#yes there is a side character from Cherrys world named Riley

[thetheatermst]

Holy Shit, It’s My Immortal Pt. 1

Cherry had been on her feet all day.

Jack had called in sick, some kind of stomach bug that was going around Arcadia. She wasn’t entirely convinced it wasn’t another manmade virus set loose upon them all. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time it happened. Definitely wouldn’t be the last, knowing her town’s luck.

What that meant, however, was since there was no school to act as a buffer, Cherry had to pull a double shift at Charlie’s Pizzeria & Arcade. That meant twelve hours walking around the pizzeria being hounded by screaming children while wearing that stupid and heavy cat costume. She was fairly sure that wearing that costume for that many hours with only a handful of fifteen minute breaks between it all was unethical, but she needed the money too much to complain. Didn’t mean she liked the work. Besides, even if she did complain, the Diamantes essentially owned the whole city between the three of them, so what was the point?

Go to school and get grades decent enough that her parents had one less thing to scream at her about. Go to work and make a decent pay so she has money to buy her games, repair her skateboard, and so she has an excuse to stay away from home that her parents can’t ignore. Go to the skatepark to try and unwind before going home to study, and then do it all again in the morning.

Today was a special day, however. The one day of the week her usual schedule changed.

Instead of going home or going to the skatepark, Cherry had instead made a stop at Riley’s house for a quick shower and to change out of her pizzeria uniform into something more her. She’d stashed a new shirt in her bag, a basic black with some white accent. What she really liked about the shirt was the white block on the chest where FUCK was clearly displayed. She thought the mood it set was fitting for today’s events. Other than that, it was simple faded jeans and her new red checkered vans.

Riley’s grandma held her up for a few moments with the usual grandmother ramblings about how she looked too skinny and needed to eat more, and tried to sit her down to eat some stew she’d been making. Usually Cherry was one to accept, it took a lot of will power to say no this time, and she was proud of herself for it. She had places to be and couldn’t risk being late because she was stuffing her face on some delicious grandmotherly cooking.

But she left, thanked her buddy for letting her use the shower, and was off, skating down the streets towards the downtown area.

She and Luka had already made a cover story if her folks tried asking this time. As far as they were aware, she was hanging out with him and his sisters. One of the things she loved about her best bro, her parents were too terrified of his dad to bother her if she was with Luka or his family.

The perks of having villains for your friends, she supposed.

It didn’t take long for the old office building to come into view, and she slowed down, bringing her board to a stop in front of the glass doors. Her heart was pittering and pattering away in her chest that she had come to know as a mix of excitement and anxiety towards whatever monstrosity they would read today.

Grabbing the handle, she gave a slight tug to find no resistance. It was unlocked. Grinning, she closed her eyes and walked in.

When the door echoed shut behind her, she opened her eyes once more.

As always, she was left reeling at the interior.

The lobby of the theater was twice as big as what she was sure the old office actually was. Faded carpets, bright overhead lights, and a golden hue to it all. It was easy to be taken aback, it felt like some kind of upscale rich persons theater just from a look, and every time she came in, it looked better and bigger than before.

Cherry still remembered clearly the first time she entered the place. It was a small, dingy lobby with old brown carpets and grey walls, nothing of note beyond a small snack cart, and three doors. Two that led to bathrooms, and the third—dark, heavy, double doors—that led into the theater itself.

Now it was something grand and glitzy. It made her feel important and fancy. It even had a proper concession counter with a seemingly endless supply of drinks and foods. Cherry wasn’t positive where it came from and who was making the popcorn, but it was always fresh and delicious, so she wasn’t going to complain.

Hooking her skateboard to the back of her bag, she made her way to the concession table and got to work. Grabbing herself the largest bucket provided, she filled it up to the top with popcorn and grabbed herself a diet soda while she was at it. Only once she was all settled in with her snacks did she walk to the double doors, pausing only momentarily to hear chatter on the other side.

Asahi and Briar must have already been there.

Her smile grew.

Pushing the doors open with her shoulders, she slipped in.

The theater itself was dimmer than the lobby, though it didn’t take long to adjust to that lower lighting. It was large and spacious, several seats spaced perfectly in closeness and distance to offer optimal leg and arm room. The table, as always, was situated at the front, and the large screen was ready to go.

Though this would be the fourth week they had been here, none of them had found any cameras. Not that Cherry could say any of them had been really looking.

At the front in their usual seats were Briar and Asahi, chatting back and forth about something. As she got closer, it became apparent that they were talking about werewolves and the logistics behind being able to transform as they do. An interesting topic.

Briar, unsurprisingly, was the first to notice as he raised his head to give her a welcoming nod. Asahi turned around next and smiled. “About time you showed up,” he called as she settled into her seat beside him. “Was starting to think we’d be doing this without you today.”

“Oh, shush, I had to work,” Cherry replied, sticking her tongue out as she set her drink and snacks down before rummaging through her bag. “But, here, before we get started.” She held out the book he’d given her last week.

“Did you like it?” Asahi asked, taking it from her and slipping it into his bag.

Cherry shrugged. “I couldn’t read it for shit,” she admitted without shame. It was a possibility that this would happen, after all. They could only understand each other within the theater because of its magic. There was no reason that magic would extend outside the theater. “But I looked up the plot online an’ it seemed interestin’.”

“We’ll need to get you an English version,” Asahi said, nodding to himself as if it were a decided fact. “Murakami is an amazing writer, and I do think you’d enjoy The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.”

“I’m not too big on reading, but I can give it a chance,” she said, waving him off as she diverted her attention to Briar—sparing only a momentary glance to see that there were no breasts today. They really needed to get a more efficient way to figure out what to call him by each week than “Does Briar have boobs or not”, she thought. “How’ve you been? Slay any cool monsters this week?”

Briar gave her a gentle smile and shook his head, “No. It has been a week of travel for me, the only excitement coming from would-be robbers and highwaymen,” he said with that low voice of his and a easy shrug. “Unfortunately for you, my life doesn’t feature a monster a week.”

Asahi snorted from between them at the joke.

Still, the Huntsman rose from his seat and made his way to where the letters were on the table. “I suppose now that we are all here, it would be best to get this rolling. So let’s see what our ‘generous host’ has in store for us today.” As he said that, he picked the letter up and tore it open. The envelope was dropped to the table and the unfolded parchment read.

 Welcome back, my friends.

 From beside her, Asahi scoffed. “Friends my ass. We’re employees at best,” he retorted. Briar’s lips quirked into a smile and Cherry snickered.

 As this is our fourth story, I thought we might do something special to commemorate the time and effort you’ve put in to reading and commenting these stories. I know it has not always been a fun experience, but it is a worthwhile one. That is why, for this weeks story we are going to look at the story that everyone would know, and everyone loves. Today I offer you My Immortal.

My Immortal is a story written by XXXbloodyrists66XXX, AKA “Tara Gilesbie” in 2006, and it is perhaps the most notorious work of fanfiction to date, one that I dare say anyone who knows of fanfiction knows of, or at least has heard of. When someone thinks of a trollfic, this is the story that will likely come to mind.

Set in the Harry Potter universe, the story is as far from Harry Potter as possible and instead follows a cast who have been turned into caricatures of the 2000s goth subculture. The main character, Ebony, a seventeen-year-old ‘goth’ girl slash vampire slash witch who does nothing of value but is propped up as something amazing. She is by far the character that started the trend of Trollfics and is what people think of when they think of a Mary Sue.

While there is a constant debate over not only who the author is, as there have been a few who have claimed to have been Tara Gilesbie and much of the authorship is speculation. To this day she is effectively a ghost. More than that, there is, even now, much debate over if this story is, indeed, a trollfic, or a genuine attempt at fanfiction.

It is not my place to say if it is or isn’t. But I do hope that you three enjoy this one.

Briar placed the letter down and returned his attention to the two still seated. It was taking all of Cherry’s willpower to stay still as realization that they were actually reading the trollfic. She hadn’t expected they’d read this one. Not this soon, at least. Maybe in the future as some sort of season finale sort of deal. But here they were. Four stories in and already they were hitting the big leagues.

This day was shaping up to be something good.

Even as the lights grew dark and the screen grew bright, the excitement coursing through her just would not leave.

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2!

Asahi rolled his eyes as he settled deeper into his seat. “Casual homophobia aside, if I remember right—or I don’t know if I’m even remembering or if this is the weird omniscient trivia bullshit of the theater—but Raven had her own fics on the site around the same time as when Gilesbie was posting this, yeah?” he asked, glancing to Briar and Cherry.

“Yeah,” Cherry nodded, adjusting her jumbo bucket on her lap. “It was just as ‘goffik’ as Tara’s writin’, but at least the spellin’ an’ grammar was better. But I wonder how long Raven will last. Beta readers an’ editors don’t last long in this kinda work.”

MCR ROX!

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“Debatable,” Cherry said, and frowned, “But the MCR obsession is actually pretty on par for 2006 mall goths. They were fuckin’ obsessed with the band. Like, sure, some of their music was fine an’ all, but they weren’t that amazing. I’m pretty sure that most of their fame came from being the goth icon of the time more than their quality of music.”

Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!).

Asahi snorted a little and had to wipe the dribble of soda from his lip, while also using his sleeve to hide his smile. “Now that is an iconic and memed opening,” he said with a chuckle. “But man, that is one hell of a way to start a story, I’m kind of impressed. It’s definitely the sort of opener that you won’t forget.”

“Talk about a fuckin’ mouthful of a name, though,” Cherry laughed, doubling over and nearly spilling her popcorn. “An’ the apostrophe in ‘Darkness’, like are ya supposed to pronounce it differently? Is it said Dark Ness instead’a Darkness? Oh, man, I will not be able to take that seriously.”

Briar hummed, tapping a finger on the armrest of his seat. “Pale with long, dark hair and blue eyes… she actually does bear some resemblance to Amy Lee. Fair, I suppose, considering Amy Less is another ‘goth icon’ of the 2000s, and that the story’s title is based off of a Evanescence song.”

I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie.

Smile falling, Asahi made a face of disgust. “That’s some weird incestuous implications you’re making,” he pointed out. “I swear to God, if you have a brother-fucking kink, I’m out of here.”

I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white.

“Vampires are often depicted with straight and white teeth. It goes along with the ‘ethereal beauty’ of their kind to make them more efficient hunters,” Briar pointed out, arching a brow at that line. “Unless you mean to say you have no fangs, which in turn would make you an ineffective vampire, akin to a declawed cat being an ineffective hunter.”

I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen).

Asahi frowned, “Hogwarts is in Scotland.”

“Why do people keep thinking Hogwarts is in England?” Cherry demanded, glaring at the screen, “Is it cause Harry is British that they think, oh, ‘I just guess that Hogwarts is just across the street, no way it’s in a different country!’?”

I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell)

“You’re a goth?” Asahi asked with wide eyes and mouth agape, his voice rising several pitches to accentuate his mockery. “Oh, I would have had no idea you were a mall goth had you not told me, it’s just impossible to tell.”

Briar raised a hand like a student in class, “She keeps saying goth, but you’ve both referred to her as ‘mall goths’,” he began when Cherry and Asahi diverted their attention to him. “What is the difference between the two?”

Cherry cackled a little, twisting in her seat so she could face Briar directly. “Well, I ain’t an expert, but in my experience, mall goths are basically the ‘posers’ of the goths. They’re the ones who think they’re goth cause they act edgy an’ buy their wardrobe from Hot Topic, an because they got a shrine to MCR.”

“That’s not entirely fair, though,” Asahi cut in, turning to look at Briar. “Goth is, in and of itself, a music-based subculture. So why wouldn’t ‘mall goths’ take inspiration from bands like My Chemical Romance and Evanescence when the music genre is where the aesthetic comes from?” he asked, moving to wedge his soda between his knees so he could move his hands as he spoke. “Goth is an aesthetic subculture based around gothic rock music. The issue with Way is that her concept of goth means you are obsessed with My Chemical Romance, you are a satanist—and while some goths do identify as pagan or satanist, that is not a prerequisite of the style—and that you must be depressed, suicidal, or practice some form of self-harm. Gilesbie pushes the belief that those aspects are the core of what being a goth is, when that is far from true. And it’s not just an issue with her, it was a common misconception ‘mall goths’ fostered during the era this was written. While those traits can be aspects of goth culture, that does not mean that it is what the aesthetic is.”

“Fair, fair,” Cherry conceded, holding her hands up in surrender, and just as quick she flicked her wrists to point at him, “But let’s not forget how Tara keeps mistakin’ emo an’ goth as being one an’ the same. They aren’t. Sure, there’s the occasional overlap, but they’re two different subcultures of the goth an’ punk music genres. Hell, a lot of the clothing styles and traits she talks about in this fic fall more in the emo aesthetic than the goth aesthetic!”

Briar frowned, looking at the two, taking a few moments to try and process and understand all that had just been dumped on him. “You two… know an awfully lot about this subject and it’s role in the story,” he said, his eyes narrowing in suspicion.

Face flushing and ears burning, Asahi ducked his head and rubbed the back of his neck. “Well… I may have read a Japanese translation of the story a few years ago. So I’m not quite going into this blind like I have the others.”

Cherry laughed, awkward and sharp, as she began brushing her fingers through one of her pigtails. “Same. There were a lot of dramatic readin’s an’ commentaries about this story a while back… an I may have read an’ listened to them a few times,” she confessed, and laughed again. “But, yeah, Ebony is more mall goth with a bit of emo mixed in than she is goth-goth. Which is valid. Hot Topic’s become more an anime merch store than anything, but if that’s your style then power to ya.”

and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.

Asahi hummed, shaking his head, “She does a lot of descriptions like this, and she does wear a lot of black. Kind of funny, though,” he said, pausing as he skimmed over the text again. “She frequently talks about how much she hates pink because it’s a ‘preppy’ color, but she also frequently wears pink.”

“She’s a fuckin’ hypocrite is what she is,” Cherry explained and shrugged, tossing some popcorn into her mouth. “The outfit info dump gets old fast, an’ a lot of the wardrobes are typical 2000s mall goth stuff. It’s just a list of shit their wearin’ like they’re Hot Topic mannequins.”

“That sounds exhausting,” Briar murmured.

I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about.

“You’re a vampire,” the Huntsman emphasized, waving his hand in the air as if to underline the word. “Why wouldn’t you be delighted to go outside and not worry about sunlight?”

A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

Asahi groaned, running a hand down his face. “I forgot that Gilesbie—and Way by extension—are feral on the ‘goths vs. preps’ stuff,” he muttered, and then turned to look to Briar. “You remember from the first story how Harry Potter is supposed to be the usual ‘good vs. evil’ schtick? This story essentially ‘goths vs. preps’.”

“With the occasional ‘poser’ bashing from both sides,” Cherry added cheerily. “Cause neither group likes a poser.”

Briar stared at the both of them, unable to understand.

“Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!

He looked from the two younger companions to the screen, his brows pressed together. “Draco Malfoy… the school bully throughout the entire series, the all around unpleasant Slytherin student constantly being a classist, racist jerk to others… that’s this Draco?”

Asahi nodded, “Except instead of being an asshole, or the lovable, comedic StarKid Musical version, we get… this,” he said, gesturing to the screen. “A moody, sensitive, sweet little goth boy who is depressed and suicidal. Because, why not?”

“What’s up Draco?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly.

Briar, who had been taking a sip of his water, jolted in his seat in a way that he might as well have been given a gut punch as he spluttered. “I’m sorry?” he asked, as if he had misread the text. “Shyly? Draco. Malfoy. Shy? What?”

“I told you,” Asahi said with a shrug, leaning back and stealing a few pieces of popcorn from Cherry. All’s fair when she always did it to him. “He’s just a shy little goth boy. Not a royal asshole and bastard.”

“Come on, Briar,” Cherry chided with a disappointed look on her face, “You’ve read three of these stories so far, are ya really all that shocked that they’d bastardize the character in such a way?”

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

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Briar sighed, shaking his head. Even with all they had read before this, something about this story kept his reeling. “So, in summary of this one chapter; all Ebony has done is describe her looks, flip off some random people, and ask a boy what was up,” he recited, and sighed. “Are all chapters going to be like this?”

Asahi shrugged, “More or less.”

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!

Cherry laughed, “Good? No. Not at all,” she said with a grin. “Was it hilarious? Yes. Abso-fuckin’-lutely.”

“You can take comfort in this; most of the chapters are fairly short,” Asahi said, reaching out to pat a hand on Briar’s shoulder. “It’s easy to digest, and the spelling and grammar is pretty good when compared Swansin and Brightmoon’s stories. This one is actually enjoyable in the insanity of it all.”

Briar groaned, sinking deeper on himself. “If you compare it to those two, then the bar is in the Nine Hells with how low you’ve set it,” he muttered, shaking his head. “You’re only saying it’s enjoyable because the both of you have read this before. You know what to expect.”

“Doesn’t mean we won’t still flip out.”

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

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“It’s a shame it got taken off Fanfiction.net, cause I’d love to see what sort of reviews people were leavin’ this fic,” Cherry confessed with a languid shrug. “This fic attracted loads of attention, granted mostly negative cause people are mean, but the first chapter was pretty inoffensive compared to the bullshit comin’.”

Asahi nodded in agreement. “Plus, this took place when the ‘gothic self-insert’ was pretty common in fanfiction, so you wouldn’t think people would be losing their minds over a story like that like they probably would now.”

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had.

“But where did she get the bottle of blood from?” Cherry asked, leaning forward and resting her chin on her folded hands. “Cause like, she’s a vampire, so I can understand just havin’ blood bottles or packets on hand. Better than bitin’ random students. But where did she get the blood?”

Briar grimaced and shook his head, “I don’t think we want to know.”

My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends.

“Black ebony as opposed to… all the other colors of ebony,” Asahi said, making a face and shaking his head and picking up his notebook, making two tally marks on the blank page. “But that’s the second ‘pink’ she possesses. I’m making this into a tally for when she starts screaming about how awful a color pink is.”

Cherry hummed, “Honestly? I’m kinda diggin’ the aesthetic,” she said with a grin when the boys looked at her. “What? That is so the coffin I’d wanna be buried in when I die. Just add a skateboard engravin’ on the top an it’d be all set.”

I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

“Again, with the MCR obsession,” Asahi said, rolling his eyes. “But… I’ll admit that’s not a terrible look.”

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)

“Oh, no,” Briar said in a monotone voice. “Another friend-insert. Wonder how long she will last, or will she suffer the same fate as the past ones.”

Cherry hummed, finger on her chin, and then shook her head, “I honestly don’t really remember what happens with her.”

woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

“See,” Asahi said, gesturing to the screen. “Mall goth.”

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!” she said excitedly.

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

Briar frowned and raised a brow. “Yes, so?” he asked, trying to make sense of the excitement Willow had. “It was a two second conversation consisting solely of just saying hello while passing by each other. There really isn’t anything to get worked up over.”

“Do you like Draco?” she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.

“Press X to doubt,” Cherry cackled, swatting Asahi’s hand away from her popcorn. Oh how the roles have reversed.

“Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

“Hi.” he said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

“She is so not into him, that’s why she’s flirting,” Asahi said, rolling his eyes as he spoke. “But talk about whiplash. One second yelling how she’s not into him, but as soon as he shows up she’s all over him. Is that normal for teen girls?”

“No,” Cherry answered. “It ain’t.”

“Guess what.” he said.

“You’re… transferring schools,” Briar guessed.

“His dad finally got arrested like the bastard deserves,” Cherry joined in, pointing a finger at the screen.

“You’re getting expelled for being an asshole,” Asahi offered.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade.” he told me.

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

“Obviously it has to be second to My Chemical Romance, nothing is allowed to dethrone them in your heart,” Asahi muttered, but he had a little grin on his face and a soft chuckle to his voice. Just as quick it was gone and replaced by a critical look on his face. “This is seventh year, that’s around ‘95 or ‘96. I can get over American bands hanging out in Scotland, but Good Charlotte didn’t start touring for another four or five years.”

“Also, isn’t the Hogsmeade a wizarding-only village?” Briar asked, tilting his head at the thought. “A Muggle band performing there at all is strange. Unless she’s trying to imply that Good Charlotte is actually a wizard band.”  

Cherry nodded and crossed her arms over her chest. “But here we see where she blurs the lines between what’s Goth, because GC ain’t goth by any means. They’re like a punk pop kind of emo. Same as MCR was at the time, now that I think of it,” She said and shrugged. “Like I said before, she doesn’t know the difference between goth an’ emo.”

“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.

I gasped.

“Because that is absolutely a gasp worthy moment,” Asahi rolled his eyes.

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don’t own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.

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Asahi cringed and slumped in his seat. “The quality difference between the author notes and the story itself are jarring. At least we know Raven is doing a good job of editing the story,” he murmured.

“I still wanna see those old reviews,” Cherry said.

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front.

“All this corset stuff?” Briar asked, trying to just imagine that and falling up short.

Cherry made a face and shook her head. “Ripped fishnet leggin’s don’t even look that great in my opinion. It’s just.. meh.”

I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists.

“And this is something I really hate about this story. The glorification of self-harm,” Asahi growled, gesturing to the screen. “Hurting yourself is a serious thing, but this story acts like it’s normal and acceptable behavior, that it’s expected of you if you’re goth. It’s… it’s digusting!”

Cherry nodded, “Plus, not sure why you’d be depressed when you’re headin’ out to see one of your fav bands with a boy you like. That sounds like somethin’ you’d be happy for.”

I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway.

Briar frowned, cocked his head to the side, and tried to make sense of that. “But you very clearly said you were wearing white foundation earlier. Now you wont because you’re ‘already pale’?”

I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

“So, let’s play a game.” Cherry said, clapping her hands together. “Is she drinkin’ blood cause she A; needs to compensate for the lost blood after cutting herself. B; needs a pre-concert snack. Or C; this is just normal concert prep.”

Asahi rolled his eyes but grinned a little. “C. This is obviously what she does every time she goes out.”

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car.

“Oh, yes, his flying car,” Asahi muttered and gave a little scoff. “Wizards and tech don’t mesh. Wizards are painfully out of touch with the average Muggle life and world. It makes Way’s obsession with Hot Topic and Muggle music weird if she wasn’t from a Muggle family but I digress. There are flying cars so it’s not completely asinine, but it’s a one-of-a-kind item enchanted by the Weasley father. Because he is fascinated with technology. Him even enchanting the car was illegal because enchanting Muggle technology is illegal.”

Cherry shrugged and slumped back in her seat. “Since when has legality ever mattered to the Malfoys?” she asked and waved a hand in the air. “But yeah, for as ‘above it all’ as they are, an’ for how much they look down on the Weasley’s for their interest in the Muggle world, Lucius would beat Draco’s ass if he even so much as implied he wanted a flyin’ car. So yeah, this makes no fuckin’ sense.”

He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

“Again!” Asahi yelled, gesturing wildly at the screen. “A; an American Muggle band, so why the hell are they at Hogsmeade? B; they aren’t a goth band. Like Good Charlotte, they’re pop punk, they’re emo. And C; Simple Plan wasn’t a thing in ’96!”

Cherry sighed, sinking deeper into her seat, shaking her head in disappointment. “For someone who claims to be a goth, she really focuses on 2000s emo bands, an’ not the actual gothic rock bands that started the aesthetic. Most of them were still active when Harry Potter took place. Most of them are even from the UK!” she complained. “Would it kill her to namedrop The Cure, or Bauhaus? Or even Siouxsie and the Banshees? Those are the gothic rock bands that a fuckin’ ‘hardcore goth’ like Ebony woulda been gushin’ over!”

“I suppose it’s because she, for as much of a goth as she claims to be, doesn’t know of any bands outside of her echo chamber and ‘mall goth’ genre, as you two kept referring to her as,” Briar suggested.

“Hi Draco!” I said in a depressed voice.

“Nothing conveys depression quite like the exclamation point,” Asahi mocked.

“Hi Ebony.” he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert.

“Again,” he continued, pinching the bridge of his nose and trying his best to not start seething. “The idea that Draco would own and operate a flying car is not only illegal, but a huge social taboo for him. He’d get disowned and humiliate his family, he’d never drive!”

On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.

Cherry made a loud ‘boo’ as she kicked her feet up. “Just say you’re smokin’ weed, ya prude!”

Briar actually chuckled a little at that, ducking his head to hide the amused smile as he shook his head. “She has no qualms talking about and glorify cutting herself, but saying she smokes marijuana is a line she will not cross.”

When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

“You come in cold, you're covered in blood

They're all so happy you've arrived

The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom

She sets you free into this life.” sang Joel (I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song).

“I think it’s pretty obvious you don’t own the rights to a Good Charlotte song,” Asahi scoffed, rolling his eyes, and for a moment he tried to end it there, but the need to complain was too strong, so he kept going. ‘The song is “The Chronicles of Life and Death’, and wow, I can’t even say ‘The Chroncles’ without getting Swansin flashbacks,” he said, shuddering at the memory before dragging himself back on topic. “The song came out in 2004. 2004. Need I remind you the story takes place in 1995?”

“At this point, I’m convinced the bands are all secret time travelers,” Cherry shrugged, “it’s a stupid fuckin’ excuse, but it’s the most logical story-wise.”

“Joel is so fucking hot.” I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.

“I understand that they’re teenagers, but getting upset because someone you like has a crush on a celebrity is just silly,” Briar pointed out, and crossed his arms over his chest. “Finding someone’s voice attractive is normal. Having a crush on a bard is normal if the bard is any decent at playing.”

Cherry shrugged, “It’s like if I was datin’ someone, and while we were watchin’ TV I said that I thought Gal Gadot was crazy beautiful, an’ they got all sad and jelly. Like dude, it’s a celebrity crush, it doesn’t mean anything!”

“Really?” asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Joel and he’s going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

Immediately, Cherry shuddered and gagged. “Fuck, I forgot about that weird bit,” she muttered, shaking her head. “It was weird enough when they were datin’ back in 04 cause she was like sixteen and he was almost thirty. But like Asahi keeps complaining, this takes place in 96 or something. Homegirl would have been nine. Fuckin’ nine!”

Briar took a deep breath and dug his nails into his seat. “That makes it worse,” he muttered, before placing his head in his hands, weaving fingers through loose strands of hair. “This is so much worse.”

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees.

“Because concert tees is very gothic,” Asahi said, rolling his eyes before slow clapping, “But yeah, nothing cooler than underage drinking at a concert. So doesn’t make you look like an idiot.”

Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn’t go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into……………………… the Forbidden Forest!

Briar placed his hands together and slowly pointed to the screen while keeping his hands together. “I do respect the dramatic use of ellipses. I can just hear the exaggerated dramatic pause in my head,” he said slowly, but there was the unsaid ‘but’ left in the air. “I do have to wonder why they crawled into the car that Draco very much should not have.”

“It’s cause they got so drunk they forgot how to walk,” Cherry said and shrugged. “They made stupid choices, drank too much, an’ now they’re makin’ even stupider choices going into the Forbidden Forest of all places.”

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony’s name is ENOBY nut mary su OK!

“You heard it straight from the horses mouth,” Asahi announced, clapping his hands together, chuckling softly at the humor of it all. “Her name is now Enoby Dark’Ness blah-blah-blah Way.”

DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

Cherry threw a handful of popcorn at the screen. “Boo!” she yelled. “That’s a fuckin’ weak justification. I’d believe it, maybe, in an enemies to lovers fic where ya show Draco being his usual superiority complex asshole self. But all ya show us is a whiny wimp because he’s a simp!”

“Do they ever show how they knew each other before?” Asahi asked, paused, then shrugged, “I don’t actually remember, but I doubt it. It’s just a pitiful excuse to justify mischaracterization.

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“DRACO!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”

Briar nodded in approval, “He’s taking you into the Forbidden Forest in the middle of the night. It’s smart to be demanding answers for why he’s doing that. For all you know, he’s brought you out here to kill you.”

Draco didn’t answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

“At least they didn’t crawl this time,” Cherry chuckled.

“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily.

“Ebony?” he asked.

“What?” I snapped.

“I’m trying to figure out if she’s mad because Malfoy brought her to this secluded forest in the hopes of having sex, or if it’s because he brought her to the Forbidden Forest,” Asahi mused, tapping a finger to his chin as he spoke. “If you remember, this forest is off-limits because there is a myriad of dangerous creatures that would have no qualms tearing her and Draco apart limb by limb and feasting on their innards. But at the same time, I don’t think Way has any sense of self-preservation.”

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.

“Cause it’s so hard to stay mad in the face of so much depression and evil,” Cherry remarked, tossing some popcorn into her mouth and then jerking forward as a kernel got stuck in her throat. It took a few moments of coughing before it got dislodged. “Whoah. Almost died. That woulda been a sad way to go. Died choking on popcorn reading My Immortal.”

And then…………… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately.

“So much passion,” Briar monotoned, crossing his legs and leaving his hands on his lap. “Just too much passion to handle, it’s extremely erotic.”

“So erotic it’d put Fifty Shades of Grey to shame,” Cherry agreed.

Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree.

“That just doesn’t make any sense,” Asahi complained with a shake of his head, waving at the screen. “Never mind the weirdness that is ‘making out keenly’, he climbed on top of her and then made out with her against a tree? So he climbed on top of her, then immediately got off of her so they could make out against a tree?”

Cherry shrugged, “Be nice, she’s never written smut before.”

He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra.

Briar started to speak but stopped, bringing a hand to his mouth as he thought it over. “I’m… trying to figure out the logistics of her outfit. I would have thought because she was wearing a corset, or ‘corset stuff’ that she wouldn’t need to wear a bra.”

“Twenty bucks says that she doesn’t know how corsets work and thinks you still wear bras with them,” Cherry laughed.

Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm.

Asahi rolled his eyes, “She wrote a sex scene with as much feeling as an IKEA instruction manual,” he complained, shaking his head and slouching in his seat. “Even in the books I’ve read that just glossed over a sex scene with a few sentences manage to make it more erotic than this.”

Cherry snickered, covering her hand over her mouth, “Oh? Do you read porn?” she teased.

Face flushing, Asahi reached over to swat her, “I don’t,” he spluttered, face darkening even more as she continued to laugh. “Some of the literature I read have brief scenes. Nothing graphic! A few sentences so readers get the idea and then it moves on!”

 And then….

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”

It was…………………………………………………….Dumbledore!

Briar broke into light laughter. “You… you can’t be serious,” he said staring up at the screen in disbelief, though he was grinning. “Now that is a line that I would be genuinely shocked if it didn’t gain any sort of… what’d you call it? Memes? Memes. Just, it’s so ridiculous.”

“Oh, it is iconic,” Cherry agreed, grinning widely.

Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr!

“If nothing else, you have to respect the sheer amount of confidence Gilesbie has to believe the only reason she’s receiving negative feedback is because the ‘non-gothic crowd’ are reading and being haters because she’s goth,” Asahi said with a soft chuckle.

Cherry threw another handful of popcorn at the screen, “How dare you! Are you tryin’ to say I’m a prep? Bitch I am a skater girl, show some fuckin’ respect!” she shouted, but the smile on her face showed she took no offense.

Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx!

“Ah, the ‘he did it because of a headache’ excuse, a classic,” Briar said, before shaking his head, his disappointment evident and immeasurable. “Your excuse is as flaccid as Draco’s cock after Dumbledore showed up.”

PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!

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“And we will never know if she actually got those five good reviews, but she certainly did update,” Asahi mused, and sagged. “She kept updating.”

Cherry frowned and drew her knees close to her chest. “I still wanna see the OG reviews,” she complained, “I hope the ones who left those good reviews did it cause they wanted to see how much further she’d keep this trash fire of a fic going. I’d have revied nicely just out of morbid curiosity.”

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

“You ludacris fools!” he shouted.

“Hopefully he allowed you two to dress yourselves first,” Briar mused, then thought it over and shrugged, “Though the walk of shame back to Hogwarts might be a fitting punishment.”

“But he’s not wrong, they sure as hell are fools,” Cherry pointed out.

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face.

“Fuck,” Asahi groaned, closing his eyes and giving a low exhale. “I forgot that ‘crying tears of blood’ was a thing in this story. And it happens so freaking much that it’s annoying. Not even a vampire thing, either.”

“It’s just a weird power goths apparently have,” Cherry frowned. “Tara thinks goths can cry blood. Which just… is very detrimental to one’s health.”

Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

“They don’t even know what happened and they’re already angry,” Briar hummed, shifting in his seat and tilting his head. “Maybe they all have headaches like Dumbledore.”

“They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!” he yelled in a furious voice.

Asahi leaned close to Cherry, eyes staying on the screen, “You know how she said he’s mad because he had a headache? I think Gilesbie lied,” he said is a faux whisper, like it was some kind of horrible scandal. “I think he’s really mad because they were in the Forbidden Forest like a bunch of idiots.”

“The forest is off-limits for a reason. The two are technically adults by wizarding law so two consenting seventeen-year-olds scampering off to have some adult fun times isn’t too much of an issue,” Cherry agreed with a nod. “Them going into the Forbidden Forest despite being forbidden Yeah, no, people gonna be pissed.”

“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Professor McGonagall.

Briar nodded, “You know what? I like this lady,” he said approvingly.

“How dare you?” demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HER!”

“I call bullshit,” Asahi yelled.

“Oh, it’s definitely bullshit,” Cherry agreed once again. “It was less about love an’ more about being horny idiots.”

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. “Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms.”

Cherry burst out into laughter. “Yes, because fuckin’ Snape is the one who’d be ‘okay, you can go, it’s fine’ and send them off without even a slap on the wrist. Snape! Not the stern an’ fair McGonagall, or the eccentric old fuck Dumbledore who forgives and forgets too easily,” she said, curling in on herself as she laughed.

“If this happened in canon, it’d be an actual miracle if Snape didn’t severely punish both and then deduct a good number of points from House Slytherin,” Asahi said with a disbelieving shake of his head.

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

“Are you okay, Ebony?” Draco asked me gently.

“Yeah I guess.” I lied.

“I don’t understand why home girl is so upset. If I got caught doing what she did, and got off scot-free, I’d be buzzing with joy an’ excitement,” Cherry said shaking her head. “Or maybe the problem is that she didn’t get off.”

“Gross,” Asahi said, pushing her away from himself.

I went to the girl’s dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels.

“But… why?” Briar asked. “You have a school uniform you wear, and assuming you aren’t going to class, you’d be slipping into something to sleep in. A floor length lace dress and heels is not sleepwear.”

When I came out….

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom,

“Completely ignoring the fact that Hogwarts dorm enchantments prevents boys from entering the girls dorms,” Asahi frowned. “Because it’d be inconvenient for the story. Though it is strange that no one minds Draco hanging out outside the girls’ bathroom.”

“It ain’t the girls bathroom, though. It’s Enoby’s bathroom.” Cherry corrected. “Cause they treat this like college dorms where only two people sleep in a room, but extra fancy because she has her own personal bathroom connected to it.”

and he started to sing ‘I just wanna live’ by Good Charlotte.

Asahi clapped his hands together, “And how to tell your audience you don’t actually know anything about the song beyond it’s name, without actually telling your audience that,” he announced before shaking his head. “That song is about dealing with fame. Not exactly a goth song.”

“I stand by my statement before. She needs to implement real gothic music. I wanna hear her talk about The Cure! Hell, I’ll take Nightwish, it’s metal instead of rock, but it’s still goth!”

I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there.

“So, you do know he’s not supposed to be there!” Asahi yelled. “What is with you and refusing to follow the rules?”

We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

“Don’t want to risk Dumbledore bursting in and ruining the mood, again,” Briar chuckled.

Chapter 6.

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

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“I still don’t know if she’s getting’ any good reviews, but I sure hope she was getting’ some praise for McGonagall and Dumbledore, just for the hilarity they provided,” Cherry said, kicking her feet lightly at the ground. “I swear to fuck, though, if someone is able to find all the original reviews, I’mma be readin’ each one!”

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.

Briar made a face, “You just… spray painted…” he struggled. “Is that...?”

“It’s not normal,” Asahi said before Briar could finish, crossing his arms over his chest. “There’s some spray cans for temporary hair colors, for like holidays or sports events. But spray painting your hair is not the same, and it’s really bad for your hair. Once the paint dries her hair will be solid and inflexible.”

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood.

“Because Count Chocula is so gothic,” Asahi said, before grimacing and shaking his head, “But eating it with blood just sounds disgusting. And where are you even getting all this blood from? How is this okay?”

Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

“Bastard!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it.

“Because being a goth boy immediately makes it okay that he made you spill blood on yourself,” Asahi huffed before taking a sip of his soda. “It’s like if I dropped and broke something but decided not to yell at the one who caused me to drop it because she had a pretty face. It’s stupid.”

He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick.

“That you were going down his face?” Briar asked, quirking a brow. “I mean, that seems awfully forward of you for a boy you only just met. But hey, you’ve already shown to be impulsive towards anything you think is gothic.”

He didn’t have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco’s and there was no scar on his forhead anymore.

Cherry shook her head, “Yep. It’s Harry. Titular character Harry. Who is now a goth boy. Dude ditched his glasses for colored contacts and somehow got rid of a scar, cause you can just will those away,” she snarked, raising a hand to the screen before dropping it back down onto her lap. “Like everyone else in this trainwreck fic, he’s ditched his entire personality, too.”

He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent.

“He’s seventeen,” Asahi pointed out, unimpressed. “I highly doubt his stubble is manly. It’s more likely to be patchy and embarrassing. But also, may I remind you that most of the students are English. Having a ‘sexy English accent’ is the norm.”

He looked exactly like Joel Madden.

Briar shook his head, “You could have said that at the start and have saved us all this infodump of information,” he chided. “At least Joel and Harry would be around the same age, or should be around the same age if it were not for her bullshit timeline.”

He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko.

“It’s fine, Ebony,” Cherry assured her with a grin as she rested her head on her folded hands. “Girls can get boners, too. Nothin’ to be ashamed of.”

“I’m so sorry.” he said in a shy voice.

“Because Harry is shy,” Briar said and shook his head. “What is it about her that makes all the boys shy around her? She’s not all that attractive if her descriptions are anything to go by, and her personality is as foul as a cesspit. You would think the boys would want nothing to do with her.”

“It’s the power of a Mary Sue,” Asahi explained, crossing his arms over his chest. “You would think that no one would have wanted to be around Swansin, what with her abusive and murderous tendencies, but she was loved by all. Brightmoon was just inept, and yet people fawned over her. Way is no different.”

“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.

“My name’s Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days.” he grumbled.

“Why?” I exclaimed.

“Because I love the taste of human blood.” he giggled.

“Well, I am a vampire.” I confessed.

“Really?” he whimpered.

“Yeah.” I roared.

Cherry sighed, leaning forward, “I really wanna pick apart each line cause, what the fuck, but also… what the fuck?” she said, and reached up to tug lightly on a pigtail. “Tara just really does not like to use ‘said’ here. An’ it’s…well… ya see the results.”

“This is why any writing advice that tells you to use ‘said’ as little as possible annoys me. The emotional range of this exchange is all over the place,” Asahi complained, glaring at the screen. “He’s grumbling, and giggling, and whimpering, all in a span of a few sentences. While Way is just screaming and roaring like she’s angry.”

“I think it should also be mentioned that Ebony has been going to school with Harry for seven years now, and yet she doesn’t know him,” Briar pointed out, gesturing to the screen with a ‘does that even make sense?’ expression. “Considering what we know of Ebony so far, Harry and Draco’s history, and that Harry has somehow been nicknamed ‘Vampire’ by the student body for his proclivity for human blood… unless you have quite literally been living underneath a rock for these last seven years, it’s impossible for her to have not known of him.”

Cherry shrugged, “I think it’s more a point towards how self-absorbed Ebony is, ya know? He’s not in her immediate circle so he does not exist for as far as she cared.”

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.

“You know, maybe instead of being horny idiots, you should actually go to class,” Asahi suggested with a lazy drawl. “You might learn something important.”

“I still can’t get over that she only now met Harry, who’s a blood-drinkin’ goth,” Cherry muttered, shaking her head as she spoke. “An’ he somehow lost his scar. How does that even happen?”

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life

Asahi shook his head, “For the record, I want it to be known that I hate when authors do this,” he grumbled, gesturing to the screen. “Either name all your chapters, or leave them numbered. Don’t just name a few and call it good. It looks stupid that way!”

“If I remember right, the chapter title doesn’t even have anythin’ to do with the chapter itself,” Cherry mused.

“That makes it worse!”

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons!

“Look, I’m sure you don’t mean anything bad by it, but you need to understand that the Gods already have a lot on their plate. They already gave you five reviews. Asking for fifteen is really pushing your luck,” Briar warned.

STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn’t a Marie Sue ok she isn’t perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!

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“You’re right. Evony is a computer game,” Cherry replied cheekily, earning snickers from her companions.

Shaking his head and smiling from the joke, Asahi diverted his attention back to the screen and let his expression cool back into something more critical. “I am sure we don’t have to say it, but Way is such a Mary Sue. Even to this day she’s used as the prime example of what one is like,” he said, raising a hand to gesticulate as he spoke. “It’s not because she’s ‘pretty’, or because she’s an author-insert. It’s because her very presence warps reality and canon. Despite this taking place in Harry Potter and not an AU, the plot isn’t the fight between good and evil, of the impending destruction Voldemort plans. It’s goths against preps. It’s because every character falls to Way’s feet, and that none of her supposed ‘flaws’ hamper her in any way like a flaw should. You say her being depressed is her flaw, but the only time we see her ‘depressed’ is in caricatures of what depression is like. You say being a Satanist is her flaw, but how is ones religious beliefs a flaw?”

Asahi folded his hands together to prop his chin atop his interlocked fingers. “In a world of fully fleshed out and rounded characters, Way is the center of it all, and for no believable reason. That is why she is a Mary Sue.”

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?).

“Having black nail polish with Satanic sigils on them does not make or break your status as a Mary Sue,” Briar pointed out, paused, and then gave a little nod. “It does say that whoever did your nails has an impressive talent for it if they were able to paint Satanic signs on each nail.”

I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco.

“And that, my friends, ain’t a typo,” Cherry announced with a giddy cackle. “Vampire is jealous of homegirl. Not Draco. Cause being goth and a guy automatically makes ya bi in this story. Which I dunno, is that a stereotype? Whatever. Basically the three just need to get their shit together and be poly like the cool kids.”

Asahi nodded in agreement. “Polygamy would solve the problem with so many love triangles.”

Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…………

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically.

“Getting some mixed signals here,” Asahi said, shaking his head at the ridiculousness of it all. “They’re so passive and uninterested while they’re kissing, but they’re just excited to do the deed when it comes to stripping each other.”

“They’re just having a really boring conversation bout’ the croissants while feeling each other up,” Cherry explained.

He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

“Yes, actually,” Briar nodded, watching dispassionately. “As mentioned the first time in the Forbidden Forest, your sex scenes are written more like a step-by-step instruction manual than anything passionate. It comes off as incredibly dull."

Asahi nodded and cocked his head to the side. “The implications that she has a dick—excuse me, a ‘boy’s thing’—is rather interesting, though,” he mused. “That, combined with the erection comment earlier… would it be too soon to start to headcanon her as trans?”

“Oh Draco, Draco!” I screamed while getting an orgasm

“So hot. So raunchy,” Cherry drawled with a wry smile and a shake of her head.

when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco’s arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words………… Vampire!

“I really think you should start going to class, because you clearly can’t count,” Asahi pointed out, nodding to the screen. “Vampire is one word. Not multiple.”

I was so angry.

“You bastard!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

“But why is she so angry? Vampire doesn’t automatically mean it’s referring to Harry. She’s a vampire, and vampires are a common figure in the goth subculture that it could mean anything. It could be referring to her, for all she knows,” Briar pointed out. “She only just met Vampire that day, there’s no reason for her to assume that he and Draco were ever a thing.”

“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have AIDs anyway!”

Asahi gave a low whistle. “And there is the homophobia we’ve come to expect in these sorts of stories,” he said, shaking his head. “But of course she’s got to go with the biggest stereotype of all, that being gay means you get AIDs. Just… it’s hard to believe that people actually like her in this story when Way is such a bigot.”

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care.

“Not that any of us want to know how big his dick is, but you’d think that woulda been better mentioned during the IKEA sex scene,” Cherry said with a laugh.

I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire’s classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

“VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” I yelled.

Asahi started laughing, curling up on himself slightly as he shook his head, trying to hide the grin as he read that line over again. “I guess Way caught Dumbledore’s headache. Must be a bug or something going around,” he snickered.

Chapter 8.

AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a prep!

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Cherry gestured furiously at herself, at her skateboard, at her hair, even at her vans, all the while glaring at the screen. “Skater. Girl.”

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

Asahi snickered, shaking his head. “Reminder; Malfoy is stark naked, probably still half-hard, and just barged into a classroom full of students and Snape,” he said, and took in a deep breath as he closed his eyes. “He is not getting out of here unscathed. He will be lucky if it’s only his reputation, as damaged as it already is by Way, that gets ruined.”

“Ebony, it’s not what you think!” Draco screamed sadly.

My friend B’loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly.

“Looks like Ebony ain’t the only one with weird apostrophe’s in her name,” Cherry noted before going into muttering under her breath different ways to pronounce ‘B’loody’.

Asahi, however, frowned. “Raven, you’re slipping up now. Unless you wanted Smith to be mocking Way, which I’m sure is what we want, the word you’re looking for is ‘understandably' or ‘understandingly’.”

She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on.

“The black hair, red eyed trope is growing old, fast,” Briar muttered.

Cherry smiled sympathetically at him, “Oh, it never dies out. It’s an iconic look, but man is it overused. Especially for edge lords.”

She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on.

“Whatever happened to being pale that you don’t need to wear white foundation, huh?” Asahi challenged, not that he’d get any response.

Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed.

Briar took in a deep breath, placing a fist over his mouth as he digested this strain of bullshit. It took a few moments of mental debating and sorting before he closed his eyes and accepted this fate. “…It’s better than her dating Voldemort,” he decided.

It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger.

“Why would ya change her last name from something unique an’ fun to one of the most common an’ borin’ last names out there?” Cherry demanded. “Ya coulda at least changed her name to something cool and ‘gothic’ like… like Nightingale or somethin’!”

(Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor.)

Asahi shook his head, “I get that Slytherin has a bad rep, rightfully so, for being assholes and racists. Sure, they have some good alumni, like Merlin, but it’s most well known for churning out villains and assholes, like Voldemort and his followers. But there’s no association with Slytherin being Satanic, nor are students resorted into a different house because their beliefs changed.”

“Plus, havin’ only one magical parent wouldn’t make any more popular in Slytherin than if she stayed a muggle-born,” Cherry added. “Like Asahi said, Slytherin’s got a rep for being racist assholes to folks with muggle blood.”

“What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!” Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

“That’s a good insult,” Cherry said approvingly.

“Vampire, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Draco!” I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped.

There was a moment of silence, enough so that if there were crickets about they’d be heard chirping as the three took in the line.

Cherry broke it by breaking down into laughter. “Girl, how self-absorbed are ya?” she asked, wiping tears away. “You’re not even datin’ Vampire, how the fuck can he cheat on ya if you’re not datin?”

“Never mind the fact that you only just met today. Barely even enough time to call him a friend, let alone a boyfriend,” Asahi added with a grin.

I don’t know why Ebony was so mad at me.

“And the random perspective switch,” Briar shook his head and frowned. “It would be nice if there was some notice. A line break or a new chapter. But no, we just get thrown right into it.”

I had went out with Vampire (I’m bi and so is Ebony)

“And yet she has no problem being homophobic,” Asahi rolled his eyes. “This is less about them being bi and more that Gilesbie is the sort of homophobic weirdo who fetishizes bi men because she thinks guy-on-guy action is hot, but harbors bigotry towards real life gay and bi men. Like guys who watch lesbian porn but think lesbians are gross if he can’t watch them bang,”

“I don’t think we actually see her so much as flirt with other girls in this story,” Cherry added after a moment of thinking. “So, really, her status as ‘bi’ is just for show because it’s trendy.”0912

for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)

“Sadly, it’s a thing of the past and we won’t get our Goth/Prep Romeo and Juliet love story,” Cherry lamented.

“Aside from his parents being murdered and the drama from the books, do we ever find out what these supposedly ‘horrible problems’ he went through were that made him a mall goth?” Briar asked.

“But I’m not going out with Draco anymore!” said Vampire.

“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!” I screamed.

“Back to Way’s perspective,” Asahi remarked and then shook his head. “Not only is she a Mary Sue, but she is a prime example of toxicity. Heaven forbid her partner to have had relationships before her.”

I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.

“Where she lost her virility,” Cherry snickered and elbowed Asahi. “Your transgirl theory is makin’ more sense by the chapter!”

Chapter 9.

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox!

“Now I don’t think you need to have intimate knowledge about the source material to write fanfiction, but I do believe you need to have a strong understanding of the characters your writing,” Asahi said with a frown.

dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers!

“I only ever read the first book, the my knowledge comes from movies only, an’ even I know that’s a shit explanation,” Cherry chided. “The only really out of character moment Dumbledore had was the meme-worthy moment where he aggressively demanded to know if Harry put his name in the goblet. Even then, that moment alone wouldn’t explain why Dumbledore’s like that.”

“He is the epitome of serene most of the time, even in the movies,” Briar agreed.

besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE!

“Because a headache explains everything,” Asahi rolled his eyes.

and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXX

“Snape is an overall unpleasant guy who seems to not like his students in general, but his attitude towards Potter is because he went to school with his parents. Potter’s dad, who he looks just like, was a huge bully to him, so of course the guy is gonna resent him for that. It’s human nature. Plus, he had a borderline obsessive crush on Potter’s mom,” Asahi explained narrowing his eyes at the screen for its weak explanation. “Snape may protect Potter from time to time, but it’s because of his love for the kids mom. Snape never liked Potter, and he doesn’t need crap excuses to justify it now.”

I was so mad and sad. I couldn’t believe Draco for cheating on me.

“Repeat after me,” Briar said, folding his hands together. “A past relationship from a time before you and him were dating is not cheating.”

“Girl is so insecure she can’t stand the thought that Draco might have liked someone before her,” Cherry said with a pitying shake of her head. “It’s sad, really.”

I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn’t have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn’t gothic. It was…… Voldemort!

“A few things to point out,” Asahi said, because of course there were. “Voldemort isn’t really human anymore, and something really interesting is that he doesn’t need a broom. He can sort of just fly without one because he’s that much more powerful than the others. But also; why isn’t he gothic in this? How do Potter and Granger fit more as being mall goths for her than Voldemort?”

“It’s because he’s not pretty enough,” Cherry answered.

“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted “Imperius!” and I couldn’t run away.

“You know, I’m impressed she remembered this one,” Briar mused. “And she used it right. Sure, she’s a little off, it’s imperio, not imperius, but it’s impressive all the same.”

“Crookshanks!” I shouted at him.

“And I take that back,” Briar frowned, shaking his head. “Crookshanks is a cat. Crucio is the curse. That kind of mistake is not quite as forgivable as Imperius.”

“She shouldn’t even be able to cast a spell!” Cherry complained. “She’s under the Imperius Curse! That’s bullshit!”

“That’s called Mary Sue powers,” Asahi said.

Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I’m a sadist so I stopped.

“Not much of a sadist then. But I think feeling bad for hurting the Dark Lord is a lot more problematic than being aroused by torturing others,” Briar said with a frown.

“Ebony.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Vampire Potter!”

The three groaned.

“No! Not Ye Olde English, not again!” Asahi complained, slumping in his seat and holding his head between his hands. “Didn’t we suffer through that enough with Cullen?”

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden.

“Interesting that you have some conflicting feelings about murder, not because it’s a morally wrong crime, but because he reminds you of your celebrity crush,” Briar mused, watching with mild interest. “That’s rather… shallow, of you.”

“Everything about Way is as shallow as a puddle,” Asahi said.

I remembered that Draco had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?

The three groaned. The level of stupidity this character showed was astronomical. Maybe the two were dating before she and Draco got together? Gee, you think? It was ridiculous that she was only now figuring that out. But, as they had mentioned already, Ebony was such a self-absorbed character that it was little wonder it would take her so long to figure it out.

“No, Voldemort!” I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun.

Asahi started laughing. It started off as a sharp wheeze like a dying cat before breaking into chuckles. “Holy. Shit,” he breathed, shaking his head. “I… I can’t even. The sheer ridiculousness of Voldemort, a powerful wizard, giving a teenage girl a gun… it’s…holy shit,” he said, giggling and folding in on himself to try and control it.

It was infectious. Even Briar started chuckling as Cherry snickered, patting Asahi on the back. “If havin’ a flyin’ car is bad, how bad’s Mr. I Hate Muggles givin’ her a gun?”

“Really, really stupid!” Asahi laughed.

“No! Please!” I begged.

“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!”

Briar, still chuckling, shook his head. “How necessary even is this? If Voldemort can’t do this himself, which he’s failed in his last attempts, why would he enlist some random, mentally unstable, and unwilling girl instead of one of his Death Eaters? It just seems like a plan doomed to fail.”

“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face.

Asahi had only just begun to recover from his laughing fit, but one look at that line sent him spiraling into a whole new one.

“I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly.

“I don’t think ya know what telekinesis is, my dude,” Cherry said as she rubbed Asahi’s back. “Being able to move shit around with your mind doesn’t have anything to do with knowing her secrets. So ya might wanna direct that ‘dude-you’re-so-retarded’ look at a mirror.”

“And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!” he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

“Draco!” I said. “Hi!”

“Hah,” Asahi said, letting out one final wheeze before shaking his head. “Talk about whiplash.”

“Eh, it’s the norm now,” Cherry shrugged.

“Hi.” he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

“Yes, I ‘geddit’,” Briar said, his face scrunched up into something bitter over having to say that. “But you need five people if you want a pentagram. So maybe learn your shapes and numbers.”

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“No.” he answered.

Asahi nodded, “I’d hope he wasn’t feeling okay after being accused of cheating because your girlfriend met your ex,” he said and glared at the screen. “Malfoy deserves better than her.”

“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.” I expelled.

Cherry gestured to the screen. “That is not an okay apology. That puts the blame on Draco. ‘I’m sorry I got mad, but I only did it cause I thought you were cheatin’’ is not okay.  Holy shit, if anyone’s partner does shit like that, they need to get dumped ASAP. A good partner woulda apologized for getting mad, and also apologize for assumin’ shit after refusin’ to listen to them explain.”

“Way continues to be a toxic romantic partner,” Asahi said, shaking his head in disappointment.

“That’s okay.” he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.

Briar nodded, “That is kind of impressive, actually. Being able to walk while making out. Good synchronization and spatial awareness even when not watching where they’re going.”

Chapter 10.

AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off!

“And she continues to be homophobic, despite having multiple bi characters and past Drarry,” Asahi said, slow clapping, but there was a slight smile on his face. “The needlessly offensive attitude is actually kind of funny.”

“Well, in any case, I’m sure I’m not the only ‘gay fag’ who thinks this story is pretty great despite everything,” Briar said.

Asahi turned to her and gave him a quizzical gaze. “Oh, you’re gay?”

The Huntsman waved him off, “I think it’s more of a… pansexual? I’m not fully sure on all the terminology. But I like people regardless of what they do or don’t have, and with myself fluctuating between the sexes, it isn’t necessarily correct to say ‘straight’ or ‘gay’.”

“Sounds complicated,” Cherry hummed.

“Identities are always complicated.”

ps it turnz out b’loody mary isn’t a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!

XXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Asahi turned his attention to the story and rolled his eyes, “You can’t switch houses after being sorted, that’s not a thing that happens,” he bit back, and then shook his head. “And Granger was never a Muggle. She was Muggle-Born. Because her parents were Muggles. Right now only one parent is a wizard, that makes her a half-blood. Like majority of the wizarding world.”

I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666.

“Because you’d only ever rehearse if you were upset,” Briar hummed, “Got it.”

Cherry, however, was cringing. “Holy cow. That is an awful name,” she said, shaking her head. “But it really, really is accurate for the absolute cringe of the 2000s edgelords and mall goths.”

I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR.

“Because of course she is, and of course they do. I’m starting to see more and more similarities between this and Swansin,” Asahi said, rolling his eyes before looking to Cherry. “Care to do the honors?”

Cherry grinned, eyes sparkling with glee. “Why, thank ya,” she said, nodding to him and turning to the screen. “Like with every other band with the exception of Evanescence; Slipknot ain’t goth! They’re a metal band. Completely different musical genre than what the goth aesthetic is from.”

Briar snorted, “Do the 2000s goths—mall goths, sorry—always act like emo, metal, and goth are all the same genre?”

“I was a baby in 2006, I dunno for sure… but the scar they’ve left on the internet implies that yes, they do.”

The other people in the band are B’loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Hargrid.

“Okay. So many things to point out,” Asahi said with a light laugh. “She’s only just met Potter, so how is he in the band? Does that imply that the band is brand spanking new, or that he is fresh meat that’s recently joined the band?” he asked, looking between his companions but no response came. “The second; I know she means to call Weasley ‘Diablo’, but the fact that she instead named him after a circus prop is hilarious.”

Cherry shook her head, “I get the others in the band, but why’s Hagrid in the band? I know he’s the coolest dude on the block, but doesn’t make sense for him to join a student band.”

Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren’t coming and we wrote songs instead.

“I get the feeling that happens a lot,” Briar hummed, then stopped to think about it. “Actually, going off of Asahi’s point earlier… when did this band get formed? Draco and Ebony only recently started hanging out. Like Asahi mentioned, she only met Vampire recently, too. It also seems impossible for her to know Ron and Hermione—”

“B’loody Mary an’ Diabolo,” Cherry corrected.

Briar nodded. “B’loody Mary and Diabolo,” he repeated, “without knowing of Vampire.”

Asahi shook his head and patted the Huntsman on the arm, “That’s the thing with these stories. As soon as you try to make sense of it, everything crumbles. Obviously Gilesbie forgot literally everything she’s already established for the sake of putting Way in a ‘gothic’ band.”

“A gothic band that takes zero inspiration from gothic music and all the inspiration from alt rock and nu metal!” Cherry added with indignation.

I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn’t die because he was a vampire

Asahi rolled his eyes, “Glad to know you’re such a loving and caring girlfriend that your boyfriend cutting himself is such an inconsequential thing to you,” he groused, and then his scowl depend, “And when was it established that he was a vampire? Never. She’s still throwing in random things while ignoring what’s already been established!”

too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that) or a steak)

“She wore crosses already, that’s already a thing that happened in this story and nothing happened to her while wearing them,” Briar pointed out before sighing. “Would it kill her to keep track of what she’s done and hasn’t?”

and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride.

Cherry let out an offended gasp, “That movie is so not depressing! Except for the end, I did shed a few tears over Emily’s fate. But it’s not depressing, it’s a fun, macabre movie with catchy music!”

“I’m more interested in how he’s watching it when technology doesn’t work in the caste due to Hogwarts magical interference,” Asahi said as he nodded to the screen. “He shouldn’t be able to watch anything.”

I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I’m a slut but I’m really not.

“I don’t really believe you, but okay,” Cherry said.

We were singing a cover of ‘Helena’ and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

“I thought today they were writing music, not stealing music from other bands,” Briar said. “Can’t even keep track of what you’ve done a few lines back.”

“Ebony! Are you OK?” B’loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.

“What the fuck do you think?” I asked angrily.

“I don’t know, crying seems to be pretty normal for you,” Asahi pointed out with a lazy roll of the wrist. “Can’t blame her for wanting to know if you’re crying because you’re ‘goth’ or because you’re genuinely upset.”

And then I said. “Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don’t want to kill him, because, he’s really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don’t kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!” I burst into tears.

“She was already cryin’, but okay,” Cherry said and leaned back into her seat, “Though, ya know, seeing Voldy at all outght to be way more concernin’ than him tryin’ to blackmail Ebony. What with him being the greatest wizard criminal and so awful people dare not say his name.”

Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.

“Was he just hiding and watching the whole time?” Asahi asked, narrowing his eyes. “That’s… more than a little creepy.”

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!” (c is dat out of character?)

“Yes, actually,” Briar confirmed. “If we look at canon-Draco, his swearing and stammering is out of character. The wizarding world has their own form of curses that don’t utilize muggle swears. But the Draco of this story? He’s a whiny little brat with no spine, and this reaction is out of character for the ‘sensitive goth boy’.”

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

“Now that, crying and running away, is in character for the My Immortal Draco,” the Huntsman nodded.

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn’t cause he had a headache.

“Girl is really doubling down on the whole headache bit, huh,” Cherry mused. “I mean, props for keeping it goin’, I guess.”

“What have you done!” He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y)

“Well, can’t argue with that logic,” Asahi admitted. “Crying is, in fact, not swearing. Though I’m not sure how you ‘wisely’ cry.

“Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists.”

Asahi tilted his head to the side, “They found him awfully…suspiciously quick, considering it has only been an hour since he ran off,” he said slowly, conspiracies forming in his head. “Not to mention, just at the start of this chapter, Gilesbie emphasized that he couldn’t die from a slit wrist, only by crosses and, weirdly enough, steaks. Either Gilesbie isn’t reading what she’s writing, or there’s something more going on.”

“I wish there was a deeper mystery to it all, but ya know it’s the first option, which is boring,” Cherry complained.

Chapter 11.

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus!

“Like vampires killing themselves?” Briar asked with an arched brow. “Because, sure. That’s deadly serious, a real-world issue. Certainly not something stupid.”

sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!

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“You know what, the ‘fangz’ thing is starting to grow on me. It’s kind of cute,” Asahi admitted with a soft smile, but quickly shook that away. “Her spelling, however? Worsening. It hurts my brain to read and decipher.”

“NO!” I screamed. I was horrorfied! B’loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off and I ran to my room crying myself.

“Come on, Raven. Right outta the ballpark an’ ya missed one!” Cherry chastised, then thought better of it and shook her head. “Actually, nah. If the author notes are anything to go by, then missin’ a word here an’ there ain’t to bad considering all the other words you’re probs fixin’.”

“Raven is truly a godsend for this story,” Asahi praised.

Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.

“Considering the context of what’s going on; that is a student of his—her boyfriend—just supposedly killed himself and Ebony responded by fleeing in tears, I doubt anyone would think he had perverted intentions if he chased after her,” Briar pointed out. “They’d see him as a teacher wanting to make sure another student doesn’t commit suicide. Which is noble.”

“Exactly,” Cherry agreed. “For all he knows, the girl’s running off to do something awful. Plus, I know it ain’t especially stated in the movies or books, but the man is gay. I’m sure the staff and students know that.”

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume.

Asahi started snickering, “I love how the way it’s written implies that her wrists got all over her clothes, as if she’s got numerous wrists she can’t control, and so she had to pop them off her arms before getting into the bath.”

Tapping her foot impatiently against the floor, Cherry scowled and crossed her arms over her chest. “Okay, Linkin Park is a little more forgivable. The band technically started in 96, but there’s no fuckin’ way they were popular in Scotland at the time,” she admitted, but her scowl didn’t ease up. “But they still aren’t goth! Linkin Park, an I love this band, they’re alt, rap, an electronic rock, with a bit of metal. Just—for fuck’s sake look up actual gothic bands of the 90s and namedrop them! It ain’t hard! Ya got the internet at your fingertips!”

I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide.

“I’m assuming the lethality of a steak is that you’re allergic, like how vampires are to garlic,” Briar suggested, and shrugged, “Though plunging a steak into your heart will be difficult.”

I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings.

“Because nothing says depression like dolling yourself up for no reason,” Asahi said, then squinted at the text. “Wait, is that what she wears to bed? That can’t be comfortable.”

I couldn’t fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it!

“You heard it here. He was masticatin’ to it,” Cherry said with snickers.

“She really doesn’t know what that word means, does she?” Briar asked, and shook his head, “Who am I kidding, of course she doesn’t. But I wonder where she got the idea that Snape and Lupin were friends from. They knew each other from school, yes, but they weren’t friends. Lupin was friends with James Potter, Snape’s bully that he still holds a vendetta against. Safe to say Snape isn’t too fond of Lupin, either.”

They were sitting on their broomsticks.

“EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!” I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it.

“One, that is one fugly towel,” Cherry said, holding up her index finger, and slowly added her middle to the mix, “Two; girl was already dressed, what’s she coverin’ up for? We just suffered through her ramblin’ about what she was wearin’.”

Suddenly Vampire ran in.

“Suspiciously convenient,” Asahi said, narrowing his eyes. “Was he just waiting outside the door for his chance to burst into the bathroom?”

“Abra Kedavra!” he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb.

Briar put a hand over his mouth to hide the growing smile as he shook his head. “I am loving this trans representation. All we got from the other stories was TwilightRova’s mistreatment of Jasper.”

I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke.

“A gazillion times…” Asahi sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “How many bullets does she think a gun holds? Has she ever even fired a gun before? Because I’m willing to bet none hit their mark.”

Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. “Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…

Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.

“Man, why the fuck is everyone running into this girl’s bathroom?” Cherry asked, placing her hands on her hips. “That’s just really inconvenient for her, girl is just trying to take the worlds most depressing an’ fully clothed bath an everyone keeps botherin’ her.”

“Let’s not forget that the Slytherin area is underground,” Asahi reminded them. “So… take that bit as you will to try and make sense of the logistics of this scene.”

“What do you know, Hargrid? You’re just a little Hogwarts student!”

“Hagrid is neither a student nor is he little,” Briar said, shaking his head. “He’s a half-giant and was expelled decades ago.”

“I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT….” Hargirid paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!”

“And that’s relevant…how?” Cherry asked.

“It’s not,” Asahi answered, arms crossed over his chest.

“This cannot be.” Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore’s wand had shot him. “There must be other factors.”

“YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!” I yelled in madly.

Briar sighed, rubbing the back of his neck, “I’m lost,” he confessed, shaking his head. “I literally do not understand what they’re talking about anymore.”

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly.

“Raven’s really starting to slack off on the job,” Asahi mused. “Triumelephantly, really?”

“The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!”

“Really excitin’ stuff in there, too,” Cherry nodded. “Ya got a teenage student sitting in a bath fully clothed while tryin’ to kill herself with a steak. Valuable blackmail material.”

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.

“Why are you doing this?” Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook.

“No one’s really doing anything,” Asahi pointed out. “That’s the problem, no one’s doing anything with the exception of Lupin fondling a clock.”

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him.

Cherry shook her head, “I’m convinced that Tara smoked the Devil’s Lettuce before writin’ this chapter,” she muttered. “Really the only explanation that makes any of this weirdness make sense.”

I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.

“I’d say bite him,” Briar said, raising his hand as he spoke. “But it might be hard because she’s inside and he’s outside, so she’ll have to work to get that bite in.”

“BECAUSE…BECAUSE….” Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.

Cherry tugged on her hair, “Seriously? You’re choosin’ a rapper over actual gothic rock?” she yelled. “What do you against The Cure!?”

“Because you’re goffic?” Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan.

“Why would Snape, who is associated with the Death Eaters, be afraid because someone is ‘connected to Satan’?” Asahi questioned, frowning at the screen. “And more than that, Gilesbie keeps insisting satanism is a Slytherin trait. Did she forget that Snape was a Slytherin student, that he’s currently the head of their House? By her logic he should also be a fucking satanist!”

“Because I LOVE HER!”

Cherry lurched to the side and started gagging.

Chapter 12.

AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu!

“Your commentary on this ‘issue’ might hold more water if you didn’t make your character a legal adult in her story’s canon, and if you were consistent on if Hagrid was a student or an adult,” Asahi retaliated, patting Cherry on the back as she remained limp over the arm of her chair.

how du u no snap iant kristian plus hargrid isn’t really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok!

XXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Still makes even less sense. Diggory would be dead at this point,” Asahi continued, “he died when Potter was in his fourth year, and since Potter is the same age as Way, he died three years ago.”

“Plus, he’s not once been mentioned in this story,” Briar added, “you truly expect anyone to believe it was Cedric who confessed his love? No. As usual, your writing and backtracks make no sense.”

I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together.

Cherry slowly pulled herself together and resituated herself on her seat. “Oh. Huh. Must’a been one of them deleted scenes that are oh so common in books an’ fics,” she said sarcastically.

“NO!” I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire. He started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!” and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

“Raven,” Asahi called out, a frown firmly on place. “Please, get some coffee, take a breather, recharge or whatever you need to do before you get back to editing. This is getting bad.”

I stopped. “How did u know?”

“I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!”

“Scar’s don’t just change shape,” Briar pointed out with a frown, tracing a scar on his arm through the fabric of his sleeve as he spoke. “They’re permanent reminders, they don’t just shift and change from a square to a star, or a lightning bolt to a pentagram.”

“NO!” I ran up closer. “I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted.

“I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation.” he said back.

“Okay, I can accept magic for why his scar changed shape,” Briar conceded, but he didn’t look happy about it. “But what was the point of changing it if you were just going to cover it up with makeup? Sounds like a waste of effort.”

“Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me!

Asahi sighed, shaking his head, “I’ll admit she got that right. Potter’s scar does hurt from time to time, usually in response to Voldemort bullshit and it represents their connection,” he said, glaring at the screen, “But this just leaves the story open to debate on just how much Harry Potter lore Gilesbie does and doesn’t know, and how much she’s lying about not knowing.”

then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco…………….Volfemort has him bondage!”

“Hm. Didn’t know Voldemort was kinky like that, but aight,” Cherry muttered, shaking her head.

Anyway I was in the school nurse’s office now recovering from my slit wrists.

“You would think that’d take a few minutes to recover from what with all the magic,” Briar pointed out. “Some slit wrists shouldn’t take too much time to patch up with a wave of a wand and a few magic words."

"It’s also not a ‘nurse’s office’,” Asahi added, “It’s a medical wing. Hogwarts gets some interesting injuries, as you might expect with a bunch of kids and teens learning magic and flying on brooms, you need an entire wing to house and tend to them all.”

Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too. They were going to St. Mango’s after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can’t have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz.

“Debatable, but very unlikely that Way falls into that category, but I digress,” Asahi shrugged. “St. Mungo is a magical hospital, not a mental facility. I don’t think they can treat pedophilia there. I’m also not sure if they qualify as pedophiles when in the canon of the world, Way is an adult by wizard standards.”

Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them.

“Ebony returning to the classic, but, wow,” Cherry wheezed out a laugh. “Dumbledore constipated the cideo camera. Man. Wow. Yeah, that’ll solve everythin’ for sure!”

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

“Enoby I need to tell u somethnig.” he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

“If the man is about to be sent away under suspicion of pedophilia, do you seriously think he’d be allowed to wander the school unsupervised?” Asahi questioned. “He wouldn’t. He certainly wouldn’t be allowed to give flowers to someone.”

“Fuck off.” I told him. “You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don’t like fucked up preps like you.” I snapped.

“And yet you sleep in a hot pink coffin,” Cherry reminded her. “Which I will steal if you don’t want it anymore. That thing is lit.”

Briar frowned, “Did she already forget that Hagrid is a part of her goth band, and that he confessed to be a satanist? I don’t think that qualifies as him being a prep. Then again, she is so wishy-washy she’s likely already forgotten.”

Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik.

“No Enoby.” Hargrid says. “Those are not roses.”

“What, are they goffs too you poser prep?” I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.

“Ignoring that she wears pink and her reason for hating pink is just out of the blue… I kind of like her comeback,” Asahi said with a little grin. “It’s stupid and funny and hard to hate. Which describes this fic in general perfectly.”

“I saved your life!” He yelled angrily. “No you didn’t I replied.” “You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin.” Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently.

“No,” Briar shook his head. “You still spelt it wrong.”

“It was also a bath scene, not a shower scene,” Asahi corrected, and shrugged, “Though… who knows, there probably is a market out there for ‘goth girl self-harms with a steak in a bathtub, fully clothed’. People are freaks, after all.”

“Whatever!” I yelled angirly.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. “These aren’t roses.” He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that’s all you haD TO SAY! .

“That’s not a spell that’s an MCR song.” I corrected him wisely.

“I’m not surprised she’d recognize an MCR song immediately,” Cherry shrugged. “The girl basically worships them, she’s the type that’d hear a single note an’ know exactly the song it’s frome.”

“I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes.” Then he screamed. “Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!”

Asahi sighed, dropping his head into his hands, “I wish I could say we’re making this shit up, but we’re not. Gilesbie certainly is, though.”

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. Now I knew he wasn’t a prep.

“A black flame is black. Talk about redundancy,” Cherry scoffed. “But, sure, that proves he ain’t a prep. All ya need to be goth is black fire.”

“OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?”

“Your boyfriend, unfortunately for him. He really does deserve better,” Briar explained, looking at the screen like a disappointed parent. “He’s also Voldemort’s… I don’t know, something. Voldemort has him in bondage, though. We’ve been over this already, Ebony. Keep up.”

“Not sure how Voldemort got him, or why Dumbledore assumed he self-deleted, doubt it will ever be explained, either,” Cherry said, weaving her fingers through her pigtails, “Which is probably for the best. Her explanation would be absolute horseshit.”

Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.

“It’s fire,” Asahi deadpanned. “Were you expecting to see something?”

“U c, Enobby,” Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. “2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?”

“Leave the MSTing to the pros, Dumbledore,” Asahi said with a frown, not that they themselves were pros. “But… that joke was just cringe.”

“I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!” Hargrid yelled.

Briar ran a hand down his face. “He wasn’t even talking to you, you idiot.”

dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn’t have a headache or else he would have said something back.

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. “U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!”

“Hagrid was given the mentality of a tantrum throwin’ kid in this, I see,” Cherry commented, “Dunno why he’s so pissed at Dumbledore since the guy wasn’t even talkin’ to him, an said nothing that was mean or offensive.”

“It’s because the author is an idiot,” Asahi said.

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don’t know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!) and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss.

“This girl changes clothes more than anyone I know!” Cherry yelled. “Ya just changed into this outfit before all this shit started, an’ now your changing it again?”

“You look kawai, girl.” B’loody Mary said sadly

Asahi loudly groaned before making a gagging noise. “I swear to God, do not desecrate my language, stick to butchering your own,” he growled, before shuddering. “She is definitely the type who pronounces it kowai.”

“Fangs (geddit) you do too.” I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood.

“I guess when you’re out of bottled blood ya gotta drink your own,” Cherry mused, and tapped a finger to her chin, “This count as self-cannibalism?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure it does,” Briar confirmed.

I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn’t spy on me this time. I went to some classes. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures.

“I’ve heard of Care of Magical Creatures, but Hair of Magical Magic Creatures is a new one,” Briar mused. “Not sure I want to know what goes on in this class.”

He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff.

“So, I guess Hufflepuffs are just the blood bank,” Asahi mused, shaking his head, “Though, just a reminder, Potter is not a vampire. He’s just a freak that drinks blood.”

“Hi.” he said in a depressed way. “Hi back.” I said in an wqually said way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos.

“They probably shop at the same place,” Briar suggested.

Cherry nodded, “Yeah, I doubt there’s too many places in Hogsmeade or Diagon Alley to buy colored contacts at.”

Then……… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.

“While I’m sure the Hufflepuff is glad to get out, they need to pick their timing better,” Asahi stated, watching in disapproval. “They’re in the middle of class, unresolved sexual tension ignored, this is not the time or place for sex.”

“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!” shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else.

“Can’t argue with her remarks, as before, I like this one,” Briar said with proud smile. “She described the two perfectly, they’re horny simpletons. Curious that she’d let Vampire get away with draining the Hufflepuff as he did.”

Asahi nodded, “She’s dealing with enough right now that she just didn’t have the energy to handle that,” he said, and shrugged. “After all, she’s not teaching Care of Magical Creatures along with Transfiguration now that Hagrid is gone.”

“Vampire you fucker!” I said slapping him. “Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!” I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

“Takes two to tangle, you and Potter both jumped on each other, you’re equally at fault,” Asahi said. “You’re just as guilty of trying to have public sex as him.”

Just then he started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!” and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

“NO!” I ran up closer.

“I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted.

“I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation.” he said back. “Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco…………….Volfemort has him bondage!”

Cherry let out a low whistle. “Either I’m losin’ my mind or Tara decided to repeat the scene from earlier this chapter, word-for-word at that,” she said, reading it over again. “I get if you thought it’d be better as a cliffhanger, but in that case ya woulda deleted it from the start of the chapter.”

“Raven has clearly stopped paying attention to the story,” Asahi said in disappointment, “At least the spelling isn’t abysmal yet, but it’s still disheartening.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXX

SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111

“No,” Briar corrected, “You are supposed to write this. She edits it.”

“So this basically says that Raven didn’t read the chapter at all, or if she did it was a very cursory glance if anything,” Asahi mused, hand to his mouth to cover the growing smirk. “But… this is when the drama truly gets good.”

HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I

To that he made a ‘ding-ding-ding’ sound, pointing to the screen. “And here, my lady and gentleman, is the start of the Gilesbie-Raven fight, a real life drama spat between the two that bleeds into the story. It is when this story goes from generic badfic to juicy trollfic.”

The lights began to brighten as the screen darkened. Their cue for a break. Cherry was the first on her feet, stretching her limbs, feeling her joints pop and crack as she moved around, giddy with excitement and laughter.

“So,” Asahi spoke up, his attention on Briar. “As the only one here who hasn’t had previous experience with this story… what are your thoughts on it so far?”

Briar watched them with a measured look, taking his time as he rose and adjusted his belt and the dagger sheathed to it. “It was…okay,” he decided after a few moments, and at their burning gazes, continued. “It is a far cry from decent literature, but… it is not the worst. In ways this has been the only truly enjoyable story we’ve read. In others… it is a mind-boggling mess. I can’t say I hate it, but I do not like it.”

Which was fair.

Cherry shrugged, “I mean, I get it. The love for this fic is more out of the icon it is an’ the memes it has produces, if I’m being honest,” she said, and her grin returned. “Like, ‘What the hell are ya doin’ ya motherfuckers’!” she shouted, using her best impression of an old mans voice before she broke down into laughter.

“Or,” Asahi said, clearing his throat and following through with the fakest, highest pitched girly voice she ever heard him say. “Hi! My name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way, and I have long ebony black hair!” he stopped to cough, clearly not able to do that voice for more than a few words at a time.

Briar shook his head, but Cherry saw him smiling. “While you two continue to mess around, I’m going to tend to my own needs,” which she thought was a funny way to say he needed a piss, but it was what it was.

She and Asahi could just spend the remainder of break spitting out quotes to each other and laughing while he was off doing what he needed to do.

This was by far the most fun she’s had at the theater.

[itsdisneymydudes]

I’m Gonna Wreck It

Another movie I haven’t seen, another live blog! This week I’ll be checking out Wreck-It Ralph. Truth be told, idk why I haven’t seen this before: video game and arcade jokes? What’s not to love omg.

Oh my god, 8-bit Disney Animation logo with complimentary 8-bit music. It’s perfect.

Wait a minute...is Ralph really the bad guy if the bulldozer moved his stump first? I can kinda understand his aggression seeing as they hit first. He’s only responding...with fists...

Fastest way to get exposition is to have John C. Riley narrate over a video game lemme tell ya. And the premise makes a lot of sense. Ralph does his job. It just so happens that that job is to wreck everything. And get thrown off a roof. Into mud. Medal-less.

Lol @the-kid​-who-says-“This animation is so real.” I see you, Disney. I see you.

Whoa. Just whoa. The arcade time lapse is so full of old video game references, there is no way you could catch them all in one viewing. Damn, Disney really went all out with the royalties for this movie. Pac-man, Asteroids, Frogger, TMNT, this is beautiful.

And we’re still less than 3 minutes into this movie. Oh, this is gonna be good.

Aw, Ralph wants to love his job but hates it at the same time. Is this gonna be a mid-life crisis told through video games? Please say yes.

Lolololol this is like a modern version of Toy Story. All the video games come to life once the people leave. Oh and Street Fighter II? That could not have been easy to get in this movie (and they only use it for a quick joke about grabbing a drink after work, too. Now that’s dedication to making your world believable).

I’m loving this translation of choppy 8-bit video game motions into a 3D animated world. It’s a subtle touch, but one that makes everything more realistic imo.

Also, loving the meta-humor where Ralph literally wrecks everything he touches. Even the bushes fall over after he brushes them.

Aw, Ralph’s true motivations are coming through... :(

Lol a Bad-Anon meeting? Idk what’s better: the fact that it’s a play on Alcohol Anonymous or the fact that they used Anon from Internet slang.

Nope, I change my mind. The best part about this is how many video game baddies they have here. Bowser, Kano, Dr. Robotnik, Blinky the Ghost, I just can’t believe it.

Aw, the bad guys are really trying to explain to Ralph why being bad isn’t necessarily a bad thing. That’s nice.

Oh my god, Kano just ripped Zombie’s heart out. That’s hilarious. Fatality (except Zombie is already dead...).

Lol. Thanks, Satan.

I like how everyone freaks out when Ralph says he doesn’t want to be the bad guy anymore. Society has rules, and if Ralph is trying to break them in the slightest (”go Turbo”), then everyone loses their minds. Even for bad guys, you still gotta follow the rules.

Whoa. Blinky is right. Don’t try and change who you are to be better, accept who you are to be a better you. Damn, deep stuff.

AHHH THE BAD-ANON MEETING WAS IN BLINKY’S RESPAWN BOX FOR PAC-MAN. THAT’S ABSOLUTE GOLD.

Oh my god Game Central Station is magnificent. The gates are outlet faces, and there are so many video game characters there. This is amazing.

Lol “All aboard the Soul Train, outlet 12.” Nice throwback.

Oooo a “random security check” always pulling aside Ralph. Not-so-subtle discrimination allegory. I like it. Also, Lara Croft name-dropping is always a good touch.

Sonic is in this movie too??? Marvelous. Simply marvelous.

Holy crap, Q*bert is homeless because their game got unplugged??? Snake too??? Oh my god that’s right in the feels. Aw and Ralph gives them his cherry. That’s so sweet. Gah this is gonna be an emotional roller coaster of a movie.

Lolololol is that supposed to be Skrillex?

Ralph and Felix’s conversation is so awkward. That makes me sad :(

Ah, Ralph is already breaking stuff. Ah and Felix’s respawn animation. Too cute.

Two things: 1) why are the apartment people so effing rude. Were they raised in a bar? Jfc. 2) I’m loving how anti-social Ralph is. Yea, you tell em buddy. Stick it to the man.

As sad as Ralph wrecking the cake is, you gotta appreciate the pixelated cake-splatter everywhere.

Oh my gosh how did I not see this before?! Tapper is an old video game too! Golly gee, references are everywhere!!!

Super mushrooms and Metal Gear exclamation points in the lost-and-found! Brilliant!

Oh, I get it. Hero’s Duty is supposed to be a cross between Halo and Call of Duty. Modern games are in this movie too. Smashing.

Is that Jane Lynch???? Oh heck yes!

“First Person Shooter coming through.” Niceeeeeeee.

This dubstep-space-robot-bug-thingy-shooter sequence is FUCKING AWESOME. HOLY NUTS WHY CAN’T ALL DISNEY MOVIES BE LIKE THIS.

Even in this chaotic shooting game, “formation” and social constructs are paramount. Damn, society. You scary.

Ralph and the “old video games” calling out the “new video games” for being scary. Got em.

Ha. A giant blue beam to zap all the bugs with. Cute.

Subway product placement? Huh. Interesting.

Also, the jerk guys who are clearly way older than the marketed arcade demographic are total jerks. Realistic arcade representation though. Every arcade has em.

Oh snap. Now I know why “sticking to the program” is so important. If games don’t, then they can be shut down for good. That’s so dark, Disney.

Ah now I wanna learn Q*bert-ese. That sounds really fun.

Also, it’s funny to see how much the village people (pun intended) need Ralph now after they berated him for “wrecking everything.” Yea, karma bitch.

I like how smitten Felix is for high-definition characters. Lol innuendo.

Are the cybug eggs supposed to be a reference to the eggs from Aliens? If so, I approve.

Aw, Ralph just wants everyone’s approval. That’s so sad :( Poor Ralph.

The little cybug just jumped on Ralph’s face. Totally a reference to Aliens.

Hahahahaha. Sonic lost his rings!

Sugar Rush is a mix between Mario Kart and Candyland right? That’s sweet (yes, pun intended again).

Also, that’s a theme catchy song.

I can’t believe that’s Sarah Silverman!

Whoa was that a glitch...? Do they have those in this movie?

If cybugs are viruses, does that mean Hero’s Duty is like the Norton Antivirus of the arcade then? Lol that’d be a riveting game.

Pay-to-play for this racing competition seems like it guarantees the richest racers will always race…it’s almost like the top 1% of racers will always stay at the top…hey wait a minute, Disney…

I like how the coins dissolve in to 0’s and 1’s. It’s the little details that make this movie awesome.

Oh no, Ralph’s medal got dissolved…

So Vanellope is a glitch. Whoa.

Haha. The cops are donuts. Got em.

Is that Ralph or Shrek?

AH IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE A REPRESENTATION OF POLICE BRUTALITY??? AH DISNEY I SEE YOU

Whoa, glitch discrimination. That’s some deep stuff yo.

THE OREOS ARE FROM THE WIZARD OF OZ I’M GONNA McFREAKIN’ LOSE IT

Children of the Candy Corn? There are so many references in this movie that I highly doubt younger audiences will recognize.

Lol. Fun-geon. Pun-geon. Aha, ok. I’m done-geon. Oh my god. It went full circle.

A Darth Vader breathing reference? What doesn’t this movie have???

Pixlexia? Is that a play on dyslexia?

Holy fuck, these racers are awful. They’re destroying Vanellope’s car just cuz she’s different? WTF.

Yay! Ralph to the rescue!

Haha. Ralph can break everything except a jawbreaker. Just like I remember them.

Oh snap. Nvm, he did.

Why would a creepy character like Turbo be the hero of a racing game? He sure doesn’t look like a hero…

Also, good exposition for the word “Turbo.”

Ahaha. Nesquik-sand. I love Nesquik. But I hate sand. It’s rough. And course. And it gets everywhere (lol, ok I’m done).

Aha Laffy Taffy that laugh. This movie is full of puns too? Oh I am in love.

Aaaaand insert obligatory Disney romance subplot here.

Lol. Gunshots are the fastest way to silence unwanted singing.

Oh my gosh. Candy-cybugs???

Is Vanellope calling Ralph “Knuckles” supposed to be a Sonic the Hedgehog reference? If so, I love it.

Lolololol did she just call him GLaDOS too??? Gold!!!

A game within a game. Game-ception? Nope, a mini-game!

Aw Vanellope and Ralph are bonding.

AW VANELLOPE LOVES THE CAR RALPH MADE FOR HER. THAT’S SO FUCKING PRECIOUS.

I get the vibe I’m not supposed to like King Candy, but his puns save me. Spiritually, ethically, psychologically. Everything.

Ahhhhh the ol’ Mentos and Diet Coke trick. Good one.

Whoa. The parallels between Vanellope and Ralph are striking, sure. But the fact that she can’t even leave her game because she’s a glitch? That’s hard stuff. At least Ralph can go where he pleases. Damn, Disney.

Lol, Vanellope learning to drive is exactly how I was in driver’s ed. “What do these pedals on the floor do?”

Vanellope has a chance to win if she can “get that glitch under control?” That totally undermines the entire message of the movie thus far! What the heck!

AAAAAAAHHHHH THE UP-UP-DOWN-DOWN-LEFT-RIGHT-LEFT-RIGHT-B-A-START CHEAT CODE!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!

Aw, even Vanellope’s code is alienated from the rest of the game…

Lol, come on Felix. Put a trigger warning on before you say “Dynamite gal.”

HOLY FUCK VANELLOPE WILL DIE IF SHE WINS THE RACE. OH MY GOD KING CANDY’S LOGIC MAKES SENSE BUT HOLY FUCK THAT’S AWFUL. JESUS DISNEY WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DO THIS TO ME.

AAAAHHH VANELLOPE MADE RALPH A MEDAL OH MY GOD THIS IS TOO MUCH

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH RALPH NO NOT THE CAR OH MY FUCKING GOD NO NO NO NO NO

This movie is really sending mixed signals about being bad. Is it good to be bad? Is it bad to be bad? Are bad guys just alone no matter which way they try to be?

Waaaaaiiiit a minute. Why is Vanellope on the side of the arcade game if she’s a glitch? Game makers wouldn’t do that…what’s going on…

Lol, I literally just thought of that Ralph. No fair.

Haha. Candy-coated Heart of Darkness. The horror. The horror.

Jesus, eating Sour Bill is like dunking him in acid. Ralph is twisted, wow oh wow.

Whoa. Jeez how omnipotent is King Candy? He forcibly made Vanellope a glitch, then locked up everyone’s memories of her? Whoa.

The game will reset if Vanellope crosses the finish line? Hm….

Also, nice “stick around” pun, Ralph.

Lol. Felix making the bars stronger is great.

So is Ralph returning to being bad…by doing something good? Again, what is this movie trying to say! Be good or be bad??? Be bad with good intentions??? Jeez, I’ve never had such an identity crisis over a movie before!

Haha. The assorted fans with nuts are the Cameron Crazies. Nice touch.

Ooooooo I love the camera pan-around for the racecars! Just like in Mario Kart!

Ah someone even spun out before the start! Didn’t get the timing right, eh?

Now that’s what I call pod-racing!

Ayyy nice. Vanellope’s glitch moved her ahead of those Mean-Girl-esque candy racers!

Damn, Vanellope is 2 fast 2 furious for King Candy (with a little Tokyo Drift thrown in there for good measure).

Oh my god. It all makes sense now. King Candy is Turbo. He passed his glitch on to Vanellope so she’d be the outcast and not him. But Vanellope inadvertently passed it back to him and exposed him. Whoa.

Oh nice, another literary reference. On the “Come back soon” sign, it says “Parting is such sweet sorrow…” from Romeo and Juliet. Nice one (and a good pun too).

Oh god, Vanellope still can’t leave the game.

No no no she can’t die. No no no don’t do it, Disney.

Oh I see. Ralph is using his bad wrecking powers for good. Ohhhhhh.

Ohhhh snap. Now Turbo is game-hopping virus. Shit.

OH NO. NO NO NO. IS RALPH GONNA DIE???

Oh. He didn’t. Good.

Wait, is Vanellope getting a dress? Aw come on, Disney. I thought we were done with gender stereotyping.

Whoa, what??? Princess Vanellope??? Yo way to go!!!

Yea, Vanellope, yea! Execute those suckers! Fuck em up!!!

Aw, she was just kidding. Darn it.

Lol, constitutional democracy? President Vanellope? Yea, I’d vote for her.

Jesus, even with a happy ending, Disney has to play with my heart. Why does Ralph have to say goodbye. Why why why.

Aw a nice sweet happy ending where everybody wins. Good ol’ Disney.

HOLY CRAP RALPH CAN SEE VANELLOPE RACING WHEN HE GETS THROWN OFF THE BUILDING THAT IS SO FREAKING CUTE OH MY GOSH

AHHHHH WHAT A PERFECT ENDING. WHAT A PERFECT LAST LINE. AHHHHH THIS MOVIE IS SO PERFECT. I CAN’T HANDLE THIS RIGHT NOW GAAAAAHHHHHH

OH MY GOODNESS JUST WHEN I THOUGHT THIS MOVIE COULDN’T GET ANY BETTER. THE PAC-MAN ENDGAME GLITCH IS AT THE END OF THE CREDITS DURING THE DISNEY LOGO. HOW PERFECT IS THAT!?!?!? AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

This movie is beautiful. Just simply beautiful.