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#yes their styles are vastly different. i dont care
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Every time I see a photo of Abed Nadir, I start desperately wanting to steal all of his outfits.
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You can't convince me he isn't the peak of fashion. I need every flannel Abed has ever worn btw
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the-bonfires-ember · 5 months
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ok so this has a lot of facets so bear with me. standard disclaimer that this is all based on my personal experiences as a narcissistic sociopath; im not a professional and i dont speak for everyone.
anyway.
firstly, yes we do. i think prosocials/egotypicals do it too to an extent but for different reasons and in different ways.
from an aspd perspective, i get annoyed at people and it is no longer to my benefit to stick around them, ill just disappear in a classic ghosting style. frankly i never get to this point anymore because ive managed to surround myself with people i very rarely if ever find annoying. in the past, when ive befriended people and then theyve frustrated me or ive just generally found them annoying for some reason, ive either slowly extricated myself if i could keep getting stuff out of the person or just totally destroyed the relationship so that they stopped reaching out and i could stop expending energy into dodging them. in my head if someone has pissed me off, it means that its going to keep happening and theyve just finally shown me their true colours so i might as well get out now or detach myself so im not going to emotionally invested enough to get annoyed again in the future. essentially this means i stop caring about them at all. as for how fear factors in; it goes a pretty long way back into people being fundamentally untrustworthy and only beneficial in as much as i can get from them. if im putting up with more than im getting out of it, id just walk away because everyone is out for themselves and of course that applies to me too. thats the way ive been taught the world works, and if im not getting any emotional backlash for doing that, why wouldnt i? it just makes sense. im fundamentally out for myself because no one else has been there to help when i needed them in the past.
from an npd perspective, if someones annoying me its likely because i am thinking of myself as being vastly superior to them and find the annoying quirks of them to be proof of their inferiority. the fact that theyve disagreed with me or fought me on something means they dont have the degree of respect and admiration for me that they should. this usually leads to me discarding them out of frustration and ill push them away by just showing less and less interest in them, or the ways i would that i mentioned above. the fear here, as you may be able to guess, is being wrong and being weaker/worse/unworthy. for me, being right and being more esteemed than my peers was a matter of survival in my childhood, and now if someone is starting to chip into the veneer or perfection ive built and maintained they have become a threat and i have to separate before they see too much and i lose everything.
now i dont know why you - orginal messager - asked this question, or why anyone else might be looking for this informatio. i can come up with a few guesses though, so im gonna add a couple things that applies to prosocials and other things that apply to antisocials and narcissists. but ill tuck that away so you can ignore my advice if you want to and just take the analysis.
prosocials - if you have a friend with either of these personality disorders and they are beginning to withdraw theres a choice before you. firstly, you can let them. you can recognise that this person doesnt want to associate with you anymore for whatever reason and allow yourself to be at peace with that. im sure it hurts, especially after what ive said about my reasons for doing this, but if you think you are better off just letting this one go, i support that and encourage you to just slip away with a clean break.
the other option you have, if you want to try your best to keep that person with you, is to address it plain as day. its uncomfortable, yes, but try not to be confrontational. a simple 'hey, ive noticed you distancing yourself and withdrawing and i wanted to check in and find out why and whether or not we can resolve this'. perhaps its cold of me to ask this of you, im not entirely certain one way or the other. but you deserve to try and make it work if thats what you want, and the only way that happens is by addressing the problems and really, truly understanding that the behaviours we exhibit come from a place of fear and the memory of pain. they are trauma disorders. and while trauma does not excuse harmful behaviours it does no one any favours to ignore that its the root of the problem. maybe your friend will brush you off, thats true. they might not be ready to look deeper and thats their right. at which point youve done all you can and now you need to prioritise yourself. but maybe youll make your friend reevaluate, maybe they want to heal. and you can be such a huge part of that by just asking the questions and really listening to the response. its hard work, i know, but i will always be so grateful for the people who made me stop and look at myself and really see.
the third choice is you pretend its not happening and just wait to see if they get past it and come back. they might, its not implausible, but to me this feels like inviting yourself to be treated poorly again later when symptoms flare again and those fears react to something you dont understand or know about.
pwASPD and/or NPD - im not going to try and tell you that you owe it to the people around you to recover. im never saying that. recovery is your decision and it should only be for you. i chose recovery because i wanted to see what i wasnt able to before, and it has been so fucking hard. but id do it again in a heartbeat. its important to note though that i got lucky. really really fucking lucky, and id be doing you a disservice if i pretended otherwise. on that note, here is my advice for those who want to get better and those who dont:
if you dont, if you dont want to see the fear that is reacting to the perceived threat, if its still too painful to look at, just dont. let yourself be blind to it and find comfort in the ways you can. its not cowardly, and its not pathetic. sometimes forcing yourself to stare into a fire is more damaging than its worth, and you are the only one who can decide if it is or not. only you know how close to that fire you are. perhaps its better to distance yourself from this person even if its just for now, or perhaps its better to leave entirely. it depends on how uncomfortable you feel. but i suggest figuring it out quickly and saving yourself the trouble that will come if you string someone along for too long. its always blown up in my face eventually, for what my experience is worth, so deciding on your next move sooner than later saves you a lot of trouble. but perhaps the perks are better than the blow up later on. who am i to say.
if you do want to recover though, firstly, give yourself some credit. the way you are reacting is because this has kept you alive and safe this long, dont let yourself forget that. you arent ridiculous or pathetic or cowardly or whatever else your brain might be saying you are. you are alive, and you are deciding to grow past your trauma and the responses youve learnt to cope with it and thats fucking huge. dont forget it. now the first thing you want to do is really look at what is making you uncomfortable. something is, but itll take some digging. these survival methods run deep, and tracing back to the root of the issue will take time and a lot of work and so much fucking courage. its not easy, im not going to lie, but you can do it. you are worth the time and the work it takes to get the things you want for yourself. find out whats messing with you and see how you can resolve it, either by discussing it with your friend and letting them support you or just rationalising it with yourself. understand that you are able to keep yourself safe, you just have to figure out what you are afraid of being vulnerable to. youre going to be ok, and for the record, im really proud of you.
obviously to everyone: do whatever the fuck you want to forever. im not here to tell you to change your entire life just because i say you should, even im not that egotistical. im just offering my experiences and observations, its up to you what you do with them.
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weheirsofdurin · 4 years
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Lets go for another fluff piece. (Pre-hobbit around the same time as the starter I did)
Five times Dwarvish Courting went over an elf’s head, one time it didn’t
Filirubbed at the smooth rock in his hand, the pad of his thumb catching on the only thing marking it’s surface. THe dwarven runes inlaid expertly caused his heart to pound heavily. Glancing down at the golden colored stone, the blue ruins a stark contrast.
His fond smile caught another’s attention and before he knew it, the elf named after the hero Glorfindel, stood before him. “What have you got there Master Dwarf?”
Looking up Fili hid the stone in his fist before wincing, it had been a startled reaction and nothing against his elven friend. “A gift.” He said simply then reaching out took Glorfindel’s hand and placed the stone within it. “There is lore that if you write on a stone and gift it to another, that it will come true.”
Turning on his heel the dwarf stormed off, back to his forge. Poor Glorfindel was left with the stone in his hand and dwarvish runes he did not understand glared up at him. “What was your wish, my little lion?” He wondered aloud in elvish before pocketing the stone.
Dwarves had such odd traditions at times.
.~:*:~.
Glorfindel entered the forge silently, as elves were known to do, and Fili never noticed the other man. Not at first. As he worked he hummed, mumbling words in a language Glorfindel had never thought to learn until now. He sang as he worked which the elf found endearing. When Fili turned and spotted him there was a hesitation in his movements and the song cut off.
“Lord elf, it is common courtesy to announce yourself upon entry to ones forge.” It was courtesy to announce oneself anywhere but Fili would not nit pick that for now.
“Ah, yes.” Glorfindel at least looked abashed at the slight chastisement. “You were singing so nicely though that I did not wish to interrupt.” This time it was Fili’s turn to turn a bright red on his nose and ears. “What iis it that you are making?”
“A gift.” Fili said and he set what looked to be the beginnings of a dagger onto a hot stone. His gloved hand held the prongs tight and his other hand reached for a hammer and he began to bang away. Immediately he began to sing again, the thrumm of the the song matching with the hammering and Fin found himself enthralled once again. This was how dwarves worked, how they kept pace, how their forges and weapons were so perfect. They sang to keep track and upon hitting certain points knew instinctively it was time to shift.
“Perhaps we can meet for dinner tomorrow eve, Lord Elf.” Fili spoke to Glorfindel as the metal blade was put back into the forge to heat back up.
Knowing a dismissal for what it was Glorfindel bowed. “Of course, Master Dwarf, I look forward to our meeting.”
WHen they did meet the following eve Fili and him only made it part way through their meal before a dwarf raced up to the blacksmith. “Fili, there’s a problem and we need you urgently.” Without hesitation Fili stood and there was an air of authority about him. Fin knew that Fili was in charge while the real leader was away so it made sense, but at the same time there was a regalness about this authority.
“Forgive me, Glorfindel, but I must go. I wished to properly give you this but please accept it even so,” REaching out Fili held a small dagger for Glorfindel, the leather that would wrap around his thigh looked old and worn, probably made from scraps previously. Accepting it he watched Fili run off and he pulled the blade from it’s sheathe. His breath caught.
This was a dwarven blade but its inlay was far more elven. The smooth curving lines which he realized were vines wrapped around the flat plane. Small thorns adorned it making the delicate lines sharp and threatening, the green pain practically glowed in the sun and along the hilt golden flowers were encrusted. Did Fili know of who he was to put this there? No he couldn’t. Fin had never told the dwarf who he was. Someone must have mentioned something though.
Wait- was this the blade Fili had been making yesterday?!
.~:*:~.
“Bugs?” Fili held a doubtful expression as he looked at his brother. He just could not believe it. Really. Elves thought bugs were appropriate for courting? That sounded too far-fetched.
“Aye, I heard it from Gimli who heard it from Gloin! Gloin said that he had met elves back in erebor and they were always giving each other bugs upon courting.” Kili insisted, his expression serious and Fili was struggling to figure out if he was being honest or playing him a fool. “Fine, dont believe me. It’s not like your stone gift or blade gift made him realize.”
“Ah- wait! Kili, come back. I just- I need to know more. Was it just worms or was it a specific bug or-?” Fili did not look forward to digging up worms to give to Glorfindel.
“I don’t know, but worms are abundant. Come on, I’ll help you collect them.”
Fili and Kili only returned a few hours later dirty and both looking smug, for vastly different reasons. Fili because he had just given his courting gift to Glorfindel, Kili because he made his idiot of a brother actually believe him about bugs.
Glorfindel, was just confused. With all these worms… did Fili wish to go fishing?
.~:*:~.
The bugs, Fili learned, turned out to be a lie. He had to explain to Glorfindel that Kili had insisted that elves liked bugs and that he should give some to the commander. Only to later learn from his mother that Kili had lied. Thankfully as soon as Glorfindel learned it was a prank on FIli by Kili, he understood and got a solid laugh out of it. The elf really had been utterly confused but it all made sense now.
Now, Glorfindel was searching for his friend in the hopes they might share a meal together and talk further. He had come to learn the dwarf knew very little of Glorfindel’s name other than there was a hero who had died that had the same name. The silly dwarf did not make the connection he <i>was</i> one and the same. Fin was Glorfindel, the bolrog slayer. An epiphat that he had never wished for but had taken it without remorse.
It had stung when Fili snorted at the story, how the Bolrog killed him by grabbing his hair and pulling him into the abyss. But at the same time he had understood, it was ironic - as the Dwarf had put it - that Glorfindel had fought in a war, had managed to defeat hundreds of enemies, even taken down a Bolrog, but the vanity all elves had which made them leave their hair fairly loose upon the battle field, was what had done him in.
Glorfindel had not thought of it before but it was true. Had he not let his hair be free it would not have been grabbed, he would have survived. Even now he never pulled it back truly, only was far mor conscious of it and the braids he used to keep the front out of his face. “Fili,” Glorfindel smiled at the dwarf and bowed in greeting.
“Fin.” His reply was terse but not uncaring. It seemed once again he was irritated by others looking to him without refused to what he was currently doing. Fili had once confided in Glorfindel that he didn’t even mind the stupid requests, it was when they were pressed upon him as he was doing something important that he minded.
“Would you like to come eat with me for the midday meal?” THe request barely left the elf’s lips, but FIli was already shoving all of his paperwork into Kili’s arms - the poor younger brother scowling - and making his way to Glorfindel’s side.
“Aye, Kili will be doing my duties for me while we go eat, part of his punishment for his cruel joke.”
“I said I was sorry,” Kili whined, but he knew his mother sided with Fili on this. Counting was not some trivial matter the be joked around with.
AFter the two had their meal, and Fili looking remorse knowing he had to go back, Glorfindel brought up what had been on his mind earlier. “Fili, I must go hunting soon, a pack of orcs were sighted nearby, by my scouts. We will be ridding the land of the pests and making sure none get close to the village.”
“Orca? Ye are sure they were sighted near?” When Glorfindel nodded Fili cursed. “I will gather a group of dwarves to hunt with ye-“
“No, Fili. This is how we elves shall repay you for the kindness you have allowed. Staying on your land may be mutually beneficial but few dwarves would offer this kindness up. I just request that you help me this even before I leave. It has come to my attention that my hair is a disadvantage in battle. WHile I am versed in putting it up for elven ceremonies, those styles are not fit for battle.”
Without thinking about it, Glorfindel reached out and touched a braid that surrounded Fili’s lips. “What are ye asking of me, Glorfindel? Do ye know?”
“I’m asking you to braid my hair, my friend. So that should an enemy grasp at it, I will not be felled again from some cliff.”
Fili looked infuriated as he tossed his mane of hair back, and tugged his braid free of the loose finger. “Fine.” His word was spat venomously and he stood, “I will be at your tent after the evening meal.”
Glorfindel did not know it, how could he when it was not part of his custom, but asking a dwarf to touch his hair was as intimate to the small men as sexual relations. His words stung and dishonored Fili. Calling him a <i>friend</i> as he touched a braid and asked for it in return, was saying he was no better than an easy fuck.
Fili was far too in love to say no though, so he took the insult and dishonor to his name. Showing up at the elf’s tent in a foul mood but still showing up because he did care. His fingers were rough but not unkind as he touched the long golden hair, he’d never seen hair this long as any dwarf with hair this length had long since put it up.Fili put in multiple braids, intertwining them at points to create a patter which would secure what was not put up before pulling all the hair together and tying it off with a leather strip.
What was left down was still one but would not flow far from his body and any grasp on it would be easy enough to remove. Glorfindel knew he could never recreate such an intricate style on his own, and was thankful for the dwarf’s help. But something about Fili looked <i>off</i> after and Glorfindel let the dwarf storm off without a word uttered.
There was no time to deal with this now and would have to wait until his return. PErhaps he had said something or asked something of Fili that was rude. But he had seen Fili braiding and pulling Kili’s hair back before, along with a female Dwarf’s. Thinking of this was just like riding in circles, getting him nowhere. Instead of worrying much further over it he heaved a sigh and left with his men.
“Lord Glorfindel…” One of his men rode closer and leaned over. “Did a dwarf do that for you?” He spoke lowly and GLorfindel narrowed his eyes, to speak so meant he knew something and hoped the others would not hear. So without a word Glorfindel nodded and noticed the grimace. “Was it a whore?”
Pulling on his reigns the horse reared before getting back under control and GLorfindel scowled. “You offer much dishonor to the one that did this for my by asking that.”
“Yes, but no more than you did by asking it of him.” THe elf had leaned away when the horse had reared and Glorfindel looked confused. “Dwarven culture states that hair is sacred in the sense of one another. Only family or one intimate may touch it. Even when they die none of their kind except their priests or family will bind their hair.”
Shocked by the revelation - now now understanding FIli’s fury - he reached back and touched the binding in his hair.
“Do not take it out.” The elf hissed quickly and urged his mount close once more. “You would dishonor him further. Think about it, if you had put flowers upon his head because he asked it of you, and then he removed it not long after…”
Glorfindel tore his hand away from the strap and nodded. Flowers were more sacred to his house than others so he understood deeply. Putting a crown of them upon FIli who thought of him differently, would be similar to what the dwarf had done for him. And if Fili returned later without the flowers he would be shamed like that of a petty bar whore.
“But I <i>do</i> think of him in such a way. I would be honored if he were to become my betrothed.”
The elf snorted and shook his head. “Would you sex a lady before offering to wed her?”
“I will fix this upon our return, thank you for bringing it to my attention.” Glorfindel urged his horse ahead and the elf fell behind, letting their leader think freely.
.~:*:~.
Glorfindel had not had the chance to meet with Fili since returning, but the looks dwarves gave him told him that the elf a fortnight ago was right. He had shamed FIli deeply. Finding the dwarf on the sparring field he made eye contact. Fili was about to start a bout and hesitated, only pausing long enough to remove his tunic much to the surprise of those around. Eyes fell upon Glorfindel once more and some sneered.
WAs this another dwarven culture problem? Did they remove tunics to spar? If so why had the other dwarf not? Why was it only FIli? Could this be because of his shame? As he watched FIli spar, noting every droplet of sweat that trailed down the dwarf’s frame, a woman came up to him.
Or he assumed it was as she- they, has chain jewelry going from their nose to multiple ear piercings. Their beard was kept short and the sideburns neat. Did that mean something? Considering how important hair was he thought so.
“Ye still wear his braids.” Her tone was not harsh, but curt. She was not pleased. “Ye should have removed them before returning. His shame would not be for all to see then.”
“You dishonor both him and I.” Glorfindel replied in a similar tone. He felt as if the repitition would never end. “I wear them still because I care. Do not mistake this as flagging him for something that was not intended. Elves are more lax about their hair than you dwarves and had I known, I would have started something with him first.”
She looked up at him in surprise. “Started something? Ye mean to ask my boy to be betrothed? AN elf and a dwarf, what insanity has this family been cursed with. Watch him carefully as he battles and congratulate him loudly, for all to hear. Win or lose, if ye do not, there will be no saving his honor.” The woman turned on her heel and left after that.
Glorfindel listened to her advice and when Fili bested his opponent he saw his untold queue, Blue dwarven eyes had flicked to him from where the owner stood, dripping sweat, in the middle of the field. “That was amazing FIli,” Glorfindel’s voice rang out and everyone looked at him once more. He might as well go all the way with this. “I’ve rarely seen such power as you displayed. A true master you must be. Come, let us eat and talk about what has been missed in my absence.”
Fili looked grateful and grabbed his tunic from the ground before going to catch up with the elf. Glorfindel supposed a proper talk could wait for tomorrow and for now a chat about what had happened in both of their absences was more paramount.
.~:*:~.
Fili sought out an elf after his meeting with Glorfindel and finally decided he needed to go to the source to do it right. His eyes had sought out a familiar face and upon finding it, he made his way to the tall elf that he figured was Glorfindel’s second in command. “Lord Elf,” He greeted and the elf bowed to him, knowing that FIli was in charge here and deserved respect for now.
“Master Dwarf.” The greeting returned could ahve been seen as rude but Fili was not so naive as to let the lack of names be anything more than simple unfamiliarity.
“I have a question for ye about yer customs, would you spare a few moments of time?”
“It seems to ahve taken you long enough to seek me out for this, a few moments will be of no concern.” When the elf stood up from the bow there was a cocky smirk upon his lips.
“I see one of ye are versed in my idiocy.”
Glorfindel sat in the open field, legs stretched before him but crossed at the ankles, just backing in the scent of flowers before him. Something light touched his head and was placed upon his brow. Carefully reaching up his fingers touched flowers and he blushed knowing it was a crown of them.
Looking over to the Dwarf he saw FIli smiling down at him and it dawned on him with this gift, what everything had been. “You have been courting me.” It was not voiced as a question and as such Fili did not reply. “Now you ask for my hand in marriage?”
“Aye, for it seems that my previous betrothal gifts while accepted were not understood.” Taking the crown from his head he looked it over, smiling at the arrangement before putting it back where it belong.
“Other gifts? More than just the hair?”
Fili looked surprised and blushed. “The hair was not a courting gift, it was cruel of me to accept and I did so in anger and hurt. I touched yer hair and put it on display for all to see that we were intimate but to ahve ye go out and about with it meant we were shameful.
“Nay, I meant the stone with Love inscribed, the hand crafted betrothal blade, ...the bugs Kili had told me were an elven courting gesture,” Glorfindel snorted at that, it made even more sense now why Kili was taking a harsh punishment for his actions, “and proving myself afore ye in the spar last eve. Had you not accepted that, there would be no hope now.”
“FIli, you should have just said something.”
“Tis not how courting goes.” The dwarf grumbled but stopped as Fin reached up to put a hand on his cheek and smile at him.
“Here, let me show you how we elves accept a crown of flowers.” Their lips met in their first, and not nearly last, kiss.
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