#yeah this is a noms fic. what else did you expect

[x-pair-o-dice-x]

hehehehhehhooooo,,, guess who made a fic :3... haven't transferred it to ao3 yet, so– gimme, like– an hour or so? judging from past experience.

in the meantime,,, take these related doodles i made for @wendy130's ghost chasers prompt,,,, skndksmskdj.

[bae-science]

now newt you may be thinking you’ve decided to double major and have a minor in your greatest act of nomative determinism yet how could you POSSIBLY have time to keep your mind sharp and sexy with real books and still read fanfic? well i’m going to college in a pandemic, that’s why. hardest battles sexiest soldiers and all that. here’s some white boy tuesday.

Overworked by Ferrety

WHAT a good good depiction of a meltdown and an even better autistic hermann. great fresh voice that feels true to character, the buildup is well paced so that when the h/c does hit it’s well-earned and cathartic, and all in all some really good classic lab era whump

double back by @ghostpressure

ghost drift translated to prose is really hard to pull off, so big kudos for keeping things poetic and mind-fucky, but still coherent and easy to understand. i love the little crystalized moments we get that tell us how clearly hermann is cataloguing them, which is a great detail to show inner thoughts rather than telling. i love love love the dialogue; it bounces the line between proper banter and the more serious, introspective tone the fic takes very well

All Clear by @trifoliate-undergrowth (NSFW)

this bitch has the TROPES. hate makeouts? arguments turn to more? trapped somewhere together and tension rises as they’re forced to wait it out? WALL SLAM HELLO. never before have i actually seen so many classic newmann faves for nsfw in one place and it’s like the scholastic book fair for adults. very cute voice for hermann as well, because oh yeah, he really is a dude in his late 20s and not actually an 80 year old turtle in a sweater

heat of the moment by @kingeiszler (NSFW)

if any of you so much as LOOK at me i will stomp you to death with my hooves. trans horny newt rights also i was NOT expecting that angst with a happy ending moment at the end but like fuck. this fic is packing about as much good stuff as the front of newt’s hot topic jeans. hermann gottlieb god of WAP

Dress Code by @arcanemoody

there are not enough fics centered around newt and his self-image post-pru and ESPECIALLY not enough dealing with him finding his style again. i think this concept is such a good one to explore nonbinary newt through (if i get a single “kinnie” in my askbox i’m writing a fic where stan twitter outs the precursors as possessing newt because they made an account and popped off. do not test me you all know i’m fucking crazy but i’m free) since so much of gender presentation is in clothes, along with the other stuff the precursors clearly took over in uprising. and then i know we all love to interpret the “whoever will take him” as newt being bi but i’m always glad when it’s noted in fic, and the way it’s used to develop his character works very well

The Geiszler-Gottlieb Wedding by Goldmoth

if for nothing else please go to the second chapter of this fic and read the playlist because i literally fell out of my bed laughing and had a bump on the back of my head the size of a cherry. worth it.

Baby, I’m a fool for you by @that-one-fandom-chick

wingman vanessa supremacy. twilight soundtrack supremacy. hermann meeting newt while he’s in a band SUPREMACY also with a lot of these fics combining it with “first meeting” everything usually goes wrong, but it was so refreshing to have that extremely cute diner scene at the end.... the old friend mitski vibes of it all........ gay hands hermann rights

Now We Have the Salad by MnemonicMadness

i wanna say right off the bat this concept tickles me so deeply because if a non diabetic person switched bodies with a t1d (moi) i would have to helicopter parent 90% of everything they did if i didn’t want to, like. die. or at least have a fucked a1c. anyway this is a really great twist on the body swap trope that takes full advantage of hermann’s disability as a plot point, and with the added variety of being post-uprising. that last bit is what makes the story work, actually, because if it were simply pr1 era, you wouldn’t really have an excuse for newt so desperately wanting to give hermann time in a pain-free body without it coming off as pitying and insensitive. but tack on the guilt of the precursors, and what they did to hermann, and you have the perfect justification for newt’s actions. smart writing! and some good old mortifying ordeal of being known that stays tasteful in context

i’m drawn to you, honey, like the sea to the fisherman’s daughter by @campgender  

i love a good post pr1 beach house fic i cannot lie! “newt and hermann don’t have ppdc jobs anymore but they sure do have trauma!” fics have sort have gone out of fashion post-events that occurred in 2018, but this one is a very good blast from the past. i love the beginning, which is such a fucking accurate depiction of how people used to having to be hyper competent in traumatic situations react to it being all over abruptly. i LOVE LOVE the ending, it’s so true to character and what i hope a good pr2 would have done for newt. this thing is chock-full of so many good lines, like “Maybe I don’t know how to live with nice things.” fucking MOOD and “’If you’re good enough at what you do,’ Hermann says firmly, ‘which you are, people tend to pretend as if the rest of it doesn’t exist.’” is so so accurate to the academia climb when you’re disabled, let me fucking tell you. great moment after great moment.

I’ve Got Your Letter by @coloredpencilroses

A if i rec this then ten things i hate about you au in my mouth please. please. please. anyway this fic is SO fun and good i love the writing style and how the humor is fun and consistent throughout both povs, the slowburn keeps things agonizing but has enough fun characters and plot to keep you invested and not just begging for an end so you can skip to it, TENDO KING OF BRAIN CELLS, and i haven’t seen you’ve got mail so i’m literally saving it until this thing finishes to keep the suspense. excellent fic for autumn

now usually this is where i plug my most recent work but since #theprecursorsareoverparty has spawned a more vitriol and hateful reaction than i ever could have dreamed, read i never liked that ending either and get yourself some culture. and stan tom stoppard

[theriverpersonshadow]

Lamia Drama/Deltarune Semi-Crack Fic

The not-awaited, not asked for Lamia Drama X Deltarune crackfic that absolutely no one wanted, but might now find they want!

I played Deltarune Chapter 2 and just decide to write some silliness for fun. This is extremely non-canon to everything involved. Spoilers (kinda but not really) for DeltaRune Chapter 2.

Warnings for swearing, an extremely brief moment of existential dread, and one sexual joke.

As always, the species of lamia I use come from @vex-bittys

If this is your cup of tea, maybe buy me a Kofi?

           Susie stared up at the sign in front of them. “Kris. This…. Is this a fucking pet shop???” Susie said. The sign said “Caring Coils” and had a picture of someone part skeleton, part snake.

           “No! It’s a spring shop!” Lancer said. What else could “Coils” mean?

           “U-Um… I… I don’t know where this building came from???” Ralsei said. As far as he was aware, they had seen neither snakes nor springs on their journey, but apparently this was in Castle Town now! Somehow!

           Kris walked in. It was surprisingly bright for something in the Dark World, eerily similar to what it’d be like in the light world, but given that the main inhabitants seemed to be the apparent offspring of Jockington and Sans, just… What was even happening here.

           “Are these, like, half skeleton, half snake?” Susie said, walking up and knocking on the glass holding the Mamba. A dozen or so snakes suddenly tackled the glass, hissing at her. “Okay, not gonna lie, that’s kinda cool. You think they bite?”

           Kris just stared at the sign on the glass enclosure saying “Please Ask Before Handling – We Bite – Highly Venomous” until Susie got the hint.

           Regardless, Susie hummed, seriously contemplating sticking her entire hand in there anyways. “Hey. Hey Noelle, you dare me?”

           “SUSIE NO!”

           “C’mon, does venom even work on monsters?”

           “Hah! Clearly you know nothing. Monsters do not have blood and nerves to shut down the same way humans do,” Berdly said, strolling over to the Mamba enclosure. “They don’t even look that tough. Look! They’re worm- AAAAAAAAAAAA;LKJSDFLK;JDFA!” He had stuck his hand in there and immediately gotten himself bitten by like 13 Mamba. He flapped his wings, running around the room and sending bitty Mamba flying absolutely everywhere. Tiny battle cries filled the room as they chased after Berdly.

           “Um… Kris? Should we help him?” Ralsei said, watching the chaos.

           Kris answered No, deciding to instead head into the back. Unlike the skeletal-snakes who were snake sized in the front, this area seemed inhabited by skeleton-sized skele-snakes. Kind of. Most were shorter than Kris, except one Cobra who zipped directly by them with a weaponized mop in hand. Kris peaked back – looks like the cobra dude was mopping up the little skelesnakes. Cool, that’s been settled.

           They got a few odd looks as they browsed the area. It had snake things, and child things. Presumably for snake children, which most of these seemed to be. If not for the supplies and price tags, it’d be easy to mistake this place for an orphanage – which Kris could understand, who would want a Sans X Jockington baby?

           Oh hey, that one might be an adult. A particularly grumpy looking  skele-snake looked them up and down, them immediately flipped them off, “Oh great, I thought I was done with human shit. Or whatever the fuck you are.”

           Kris flipped him off back. What meaningful dialogue.

             Meanwhile, Ralsei was trying to figure out what he should do. In the few seconds Kris had left, Suzy had broken another enclosure completely and even more snakes were running around, not at all helped by Lancer and Rouxls mistaking the new lightners(?) for worms and trying to eat them. Berdly had been swiftly knocked out by the tiny swarm.

           Thankfully, something answered Ralsei’s prayers. He didn’t expect his newly found angel to be a 12-foot-something long version of the things causing chaos, but he literally started mopping up the little ones and depositing them into boxes. As soon as that was done, he gave them all an exhausted, withering stare, “Why. Just… why.”

           “Worms are tasty!” chirped Lancer.

           “These are not worms, we’re lamia,” the new person said. He sighed, straightening himself, “Where are my manners. I’m Nikolai. Apparently the rest of the staff disappeared, somehow, and I have no idea where we are, so forgive me if I’m a bit… in need of several of wines.” His “staff” uniform had been replaced by gold and white robes… and a small golden nametag declaring him “staff”.

           Rouxls pushed himself to the front. “I sympathizeth with thee mostly fullily, thine fellow worker of high class and generallyeth most terrifying stature.”

           “… I think I’m having a stroke,” Nikolai said.

           “Hey Yooooo. I Heard Someone Was Wanting Wine (alcoholic)? I Have Some Battery Acid Right Here!” the Queen said, holding her glass cup of battery acid. It exploded in her hand. “Oops Lol (amused)”

           “… I… I give up,” Nikolai said, laying his head on a table. Several of the bitties were chirping and giving praises, trying to tell him not to give up, but the Mamba were also trying to knock the box they’d been placed in off the shelf by all ramming the side of it at once. The chaos refused to be contained any longer.

           Ralsei looked at Nikolai sympathetically, going over and patting his back, “H-Hey, it’s okay! I’m sure between the two of us and Kris we can keep… order… Oh dear.” Everyone had scattered. It seemed that only The Queen, the unconscious Berdly, and Noelle remained in the room with them.

             The Queen looked into the bitty Papython tank. “Hey Is That You Trousle?”

           Trousle looked up at this new lady with the cool glasses, nodding.

           “Sorry You Came Eleventh In The Dragon Cards The Deckening Mini-Tournament Game But Dang Getting That Much Out Of Like A Billion People (Exaggeration) Is Dang (Damn) Impressive!” The Queen said.

           Trousle’s eyes widened, how did she know that?

           “Oh Yeah And Here Is This (based on search history: Sexy Dom Bitties).” It was a small domino with Mettaton legs sticking out from it.

           Trousle was silently screaming, but being him had the perk that he didn’t have to hold in his screams! They were silent by default. So he was just screaming and completely blush-colored in the face.

           “Oh And Emo Thrash Metal (based on search history: Emo Thrash Metal).” She deposited a small broken chunk of the Thrash Machine that had thrashed her giant robot’s ass which was inexplicably wearing eyeliner and had “it’s not a phase mom!” written on it.

           Meanwhile, Susie had joined Kris in flipping off Hux, and then Liam came.

           “Tch. I don’t know what you troglodytes think you’re doing, but we’re closed. Get out,” Liam hissed, putting himself between Hux and the intruders. They were not closed, but could you really be “open” when you had accidentally planeshifted to another dimension without the majority of your staff?

           “Yeah! Fuck off!” Hux hissed, throwing a double birdy.

           “YOU GUYS WANNA GO?!” Susie yelled, foaming at the mouth and drawing her axe. Liam looked injured, but if he was going to go around picking fights, she wasn’t going to stop him!

           “Oh please,” Liam said, rolling his eyes and crossing his arms, smirking far too smugly. “I would obviously win.”

           “OH IT IS ON!” Susie said, surging forwards. She and Liam both turned out to be too adept at dodging for this to go much of anywhere, and Hux and Kris just spent the fight insulting each other even after Susie and Liam got so mutually carried away they left the battlefield.

           Lancer had found some new kind of paradise: a plastic hammock full of dubious, blueberry snot flavored salsa! He paid no mind to the other person using the weird spa, just jumping in and plopping into the vat of goo.

           Oozy blinked owlishly at Lancer, then started laughing, “Kid? Kid, what are you doing?”

           “I’m claiming this spa as mine, you minty fresh bundle of mouthwash.”

           “Um… This… is my bed?”

           “No it’s not! This is a hammock, not a bed!”

           “… can’t argue with that logic,” Oozy said, shrugging. He wrapped lightly around Lancer, purring. That said, he couldn’t quite resist the urge to tease, “Wow, easiest snack ever.”

           “Thanks!” Lancer chirped.

           Rouxls Kaard then skidded down the hallways without ever adjusting his Trademark Pose, “HALT WORMTH! THEE SHALSTH NOTS EAT MINE PRINCETH.”

           Oozy, being a little shit, looked Rouxls in the eye as he lightly pressed his teeth to the back of Lancer’s head and audibly said, “Nom.”

           “NOOOOO! UNHAND HIM, THINE UNCLEANETHEST OF HEATHENS!”

           “Naaaah.”

           “I’m slimy!” Lancer chirped.

           Meeeeeeanwhile, Keith was laughing maniacally in a mix of sheer disbelief and genuine amusement as he dodged kicks from a living checkers piece, a small army of Pawns at his side. Too bad they weren’t from the same game.

             Some of the Queen’s butlers helped Nikolai and Noelle clean up the storefront from the burst of chaos (and Berdly). They still weren’t sure how they got there, but y’know what, even Nikolai cannot contain this, so he lets the kids who are old enough play around the area with some supervision.

           The Mamba immediately flock to the Dojo, Liam leading the charge, to prove their superiority over all. Berdly gets his ass beat there again. There are Papython in the bakery and Kings in the café, and, well, just lamia generally everywhere.

           A lot of the younger ones flock to Seam. Every child’s dream come true: a giant plush toy that can actually talk to you and he’s kind of just a big fluffy grandpa!!!

             Eventually just Kris and Hux are left inside, locked in a battle of wills and insults.

           “Like you’d even know what it’s like to not have fucking control of shit! To always be told what to do and what to be, and if you can’t, no one gives a fuck about you!”

           Kris: Act:

           Understand.

           They understand, they understand far too well.

           …

           Kris: Act:

           Kidnap.

           The snake boy is going home with them now. He screams, but he does not get a say in this. Bye.

[dreadnought-dear-captain]

Bisexual Steve Rogers and Fandom Misogyny

CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR CHAPTER 33 OF BAGHDAD WALTZ AND FRANK DISCUSSION OF SEX

I received an interesting comment on this latest chapter of BW that got me thinking a bit about writing a bisexual character, as well as thoughts about misogyny in the fandom. Now, I’ll admit out the gate that this may be a troll comment, but I kind of suspected that I might get some kind of blowback for Steve sleeping with Sharon in this chapter, and I wanted to write something on this subject eventually. I figured it these comments would be more like “HOW DARE” or something of that nature. What I did NOT really expect was  something like “you fucked up, that was disgusting,” which was the nature of this particular comment on Ao3. And while I think the “HOW DARE” comments are completely justified, the whole “eww gross” angle was frankly perplexing, and it made me want to dust off some old thoughts that I’ve had about writing a bisexual character in a fandom that claims to have this robust BISEXUAL STEVE ROGERS thing going for it.

First off, this person claimed that although they “read hetero,” they were still so grossed out by this scene that they refused to even read past it to find out what happens in the rest of the chapter. Godspeed, good reader. They didn’t even remark specifically on being disturbed by the fact that Steve was with Sharon, just on how disgusting the sex was. Now, you can ask my beta - I tried and tried to get away with writing their scene with less detail and enthusiasm, but she held me to task and insisted that I write this with as much detail as I would write Steve sucking cock and enjoying that. Because this character would enjoy both very, very much. And given that this is the deep third person POV, Steve’s enjoyment is paramount and the most important part of the scene. It is essentially a sexual reawakening for him, after being emotionally and biologically shut down for months and months, and so yeah, he needs to get INTO IT in order for that to happen. I believe I did four drafts this scene before it was passable, and I still probably could have done better at conveying his enthusiasm.

The word “disgusting” is maybe the most disturbing part of this reader’s comment, because why is enjoying giving oral sex to a woman “disgusting”? I will give myself a little credit that I didn’t write it so poorly that I belong in porn prison, and I didn’t dance around the details or avoid frank language because… why? He clearly has a thing for oral service, which is highly consistent with his overall character. If he was slobbering and moaning over Bucky’s cock, and it was important that he be drawn to the experience viscerally to pull him from his haze of depression and emotional deadness, I wouldn’t cut the details. I could have included so much more, even. I honestly just wanted to move on and finish the chapter. If it was a cock he was going down on, I also probably wouldn’t have received feedback that it was disgusting. Because Cocks are Good. More on this below.

My beta brought up this point - Why are we often more comfortable with the idea of someone eating ass - where literal shit comes out of - than we are someone going down on a vulva? And don’t get me started on how much nasty ass-eating goes on fics, like eating ass after, say, being in the field for days, unshowered, presumably after taking at least one shit in some cat hole somewhere. (Nom nom nom. So hawt.) Oh, but someone enthusiastically enjoying cunnilingus? FILTHY. Because lady parts are ugly and smelly and disgusting and we should only refer to them (uh, ironically??) as “m’lady’s flowering garden” (thanks for the inspo, @passioninthevines) or some other weird euphemism. Or, better yet, let’s just not have any of that yucky stuff at all. Hetero sex for bisexuals should be penis-in-vagina only, behind closed doors, in the past. Or, better yet, let’s just have it be an idea - a vaguely written jerk-off fantasy about Peggy Carter that never becomes anything.

I’m wondering if some readers throughout the course of BW have had a problem with actually seeing this kind of behaviorally bisexual character, one who truly is very sexually attracted to two genders, rather than one who is just like, yeah, I was into Peggy back into ’40s, who is now old or dead and definitely not a sexual object, but now I love cocks (ALSO?) so I am now an OFFICIAL BISEXUAL STEEB ROGERS! Hooray! Give me all the cocks! Or just whatever OTP cock the author chooses for me to suck/fuck exclusively.

As an important aside, I also don’t want to presume that there’s any “right” way to be bisexual, because we bisexual people already have too many stupid “rules” that we are supposed to follow and we’re never gay or straight enough for anyone. Steve in BW is just one manifestation of a bisexual person. Some bisexual people may be largely attracted to men and only have some minor interest in women or other genders. And/or other permutations of attraction and behavior! But this chapter had two major sex scenes for Steve - one with Sharon and one with Bucky (via fantasy) - in part to demonstrate his equal enthusiasm for both women and men. I even warned everyone at the beginning of this fic that he has an enthusiastic sexual interest in Sharon. This is what that looks like. This is not the first commenter throughout BW history who has expressed problems with Steve’s frank sexual interest in Sharon, though this is the first chapter where it’s been so thoroughly portrayed.

I feel like this is one example of bisexual Steve Rogers getting shit (via me, the bisexual author) for being bisexual because he’s not being the right kind of bisexual. He needs to be a collected, well-behaved bisexual, the kind who has tidy PiV hetero sex behind closed doors, in the past, quietly, with a grimace, while thinking about Bucky Barnes with longing and dismay at how fucked his life is. He can’t actually be into women still. That breaks the rules. Women are supposed to be a concession for the man he can’t have. Because women can’t just be desirable - especially not mothers. And they can’t be sexual beings. They don’t deserve pleasure, anyway, and they definitely don’t deserve to be eaten out with wild enthusiasm by an attractive man who wants them.  

Whether this is a troll or not, I can’t help but think that this speaks to the thick core of misogyny that runs through this fandom. It shows up in the wanton (often violent) killing off of Sharon Carter, the “good bro”-ization of major female characters to ensure they are written as de facto men rather than women, revulsion over hetero sex and vulvas, and the marginalization of bisexuality when it means having enthusiastic, genuine sexual and romantic interest in women as well as men. This is just to name a few. I’m sure there are many more places this insidious problem shows up.

I will gladly buy criticism of Sharon and Steve in this latest chapter of BW for other reasons, like huh, this was a really bad idea, perhaps. This wasn’t considering Steve’s attachment issues. But calling sex “disgusting” because one person possesses a vulva? (Because let’s be honest, trade out Sharon for Bucky or Matt or any other random dude, and I doubt this would even be a comment.) This saddens me more than anything. Honestly, I think this scene turned out well. It was written true to Steve’s POV, and it was very important for his character and for his development at this point in the story.

At the end of the day, it’s not really about whether we think their sex is hot or disgusting; it’s about the POV character and his experience and what it means to him. And whether you like the fact that he likes it or not, Steve is a behaviorally bisexual person (though, interestingly, not a self-identified one, at this point in the story). And this is BW. I don’t know what else people were expecting [shrug emoji]

Thoughts?