#can y’all also tell I’m unhappy with my life and don’t wanna be alive but am coping by making posts like this

[whimsyprinx]

i truly should’ve been born to a noble family that has more rivals and enemies than they do allies so that one day I would inevitably be caught in the crossfire and dies tragically coughing up blood (and tea) after succumbing to the poison that has laced my tea

[theghostofashton]

arthur pendragon: character analysis

i’ve been wanting to do this for so long, and a lot of people said they wanted it on that post i made about potentially doing it, so....here we go. strap in, y’all. this is gonna be a long ride.

i’ve had this thought in my mind since i watched the series for the first time through. arthur, canonically having depression, but it never being outright said, because, let’s be real, i don’t think they had a working understanding of depression as a mental health condition (i’m sure it did exist - the earliest accounts come from mesopotamia, but it definitely wasn’t thought of back then how we see it now). i think the episodes that really solidified it for me were 3x12 and 3x13. there were little hints leading up to it, like this, 

this is from excalibur (1x09), and you can see arthur’s face change when uther says this to him. you watch the surprise physically manifest on his face, because uther has never told him that. he’s gotten this:

and again, uther admits that it’s entirely his doing, and not arthur’s: 

and this is important because of something else that happens in the episode. 1x09 is arthur’s coming of age ceremony, where he officially takes the title of crown prince. i was reading someone else’s post about this - all credit to them for what i’m about to say here. they were talking about arthur being the best warrior in camelot, and how that’s....well, remember this?

so you mean to tell me that there are no older, long-standing knights? ones who’ve been training for longer than arthur’s been alive? he’s the best? or he’s been forced to be the best by his tyrant of a father who could do nothing but berate him his entire life, to the point where he genuinely believes he’s a disappointment and inadequate. what did arthur have to go through to get to a point of literally being the best warrior in the kingdom before he was even crown prince? 

most people headcanon arthur as around 20 in the first season, potentially turning 21 at his coming-of-age ceremony. and y’all, let’s be real. he’s still a kid. 20 is not a full-fledged adult, by any means. i’d argue that he barely had the chance to be a kid, before uther stepped in and begun to groom him to take over the throne. he didn’t have friends, aside from morgana. the men with him in the pilot are never seen after the first episode. as soon as merlin arrives, he latches onto him, again, because merlin is the first real friend he’s ever had. 

merlin is also the first person to completely and utterly refuse to treat him like a royal. we see it in the first episode. merlin wasn’t raised with a concept of royalty and class order the way arthur was, obvious from the way he speaks to arthur, even after learning he’s the king’s son. and arthur, as he’s been taught his whole life, is all “you can’t talk to me like that i’m the prince”, but really...he latches onto that, throughout the series. merlin treats him like an equal. like arthur. not the prince, not the future king, and i’d argue, given the whole destiny and “two sides of the same coin” thing, merlin would have all the more reason to treat arthur like he’s special. but he doesn’t. 

this is why arthur is so attached to merlin. this video is hilarious, but you realize, through watching it...arthur has people who could dress him, serve him, etc, in the kingdom. there are hundreds who would be happy to. but that isn’t good enough. he needs merlin. because merlin sees him. merlin sees arthur, underneath all of the princely royalty and formality. merlin makes fun of him and laughs at him and doesn’t take his crap, makes him feel normal, makes him feel human, i would absolutely argue. merlin makes him feel like he’s more than a representation of camelot. he’s a person, too.

in 3x06, when arthur almost marries elena, it’s merlin who gets him to stop the wedding. it’s merlin’s speech right before, merlin’s reaffirmation that no, he’s not just the future king of camelot, he’s a person, and the kingdom is shit if it means their ruler is unhappy. it’s about arthur’s royal duty, but it is equally about his happiness. merlin won’t let him forget that. 

arthur’s been raised to believe that his feelings don’t matter. his happiness doesn’t matter. it’s camelot, above all, and he just has to live with that. newsflash to uther: feelings don’t go away simply because you tell someone not to have them. arthur represses everything because he’s been taught to. he’s been told that’s what’s needed from him. being true to himself is selfish, because he can’t do that and lead a strong kingdom at the same time. it’s impossible. 

also worth mentioning that when he does try to do what he wants, make himself happy (i.e courting gwen), uther sentences the love of his life to death and forces him to deal with that. even though gwen ends up being fine (bless u merlin), that fear, that panic, that the person he loves most will be forcibly ripped from him because for the first time in his life, he’s doing something for arthur... again, it reinforces that what he wants doesn’t matter. his feelings and his happiness do not matter. 

and now we get into what really solidifies this for me. the end of season 3. morgana’s betrayal. more specifically, this scene:

and here, what’s really really interesting to me, is that even merlin evokes the “you’re the prince this is your royal duty” card, in trying to get through to arthur. he goes there, because he knows that this bad. arthur is the most defeated he’s ever seen him. 

the first time i watched this scene, with merlin bringing him food and trying to convince him to eat, it reminded me of how you’d treat a friend going through a depressive episode. try to lift them up, bring them something to eat, and promise them they can conquer what they’re dealing with.

and then we have this: 

that scene, with arthur slowly emerging from the cave, ready to fight again, just reminds me so uniquely of what i just said above. merlin, the concerned friend, trying to do something, when someone they love is dealing with stuff, and arthur, finally emerging from his depression and garnering the strength to try again. 

this is a little moment, but i’ve always thought it was so important:

you’re not tho. and merlin knows that. this is after merlin was hurt by the dorocha, after he and lancelot come back. the other knights are sleeping, and the camera pans out to show us merlin and arthur talking. specifically, arthur being vulnerable and scared and sad, about what’s to come. the thing is, he wouldn’t have opened up and talked about it to anyone, other than merlin. it’s like merlin has become his safe space to be honest about everything he represses around literally anyone else. merlin knows he’s not okay, and arthur knows he can’t convince merlin otherwise, so he just doesn’t. that like.....immediately after that scene of them welcoming merlin back, we cut to this. arthur starts to open up, speak his real feelings, because merlin is there and merlin is his Person, and he’s okay to do it. there’s no pretense. 

and then we have grief pt. II 

the end of season 4, agravaine betrays arthur, and then we have these scenes, more heart-wrenching every time i watch them. 

this is his inadequacy. his lack of self-esteem. arthur doesn’t believe in himself, like, at all. he hasn’t lived up to uther’s standards, he hasn’t been the “expectation” of a strong and powerful king, and that is reinforced by the people he loves constantly turning on him and betraying him, convincing him that they care about him and then turning on a dime and trying to destroy his kingdom. 

tristan tears him down so easily. too easily. if arthur really was arrogant, overconfident, self-obsessed, he wouldn’t sink this deep based on someone whose opinion has literally no impact on his life or power over him’s words. 

(there are def more scenes throughout season 4 that show this, but i’m realizing how genuinely long this post has gotten and i feel like i need to shut up soon so i’m just pulling the biggest scenes)

god, i just wanna wrap him up in the biggest hug and tell him he’s doing well. he’s doing the best he can, and it is enough. but arthur genuinely believes this. he believes he’s awful, and disappointment, and an unworthy, undeserving king. 

and then we have this, going back to what i said earlier about merlin being the concerned friend trying to help someone they love out of a depressive episode. arthur wants to go back to bed and wallow in his sadness and inevitably repress it, and allow himself to be defeated. merlin has other ideas. 

there are a lot of ways to read this scene. the way i see it, arthur needed this. he needed to feel this confidence and assurance in himself. he needed to feel worthy. merlin used magic to get the sword out of stone as a tangible, visual representation of arthur’s strength and power as king. 

........and then it is completely torn away from him in 5x03. fuck uther. fuck him so hard. he deserves to burn. i’ll never forgive him for 5x03, for this:

the look on arthur’s face after uther says this absolutely kills me. this entire scene kills me.

uther calls out the knights, arthur says they’re some of the finest camelot has known, uther says that listening to others makes you look weak, and then arthur’s voice starts to waver as he says that listening to others is a sign of strength, not weakness. he’s trying so hard, to remember what merlin’s told him, what gwen’s told him, what everyone in the kingdom has loved him for for so long, and uther tears it down in seconds. 

arthur’s voice remains shaky through the rest of it, as uther criticizes gwen and arthur’s decision to marry for his own love and happiness, because again, what he feels and what he wants does not matter. even after his death, uther is still finding ways to destroy any sense of self-worth and self-esteem arthur’s worked so hard to build. god, it makes me fucking furious. 

arthur starts crying after uther tells him he’s destroying his legacy. he’s been trying so hard to be good, to be worthy, to be something, and it’s torn down, once again. 

he keeps trying to believe in himself and build that self-worth, but people keep tearing it down, reinforcing the things he already thinks of himself. 

let’s talk about gwen for a quick second. my girl. i love her so much. when arthur is doubting himself, feeling badly about a decision, she’s always there to remind him that he is good, he is strong, he is capable. 

this is 3x12. and in this scene, arthur still looks like a scared little boy, unsure of the future. and gwen says this, and you watch his face change, you watch her remind him that he has done good, he is good, and that she’s proud of him. finally. someone is proud of the decisions he makes. someone believes in him. 

when arthur is doubting himself, gwen is reminding him of how good he is. she always makes sure to say it. 

this is 5x12. episode before last, and arthur is still not sure of himself. he still doubts everything. this is not something his reign has fixed in him, because it’s not fixable. the things he’s endured, the abuse uther has put him through, has developed into depression, into this overwhelming self-loathing, because he constantly feels as though he isn’t enough. he constantly feels unworthy.

angel’s delivery in these scenes is always magnificent. you can hear the emotion in her voice, the vigor with which she’s trying to convince arthur that he’s more than he’s been told his entire life. she knows he struggles with this. she knows it’s hard for him to believe. she keeps telling him he’s good, because he hasn’t grown up hearing that. and he needs it, desperately. you know how they say your love language is something you were deprived of as a child? arthur’s is absolutely words of affirmation. he needs them.

merlin does it too:

arthur is a good king and a good person. he is strong, and brave, and every bit the king camelot deserves, if not so much more. this is another post entirely, but this is why it bothers me when people get angry at him for how he reacted to merlin’s magic. look at merlin’s place in his life. look how much he trusted merlin with, how much of himself and his soul he beared to the only person he could trust with his honest, vulnerable, raw feelings. i ship merthur, but even if you don’t, the actors have said that merlin and arthur had a bond that superceded everything. they were soulmates. imagine your other half lying to you for as long as merlin did. 

(this is not to say merlin isn’t valid for keeping it hidden for so long - i get that he had his reasons, i’m just saying that arthur’s reaction was justified). 

but yeah. arthur pendragon is a depressed, insecure angel who desperately needs all the love in the world and i will never shut up about it. he is a good, strong, self-less king, who led camelot to its true greatness. he made us so proud. 

[wcsted-blog1]

        this is a long and somewhat emotional follow forever , as i feel it’s genuinely the most MEANINGFUL one i have done so far ?? like genuinely i did tear up a little writing this shit so .  .  . i just want to thank you all not gonna lie , simply because you guys are the best , and i mean it with all of my heart , some of you quite literally STOPPED ME from giving up writing as a whole without even realising , because yeah , early january i did think of quitting , i was so close to , it would’ve taken a little push and i would’ve quite literally deleted this and all of my previous accounts , but i can tell you right now - i am SO GLAD that i did not. it’s all because of you !!

please CTRL + F AND SEARCH FOR YOUR USERNAME , IT’S FASTER THAN SCROLLING LMFAO

      to be fair this follow forever is just an excuse to be able to thank you guys publicly. some of you already know how much i appreciate you , with the random I LOVE YOU ALL’s in group chats or just me genuinely being an annoying cunt and bugging you 24/7 , some others i’m may be more shy about or i just simply admire you from afar , - and regardless of whether we talk or not , if you’re on here it just means you’ve somehow helped me , to not quit , stopped me from doing so as a whole , and have helped me to keep doing this thing i’ve been doing for almost five years now. i have to say it would’ve probably been one of my biggest mistakes to just QUIT , so i am here to T H A N K Y O U , for inspiring me , for helping me grow as a writer , for helping me with my english ( which you all do ) , for dealing with my ass , for everything in general.

i feel as if this is the longest follow forever i have done in my life but really it doesn’t matter. this is here to show how much i appreciate you guys , to just thank you for absolutely everything. i’ll stop here and move on to the little paragraphs some are more personal others are more general ones but , whatever the case is you guys warm my fucking heart seriously.

* // ⊰  @pcrscphonie . ⊱ to the titsiana to my cumriana .  .  .                      emily , E M I L Y - what the fuck would i do without your ass ?? like i’m serious ?? i swear talking to you gives me life - genuinely , you make me crack the fuck up on a fucking daily basis. i don’t think i’ve laughed so much in a long time really , so i owe you BIG TIME. not gonna lie i’m fucking glad i managed to drag your ass and get you to join discord , because what would we now do without the sexting gc , our daddy akshay and the bonetown / house party calls ?? ;)) i don’t know but whatever the case is i am WET writing this ( bc i’m tearing up , pls stop being so dirty minded i swear ) . thank you for talking to me after that shit episode i had on a night out , or dealing with my annoying ass on a daily basis , what can i say ?? i actually fucking love you LMAO , as i said you’re the titsiana to my cumriana on a side note i genuinely think that your writing BLOWS my fucking mind , like - lowkey you’re definitely a ) one of my favourite people to write AND talk with and b ) one of the nicest and most talented ones on this hell of a fucking site. so yeah , thank you , thank you and THANK YOU BEBÉ.

* // ⊰  @wavesborn​​​ . ⊱  la bestia a mi bebesita .  .  .                        yadira , Y A D I R A , hostia PUTA done coño empiezo ?? meeting you has been one of the highlights of my year so far , and i am lowkey SERIOUS. our calls ?? me staying up until 3 - 5 a.m sometimes just to be talking to you , is literally one of the BEST THINGS EVER , even if i am not even alive the next day. and yes i might be a full on nerd but you know you love it ;)) GRACIAS por todo chica , te lo juro de verdad, i mean it when i say that you’ve quite literally saved my ass , you’re one of the people that have resurrected my muse for roleplaying in general. you’re an angel , literal eres un ANGEL tia , y no cambiaria nuestra amistad por NADA EN EL MUNDO. you’re one of my favourite people on this site , whether it is to talk or write to. eres la mejor colega , y me cago en todo lo que se mueve por que va en serio , ERES UN ANGEL CHICA. thank you for being one of my best mates , i really fucking love you. like stefan adores you too , we both adore you for reals afiashdgaiosi QUE HARIA YO SIN TI TIA. you’ve been one of the MAIN reasons for me to not have given up on writing in early january. you’ve pushed me , inspired me , have made me think creatively in different ways , and have made my muse reach new limits , which is DOPE AS FUCK. GRACIAS POR TODO , LITERAL QUE TE AMO.

* // ⊰  @giaawritess​​​​ . ⊱  un angel pero de verdad colega .  .  .                        gia , G I A , look you’re genuinely i just don’t even know where to begin with , one of the BEST people i have ever met in my life. you’re an angel  ( YOU LITERALLY ARE THO YOUR VOICE ?? OMFG LIKE ACTUALLY KILL ME , YOU SAW IT YESTERDAY , ME AND STEFAN FULL ON FANGIRLING ABOUT YOUR VOICE MATE AHSFOASHDGOIAS ) one of the kindest people i have ever met. you genuinely blow my mind in so many ways , like i look up to you so fucking much ?? it’s crazy really. when i tell you that i wish i were in the USA i literally mean it because you’ve just done so much for me the past three months , *// i’m crying now i- // you’ve been there for me , you’ve made me laugh like an idiot , fangirl the fuck out of myself with your singing , but you’ve also genuinely been one of the best things that have happened to me this year. literal , i look up to you so much ?? you’re like a bigger sister to me , 100%. thank you for being here , for existing , for just being y o u. like for reals gia. i just want you to know that if you ever need ANYTHING i will be there , because i want to give back - you’re an angel i swear , like a r e a l angel. MUCHISIMAS GRACIAS POR TODO , GRACIAS POR SER TU. TE QUIERO TANTO.

* // ⊰  @fircytragcdy​​​​​ . ⊱  plz don’t put me in the box of shame for this i sWEAR i ain’t a mess ( okay i might be but fhasiodghoashdg ) .  .  .                       lucy , L U C Y , idk how you deal with my annoying ass but , i genuinely am thankful as fuck for being able to write with you ?? but there’s something else i have to thank you for as well which is TEMPTING ME to return to indie , like - actually come back , and it took you nothing to convince me ?? from you first hand experiencing my drunk texting in the morning to writing - like you probably think i am a mess let’s be real , which i am but y’know , .  .  . i’m just here to say that i appreciate you A LOT. your writing blows my fucking mind too , like guao is this talent ?? if you write a book please link me , bc i’ll defo buy AND read it mate. whatever the case is , you know you’ve got me here no matter what , if you need anything - imma be there !! you ARE one of the most talented people on this site , your writing is GENUINE quality , and i’m just blessed to be able to write and talk to you fam. i just wanna than u for everything like legit , my messy ass is thankful AF. thank you for writing with me but also for inspiring me , because literally you’ve also helped me regain my muse , and just been one of the ones that stopped me from giving up on writing. thank you mate , for reals. GRAZIE MILLE , 4 REALS , GRAZIE MILLE.

MORE SPECIAL MENTIONS BUT I’M IN A HURRY AND I DON’T HAVE THE TIME RN TO WRITE A HUGE AS PARA FOR EVERYONE FIHASDGHGSAIOPDG I WOULD THO , I SWEAR I WOULD.

* // ⊰  @rosychvrms  ; @nightinqale ; @prcsopa ; @trcnscendant ; @svnflowcr-s ; @darlingstm ;  @hvneymoons ; @dvstedgold ; @emptygcds ; @vuotriste ; @alittlewickcd ; @antisopa ; @pcrscphonie ; @wavesborn ; @giaawritess , @fircytragcdy *ik if i forgot peeps on this section but anyways i can’t remember the urls rn i’m just a crying emotional mess rn tbfh . ⊱  this is a special thank you to y’all .  .  .                     we might’ve chatted , we might’ve written , done both or neither of these , it doesn’t matter. we all were a part of the same thing , the same universe for several months. it’s why you are on here , because someway or another , seeing you on my dash , or getting to write with you whenever i was logged onto @bloodcvrsed , you managed to inspire me and bring back the muse i was on the verge of losing ( and giving up ) . it’s why i gotta thank you all *and i’m definitely missing people but i can’t remember the urls , so if you see this it’s also aimed at you* because you just stopped me from quitting the one thing that i’ve been doing so many years , and really it would’ve been one of the biggest mistakes of my life. i just want to say thank you , THANK YOU FOR STOPPING ME , FOR INSPIRING ME AND FOR BEING THE ONE OF THE MOST TALENTED PEOPLE I HAVE ENCOUNTERED ON THIS SHIT HOLE THAT IS TUMBLR !! THANK YOU GUYS SM ; ILY.

AND THIS IS A SMALL SECTION BUT AN EXTREMELY MEANINGFUL ONE .

* // ⊰  @thefineartofbitchcraft , @serialqueen , @chrysalvsm , @artofbeingperfect , @wildtm . ⊱ to you who have stuck by my side for so many years .  .  .                            i have MISSED YOU ALL , so fucking much. i’ve missed writing with you , talking to you , just being here online. i almost made the mistake of quitting this thing , indie - which yes it’s a hell of a site and yes it’s quite literally full of drama *which is what almost drove me away* but to be fair , i am glad that i was able to see what i almost gave up on. it would’ve bee one of the BIGGEST mistakes i’d ever had made , quitting this - i’ve known you all for AT LEAST a year , with some of you guys i’ve been writing with since 2016 - that’s almost three years , considering i began writing mason in september of the same year - some of you i began writing with on this account , and whatever the case is - YOU ALL have inspired me , you all have made me fall in love with writing , back then , now - all over again really. being back and writing with you guys again made me realise just HOW MUCH i missed this , i missed you all , it made me realise why the past Y E A R i had been unhappy on here but also why my muse had been falling apart , because i wasn’t doing what i wanted , because i made a decision to please someone in fear of losing a friendship. i was unsure on how to turn back as soon as i realised , that i had made a mistake - and i am sorry for that , because - i know some of you missed mason as much as i missed writing him with you - i owe you this apology , and you need to hear it , that i missed this , that i missed it all. - so i am sorry. i’m here to say THANK YOU for having stuck with me for YEARS. i’m actually glad to have you all here i ain’t gonna fuckig lie.THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME LIFE , FOR JUST BEING SO SWEET AND GREAT AND ABSOLUTELY FUCKING TALENTED Y’ALL. i genuinely LOVE you all so fucking much it’s C R A Z Y.        you guys , i am so glad to be back - i am SO FUCKING GLAD TO BE BACK. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU AND THANK YOU.