#would truly be pissed if i were alex and kenny though

[streakyglasses]

... happy for shemar ?

[crybabyddl]

I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO REITERATE SOMETHING

Yes, let’s circle back to the beautiful performance of Edge of Great. More specifically the BODY LANGUAGE, particularly Julie and Luke’s, which I will be analyzing with gifs.

Exhibit A

Jealous Luke looks over at Julie and Reggie vibing

Julie is aware that she’s avoiding Luke, which she is doing so bc she realized her feelings for him thanks to Flynn earlier in the episode.

Since Julie has put the task of ignoring Luke upon herself even though she has no obligation to, she ends up failing her own mission. She sees Luke’s reaction to the lack of her attention.

She literally FREEZES. She’s emotionally worried to confront what she’s feeling and it’s beginning to manifest physically.

Exhibit B

It gets better y’all. After Luke finally has even a crumb of Julie’s attention, he beckons her over with his signature head tilt. This is important bc he did this with his longtime bandmate during the soundcheck of what would’ve been their biggest performance. If he feels comfortable enough using that body language with a girl he’s only known for, what, a week and a half(?) then you know this puppy boy’s got it BAD.

Julie is well aware that Luke is getting jealous. But in classic Julie fashion, she will try to tune it out instead of addressing it. Our wicked beauty doesn’t like confrontation and would rather just deny and avoid than potentially make things awkward, especially when she knows Luke would ask her about it at a later time.

The look on Julie’s face. Her eyes widen and the classic tight-lipped awkward smile is present. She’s literally saying “ok enough of that let’s get back to work doo doo doo” with her face. The way her body SWINGS back into performance mode as she faces the audience again. It may have been a split second, but when you’re deliberately trying to avoid looking into the dreamy (dead) eyes of someone you shouldn’t be crushing on, any amount of time feels too long. Plus, she knows Flynn is watching and doesn’t want her to lecture her (but she does anyway bc Flynn is observant and knows her bestie too well to let any action slip past her).

Exhibit C

Keep in mind; NONE OF THE GUYS KNOW WHY JULIE IS AVOIDING LUKE. Flynn, Alex, and Reggie have noticed the Juke chemistry, but it’s still too soon for them to get past the “we like each other but we’re too clueless to notice that we reciprocate” phase, so even though their respective besties know, they are still denying. Besides, Reg, Alex, and Flynn know better than to keep pestering if they want to keep their kneecaps. In reality they’re both smart enough to tell by this point, but for the sake of the plot and to make everything more adorably frustrating, Flynn has the collective brain cell under lock and key, leaving Juke to be like *dog tilting its head and making that “a-roo?” noise*

Anyway, Reggie notices Luke being snubbed after realizing that his extra dose of Julie time was slightly out of the ordinary. Luke is clearly concerned (look at his eyebrows and how his eyes travel from Reggie, to Julie, then to the audience to trying and get his mind off it and bring his focus back to the main goal; the performance.) If he can’t have the moment of connection with Julie that he so desperately craves, he’s gonna fill that void as best he can by connecting with the audience. >:’)

But Reggie’s trying to help Luke brush it off by conveying his reaction as ‘look at julie coming into her own! i told you she was a star! and you thought you were the lead singer? think again buddy this girl’s got you beat!’

But since Reggie isnt a master at hiding his feelings yet, especially around Luke, —who was able to get under his skin earlier (“girls, am i right?”)—Luke was easily able to see through that and interpreted what Reggie was saying as “look at julie go, she all in the zone. you’re literally making heart eyes at her get a grip you’re slacking lmao” (hence luke’s right eyebrow quirking at reggie like ‘dude seriously gimme a break u know i need attention like tinkerbell’) even though Reggie’s true message was a bit less harsh and more lovingly teasing, but it’s Luke, he sees things through his eyes and at his intensity, regardless of who it’s coming from. (This is one of the reasons why Luke comes off as selfish at times.)

Exhibit D

Poor Lukey boi can’t seem to catch a break today! Not only does Julie ignore him, then has a cute lil (platonic but it’s luke so it still makes him jealous >:P) moment, but now she has the AUDACITY to interact with Alex? The guy who was out learning Ghost 101 with this Willie guy instead of rehearsing with the band? What gives?! What’s he got that your moody ghost bf doesn’t? >:’(

He literally just watches, and even glances back in a way that, to me, screams ‘did i see that right? did i just see what i just saw with my own dreamy (but dead) eyes? say sike rn.’ \_(*_*)_/

Meanwhile, Alex pays no mind. I like to think that Alex is fully aware that Luke is an angry boy rn, but has learned to ignore it, especially this bc literally NOTHING happened. Either that or Alex has no clue and just truly thinks nothing of it and is having too much fun to think about Luke’s moody and childish behavior. Either way, Alex is just straight chilling and we love to see it *^_^*

Notice how Reggie is right there vibing with Julie and Alex. Luke feels a bit betrayed like ‘not you too! i know you were the first to turn on me but i figured since you’re such a golden retriever you’d be loyal and come back to my side!😠🥲’

Also; Luke approaches the rest of the group, wanting to be included in at least SOME of the vibing, but when Julie starts dancing and smiling with her buddy Alex, he backs up like

“you know what? nope. nevermind. not doin’ it.”

and the group’s like “i mean hey it’s your loss, but luke we want you to-”

“no, bc you chose to piss me off right in front of my face so no luke time for any of you! no cuddles, no hugs, no nothing! you made your bed, now lie in it and perish.”

Exhibit E & F: This is where it gets a bit interesting and theorized hehe...

Now we all know that this moment is just fucking ICONIC

WEOWH NEOW NEOW!!! WEOW NEHR NEHR NER-NER-NER NEHR NEHR NEOWHR!!! (wer nehr-nehr-ner-ner-nehr-nehr!!) WUEHNER-NEUHNER-NEHR-NEEOW-NEOWH! DLOOLOODDUH-DOODLAH-HOOBLUEH-NEOWHR-NEUEHR-NEEEEEEUOWRH!!!!

But hear me out– HEAR ME OUT!

What if... now don’t shoot the messenger who just so happens to also be the theorist... but what if...

WHAT IF!!! Luke didn’t!! plan this?!!!

Listen i know you’re probably thinking:

“Well uh Nicole, isn’t that kinda the whole point? It literally wasn’t planned until Charlie realized Madi was gonna be standing on the piano so he suggested the idea for the guitar solo to Kenny.”

And you’re right! But here’s the kicker:

What if Luke THE CHARACTER, just decided to do this as an “Alright that’s it! You wanna be like that? Well what if I just hit you with my super awesome radical totally cool wowza guitar skills & make a moment between us? Huh? What do you think about that? Hmm? HMMM???!!!”

He licks his lips & that to me read** like he was nervous (**read rhyming with bed just to clarify) so that means it could’ve been a spontaneous, spur-of-the-moment thing.

In the second gif, you can see that Julie’s head is tilted, as if she’s a bit confused, but she’s also delightfully surprised.

Julie is quick to smile and scrunch her nose at Luke, something she does often. It tells Luke his impulsive action garnered a positive response from his favorite girl. Julie also starts to shake her head, but doesn’t go through the motion in full, which means she’s still a bit nervous to let her guard down. This is probably because she doesn’t know what he’s thinking or what he will do next. The lopsided smile mixed with the suave, gliding steps towards her probably brought her back to her daydream lol.

Luke’s happy bc Julie’s no longer ignoring him. He smiles like a GOOBER bc this chump is simping HARD for our Julie. So cute! :’)

Exhibit G

And hear me when I offer this:

What if Luke poofed the guys out???

I know, I know. It’s a bold claim to make. But the boys are special, considering they are a threat to Caleb (3 gay-variant himbos vs. a gay magician that could’ve been on broadway but decided to make some sort of deal with a devil so he just entertains capitalists who most likely sold their souls to get into the hgc which i will probably elaborate on in a future theory so dont do that bc im gonna lmao idc we all have big brains) So it’s not too crazy to think that they could share some ghost powers.

We know Caleb transported the guys during You Got Nothing to Lose. And the guys have left a place at the exact same time on more than one occasion.

And you may be thinking “well what if the guys poofed out to give juke a moment alone together?” And to that I say...

Look at Reggie. He isn’t looking back at Alex like “dude let’s give them some space.”

The timing of him turning around, at least to me, makes me think Reggie was surprised by Luke approaching the piano. (But also he lowkey was waiting for Luke to prove him wrong by doing something to get Julie’s attention so Reggie isn’t mad. Neither is Alex but he doesn’t like being told how or WHEN to ghost) Luke doesn’t even give his bandmates a warning eyebrow quirk, a hand signal, nothing. Reggie turns to Alex like ‘dude what is he DOING?’ And before he can even really convey that, they go *POOF*

This man had a plan and he was gonna do it, so he did. Whether it’s the power of love, they stopped performing, or Reggie and Alex actually poofed out, the odds worked in Luke’s favor so he and Julie could have a super special moment, a moment special enough to make an actual living person (Nick) wonder if a “hologram” has a better chance at connecting with Julie than he does.

Again, regardless of who made them poof or how they poofed, they mf poofed so Luke’s a happy hamster. (Idk it just sounded fitting instead of happy camper lol wait what if someone had 3 pet hamsters and named them alex reggie and luke🥺 someone buy some hamsters and let me be their godmother or their aunt and i’ll love them from afar.) Anyway, Luke’s thriving, flourishing, his crops are going to grow in time for the harvest.

You can see Julie lean back as she turns to see Luke. It’s... almost as if... She. Wasn’t. Expecting. Him. To. Be. There..??

Honey badger Luke bc he DGAF <|:) Bitch, it’s Luke mf Patterson and he’s gonna,, GET! IN! YOUR! FAAAACE!!!

You CANNOT tell me he’s not doing the absolute MOST to try and seduce Miss Juliana Mariposa Rose Molina.

Yes I’m making a headcanon that Julie has TWO middle names and that one of them is the spanish word for butterfly and that the other is her mother’s name. Also yes, I believe (i believe that we’re just one dream away from who we’re– oh, that’s not what we’re doing? okay, sorry!) that Juliana is Julie’s full name.

In this house we love and respect Juliana Mariposa (Dahlia)** Rose Molina

**I’m just putting Dahlia there for fun bc I can. :) Whether I’d consider it a possible middle name of hers depends. Anyway I just thought it was a cute thing to add bc it goes along with the other middle names I gave her *^_^* Also, I feel like I made a post giving a bunch of the characters middle names lemme see if I can find it later)

Ok i’m done this took me basically all day from like 10am until 4:08. I obviously took breaks in between, but not long ones...😶

[a-bang-for-your-bucky]

Welcome Home Part 4

Summary: Winter is here. Peyton has her match against Shida, Kenny has his match against Moxley, Brandi shares some information with Peyton.

Pairings: Cody Rhodes x OFC (Sister), Brandi Rhodes x OFC (sister), Kenny Omega x OFC

WARNINGS: 18+, explicit language, allusions to smut, a heated make out sesh, heel turn.

Word: 1,957

A/N: y'all i'm sorry this took so long. I hope this is as good as the other parts. <3

Tonight was the night. “Winter is Coming” had an action packed card. There was a rumor going around that someone was making their AEW debut, but only a certain few knew who. (Here's a hint: IT'S STIIIIIIIIIING).

My match against Shida was after Cody’s tag match with Darby against Team Taz. Brandi and I watched the AEW Dynamite Diamond Ring Battle Royal as I prepped, put my gear on and stretched. I rolled my eyes watching as MJF weaseled his way into a win. “One day, Wardlow is going to kick his ass.” I bet as I turned to Brandi. She nodded in agreement. She had been acting different lately. “You alright, sis? You seem off.” I asked her, genuinely concerned.

Brandi looked around the office space we were in, before getting up to close the door. “You can’t say anything, especially to Cody.” She made me promise before continuing. She was starting to scare me. “I’m pregnant.” She beamed, pulling a scan photo out of her bag.

My jaw dropped, eyes wide open. “I’m gonna be an aunt again?!” I all but squealed, taking the black and white photo from her. “Brandi, that’s so exciting! I know how much you guys have been wanting this.” She enveloped me in a hug.

“I haven’t came up with the best way to tell Cody yet, but it’s gonna be this weekend. So, you won’t have to keep the secret for long.” Brandi was positively glowing. This was the best news to get right before my match.

“Thank you for trusting me. I can’t believe this. It’s gonna bring me good luck, I just know it.” I smiled, hugging her again. A knock on the door pulled us back to the night at hand. “It’s open.” I yelled.

It was Cody. “You’re up, Pey.” He said as he walked in over to Brandi. “Hi, honey.” He whispered sweetly, giving her a kiss. I mock-gagged telling them to get a room before I left. It was time; My time.

A twenty minute long, extremely physical match later and I did it. By the skin of my teeth, I was able to get Shida in a roll up. For good measure, I used the bottom rope to my advantage, leveraging more pressure on the pin. Luckily, Rick Knox didn’t see it.

“Here is your winner, and new AEW Women’s Champion, The Dream Killer, Peyton Rhodes.” Justin bellowed into the microphone. The crowd was split between cheers and boos. Tony had met me at the stage.

“Peyton, any comment on the match?” He asked, obviously hinting at the rope thing. I smiled and shook my head.

“What Tony? You mean the match I just won? The one where I became champion? I think it went great.” I flashed him a toothy grin.

“But the rop-”

I cut him off. “Let me stop you right there, Schiavone. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I won that match, fair and square, with blood, sweat, and tears.” I growled into the mic, “Excuse me, I have a celebration to plan.” I stalked off down the heel tunnel. I only had about fifteen minutes before spot with Jon and Kenny.

Shit, I thought. I almost forgot about the conversation a couple of weeks ago. When Cody said he wanted me to turn on Jon, really solidify my heel turn, I didn’t think he’d want me to help take his title. Tony Khan wanted Kenny and I to play a ‘Power Couple’, basically take over the show.

I quickly changed out of my ring gear, back into my street clothes. The black skinny jeans were distressed and paired well with the grey tank top and tight leather vest I had pulled over it. My feet were clad in black combat boots.

I stood at the Gorilla monitors, watching Kenny’s match. I was still feeling high from winning my match and becoming AEW Women’s champion. I was waiting for my cue from Kenny to rush out. The last few weeks, Kenny had been dropping hints that he was turning heel. Tonight, I was sealing that turn and helping him win the AEW title.

Kenny had climbed to the top rope, looking like he was about to attempt a moonsault, but Jon rushed him. Kenny noticed and jumped to the outside of the ring. I gasped, worried he had landed wrong on his knee. Only relaxing once I saw him jump back up on the apron. Jon hit him with a forearm, knocking him off balance long enough for Jon to slide out of the ring and pull a foot out from under him.

Kenny went face first into the apron. Jon grabbed him, looking like he was going for the paradigm shift, but did a slightly awkward snapdragon into a speaker. Kenny laid there, defenseless. I grabbed my mic, and got ready to run out onto the stage. The ref was trying to keep Jon back, while the ringside medic checked on Kenny.

More referees came out to assess Kenny, and I could tell Jon was getting pissed. He stalked back over and tossed the extras out of the way, trying to get to Kenny. Jon rolled him back into the ring and began pounding on his head. Kenny brought his hands up to protect his head, shooting a signal that only I knew to look out for.

I rushed out the heel tunnel, mic in hand. “Jon, stop. Please, stop.” I begged as I got closer to the ropes. Jon paused, confused as to why I was out there. “He’s down, Mox, stop.”

He moved off of Kenny, walking over to me. “What the hell are you doing?” He asked, throwing his hands up. He turned his back to me, doing Kenny’s signature finger gun gesture. I reached over the top rope, grabbing at his shoulder. He turned angrily, causing me to jump back, strategically dropping the mic into the ring for Kenny. “Get out of here, Peyton!” Jon yelled at me before turning back to Kenny.

I had the referee distracted long enough for Kenny to grab the mic, and smack Jon in the head with it. He had busted Jon wide open, the blood staining his face. Kenny pulled down his knee pad, hitting a V Trigger one, two, three, four times. I was sure Jon was unconscious. Kenny pushed him into a corner, fatigue settling in. He used the turnbuckle as leverage to lift Jon up, preparing for a One Winged Angel. He slammed Jon into the mat with such force, that the entire ring shook. Kenny grabbed one leg, all but laying over Jon, pinning him.

“Here is your winner, and NEW AEW world heavyweight champion, Kenny Omega.” Justin Roberts announced, and the crowd booed. I slid into the ring, taking the title from the ref, giving it to Kenny. I went to raise his hand, instead Kenny pulled me close. One of his hands grabbed the back of my head, pulling me toward him. I froze as his lips met mine. Quickly, after recovering from the shock, I pulled away. Kenny kept me close as he raised the belt. My mind still blank from the kiss, he moved us towards the rope, carefully holding them open for me to step through.

Once we were backstage and out of sight, I turned to face him. “Care to explain what the fuck that was?!” I fumed. Kenny’s face went beet red. He swiped a hand down his face. I knew he was exhausted, but I needed answers.

“Look, I promise I will explain, but Callis has a chopper ready to get me the fuck outta here. Come with me.” He swore, gesturing to the back door. I nodded and let him lead me outside. As we neared the chopper, Alex Marvez stopped Kenny to ask what happened. Callis stepped out of the chopper, telling him that he, along with everyone else, can find out Tuesday on Impact.

They must have anticipated my joining them as I found my duffle, along with my title and phone on the floor of the chopper. The pilot flew us to an undisclosed location, which I soon found out was the landing pad at Kenny's hotel. Callis ran straight to his room, hunkering down from the fall out of tonight's show. Kenny opened the door to his room, gesturing for me to come in. I walked inside, getting comfortable on the couch.

I quickly pulled out my phone, letting Cody know I was with Kenny. He immediately responded stating they were about to send a search party. I huffed out a laugh and Kenny looked over at me.

"I guess I have some explaining to do huh?" He sighed, running his fingers through his blonde curls. I nodded sharply. "I want to apologize first. I shouldn't have kissed you, especially without your permission and I'm truly sorry." He amended, " second, I really wish our first kiss would have been under better circumstances." He smiled sweetly. This man always finding a way to melt my heart.

"I accept your apology, this time Omega." I teased. "What made you do it though?" I asked, unsure if I wanted the answer.

"You know, the adrenaline was coursing through my veins, and there you were looking like a damn angel. And I thought to myself, the only thing that would make this better would be to kiss you. Before I could stop myself, my lips were on yours." Kenny blushed, explaining himself.

The man looked like a damn dream. Still clad in just his wrestling tights, blonde hair a mess of curls, chest red from the hits he took. And to top it all off, his lips looked down right kissable. Only Kenny Omega could look this good after a grueling wrestling match. I thought, smiling to myself. And even though I was upset that our first kiss happened on Live TV with millions watching, I wanted nothing more than for it to happen again.

“Can we get a redo?” The words fell from my lips as a whisper. Kenny’s head snapped up to look at me. He took three big strides to the couch where I was sat, pulling me up to my feet. One of his hands, which I never noticed were so big until they were cupping my face, tilted my mouth up toward his.

Torturously slow, Kenny brought his lips to mine. My eyes fluttered shut as my hands came up to tangle my fingers in his curls. Impossibly, Kenny pulled me closer, causing a small gasp to leave me. He took the opportunity to slide his tongue against my own.

The kiss was sweet, passionate, and full of emotion. When we finally parted to breath, Kenny was the first to speak. “That was,” he stopped, trying to find the right word.

“Breath-taking.” I finished his sentence and he nodded in agreeance. “Ken,” I started. He cut me off by kissing me again. I quickly melted into the kiss. My hands began to roam his body, slipping under the tight T-shirt, feeling the taut muscles of his back.

I pulled away from his intoxicating kiss and pushed him back toward the couch. Once back in a seated position, I straddled him. “Fuck, Pey.” Kenny moaned as my lips attacked his neck. He pulled my face back so that our eyes met. His blue eyes were almost black with desire . “Can’t have you leaving any marks there, princess.” Kenny growled. I cocked a brow and ground my center down on him. Kenny immediately flipped us, so that he was hovering over me. “You’re playing a dangerous game, Princess.” Kenny had started to unzip my vest when we were interrupted by banging on the door.

Tags: @rach-supreme93

[racingtoaredlight]

RTARL’s 2020 NFL Season Week 11 Extravapalooza

Holy moly, we’ve already made it to Week 11. I’m honestly conflicted over whether or not this is a good thing. In terms of basic pandemic mitigation practices, the NFL conducting its season is fucking insane. These guys are all well-compensated pros, but they’re still taking risks well above and beyond what they normally do, and I truly feel pretty shitty about that. In addition, the fact that some stadiums are allowing thousands of fans inside during games is a crime against humanity, and it really lays bare how craven and sociopathic the ghouls who own sports franchises are. 

With that said, it’s extremely hypocritical of me to be so disdainful of the NFL’s current existence, since I watch the games, set my fantasy lineup, and generally enjoy all the stuff that comes with an NFL season. I usually bristle and roll my eyes whenever a sporting entity trots out the whole “We feel like we’re helping society by providing a distraction from everything going on” line, but in this case, with where we are right now as a country...the NFL really is doing that. For me, anyway. Is the stress-relief that the NFL provides to me and millions of other people worth all the bad stuff that comes with it? I don’t know. Probably not. But, I’d be lying if I said I’m not thankful that it’s there.

My picks are in BOLD, and the lines come to us courtesy of our friends at Vegas Insider. I use the “VI Consensus” line, which is the line that occurs most frequently across Vegas Insider’s list of sportsbooks. Your sportsbook of choice may offer a different number, and if you’d like my opinion on said number A) you are insane, and B) leave a comment below and I’ll try to answer at some point before things kickoff today.

EARLY GAMES

Tennessee Titans at Baltimore Ravens (-6)

It’s odd to have a game between a pair of 6-3 teams widely considered contenders that feels like a “must win” for each scuffling side. A great man once said “Desperation is a stinky cologne,” and the Titans absolutely reek coming into this one, so I’m giving them the edge. Baltimore being down two starting defensive linemen when Derrick Henry comes to town also factors into my pick, but nobody wants to hear that nerd shit, gotta go with my GUT, baby!

Philadelphia Eagles at Cleveland Browns (-2.5)

Hey, Cleveland doesn’t have to play in the middle of a tornado this week! There will still be driving rains, though. Fortunately, the Browns are built for the slop. RBs Nick Chubb and Kareem Hunt are both ridiculous, but I’d like to give a special shoutout to G Wyatt Teller, who is currently Pro Football Focus’ highest-graded player...in the entire NFL. That’s some grade A beef! DE and straight-up superhuman Myles Garrett is out for this one, which is an enormous blow for the Cleveland defense. If I had any confidence whatsoever in Carson Wentz I’d think about taking Philly, but that young man is a mess.

Pittsburgh Steelers (-10.5) at Jacksonville Jaguars

I’m once again betting on the Steelers playing down to the level of their competition. The Jags kept things close against the Packers last week, there’s fight in them thar cats.

Cincinnati Bengals at Washington Football Team (-1.5)

I’m still extremely nervous for Alex Smith the entire time he’s on the field, but I have to admit there’s something magical about him making it all the way back to being exactly as Alex Smith-y as he was before (minus the scrambling ability, obviously). Washington RB J.D. McKissic has 16(!) catches on 29(!!) targets over the two games Smith has started. If this continues J.D. is going to owe Alex a cut of his next contract, and possibly the mineral rights to his legs if the need arises.

Today is Cincy RB Gio Bernard’s birthday, so LOOK OUT LADIES!

Atlanta Falcons at New Orleans Saints (-3.5)

I’m making this pick based on the assumption that New Orleans really does roll with Taysom Hill at QB for the entire game, because that’s what all currently available information indicates will happen. I really do wonder if that’s going to be the case, though. I’ve read a couple of things speculating that the reason Hill is starting is that if Jameis plays he’s likely to reach various incentive clauses in his contract and cost the Saints a bunch of money. That seems utterly ridiculous to me, because why the hell would you bother signing him at all if this is how you were gonna roll? Then again, I’m not a Football Man, so maybe my un-browned normie brain just doesn’t understand.

Detroit Lions (-3) at Carolina Panthers

CATFIGHT!!!

The Lions are the orange kitty in this scenario, because Matthew Stafford will be playing through a torn thumb while not having WR Kenny Golladay or RB D’Andre Swift at his disposal. 

New England Patriots (-2) at Houston Texans

The concept of an “emotional hedge,” first introduced to me by RTARL commenter Beer, is in play here. I have NO idea if the Patriots are actually decent or not, and this has all the makings of a letdown game coming off of their unexpected win over Baltimore. Reigning Defensive Player of the Year Stephon Gilmore is expected to be back for the Pats in this one, which is very nice. RB Sony Michel is also likely coming back, which could muddy the backfield and take touches away from Damien Harris, which is less nice. 

The Patriots have an atrocious rush defense, but Houston’s primary RB, Duke Johnson, is far better as a receiver than as a straight-up runner, so I’m not sure they can take advantage all that much. In addition, Duke’s receiving skills are mostly squandered because QB DeShaun Watson hates checking down and seemingly prefers to take sacks while looking for throws downfield instead. Wait, why the hell am I picking Houston here??? Is this what hedging is? I don’t like it!

LATE GAMES

New York Jets at Los Angeles Chargers (-9.5)

It feels weird to lay 9.5 points with a 2-7 team, but such is the power of the Jets’ ineptitude. To New York’s credit, they were competitive in two of their last three games (against NE and BUF), but those two games were sandwiched around a 35-9 beatdown at the hands of Kansas City. We would all feel better if the cool, young Chargers steamrolled these sad sacks in a joyous explosion of big plays, and this pick is my attempt at speaking it into existence. 

Miami Dolphins (-3.5) at Denver Broncos

I don’t know why I have an affinity for Drew Lock, but I do. He probably appeals to the same part of my brain that delights in terrible movies and horrible jokes, which is the most backhanded compliment I have ever given anyone in my entire life. Drew's gonna tough it out and try to play through a rib injury this week, which is gutty and admirable and all that, but I can’t imagine it’s going to help his already shaky accuracy.

Green Bay Packers at Indianapolis Colts (-1.5)

The Packers are getting their best defensive player back in CB Jaire Alexander, which will make life more difficult for increasingly-noodle-armed Colts QB Philip Rivers. Conversely, Indy’s defense is among the best in the league, so I don’t really see a carnival of offense coming from the Packers, either. Honestly, this should be a close, well-played game between two exceedingly competent squads. The kind of game where there will be long stretches where nothing major happens, but you can point out random shit that happens away from the ball and talk about line play and really sound like you know what the fuck you’re talking about. A tremendous game for fraudulent football-knowers everywhere.

Dallas Cowboys at Minnesota Vikings (-7)

It would be an INCREDIBLY Vikings move to lose this game outright. The return of Andy Dalton is being treated like it’s something that’ll get the Cowboys somewhat back on track, but prior to his injury he looked like crap, so I don’t really know where that’s coming from. Also, while he was out with a concussion he had a bout with COVID-19 that “hit him hard.” It’s tough for me to imagine he’s going to play BETTER coming out of what sounds like a truly shitty few weeks.

SNF: Kansas City Chiefs (-7.5) at Las Vegas Raiders

A lot has been made about how pissed Kansas City is about the Raiders taking a supposed “victory lap” in their team bus around the Arrowhead parking lot after their win over the Chiefs earlier in the season, and I’m choosing to completely buy into this narrative because it’s fucking hilarious. If K.C. has already reached the “needing to exaggerate/outright invent slights to get up for regular season games against inferior opponents” portion of their reign, we’re in great shape for entertainment purposes going forward.

MNF: Los Angeles Rams at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-4)

I don’t remotely trust Jared Goff against Tampa Bay’s defense. I do think this is probably our SMASHMOUTH NOSEBLEED GRIND IT OUT Game of the Week, and I can already see Tom Brady screaming at his offensive linemen at some point after he gets popped a couple of times during a single possession. Should be fun!

Last Week’s Record: 7-5-1

Season Record: 65-68-5