#it was really bad for my mental health

[that-one-gay-from-the-gay-club]

Not to be depressing and gay on main but.

Im lying in the new bed in my new flat listening to the playlist my boyfriend made me and I can finally relax for the first time in 11 years.

It gets better.

I can breathe.

I still feel horrible though. I left my baby siblings behind.

Are there any other oldest siblings on this app. I could really use some reassurance that I'm not a horrible person.

Also happy birthday to me i guess

[planetarywho]

Why do I hate myself to the point of deciding to rewatch The Magicians? I know what it did to me the first time around, why do I go back?

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[inkskinned]

you were raised in comparison.

it wasn't always obvious (well. except for the times that it was), but you internalized it young. you had to eat what you didn't like, other people are going hungry, and you should be grateful. you had to suck it up and walk on the twisted ankle, it wasn't broken, you were just being a baby. you were never actually suffering, people obviously had it worse than you did.

you had a roof over your head - imagine! with the way you behaved, with how you talked back to your parents? you're lucky they didn't kick you out on your ass. they had friends who had to deal with that. hell, you have friends who had to deal with that. and how dare you imply your father isn't there for you - just because he doesn't ever actually talk to you and just because he's completely emotionally checked out of your life doesn't mean you're not fucking lucky. think about your cousins, who don't even get to speak to their dad. so what if yours has a mean streak; is aggressive and rude. at least you have a father to be rude to you.

you really think you're hurting? you were raised in a home! you had access to clean water! you never so much as came close to experiencing a real problem. sure, okay. you have this "mental illness" thing, but teenagers are always depressed, right. it's a phase, you'll move on with your life.

what do you mean you feel burnt out at work. what do you mean you mean you never "formed healthy coping mechanisms?" we raised you better than that. you were supposed to just shoulder through things. to hold yourself to high expectations. "burning out" is for people with real jobs and real stress. burnout is for people who have sick kids and people who have high-paying jobs and people who are actually experiencing something difficult. recently you almost cried because you couldn't find your fucking car keys. you just have lost your sense of gratitude, and honestly, we're kind of hurt. we tell you we love you, isn't that enough? if you want us to stick around, you need to be better about proving it. you need to shut up about how your mental health is ruined.

it could be worse! what if you were actually experiencing executive dysfunction. if you were really actually sick, would you even be able to look at things on the internet about it? you just spend too much time on webMD. you just like to freak yourself out and feel like you belong to something. you just like playing the victim. this is always how you have been - you've always been so fucking dramatic. you have no idea how good you have it - you're too fucking sensitive.

you were like, maybe too good of a kid. unwilling to make a real fuss. and the whole time - the little points, the little validations - they went unnoticed. it isn't that you were looking for love, specifically - more like you'd just wanted any one person to actually listen. that was all you'd really need. you just needed to be witnessed. it wasn't that you couldn't withstand the burden, but you did want to know that anyone was watching. these days, you are so accustomed to the idea of comparison - you don't even think you belong in your own communities. someone always fits better than you do. you're always the outlier. they made these places safe, and then you go in, and you are just not... quite the same way that would actually-fit.

you watch the little white ocean of your numbness lap at your ankles. the tide has been coming in for a while, you need to do something about it. what you want to do is take a nap. what you want to do is develop some kind of time machine - it's not like you want your life to stop, not completely, but it would really nice if you could just get everything to freeze, just for a little while, just until you're finished resting. but at least you're not the worst you've been. at least you have anything. you're so fucking lucky. do you have any concept of the amount of global suffering?

a little ant dies at the side of your kitchen sink. you look at its strange chitinous body and think - if you could just somehow convince yourself it is enough, it will finally be enough and you can be happy. no changes will have to be made. you just need to remember what you could lose. what is still precious to you.

you can't stop staring at the ant. you could be an ant instead of a person, that is how lucky you are. it's just - you didn't know the name of the ant, did you. it's just - ants spend their whole life working, and never complain. never pull the car over to weep.

it's just - when it died, it curled up into a tight little ball.

something kind of uncomfortable: you do that when you sleep.

[hyakunana]

I hate the sewers . jpg

[nemmet]

🪵🐓 i started playing stardew valley a couple of weeks ago and shane’s eight heart event changed me forever i think

[omaano]

Another comfy sleepy clone pile ^^

Oh wow, it's been so so many months, I hope you're still around Anon to see this! ❤️

Polyamorous/platonic poses

and the other drawings I’ve made for them

[kunikidas-lost-glasses]

Okay but Gojo raised two children at 17/18 alone with like zero experience on how to be a good parent while he was training to become the strongest and shortly after loosing his best friend who had also been the one he had been in love with in one of the most horrendous and cruel ways possible all while keeping up an incredibly cheerful and carefree personality.

You can't tell me that this man wasn't emotionally, mentally and probably also physically exhausted during that time.

[moeblob]

North and Simon: (shaking hands on killing Simon potentially)

[nothingbizzare]

Cuties

[liquidstar]

but for real i love adventure time bc in the face of shitty family members that are also space war criminals, most kids show protags would be all "guys lets not fight... we're family! we can be friends! peace and love!" but finn is like "im going to personally rip off my dads arm because i hate him"

[diffenbachiae]

i think this is the first year i’ve really started to realize that there isn’t a magical switch that will flip where i’ll suddenly be happy every single day of my life, it’s just life and finding the joy in it day by day and if it isn’t there making choices to add more of it and while that’s a lot of persistent disciplined work with the meditating and the physical exercise and forcing myself to read instead of letting myself rot on tiktok i think right now i’m happier than i’ve ever been before idk

[syn4k]

to be, or not to be (romanticization of the inevitable)

[crabussy]

IS ANYONE ELSE FEELING KIND TODAY!!! IS ANYONE ELSE FEELING GENEROUS TOWARDS OTHER PEOPLE!!! IS ANYBODY ELSE BEING KIND AND TRYING TO UNDERSTAND EVEN WHEN ITS HARD!!! IS ANYONE ELSE ASSUMING THE BEST OF OTHERS INTENTIONS AND RESPONDING IN KIND!!!! CAN ANYONE HEAR ME

[kiwibirbkat]

A Quick Break

They were supposed to be training. That went out the window about 30 minutes in, when they took a "break", devolving into just giving up on training and chatting.

They were sitting around the school bus when Aiden got bored and announced he was going for snacks. Taylor went along with him seeing as she was also kinda bored. Logan was going to stay in the bus, but Ashlyn gave him a pleading look and he went with them.

So now Tyler, Ben, and Ashlyn sat around the bus, Tyler and Ben discussing something random (Ben talking through notes app) while an obviously tense Ashlyn fiddled with her bracelet. That was until she spoke up.

"... can you guys promise not to freak out when- if I die?"

They stared at her in confusion before Tyler finally spoke. "Ashlyn what the hell? Of course we're going to freak out if you die? And that's such a random question? What the fuck even prompted that question?"

Ashlyn shook her hands to stop them from asking any more after seeing Ben start to type. "Let me explain- if I die, even if they won't necessarily care, the group is going to need a leader. If I die, I want you two to step up and lead the group. You two are some of the strongest in our little group, and I think your strength combined with the bonds you have with some of the others will make you the best candidates to lead if I die."

'Ok, SLOW DOWN' Ben's text to speech voice chimed in. '1, why are you so worried about dying? Sure, we're in a death realm every night, but none of us have croaked yet, and you're clearly strong, so why do you think you're going to die?' Tyler nods along, waiting for Ben to finish. 'And 2, what's this about the others not caring if you died?'

"Yeah, even if we didn't care about you, Taylor and Logan are both heart throbs and would definitely be upset if you died!" Tyler was uncharacteristically concerned for someone outside of his family.

"Calm down, calm down, let me explain. I'm not worried about dying, we just live in a death realm as you said, and if I die, the group will need a leader." Ashlyn rubs her forehead, this interaction not going as smoothly as she expected.

Ben and Tyler were staring at her. 'You've been thinking about death and the only thing you're worried about is the group needing a leader?'

"That's not the only thing- whatever this isn't what's important right now! Promise me that if I die, no matter how gruesome my death is, you won't freak out! The others will need a leader, and I need you two to be those leaders! Promise me!"

Ben and Tyler were once again staring at her, but for a different reason than before, seeing as this was one of the only bursts of emotions she's had around them.

After a few seconds, the robotic voice was activated. 'If it's that important to you, I promise to lead the others if you die.'

"Me too, I guess…"

Ashlyn sighed, nodding, when Tyler spoke up again. "But seriously, what was that about the others not caring if you died?"

Ashlyn glared at him. "That's not important right now."

'and the when in your first ask?'

Ashlyn groaned. "It was just a slip up!"

"You aren't planning anything stupid, are you?"

Ashlyn's head snapped up. "Wha- no! Why would I plan my death when I need to lead the others? As much as I trust you two to lead the group, I'm not dying just yet."

Tyler and Ben were about to argue when Taylor, Aiden, and Logan walked back in, carrying bags of snacks. "What's this about death?" Aiden asked with a curious grin, tilting his head.

Ashlyn sighed. "Nothing. And why did you guys bring so many snacks? We're just taking a break!"

Logan piped up. "Sorry Ashlyn, I tried to control them, but they couldn't make a decision on what they wanted, so they just grabbed everything…"

Ben and Tyler finally stopped staring at Ashlyn, and it wasn't brought up again, but they did glance at Ashlyn throughout the rest of the "break."

They never finished that training.

[thestarlessdark]

The scene where Mitsuri's parents secretly watch her as she dyes her hair black in order to look like an acceptable bride is a scene I think about a lot.

The look of sheer pain and sadness on their faces feels like a punch in the gut to me, mainly because I've never encountered any parent who actually cares that much about their child. In fact, I nearly cried when I first saw that scene.

Where I live, first impressions are everything. If you mess up in front of others, you are seen as a disappointment and parents can go to almost any length to make their children seem like perfect angels in public, going as far as pressuring them to hide their true self and craft a more palatable persona for others to interact with.

Mitsuri's parents are the opposite of this. They love her for who she is and are never seen telling her to 'act like a lady,' which is amazing considering the time KNY takes place in. They are anguished instead of thrilled when they see Mitsuri trying to cover up her real personality.

Seeing parents truly love their child for who they are will never feel boring or overdone for me, considering how rare it is in real life.