#yk i shld really love myself more the way i want to be loved
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#🌙.rambles#just let me express some self love since i've been feeling insecure n putting down my worth lately#comfy/calm late night walks! n talks! or silence 🤍#i like my voice#i'm smart n responsible ✨#though i do have insecurities abt how i look#if i don't care abt what others think#then i do think i'm pretty enough#personally i do like how i look but it's in a way that it's harder for me to believe that others think that way abt me too#yk i shld really love myself more the way i want to be loved#love letters to myself? yes. spotify playlists? yes. i shld buy myself flowers n bake cookies too#i love being an adolescent honestly#10 years from now i know i'll definitely miss today#but that's how it always goes :') for all the regrets n struggles i have#i ultimately love life. i love myself#i love the way i love. the way i care. the way i always try to be better#n how i try to be kind to myself. my own best friend#i know the things i value n the things i want (to achieve) in life#i get lost n uncertain at times of course but ultimately i know who i am#n so in the end i'll always be proud of myself. for all i've done n many more i'll do#i love my depth. n my self-awareness#wah i'm rambling again i wna do that less in the future ;; but while i'm sick rn i'll just let myself free#i love my creativity!#i hate the pain my mind gives me but i ultimately still love the way i think#maybe i really don't belong in this world but that's alright.#back to adolescence tho i want this to last as long as possible ofc. as any other part of my life#it is irreplaceable.#i like imagining how i'd be in the future though#maybe i'd find love. maybe i'd be able to write that book or develop that video game as i've always wanted
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i'm rlly happy i started listening to the 1975
#🌙.rambles#at first i thought they had more sus songs so i didn't listen to them for a while#n the first song i listened to them was fallingforyou n the only song i rlly listened to for a while#n then. i listened to some other popular ones at first which were more on the ballad slow type yeah#which i like too but then. i listened to more n now. oh my god#i really appreciate their views on society ! in abiiof i rlly. understand where they're coming from#that kind of thing is smth that means a lot to me yk? just. a lot of things in society in general n then#while i may not relate personally to the ones more on the topic of love n uhm yeah yk#i do understand them well n probably more than i shld 😭 i don't have experience myself but for me it's just#understanding n learning is just really important to me. so i know of more.. mature things still#i rlly love how. w their beats n the music. n then the meaning behind it. i really appreciate it. i love it so much#n then live they're just !!!! really performers#i really love how they just. do what they want yk? be who they are#n then. particularly since i know more of him w stuff i've watched n read#matty really is intelligent. he looks at life deeper than most. n i relate to a lot that i know of him#also like getting more into music w the bands n all rlly reminded me of how i rlly want to make my own one day#like. a lot of my goals n dreams r like. relating to literature n games n science n music#both in like learning or taking n then creating in a way#specifically in music here yk i really grew up w music. a lot of influences from so many artists n then#i played piano ever since 8 n then i rlly learned well but we stopped having lessons n i got more busy w my studies#since i'm.. an academic achiever as well n my grades have always been great in general n then#i love all genres. i can't even rlly write abt that rn bcs my love for music is rlly just so much#n then i don't know how to explain it but.. when i listen to music i really really Listen to it like. yk i take in everything abt it#i love music so much. oh man#i cld ramble on even more abt the 1975 too i think they're rlly special in the industry#i rlly love how they juxtapose darker topics w their upbeat songs?#i'm gna be productive now phew i'm rlly glad we have a long weekend. i'll make the most of this time.
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hmmm i wna write
#🌙.rambles#T_T how many times do i speak of wants and how many times do i even reach out to them? hdkfajsdfl that said tho i find it interesting how#yk personally for me in doubt there i can find certainty. in silence we can find answers that speak more than words could at times#and we can realize the meaning of life when faced with death#idk all those r pretty obvious in a way bit i like pondering on them a lil deeper n. it's beautiful to me. perhaps rather bittersweet#it's 5 am n i shld be asleep this is likely to be a mess n i'm not gna make any sense hdfkajsdlkfsdj oh my god wtf am i saying#it's in my head the sentiment the sort of color of this thought but i can't write it!! this sucks#i'm a mess rn these r just random musings from a stressed sleep-deprived girl ok#read a belial fic from one of my favorite writers on this site n hdfjalkdfjd OKAY THAT PUT ME INTO EVEN MORE OF A MESS#n so i've been thinking of a lot more stuff too n oh dear my cramps r killing me i am rambling so much at this hour but#made me think about how yk i rlly love characters like that. those that r rather tragic. there's smth so bittersweet abt them#i like a lot of kinds of characters but those too me r really special in a way!!#one time of sad characters i like r those. yk those kind ones#the ones who help n listen n give to others but when it comes to accepting love n something soft for their own self.. Nah#that sort of.. pain is smth that touches me a lot probably bcs i'm similar. i find myself v drawn by it#wishing these characters were real in a way too so i cld. help them in a way. not rlly in a way that i'm responsible for it or its my duty#but. something that makes me so happy is seeing ppl i love. improve n get better. happier. they deserve it so much n#it makes me really happy to even just. contribute even just a little to it. even if i'm not. idk the sun of the sky. not the 1st or fav wtv#even if i'll just be the shadow or the ghost or forgotten n left behind i'm happy enough. w that#i'm crying i shld've wrote this in my notes instead there r sm words in my head that i can't say here#oh fuck#is this one reason why that one song made me so emotional#recently i have been.. denying myself haven't i? hiding. burying my own wants. can't reach out.#i don't fucking understand it's not like i never particularly lacked when it comes to.. yeah? growing up i#no wait it's.. not as simple as that there's a lot of factors i know affect me here. it's a bit overwhelming n.. it hurts.#i can't write anymore here goddamn it i'll write to myself sm words fuck but i'll write them to myself i've alr said more than i should hav#maybe being so used to fiction affected me negatively in a way bcs it seems i can't wholly n completely accept the.. no wait thats enough;;#it hurts but.. i will i absolutely will keep all this to myself. even if it suffocates me inside. i can't. i can't do or. have that#this is a painful realization smth i mentioned earlier's how i wrote the uh. 'reader' YK YH in that story two years ago lmfao 'starlit sky'#& my wol.. my wol is like that. my main oc too. who's basically my self-insert. no way. no fucking way i hate this
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