#why are cats so freaking shakespeareans and why do I love it?

[artistikitten]

* Casually Pretends To Faint *

[findingjoynweirdstuff]

Dream SMP Recap (August 11/2020) - Maybe this is why you shouldn’t do musicals

Tommy performs a solo of Hamilton while held at gunpoint and wins over Dream with the power of music before war breaks out over a horse corpse after a rendition of “Blitz” by Technoblade leads to murder.

Meanwhile, Fundy hatches an evil plot and steals the throne of the Dream SMP kingdom with Jack Manifold’s help before getting into trouble over a kidnapped bee. Tubbo becomes a lawyer, be careful.

L’Lawyerberg is founded...L’awyerberg?

The server also gained a new member: Quackity! 

A large portion of the day’s events take place in Shakespearean English. 

Enjoy.

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VOD LINKS:

Ponk

Fundy (August 11 is the correct date)

Tubbo

Tommy

Tommy (Quackity segment)

Skeppy

Thunder1408

Eret

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- Fundy starts off in his underground base. 

Fundy: Me is at thyn’t base

Tubbo: L’manburg?

Fundy: Otherly speaking, that which is owned by myself

- Fundy meets Tubbo on the Prime Path. He puts back on his L’manburg outfit, and Tubbo declares him no longer a rebellious teen

- They go over to Tommy’s home, which has been turned into Hell, and Tubbo builds Dream. Fundy shrinks Dream significantly. They then proceed to the L’manburgian docks before heading back.

Tubbo: “Where is Jack Manifold?”

Fundy: “Where isn’t Jack Manifold?”

Tubbo: “That’s the question on everyone’s mind.”

Fundy: “Who is Jack Manifold?”

Tubbo: “No, everyone knows who Jack Manifold is, just where is what we really want to know.”

Fundy: “...Why is Jack Manifold?”

- Fundy carves Herobrine into Skeppy’s leaf roof before making it a creeper

- Fundy tells Tubbo about his evil plan. He’s been researching law, and has come up with a plan to use a law from the Netherlands to gain legal ownership of any property they want. They decide to steal the throne.

Enter Dream.

Fundy: How go’st thy?

- At the castle throne room, Tommy joins the call to briefly shout at Tubbo that Shroud is coming back on Twitch before leaving.

- Fundy turns around and finds himself face to face with Dream, who is standing there menacingly.

- Fundy kills Tubbo and Dream kills Fundy

Enter TommyInnit.

- After returning to the castle, Tubbo and Fundy have the idea to put on a Shakespearean play. Dream is there with his pet dog. Tubbo assigns Dream the role of Macbeth, since he kills a lot of people. 

Enter Skeppy.

- Dream kills Charles. He’s getting into character. Fundy congratulates him on his successful audition.

- Tommy joins the call to ask why his base has been turned into the Nether. Fundy and Tubbo tell him that they’re doing a show.They quickly build a theater stage near the Community House.

- Skeppy joins the call and they fill him in on the plan too.

Enter Thunder1408.

- Jack Manifold has transformed into Dream. He turns back into himself and arrives at the Community House.

- They begin the performance of Macbeth. Tommy ends up lip-reading for Tubbo and Fundy by speaking behind them while they nod their heads.

- Dream and Skeppy ride away in a boat together, leaving them with no audience. Tommy frantically performs for Fundy before swapping to his own part, then back to Fundy again.

(The only person in the audience now is Tubbo)

Tommy: (at rapid speed) “As whence the sun 'gins his reflection, shipwrecking storms and direful thunders break, so from that spring whence comfort seem'd to come, discomfort swells. Mark, king of Scotland, mark: No sooner justice had with valour arm'd, compell'd these skipping kerns to trust their heels, But the Norweyan lord surveying vantage, with furbish'd arms and new supplies of men began a fresh assault.”

- Dream, Jack and Skeppy return to watch. Dream pays Tommy a diamond. Tommy continues performing Macbeth solo.

- Dream is enjoying the performance so much he starts having a heart attack

- Tommy points out they would get much more money if they did Hamilton instead.

- Tommy performs a full solo of “Alexander Hamilton” from the hit show Hamilton. Dream shoots Tubbo to death off the stage. Tommy continues the performance, unfazed.

Thunder1408 from up yonder, hath fell to their death.

Skeppy from up yonder, hath fell to their death.

(Tommy keeps rapping)

- Tommy and Tubbo sing while getting attacked by zombies. As they finish the song, Dream throws them several diamonds.

- Tommy tells Tubbo and Fundy that they’ve just started the showbiz business! Skeppy comes over and asks if he can invest. They decide to name it “Pathway.”

Tubbo: “We’re being told to do Heathers. What’s ‘Heathers?’”

- Dream comes over to meet them at Tommy’s Nether house. He offers to fix Tommy’s base for five diamonds. Tommy pays him and he gets to work.

Tommy: “Dream seems to be my friend now. Have I convinced him with the power of song?”

Tubbo: “Well I mean, not until you try to get your discs back.”

- Jack comes over and Tubbo murders him for being against the showbiz business.

- They discuss the future of the showbiz business as an asset to L’manburg. They start thinking of other musicals to do. Tommy only knows Little Shop of Horrors.

- Tommy tells them that they should do a flash mob to promote their new business. He suggests singing “Blitz - Parody of “Blank Space” (has swearing) by Technoblade to appeal to the Technoblade fan club -- namely, Dream and Skeppy.

- They chase after Skeppy and Jack and start a flashmob by aggressively singing Blitz at them. Tubbo then murders Skeppy.

- Fundy leaves. Tommy and Tubbo speak with Skeppy, who is furious.

Skeppy: “I have something you guys can never have.”

Tubbo: “Good spirit?”

- Tommy and Tubbo head to Skeppy’s house.

Skeppy: “Where are you? I’m gonna burn it.”

- They ask what it is that Skeppy has that’s so valuable.

Skeppy: “It’s labelled ‘Spirit...’”

- Skeppy is holding a piece of leather. Tubbo realizes, but Tommy is confused as Dream freaks out in chat.

- Skeppy was going to invest the leather into their business, but not anymore. Skeppy says goodbye. Tommy and Tubbo decide to join Dream’s side to keep him favorable to the showbusiness.

Tommy: “There’s another war, and me and you aren’t...”

Tubbo: “Aren’t what? On the L’manburg side?”

Tommy: “No, we’re on the Showbiz side now, Tubbo. That’s our new side.”

- They meet with Dream, who is still working on Tommy’s base.

Dream: That is the remains of my horse :(

Dream: Its like your disc to me

- An explosion goes off at Tommy’s house as Skeppy sets off a creeper and dies. Tommy tells Skeppy to give them Spirit

Skeppy: “Listen, I’m not looking for another war, okay? I just -- I came after the war, I came when it was all peaceful! I’m not here to start the war!”

Tommy: “Skeppy, okay okay -- here’s a better way of phrasing it: get it out, or we’re going to destroy everything you ever once loved.”

- They threaten to get rid of the number 14, then chase after Skeppy. Tommy shoots and kills him.

Dream: Skeppy. 

Skeppy: Yes my lorde

Dream: Can I have my dead horse’s leather please

- Dream is still placing dirt. 

- They bicker with Skeppy some more at Skeppy’s house. Tommy and Tubbo decide to hold him hostage. Skeppy asks why they even want the leather. Tommy replies, to gain Dream’s trust. 

- Dream tells Skeppy that he would kill both of them for the leather. Tommy and Tubbo start running to L’manburg. Skeppy invites Dream to speak with him and says that he doesn’t like them. Dream asks for the leather.

Skeppy: “You remember everything that we talked about a couple days ago, where I’m like ‘that was uncalled for, why did you go to war with them? Like, that was stupid, they didn’t even do anything wrong?’ I take everything I said back, you were COMPLETELY in the right, they were idiots, you should’ve blown up MORE of their house! I take everything back, they’re fucking-- Come to my house, I’ll give you the leather...can we go to war again? Is that on your mind?”

- They negotiate over the transfer of the leather, suspicious of the other scamming them. Skeppy knows they might just log off, and he wants them dead now.

- Dream tells Skeppy that he does have something important to them:

The discs.

- Skeppy suggests they trade the leather for the two discs.

Dream: “Skeppy, it’s too valuable!”

Skeppy: “More valuable than your horse? Huh, wow, shows how much you care--”

Dream: “Equally valuable! Equally valuable!”

Skeppy: “So if it’s equal, it’s an equal trade then. I’ll trade you right now.”

- Dream says he’ll trade Skeppy one of the discs, but Skeppy insists on two.

Dream: “Well, it only matters really to Tommy, but Tubbo is like Tommy’s...son? So.”

- Skeppy says he’d settle for one with added riches. Dream says they should return to his house, but on the Prime Path Tommy and Tubbo come running to attack. Skeppy dies and respawns at Dream’s house again. Dream kills Tommy and the battle continues just outside Dream’s house between Dream, Tommy, Tubbo and Jack Manifold.

- They join a call together. Dream tells Tommy that he hasn’t given anything away yet, but he’ll trade one of the discs for it.

Tommy: “Why?”

Dream: “Because I NEED my horse’s leather back! It’s from my horse’s dead body!”

- Part of the deal is that the disc can’t be damaged. He’ll give away Cat.

Dream: “Tommy, I HAVE to do it! One disc!"

- He doesn’t care who he gets the leather from. Tommy has one day to get the leather back from Skeppy, but Tommy says that he’ll be visiting Tubbo the next day and can’t spend the day at war.

- Dream leaves and Tommy goes to negotiate with Skeppy. He pulls out the ultimate weapon -- Skeppy’s tweets.

- #skeppyisoverparty and #tommyisoverparty both start trending on Twitter.

- Tommy and Tubbo admire Dream’s handiwork on repairing Tommy’s house, then continue negotiating with Skeppy.

- Tommy and Tubbo realize that it would be a lot easier to take the disc back from Skeppy than Dream and tell Skeppy to give Dream the leather. 

- Skeppy tells Dream he’ll give him the leather for two discs. Tommy tells Dream he has his approval. They go back and forth over one vs. two discs.

- Tommy invites Skeppy back to VC.

Tommy: “Skeppy, meet Big Q!”

“Skeppy?! SKEPPY?! Remember when you invited me on a video and I said no?!”

- Quackity tries his best to intimidate Skeppy. It doesn’t work. Skeppy leaves to continue working on his house.

- Skeppy rejoins the call to hear Tommy and Tubbo say that Quackity’s been in juvie for 41 years. They talk about the leather again.

Skeppy: I am here anytime you want to talk, Dream. There is a reason you went to war with these idiots. Remember that. Thank you.

Dream: “Skeppy...I want the leather! Do you have sympathy? It’s my dead horse, okay? My horse died, and then Sapnap took the leather from the ground.”

- Tommy and Tubbo watch through the window to watch Dream and Skeppy negotiate. Dream explains to Skeppy that there have been multiple wars on the server over the discs, and he wants control over them. There’s no point in burning them, because you would lose all trading power. 

- Dream would never trade Skeppy both, but he’s willing to give one. Skeppy asks for Netherite, but Dream doesn’t have any to trade. He used up his resources for the war.

- Skeppy agrees to the trade for one disc. Skeppy gives Dream Spirit, and Dream gives Skeppy Cat to put in his Ender Chest. The deal has been done.

- Fundy and Jack Manifold build a little house on the roof of Eret’s castle just above the throne room to claim the throne.

- Tommy asks when Dream will whitelist Quackity. Dream says right now and does so.

Tommy: “Okay so Quackity’s not joining L’manburg, but he can be our dirty little crime boy...Our man on the inside!”

- Quackity joins the call. He’s out of juvie after 43 years. Tommy tells him that Quackity can’t join L’manburg, but they can do the cartel instead. Dream says Quackity could also join his side. Quackity weighs his options.

Enter Quackity.

- They meet Quackity at Spawn. They get to the Community House and Dream throws Quackity several diamonds. Quackity thanks Dream for helping him.

Dream: “You’re very welcome. We try and get everyone to feel welcome and at home here at Dream Team SMP.”

- Tommy tells Quackity not to bond with the green bastard and starts walking down the Prime Path. Ponk comes over as well. Dream takes off all his armor.

- Quackity doesn’t want to take sides right now. Tommy fills him in on the war.

- Tommy shows Quackity his basement and puts Quackity in prison. He tries to put Dream in prison too, but Dream’s too quick and evades.

Enter The_Eret.

- Tommy notices a mark on Quackity’s face. Dream says it’s a battle scar from prison. Quackity is upset that Tommy keeps asking about his conditions.

- They show Quackity through the sewers.

- Ponk murders Jack. 

- Fundy meets Eret at the second tower to show him the scuffed redstone doors.

- Then, Fundy shows Eret what they’ve done at the castle, fencing off the throne as Fundy and Jack’s new territory. Fundy explains law in the Netherlands to Eret while they sit at a coffee table

- Eret asks if, were he to build a house above Fundy’s little cottage, he would then own that territory. 

Eret: “I think the turns have been tabled, Fundy.”

Fundy: “I think the turns have been coffee...tabled, if you wouldn’t mind.”

- They go back down to the throne and Eret says he doesn’t think this is how it works, as he still has the crown on his head.

- While Fundy struggles with his king skin, Eret builds a platform above the house at build limit, therefore reclaiming it as his territory. While he’s occupied, Fundy takes the entire throne and moves it slightly to the left.

Enter Punz.

- Punz tells Fundy that he’s fucked up. Tubbo joins the call to inform Fundy that there’s a cartel now. Punz tells Fundy that he’s killed Beenis, the original bee.

- Tubbo informs Fundy that Eret is summoning Herobrine while Fundy hides Pog the dog behind a wall. Eret finds him quickly.

- Punz joins the call to tell Fundy that he has evidence of Fundy murdering Beenis. Tubbo says he can be Fundy’s lawyer.

- Fundy puts on his king outfit. Punz and Tubbo come to the castle. Tubbo leads them all to court. He is a lawyer. They argue about who should go in the jail hole and the death hole.

- Punz tells Tubbo that he clipped evidence from his security cameras. He explains that Fundy broke the hive and it must have died.

Tubbo: “Be careful, I’m a lawyer.”

- Punz shows the evidence of Fundy breaking the hive. They debate whether the bee would have died.

Tubbo: “Oh my god, be careful I’m a lawyer.”

- Fundy says that he didn’t kidnap it, he didn’t kill it and he does not have it. Tubbo declares the first strike and asks Punz why the bee was outside. Punz says the bee usually comes back.

Tubbo: “Be careful, I’m a lawyer! Did I mention it?”

- Fundy says the enchants on his pickaxe included silk touch. Tubbo shoots Eret with an arrow.

Tubbo: “I am a lawyer! Be careful!”

...

Tubbo: (shooting Eret again) “Yeah you can. You can rename a corpse. Be careful, I’m a lawyer!”

Tubbo: “Punz, how sad are you that he’s dead on a scale of 1 to 10?”

Punz: “Just typing his name reminds me of all the memories we had.”

Tubbo: “How many memories is that? I need a number, so I can know how many, how many, how many...yeah. I’m a lawyer, be careful.”

- Tubbo makes a rough estimate of 200 and flicks another lever.

Tubbo: “I’m a lawyer, be careful!...be careful, I’m a lawyer!”

- Tubbo asks if Fundy has any valuables on him. Eret offers to hold onto anything, so Tubbo shoots him again.

Tubbo: “Be careful, I’m a lawyer, Eret! Be careful, be careful, I’m a lawyer. Yeah, I know you didn’t, and that’s why you should be careful, ‘cause I’m a lawyer.”

Tubbo: “Be careful! Be careful, I’m a lover! -- I mean lawyer. Wrong one.”

- Fundy asks to make a claim.

Tubbo: “You’ve got one lever left. Be careful, I’m a lawyer.”

- Jack Manifold arrives in a king outfit. Tubbo promptly shoots him.

Tubbo: “Jack Manifold! Be careful, I’m a lawyer!”

...

Tubbo: “Hey, hey, you don’t talk to him! Be careful I’m a lawyer but I’m out of ar -- Punz, do you have any arrows? ...Thank you I’m a lawyer, thank you I’m a lawyer.”

“Guys! Be careful, I’m a lawyer!”

“Hey! Be careful, I’m a lawyer, I’m a lawyer. How much camera in -- the -- is there?...Okay, well you can’t leave that cell, so we’re gonna have to if this doesn’t work -- be careful I’m a lawyer, Jack Manifold. Be careful. Be careful I’m a lawyer! Be careful, Eret, I’m a lawyer. (he shoots Eret again) No no no, that was just a lawyer shot.”

“Everyone be quiet, I’m a lawyer! Okay...so order in the lawyer! Order in the lawyer, everyone.”

- Punz suddenly murders Fundy. Tubbo tells them all to be careful, he’s a lawyer, as Fundy looks into his Ender Chest and sees the beehive there. Tubbo asks if Fundy wants to sue Punz, he’s a lawyer.

Jack: “Tubbo, Tubbo...so what do you do for a living?”

Tubbo: “I’m...I’m...I paint...sofas.”

- Tubbo declares them all L’Lawyerberg. They’re doing independence again. They all head back to the castle, having created Dream SMP’s newest law firm.

The End.

[icarusthelunarguard]

This Week’s Horrible-Scopes

Aries

Your old workmates are disappointed in you. They thought you’d become more gregarious when you went out drinking, and they were wrong. But what do they know, right? Alcoholic drinks with whole milk in them have Vitamin-D in them, and since you hardly get any sun as it is, that’s a perfectly reasonable thing to drink. Even if the house mixologist gave you a funny look.

Taurus

You are going to be the butt of a great joke for Halloween. Specifically a horse’s butt. Make sure the person you’re dressing up with has good hygiene, doesn’t mind getting breathed on, and knows how to keep a secret. You might also want to consider a snorkel just in case.

Gemini

You're just a freaking liar, and we all know it. That hook-up you claimed you had with someone from Saskatchewan? Yeah, we called every phone number in every area code in the province, and you know what we found out? They said you were such a bad kisser they faked passing out on you! By the way, you owe us $37.75 in international direct-dial charges.

Cancer Moon-Child

Deny it all you want, Cancer, but you’re getting old. If we play a word recollection game, you’ll understand. Do the following terms make sense to you: “PEEK”, “POKE”, “GOTO”, and “LOAD Star Comma Eight Comma One”? If any of them instantly make you see blue, you’re officially OLD! Get over yourself.

Leo

Your plans to write The Next Great American Novel aren’t going to work. Your memory is lacklustre at best and your grasp of grammatical nuances to properly illuminate mental images in someone else is laughably pedestrian. Unless you can learn to write it in a British accent your prose is going nowhere. --and Yorkshire does NOT count!

Virgo

Your opinions of the world would be better crafted if you cared about people more. We know you’re as stuck up as they come, but would it kill you to be nice once in a while to other lives? Honking your horn to scare a cat off your car is only barely “nice”. You can do better.

Libra

Time to get your tomato plants ready for the winter. Let them stay on the porch until the first frost hits, then take any green tomatoes indoors. At that point you’ll have to decide if you want to grow the plant inside, or save the seeds and grow a new plant next spring. Better make up your mind; squirrels will be after your plants too.

Scorpio

Your paranoia about who is listening to your electronic communications is so cute! Anything radio-based can be picked up - bluetooth, wifi, 4 and 5G, Citizen’s Band, hell even your microwave oven gives off radio waves! It’s possible to bounce a laser off a window and hear what’s being said like a Police Radar Gun on steroids. Enjoy talking in your sleep.

Sagittarius

You’re ready to steal the show, except there’s someone already in the spotlight. This is a good thing for you. Work behind the scenes, in the dark, so that you can take their place when they implode under their own hubris. Memorize some Shakespearean insults while you’re at it.

Capricorn

Consider this line from a children’s cartoon rated “TV-Y”, meaning aimed at children 2 - 6 years old. “I never should have banished you to the moon... I SHOULD HAVE DESTROYED YOU!" They can’t use, as Deadpool says, “The K-Word”, but they totally meant that Daybreaker was saying she should have “Un-Alived” Nightmare Moon. So, yeah. My Little Pony Friendship is Magic… A show for kids. Ri-i-i-ight.

Aquarius

Learning the ins and outs of the quantum mechanical end of the Universe through YouTube will not earn you a diploma in the subject. Having sat through a twenty-five minute video on the subject without falling asleep is admirable! You can safely invest $20 in “Quantum Physics for Dummies” next.

Pisces

No horse’s tongue in your ear, no horse’s love-bites on your shoulder, and no broken toes from a misplaced hoof. You’ve survived a week of setting horseshoes to horses and you’re wondering why they fired you? Because you ran the dirty ones through the clothes washing machine. They’re Dry Clean Only! Next time read all the instructions before you set off on a new vocation.

[britishchick09]

the best and worst books i read in school!

ever since 5th grade, i’ve been reading novels in school. with the end of high school looming (and today being the last day of classes), i’ve decided to list the ultimate show stoppers and the bird droppers. let’s begin! :D

the best of 5th grade- maniac magee! i don’t remember much about it besides the twinkie things (which actually exist at walmart!) and shipping maniac and the girl character. my 5th grade teacher reading it made it so much better :D we also read ‘chains’, which is about a slave girl names isabel going to freedom. it’s a very powerful book and the sequel, ‘forge’, which is about a freed soldier boy named curzon, is just as amazing! ‘esperanza rising’, the story of a girl named esperanza who moves from mexico to california during the great depression, is pretty great too from what i remember!

the worst of 5th grade- idk what else we read in 5th grade besides those three (technically four) books. it could’ve been an iconic book year! (it was already an iconic school year)

the best of 6th grade- drums, girls and dangerous pies! it’s an interesting story of a high schooler named steve dealing with a crush and his little brother’s cancer, yet there’s actually a happy ending! the end is really iconic since steve says ‘i-’ to his brother jeff and it’s clearly ‘i love you’ but it cuts off! bonus points to ‘the cay’, a story of a boy named phillip who ends up on a raft with a man named timothy and a cat named stew cat. it’s a neat adventure and timothy saying ‘malar!’ is an earworm of a phrase

the worst of 6th grade- HOLY FRICK ‘THE HATCHET’ IS THE MOST BORING BOOK EVER WRITTEN!!! it’s about this kid who gets stranded in the forest and there’s this skunk pal, so you’d think it would be like ‘the cay’ BUT IT’S NOT IT’S SO FREAKING DULL OMG!!!! bonus points to ‘the gadget’ which starts out cool BUT THEN THE MAIN CHARACTER(also called steve!)’S FRIEND ALEXI TURNS OUT TO BE A SPY AND TRIES STABBING HIM LIKE WOAH THESE KIDS ARE ELEVEN YEARS OLD STOP DOING THAT WTF!!!! if you thought the double digit chapter was bad... oh boy! also ‘boy in the striped pajamas’ was good but very depressing! :(

the best of 7th grade- tom sawyer! this is about a boy and his southern adventures. it was a great story, but the movie is one of my fave live action movies ever!! they say the book is better than the movie but the movie is miles better and it’s so cute!!! bonus points to ‘the giver’, which is about a boy named jonas who meets an old man who shows him life in a better world (and there’s a baby). jonas and the giver were very sweet together and i love how jonas and the baby escape their dystopian society at the end!

the worst of 7th grade- call of the wild! it’s about a sled dog named buck who goes on a wild adventure in the arctic. it’s not a bad book, but the movie was so cheesy and it focused on the humans WHY THO???

the best of 8th grade- the outsiders! it’s about a greaser named ponyboy who runs away with his friend johnny after johnnycake kills a soc named bob. pb and the other greasers were such great characters and the story was so interesting! i also liked how the story is set in tulsa, where my grandpa lived. the outsiders fandom is a lot of fun and i’m so glad the story became one of my faves! :D bonus points go to ‘the diary of anne frank’, which we only read the play, so i sought out the whole book and wow anne’s story is so tragic and inspiring! more bonus points to ‘the good earth’, which is about a man in china and has an awesome movie to it (despite having white actors) and ‘twelfth night’, which is a funny shakespeare play about a girl named viola who disguses herself as a man named cesario. it’s full of romance, laughter and a hot feste singing voice (in the 1987 audiobook at least). and olivia is definitely bi ;)

the worst of 8th grade- animal farm! it’s about an orwell dystopian society (hmm...) but in a barn with animals. it’s not bad, but many of the animals were jerks except old major and the 1999 movie we watched was so cringy! (and the beasts of england song was changed which wasn’t cool)

the best of 9th grade-  the odyssey! it’s the ancient greek story of odysseus, a soldier who goes on an epic adventure to get home. the book was alright, but the movie was awesome and the movie ‘o brother where art thou’ (which is based on the story) is really great too! harrison burgeron, a dystopian society with a bad boi, was awesome too because i remember seeing the short film of it in 7th grade. ‘to kill a mockingbird’, which is about a girl named scout living in the segregated south, is really great as well! i loved how it was set in the 30s and scout was so much fun! (i’m a bit bummed at how we didn’t get to see the movie tho). ‘romeo and juliet’ is shakespeare’s most iconic work, being a tale of two star crossed lovers in fair verona. i really enjoyed the story(not the d jokes tho) and it inspired me to write a story set in 1596 (when the play was made)! i take back what i said about 5th grade being iconic 9TH GRADE WAS SO ICONIC YAS!!!!!

the worst of 9th grade- the scarlet ibis! it’s about a boy who takes care of his sick brother named doobie and tries to make him ‘normal’. it’s sweet how the iris symbolizes the brother, but how they die at the end is so sad! ‘the sniper’ wasn’t that good but the plot twist of the sniper guy shooting his brother was neat (also the ‘romeo + juliet’ movie wasn’t that good besides mercutio)

the best of 10th grade- a thousand splendid suns! the most recent book i’ve read, it’s about two women named mariam and laila who live in the afghanistan as the taliban take over. their story is so inspiring and i love how laila was able to be happy after all the horrifying things she went through with rasheed. mariam sacrificing herself for laila by killing rasheed was very powerful and i wish the stage version had her in it. bonus points go to ‘lord of the flies’! a group of boys are stranded on an island and there’s much boy chaos involved. it’s a great story and the fandom was too!

the worst of 10th grade- where are you going where have you been! this is about a girl named colleen who meets a guy named arnold friend. he’s very creepy and it’s an uncomfortable story to read (even more than rasheed!). equal bonus points to ‘the red bow’, a confusing story of a dead girl, a dog and red bows that i still don’t understand!

the best of 11th grade- the crucible! it’s about a girl named abigail who gets swept up in the salam witch trials. it’s a fascinating story with real life elements (rip giles) and the movie was pretty good. ‘the great gatsby’ was also a great story about how the roaring 20s wasn’t as fun as it seemed through the story of gatsby, all told through the eyes of nick

the worst of 11th grade- into the wild! this is a study sync thing, but we did a lot of those compared to novels. it’s about chris mccandles, a guy who tried surviving in a van in alaska and died, making a terribly tragic tale. ‘an incident at owl creek’ was ok but the best part was the plot twist of the guy running to his wife and being hung right before he can touch her (we saw the twilight zone ep instead of reading it and the twist was *chef’s kiss*)

the best of 12th grade- 1984!!! it’s the story of a dreamer named winston, who lives in the dystopian world of oceania. he meets a girl named julia and the two have a secret love affair, but they soon find out that no one is safe under the eye of bb. it’s terrifying tale that’s a bit depressing, but there are so many little moments that make me smile and the movie is even better. winston is relatable in some ways, julia is awesome and julston is a pretty great ship! it’s a big improvement over animal farm and it’s definitely my favorite adult story. bonus points go to ‘rime of the ancient mariner’, which is about an old sailor recounting his unfortunate journey at sea. the mariner telling his story to a random wedding guest was funny and it was an adventure like the odyssey! another round of bonus points to ‘beowulf’, an ancient norse tale of a warrior who fights a monster named grendel. the parts of the 2007 movie we saw sucked, but the story was really cool! wiglaf gets a shout out because he’s the best warrior :) another half bonus point to ‘hunger games’, which we saw the movie of. it’s about a girl named katniss who competes in a competition called the hunger games, which makes for a thrilling adventure!

the worst of 12th grade- hamlet! all of what we read this year was really good, but someone had to be last. this shakespearean tale is of hamlet, a prince who seeks revenge >:) it’s an ok story and i like the ghost dad!

now for my all time favorites! (and least faves)

the worst of the worst- the hatchet, the red bow, where are you going where have you been and the gadget

the best of the best!- 1984, the outsiders, a thousand splendid suns,  the diary of anne frank, the odyssey, romeo and juliet, to kill a mockingbird, twelfth night, harrison burgeron, rime of the ancient mariner and the good earth (along with the tom sawyer/1984 movies and hunger games)

good or bad, the books i read throughout school were amazing and i can’t wait to see what college brings! :D

[underdressedgoth]

This is older art that I finally finished (it was first made in September before Goretober and I finally finish it like 2 months later)

I’m choosing now to properly introduce these kids (and a new one too) as the “Multiple Dimentional Craze” fanchildren. (this is going to be a very long post)

Sapphire

Parents: Morty and Riley *oc* Full Name: Sapphire ‘June’ Smith Nicknames: Saphie Birthday: November 17 Age: 16 Species: Human Blood Type: A+ Height: 5′7ft Sexuality: Lesbian Personality: Rude, Courageous, Rebellious, Loyal, Hot-headed, Impatient, Intelligent, Arrogant, Protective, Honest (very brutally honest), prideful, strong, confident, leader-like Powers: N/A Family: Morty *Father*, Rylie *Mother* [Out of the picture], Rick *Great-Grandfather*, Beth *Grandmother*, Jerry *Grandfather* and Summer *Aunt* Friends: Monster, Pinecone, Pineneedle, Mars, Mercury, Bruno, Leah and Josie Dating: Mayflower Likes: Her girlfriend, stir fry, the color magenta, warm foods, science related subjects, math related subjects, cats, sweet and salty foods Dislikes: Emiko, Evelyn, Takei, Victor, London, Samara, Morty, Samantha, P.J, Lee- you know what she hates like ⅞ of my fanchildren we could be here all day if I had to list everyone she doesn’t like, rain, wet items, spicy foods, sour foods, chunky things- okay so she really doesn’t like a lot of things either (you get the point) Other Things: -Her hair is naturally blue, Morty was concerned that she was Rick’s kid (considering the reason why they had split up), but nope. Morty’s her Dad. -Her parents are separated (Her mother cheated on Morty with multiple people) -She doesn’t like most people (it’s considered an accomplishment if someone managed to get on her good list. Which is -by the way- very small) -She pretty much hates Morty, a lot. She has a lot of resentment towards him, mainly because she hasn’t seen her mother since she was 5. (While Morty wants to tell her that he had tried to get her mother to see her, her mother is pretty much a dead-beat parent who doesn’t give a flying fuck that her daughter exists. He knows Sapphire probably won’t believe him) -While they may be friends, Sapphire likes to pick on and bully Mars. But just because she likes to bully him, doesn’t mean she won’t beat up a person who makes fun of him (it’s like a sibling-love thing. Everyone who has a sibling here should know what I mean) -She looks up to Rick, much to her family’s (including Rick’s) dismay, she always wanted to go adventuring with him but he always declines (thus making her frustrated) -Sometimes will steal things from her Great-Grandfather without him knowing until she’s already gone with it (one of the normal things she usually steals is the portal gun -While most of her friends have powers, she’s not jealous, in fact that only makes her more confident in herself since she knows how strong she really is (thus making her even more scary knowing that she’s just as strong as her powerful friends) -She has a soft spot for her friends and girlfriend -There are very few people on her bad list that she respects (one for example being Takei) -She’s pretty well known around her school as a girl who never knows when to step down, the amount of fights she was in prove said statement She has known Pinecone and Pineneedle since they were babies, Mayflower and Monster since 5, Mars since 6, Bruno and Mercury since 7

Monster

Parents: Wirt and The Beast Full Name: Monster ‘Edelwood’ Oak Nicknames: Monty Birthday: January 31 Age: 15 Species: Demon/Human Blood Type: [Redacted] Height: 5′8ft Sexuality: Heterosexual Personality: Calm, Collected, Optimistic, Peaceful, Caring, Protective, Observant, Quiet, Diplomatic, Introverted, Fair-Minded Powers: +Plant Talk- Can talk to plants and understand what they’re saying +Nature control- Able to control any plant around her or even make pants appear out of nowhere +Shadow Camouflage- Using her shadow form, she can blend into any surface she so chooses as long as she doesn’t use it while in sunlight +Night vision- While using her real eyes, she can see clearly in the dark. It only works with her real eyes though, while in her human disguise she can’t see in the dark +Shape-shift- Whether it be in her human disguise or natural form, she can also turn into any animal she can think of +Enhanced smell- Can smell twice as good as a blood-hound. Helps when smelling for blood or souls +Angel’s Voice- Like with the beast, she can sing to draw prey towards her along with drain any bravery or hope from them +Underwater breathing- Can breathe underwater (she didn’t know she could until the age of 6 when Mars went out too far and nearly drowned. Wirt nearly had a heart-attack that day but was grateful she could do that) Family: Wirt *Father*, Beast *Father*, Sara *Step-mother*, Max *little half-brother*, Lantern *little half-sister*, Greg *Uncle* Friends: Sapphire, Mayflower, Pinecone, Pineneedle, Bruno, Mars, Mercury, Armory, Echomain Crush: Mars Likes: Tea, Poety, Nature, Music, Rivers, Exploring, Her Family and Friends, Old Things, Books, Walking through the woods, Singing, cold weather, English subjects, Art, Musicals Dislikes: Very hot weather, her friends/family getting injured, cheese (no one knows why, she just doesn’t like it), bright lights Other Things: -She’s carnivorous, won’t eat any plants unless she has to (a funny way to put it is that she’s like a reverse vegan) - Her favorite poet is Sara Teasdale - She got her love for poetry from Wirt, ever since she was a baby, Wirt would read poetry to her. Beast also would sometimes recite Shakespeare to her when she was a child while she visited him - She can easily retell Hamlet from memory word-for-word (she’s read and heard Shakespeare so many times that she can do that with any of his stories) - She’s in her school’s chorus (Known to be a very beautiful singer) - Her favorite type of music is Opera (no surprise there) - Once a week (sometimes two) every other month, she and Wirt would go visit the beast. Sara does know about this as she was there when the deal was first offered - She has never actually spent a halloween in the real world - Monster was born out of a giant flower - Sometimes out of habit from her demonic heritage, Monster will eat either a bird or small animal (Mayflower and Mars are the only ones who seem to freak out when that happens) - Has been playing Piano, cello, Clarinet and bass since she was little (she loves playing instruments) - Sometimes if she’s deep in thought, she’ll start talking in Shakespearean - Is an outcast at her school because people find her very weird with her personality and hobby with plants (Since she likes to whisper to them a lot). - - - - While Wirt may have reacted differently to a situation like hers, she doesn’t seem to be bothered by it at all. Nor does she acknowledge the insults other students will sometimes say about her. Sapphire on the other hand, has been in many fights because she refuses to let anyone bully her friend - Monster loves her half-siblings to death, she’ll do anything for them. Her brother Max sadly doesn’t like her since she gets most of Wirt’s attention - Her brother doesn’t know she’s not fully human, her sister on the other hand found out through her own ways (she’s very young so she’s fine with it, in fact she thinks Monster is cool and lucky to have powers as she wishes she had them too) -She’s mainly nocturnal, but since she can’t really sleep during the day often either, her body luckily managed to readjust itself so she doesn’t need to sleep often. - She doesn’t really express much inner emotions, so it’s not obvious that she has a crush on Mars (only people who know are Sapphire and Mayflower) - Has known Pinecone and Pineneedle since they were babies, Mayflower since she was 4, Bruno and Mercury since 5, Mars since 6 and Sapphire since 4 - She’s considered a theater kid (the theater kids are probably the only ones out of her school who actually like her) - Funny thing, she can walk on water (another thing to add, it took Wirt forever to let her into the water, he was just that terrified if she drowned.) -She can’t see well in bright lighting, her eyes don’t adjust well to it -She sees Sara like an actual mother to her -Seems to bleed Oil,Gold and Blood

Mayflower

Parents: Connie and Spinel Full Name: Mayflower ‘Spinel’ Maheswaran-Universe Nick names: May, Curly, Petal Birthday: February 28 Age: 14 Species: Gem/Human Blood Type: [Redacted] Height: 5′3ft Sexuality: Bisexual Personality: Self-conscious, Joyful, Caring, Nurturing, Optimistic, Friendly, sometimes nervous, self-less, strong Powers: + Rejuvinator- can easily pull out her own rejuvinator from her gem (it can also double as a weapon to fight against other creatures, electrocuting and cutting any enemy she swings it at) +Stretchy Limbs- Like her mother Spinel, she can stretch any part of her body (as long as she doesn’t over do it, she’s fine) + Fusion- like her father Steven who is also half-gem, she can fuse with any gem or human Family: Spinel *Mother*, Connie *Mother*, Steven *Step-Father*, Nicholas *Older Half-Brother*, Stephen *Little Half-Brother*, Greg *Little Half-Brother*, Greg *Step-Grandfather*, Pink Diamond/Rose Quartz *Step-Grandmother*, Priyanka *Grandmother*, Doug *Grandfather* Friends: Pinecone, Pineneedle, Mercury, Bruno, Mars, Monster Dating: Sapphire Likes: Dancing, Singing, Traveling the Multiverse, Animals, any romantic comedy or novels, painting, Homeworld, space travel, space itself, anything funny, gardening Dislikes: Her looks, Monster attempting to eat a small creature, abandon buildings, taking pictures of herself (she gets flustered from them), horror movies, silence, being alone, blood, anyone getting hurt Other Things: -She isn’t really one who is confident with her looks, she isn’t exactly thin (she’s kinda chubby) and it does bother her sometimes (Sapphire still loves her to death and will kill anyone who makes fun of her girlfriend without hesitation or remorse. Sapphire would do anything for and I mean anything) -She and Sapphire have been dating for about 2 years now (for the one who has confessed their love to the other, they both were just flustered stuttering messes as Sapphire sucks with emotions besides anger and Mayflower is not one who has confidence) - Her older brother doesn’t like her, she tries her best, just like Monster with her own brother, to get her brother to not hate her (he’s just edgy) - She has her own gem, a spinel like her mother Spinel’s (spinel didn’t give up her form, it turns out from what I heard, Rose didn’t have to give up her form for Steven. So I am just using that idea for here too) - Since Steven, Spinel and Connie are in a polygamous relationship, Steven likes to help Mayflower understand her own powers since he can relate of course) - I can definitely assure that the Diamonds like to smother her and her brothers with love since they are Spinel’s and Steven’s kids (same can go with Pearl) - Doesn’t seem like it to others, but Mayflower is really strong, she can lift a lot since she likes to work out sometimes

Pinecone

Parents: Bill and Dipper Full Name: Pinecone ‘Pyramid’ Cipher-Pines Nick names: Pinie, PC, Creepy, Gremlin #1, Cone Birthday: May 23 Age: 13 Species: Demon/Human Blood Type: [Redacted] Height: 5ft Sexuality: Heterosexual Personality: Creepy, Hyper, Observant, Extroverted, Goofy, Creative, observant, curious, courageous, adventurous, chaotic good, crafty Powers: +Shapeshift- Can shape-shift into anything from her demon form to any small objects +Portals- Can manifest a portal to the multiverse +Enhanced smell- can smell better than humans +Telekinesis- Move things with her mind +Floating- Can float Family: Bill *Father*, Dipper *”Mother”*, Pineneedle *Twin brother*, Gravity *Little brother*, Falls *Little sister*, Mabel *Aunt*, Pacifica *Aunt*, Aqua Marie *Cousin*, Manuel *Cousin*, Tala Poly *Aunt*, Lillusion *Aunt* Friends: Sapphire, Mayflower, Monster, Bruno, Mars, Mercury, Gabriel, Flint Crush: Max Likes: Forests, Dark areas, Halloween, Bugs, Camping, Fire, Bones, Traveling through dimensions and universes, anything sugar, Tad Strange, scissors, disturbing things, Birch trees Dislikes: Being Normal, having to sit still, London (surprisingly), snobby people, having to pretend to be human, pineapples, fancy things (finds them boring) Other Things: -Is older than Pineneedle by 6 minutes - Tad Strange is her’s and Pineneedle’s teacher (secretly since Bill hates Tad) - While she likes Monster’s little brother, most people will say she has a very “strange” way of showing her affection towards her (that being a very creepy way, what I mean is that she’ll say the creepiest things to him since she for some reason “finds his face adorable when it looks scared”) (she won’t hurt him, just freak him out. Added note, he doesn’t like her at all. Her love for him is very one-sided. But she is determined to win him over one day) - She and Pineneedle were not planned, they kinda just happened by accident (their parents still love both of them none-the-less) - Knows about other fanchildren in other universes, enjoys talking to them

Pineneedle

Parents: Bill and Dipper Full Name: Pineneedle ‘Illuminati’ Cipher-Pines Nick names: PN, Gremlin #2, Pointer, Needle Birthday: May 23 Age: 13 Species: Demon/Human Blood Type: [Redacted] Height: 5ft Sexuality: Aromantic/bisexual Personality: Creepy, Hyper, Observant, Extroverted, Goofy, Creative, chaotic, courageous, adventurous, Chaotic good, disobedient Powers: +Shapeshift- Can shape-shift into anything from her demon form to any small objects +Portals- Can manifest a portal to the multiverse +Enhanced smell- can smell better than humans +Telekinesis- Move things with her mind +Floating- Can float Family: Bill *Father*, Dipper *”Mother”*, Pinecone *Twin sister*, Gravity *Little brother*, Falls *Little sister*, Mabel *Aunt*, Pacifica *Aunt*, Aqua Marie *Cousin*, Manuel *Cousin*, Tala Poly *Aunt*, Lillusion *Aunt* Friends: Sapphire, Mayflower, Monster, Bruno, Mars, Mercury, Gabriel, Flint Crush: N/A Likes: Anything creepy, slim, spiders, snakes, mice, being crazy, scaring others, Tad Strange Dislikes: Having to be “normal”, not using his powers, rules, girly things Other Things: -Almost like he’s Pinecone’s other half, sharing similar personalities and abilities - He’s the younger twin - Where ever one twin is, the other follows (Pinecone and Pineneedle are rarely apart) - The more troublesome of the two (and that is saying something) - While Pinecone likes Max, Needle just likes to scare him - He can be very spiteful - Thinks love is gross (doesn’t understand it) - likes to skateboard with Mercury - He and Pinecone have known everyone since they were babies (they’re the little siblings of the group)

Mars

Parents: Dib and Zim Full Name: Mars ‘Irken’ Membrane Nick names: Nerd, Markie, Dork (<--- Two are from Sapphire) Birthday: July 15 Age: 16 Species: Alien/Human Blood Type: [Redacted] Height: 5′8ft Sexuality: Heterosexual Personality: Introverted, Anxious, Intelligent, Quiet, Friendly, Nerdy, Dorky Powers: +Breath in space- Yeah, that’s the only thing I think he can do Family: Zim *Parent*, Dib *Father*, Zoey *Little Sister* Gaz *Aunt*, Tak *Aunt*, Dr.Membrane *Grandfather* Friends: Sapphire, Mayflower, Monster, Mercury, Bruno, Pinecone, Pineneedle Crush: Monster Likes: School (because he likes learning), technology, building things, studying, science and math related subjects Dislikes: Sapphire’s rage, moving quickly, the dark (he’s scared of it), oranges (hates the smell), Gym (he’s not that strong) Other Things: -Often gets picked on by Sapphire (though they do have their moments where they get along) (he’s not scared of her, just annoyed) - While Dib may be a proud space scientist, Mars prefers not to be acknowledged as his son for some odd reason - He doesn’t enjoy fighting other creatures, he can handle it, just doesn’t like it like the others do - He has motion sickness, move way too quickly and he’ll get nauseous - Sapphire is the reason for why he’s scared of the dark - He wears make-up to hide the green parts of his skin (the only time he doesn’t is in Gravity falls) - He has only been to space once, didn’t have fun at all (1/10 wouldn’t recommend) - Monster gave him his beanie for his birthday a few years ago, he loves it - He’s your typical shy nerd

Mercury

Parents: Star and Jackie Full Name: Mercury ‘Lynn‘ Butterfly Nick names: Flutter, Wings, Meri, Sparkles Birthday: August 2 Age: 15 Species: Mewman/Human Blood Type: [Redacted] Height: 5′6ft Sexuality: Pansexual Personality: Out-going, extroverted, bashful, prideful, forceful, somewhat thoughtless at times, crafty, wild Powers: +Butterfly- Butterfly form from Mewberty +Magic wand- since it’s connected to her powers they have similar spells (I am not going to list them because that’ll take too long) Family: Star *Mother*, Jackie *Mother*, Moon *Grandmother*, River *Grandfather* Friends: Sapphire, Mayflower, Monster, Mars, Bruno, Pinecone, Pineneedle, Samantha, Anne, Evelyn, Gabriel, Black Taffy- she’s pretty much the opposite of Sapphire when it comes to people, she has a lot of friends Crush: Samantha Likes: Glitter (a lot), Shiny things, roller-blading, magic, Mewni, crazy things, summer, bright collars, dancing, sugar, hot coco, socializing, parties Dislikes: Unicorns (from her experience with them, you’d hate them too), Fairies (again, from her experience with them, you wouldn’t blame her), gnomes, garden gnomes (don’t ask), bland foods, snakes, magical high commission, her ex boyfriend (oh how the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree) Other Things: -Just going to ignore what happened in the finale because I personally thought it sucked and was a terrible way to end a series. Mercury is the heir to the Butterfly throne. - While she is a girl who can easily make friends, she is one who also tends to loose some due to her nature, she doesn’t understand boundaries and tends to drive people away occasionally - She knows a lot of Royal people and will 100% try to befriend any princes or princesses while she can - She loves to talk, a lot, she is very rarely quiet and it tends to drive Sapphire crazy and threaten to duck-tape her mouth shut - Sometimes the others think she depends on her want a little too much, because she uses it all the time even when she doesn’t need too at all - Despite being a very confident girl, when it comes to interacting with her crush (Samantha), she’s a stuttering flustered mess - Please don’t give her sugar

Bruno

Parents: Tom and Marco Full Name: Bruno ‘Julius‘ Lucitor-Diaz Nick names: Bunny, Demon-boy, Lucitor, Horns (<--- Most of these are from Sapphire) Birthday: March 30 Age: 16 Species: Demon/Mewman/Human Blood Type: [Redacted] Height: 5′8ft Sexuality: Heterosexual Personality: Calm, Brave, Determined, Good-hearted, Responsible, Dare-devil, Leader-like, Assertive (when needed), Confident Powers: +Fire- able to produce fire from hands and have it spread to anywhere on his body Family: Tom *Father*, Marco *Father*, Juliet *little sister*, Mariposa *Aunt*, Rafael *Grandfather*, Angie *Grandmother*, Wrathmelior *Grandmother* and Dave *Grandfather* Friends: Sapphire, Mayflower, Pinecone, Pineneedle, Monster, Mars, Mercury, Black Taffy, Josie, Jack Jr, Crush: N/A Likes: Biking, fire, Tacos, Nachos, Magical creatures, adventure, Ice-skating Dislikes: Math, school, fancy parties, dressing up, London, Mercury on sugar Other Things: -He’s sorta bad at judging things -Often butts heads with Sapphire due to both of their desires to lead the friend group - He has a third eye hidden under his hair -Has three moles in a row from largest to smallest under his right eye - Has his own pair of Dimensional scissors - Lives in the Underworld as the prince and heir to the throne - Is the only one besides Pinecone, Pineneedle and Monster, who is able to handle Mercury - Has known Mercury since the day of her birth, Pinecone and Pineneedle since they were babies, Sapphire since 7, Monster since 6 - He doesn’t really like most demons or hybrids, most of the time they’re too crazy for him to deal with (he already has to deal with 3 crazy people almost everyday. He’s good) - He’s pretty good at flattering people, he’s calls it his “secret weapon” - He likes to consider Sapphire as his rival (Sapphire feels the same way towards him) I’ll admit I got lazy with some parts because writing this was taking too long after loosing a good chunk of progress and having to redo some profiles because of it. This would have been posted sooner if it weren’t for that.

[milliebeeweasel]

Draco Sinister: Still a Better Time Travel Story than The Cursed Child

A while ago, I read Draco Dormiens, the fanfic famous for propelling Cassie Claire into BNF-dom, and for being a terrifying Frankenstein’s monster of plagiarism.  My masochistic streak kicked in again, and I decided to try the sequel, Draco Sinister: a tale of dumb love triangles, Shakespearean Wormtail and ignoring Voldemort for 900 pages.

The fic starts when Draco wakes from a nightmare, and struggles to decide who to tell about it, before settling on writing to Hermione … in exactly the same way as Harry wakes up from a nightmare at the start of Goblet of Fire and writes to Sirius.  Yeah.  The plagiarism starts that early.

Harry and Draco are spending the summer at an unnamed Magid school (and yes, it remains unnamed for the whole fic), where Fleur Delacour is also a student/Magid.  Weird Canon Divergence #1: Fleur here is not described as having veela heritage.  She is a veela.  Because Cassie Claire only skimmed the Harry Potter books .  Also Lupin teaches at this school, because the whole drama about him being unveiled as a werewolf apparently didn’t matter in Cassie’s world.

Anyhoo, Draco got this fancy sword at the end of Draco Dormiens during the epic bitchfight with Lucius.  It’s all green and sparkly, and totes belonged to Salazar Slytherin (because if Godric Gryffindor got a sword, Slytherin did too, apparently). But Harry’s hella suspicious of it and convinces Draco to let Lupin take the sword and make sure it’s not, like, cursed as all get out.

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away at the Burrow, Hermione’s chilling with Ron and Ginny when she gets Draco’s letter.  She merrily writes back to him and Harry, before receiving another letter from Victor Krum.

Because the love triangle in Draco Dormiens wasn’t infuriating enough. Now we need to toss Krum in the mix.

She agrees to meet Krum in Diagon Alley.  Yeah. I’m sure this’ll shake out fine.

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away at Magid school, Draco wakes up in the night again, this time because a demon has broken into his and Harry’s dormitory looking for the sword.

Weird Canon Divergence #2: despite JKR’s efforts to keep the afterlife vague and mysterious, Cassie whacks a Christian Hell into Draco Sinister a la Buffy the Vampire Slayer, complete with fire and brimstone.  O … OK?

Harry and Draco banter with the demon for a while, but since Lupin currently has the sword they can’t exactly hand it over (and Draco doesn’t want to because, you know, Draco Malfoy). Eventually the demon decides fuck it, and tells Draco to keep the damn sword because it’s cursed as all get out anyway, and promptly disappears.  Lupin works out the sword is a Living Blade, meaning it has a mind of its own and that mind is kitten-murdering  evil, and Harry’s like, ‘Mate I told you that sword was cursed as all get out,’ and Draco’s like, ‘Shut up I still want it.’

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away at Diagon Alley, Hermione promptly loses both Ron and Ginny and talks to Victor Krum alone.  Because of course.  When she comes back, she says screw Harry, she’s madly in love with Krum now and is going to run away with him to Bulgaria.

Well that didn’t take long.

Back at Magid school, Harry receives a letter from Hermione informing him of her newest true love, at which he has a full on meltdown, smashing everything in the vicinity with his Magid powers until Draco yells, ‘Oh hell nah, we did not go through all this love triangle bullshit for Hermione to run off with Krum, something is up,’ and slaps some sense into Harry, a scene which essentially ends in Lupin running in screaming, ‘WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING MOTHERFUCKERS?’

And I wish that was the last My Immortal comparison I’d find in this fic.

They get Fleur Delacour to seduce Lupin out of his office (I threw up in my mouth a little), before breaking in so Draco can nab his cursed sword back. Lupin’s locked it in an unbreakable case, but Draco deliberately pisses Harry off until his Magid rage comes back and smashes the case open.  This is the first of several times they use enraged Harry to break shit, a trope I will henceforth refer to as Incredible Hulk Harry.

Harry and Draco team up with Ron and Ginny, and march up to Krum’s hotel room in London.  But Krum’s like, ‘Oh, Hermy-ninny?  I haffn’t seen her, but then I don’t remember literally any of yesterday except someone yelling “Imperio” at me.’

Luckily for the gang, Draco gave Hermione his epicyclical charm—that ugly ass necklace Lucius had in Draco Dormiens that contained Draco’s life force or whatever.  So Draco can use that like a homing beacon to find Hermione.  Also Harry has another mini meltdown because he’s so glad Hermione does love him after all

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away Hermione wakes up locked in a tower.  Wormtail walks in and she’s like, ‘Aha, I should’ve known this was Voldemort’s doing!’ but Wormtail goes, ‘Nah, I got a bitchin’ new master now, check it out,’ and in walks motherfucking Salazar Slytherin.

Hermione understandably freaks the fuck out, not least because apparently Slytherin thought it’d be fashionable to get the Dark Mark tattooed on BOTH HIS CHEEKS.  Yeah.  Like Star Butterfly’s lil’ hearts.

He tells Hermione the Dark Mark was actually totes his idea, and Voldemort’s basically just a DeviantArt thief. Then he shows Hermione a tapestry of the Hogwarts founders, who look suspiciously like Hermione (Ravenclaw), Harry (Gryffindor), Ginny (Hufflepuff) and Draco (Slytherin).

The fic continues to spiral wildly into insanity as Slytherin announces Hermione is the Heir of Rowena Ravenclaw, who he was in love with until she ditched him for Gryffindor. But that’s OK because Slytherin has a handy dandy love potion to force Hermione to love him 5ever!  Wormtail blindfolds Hermione and makes her chug the potion, and says she will fall in love with the first person she sees once the potion kicks in.  Like a baby duck!

Side note: why does everyone, including the villains, want to sleep with Hermione?

So at this point I’m side-eyeing the fic furiously, because I can sense incoming love triangles like cats can sense earthquakes.  Cast your bets who she falls in love with.  (No, it’s not Wormtail.)

Halfway to Hermione (a great band name), Harry and co. are attached by dementors.  Draco falls off his broom and breaks his leg, so while Ron and Ginny look for help, Harry teaches Draco the patronus charm.

Draco’s patronus is a dragon. Because of course it is.

Ron and Ginny happen to find Charlie Weasley, who happens to be in England and not Romania and happens to have a hoard of dragons with him and happens to have plenty of healers to fix Draco’s leg.  Of course! He patches them up, shows them his dragons (not a euphemism) and lets them nance on to save Hermione.

Except Ginny.

Ginny’s not allowed to go.

Weird Canon Divergence #3: Ginny’s characterisation.  Hindsight is 20/20 when you’ve read Order of the Phoenix, and I know the Draco Trilogy started before that.  But still, reading Ginny Weasley, the quidditch champion, queen of bat bogey hexes, tomboy badass as a ‘girl’s girl more interested in boys and make up’ /stroppy teenager from hell is just … wrong.  She acts, and is treated, much younger than the other characters, despite the pretty minimal age gap.  I had 15 year-old friends when I was 16.  The maturity level was not that different.

ANYWAY.  Harry, Ron and Draco march up to this old castle in the woods, but it’s all locked up and guarded, so Draco’s like, ‘Well everyone pretty much still thinks I’m a Death Eater anyway, so why don’t I go in and let you in after?’  And Harry says, ‘Good idea,’ and Ron says, ‘Actually I’m also still 90% convinced you’re a Death Eater,’ but Draco goes in regardless.

He runs into a bunch of veelas, who fawn hilariously over him and reveal Weird Canon Divergence #4: veelas in the Draco Trilogy are straight-up bonafide dark creatures, who seduce men and then fucking eat them.  Like a praying mantis.

Why not?

The veela tell Draco he’s defo got some veela heritage in him, before waltzing off, presumably to seduce and eat some men who aren’t related to them.  Draco decides fuck Harry and Ron, and goes off to rescue Hermione on his own.

Hermione, also currently trying to escape, has a moment of mind-numbing stupidity and takes her blindfold off—and of course, sees Draco Malfoy.

It could’ve been Wormtail, Hermione.

He was in that castle.

WHY WOULD YOU TAKE THE BLINDFOLD OFF?

Hermione’s nearly as devastated as I am to discover the plot triangle Cassie killed at the end of Draco Dormiens has risen from its grave, and begs Draco not to tell Harry about the love potion.  Because, you know, honesty isn’t that important in a relationship.

Weird Canon Divergence #4: love potions are illegal in the Draco Trilogy.  I actually approve of this, because it’s always kind of boggled my mind how literal mind-control date rape drugs are A-OK in JKR’s world.  Good job, Cassie, I guess?

Draco and Hermione leg it out the castle, but Slytherin blocks their way.  He’s surprisingly chill, though, considering his whole love potion plan is now utterly fucked—he essentially pats Draco on the head and says, ‘Go get ‘em champ,’ before letting them out the door.

Suspicious as hell, but whatever.

Hermione sees Harry outside and flies into his arms, because apparently the love potion hasn’t cancelled out her love for Harry.  Because otherwise the love triangle couldn’t continue!  Then they all toddle back to Charlie’s dragon camp, and THEN.

Draco.

In leather pants.

YES IT HAPPENS.

(For those who don’t know, Draco in Leather Pants is a trope coined specifically from this fic, referring to bad boy characters who are really good at heart, but struggling with an inner turmoil because they might be kinda evil.  Like Spike from Buffy. Except Spike was well written.)

Anyway, Ginny sees Draco in leather pants, and her ovaries basically leap into her throat and throttle her.  She tells Hermione she fancies Draco now, and not ten minutes later she catches Hermione and Draco snogging the shit out of each other.  Because love triangles.  Painful, painful love triangles.

Ginny’s mad as hell, but for some reason also agrees not to tell Harry about the love potion, and they all jet back to Malfoy Manor, aka Sirius and Narcissa’s house.  Because yes, in case you forgot, Sirius/Narcissa is a thing in this fic.  And they are engaged.  Making Harry and Draco soon to be brothers.  Sort of.

Hermione hits the books looking for love potion cures and they send a letter to Snape asking for help, figuring Snape will at least help Draco if not the rest of them.  Meanwhile, Draco visits Daddy Dearest in prison, who tells him being good is dumb, Malfoys are always evil, and Draco is destined to murder the shit out of Harry and become either Slytherin or Voldemort’s minion. Then, shortly after Draco leaves, Lucius summons demons in his cell and accidentally blows himself the fuck up.

Good job, Lucius.

All the love potion research comes up nil, and they find the only way to end it is for either Draco or Hermione to die.  Then Harry finds out about the love potion after all and has another Incredible Hulk meltdown.

Draco, who by now is living through Draco Malfoy and the Terrible, Horrible, Very Bad, No Good Day, takes the epicyclical charm/ugly ass necklace off Hermione, kisses her, probably insults her, and shoots away on his Firebolt. Not his Nimbus 2001, because apparently Cassie forgot what broom Draco has.

I won’t lie, a good chunk of the middle of this fic is a blur, but it involves:

Sirius and Lupin having 10x the chemistry of Sirius and Narcissa

Slytherin’s Evil McNasty sword trying to make Draco kill Harry, and also refusing to be thrown away like goddamn Three Wolf Moon

Ginny exploring a quarry underneath the Burrow and finding Fred and George’s porn stash

Draco getting a will-strengthening potion off Snape so he can fight the temptation to murder Harry, and discovering Snape’s heart-print pyjamas and beautiful singing voice

Draco making out with Fleur, because why not?

Sirius, Lupin and Snape going to St Mungo’s because a ~mysterious dark wizard~ killed Cornelius Fudge and put Dumbledore in a coma

Neville giving Draco a concussion

Harry and Hermione doing lots of kissing and not much else

An illustration of Snape and Malfoy in which Snape has a fucking evil goatee

Arthur fucking Weasley is announced as the new Minister of Magic

Draco appearing at the Burrow to apologise for being a dickweasel to Ginny, and then making out with her as well

Harry appears outside the Burrow to try and talk sense into Draco, but Draco’s will strengthening potion runs out and he stabs Harry in the chest.  Luckily, Harry isn’t really Harry, but a magic projection thing, and the real Harry is chilling in bed back at Malfoy Manor courtesy of some spell I can’t remember well enough to explain.

Regardless, Wormtail chooses this moment to pop up and … Christ on a bike, Wormtail is without doubt the single worst written character in this entire godforsaken fanfic.

See what I mean?  It sounds NOTHING LIKE Wormtail.  Although I’ve never seen that dialogue before, my suspicion is it’s nicked from something else.  When I said I read Draco Dormiens with constant paranoia, this is what I meant.  Some dialogue’s out of character, or the style changes for a few paragraphs, and the alarm bells just won’t stop ringing.

Wormtail demands Draco come and work for Slytherin, and Draco refuses, so Wormtail reveals his shiny new arm-sword and they have a scrap, until Wormtail pushes Draco in the river and drowns him.

Wormtail vanishes, and Draco gets to have a fun time in Purgatory nattering with Gryffindor, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff, and also Harry’s parents, while Ron and Ginny drag Draco out the river. Harry makes Ron perform mouth-to-mouth on Draco because boys kissing is hil-arious!

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away at Malfoy Manor, Hermione knows instantly that Draco’s died because she feels the love potion break.  She panics and runs for Sirius, but finds him a wee bit occupied with Lupin, who’s turned into a werewolf because Slytherin is Calling all the dark creatures to come join him.  Luckily, Hermione found this funky silver necklace, which turns out to be a lycanthe, which repels werewolves, and also does whatever other plot-helpful Cassie needs for a given chapter.

They lock up Lupin safely, and also manage to lock up the demon that attacked Draco right at the beginning of the fic in the cell right next to him.  So you know.  He’ll have a friend.

Harry wakes up and tells Hermione to chill, because Draco is alive thanks to Ron’s CPR, and they zip to the Burrow together to celebrate with Jesus!Draco. Then we get Moment I Unironically Enjoyed #1: Ron offering to teach Draco to play chess.  D’aww.

We get some flashbacks via Draco and Hermione’s dreams, and learn that Slytherin got all his power from Hell, and also his bitchin’ ass sword, which he was meant to give back but has somehow wangled his way out of it until now (thus the pissed-off demon in the Malfoy Manor basement).  Also he created werewolves, veelas, basilisks and a shit tonne of other dark creatures, which he refers to as ‘experiments’ like a mad scientist.  Hermione reads a bunch of books about Slytherin and tries to tell Harry and Ron about this magic orb Slytherin has that either unleashes all his powers or kills him or probably both, but they’re like, ‘Yawn, boring,’ because of course they wouldn’t be interested in information about the villain they are supposed to be fighting against in this fic GDI.

Anywhoo, the group all chill out until Salazar Slytherin kicks in the door, like ‘GRANDMA, IT’S ME, ANASTASIA’ and kidnaps Harry and Draco, leaving the others behind because meh.

At this point, I’d like to take a brief break from the plot to address a question I kept asking myself throughout the entire fic:

What the fuck is Voldemort doing all this time?

He’s nowhere.  Wormtail makes vague assertions he might be dead, but Slytherin later says he’s alive. Voldemort’s return in canon is the turning point of Harry Potter.  It changes everything.  Hogwarts isn’t safe anymore.  The children have to grow up.  Characters die.  But in the Draco Sinister, Voldemort’s fobbed off like he’s unimportant or uninteresting.  Characters keep crying ‘Slytherin is far worse than Voldemort!’, which might make sense if Cassie had killed off Voldemort in Draco Dormiens, and needed a bigger, badder villain for the sequel.  But she didn’t.  Voldemort is still out there.  Twiddling his thumbs.  Knitting jumpers for Nagini ,for all we know.

OK.  OK, back to the fic.

So, Narcissa has a natter with the demon in the basement, who reveals that yep, the demons want the sword back from Slytherin, but Slytherin has to return it by his own hand. Otherwise, the demons will have to take a descendant of Slytherin blood has repayment.  Handily, it turns out Harry and Draco both have Slytherin heritage, so now Slytherin has a choice. Good for him.

Hermione’s lycanthe activates GPS mode, and takes them into the quarry underneath the Burrow, where Ginny says she had another older brother who drowned.  Seems like a weird, shoe-horned in detail now, and that’s because it kind of is.  After some puzzles, they discover a time turner that used to belong to Hufflepuff. Since Ginny is the reincarnation of Hufflepuff or whatever, she gets the time turner.

You may be wondering why the boys get swords and the girls get necklaces.  And I’m sure Cassie Claire has a good explanation for that.

But I don’t.

So, Harry and Draco wake up locked in a big adamantine cell.  Adamantine is basically Cassie’s Magid kryptonite, meaning they’re basically stuffed. They argue for a bit about whether Draco is gay, ending in Draco giving Harry hair care tips because this fic is weird, and then for the lols, Draco decides to teach Harry how to fence.

Now, I’m not an expert on sword fighting.  I know a bit.  But one thing I know for sure?

You cannot fence with swords made in the Dark Ages.

Fencing foils are lightweight, thin and poky, made for stabbing your enemy so full of holes he bleeds to death. Swords in the Dark Ages were whacking great bludgeons with sharp edges, made for separating limbs from bodies. They were heavy bastards; they were not made for lunging and poking and riposte-ing.

You cannot fence.  With a sodding broadsword.

While Harry and Draco are having their ridiculous and physically impossible sword fight, the cell door opens and Fleur Delacour walks in like, ‘I’m here to rescue you, bitches!’  Harry doesn’t trust her because she’s ‘boy crazy’ (a trait of every female character in this fic, so hardly a reason for distrust) but regardless they follow her outside.

She leads them through the famously plagiarised nightmare grass scene, and then underground to a locked door. Draco gets Harry to Incredible Hulk the door open by informing him his dead parents are stuck in Purgatory, after which Fleur betrays them and leaves them to get eaten by a manticore.

Harry and Draco kill the manticore, getting Harry utterly soaked in manticore blood in the process.  Like, ‘took a bath in blood’ kind of soaked. Slytherin shows up, and in Moment I Unironically Enjoyed #2, Harry yells, ‘We killed your monster and we’re not sorry!’ and Slytherin says, ‘Well, duh, that’s what I wanted you to do.’

Slytherin sends Harry back to the dungeons but keeps Draco to be his evil minion, then hacks open the manticore and pulls his magic orb out of its stomach (um … you might wanna wash that off, bud).  But now he needs all the Hogwarts founders’ Heirs to touch the orb so he can get his power back.  Or die? The fic never seemed decided on whether opening the orb was a good thing or a bad thing.  Both sides seemed to want it to happen, and also to not happen.

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, Ron, Hermione and Ginny use the time turner to go to the Dark Ages, during the original war with Slytherin.  They meet wee Ben Gryffindor, Godric’s twelve-year-old son, and Rowena Ravenclaw, who is dying.  Rowena initially refuses to speak to Ron because he’s not an Heir, at which point I started screeching incomprehensibly, because that’s not how heirs work.  If anything, Bill should be Hufflepuff’s heir.  Definitely not Ginny, the youngest sibling.

But no, Heir is Cassie Claire’s dumb way of saying “reincarnation”, and eventually Ravenclaw lets Ron in anyway and tells him that, as a seventh son, he’s totes psychic.

If you just counted the Weasley brothers on your fingers, don’t worry, I did the same.  I also got to six, got annoyed, and then remembered that extra brother Cassie shoehorned in who drowned.  I guess you got me, Cassie.  Bravo.

Wee Ben Gryffindor takes the gang to Slytherin’s castle, and lets them in the adamantine cell.  Ginny uses the time turner to take them back to the future …

… Where Slytherin is having a whale of a time psychologically torturing Draco.  He has his own Mirror of Erised dealie, which shows you ‘who you truly are’.  Draco sees his whole ancestral line of unapologetic dickfucks and realises he can never be truly Good™.  Slytherin also gives Draco the Dark Mark, because FASHION, then sticks him in a room with Fleur Delacour and tells them to get it on, because apparently he invented veela for the sole purpose of procreation and I just threw up in my mouth again.

Draco and Fleur do not get it on. Draco does what any sensible person would do in this situation: orders cocktails and gets thoroughly shitfaced.

See the thing is, Draco’s whole tortured evil/good dilemma would be a lot more compelling in this fic if he actually had to overcome something besides teenage angst bullshit. The fic separates everything into pure Good and Evil, states that Harry and Hermione are just naturally good, and the Malfoy family are just naturally bad, and that’s it. But that’s not how morality works.  

Real people have good traits and bad traits, and in fiction, overcoming those bad traits is how redemption arcs happen.  For Draco’s redemption to be rewarding, we need to see him overcome a character flaw. But he doesn’t.  He just Decides To Be Good.

SIGH.

So Hermione, Ginny and Ron pop into the future, and find Harry sitting in the adamantine cell alone. And Harry’s like, ‘I guess Draco’s evil now?’ and they’re like, ‘I doubt it, this fic is literally named after him,’ but then the door opens and Hermione, Ron and Ginny all have to huddle under the invisibility cloak.

Draco comes in with Slytherin, gloats evilly for a bit, cuts Harry’s arm probably by accident, and nances off again.  Ron and Hermione run out to free Harry, and realise Ginny’s missing because she ran after Draco.

Oh.  BOY.

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, Sirius gets a will-strengthening potion off Snape to cure his lover Lupin’s permanent-werewolf-ness, then they visit Godric’s Hollow to get Harry a magic scabbard that also used to belong to Godric Gryffindor.  Happy Christmas, Harry.  No more chopping your belt off every time you try to sheathe your sword.

(And yes, swords do basically replace wands in this fic.  Magids can do wandless magic anyway.  IDK. Cassie Claire just really hates wands, apparently.)

Sirius and Lupin break into Slytherin’s castle with a scene ripped from Buffy, and are swiftly separated as Lupin is shut in with the other werewolves, and Sirius, claiming to be a vampire, is dragged off to meet the new general of Slytherin’s armies.

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, Draco, still pissed as a parrot, is chilling in his room when Ginny marches in.  Then, in Moment I Unironically Enjoyed #3, Ginny proceeds to rip the sweet shit out of Draco Malfoy’s emo ass, because if he wants to be Good™, he can start by being less of a pussy and fixing his shit.

Draco kisses Ginny, and the whole thing is thoroughly ruined when Fleur reminds them she’s still in the room. Ginny assumes Draco is sleeping with Fleur (and pretty much anything on two legs); Draco does nothing to help this assumption; and Ginny magically sobers him up as revenge.

At this point, Draco’s called away to deal with some other shit, so Ginny talks to Fleur and finds out she’s not evil either, she’s just protecting her sister, blah blah blah. Fleur also gabbles more about how SUPER SCARY Slytherin is, like he made a whole army disappear once, and he can control his minion’s minds, and Ginny’s like ‘OK cool bye’ and uses her time turner to GTFO.

The other shit Draco has to deal with turns out to be Sirius, because Draco is apparently now head of Slytherin’s armies.  For convoluted reasons, Draco has Sirius locked in the dungeon.  For his own protection.  Or something.

Then Draco runs off to rescue Harry with Hermione and Ron, but Slytherin catches them.  He locks up Draco with Harry in the adamantine cell, and sends Hermione and Ron to the dungeons with Sirius.  Lucky for them, Sirius has his magic pencils, which they get to work using to draw a door back to the adamantine cell.  (Ron can draw in this fic.  Ron the Psychic Artist, still better than Ron the Death Eater.)

In the adamantine cell, Slytherin makes Draco run Harry through with his sword, but it’s OK because manticore blood apparently makes you temporarily immortal, and Harry got drenched in it.  Cassie actually points out that this is in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, which is great and all, but good writing would have still involved actually foreshadowing that shit in the fanfic.  Then bunch of demons pop up to explain the whole contract with Hell Slytherin’s got going on, and to remind them they really, really need to get Slytherin to give that sword back by his own hand, or Hell will take one of them instead.  Just to remind you.  No pressure.  The demons vanish as Hermione, Sirius and Ron get inside the room.

This is another part of the fic that I don’t 100% remember because there’s a lot of Scooby Doo style running about and getting separated and getting unseparated again, but it includes Sirius running to save his one true love Lupin and finding Fleur as well, Harry and Hermione winding up in an underground cavern with a bunch of merveela (yes, mermaid-veela) and Draco and Ron getting chased by dementors.

In the distant past, Ginny meets grown-up Ben Gryffindor, and convinces him to let her pinch his army and send them to the future.  It turns out Slytherin didn’t make the army disappear—Ginny did.

So Cassie Claire understands how time turners work better than the people who wrote Cursed Child.  Go figure.

Ginny pops into the future with her army, and in Moment I Unironically Enjoyed #4, rides in on a FUCKING DRAGON to rescue Ron and Draco from the dementors.

Sirius gets Lupin and the other werewolves out safe, who turn out to be … pretty adorable?  They all just want to bake cakes and make bunting. Lupin stops them all going haywire by giving them Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans spiked with his will-strengthening potion, so they basically all wander off and make a drum circle somewhere for the rest of the fic.  I don’t know.

Ron’s injured and thus out for the count, but Ginny and Draco charge back in the castle to rescue Harry and Hermione.

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, Harry and Hermione find Slytherin’s orb and try to open it, because … ???

Well, the orb doesn’t open because they’re still missing the Hufflepuff and Slytherin Heirs, but Slytherin himself appears and promptly captures Harry and Hermione until Draco and Ginny show up, and also try to open the orb.

That’s all four Heirs, so Slytherin now becomes Super Saiyan Slytherin, laughs maniacally, and mind-controls Draco to toss Harry over to the demons.  Draco has one last moment of pure emo dipshittery, until Harry, Hermione and Ginny collectively yell at him to get his shit together.

Draco chops off Slytherin’s hand, wraps his fingers around the sword, and tosses that at the demons. This would be a clever twist on the whole ‘give it back with his own hand’, except I read Avocado’s exposé and I know it’s stolen.

Oh well.

The demons take the sword, and for good measure also take Slytherin to Hell.  Draco passes the fuck out while the castle collapses like Ganondorf’s dungeon at the end of Ocarina of Time, but they all escape ready to live happily ever after.

At this point, I looked warily at the word count.

Draco Dormiens wasted half a fic on sodding love triangles long after the plot was over.  Draco Sinister is way longer, and I was honestly dreading slogging through the miles of shipping at the end of this fic.

But actually, Cassie was merciful. The end of the fic is one chapter, featuring Harry’s birthday, for which Sirius basically throws together a freaking Gatsby Party.  I guess he realised he had access to the Malfoy vault all of a sudden.  For some reason I cannot fathom, Snape is invited to this party.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t end with him getting shot in the swimming pool.

Harry and Hermione smooch. Ron makes out with a veela … which … not a great idea, considering they’re still literal man-eaters, but whatever I guess.  Draco and Ginny do some romance, but it’s interrupted.

By Enoby Raven Dark’ness Dementia Way.

I’m not kidding.

Well I kind of am.

But not really.

She’s pale, and black-haired, and wearing a corset, and she introduces herself as Draco’s cousin, Rhysenn Malfoy.  And immediately invites him to stick his hand down her top.

She gives Draco Lucius’s signet ring, and also a message from Lucius, which essentially reads, ‘Not dead, ur lame.  Thnx 4 killing slytherin tho, voldy sends love and kisses.’

Because apparently Voldemort has finished knitting Nagini’s sodding jumper.

Draco runs into Dumbledore, now recovered from his coma, who tells him not to worry about Voldemort, because that’s Harry’s job.  He also says Draco did a good job resisting Slytherin’s mind-control because of love. I suspect Dumbledore whips this explanation out for anything he doesn’t know the answer to.  What happened to Amelia Earhart?  Love.  What’s with the Bermuda Triangle?  Love. What’s the answer to life, the universe and everything?  IDK, probably love.  Or 42.

Dumbledore also says Slytherin lied about that magic mirror—it actually shows your greatest fears, not your true self.  So Draco totes has every chance to be Good™ after all.

Draco heads back to the party, and he and Harry agree to be frenemies next year, and … that’s the end of the fic.

 --

 When I read Draco Dormiens, I couldn’t understand how Cassie Claire became a BNF.  Draco Dormiens was bad.  Bad characters, bad plot, bad writing, bad, bad, bad.

The first half of Draco Sinister is bad.  Dredging the Harry/Hermione/Draco love triangle back up with a love potion is dumb.  Voldemort just pissing off doing nothing for the whole fic is dumb.  Every line of dialogue given to Wormtail is dumb.  The dozens upon dozens of lines lifted from Blackadder, Red Dwarf and various other sources, regardless of whether they’re in-character or suit the mood or the scene or the setting, are infuriatingly dumb.

But about halfway through the fic, it’s like Cassie got her act together.

I don’t know if this is because halfway through the fic, Cassie was banned from FFN for plagiarism.  I don’t know—she still uses quotes all the way through, but possibly doesn’t lean so heavily on them.  Maybe it’s because she realised an actual plot was more interesting than constant angst romance.  But for whatever reason, it got better.

And I want to read Draco Veritas now.  Not just to look at a trainwreck, but because I’m kind of invested. But when I do, I will spork the hell out of it.