before you could lay a hand on my friend.”

Feeling like she was threatened, Bellatrix turned to you with such rage in her eyes. She raised her wand, preventing you from walking closer to her, “Uh, uh, uh,” she warned you, causing you to stop walking, “Stay where you are, Y/L/N, you’re welcome to join our conversation, that is, before I-”

“That’s enough of this monstrosity!” Draco demanded.

Bellatrix lowered her wand slightly from you, looking slightly surprised that her nephew found the courage to actually speak now, since he was quite quiet earlier. 

“Is there a problem, Draco?”

Draco nodded, looking at you with wrath, “Of course there is, it’s the audacity of this blood-traitor to talk to you in such a bloody way.” he said, pointing at you with such disgust. 

Bellatrix flashed a proud smile at her nephew, placing her wand down to give a nod in agreement, “Why, you’re absolutely right, dear, Draco!” she said, playing around as she walked towards him to pat him in the back, “I suppose you can agree that she deserves a proper lesson from me?” 

“Let me handle that for you, aunt.” he replied, giving Bellatrix a mischievous smirk, “I am far more disgusted to be in the same room as this blood-traitor. I stopped considering her an ally and a person worthy of respect and prestigiousness the moment she decided to humiliate her proud, well-known name. She is no longer a proud Slytherin to me.”

“Oh?” Bellatrix asked, letting out a fake gasp as she looked at your ‘hurtful’ face. 

“You have no right-” you were interrupted when Draco advanced forward, pushing you as his grip was now on your arm, “Shut up, blood-traitor,” he scolded, “They are all going down to the cellar on my command now. I will teach them all a lesson.” 

Draco thought he successfully won the argument as he started motioning for you and the boys to move when Bellatrix yelped an, “Ah!” 

Everyone including you and Draco turned around to see that Bellatrix was holding onto Hermione, who looked like she was whimpering in internal fear. 

“I believe this mudblood and I are going to have a conversation, the rest of the blood-traitors can go with you, Draco.” she held Hermione now in the shoulder, waving away Draco and the death-eaters. 

“Very well,” he nodded, “Onto the cellars, you filthy rats.” he said, pushing you. 

While walking away from the living room, you managed to turn around to give Hermione an encouraging look on your face as she was now about to have a little conversation with one of the most psychotic wizards alive. 

She tried giving you the same encouraging look considering that you too, were about to go through some serious things as well. Although, something told you that with Draco’s stellar performance of pretending to despise you, you were going to be taken cared of well. 

So you gave Hermione another facial expression before turning back, it was a slight frown at her, realizing that you were leaving a good friend of yours in serious trouble while you were probably saved from that kind of treatment. 

The short trip to the cellar was quite quiet on your hand. Harry and Ron were speaking of horrible things about Draco to each other, knowing perfectly well that Draco could hear them. 

Walking down to the cellars, Draco looked at the death eaters handling the boys and nodded, “I can take it from here.” 

They simply nodded, walking back up the stairs to return to living room. Draco painterly waited for them to be out of sight as his eyes were watching the shadows of the death eaters starting to vanish. 

When their shadows were long gone, Draco let out a huge sigh, dropping the superior aura he had been carrying all day long as he slouched, opening his arms to envelope you tightly into a massive hug. 

“Oh, my dear, my dear, I missed you!” He confessed. 

You hugged him back, rubbing his back as he started inhaling and exhaling with such pace. “I missed you more, Draco, are you alright?” You asked, pulling away from him, cupping his face with one hand. 

He smiled, raising his hand to hold your hand which was softly rubbing his cheek now. “I’m not the same without you. I could ask you the same, please, are you hurt?” He sounded so cautious, looking at you, up and down to scan if you were alright. 

“I’ve had better days,” you joked, causing him to smile. 

“I know,” he said, “But honestly, my love, I have missed you. I couldn’t stop thinking of every worse situation that could have happened to you. Every night, I pray to Merlin, asking him to keep you safe and alive. I-I have nightmares of you, getting hurt, and not being able to save you, and it pains me, Y/N, I can’t lose you, okay? I’m so fortunate that you’re here alive. I would be so lost without you, I don’t think I could keep this up anymore had I known you were gone.” 

You felt like your heart had just melted as your-not-so-secret boyfriend confessed his love to you in front of the most important people of the battle. If you could see your exact reaction to what Draco had just said, it was like the most sincere puppy eyes you could give him. It was like you were about to tear up and wail like a pained animal. 

Placing your hands on your cheeks, you melted, “Aw, Draco,” 

Draco, without thinking twice, pulled you in, closing the space between the two of you as he hugged you even more tighter than the first hug you gave each other just a few seconds ago. He rubs your back this time, softly stroking it carefully as he remained silent, knowing it was your turn to confess your feelings to him. 

“I don’t want you to ever think about the worse things happening to me, okay? We will get through this together. We are a team, remember? It’s just you and me forever, Draco. I think about you every second of my life and I will never stop doing that because you and I are meant to be, forever. We need to continue watching each other’s backs, okay? We’re the only way we can keep going in life. When I’m far away from you, just remember I’m always in your heart. You got that, Dray?”

“Mhm,” he replied, covering his face on your shoulder, to hide the emotions he was displaying from Harry and Ron, who were shockingly witnessing a relationship that was kept a secret for years and now had gone public. 

Pulling away, he wrapped one arm around you, so he could turn to the shocked Harry and Ron and quietly said, “I will help all of you,” he muttered, “I will help all of you escape.” 

“Thank you, Malfoy,” Harry whispered, giving a nod of respect to Draco, who looked at you with a small smile on his face. 

This was certainly not the ideal way to publicly reveal yourselves as a couple but the love couldn’t keep you and Draco Malfoy from hiding the secret another minute or two longer. The separation the two of you had ever since the battle had started getting more intense had made it harder for the two of you to see each other, or even communicate by owl. 

Seeing each other after such a long time made it very clear that it was time to show everyone what they have been missing for years as the two of you had let go of the very secret you both swore to keep shut until it was the right time. 

Smiling, you looked up to see your boyfriend seem very eager with his word. Knowing that you were looking at him, he turned to you with a relieved smile. He slightly towered down with his head, kissing you in the forehead, which made you giggle slightly, knowing that he enjoyed giving you small forehead kisses. 

Perhaps sometimes love can be unpredictable when it comes to time.

[babysizedfics]

so basically ... he was neglecting his adult headspace, then neglecting his littlespace, and those and his middlespace emotions hit him back to back? poor ro ro - 🌙

thats exactly it moon, he was neglecting his adult life for months then when he realised he threw himself back into ot head first

and he felt so good being back with his friends and having a boyfriend and doing hrownup stuff that he thought that meant he should focus on that, and because he felt so good being grownup he thought that meant it would feel bad being little

there was a tiny bit of embarrassment linked to his littlspace too now that he hanga out with his friends and remy ans jamal because he realises when they ask him what he did yesterday, it makes him blush a little to think 'well actually i played make believe with dad and sat in moms lap while he read to me'

so then he decided he didnt want to be super little anymore because he feels so good being big, surely he cant have fun with both right?? he just aways throws himself into things fully, all or nothing

but hes been forcing himself to not be little (or to be in middlespace instead of littlespace) when he wants to be and its starting to catch up ro him

this is why he's been extra little (calling the cgs mommy and daddy) a lot more often recently, whenever he does let himself be little he tries to get it all out of his system, and honestly theres an involuntary element to it too - he doesnt want to be that little but hes been repressing it so much that it kind of happens anyway, especially because that headspace is brought on by negative feelings and hes been pretty stressed the past few weeks

and yeah the stress also comes out in middlespace where hes grumpy, but mainly hes grumpy because he WANTS to be little but he basically stigmatized his littlespace because of all the tricky feelings so now it was tainted by embarassment and a feeling that roman had failed at being an adult

but last night he had a whole night of being little with mommy and daddy and baby vee was mostly asleep, so they focussed on him completey for hours . he wasnt even his usual bouncy playful self, he was just extra little and super cuddly and kind of quiet because all he needed eas comfort and affection and the cgs gave him so much (ill post the concept soon)

and today once roman grows up (after finally being playful and cute and bouncy again) theyre going to have a big discussion about all this and roman is going to be honest about it. he admitted some of it last night in tears, ans logan promised they would help roman find a balance, and thats what theyre going to work on today as well as give roman tons of reassurance that theres no shame in being little

EDIT: i think roman has also subconsciously been stressed because janus is starting to become a bigger part of their lives, and its the same as when vee first moved in, roman can cope with small impulsive changes but big life changes really throw him off and upset him - plus of course he is protective of his baby sister and doesnt trust janus not to hurt her again. so theres also that sitting in his mind but i dont think he realsies yet

[savetheblackpaladin]

Could you do headcanons for how the paladins might react to their s/o telling them theyre going to have a baby and what gender their baby will be?

Round 1 in the pregnant S/O series!!!! More to come after vacation!

Also I’m adding Pidge to this under my HC of her as a trans woman so that’s that.

This would take place when each paladin is about 22-25. I ain’t about to advocate teen pregnancy (i’m a result of one so don’t worry, I’m not shaming. I just want what’s ideal for the smol children)

Under the cut bc it’s long

You looked at the offending stick in your hands, to scared to turn it over and reveal the truth. Maybe your period was just super late? Like 6 weeks late…Unlikely, but totally possible. Also, who knew what space did to the human body? Being in anti-gravity could totally mess with your uterus, right?

You groaned and dropped your head. You knew better. There were only two options here, either you were pregnant or you weren’t. “Fuuuuuuck!”, you groaned before quickly flipping the stick over before you lost your nerve, again.

A smiley face looked up at you. A purple, offending smiley face. The audacity! How can it be so happy when it was going to turn your weird space life upside down! You sighed out your nose and flipped the other three tests sitting on the counter, maybe this one was wrong?

But nope, not today. Three purple smiley faces looked up at you. Well, four for four. It was time to find your boyfriend/girlfriend. There was definitely a baby on board.

Hunk:

you found him tinkering away in his workshop, fully occupied with his work but he acknowledged you with a quick nod so you sat down and waited. You’ve been dating for 6 years now and you still never tired of watching him work. You’re heart swelled with pride at the knowledge that he was going to be your baby’s daddy

he finished up within a few minutes and turned towards you

“What’s up, Cupcake? You’re looking a little…” he didn’t finish the sentence but held up his hand and wobbled it in the universal “eeeh” gesture.

You took a deep breath, this was going to be like ripping off a band-aid. “Hunk, Sweetness? I’m…I’m pregnant…” You held up the four tests for him to see.

He looks to the sticks. He looks to your face. Then he looks to your lower stomach; he thought it was growing but he didn’t think anything of it. Sometimes space was stressful. 

Then he faints. Like straight up faints and falls off his chair with a solid smack onto the floor.

You immediately rush to his side and attempt to wake him up by shaking him, this was not the reaction you wanted and now you were Panicking

He comes to pretty quickly and gingerly sits up, a little dazed until he spots the innocent tests sitting one the floor where you tossed them.

“Holy quiznack. You’re pregnant?”

“Yep.”

“I’m gonna be a daddy?”

You smile, “Yeah, yeah you are.”

“Oh my god,” he starts rubbing his hands together, “We’re gonna be parents!?” He smiles and pulls you to him with a laugh, careful not to squeeze you too tight, he’s not sure what’s okay or not with a pregnant lady.

He definitely starts crying. He’s gonna be a daddy! And you! You beautiful creature you! You’re gonna be carrying his child!? Truly, you are the pinnacle of creation!

his sobbing causes you to start sobbing and now you’re both sitting on the floor, clutching each other and sobbing into each other’s shoulders

he eventually moves a large hand to your abdomen, truly enthralled that there’s a little bean in their that’s going to be his kid!

he tells you to sit on the bed so he can plant kisses all over your tummy

for good luck

he celebrates by cooking all your favorite meals and throwing you a small party

cries a little every time someone mentions he’s going to be a daddy

You end up having a girl, a very chubby and adorable baby girl with skin like her daddy and your hair and eye color

Lance:

You found Lance sleeping soundly in his room, clearly tired from the day’s training. You take a moment to take in his handsome face, how it’s changed from when he was a pointy chinned-teen to the strong jawed adult he was now. Now he rivaled Shiro in the looks department and you really couldn’t believe your luck.

You sit on his bed and run your hands through his short hair and it doesn’t take long for him to blink sleepily up at you, his face lighting up like it always did when he saw you

“Heya, beautiful. Wanna join me?” He yawned and rolled over to snuggle into your lap.

“Actually, I have something to tell you Lance.”

“Could it wait? I’m ssooooo tired. Shiro might be getting on in years but he still can kick my ass.” He yawned as if to prove his point.

You bit your lip, “Actually Lance, sweetheart, it can’t.”

The seriousness in your voice causes him to immediately sit up. He’s very concerned and places a comforting hand on your cheek, “Yeah, ok. What’s wrong babe?”

“You nuzzle his hand with a chuckle, “Well, it’s nothing wrong per se. It’s just…well, Lance…y-you’re gonna be a daddy.”

A pause, “A wha-at?” his voice cracks.

“You’re gonna be a daddy, Lance. I’m pregnant.”

He takes the four tests from your hand and stares at them in disbelief. And then the floodgates unleash, he’s a sobbing mess and he’s pulling you into his arms and talking to you in rapid Spanish and you only pick up enough to understand the key words “happy” and “father”

he’s ecstatic! he’s always wanted to be a dad and have a big family just like his own

he might have liked to be a little older than 23 but if he wants to get his 4 kids in before 30 then there’s no time like the present

Then he’s running to his door, popping his head out to scream at the top of his lungs, “I’M GOING TO BE A DADDY!!!! AHAHAHA! YES!!!!!”

then he returns to you, dipping you in his arms to give you a sloppy kiss

he’s so happy, so so happy and excited!

“Is this why you’ve been throwing up so much?”

“You know about that?” You were trying to hide that.

“Babe, where you’re concerned, I know everything.”

Celebratory sex (which wow, sex is really freaking good when you’re pregnant as you two find out in the coming months)

He’s calling himself ‘Daddy’ every opportunity he can, he just loves it!!!!

“You just got straight up murdered by this dad!”

“This is Lance, Blue Paladin, Defender of the Universe, Best Father in Space, expert marksman, at your service.”

“Hey lover boy, get in here.” “That’s lover DAD to you Pidge.” “I’m not calling you dad.”

“Move over Shiro, there’s a new Space Dad in town!”

Pidge and Keith take to carrying a little bean launcher and shooting him every time he calls himself a dad bc his child isn’t even born yet

You end up having a little boy, a little on the small side and he looks just like his daddy

Keith:

He’s on the training deck when you find him, like always, but he stops the droid the moment he notices you.

“Hey you, wanna spar?” He walks over to give you a small chaste kiss and nuzzles your nose with his.

You look up at his handsome face, remembering when you used to be the same height before his last galra induced growth spurt at 22. “Uhm, actually Keith, I have something to tell you. Something important.”

“Yeah, ok. You wanna talk about it now, or can it wait until I shower?”

You agree to wait for him in your room while he showers. 

He comes back quickly to you pacing back and forth, biting your lips and holding your hands behind your back, clearly nervous. Which makes him nervous too. 

“You’re scaring me Y/n.”

His voice pulls you back and you stop pacing, “Right. Sorry. It’s just I have something very important to tell you. And I’m a little worried. But it’s going to be ok! All ok!”

“Riiiiight.” Keith remains unconvinced and slips his hands into his back pockets.

“Ok, so…I don’t really know how to say this. So I’m just gonna say it. Ready?” Keith nods. “I’m pregnant! Ta-da!” You show him the tests.

He looks to you, to the tests, back to you, back to the tests, back to you and the panic comes creeping in

“Oh no,” he moans and sinks into the nearest chair, “Nononono, Y/n! This can’t be happening!”

he’s taking it exactly like you though he was going to

He’s scared. He still doesn’t know who his mom is. His dad abandoned him to the foster system and is still MIA. He’s terrified he’s going to be just like them.

he doesn’t want to abandon his kid and he’s terrified he’s going to be an awful father

when the tears start up you move to comfort him, rubbing his back in soothing circles and kissing the top of his head, letting him cry it out as he clings to you, mumbling constantly about how he’s not ready for this

it takes a long time, but eventually he calms down enough to realize how hard his reaction must be on you since you’re the one growing a living being in you

*sniffle* “I’m sorry, Y/n, that was–I shouldn’t have reacted like that.”

“Well, it wasn’t ideal, but I figured this would happen. You’re not going to be like your dad Keith. You’re going to be so much better than him. You’re going to be a wonderful dad.”

“Dad?” His voice is a little broken when he looks up at you. 

“Yeah, Keith. You’re going to be a dad. We’re going to have a little child calling us Momma and Poppa.”

That brings a smile to his face, “I think I like that. Poppa.” He tries the word and likes the feel of it on his tongue, “I’m going to be the best damn Poppa in space!”

A tall order, but if anyone can do it, Keith can

still panics whenever his future fatherhood is mentioned but he’s got this, totally, he’s not worried at all (lies)

You end up having a boy who’s average weight and length, but has white hair

shocked, you both agree it must be from his Galra heritage

Shiro:

You find him in his favorite alcove in the library, going over the most recent proposal from planet Amalthea who was petitioning Voltron to join their Alliance

he doesn’t notice you at first, so you take the time to enjoy his profile. He’s still just as handsome as the day you met him but the 2 years of battling Zarkon and Lotor had taken a small toll on him in the form of white now appearing in his sparse 5 o’clock shadow. 

eventually he looks up, smiling as his favorite person in the world walks over to him. You’ve been glowing recently and he loves it. He’s been meaning to ask Lance if he gave you a new face mask, because he wants in on it.

“Hey you, are you busy?” Shiro shakes his head in response and opens his arms for you to crawl into his lap, giving you a small kiss as you get comfy. “Great! Because I have some news for you.”

“Better than petitions?” His voice is a low, proper library voice as he rubs a thumb along your cheek.

“Well I hope so.” You pause and Shiro hums thoughtfully, waiting for you to continue, “So, you know how everyone calls you Space Dad? Welp, it’s going to be true now. In about nine months.”

He’s confused, looking like a lost puppy until you whip out one of the pregnancy tests and wave it in his face. Then it clicks. Space Dad. Nine months.

“You’re pregnant?” His voice is hopeful, “I’m going to be a father?”

When you nod and smile in response and he releases a deep laugh in shock and pulls you tight to him

He’s very excited! At first. After the initial makeout and gentle touches to your abdomen it really starts to hit him what pregnancy actually means

“Oh my god. What if I’m a bad father? I’ve killed people, Y/n, I can’t be a good father!”

It’s up to you to shush him and convince him that he’s going to be a wonderful father because he’s so sweet and considerate

he remains on the fence but is definitely excited throughout the pregnancy

he’s probably just as eager as you are to have the child out of you because he want’s to hold his precious child!!!!!!

Just to make his life hell you have twin girls, because he needs more stress

Pidge:

You found her with the green lion, busy typing away on her keyboard. You smiled at her, enjoying the way her laptop highlighted her profile. This was going to be easy.

“Excuse me ma’am? Have you seen my girlfriend? She’s super short, wears glasses?”

Pidge looked up from her work with a smirk, “Nope, but she sounds like a keeper. Please, describe her more for me.”

With an opening like that, this was going to be a piece of cake. “Sure! She’s super smart, has cute curly hair…she’s gonna be a mom.”

Pidge.exe has stopped working and she slowly turns to you with wide eyes, “Say that again.”

You smile, “You’re going to be a mom. I’m pregnant.” You hand her the pregnancy test and she holds it like the holy grail herself

“It worked…artificial–it WORKED!” She jumps up and down and latches around your neck, screaming in your face, “WE’RE GOING TO BE MOMMIES!!!!”

She’s practically vibrating as she kneels down to be eye-level with your stomach, as if she could see through you to her precious bean inside

“This is amazing. You’re amazing, Y/n.”

She’s truly astonished, and from this moment on she is at your side 24/7

she’s got all your health checkpoints down, she’s constantly making sure you eat correctly and stay properly hydrated, she’s become a true mother hen.

she’s enthralled with your body changes and also she’s not missing out on one movement of her child

Matt of course, is the godfather, Allura the godmother 

You end up having a girl who’s the perfect mix between you two, albeit a little on the chunky side. 

[tracelii]

Miss You

Some more post-eyesagao shenanigans/angst/different adult!AU. This is for both of my frendos who are working so hard I love both of them u can do, you guys, you can do!!! @poketin @ellieofmidnight

“Oh yes, I’m definitely leaving you.” He spoke over the phone. “I’m meeting her now. It’s over, man, sorry.” Ian paused, then “Damn, that’s a lot of girlfriends. I guess I can’t compare.” But he chuckled. “Yea, it’s an old high school friend, I guess we’ll catch up and then I’ll head back your way, okay?” The male lifted his head, looking around for any familiar faces. Annoyance crossed his face, but it didn’t last long with the phone still over his ear. “I love you too, you idiot.” He felt the need to whisper- not that he was embarrassed, but he did so with a goofy grin he’d definitely have to get rid of before his friend arrived. “Yea. See you later.”

It was a typically cloudy day, specks of rain beginning to reveal itself, but still Ian held off on moving inside. It had been like this all day, and to be honest, it was kind of nice. Cloudy, and sort of cool, with tiny beams of sunlight sometimes escaping the cover. It wasn’t raining totally, so as long as she showed up soon, the cover of the table umbrella should keep them dry.

Speaking of, where was she? Ian looked around again. People were coming and going outside of the café, not busy enough to be called ‘busy’, but certainly alive this late afternoon. People sat at the surrounding tables, also not worried that it would start raining. They laughed and ate amongst themselves, and Ian tried hard not to stare- he knew he had a resting bitch-face and didn’t want to scare off the locals, sitting at this table by himself.

“Ian?”

He lifted his head at the call of his voice, and had a snarky reply ready to let loose, but took a moment to take in the sight before him. There, smiling warily, was his old high school friend, Elsa.

After what they had been though, ‘friends’ seemed like a tame word. She was more like… his annoying-ass sister who he had to look after as they both faced the unknowns of the void, the place he would be stuck in his sleep, and also the demon terrorizing their friends and driving them insane. She also occasionally looked after him too, he had to admit.

But that was such a long time ago. High school seemed like a far off nightmare that he definitely didn’t want to recall, even as he was doing It right now. He grimaced.

“Do I look that bad?” She pointed at him. “Hey, nice beard. And hair.”

“No.” He said. “I mean, you don’t look your best, unless this is your best, then you look fine.” Ian said casually. He pointed at the open chair waiting for her.

“Honestly, I cant tell if that’s an insult.” She took a seat, and rubbed at her eyes. “I’m just a little tired, is all. I haven’t been sleeping.”

“That’s what I mean… You look like you rolled out of bed two minutes ago.” Ian sighed out of his nose- He wasn’t meaning to be mean, especially on after not seeing Elsa for some odd years, but something about her was just sticking out, and he couldn’t pick it. Her hair was pulled in a messy bun, and she was wearing sweat clothes, and underneath her eyes were dark. He started to empathize with the possible worry in her expression “Are you… alright?” He asked.

“Who me?” She waved at him as if he was being silly. “You don’t get to be an asshole now, Mcqueen.”

An irked smile twitched at the corner of his mouth. That sounded a lot more like her, at the very least. “I’ll be sure to open every conversation with an insult from now on.”

“That’s the Ian boy I know!” Elsa leaned forward, a kind smile finally gracing her face. “So… whatcha been up to?”

“Uh. Life stuff.” Ian said. He knew the question would inevitably come up after not seeing Elsa for so long, and yet he had no answer available. “Work. Boyfriend. Stuff.”

“Very gay, I love it.”

“Work is not gay. It’s the least gay thing in my life. It’s homophobic.”

“Someone at your job is homophobic?”

“No, working is homophobic because I hate it.”

Elsa snorted, and shook her head. “You’re an idiot.”

“Not more than you are.” Ian shot back. “So—what have you been up to?”

“Uh…” Elsa said slowly. “Life stuff?”

“Mmhm, A+ original answer.” Ian sipped on this previously abandoned water, but he kept his eyes on Elsa. There was something… there was still something off. She still looked…. Not all there. He didn’t know how to describe it- like… if Elsa was, at her best or even at her worst, 100% Elsa, right now she was like… 85% Elsa.

Even back then, when all that shit was going on at school, Elsa remained ‘100% Elsa’. It was the most admirable thing about her- how she managed to keep true to herself even in the most shitty of situations.

“Well I mean… I’m not dating anyone.” She shrugged, finally glancing away from him, and letting her gaze wander onto the street. “Me and Mimi have been off and on, but she’s visiting some family in Europe for a few months, so we haven’t talked too much.” She shrugged again. “Work stuff. Uh…” She rubbed the back of her neck now, just for the movement. “Been trying to get in contact with Traci and Ellie for a tiny bit. Just texts so far. They’ve been super busy.”

“So I’m you’re last resort.” Ian said with a chuckle. “You know I’m gay, right?”

“Listen, you fuc-“

“Can I take your order?”

They both looked at the waitress who unknowingly arrived just in time. Ian, gifting Elsa with the sassiest smirk he could muster, just ordered a muffin and some tea. It was a good morning snack since he’d eaten before coming here.

“Uh… Nah, I’m good.” Elsa shifted again. Ian noted it this time, she just kept… moving. Making the motions to make the motions.

“Water?”

“No thank you.”

Ian eyed her now as the waitress, just as confused over the situation, politely let them back to their conversation as she went to put Ian’s order in.

“Is this… a money thing?” Ian asked. “Do you need money?”

“I’m not broke, but thanks, you’re welcome to spend all your money on me if you’d like. I hope the brutalboyfriend isn’t too mad at you being a sugardaddy.” Elsa said warily.

“Elsa, there’s something going on.” Ian finally cut in.

For a second, they stared at each other, and Elsa’s lips parted as she grasped for words to compile into some sort of answer.

“No.” Ian cut her off before she began. “There’s something… off. I’ve seen you tired before. All those nights you couldn’t sleep in school, you were still you. Even when--- even when it should have impossible, you kept your chin up. I know it’s been a while, but there’s something—“

“I thought--- I thought I was in the void.” Elsa said breathlessly. “A few months ago I thought I went back to the void.”

Ian’s mouth hung open. “-wrong. What? What?” The void didn’t disrupt him as much anymore- he still had to interact with the mysterious place he went to as he slept, but it only happened every once in a while- once a month. If he kept them happy, they would leave him alone, that was pretty much it. “You’ve been to the void?” As far as he knew, the void (as it was somehow a ‘where’ and a ‘who’ at the same time) rather plainly disliked Elsa. It was he, Ian, who started bringing her along with him every night (back when the void forcefully whisked him away every time he slept) when Anti was trying to scare Elsa out of trying to save Ellie and Traci by giving her nightmares.

“Here’s your order.”

Dumbfounded, he stared at Elsa glance out into the lack of traffic as his muffin and tea was set before him. The waitress probably had asked him something- probably if he needed anything else, but his eyes were wide and he was frozen. He didn’t say anything, and the waitress quickly excused herself.

“No… No.” Elsa said quietly, once the girl had left. “I thought it was. It was…. I was dreaming. It felt real at first, but I can tell the difference. Dreaming eventually feels like dreaming. Being in the void was like being wide-awake the whole time.” She looked down.

Ian remembered to breathe, and looked down at his almond poppy muffin as unspoken relief washed over him. “Okay.” He said, and sighed again. “Sorry, I jumped to conclusions. What about… the dreams?”

“It made me realized that I missed them.”

Ian, for the millionth time paused, leaving Elsa the chance she needed to elaborate.

“Uhm… the girls.”

“The… void girls.”

“Yes.”

“The ones who seduced you and tried to keep you in the void and tried to kill me. The ones who were like… evil versions of you and Traci and Ellie.”

“Uhm… They were, misunderstood. Anti made them, yea, and they did try to kill us at first, but they changed.”

“They weren’t real.”

Elsa winced. “They were. Even before they had our faces, they were part of the void… but Anti gave them an identity.”

“Your identity, Elsa.”

“No—I mean--- they became their own people!” Elsa said. Her body was tense. “You---- you just don’t get it.”

“Yea, I don’t.” Ian shot at her. “They’re long gone. What do you want with them?”

“Uhm…” Elsa said again. “I… have you see them, when you go to the void? Do they say anything about me? I… I wonder how they’re doing all the time. I worry about them.”

“Elsa, I haven’t—I haven’t seen them.”

A shiver ran though the girl’s body, and she grew embarrassed. “Wow… wh… what a relief. Hey, hows everything in the void anyway?” Her eyes focused on his muffin, then his tea, then her hands. She avoid his critical expression. “Judy still there? The plant, I mean. Does it grow? Does the tv still have those stupid knobs? The couch still comfy?”

“You… You miss everything, don’t you?”

“Huh?”

“You miss me.” Ian said slowly. “You miss the void. You miss the void girls. The real girls.”

“N--… No-“ Elsa shook her eyes, but they next time they met, he held her gaze with a challenging one of his own. “I don’t miss them!” Her voice shot up, cracking, then she nervously looked around- a few people were looking, and she ducked her head. “No, I just… Maybe—Maybe if I can just go back to the void. You can take me back there. I just want to see them- I want to make sure theyre okay.”

“Elsa.” Ian said slowly. “I’ll even admit. They weren’t totally evil. And you saw something good in them that I didn’t see in them- that Anti didn’t even see in them… but they’re just part of the void. I know you’ve been wanting to check on Ellie and Traci, and hang with them again, but you cant use the void and Grace and Kelly to fill that. You’re missing it, and belive me, I got that, sometimes the void felt like—I don’t know, that it gave you purpose outside of school shit. But that’s in the past for you- its almost in the past for me. You have to move on.”

“Ian.” Elsa said, her voice trembling now. “They need me to take care of them-. They need me.”

“Who. Which ones are you talking about?”

“Ellie.”

“Ellie?” Ian questioned.

“No! I said Kelly, you heard me. I know Ellie’s a grown-ass woman, she can take care of herself.”

“You said Ellie because you miss her.” Ian said. “And you think that even if you find Kelly and Grace, that it’ll fill what you miss about your friends. Did you really try to contact them? I spoke with Traci just last week. She’s not that hard to get a hold of. Are you sure you tried to contact them?”

“Ian you’re fucking confusing me. I never was talking about Traci or Ellie.” Her voice twisted unpleasantly as she tried to keep a cap on her volume. “You’re… you’re putting words in my mouth.”

“I’m not going to take you to the void.” Ian said, his voice sharp.”If you really missing something you need to connect with your friends. Your real friends.”

“Fuck you.” Elsa’s voice was quiet, but shook with rage- with—grief. “They would call me if they wanted to. They’d come see me if they wanted to, Ian. But Grace and Kelly cant do that. I’d… I’d even like to see Chelsa again.” Tears spilled from her eyes. “I just need to see them, I just need to make sure they’re okay, okay? How dare you try this psycho-analyzing bullshit on me.”

Ian leaned in closer to her. “I don’t know how to help you, but this isn’t the way. How about we just---“ There were certainly eyes on him. “Lets just head back to my place, and talk about this.”

“In the void?”

“No.”

“That’s what I thought.” Elsa shoved at the table, knocking over Ian’s water, and knocking the air out of him just a bit as the table bumped against the body. He coughed, and raised his hands as the water spilled in his lap, then started climbing up to his feet. “Elsa-“

“Stay the fuck away from me!” Elsa stumbled as she stood up after another shove parted her from the table enough to stand. Her world spun, and she gripped the table, but she laughed harshly, and stood up again. “Why did I think you’d ever want to help anyone but your god-damn self.”

“Elsa!”

But Elsa’s head was pounding, and she could feel hundreds- millions of eyes on her. She shook her hand, rubbing at the tears, shed and unshed, and rushed out of the fenced in group of tables.

Ian went up to go after her, but by time he had dug his cash to leave for the tea and muffin, she was nowhere to be seen. He gritted his teeth, trying to politely pull attention off of him. He opened his phone as it rang, and put it up to his ear, but moved onto the sidewalk, looking for sight of her.

“Listen, I’ll have to call you back.” He said quickly, and hung up. Surely, his boyfriend or whoever the hell that even was would understand.

-----

The girl blinked as she looked at her phone, the ‘call ended’ screen blinking at her. “Wow…” he sounded in quite a rush. Her grey-ish, blue-ish eyes spotted her bag and she tugged it off the turntable baggage claim.

Ellie turned back to the familiar Japanese airport, and smiled a bit to herself, feeling at home once again. She couldn’t wait to see her apartment and her friends (if Ian ever remembered to call her back). A thought occurred to her, and her expression brightened as she moved to hail a taxi.

She could probably hang with Elsa! They needed time to catch up, honestly- they hadn’t spoken in so long…

“I hope she misses me as much as I miss her.” Ellie said to herself with a chuckle.

[mayardsale]

The clouds were suspended over the church as we found our car in the light spring rain. The cooler temperature matched Tara’s mood. Her exit from the parking lot matched her anger. “Please slow down,” I calmly begged, knowing full well that Tara wouldn’t. I’d given up hope after she ran the second red light in as many intersections. “Killing us both won’t bring her back,” I said as I watched her tighten her grip on the black leather steering wheel. Tara and Stephanie had been best friends since college. Last week’s bicycle accident was as unexpected a tragedy as any of us could have imagined. They’d ridden through those woods for 15 years with the occasional bumps and bruises, but the fall that took Stephanie’s life was a shock to Tara’s core. As Tara pulled over to the side of the winding highway, I unbuckled my seat built. She was in no condition to drive after the funeral. For a week she was a rock for everyone because she was the closest person to Stephanie in the world. She executed everything from funeral arrangements to financial specifics. Tara was everybody’s rock, but I wasn’t sure if she had sustained her own head trauma during her wipeout. “Can you pull over more?” I asked as I looked over the back window at the traffic hurdling through the mist. “Why the fuck didn’t she listen?” Tara whispered, hands still fixed to the wheel. “She could have stopped. Why didn’t she fucking stop?” She gripped the steering with all her might. I just closed my eyes. Tara’s pain was exploding while my guilt was eating away at me. Stephanie may have been Tara’s college roommate and best friend, but three years ago Stephanie and I developed a closer relationship. *********** Tara was in Montreal for a conference when Stephanie built up enough courage to make her move. For years it was obvious that Stephanie had a crush on me. She’d always deny it, but Tara and I knew that she was infatuated with me. It was a joke for five years. And then it wasn’t a joke. From practically the beginning of our relationship Tara and I weren’t on the same page sexually. We were more than in love, but Tara grew less and less interested in sex as her career took off. My dick was a minor distraction in her world and she had no trouble telling me. “Please take care of that elsewhere,” she’d tell me, but I didn’t think that was what she really wanted. Every other week or month she’d apologize and we’d fumble through an intimate act that only frustrated both of us. We were making it work, somehow. The rest of our relationship was actually amazing, but the tension around our sex life made for some terrible fights. Truth be told, I found her career and personality both too intimidating and important to bother with my petty needs. One particular week she practically laughed at my needs. “If your dick was in that much need,” she sneered, “you’d have bent me over and simply fucked me.” That was her special kiss goodbye as she got into the limousine on her way to yet another speaking engagement in Paris. Humiliated and emasculated, I spent the better part of the week buried in work. I hit the gym at 6AM, at the office by 8AM and didn’t get home until 10PM. Tara’s apology texts went unanswered as I feared her return Saturday morning. When I pulled into the garage Friday evening, I found Stephanie’s car in the third section of the three car garage. I could hear the vacuum cleaner in the family room, but I chose to keep to the kitchen. As I made myself a sandwich I heard the vacuum turn off and the worst version of Sade’s ‘Smooth Operator’ take it’s place. Stephanie obviously had her headphones on and hadn’t realized anyone else was in the house. As she danced into the family room, I was greeted by a Raiders t-shirt and an orange thong that was not quite the typical maid’s uniform. Tara and Stephanie were best friends in the same way that Tara and I were married. Tara made the rules and Stephanie willingly followed. From job choices to boyfriend breakups, Stephanie was dependent on Tara’s advice. Their relationship was so close that I wondered if Tara’s lack of sexual interest in me was related to her connection with Stephanie. Of course I didn’t have the courage to ask Tara so I brought it up to Stephanie. “Not our thing,” Stephanie simply denied. I was kind of hoping it was, but that was the last of that conversation. “Oh, Jesus!” Stephanie screamed as she finally realized I was behind the island watching her one woman show. “Why didn’t you tell me that you were home, asshole?” she shouted as she caught her breath and fell to the couch. “Didn’t think I had to announce myself in my own house,” I replied. I tried to focus on my turkey on whole wheat, but my dick was captivated by what that orange thong was trying unsuccessfully to contain. “Tara asked me to straighten up the house before you she got home because she said you were MIA,” Stephanie explained as she tried to wiggle her thighs into her t-shirt. “Where have you been?” she questioned accusingly. “Working,” I answered flatly. “Working so hard you can’t text your wife?” Stephanie barked back. “At least I can wear pants,” I snickered in return. “Shut up!” Stephanie laughed. “They’re in your wash,” she said as she bounced up from the couch and scuttled up to the island so I couldn’t see below her waist. “Barbecue stain,” she sighed. “I bet,” I continued to snicker. Stephanie was an amazingly beautiful woman, but she never felt comfortable about her shapely curves. She hit the gym constantly to keep fit but no amount CrossFit could contain what God bestowed upon her. In contrast, Tara could eat anything and stay supermodel thin. “Fuck you,” Stephanie laughed. My not-so-subtle jab at her weight was clearly a reminder of what Tara had been punching since they were freshmen in college. “At least you’ll have something new to think about when you’re jacking off tomorrow night!” “Why don’t you give me a little show to remember?” I pushed back. “I don’t get that much eye candy around here.” Stephanie stepped back from the granite island with a stubborn defiance. Her muscular frame held up her round dimensions and my eyes recorded every inch. “Is this what you’d like to see?” Stephanie softly spoke, her typically high pitched voice turning sultry. In that moment the joke was over. We were no longer mimicking Tara’s cruel treatment of our faults. We were two adults alone with a clear need for a connection. A connection that involved positive vibes. “You know that your body is what Tara wishes she had,” I said I stared with an appreciation and sincerity typically reserved for exquisite works of beautiful art. “I don’t think I care what Tara wants right now,” Stephanie responded as she shyly pulled her black & silver t-shirt over her head. Her near naked body was something I’d imagined for years as a simple curiosity. As she walked toward the kitchen I forgot about all of the mean jokes we’d told each other over the years. Those jokes that amplified Tara’s dominance of us were what kept us from noticing each other. Those jokes kept my dick from throbbing in Stephanie’s majestic presence. But Stephanie traded those shallow swipes at my dignity for a validation of her womanly beauty. There were no more mean words in Stephanie’s mouth that evening. Just my dick. ********* “You’re driving isn’t that much better,” Tara sneered as I turned our SUV into our serene neighborhood. I slowed the truck as I navigated the puddles before turning into our driveway. While I waited for the garage door to open, Tara unbuckled her seat belt and got out of the truck in the pouring rain. She couldn’t spend another second in my presence and she needed to cool off. A week ago she watched her best friend fall 1000 feet and she hadn’t said a word about it. I didn’t know what to do. So I sat in the truck. In the rain. In the driveway. With the garage door up. ********* For two years Stephanie and I took quiet advantage of Tara’s frequent business trips. Our foreplay consisted of mean-spirited daggers at our personal insecurities in Tara’s presence and then radio silence until the last day of Tara’s trip. The tension of openly sparring in front of Tara and potentially getting busted made for an amazing two years of happiness. Even Tara seemed content knowing her two closest people were twistedly enjoying each other’s company and I was a lot less horny when she got home. Of course I faked it a little, but I was less cranky when her answer to my requests was 'handle it yourself, pervert’. Then, as expected, everything changed. For two years Stephanie and I had kept our encounters playful. Oral and handjob were the menu’s only choices. We were naughty but the thrill was easy and freeing. My face between her thighs or her hands in my boxers were therapeutic releases. No condoms or lube or preparation. What was clearly planned had the feeling of spontaneity. We had a secret instead of an affair. We were like teenagers full of nervous energy and bound hormones. Unfortunately that playfulness ended when Stephanie showed up at our house one day into Tara’s weeklong trip to Sydney. I was working on my laptop on the back porch when I heard the garage door open. I was in my boxers because it was a warm evening and our backyard faced the dense woods. As I kept working an hour passed and I assumed that Stephanie was just in the neighborhood and needed a place to crash. She was the only other person with a key to our house. Maybe she was watching TV and enjoying a free meal. As the sun dropped into the crowd of trees behind our house, I heard the patio door slide open. Before I saw Stephanie’s naked body I smelled the wine. I was thoroughly confused. Without a word or eye contact she took me by the hand and led me to the couch placed in the middle of the deck. There was no witty banter or laughter on her lips - just a tinge of red wine. This was heavy because I realized my face had never been this close to hers. While her hands were clearly wrapped around my growing dick, her mouth was someplace new - my neck. Soft kisses were piling onto my clavicle as I questioned where to put my hands. They’d only ever been in her afro, in her pussy or on her breasts. But they remained to my side because the only obvious choice was wrapped around her waist as she began to straddle me. This was no longer playful. This was intimacy. She never kissed my lips but I knew what was next. The taste of the red wine couldn’t mask the sense of passion that accompanied her wet kiss. I could feel her easing my growing dick into her warm pussy, but I was too engulfed in her quiet kiss to really notice. I sat like a statue trying not to place my hands on her waist as her teeth gently bit my upper lip. As Stephanie rested her hands on my shoulders I realized that she no longer saw me as a fun release but rather a partner in joy. Her hips barely moved but I could feel her pussy squeezing my dick with gentle hugs. And with each passing minute, the hugs got tighter and the pressure of her biting intensified. For two years we laughed at the guttural moans we shared under each other’s stimulation, but this was thunderously silent. As her thighs tightened around my waist I fought the urge to wrap my hands around her waist the way the dark sky clinched our scene. A slow tremble melted over my nervous dick as her legs shivered and her nipples pierced my chest. The exaggerated writhing of her hips and boisterous swearing of her mouth that accompanied my tongue between her legs had been replaced by a blissful silence that brought focus to the rhythmic contraction of her pussy that slowly drew the life out of me. And lastly I could feel her nails gracefully trace into my back shoulders with the precision of a caligrapher’s pen. The sting I felt from those intense scratches as the humid air rested within the shallow wound woke me from my trance. We had shared more than 100 moments of cum soaked laughter over the previous 700 days, but our math was inverted that warm evening. And before I could make rhyme or reason of our situation, she had exited as quietly as she entered. I could have held her there to stay. But in truth I never held her. ************ I finally entered our house with the sole intent of taking care of my wife in her time of need. My steps were calculated and my breath was deliberate. I knew she was cold and wet in the living room, but I stopped in the kitchen to make her favorite tea. The house could feel the unbalance as Tara was losing control and I was looking to steady the ship. “She wasn’t supposed to…” Tara tearfully started as I placed her Brazilian tea on the table in front of her crossed legs. I patiently waited for her to finish her thought because in the last week she only spoke in cold facts about how she’d lost her best friend. She was being her usual strong and controlling self around friends and family, but from the time we left the cemetery I could feel her beginning to unravel. Then Tara broke down in sobbing tears. I was as frozen as I was when Stephanie decided to join me on the back patio a year prior. I clearly sucked at these situations, but I had to be better this go round. After that evening on the back patio, Stephanie and I never connected again. We only saw each other in the presence of Tara. Our time alone during Tara’s trips were never discussed. Even our ongoing jabs that acted as foreplay in front Tara ceased. We had nothing. “She couldn’t stay on the fucking path!” Tara grunted as she reached for her tea. “I told her ass to stay focused, but she didn’t listen. Stupid girl!” I’d heard her explain the accident 20 times over that last week. To the police. To Stephanie’s parents. To everyone. I could retell every moment as if I’d been there. In vivid detail I could describe beautiful morning air that sung with spring lyrics. I knew the dewy green grass that lined the path below the three evergreen trees. I could see the spokes cave as Stephanie’s tire hit a patch of rocks scattered on the right edge of the path. I could hear Stephanie’s nervous laughter shift to frightened swearing as she lost control of her front wheel near the sharp turn at the bottom of the path along the hill. I felt the momentum that carried Stephanie over the edge of the rocky terrain. I could identify every thorny shrub that scarred Tara’s legs as she climbed down the hill to find the remains of her closest friend. I could hear Tara dialing 911 while she held Stephanie in her arms as the sun glowed bright. Tara needed a 911 call now. For herself. I could see the hurt in her eyes, so I kissed her on her forehead and ran upstairs to run her a warm bath. Warm tea and warm bath were the best answers I could think of to drown her tears. As I ran the water and took off my tie I could feel her presence enter our bathroom. She’d heard the water and disrobed. Inside I might have been confused as to what to do, but on the outside I was becoming her rock. “I don’t deserve you,” Tara spoke softly as she walked up to me. I gently placed my hands upon her waists. With a slow focus she helped me removed my clothes until we both stood naked under the sunlight that began to break through the clouds outside of our window. Her thin brown frame then began to lean into my chest as she steadied herself with my arms. Only one part of my body was prepared for her eventual position as my eyes fixated on her ass moving further from me as her mouth wrapped itself onto my dick. She sucked me with an intensity that was as pointed as her neglect had been awash in our marriage. I found myself frozen again, but this time I held on to my instigator with a love that felt rewarded for enduring the unrequited passion that coated my every inch. And in an instant I released every ounce of love that I had on reserve into Tara’s welcoming mouth. As I slowly regained my composure, she led me to the tub. We carefully climbed in and I sat behind her while she sank into my chest. The hot water cooled to the perfect temperature. For ten minutes we sat in silence until I asked if she was “going to be okay?” Tara arched her head backward toward me and grabbed my hand, gently resting my palm against her neck. I could still feel the tears falling onto my wrists when I felt her tense up. Then with a subtle nod I could feel her swallow. Swallow me. As my brain processed her actions I couldn’t control my smile. And I could feel her smile as well. Relaxed. Then with a ballerina’s deft Tara stood up and turned toward me. The warm water trickled down from her hardened nipples onto my bald head. She then threw her legs over my shoulders and leaned back. Her hands gripped the sides of the tub while her pussy began to grind the smile off of my face. With my tongue I wrote 'I love you’ over and over. Her hips thrashed as her ass splashed heaps of water onto our bathroom floor. I gripped Tara’s waists like I planned to hold her there until the end of time. I wasn’t going to ever let go. Her wet pussy was engorged and she began to convulse as though she was about to cum. Tara released her death grip from the tub and leaned on my knees while her pelvis worked her pussy onto my face. Worried that she might fall I reached behind me and gripped her ankles to anchor the intense whipping her pussy was dishing out. “Oh fuck!” Tara shouted as I tightened my grip on her ankles. I could feel the scars from the shrubs. Most of the scabs had fallen away, but I could feel the patterns. “Fuck!!” Tara shouted as her thighs nearly squeezed the life out of me. She was fucking my face with too much enthusiasm to realize my mind was now focused on the scratches on her legs. The deep scratches on her legs that felt as though they were written by a skilled caligrapher. As though the signature included the pain of an unrequited love. “Fuck!!” Tara gasped as she held one last squeeze against my face. As her ass sank into the water and she collapsed onto my legs, she saw the look of understanding in my eyes. “Stupid girl,” Tara snarled at me as she closed her eyes to hold back the tears or to enjoy the afterglow. “I told her to stay on the path.”

[imanameture]

I think I am going to kill myself

This seems like the best place to leave it. nobody follows me here so nobody will try and stop me. It is friday, october 6th 2017 at 1:16 PM. and i think im going to kill myself.... hopefully today. hopefully before my roommate gets back. I might attempt to hide myself... just, go someplace else. 

im tired of trying to talk to people, therapy is only making it worse. i think i would just rather die

now before someone tells me that its a “permanent solution to a temporary problem” might i remind you that in death... I wont care. i’ll be dead, I cant be missing life or regret what i did. If i am already dead.  I’ve wanted to for years

people just always insist on stopping me why though

everyone says all these great things about me but how many of them truly know me

how many of them know my favorite color or why i liked photography

who knows what it is that makes me a BAD person

people always try to convince me i’m good. 

im not good

I like to look at both sides of the spectrum

I like picking the bad guy

because i see why they did it, 

i can easily side with your standard disney villans, like scar and gaston (sort of, he was an arrogant dick i know, but so were most men back then and frankly most continue to be) 

I can remain neutral on things like mass shootings

I dont stand for hate crimes. that i cant do, people suck, we are all temporary, mortal, but honestly the same, we can be boiled down to the same basics, human beings, coming from different places results in variations in appearance and beliefs, culture, food, anything really...

i believe there are no good guys, or bad guys. people make choices based off of where theyve been and what theyve been through. and while it might not be whats good for you, it could be whats good for them. I mean really. out of everyone in this world. you’re probably thinking about whats best for you before you think of whats best for anyone else.

Which brings me back to my point

I think im going to kill myself

this is the decision that is best for me. 

In 19 years, I have never enjoyed confrontation, it makes me anxious, it makes me angry, it makes me scared and confused. I dont like it. I can not stand it.

So i never tell people whats going on thats bothering me or hurting me or impacting me negatively

I never told my parents that their constant punishing me for my grades, made having friends and a social life hard, I couldnt go to birthday parties or movies or the mall, because i struggled to get good grades. I couldnt do school, So i couldnt have many friends, that was fair, thats a productive punishment.

I never tell my boyfriend when his constant insecurity and bellyaching about things bothers me, Because i love him, I want to help him, i do, but i want him to remember that because we’re doing life together. it doesnt mean every aspect of our lives need to involve each other, I made plans with friends,you should too. I love him. and thats what makes doing this so hard, the one heart i cant bring myself to break is his. he only wanted to love and support me this whole time, he just wants to give me the life i dream of. he wants to give me the world. and i know he’s trying. and im so grateful that i got to spend these last four years with him. but i dont think i can do life any longer. I dont have the fighting spirit he fell in love with anymore. its not your fault, you did everything right. i just cant do it anymore. You are so deserving of love babe, you have so much to give, even if you cant see it. you do. thats what makes you a good friend, a good listener. an amazing boyfriend and an even better fiancé. Im sorry for taking me away from you, but someone who can love you better. who can make you happier will come around, she will give you the life you deserve. 

I wish my friends could help. but they tend to make it worse on me. I know i dont talk much, but please stop saying im secretive( that goes for you too family) Im not secretive. i just dont know how to address people about my problems. and when i bring it up, and you comment on how im finally talking. it makes me regret it instantly. I know i dont talk. I KNOW. but i dont need to be reminded of it, especially when im upset,

 Thanks uncle dad.we’re very similar, you told me that at least. But the days where i’d be upset and you’d just sit there with me while i laid in bed, quietly crying to myself. not saying much. just, existing there... it helped.

Since school started, i’ve been holding out, i havent done it yet, because my roommate was not ok after losing a friend earlier this year. and it sucked to watch her be like that. but i dont want to make myself suffer anymore, i’ve suffered in silence for so long, its unfair to me to have to stick around when i’ve already been so sad for at least 11 years. i dont want a lifetime of it

theres no guarantee that it’ll be a lifetime.

but honestly. theres also no guarantee that it wont. 

my friends have been going through their own things. i worry about them, and i love them, but honestly. once i reached the point where i no longer valued my life, i stopped valuing most lives. human lives.

 I still care about animals. they’re cute and bring me calm. I would love to have my cat here, or be able to adopt a kitten or a puppy, they’re sweet and small. theyre warm and i could hug them when i’m down, but my mother says no. so i dont even bother bringing it up to a therapist. 

I wish my friends werent going through what they are, none of them deserve it. the hardships and pain of life. of growing up. of learning to adult.  I hope they live long happy fulfilling lives. They deserve it, they deserve the best.

Ive hated my life

the more i think back on it the less i feel like it matters

my life that is

look. you want to know something insane, that i still dont understand

how could someone so ugly, be molested so many times

like

wow.

kindergarden

7th grade

and one time at summer camp

i guess thats not a lot. 

but i think one time is too many,

genuinely. 

MY BODY

has been taken advantage of

by so many people, they decided, not me, that i was theirs to touch, and stroke, and grope...

i guess thats why i cant stand physical contact with strangers... or anyone who  i haven’t explicitly told they are trusted.

i’ve been writing for an hour.

WOW

this really feels like a suicide note. 

Ive been saying goodbye for an hour

My therapist said to contact him if the feeling to kill myself ever came. 

not happening

I’m not telling anyone... not even my boyfriend,

i cant tell anyone, they’ll just try and stop me.

I could point fingers and blame, but i wont.

My parents were wonderful. They made mistakes, but no parent doesnt,  life comes with no handbook, and when you have to maintain your own and build something sturdy for your children, so they can live a good life. it can not be easy. I think you guys did amazing. and i love you. even though you can drive me absolutely mad, I love you guys. my parents are my first love. theyre amazing.

My sister is my favorite person, we always had a good relationship. shes my sister, she taught me everything i know about life, She does everything in her power to help me. to fix things for me. to make me laugh and smile. Most recently her daily spoop messages. she’s the reason i maintained an interest in anything, She sends me memes, and links, and music. she shows me plays and movies. she has the best cat, both of my sisters cats have been my favorite, when we got shadow i was 6, and scared of her, I wanted a dog not a cat, but we got a cat. and after a while i warmed up to her, shadow was gentle and sweet and beautiful. she would come to drink your milk after you had cereal, and she would lay on my foot when i pet her to keep me from going away. and laf is the cutest most noodly cat i have ever met, he’s thin and floppy like cooked spaghetti. and i love him.

I wish, i could put into words. why i cared for the people i did so much, why i did everything in my power to make them happy, 

but i cant

and if you’re reading this i’m sorry.

I cant keep making up excuses to live another day.

i have shit grades, i have a shit attention span, I barely have job and i know i’m not good at it. 

i’m not good at anything, I’m not creative, i cant draw, my photography is sub par, I suck at making new friends and honestly i feel like nobody really wants to get to know me. 

I dont believe suicide is the answer

i never have

but I dont think i have any other way.

I had dreams of getting married, and starting a family. I had dreams of studying abroad with my friends. I wanted to move to california. I wanted to see every disney. I wanted to travel the world with my best friend. I wanted to freelance.

I dont want much anymore

shit. i dont even want to eat most of the time

i dont even want to finish this post.

it is now 2:36 PM

Im wary... i am unsure if i can. 

but i think i will

I THINK IM GOING TO KILL MYSELF