#wish me luck on my new flavour of self-destruction

[planetarywho]

Why do I hate myself to the point of deciding to rewatch The Magicians? I know what it did to me the first time around, why do I go back?

[ranaismailsblog]

Griefing recipe!

Have you ever lost someone in a second? Just like that? No preparation! No expectation! Did you feel your soul is literally getting out of your body slowly that you can't breath the moment you feel or getting the news that your loved one just passed? Have you ever felt that you are ANGRY constantly with no clear reason after that happened? Have you ever felt that saddness and despair were your only friends?

Well I'm sorry that my first blog is saddening but keep up it might get better!

God my witness, I check all boxes of the above questions. Mistake me not, I am originally a very positive person and my original job is to motivate people and help them get strong yet I couldn't help myself in that situation. People who meet me can't really tell that I'm sad or God forbid I'm falling in to depression. Oops! Here you go, I said it the "D" word, I was never allowing myself to utter such a word. Iam so pro the "H" word stating for happiness. Yes the happy go lucky kind of thing. However, I feel I'm getting to the D word slowly but surely! 

Believe me when I say that for ME this is a "confession". Between resisting the idea of depression and getting back to my old self, myself and I started colliding until I faced the ugly truth that iam getting to depression. With that said and done I started to confront my self bit by bit.

First thing I did was what I do best, research content and learn something new about my case which was the stages of grief. Yes I came to know that the grief has stages, FIVE stages ...can you believe this!

Stage 1: Shock and denial. This is a state of disbelief and numbed feelings. 

Aha! Been there, done that!

Stage 2: Pain and guilt.

 Lovely moments (Hugh Grant sarcastic tone) ooooohhh specially with a flavour of self torture! Yummy..its cooking now!

Stage 3: Anger and bargaining. 

My children have witnessed anger bombs getting there way on a daily basis. Poor kids.Wow! great, now we can add an extra delicious ingredient to get a perfect recipe for self destruction. Are you ready? The super duper ingredient is mom's guilt! Tremendous! I'm getting there...

Stage 4: Depression! 

Getting stuck in this stage make me going back to the previous stage I swear! Here we go the D word. Please spare me to comment.

Stage 5: Acceptance and hope. 

Not there YET. My recipe is not complete. Hopefully soon . May be in my next blog.

Well I hope everyone who lost a dear person to pass safely through these stages without getting food poisoning or admitting themselves.. wish me luck!

[fish-nibbler]

Questions 1-150 *hugs* :3

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

2. Are you outgoing or shy? Shy

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? Right now? I don’t know.. 

4. Are you easy to get along with? No

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? No, probably not..

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? The  uh.. Butch Lesbian kind.. And the ones that are way out of my league and/or age range. Also, apparently the ones that already have a gf and have no idea who I am...

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? No.. Unfortunately for me.. I don’t think anyone will be able to put up with my shit..

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? The guys who tell me that I’m ugly, stupid, and should kill myself.

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Not anymore

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? No one.. People ignore me mostly

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “I’m sorry” -  But hey, what’s new?

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? Can’t think of any.. They all make me think of my ex..

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? Yes, it’s very relaxing and it calms me down almost instantly..

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? No.. Not anymore..

15. What good thing happened this summer? Nothing. Nothing “good” has happened.. People are telling me to kill myself, my gf left me for someone else right before pride weekend.. All of my “friends” are going on long vacations and I can’t talk to them... I just want to give up..

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? God yes..

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? I guess

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? No.. She uh.. She was pretty abusive..

19. Do you like bubble baths? Yes.. I haven’t been able to take one for a long time though..

20. Do you like your neighbors? No

21. What are you bad habits? Cutting, crying, feeling emotions..

22. Where would you like to travel? I don’t know.. It stresses me out.

23. Do you have trust issues? I did... then I got over it enough to open up to my crush but uh.. yea.. they’re back

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? Don’t have a routine anymore other than self-destruction

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? All of it

26. What do you do when you wake up? Cry

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? Lighter

28. Who are you most comfortable around? I was comfortable around my ex.. but she hasn’t wanted anything to do with me since she broke it off.. she’s probably ranting about me rn saying that I’m a clingy, annoying, slutty piece of shit that has a mommy kink... she she’s not wrong..

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? No.. But they have said they regret dating me..

30. Do you ever want to get married? Yeah.. But I know it’ll never happen..

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? Not anymore

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? None

33. Spell your name with your chin. 

34. Do you play sports? What sports? Nope

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? TV

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Yeah.. I try not to anymore though..

37. What do you say during awkward silences? Try to think about something they like to talk about and try to bring it up..

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? Patient and loving.. 

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? I don’t know.. I guess anime shops at the mall? Anime Eagle and stuff like that..

40. What do you want to do after high school? I was looking at St. Kate’s

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? Yeah

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? It means that I’m really really depressed..

43. Do you smile at strangers? Sometimes..

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? Outer Space

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? Nothing

46. What are you paranoid about? Everything

47. Have you ever been high? Yes and I desperately want to be high right now..

48. Have you ever been drunk? Not yet

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? I don’t care anymore

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? Blue and white

51. Ever wished you were someone else? Yes, always

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? Everything

53. Favourite makeup brand? Don’t really wear make-up much but I don’t know.. I guess Elf products are nice

54. Favourite store? Don’t have one

55. Favourite blog? I have a couple..

56. Favourite colour? Lavender and light blues.. stuff like that

57. Favourite food?

58. Last thing you ate? Rice

59. First thing you ate this morning? Uh... Sunflower seeds around.. 10-11-ish?

60. Ever won a competition? For what? No

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? Suspended for attempted murder. Some girl told a teacher that I put a sharp pencil to her throat and threatened to kill her. I didn’t... But the school doesn’t listen to kids like me.

62. Been arrested? For what? Not yet

63. Ever been in love? Yeah. And then she tore my heart out and told me that she would be there if I ever needed her.. She hasn’t been there.

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? I was in a school bathroom.. perks of being a lesbian I guess..

65. Are you hungry right now? No.. I want to puke

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? Yeah..

67. Facebook or Twitter? Neither

68. Twitter or Tumblr? Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now? No

70. Names of your bestfriends?

71. Craving something? What?

72. What colour are your towels? A very pale Jade Green

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? 2

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? yes

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

75. Favourite animal?

76. What colour is your underwear? Pink

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? 

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? 

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? Pink and White

80. What colour pants? Black

81. Favourite tv show?

82. Favourite movie?

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

87. First person you talked to today? 

88. Last person you talked to today?

89. Name a person you hate? my ex, my first gf/ex i guess

90. Name a person you love? also my ex, but a different one

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? myself

92. In a fight with someone?

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

95. Last movie you watched?

96. Favourite actress?

97. Favourite actor?

98. Do you tan a lot?

99. Have any pets? 5

100. How are you feeling? Like I want to jump infront of a fucking train

101. Do you type fast?

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

103. Can you spell well?

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? Yes, I cried over my abusive-ish ex the other day... at least with her I could pretend I was loved.. pretty sure relationships are suppose to be abusive..

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? no - i want to tho

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

107. Have you ever been on a horse? yes

108. What should you be doing? dying

109. Is something irritating you right now?

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? yes..

111. Do you have trust issues? yes

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? my mom because i felt guilty for eating

113. What was your childhood nickname?

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? yes

115. Do you play the Wii? no

116. Are you listening to music right now? no

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? eh

118. Do you like Chinese food? no

119. Favourite book? dont have one rn

120. Are you afraid of the dark? kinda

121. Are you mean? I’m a completely heartless fuck

122. Is cheating ever okay? no

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? hell no

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? not anymore

125. Do you believe in true love? nope

126. Are you currently bored? eh

127. What makes you happy? I don’t know anymore..

128. Would you change your name? yes

129. What your zodiac sign? aries

130. Do you like subway?

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? fuck him and then leave him because im a heartless slut. haven’t you been paying attention?

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

134. Can you count to one million?

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? 

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? closed, but cracked open for my cats

137. How tall are you? 5ft

138. Curly or Straight hair? ive got straight hair

139. Brunette or Blonde? im a brunette

140. Summer or Winter? both

141. Night or Day? night

142. Favourite month? dont have one

143. Are you a vegetarian? no

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? milk

145. Tea or Coffee? tea

146. Was today a good day? no

147. Mars or Snickers? snickers

148. What’s your favourite quote? 

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?