#worst because like I’m all alone and lonliness is like a big problem in my daily life

[whimsyprinx]

i truly should’ve been born to a noble family that has more rivals and enemies than they do allies so that one day I would inevitably be caught in the crossfire and dies tragically coughing up blood (and tea) after succumbing to the poison that has laced my tea

[queerbookscoolmugs]

Big Gay Book Reviews: Brave Face- Shaun David Hutchinson

Read it on my Blog

Woof.

    This book was... a lot. It was great, don't get me wrong. Hutchinson writes with the most amazing, raw, earnestness that had me pulled in from page one, but WOW was is a tough read. Be prepared, this one deal very heavily with internalized homophobia, depression, self harm and suicide. So, so will this blog post. That being said, if you want to scroll past this post for those reasons, I'm not gonna mad. It's not going to hurt my feelings. You do you boo.

       Brave Face in a no-holds-bar memoir about Hutchinson's issues with homophobia, both internal and external, as well a knock down drag out battle with depression and self harm. What I love most about this book it's it's absolutely brutal honesty. He doesn't hold punches when talking about his his own behavoir was destructive not only to himself but others. He doesn't excuse himself, he's upfront about how these thoughts and feeling were damaging, but also that people can and do grow out of them. Very early on, he talks about the a facet of the queer expeiernce that I feel like doesn't get talked about enough. External homophobia did shape his view of gay people and what it means to be gay, but he views himself as apart from all that. That yeah, he's gay, but he's not a faggot. Even after he comes out, SDH talks about how he rejects all attempts from his brother, also and openly gay man, to have a relationship. He robs himself of a connection, of a support system, because in his mind, his brother is one of those gay people. A lot of us coming out in small towns feel this way. I did. This self isolation keeps you alone and when you're alone the depression can wear you down. It makes you lonley, and in your lonliness you because judgemental, mean, you lash out at people who are trying to help you, because you don't really want help, you want to lash out.  "It's okay if you hate teenage me a little bit" Hutchinson says in the prologue, "I can promise you you can hate him anymore than he hated himself." It's refreshing to see an adult author owning up to their bad behavior to a younger reader. It gives the book a sense of truth and vulnerability, like a conversation, a gay man passing on a painful story so those younger can learn from his mistakes.

   That's honestly one of my favorite aspects of SDH's writing. He is hyper aware of his audience. Like as a depressed, gay adult who grew up in the 90's, there is a lot for me to get out of Brave Face. I can't remember the last time I was so struck by a book. I see a lot of myself in teenage Shaun. A lot of the backdrop is familiar to me. The way he deals with his internalized homophobia, othering himself from other lgbt+ people, the problems he has in his relationships, the self harm to just feel a sliver of control are all things I have been through. But  at the end of the day, while I see myself in this books, this book isn't for me. I am not the target audience( which is fine and a fact that a lot of adults who read YA forget but that's another blog post for another time). The audience is teen readers, particular ones who are queer themselves and/or struggle with mental illness. Teens are tough and they deal with touch shit but like, they are also kids still in a lot of ways, which is another thing I think YA sometimes forgets. SDH does something I have never seen a YA writer do before. He says several times "Hey shit is about to get dark. It's okay if you don't want to be here when it does." He not only gives the reader choice to engage with the darker events of the story he's telling, he validates their feelings if they choose not to. I feel like that is a really important part of writing really raw stories for young people. You have to understand that, yes they can handle tough stories, but also respect their need to step away from those stories too.

    All in all, I feel like this book is so powerful as a queer narrative. It doesn't just says "it gets better", it says "You won't always hate yourself as much as you do right now." SDH doesn't present recovery as this linear path, a tunnel with a light at the end. He doesn't make the promise that things won't ever be shit again. That you won't ever backslide. That you won't ever fuck up or struggle again. He tells the truth, that sometimes the relationships you damage at your worst never recover fully, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try.  It gets better is a good start, but it's not enough, because it doesn't always stay better. Better isn't a magical state that happens overnight, where suddenly you're life is without problem or struggle. Recovery isn't linear and we don't talk about that enough, especially with teens. This book was written as living proof that you can survive 100% of your worst days and that that means something.