#yes he uses masculine titles and pronouns he is still nonbinary

[siren1song]

For You

Summary: Logan and Roman are celebrating five years of marriage and get so incredibly distracted before they're even able to work on their plans for the day.

Warnings: None I can think of

Pairing: Logince

Word Count: 1,683

General Taglist: @acanvasofabillionsuns, @emo-disaster, @greenninjagal-blog, @jungle321jungle, @sleepy-sides, @gattonero17, @another-sandersidesblog, @strawberryjellystuff, @logic-with-a-pinch-of-deceit, @gr3ml1n-loser, @firey-alex, @orca-iguana, @spooky-scary-virgil, @yalltookmyurlideas, @sanderssidesweirdo, @stormypaint, @just-a-little-bit-gay-oops, @dying-is-a-hobby, @rose-gold-roman, @the-angry-ship, @rosesisupposes, @just-perhaps

Notes: Birthday fic for @main-chive. Ren you’re an amazing person ilysm

Commissions!! | Buy Me a Kofi!! | Join Casper’s Crew!! | Ao3 Link!!

There was so many things Logan loved about his husband. He could try to list them, but then he’d be stuck in bed with Roman’s arm thrown over his waist and head on his chest while Logan himself stared at the ceiling all day.

Well… he’d say the rest of the week but Logan wasn’t really one for exaggeration.

Maybe he’d list the top ten things and then get out of bed to make his love some breakfast? Learning to cook had been going well, and Logan didn’t want Roman to be the only one to make meals.

Alright, that sounded like a reasonable compromise. How to order this list though?

As Logan was trying to figure out if he wanted to go in descending or ascending order of some of his favorite things about Roman, his husband grunted in his sleep and shifted until his head was tucked just under Logan’s chin.

No particular order then.

“One,” he started, whispering softly as he removed his hand from behind his head to run his fingers through Roman’s hair, “incredibly adorable when sleeping.”

“Are you making lists while I’m trying to sleep again?” Roman mumbled, his voice hoarse but still full of amused affection at Logan’s actions.

“Yes, but this time the list centers around you. Surely that gives me a free pass?” he asked, unable to help the lift of the corners of his mouth, his heart metaphorically melting in his chest.

“Mmm, I suppose. The first one was calling me adorable?”

Logan chuckled, eyes tracking his husband as he shifted to supporting himself on his elbow so he could look down at Logan properly.

“Yes, when you’re sleeping you tend to get as close to me as possible and it makes me feel incredibly ‘mushy.’”

Another hum from Roman that turned into a yawn where he leaned back a little too far and landed on his back in the bed next to Logan.

“What’s the list then? All the features that make me the most attractive? You better not forget my love handles. Or the mole on my chin. They’re very important to how pretty I am.”

Gods above and below, Logan loved this man.

“And your surgery scars, and your crooked teeth, and your acne scars. Everything about you is beautiful, love. The list is some of the things I love bout you, in no particular order.”

Roman hummed (a little more successfully this time) with a little smile from Logan’s praise of his looks.

“No order this time? You usually try to at least go in ascending from least to most.”

Logan sat up, back pressed against the wall as he watched his husband with a soft smile.

“Yes well, pardon me for being unable to figure out any one thing about you I love more than anything else.”

Narrowing his eyes, Roman tilted his head in Logan’s direction, not doing much else to move.

“Are you buttering me up for something love?”

There was a snort, and Logan rolled his eyes.

“Have you forgotten it’s our anniversary we’re going to be going to the sunflower fields Janus has been taking care of?”

Roman shot up at the reminder, grin bright as his eyes locked on the closet.

“Oh, I can’t wait to wear the sun dress and sun hat I bought for this trip!”

Logan chuckled, mentally listed Roman’s enthusiasm for fashion at number two, and then prepared himself to leave the bed.

“Alright, you get dressed, I’ve got my own things to do to prepare.”

Roman waved him off, rolling out of the bed, slapping his chubby stomach in excitement a few times before going to the closet.

Gods above and below Logan loved that man.

At number three, Logan put Roman’s stimming with his own weight, and then he left the room to go take a shower before he got started on breakfast.

While he was getting dressed, Roman knocked on the bathroom door to get his attention.

“Yes dear?”

“Would you plug in the curling iron before you leave the bathroom? I want to be a little more feminine than usual today.”

Logan smiled, glancing towards Roman’s basket of hair products.

“Of course, love. I’ll be out in a few minutes.”

“Thank you!”

When Logan was dressed in a comfortable pair of jeans and a blue tshirt he left the bathroom (having plugged in Roman’s curling iron and noting the closed bedroom door) and made his way to the kitchen.

He was going to do his best to make a simple breakfast of scrambled eggs, bacon, and sausage. Hopefully nothing would burst into flames this time.

“Logan, love, what are you doing?” Roman asked, entering the kitchen dressed in a beautiful sun dress that really complimented his body and his sun hat in his hands.

Looking to the eggs Logan was currently trying to save, he sighed.

“I’m attempting to cook breakfast. I managed the sausage and bacon, but at one point the eggs started to burn and I’m not entirely sure how to fix it.”

Roman’s smile was amused, and Logan knew he was doing his best not to tease Logan’s lack of skill in the kitchen.

“I’m flattered by the attempt love, but it’s not my birthday, today is a day for both of us. Why don’t you sit down and I’ll remake the eggs.”

Logan sighed, giving Roman a grateful smile as he sat heavily in his usual chair.

When Roman pressed a kiss to the top of his head, Logan’s heart swelled with affection and he couldn’t resist bringing his husband down for a peck on the lips.

The giggle Roman responded with only made Logan want to kiss him again.

“If you distract me with kisses we’ll have to get take out for breakfast,” Roman said, another giggle escaping his throat.

“Alright, I suppose your right. I’ll distract you with kisses after breakfast. Janus will have to tolerate us being a little late.”

His husband snorted, moving over to the stove to work on fixing Logan’s mistakes.

“We’re always late to everything on our anniversaries. Can we be on time for once?”

Logan let out an offended gasp, taking his years of watching Roman being dramatic to heart to really sell the fact he’s not at all offended.

“You would rather we skip out on our tradition of loving kisses and you trying to get away from my attempts to tickle you?”

Roman looked over his shoulder from where he was getting the pan ready to soak to get the burnt egg off easier to give Logan a look of exasperated fondness.

“As much as I love your kisses, I would like to cut out the squirming away from you jabbing your fingers into my sides from our “anniversary traditions,” love.”

Logan hummed, resting his arm on the back of his chair and his chin on top of it.

“Alright then, I suppose. I have other ways I can get you to squeal in that adorable way of yours.”

His husband huffed loudly, but Logan saw his smile as he turned back to the sink and turned off the water.

“You live to embarrass me. Five years of marriage and you have no respect for the love of your life? Honestly, Logan.”

Logan was about to retort, but the number got stuck in his mind, distracting him while he watched Roman work.

Five years. He’d been married to the most wonderful enby he’d ever met for five years. What a thought that was.

“Love? Logan?”

Logan hummed, blinking a little to get his mind back to the present and to stop counting the years in moments of Roman making him absolutely fall.

“You spaced out a little bit. Are you still trying to finish that list from earlier?” Roman asked, glancing at Logan while doing his best to keep his attention on the food he was making.

“Ah, no, actually. I think I forgot to continue that list after number three,” was his answer, smiling sheepishly when Roman gave him his full attention for longer than a few seconds.

“You forgot to continue a list after only three items?”

Laughing at his husbands shock, Logan stood from his seat so he could wrap his arms around Roman’s waist and press a kiss to his temple.

“In my defense, there’s so much to love about you I couldn’t figure out what to put next. You’re amazing in so many ways.”

Roman leaned back against him, shifting the eggs in the pan.

“Not in every way?”

“I love you, but nothing can redeem your blanket hogging habits or your inability to not sing awfully whenever a “meme song” comes on.”

With a snort that Roman tried his best to hide, he looked up at Logan with a grin, kissing his cheek.

“I don’t sing awfully, I sing to irritate you. There’s a difference.”

“What would that difference be, love? To scream in varying pitches that do not work well together?” Logan asked, leaning back a bit to give Roman a disbelieving look.

Roman’s cheeky grin was soon taken from him as he looked back at what he was cooking.

“The difference is you like my singing normally. So I have to make myself sound as bad as possible in order for you to get irritated because you know just how exquisite I actually sound.”

“Ah yes, of course, how could I be so misinformed? Clearly singing awfully and irritating me are two entirely different things.”

“Exactly! Glad you’re open to learning from your mistakes.”

Logan laughed, stepping back from his husband and shaking his head as he sat back at the table.

“I would say your insufferable, but I agreed to suffer you for the rest of our lives five years ago. So I suppose that would be an inaccurate statement.”

“Yep!”

As Logan rolled his eyes, he couldn’t help but think that he may not have been able to finish his list of things he loved about Roman, but he could tell that his favorite thing about his husband was Roman himself.

[ultraclops]

Day 3: Be True To Yourself

Aka me literally just infodumping about my Ocs because I love them ♡

Brought to you by Colorvision! Yep, I decided to get off my lazy butt and color traditionally today :)

First off, Tiara Depurrnaire (She/Her)! A Sweetypie cat who's partially related to the Snugglemagne family and, in my timeskip AU, Adorabat's future girlfriend. Like Adorabat, she lost her leg to a monster while wandering the King's dungeons. She aspires to be just as brave as Adorabat but lacks the gall, being content to watch and learn from the sidelines. As they both get older Tiara realizes that she is a lesbian, and develops a mutual crush on Adorabat that turns into a relationship. As she ages, Tiara' aspirations to become a hero fade, and she settles for becoming a ballet teacher. She learns to be brave in her own way and unconditionally supports her monster-slaying adventuring partner, no matter how their paths diverge.

T H E Y (Also I need to post my full adult Adorabat design sometime)

Next up is Sherbet (They/Them), a Sweetypie rabbit who makes ice cream for a living! I don't really have a backstory for them but I believe they realized they were nonbinary in their younger years (around early middle school age) and have fully embraced their identity! They don't let anything get them down and are eager to cheer up the citizens of Pure Heart Valley, one ice cream cone at a time. They're also good acquaintances with Badgerclops and Adorabat, for obvious reasons. Their eyes function similarly to Badgerclops', as they only open when they feel strong emotions.

Next (and honestly one of my favorites) is Moa Nola (Xe/Xem), an agender Oriental Shorthair cat who, surprisingly, isn't related to the Mao clan. Xe originally started off as a joke character based on the misspelling of Mao Mao's name in "I'm Mao Mao", but I eventually grew attached to xem and gave xem a full-fledged backstory. Xe comes from a family of fishermen, but after xyr father was killed in a monster attack, xe decided that xe wanted to become a legendary monster hunter. Xe created xyr cloak after xyr first successful monster fight. After being mistaken for the son of Shin Mao too many times, xe used it to xyr advantage and began going under Mao Mao's title for a while. However, after being stopped by Mao Mao himself, xe dropped the act and began looking for a new sense of purpose. Ironically, xe starts collecting antique ventriloquist dummies similar to Mr. Din Danalin.

Following up on the "based on a misspelling" theme is Rhapsody (She/They), a femme-aligned nonbinary Sweetypie vampire bat inspired by Adorabat's name being mistranslated as "doorbat" in YouTube autocaptions. She is Adorabat maternal cousin, as their mother is Sonara's sister. Rhapsody was heavily impacted by Sonara's death, but rather than becoming tough like Adorabat or overprotective like Eugene, she became more reserved out of fear that they could be next. In other words, she became a doorbat (haha funny). With the arrival of Mao Mao and Badgerclops, plus the defeat of the monster that killed their aunt, Rhapsody begins to come out of her shell and indulges in their biggest passion - music. Like Adorabat she learns to use their voice as a weapon, but hers is more of a siren's song than a sonic screech. In my timeskip AU, they leave Pure Heart Valley to become a popstar, writing songs inspired by her childhood memories and their home. It's obscured by the flag but the marking on her chest is a bleeding heart, emphasizing her passionate drive.

(Rhapsody's kid and adult forms [kinda old])

+ OCs of mine I didn't feel like making alternate drawings for:

Buzz-Buzz (Zhe/Ze/Zhey), a demigender Sweetypie bumblebee bat who protects the bees of Pure Heart Valley! Despite zer small stature, zhe is actually an adult, just naturally small. Zhe also grows herbs on the side and volunteers at the Pure Heart Valley hospital. Primarily because zhe has a crush on the head doctor there... (I did not make zer to selfship with Cuddlestein. Nope. Not at all.)

My Badgermao "fankid", Sai (They/He/It)! I say "fankid" in air quotes because they're from an AU where Badgerclops' spare arm became corrupt and gained a conscience. Their robot arm is actually their body - the rest of their body is a projection of light, similar to the gems from Steven Universe! They have masculine programming (as their AI was made using Badgerclops's DNA a la Cortana from Halo), but identify as agender and use they/he/it pronouns. Originally they began as a blank slate with no personality aside from the programmed personality Badgerclops gave them, but they eventually grow their own personality and moral compass as they analyze the Sheriff's Department's work. Just like Badgerclops, they have a passion for building robots and weapons, and can even modify themselves to fit the situation! Most of their creations are usually for fun, though.

Anf the last one I have a reference for but not the least, Karma Vesper (She/They)! This one is actually my self-insert, lol. She is a biro-ace demigirl Javanese Cream-Point Cat! Her necklace was a gift from her family, and her hood was a gift from her mentor. After her village was ambushed by criminals, she became a wandering hero, and accidentally stumbled upon Pure Heart Valley while following a report of increased monster activity. At some point during her adventures alone she realized that she was biro-ace, since she felt no sexual attraction but still felt romantic attraction. Around the time she came to Pure Heart Valley she realized that she never really felt, like, 100% a GIRL girl (if that makes sense) and began identifying as a demigirl. (Yes this is my hidden self-actualization story :>) She enjoys researching gemstones and ancient artifacts, and the Ruby Pure Heart immediately caught her attention once she laid eyes on it. While she is still a wandering hero, she has a temporary residence in Pure Heart Valley, where she stays to research the Heart's powers as well as assist the townspeople. Her and the Sheriff's Department didn't start out on the best terms since Mao was worried she was trying to replace them, but they tolerate each other now.

+ the OCs I don't have references for:

I did have a reference for these guys but idk where it is rn ;-;. Anywway, my most recent OCs and also some of my favorite OCs are Bernard and Pierre, a black bear and polar bear respectively (both use He/Him)! They are both gay and in a healthy relationship & live in a cabin in the forest together. They are just. Two old gay granddads and I love them. Anyway! They both met after an accident which caused Bernard to blow out his left knee and Pierre to lose his left hand; they had been best friends since, and boyfriends later on! Bernard is a baker while Pierre is a wood carver, although they indulge in each other's interests as well. For the most part they just stay in their cabin in the forest, but they leave to buy groceries and sell their products.

And the final OC I'm gonna talk about is Storm Mao (They/Them)! They're from an AU where Mao was born in a litter of five, like his sisters. Ever since Storm were young, they felt like weren't "normal" compared to their siblings. They didn't feel like a girl or a boy. After Mao came out as a trans boy, they began questioning themselves further. Eventually they decided to ask Contacts Sister for help, as she was among the smartest of the Mao children. Contacts explained to Storm that there are people who don't identify as a boy or a girl, and Storm realized they weren't alone. Since then, they started identifying as nonbinary and began using they/them pronouns, and their family supported their decision. Aside from them and Mao, their litter siblings are also LGBTQ+ - Mamoru (He/Him) is AroAce, Bernadette (She/Her) is bi and Zhijun (He/Him) is gay. I'd talk about the AU more in a separate post, if anyone wants me too^ ^;;

If I remember any other LGBTQ+ OCs I have, I'll reblog with them ✌

[smallhatlogan]

Why Nonbinary Borderlands Fans are Mad About Zer0′s Pronouns, In a Timeline

2012

Zer0 was introduced in Borderlands 2 as a character meant to be absurdly mysterious in almost every way.  Zer0 is apparently not their real name, they seem not to be human (but it’s unclear if they’re an alien, robot, or something else entirely), no one knows where they came from, etc. Still, in Borderlands 2, they defaulted to he/him, and was assumed male.  It’s worth noting that Borderlands 2 also featured Bloodwing, Mordecai’s pet alien bird. In the original Borderlands Bloodwing was referred to as he/him, but switched between games to she/her. This is explained outside the game by Burch, who says that Bloodwing’s species changes gender halfway through life.

2013

Gearbox released the Diamond Plate Loot Chest. In it was the “Pandoran Gazette” an in-universe newspaper. It included an “Ask Doctor Tannis” advice column, the last question being:

Dear Doctor Tannis,

I have heard you are acquainted with the vault hunter known as "Zer0". I have been meaning to ask - that's not really his true name, is it? Hell, maybe Zer0 isn't even a "he". Do you have any details on this mysterious figure?

- Curious in Old Haven

Dear Curious,

I am indeed acquainted with the towering stack of leather and poorly-written poetry that so many refer to as "Zer0". As you have correctly noted, "Zer0" is not the Vault Hunter's true name. Zer0's actual name and gender are (CONTINUED ON PAGE 9)

Page 9 was not included. To my knowledge, this was where it was first seeded that Zer0 may not be male. 

November 2, 2014

 In a panel titled “Playing as a female character panel - Does it Matter” during PAX Australia, Gearbox CEO Randy Pitchford discussed Zer0’s gender:

“The other things that’s interesting to me is sometimes when there’s characters that don’t have a gender or have an ambiguous gender I’ll choose them...In Borderlands 2 we left Zer0’s identity very ambiguous. What gender is he?” *crowd laughs* “We need better pronouns, don’t we? Don’t we need better pronouns?” (Timestamp) 

“What’s the gender of Zer0?….That says more about me than it does say about Zer0, the fact that I use the pronoun he when I describe Zer0. In fact, um, we purposely have left Zer0’s gender ambiguous. There’s a lot of folks at Gearbox that like to think that maybe Zer0’s of a particular species that doesn’t have gender- That is more androgynous.”  (Timestamp) 

(Timeline continues under cut)

November 25th, 2014

The first episode of Tales From the Borderlands was released. Anthony Burch answered this question on his Ask.fm: 

To my memory, tumblr blew up with excited nonbinary fans. Prior to seeing screenshots of this, I really didn’t have interest in Borderlands. The idea of a cool nonbinary character who used they/them pronouns, admist a virtual desert of representation, made me play through the entire series as fast as I could so I could catch up in time to see these pronouns in action. For a long time afterwards I’ve seen other nonbinary people expressing the same sudden interest in the series after learning this about Zer0. Because, yeah, it was a pretty big deal. 

2015: 

Zer0 appeared again in episode 5 of Tales, released almost a year later after the first. Their voice had changed to one that sounds more ambiguous in terms of gender, but Zer0 was still being referred to as “he/him”. Anthony Burch was one of the writers on this episode. Afterward, he answered this on his ask.fm:

Since he claimed it was honestly a mistake, nonbinary fans held out hope. There were posts going around tumblr clarifying that yes, Zer0 was still nonbinary, and still was meant to use they/them pronouns. It was just a mistake made by a thoughtless cisgender man. Of course, then some presumably-cisgender fan goes to Burch, and validates him, because clearly a character can’t just up and CHANGE pronouns! It’s not like anyone ever does that in real life! 

It’s not a fair point. It’s a dumb point from someone who has no stakes in this.  (Another thing worth noting is it has only been other characters who referred to Zer0 as he/him. Zer0 has never made a point of standing up for their own pronouns.) After this Burch just kind of gives up on the whole idea. 

This statement about characters being “progressive enough not to misgender someone” is weird, because the characters, even the sympathetic ones, in Borderlands have often blatantly failed to be progressive. The original Borderlands has the worst of it, it’s your basic 2009 edgelord shit. There’s blatant misogyny, not to mention the extremely homophobic joke surrounding Mr. Shank (and within that the transphobic joke about his girlfriend being a man in a wig). Burch only started writing for the game in Borderlands 2, however. It’s a huge step up, but there’s still a lot of bigotry. Captain Scarlett makes a “no fatties” joke. Mr Torgue fat-shames Ellie. Mr Torgue uses the R-slur. Multiple characters slut-shame Moxxi. Incest jokes surrounding Scooter, who also is implied to be a huge creep towards women.  Heck, there’s the entirety of Sir Hammerlock’s Big Game Hunt DLC is a racist, colonialist mess. Its antagonist is implied to be gay, one of two gay male characters introduced thus far, and he’s a pathetic, creepy stalker.  This is the game series where there are two common enemy types whose names are straight up ableist.  So citing characters as being “too progressive” rings hollow with this context.  Besides, trans people are often misgendered, even by people who’d otherwise be considered progressive.  Burch left Gearbox the same year, so he’s not entirely to blame for what anything afterwards. He just set a pretty bad precedent.

2019:

Gearbox did seem to take the “make a new nonbinary character” thing to heart.  They give us Fl4k, again a nonhuman character, who uses they/them pronouns. And okay, I love Fl4k, but like most nonbinary people I’m tired of all nonbinary characters being robots, aliens, or otherwise non-human in appearance (a trope that yes, Zer0 falls into as well). Still, Fl4k is cute and having a nonbinary playable character who uses they/them pronouns is cool! I definitely plan to play as them. Many nonbinary fans were suspicious though, it seemed likely that Fl4k might be meant to appease us and they could keep on using he/him for Zer0. We were proven right when they released the gameplay preview on May 1st. We hear Zer0 called “he”. None of us are surprised, but it still hurts, we felt like we’d been baited with Zer0.  Besides, why can only one character at a time be nonbinary? Why can a bird change pronouns but not a person? Why was a writer allowed to go out and promise this if it wasn’t going to be followed through on (yes, he didn’t use the word “promise” but telling a marginalized group something like that isn’t something you can just “forget” without people feeling betrayed)?

And that’s where we’re at, as of me writing this. I feel like there are some comments I’m bound to get on this, so I’ll answer them here: Why are you making such a big deal about this?

Me typing a few paragraphs isn’t making a big deal. But I feel misled and baited. After a few years of no clarification after Burch promising us they/them Zer0, a lot of people hung on to hope. A lot of people became big fans of Zer0 because they’re a fun, badass, nonbinary character. Their design is really, really rad! And heck, they were (at least for a time) the most popular playable character in Borderlands 2. Telling everyone, in-game, “actually Zer0 was never really a he, they’ve been a ‘they’ this whole time” would have been HUGE. Like how Blizzard made Overwatch’s poster girl, Tracer, canonically a lesbian, and then revealed their badass gruff guy (who fills the roll of your basic FPS protagonist), Soldier 76, to be a gay man. They/them are still not widely accepted pronouns. For us who use them, it’s difficult to convince people not to default to something gendered. Especially when we fail to appear completely androgynous. I’ve been told Zer0 can’t possibly be nonbinary because they have a deep voice and “masculine” body shape. But real nonbinary people come in all shapes and sizes with all kinds of voices! 

What about Fl4k?

As I said, I’m very happy about Fl4k. They fall into some problematic tropes even more than Zer0 (as Fl4k is verified beyond a doubt to be a robot, and has an “acceptable” androgynous shape to them). I don’t know their voice yet, I wouldn’t be surprised if it also fell into the category of “acceptably androgynous”. Fl4k is new and already “they/them”. Zer0 is an established character who already has a lot of fans among a bunch of different groups of people. There’s definite value in demonstrating a character can switch pronouns, since pretty much every nonbinary person who uses they/them haven’t used those pronouns their entire life. Besides, there can and should be more than one nonbinary character.  Fl4k being nonbinary but not Zer0 kind of feels like Gearbox expects us to shut up and be happy with what we’re given.

What about nonbinary people who use he/him pronouns? Can’t Zer0 be that?

Those people are real and valid.  However, we’re talking about real people versus a fictional character. I admit I’d feel better if it was stated, in-game, “Yeah, Zer0 is nonbinary and uses he/him”. But even then, it’s REALLY EASY for cisgender people to ignore that information and write Zer0 off as male (And knowing gearbox, they’d put it somewhere easily missed. I’ve surprised so many straight people who’d played through Borderlands 2 with the fact that Sir Hammerlock is gay, simply because it was only verified in a side quest). And you know, we were promised they/them, so like, not doing that kind of sucks. Also I think it’s really important to normalize they/them.

So what are we supposed to do about this? What do you expect to change, anyways?

Honestly? I don’t expect Gearbox to fix this so late. In all likelihood, that’s way too much dialogue to re-record. But I still think it’s worth making our voices heard. We shouldn’t silently put up with this kind of thing. Other people will pull the same shit, being either unsympathetic or unaware of the harm they do. And heck, it’s unlikely, but maybe Gearbox will at least acknowledge their wrongdoing.

Also, it’s maybe worthwhile to ignore canon, and keep referring to Zer0 as “they/them”, or if this whole thing is news to you, it’s not too late to start. It would mean a lot to nonbinary fans, and make a point about how Zer0 is regarded.

[stopgenderingchildren]

I’m 16 and have known I didn’t fit the idea of “gender” very well for around a decade, but grew up in a left leaning college educated Mexican/ white household that didn’t really force gender roles on me, so I didn’t question it much until around four years ago.

I grew up a tomboy- at 13 I came out as ftm trans. Soon after, my best friend (who I’ll adore forever) came out as ftm trans as well, but didn’t approach it as I had- reading articles, listening to podcasts, scrolling through educational videos- he latched on instead to people like Kalvin Garrah and similar influencers who propose that “transtrenders” exist and steal “real” trans people’s supplies and that you need dysphoria to be trans, etc.

This was the first time I really became aware that there was something deeply flawed in my understanding of gender. I have dysphoria, but the more I thought about it the more I realized I don’t hate my body; I hate how people see my breasts and assign me “female.” I don’t hate dresses and how they look, I hate that it means automatically no one asks for my pronouns.

Tonight I was working on an oratory for debate that started with a central idea I wanted to expand: “We Don’t Need to Fit Your Stereotypes.” I felt that if male could look like dresses and cars and makeup and video games and childcare, if female could look like gardening and beards and owning a business and loving pink, then maybe there wouldn’t need to be transitioning. If we made breasts=anyone and penises=anyone then maybe I would wear a dress everyday and my friend would be able to shower with the lights on.

Basically, I was trying to say ask everyone, everyone, their pronouns, and allow people’s looks and hobbies to be defined by their interests rather than the roles forced on them at birth as a result of their genitals. This contradicted with my central idea, so new title: “We Don’t Need to Fit Stereotypes.” I’m no longer writing about trans versus cis norms, I’m trying to write about all people versus the (at best, limiting) rules of gender forced upon them.

After exploring that (and after realizing what I think I’ve always knows is true: I’m not a boy, but just someone severely disconnected from whatever a boy or girl is supposed to be and generally masculine by societal standards, making he/him the easiest explanation) I had to take a break, and somehow @stopgenderingchildren was the first post recommended for me. After scrolling through for awhile, I felt like I’d found a whole rabbit hole of some new level of gender I’ve only briefly considered before, of thoughts I’ve always struggled to put into words.

After this night, I still have questions though, and unfortunately the ask box just doesn’t have nearly enough characters. The main things I’m still struggling to understand is: what is womanhood? What is manhood? If no one were gendered and lived life by personalities, why would there ever be a need for those two at all, or masculinity or femininity? What stops life from just... going on if people dressed and acted and were interested in what they want to be? What is the point of this thing that causes people so much pain? Even in things like athletics, split up to “help,” there are still people with different amounts of hormones, different heights, people are just different. And it’s all so incredibly westernized. I’ve read Delusions of Gender by Cordelia Fine, and there was a striking story about a trans woman who found the more society expected her to not be able to do things like open a jar, the more she found herself unable to do those things.

I don’t know, this is a bit all over the place, but I really just need some direction. I’m trying really hard to understand this on my own, but after scrolling through your blog I’d really like to hear your thoughts. Thanks you so much ahead of time 🌹 ~~~~

Hi awesome person!! Unfortunately this blog is a tad bit dead, but I am still a real person who can write things, and I’m still passionate about gender and child development, so here I am, responding to you. Also I want to apologize because tumblr is broken and I have no idea how long ago this message was sent to me. For all I know, you could be old enough to drink by now. Oops. Thank you for sharing your journey with gender so far. You sound very thoughtful and systematic about these things, and I love it. First I want to say that I'm sorry your friend has such limited thoughts about the ways it's okay to be trans. That kind of exclusionist thinking doesn't actually help more supplies come around, or help binary trans people get acceptance. It just makes it harder for people to work together to change things. That said, I've known some young trans people who held these positions initially because it was part of the way they were proving their gender to themselves and the world. Once they got more secure in their understanding of themselves, they had more room for accepting other types of trans people. I hope that happens for your friend. I felt like I’d found a whole rabbit hole of some new level of gender I’ve only briefly considered before... Wow, awesome. I love that this blog did that for you. I wish I had more time to make it a consistently amazing place! what is womanhood? What is manhood? Each person gets to decide this for themselves. If you ask me, that’s what makes gender exciting!! Everyone is different. We need lots of different people in the world, lots of different genders, lots of different gender expressions, for the world to continue being as amazing as it is. The idea that there are only two types of gender expression, “manhood” and “womanhood,” is and always has been flawed. Humans have always been more diverse than that. We are just, now, in this supercool time when people are spending energy and vocabulary thinking about it in a more active way. If no one were gendered and lived life by personalities, why would there ever be a need for those two at all, or masculinity or femininity? It sure is an interesting concept, to think of life without gender. I don’t personally believe, however, that gender doesn’t exist. I just don’t believe we should be giving children recipes for gender and then expecting them to follow the recipes in order to be “proper” people. That is gendering which is something we do to other people. Gendering others is meddling at best and traumatic at worst, whether those others are children, teens like you, or adults. So, if the world lived according to my values, we would still have gender, but gender would be something that comes from within, not from without. Maybe we would still have two genders that are most common, maybe not. In a patriarchal society, gender definitions can serve an important and protective function, especially for women, trans, and genderqueer folks. As an example, I teach classes for parents about child development. As I am passionate about parents sharing the joys and challenges regardless of their gender, I welcome all parents to my classes. I stand by this decision, but I recently had a chance to observe a similar class that only allowed mothers (women) to attend. I noticed that the women felt more comfortable being vulnerable in this setting, and in particular they felt able to discuss things like how their bodies were changing and healing after giving birth. By excluding certain people based on gender, this instructor created a safe space that was different from my own classes, and probably better for at least some of those women. I imagine a similar effect would be seen in a class that only allowed fathers (men) or trans or genderqueer parents. What stops life from just... going on if people dressed and acted and were interested in what they want to be? What is the point of this thing that causes people so much pain? Even in things like athletics, split up to “help,” there are still people with different amounts of hormones, different heights, people are just different. And it’s all so incredibly westernized. I hear your frustration so much! Why can't we just let people be themselves! And, yes it's super westernized, and that is ridiculous too. But I think all we can do is speak up for ourselves and others when we feel able, and model behavior towards others that isn't gendering, for example using they/them pronouns for people who's gender we don't know, and not making a big deal of a boy wearing a dress. Or, of course, you could do more by choosing a profession where you are teaching children or adults about gender diversity, or working to pass laws that support name changes and freedom to transition. There are lots of ways we could make the world better! I’ve read Delusions of Gender by Cordelia Fine, and there was a striking story about a trans woman who found the more society expected her to not be able to do things like open a jar, the more she found herself unable to do those things. This book sounds awesome. I will check it out! And, yes, people are gendered in a very subconscious way because it starts at birth, before language and verbal (story) memory. There is lots of research showing that we treat babies different based on their assigned gender from the very first day they are born. Creepy... I don’t know, this is a bit all over the place, but I really just need some direction. I’m trying really hard to understand this on my own, but after scrolling through your blog I’d really like to hear your thoughts. Lastly, I just want to say that it sounds like you are on a great path to figuring things out for yourself. Just keep trying things on to see what fits, both metaphorically and literally, if you like :)

It's also okay to not know what labels are best for you, or for you to change your mind, or to sometimes give up on caring. Actually, there are labels for those states too! But not every trans person has dysphoria, or discovers a strong allegiance to a binary (or nonbinary) gender. As I say to the kids I work with, there are just so many ways for people to be, and that is the way it should be. 

[a879a4-blog]

psa re: kovir’s pronouns.

this is something i have already addressed before, but feel the need to address again. to be honest, i am feeling extremely hesitant to post this because i really don’t intend to call anybody out or make anyone feel bad, but... idk. it’s important stuff, it has been bothering me for a pretty long time, and i hope this will help people be more aware of it. if you feel this applies to you, please know that i am absolutely not mad at you, especially if you didn’t read the old psa / kovir’s dossier in the past few months. i am first and foremost disappointed in myself for lacking the assertivity to speak up about this when needed.

to get to the point... please, PLEASE be mindful of kovir’s pronouns and how you choose to address them. kovir’s pronouns are THEY / THEM and SHE / HER. i always use the former in english because that’s what i’m used to by now, and when i speak italian ( which doesn’t have any neutral pronouns ), i use the latter exclusively. if, for some reason, you don’t wish to use ‘they’, you have the option to use 'she’. it’s okay.

what i am not so okay with, though, is when kovir gets addressed with HE / HIM pronouns. now, it is true that when i started this blog + during the first few months i allowed people to use any pronoun they wanted — but things have changed since then... for reasons.

after i made the first psa about this topic, to let everyone know they should avoid using masculine pronouns altogether, things got better, and i was immensely glad about it... but as of recently, i noticed there have been a few misgendering cases again. i feel pretty stupid because back then, i did say i was gonna correct people from then on, but... i didn’t. just like before, i couldn’t gather the courage to say a thing. there is no other way to put it.

if you realize you have at some point called kovir a ‘he’, yes, i did notice. i refrained from saying anything because, as i implied earlier, the thought of making people upset by speaking up generally gives me huge anxiety and makes me feel horribly guilty ( some people might have already noticed this ). not to mention that, before i made that psa and edited kovir’s profile to remove he / him pronouns entirely, i never really said to not do that, besides trying to throw some hint here and there that kovir would rather be called a mom than a dad... so nobody could have possibly known that. there really isn’t anybody to blame but myself, because i wasn’t explicit enough on this matter, and i apologize for this.

i’m gonna make the rest of this short. they + she = A-OK, please do. he = don’t. other than that, please also keep in mind that kovir is nonbinary, and that no matter how much they will use feminine titles like ma’am, mother, sister or whatever — they are still not a woman, or female for that matter, so don’t refer to them as such. and even worse would be to call them a man, naturally.

[dluidisms]

Lu's Documentation - Feelings

I've always been a lot more straightforward compared to my sister. My sister has a habit of keeping their feelings to themselves, but I always end up saying what my sister feels. The both of us agree that they need to try saying their feelings out themselves more often. I will say I can tell what my sister is feeling, but they cannot do the same with me. Maybe it's because my sister is the primary presence in the headspace, and their conciousness is more prominent. I think I stated the same thing twice.

Still, I find it fascinating how different we are. My sister is an ISFP, and I am an ENFP. We are similar, but yet different in how we execute ourselves in the outside world. I hope I make sense. My sister's body is lacking sleep due to my sister taking the brunt of an allergic reaction neither of us knew they had. I did read that sometimes allergies can develop in adulthood so I suppose it tracks.

Anyway, I guess the both of us being so similar does lead to confusion as to who we are at the present moment. I think I mentioned that already. We can feel each other's strong feelings loud and clear, though. My sister felt my emotions when I was greeting them a sincere happy birthday the other day. I wanted to say everything I couldn't over the past couple of decades. I could also feel my sister's emotions when I was introducing myself to a dear friend of theirs for the first time.

They were very anxious, but when I looked for the information I needed in my sister's memories, I knew things would be fine. And they were! Having the feelings of two souls is a very strange, yet fascinating experience. Speaking of, I guess since I am on the topic of feelings I will mention this here.

My sister is nonbinary and mostly prefers neutral pronouns, but sometimes prefers feminine titles and uses feminine pronouns because they are in the closet. My sister is also dfab and has lived that way for most of their life.

So where does that leave me? My soul is masculine, and maybe also nonbinary. If the two of us are genderflux, then my sister is a fluid demigirl, and I, a fluid demiboy. I doubt that is how gender works, but work with me for just a second.

I know people who use she/her pronouns to refer to this body are referring to my sister. At first I thought the feeling of uncertainty and discomfort might be from my sister feeling dysphoric from being referred to as "she." However, the only thing my sister gets dysphoric from is when people try to pin down "girl" onto my sister when they are much more neutral than that.

I brought up the subject to my sister, making sure that they are okay with feminine pronouns and identity. They told me it was fine, because they prefer having a feminine appearance. I mean I feel the same way: my sister is pretty the way they are. But I think, after that talk, in my own heart and my own unique soul I am not feminine. I like things that would be considered feminine, yes. However, I am masculine. I like he/they pronouns and being referred to with masculine titles.

I think I'm a trans male.