#whoever did tjat

[nrc-confessions]

Now that the latest Scarabia party is done and I’m slightly less shit faced here’s my apology list

The random Diasomniaa student that I spilled my drink on, sorry for ruining ur shirt

Kalim, sorrh I uh, sat on your lap

The Octavinelle student I called a bitch ass motherfucker, I’m sure you’re nicde also tjat might’ve been shell mod? Idk they had purpl haid

Kalim, sorry I said you smel good

The super tall beastman who’s tajl I tripped over, sorry abt that

Kalim, sorry I kept calling you pretty

Jamil, sorry I threw my drink at you like five times ACTUALLY IM NOT SORRY YOU DESERVED RHAT

Floyd Leech, sorry I tried to climb you like a pole ur jus tall

Kalim.

The heartslabyul student who I told to suck a dick, I don’t even know why I did, don’t feel any obligation to do tha

Kalim I’m so sorry I’m genuinely so sorry

My friend from Ignihyde who’s dorm I crawled into after running away from all my problems sorry you had to listen to me cry and rmable but thanks for the cheez its you’re a resl one

Kalim, sorry I said I love you liek 87 times I do not mean it (I definitely do not mean it I swear kalim I do not mean it I swear pls believe me I swear we can still be friends like normal I swear I was just shit faced drunk I genuinely don’t mean anything of it you can forget any of this ever happened and we can go back to how it used to be okay)

AlOS KALIM SORRY I TRIED TO KISS YOU I UH. SLIPPED

ALSO SORRY TO WHOEVER OWNED THE PHONE THAT I THREW OFF THE BALCONY?? IT HAD LIKE A LIGHT PURPLE CASE IDK I IUSY FUCKING CHUCKED IT

-🕷️

Thank you for your confession!

😭😭😭 KALIM ON THIS LIST HELPPP

[maccharliedennis]

This episode was stupid but mostly the MARKETING around it was stupid. It was literally hyped up as being this big amazing thing where Glenn got to show off his incredible classically trained Julliard style acting and it was supposed to make you empathize with Dennis and

Everyone from the actors to the director to the camera operators was talking abt it like it was going to finally be the Dennis Catharsis arc

But literally nothing happened. It was just a run of the mill boring-ass episode.

And if this was pre-MFHP then I wouldnt care as much, because i'd be lile "oh hahah yeah well its the peepeepoopoo show so what'd you expect!!" But. Now? Now theyve set those expectations. They've demonstrated their ability to delve into deeper issues and display them seriously on screen. Which is why this fucking sucks so much. They teased us with the idea tjat this would be Dennis's big emotional moment and then juzt pulled the rug out from under us like NOPE! Even tho we did that in the past, doesnt mean we are gonna do it again. Even if we all post about it like thats what happening!!!!

Pleass rcg, sunny marketing team, God Jesus and whoever is listening......if it's a standard epiaode please just Say So. Don't make us think its gonna be Dennis Finds His Pride if its not. Because.... Like.......as a queer neurodivergent person whom has seen that happen COUNTLESS TIMES........it fucking sucks every single time and never stops feeling like a betrayal. Just advertise the show As It Actually Is and dont try to act like it has this huge Emmy-worthy moment when it Doesnt.

[outrunningthedark]

As much as what Tim is doing is infuriating, he did give proper credits when something he thought was a good idea to whoever thought of it like Lyndey and The Grant family, Nadia and the dispatch, Kristen and the flybot emergency, and that podcast where he says tjat the colostomy bag is one of the writers' idea.

Aside from attributing the will scene to KR' mother and her mother's best friend even though it's partly Tim's idea, has she ever done similar things or did I block it from my memory?

I almost mentioned this in the ask about not really knowing which writers come up with stuff unless the showrunners tell us, but I didn't want to say anything before devoting some time to search. From what I've been able to find, Kristen does not single out any specific writer when discussing story lines. Her go-to response is "we" (the writing team as a group), or she gives her perspective for why a scene played out that way it did. She didn't speak after 6A's "special episodes" (6x03 + 6x06), which makes sense because she can't really...relate to any of it (and doesn't want to insert her opinion where it isn't wanted), so we have no way of confirming who contributed what to the stories (if she would have said anything about it).

[lovemars]

hm. time to psychoanalyze myself i think. cw traumadumping cw long ass post cw oversharing 😭

the srs cws are talk of sex and stuff but in a sad way not a horny way, sa, men on the internet being gross, bad coping mechanisms, etc

like. idk. i was thinking abt this last night and now im thinking abt it more and like. i feel like. the way i appear in headspace and stuff is just. completely based after. OH MY GOD SOFT BOY CAME OUT? um. sorry it just came on shuffle. ANYWAY. 😭. i feel like how i appear and everything is just based off of like our brain trying to be attractive to- well men mostly. other genders nd stuff but mostly men Specifically cis men. and like. literally none of us actively want to have cis (esp cishet) men attracted to us ❤️. but its like, i know Why like i know its cuz one of my roles is a sexual alter and our brain made us appear the way we do in headspace as part of it trying to keep us safe etcetc WHATEVER i dont care 🫶. like. i literally even- like for instance when we were dating our ex i remember trying to like. be attractive to her and make her like me/us even tho like. i was uncomfortable as fuck and like. i did the same with redacted from irl and just didnt set boundaries at all- no thats not true we definitely did set boundaries. i was just bad at enforcing them- i guess cuz i was like. idk completely lost in this mindset of like, not being able to say no and not feeling safe and feeling like it was my only purpose inguess?

and then like- i also feel like. imean i dont really get the love languages thing but if i had to pick one it would definitsly be words of affirmation and like- i feel like. okay 😭. im not a good person by. whoever the fuck uhh. pat the bunny i think? plays in the background. like for years and by for years i mean ever since 4 days after i turned 18. my thing had been like. posting on reddit . in various subreddits that like, Well the men in them are not very nice to me or to women . and like. i feel like that ties back to the words of affirmation thing cuz i was like intentionally seeking out people who would hurt me (<- which also ties into being a persecutor). and i dont do it anymore because months in the getalong shirt with nik made me feel bad abt it 😭 and then i started to realize that i like when people are nice to me actually. and then i was like Huh maybe tjats not super healthy for me probably. (it is not). well and thats the reason im banned (by nik) from reddit and sex with cis people forever.

but like. 😭 SORRY THIS IS SO LONG. writing a damn novel here. ANYWAYYYY. the whole posting images on reddit dot com -> talk to creepy men on reddit dot com -> intense self hatred and shame -> nik fronts and freaks out and deletes everything -> i feel bad -> i do it again next time i feel like making myself feel terrible on purpose for fun Spiral. like. ive spent all this time gojng down that spiral and now its like. bro i jusr want someone to be nice to me. like i spent ages convincing myself that actually i didnt care abt the shit those men were sayinh & that i liked it and now im like. i literally dont. like. i dont wabt someone ive never spoken to who didnt even say hi or ask what im ok with to say like. waves hand. stuff im not repeating just make up something genuinely disgusting and a bit terrifying and ive probably heard it. and now i dont even KNOW like. what i want i guess. idek my sexuality cuz ive never bothered to think abt what i want cuz i was too focused on what people i dont like/am scared of/etc to think abt how i felt. which in retrospect. bad and scared and. etc.

anyway. idk its just dawned on me the other night how much of who i am is wrapped up in how much i want everyone to like me all thw time and also how much i dont like myself. and like im working on it. and if working on it means thinking about drm from minecraft youtube ******* ** ** ***** so be it i guess 😭. idk man if nik can read dr*amnotnap fic and call it coping i can thirstpost abt drm in my head. idk.

ig im just. now that im able to be more normal and rational and stuff im able to see like. damn i was really bad at dealing with my emotions and tried to do that in ways that were not healthy for me or anyone else. and now all my sense of. who i am is wrapped up in that i guess. which sucks. and im working on it . SLOWLY! but im working on it

tldr: damn this guy should probably talk to a therapist abt all this shouldnt he. well thats okay at least hes hot

[wamiandayne]

I said, "to whoever took out that hanschen eats spiders and fucks bowser and put that he loves ernst on hanschen rilow's wiki, your mom's a hoe"

[elysianslove]

miss maam u kno what,,,,lately i've been thinking of giggly sex/laughing during the do n it's just all light n fun??? there's just something abt that which screams domesticity for some reason,,,the level of security n comfort u have w ur partner where u can just be urself n be silly :(((( and then they just match ur energy like :(((( pls literally just talking while having sex like asking them if u guys still have milk while they're putting it in or something n they just carry the conversation KDBSNDND THERE'S SOMETHING ABT IT OKAY. I WANT THAT FJNDFJ or when something funny happens n the both of u just burst into laughter while holding each other and ure both just smiling while kissin :((( n e wayz where is miya atsumu i want him to do this with me NAO >:(

also did u receive my last ask?? if not that's okay! but in case u didn't, yea u can use my art as ur wallpaper if u want to!!!!! i'd be honored!!! and good luck with your smau!!!! MWAH —🦊

i was just talking about this w my friend yesterday omg.... like ur bf or whoever is busy pleasuring you, head buried between your legs and you just go, “babe, we need a new couch,” and instead of chastising you for not paying attention your s/o just lifts up their head and goes, “yeah, we can go to ikea tmrw.” LIKE PLS I LIVE FOR TJAT SHIT ,,, just domesticity and everything that relates or hints at it is so good.

AND LOOK WHATS LITERALLY IN MY DRAFTS

i would show u the rest of that screenshot but it spoils what i wanna write in it n the fact that i also think tsumu’s the perfect fit for it 😭 hbwnsnd BUT YEAH I JUST. I AGREE.

also im not sure if i did ive been receiving a shitton of asks ill double check !! but ALSO THANK YOU YAYAYAYAY THANK U FOR THE PERMISSION <3 and thank you, luv u mwah <3

[lightcomingthroughthedarkness]

In other news, I was offline for about 5hrs to come back to my TL full of B*b liking (and unliking) a tweet consisting of T***ya cutting her hair short (like Eliza's) and then comparing that to A**yn (his ex) when she basically adapted his accent (which to me sounded much like El**a's)... I mean, I can already see the hate storm brewing from all sides : Pineapples, BumbleBees (A***n's fans) and whoever else that hates for nothing.

BOB LIKED TJAT TWEET SHADING ARRYN AND TASYA I WHAT

Oh god... I'm 1000% sure it was an accident and he unliked it. We know Bob sees our tweets and that he is somewhat aware of what happens in fandom. Literally not a bone in my body believes he did that on purpose. I've accidentally liked tweets too and had to unlike.

I better not see any shit @ him for this or I will lose it.

[iolite-ethereal]

Ok so starting around 9:10 or so tonight i almost died 3 times in the span of 5 to 10 minutes

Idk what it was that helped me be it sheer dumb luck or whatever but in the span of 10 minutes (at most. Likely less than that) i was both incredibly unlucky and incredibly fortunate. Pretty much I almost died 3 times within that 10 minute span.

I was trying to ride my bike home from work with a latte in hand, in the dark- and while i do have a proper light for night riding and i am able to ride with a drink in hand easily- tonight was not my night. Not even a block from my work, i managed to be blinded by oncoming headlights on the road to where i couldnt see a bump in the sidewalk that made my handlebars swerve unexpextedly, which startled me into pulling the breaks. On the ride to work i discovered that my handle bars were loose but i didnt have time to find a different ride, so when i hit the breaks the bars shifted down as i was pushed forward by momentum. I lost balance, and fell, latte in hand, left into the grass, which is more fortunate than right into oncoming traffic. I ended up only skinning my knee slightly and quite comically falling onto by back leading to pouring some of my latte right over the bridge of my nose and onto my face and eyes. Unharmed but shaken i gathered myself up, fixed my now twisted handlebars into at least managable condition, and attempted to carry on my way, only to almost get hit by a car speeding out of a nursing home driveway not 50 feet away from where i just fell. The driver didnt even give a shit and also i fucking hate tjat nursing home bc they thought it was a great idea to put tall shrubberies all around to the point where drivers cant see out into the road where they need to turn so they get impatient and zoom out without looking. But yeah car looked like it had already gotten hit from the side once and the whole time the driver was just lookin left and when they saw me we made eye contact and then they just kept going like bitch you /know/ what the fuck just happened, you can fucking /tell/ and you dont give a shit? I hope whoever you put in that poor nursing home os treated well and is dissapointed in you and your life choices and if you work there then i feel sorry for every one of your clients since you obviously dont care about people's well being jfc. And after that i decided to call it quits bc i can take a hint considering how hard i had to brake and shove my foot on the cement and swerve bc of that person so soon after wiping out so i texted my dad to come and get me. After he replied i decided to wait in the light of the large lamp hanging from the sidewalk entry of that stupid place bc tbh thats a decent spot to be. I was visible, and away from the splash zone of the puddle as well as the murder driveway of the nursing home. But qhile waiting i got worried about the idea that maybe something fell out of my backpack when i fell, so i turned on my phones flashlight and walked away from my bike, back across the hellish driveway, back along where i probably fell, and, seeing nothing, walked back. Of course on my way back across the driveway of evil a car decided to quickly turn into this dam thing and of course once again i am almost ran over. Honestly what the hell. I get the first time bc its a divided driveway so of course you cant see on the right turning out but turning in? The giant ass sign in the middle of it lights up the whole damn driveway! I was fucking VISIBLE. INARGUABLY. VISIBLE. WATCH WHERE YOU ARE FUCKING GOING. So in the nd i just stood on the sidewalk and waited for my dad to grab me and as i expected the normally impossible task of getting my bike in the car was made possible with my new magical posable handlebars and i got a ride home. And of course somehow getting the bike in the car jostled something too much and the damn mechanism got fucked so now the pedals turn without moving the chain. Hooray. Lovely.

In the end im left with a minorly broken yet inoperable bike, a tiny bit of skin shaved off but no blood lost, a surprisingly only slightly lighter latte cup, and a somewhat sore upperback. It was also kinda sprinkling so im suprised my clothes didnt get soaked sitting in the grass? Either way all that is better than a mangled leg or cracked skull, or getting hit by a car (or 2), or whatever the fuck else that was awaiting any more than half a block away from my work. Seriously im starting to think that if i hadn't stopped when i did then i was gonna actually get hit by a car or mugged on the way home or something. I feel like one of those cartoon characters that keeps having near misses with anvils and pianos and cliffs but is unscathed, thought this doesnt make me feel invincible but rather cautious. Anyway, good night to you all and i hope you have a better time than i did in your near future!

[accomplished-automodad]

I followed you because there were a large number of your posts reblogged on my dash and I figured it would increase that number.

::::0 WHEN I WANNA KNOWWHEN WERE PEOPLE REBLOGGING MY STUFF THAT MUCH I FEEL SO HONORED WHOEVER DID TJAT I WANNA HUG YOU

[apologeticallys]

hey.. zach... there's absolutely no way I can get this to you, i dont know your skype anymore, you probably changed it anyways, and you deleted your tumblr. I'm sorry I dated you. I'm sorry I pulled you into my shit. back then, i was 16. man. what a fucked up year. i only got worse. 16 was the year I was obsessed with dating someone, whoever was willing to date me, and id treat others who weren't interested in me shittily. yeah, more shittily then how i treated you. i envisioned my future w ppl I dated and latched onto them and drained them emotionally. I've gotten worse w that since then. I'm not sure... what caused me to send you that ask. bpd? no. i don't know. even the post i discovered years later of an answered ask that said compulsive cheating is a bpd trait, like, did a professional say that? no. the bpd/mental illness community has gotten so fucking toxic and i absorbed all the toxic parts of it. ...but.... i didnt... i didn't necessarily feel bad for what i did to you till a couple years later... i lied to ppl saying id get better to rope them into staying w me longer, every manipulative tactic you could think of, i adopted and used. ah, i remembered, idek if this is true, from what/how im abt to explain it but. some bpd ppl are risk takers, and compulsively ruin healthy things, or st like that. but definitely taking risks is a bpd trait, and im a Big Risk Taker, and have ruined so many healthy things since you. ...anyways, i felt bad cuz, i sort of cheated on you? I eventually realized.... i severely fucked you up, and you most likely developed trust issues. I'm deeply sorry. i fucked up, and i was/still am fucked up. there's no denying that. you didn't deserve tjat. you also shouldn t have been in a relationship w someone who was 16 going on 17. too old. I'm sorry I didn't realize that at the time. i rly dont remember our interactions before i did That to you, like I can't remember if i ever started being unhealthy to you (asking to spend more time/demanding more attention to me, being negative to you whether w or w/o a reason, being abusive and manipulative basically), but if i was, I'm sorry. i don't want you in my life. i can imagine you definitely don't, and I've imagined over the years tjat you probably never wanted to hear anything from me again, even if it was an apology, and if you did listen, you probably wouldn't believe it. or if youd wanted me dead, and called me your abuser or st. I'm rly sorry I damaged you. you didn't deserve any of that. i hope you've recovered from that. and I have no idea if you'll ever see this, as I have no way of getting this to you. i don't even know if your name is zach anymore. but hey man, pls be alive and doing so much better w/o me, and i hope you didn't let anyone else treat you badly again

[bankofamericavevo]

a single text frm my ex

”dude im so confused like wtf is going on???”

i’ve been polite and apologetic, so why are you like “hey so what’s up talk to me” and then like *radio silence* every week??? is this middle school? is this degrassi? anyways im sick of being terrified to text you because of how you responded with the intense blocking (???) and what alexander has said. im glad you finally acknowledged my apology, though it’s clear that apologies apparently mean shit all to you, bc i literally apologized to you multiple times profusely and honestly but you weren’t ready to talk about anything. the first time i tried to apologize you literally said “youre only apologizing out of peer pressure.” like what the heck??? do you realize how messed up that is to say to someone who cares about you and who you care about? if you really thought that, that i was capable of that, then why are you even friends with me? why do you even care enough to be mad, if you think i was the kind of person who wouldn’t actually feel bad if i hurt you? and when the hell have i EVER apologized out of peer pressure??? if im pissed, im pissed, and you know it. i lowkey ignored alexander for months when i didn’t think he acted fairly towards me when i’ve always had his back - i think i make it plenty clear. conversely, if i feel bad, i apologize and do some corresponding action(s) to show that i really feel bad, which i did. i deleted my instagram account and told you that i felt bad for what i said and that’s why i deleted it, and said i was sorry. nobody fucking MADE me do that, or even suggested for me to. just because someone might make a mistake and hurt you doesn’t mean you get free reign to treat them however the fuck you want. you didn’t even talk to me after that week and then blocked me on literally everything ??? as if i even show up that much on anything but tumblr and/or snap?? and i know what i did and what i posted was wrong, and i am sorry for it, but it was also incredibly immature and out of character for me!! and you didn’t even think to ask if i meant that, or call me out yourself like “dude wtf is that insta post about me for?” or talk to me about why i said it or how you felt about it or facilitate any sort of conversation about it. but anyways after that i apologized again multiple times to make sure you really saw that i was indeed sorry, once even in person, and at that time my whole attitude and body language was literally filled with shame and relief and joy to see you and talk to you and apologize to you. i was and always am ready to know how to improve things, in spite of all the various mental and physical problems that i have. hey, you know something? it’s almost like we’re friends and i care about you!!! and even when i fuck up and hurt you, i care about you and what you think and feel and how you’re doing!!! and what i can do to help!!!! anyways, on top of this i apologized profusely about you/to you via alexander and sabrina as well, when they literally sought me out for the sole purpose of like? reprimanding me or some shit? on your behalf and putting words in your mouth, even though they are NOT involved in our relationship, don’t know everything about me or even about you, honestly, and have no right to pass judgment and verbalize their hurtful thoughts to me, especially fucking sabrina. she NEVER texts me back or even tries to maintain a friendship relationship with me, who the hell is she to suddenly appear out of the blue to tell me she “was so happy i was growing but now i’ve disappointed her” and make me feel like some schoolchild who needs to stand on the wall during recess ????? as if she even knew any of the growth i’d done other than what was told to her filtered through your voice and mind. she never seems to give a fuck about me apart from when it has something to do with you, so what the hell? there was no reason for me to deserve that, especially not from her, someone who hasn’t had a heart to heart with me in like two years. and im sick of hearing 10 different stories about what MIGHT have gone on / be going on in your brain from Alexander and Sabrina and other people, who don’t even know all the facts or what happened or even exactly why you’re upset. every time i ask for clarification or to be told specifically exactly what all you’re mad about (because if i don’t know exactly for sure, my mind wanders to bad places and i start overthinking every single action, which detracts from the main point, leaving me with the complete wrong impression), everyone always keeps saying “you know what you did” all dramatically like this is house of cards or law and order or some shit??? like calm down! i obviously am still confused and don’t know exactly, or i wouldn’t be asking, and i obviously care to fix it and make it right or, again, i wouldn’t be asking! and when sabrina was scolding me or whatever, i literally had to correct some of the information that she was incorrectly upset with me on your behalf about. and since im assuming youre the source of that information, god knows what the hell you’re thinking, or what all your assumptions and anger are based on!!! you may even be mad about shit that didn’t even happen or isn’t true and never has been or that you assumed, all because you never talked to me!!! like when you assumed i cheated on you??? what kind of person do you think i am??? you assumed that about me, and then immediately accused me of it like im even capable of that???? like i even have enough game?? for god’s sake, you thought that when i said you were my best pal that i was acquaintance-zoning you, when i literally have talked to you every day for like 3 years and love you to bits and pieces??? and i know i hurt you this night too, and i’m sorry that was completely unintentional and caught me by surprise and im sorry i said things in a way that triggered you, but do you honestly think im like a super femme pokemon like altaria, or like roserade - when im so obviously not that femme of a person???? im not NOT femme but im no altaria?? and just because i dress up when i hang out with you, doesn’t mean that there isn’t more to me apart from how i dress? and if i say i think im monferno, and relate to that and feel that, then maybe consider that you could be incorrect and that my self-assessment might be more accurate than your assessment of me? someone like sabrina could maybe be a roserade, all pretty and fierce. but not someone like me! anyways, do you still think that? that im all femme? or that i hate you, or that i’m out to get you? or that i’d cheat on you???? because all those thoughts are all evidence that just goes on to show how bad you are at perceiving and understanding me. so do you really trust everything you maybe have assumed that you think about me or my thoughts and feelings or reasoning behind my actions without confirming anything with me?? what the hell did you even tell them anyways, that made them vilify me to that degree and treat me as though im incorrigibly horrid? i didn’t murder anyone, i didn’t cheat on you, i didn’t even break any rules??? i didn’t know what was happening in my head myself and i wasn’t ready to tell you and also assumed you weren’t ready to hear any of my thoughts/perusings in that area. but what alexander and sabrina said to me? made it sound like you’re a saint and i’m uncontrollably evil and batshit crazy (and i hate using tjat word but jesus). and that literally fucked with my brain and self esteem so badly, and you already know how crap that is (it’s what caused most of this mess in the first place) and just because i made a mistake and we’re in the middle of an argument does not mean that i deserve to feel like that, or view myself like that, or to be treated like that. what did you say to make them completely ignore and forgo my own friendship with them and treat me like literal shit as they stroked their own moral egos for telling me off in your defense? and i know you let them because alexander sent me a screenshot where you literally said he could say whatever the fuck he wanted to me on your behalf. and if you have the right to literally make most everyone i know in this state hate me to the point of them seeking me out and making me feel like an irreparable disgusting monster and then actively ignoring me for a mistake that i made, accepted, and apologized for (which you don’t, by the way, but you did it anyways, so about what i said earlier, you can say whatever you want to whoever but you need to learn to fight your own fucking battles, and you need to take responsibility for the consequences of what you tell people and what they do with that information), then i at least deserve to know what the hell is happening in your brain, why you thought it was a good idea to drag this on for so long without even directly speaking to me and allow other people to speak for you, and why the hell it is that you can forgive shruti after they ignored you for literal months, or why you can hang out with amy who literally makes your stomach curdle and makes you hate yourself to the extent that you get anxious and sick, but you can’t treat me, your fucking best friend, like a FRIEND who made a MISTAKE and is OWNING UP to it and is SO OBVIOUSLY TRYING to make it right. im not forcing you to forgive me, or even asking for you to, but your policy about not talking about important stuff that you can grow from just because it’s difficult or because it hurts you is honestly? complete shit. that’s not how you talk to people or maintain relationships with them. and just as i have shit to learn from this experience and work on, that’s something that you do too.

additionally, about what i said earlier about my misplaced guilt, i’m sorry, but that’s kind of on you. i phrased it nicely earlier, but i am NOT responsible for how you feel about my feelings (that i am not in charge of/in control of) for other people. “it feels so good to see you blog about hahn and caroline in a way that you never blogged about me, it makes me SO wet!” is pretty much what you said to me on tuesday when we facetimed. i had not slept at all the night before, was cramming all night for my chem final, took my chem final, just came out of a two hour yelling session with my best friend holly (which actually allowed us to work out our issues and im grateful she spoke to me clearly and honestly like that so we could resolve the problem as effectively as possible. so. idk what i did to make you think that i was rolling my eyes or being dismissive of her and what she said to me??? but wtvr), i had a pounding migraine, and my eyes hurt like hell. but you had asked me what happened so i just called to tell you what happened, and you like ??? suddenly start with that ??? completely unrelated topic that i am not even responsible for??? you didn’t even address the actual problem, the actual reason you actually had a right to be mad at me about!!! look, i am not yours. i like you a lot and wanted to give us a shot to see if we could work out, and i cared about you enough to try before dismissing the possibility. maybe that was wrong but i was trying my best and have learned and grown from that. i was not trying to hurt you, and i learned my lesson that it can still hurt anyways, and we already talked about that stuff and resolved it as best as we could. and i know you’re not mad about that, you get it. it might hurt, but we talked about it so you’re not mad. but what you said to me on facetime on may 9th? is NOT my responsibility. i can’t MAKE myself be obsessed with you, not that i’m even sure why you’d want me to be in the first place. i have told you repeatedly that being like that makes me feel disgusting, and is terrible for my mental health, and regardless of whether who the object of that angst is, it feels fucking terrible for me to experience and i hate it and i hate thinking like that and being like that. and you know that. and the reason i blog about it at all is because i want to flush it down the toilet, get it out of my head and out of my life, so i can breathe again before i get consumed by some trash useless feelings, but i want to be able to see what i said and thought later when i’m better, to remember that it did in fact happen because of my memory issues. and yet you were upset about me not angst blogging about you??? because you never treated me like the people i DID angst about did??? are you seriously upset that you’re so nice to me that i unconditionally love you??? and back when i did angst abt you and you saw my sideblog back in september or october you got pissed and rightly so, and i apologized then and i explained to you then too that those are my toilet thoughts?? and then i made my vent insta for being similarly salty and flushing away similar crapola thoughts like ??? like for example, im not still upset with autumn for protecting hahn back when i was mad at him. i was irritated then but i dont give a fuck now. same with the things i vagued about you - i was mad and pent up then but i dont think any of those things consistently and im obviously not mad at you now. that doesn’t excuse saying them, or make it okay, but it helps explain where i was coming from in my irritation. people say bad shit they don’t mean in a fight. that’s not an excuse, that’s a fact. people also apologize for saying shit they don’t mean in a fight. that’s what i’ve been trying to do for two months now. im guessing the blogging thing you said might have been something you don’t mean that you only said bc you were pissed, but i don’t know because you HAVENT SPOKEN TO ME. im currently still frustrated with this situation regardless of you saying to clear it from the top of my mind, and im upset and annoyed that what sabrina and alexander said to me made me feel like the worst person alive, which i know i am not by any means. bc i’ve deleted those things i said and also apologized to you for them. so like what else can i do? im not justifying my insta posts or defending them, i know and admit that they were unnecessarily mean, and a paragon example of the word Extra but im just asking you to be a little introspective. since we didn’t talk properly or clearly after that, and we were both highly emotional and upset, anything that we may have spoken about tuesday night (may 9th) does not count as us talking about this issue in a beneficial manner. and we haven’t spoken properly since, which i do Not Like. how do even know what you’re supposed to be mad at someone about if you haven’t even talked to them?

and speaking of angst, just so you know, you were so fucking wrong about Hahn this entire time. all your weird suspicions that you kept projecting onto me about me being angry because i still liked him were all fucking wrong. i emailed him on may 4th because i felt like complete shit, like i was powerless, and it was the only thing i felt like i had the power to change in that moment. it was me doing something to try to drag myself out of my own mental hellhole. and at that time he and i talked, but i did not forgive him. but then three weeks later, in the middle of this shitstorm between you and me going down, he called, crying, saying that he wasn’t ready to be friends again, and that he may never be, and that he’s sorry but he’s not at that stage. and i said thanks for respecting me and telling me that, i wish you the best, goodbye. and that ended that. so im not talking to him currently and im fine, because all i ever wanted was just to be treated like a human. and i haven’t thought about that boy angstily since and when he does come to mind? i feel nothing. just calm and normal and pleasant. so you were wrong to make me feel paranoid and guilty and gross in my own skin because YOU thought i still liked him, and also it wasn’t cool that you somehow conveyed to alexander that ME trying to DO SOMETHING for my crap mental health made you sad because i was “shoving it in your face” ??? that im somehow responsible for how you’d feel upset ??? about me FINALLY getting some semblance of peace and getting over a mental block i’ve been tormented by for MONTHS???? one that you knew all the gory little details of and still insisted that i reevaluate because you thought i liked him??? bc im sorry that it made you feel bad, but you insisted on me telling you everything always, so i did, honestly, but ultimately your suspicion that i still liked him hurt both yourself and hurt me. and my entire attitude when i told you and alexander about talking to hahn on the phone was empowered and salty and savage and relieved, not goo-goo-eyed in love or any crap like that. so there. that’s some shutting down of some of your unkind thoughts that i know are often intrusive or mean to you, and im willing to do it as many times as it takes for you to believe me. and i know that your insecurities and intrusive thoughts are not your fault, but you need to be aware of when those intrusive thoughts affect your relationships with other people, and so do i. i let my intrusive and frustrated thoughts hurt you because i was mad, sick, and sleep deprived, and that was fucking wrong and messed up. i should have shut up then and then asked you to explain to me what you felt when we both were calm and ready to talk about things. and im sorry for it, and have been ready and willing to make up for it for a long fucking time. but this is a rule that applies to everyone, and letting our intrusive thoughts hurt each other is something that we both do, and that we both need to work on in general for ourselves and the people we love.

so all in all, please stop holding your moral high ground over me until you’re ready to do it properly, so either disappear for a while like you did before and take your time to deal with it on your own and be mad or whatever, or speak up now. because i can’t stand another second of this stupid weird fake melodramatic dancing around, where you peek your head out the bushes for a moment before vanishing again. i thought we were good enough friends to grace each other with the honest opportunity to talk it out, including BOTH PARTIES communicating, even if you ultimately decided you needed space or didnt wanna be friends or whatever, since we’ve both done shit to each other in the past and gotten over it. but i guess i’m not a friend, anymore ??? in your eyes?? all because i made one mistake that i am apologetic and regretful towards. oh, and before you go to sabrina and alexander and shriya (who literally just dumped a boy and got with a new one within like two days??? and yet IM judged and “insensitive” for catching feelings after a month since we broke up?? ok 😒) and the rest, if you’re offended, maybe try considering that if someone you supposedly care about makes you upset, the normal thing to do is to talk to them rationally about it and explain to them clearly why what they did made you upset, and what you expect from them moving forwards. when you’re mad at people you love, and you’re fighting with them, most people like to try to resolve it as soon as theyre ready and as soon as possible, not drag it out for months, include everyone they know, and allow their friends to say whatever they want to them. not ignore them for months, let other people say random shit to them to stroke their own egos, and assume that everyone can read your brain and knows exactly how you feel. to axie at one point you said “they know what they done” but obviously i am still unclear about it if you don’t tell me with your own words why exactly you’re pissed??? so do with that what you will, because if you think that this mistake defines our 6 year long friendship where we’ve frankly overcome much worse shit than this, if you’re really that shortsighted and salty and naive (which I like to think you’re not) and if you think that i don’t have other shit going on in my life apart from you to deal with and spend my time on, and that i’m not strong enough to move on, then that’s your problem. talk to me when you’re ready to be real about things. it won’t kill you to be emotionally vulnerable with your supposed best friend for 10 seconds. im sorry about creating this mess. let’s try to work on fixing it. and if you’re not ready to talk about this? then let’s continue this radio silence thing. and let’s talk only when you’re ready to address this and move forward from it.