#youre testing my fucking patients
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[guy with chronic pain voice] i should draw pain threshold
#chemi chats#pain thresh save me. save me pain thresh.#its truly like. sure i'll find pleasure in the pain what fucking else are you supposed to do with a life full of constant bodily agony.#the alternative is suffering. the alternative is wallowing in feeling bad and sad all the time and im fucking sick of feeling this way!#so sure! i like the pain actually! whatever!! hurt me more!! bring it on! i'll feel every pain ever whatever! can't get worse than this!#if you completely own it. if you're in pain and you /want/ to be in pain does that lessen the suffering?? does that make it easier to cope?#just some thoughts about him hkjgh i worry for that guy sometimes. chronic pain havers are really going through it.#pain thresh who are your friends in the group? you and endurance are buds probably. empathy maybe? emotional pain </3#oh composure too maybe. buddy you need more friends. its hard to talk to people when you have chronic pain though. like when will you get#tired of me constantly saying ''im in pain''? because even while im holding back the full enormity of my pain i still say it a lot.#its hard to concentrate on other things and good fucking god it hurts; goddamnit you said it out loud again. you need to find friends who#are willing to be patient with you even when you ''complain'' a lot about the same thing all the time. usually other people with pain hgfij#on a secondary adhd note i should absolutely go through bdg's unraveled videos and pick out quotes that fit the skills lmao#pain thresh's is ''hey you know the crash test dummy that we throw against the wall violently? it would be cool IF IT COULD FEEL PAIN''#ency is one of the fun facts from the ''i read every halo novel'' probably hkjh and i could pull something from the sports one for phys?#hkjh anyway thats it folks hkjgh hugs and blowing kisses for everyone
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dear lord. i wish navigating the medical world as a trans person was not so awful.
#Multiple problems now#im so afraid to talk to my ENT doctor because he still misgenders me since the last time i saw him over 2 years ago and long before i passe#he just in general gives me such bad vibes and i think he really fucked up the surgery he gave me on my nose too#hes so annoying to talk to its like he doesn't know how to talk to his patients#im trying to figure out how to get hearing aids and he was like#hi you don't need anything from me just take your hearing test to a dispenser :)#so unhelpful?? like my hearing test from two years ago?? shouldn't i get a new one first?? also what dispensers??#and im scared to see him in person again because i now pass#like i feel like that would be so awkward#i need to just talk to my mom about this but im so upset and frustrated#and dont even get me started on my insurance company#being so annoying about letting me get top surgery#vent#this is so upsetting for me :(
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#my friend got mad and stormed away bc i joked abt missing and wishing a friend were with us bc if she was then i wouldnt have to be the-#-one to listen to her rambling abt her crush and whatnot#maybe ive been too rude in the way i went about it but now that i think abt it ive been ridiculously patient with her#shes always bringing me out my class and to the bathroom to talk abt her crushhh and her love lifee and she doesnt consider-#-my feelings at all ! do i even want to hear about it ?! do i give a SHIT ???#whenever SHE makes me feel awful i don't say anything. she just brushes it off with a sorry my bad loll#but the moment i express my frustration shes like fuck you la >:(#ive been telling her how i feel ive been telling her to stop it stop bringing me into your drama stop talking to me abt him#and yet!#she knew my prev. crush was talking shit about me yet she never told me until i asked her abt it ?! she didnt give a shit when i was-#-in the middle of taking a TEST and she was like um i dont care help me with this#dudeeee#youre so frustrating the world does not revolve around you and your love life shes the type of person to think shes cool for being 13 and-#-dating a 16 yr old baby NOOO!!!#i am so tired so so so tired i feel out of place with my friends all the time i hate everything#to clarify shes not 13 anymore but she sure! does act like it...
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my "brain tumor" (pituitary adenoma) is GONE and I'm out of work for a whole ass 6 weeks!
healing's gonna be rough and it's gonna take a while to see more dramatic changes, but hopefully this is finally the beginning of the end of this bullshit caused by this little fucker.
#fuck cushings this shit sucks#fuck this tumor#crazy how something that's only 6mm (millimeters) big causes so much fucking craziness#and how it took 6 goddamn years for me to finally be referred to vanderbilt#and the endo doc at vandy took one look at me and listened and tested for cushings and whaddya fuckin know#6 years I've been begging my doctors in knox to help me and consider cushings.#less than a year with vandy and they got me diagnosed found the tumor on mri and removed it in 8 months#amazing what happens when you listen to your fucking patients#anyway#julie says shit#my pcp just called 'hey you've been in the hospital? you good?' yeah remember when yall said im just fat and it's just pcos? i told you so!#they owe me a proper apology dance.
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Weeping sobbing shitting my dick WHY DID I MOVE IN WITH A FUCKING PROFESSIONAL THERAPIST
#mars says stuff#uggghhh itll be FINE#im just fed up with how she expects me to ve borderline professional and oh so considerate all the time#but she treats me like a dog/patient when im doing things right and like an grown evil mysoginist man when I fuck up#the fuckup in question was not cleaning the rug fast enough and the fact my friends didnt clean up after themselves#AND THE FACT SHE LITERALLY KICKED ME OUT OF THE HOUSE FOR A NIGHT BC SHE 'needed breathing room'#AFTER I BROUGHT HER FOOD FROM MY MOM THAT SHE ASKED FOR!!!#AND SHE GOT OUR OTHER ROOMMATE TO DO IT BC SHES TOO MUCH OF AN UWU ANXIOUS GIRLY TO DO IT HERSELF#and for all our shared acquaintances their roles in HER life are always more importsnt than mine#and the way she gets so pissed when her mental health suggestions dont work for me/make things worse#like also YOU INVITED ME. TO LIVE WITH YOU. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND#we need to cocreate a life together instead of you just. adding me to yours and I need to fucking bend abd break to fit in#AND ALSO ITS FUCKING DEAD WEEK AND I HAVE A TEST TODAY AND SHE KNOWS THAT BUT DENIED IT LAST NIGHT#at least if things get bad enough I could ruin her fucking life if I need to#i wont. i still love her to death. but if she can kick me out with impunity I can get her fired
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#lol private rant time#i 100% get that doctors are in a position of power and cannot and should not ever bemoan or belittle patient experiences#but every time I hear 99% of doctors don’t care and like don’t do anything for patients it’s so disheartening#if I had a pill that I could give to every person with constant pain I would give it in a heartbeat#if I could spot diagnose people with conditions based off a symptom I would#if there was a textbook that gave every combination of symptoms to line up to a diagnosis that would be my bible#but chronic disease is fuckinf hard to identify#and fuckinf hard to be like oh yeah defs#and that’s not to say some people do not do their due diligence but#fuck if I don’t think about patients that have walked out right before we finally got a diagnosis for them#and patients that we don’t know what happened and I’m still like fuck I hope they’re okay#and patients where there’s something weird and you’ve run every test and wracked through textbooks trying to be like maybe this is the thing#and just#you just think of your patients all the time#anyway stupid rant to delete :)
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i have such a hard time with tone indicators still because i don't know what the fuck i mean either. how am i supposed to fake it until i make it in these conditions
#kie rambles#brought to you by the two mega autism trucks having sex where my brain should be#rant in tags#also even tho ik what the tone indicators are supposed to mean??? i have no clue how to apply those to a social context#it's like taking a test but the study guide is written entirely in emojis and i dont know what the subject is#“you said the thing you should know how you intended it” well.#when you spend your whole life trying to make your interactions palatable through masking#and suddenly this new tool that's supposed to help you get intentions across appears#i dont know how to use it without unmasking fully and i dont know how to do that yet#TONE INDICATORS ARE GOOD BTW. they help so many ppl and help people feel more free to joke around with each other w/o hurting one another#just saying it's. still hard to change the wiring of “indicate tone for neurotypical people to understand” --#-- to “don't indicate it at all until the end”#basically i still wanna use them bc theyre helpful to lots of ppl but like when i fuck up constantly pls be patient#feels like masking 2 electric boogaloo#masking as a nt person thats masking as a nd person. maskception. let me out of here oh my god#also im in class rn making this post instead of paying attention so if i repeat myself like 8 times im sowwy
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This semester's summary: existential crisis, existential crisis, existential crisis
#ah and 💸💸💸#so im always good in words compared to action so theory is not bad but my skills is lacking#im aware of it but im always a bit slow to catch up and all and that's one of my biggest insecurity#anyway today we had our last review skills session and i was unfortunately standing nearest to the trolley#so i was selected to do the tracheostomy suctioning and boy thats one of the skills that im really bad in#and i was struggling so bad and im shaking and my group has the top students and while i give no fuck you can see how they judge me#and the person in charge for that section is a master student who is having her assessment and i really dont want her to get bad results#so more panic and insecurity#but throughout the session she still guide me patiently and even say like its okay youre doing great and all#and by the end of it i got the grip of it but i was so upset with myself and regret everything#but then she lightly touch my arm and said its okay youre doing really well when i obviously fucked up#and then i just.. cried#what a good thing i wear a mask because two of my course mates are tested positive today because damn#and i keep on pretending to wipe my glasses when i was actually hiding my tears like damn this is embarrassing#but... i really want to thank her personally but i cant even talk just now and i dont even know if i will meet her again#because i really am doubting myself lately and that word is really comforting and i really needed to hear it#god 2nd year sucks i didnt even cry throughout my first year even when i did the worst presentation of my life and look like a dumbass#i always rant here you guys must be sick of me lol#personal.txt
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Love having to plan out and psych myself up before going to my gp to try and convince her to do her job properly (actually bother to try and diagnose what’s wrong instead of throwing meds at the symptoms and/or dismissing me outright)
#like jfc is that not literally the main part of your job#figuring out what’s causing your patients issues#is it not one of the appeals of the fucking job the problem solving to get to the root of the issue#like geez I’m just some ‘lowly’ allied health student and I can think of multiple diagnostic tests I should have for my issues#and she’s done None of them#and I’m not particularly hopeful she’ll suggest any of them when I see her today#ugh
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dont FUCKING HONK AT ME
#furious rn#today is not the day to test my will to live buddy#i will drive my shitty car headfirst into yours without hesitation killing us both in this mcdonalds parking lot#is that whatyou want ??? you want to die in a mcdonalds parking lot????#bc thats what the ‘please be patient new driver’ stickers are actually warning you about#dont be a fucking asshole and we can both get out nuggets and leave#god damn it i can’t fucking do it with these assholes anymore#long island drivers are the worst#i hate all these suburban assholes with my whole heart#first time i’ve ever flipped someone off in the rearview#this is straight barbarian posting just ignore#i was just so mad bc they honked TWICE and neither time was anything i could do anything about#like sorry u dont have the patience to wait two goddamn seconds for all the other cars to move
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what makes people think that they can treat the people in charge of their oh so important medicine like insects
#like wtfffff#they could literally do anything to your medicine but u wanna test it and treat them like shit#yeah ok#fuck off and let me do my job#year 2300 patient care is replaced entirely by androids because people don’t know how to treat workers#why are y’all always so short staffed#bitch u see how you people are treating me#no right minded person wants to go through that#DAMN
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The doctor verdict fell and im apparently doing Better Than Good™ and I was just worrying myself over nothing. everything’s fine with my medication and even my glucose level being higher is NORMAL because I’M IN CONVALESCENCE from a surgery.
Shout out to my dumbass freaking out about apparently nothing because I’m doing even better than planned, said my doctor
#jesus fucking christ#sobs falls on knees cries and piss#my doctor word for word said I'm doing better than some of her non-diabetic patients and that#I am stressing for nothing#which in turns also increase my glucose level#I'm fucking ready to fight god now#I had 3 medical appointment today#1) mental health and my therapist said I'm doing amazing too#2) diabetes nurse whom i was supposed to meet every month for a whole year#And she told me today that we're only gonna meet again in 6 months because lol im doing so great she doesn't see the point of seeing me#every month#3) my doc who also said lol see u in 3 months after your blood test#we dont need to meet every month anymore#I am dumbass unlimited worrying over nothing#call that the genius child syndrome fucking hell
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The experience of finagling your schedule to better suit a client who has been struggling with attendance only for them to immediately no-show the new time too.
Buddy I have a waiting list, I do not have time for you to skip sessions for months at a time.
#gonna fucking offer this person my one remaining '1x/month' slot and tell them this is the only time I have available for them now#and if they can't make it we'll have to begin discharge#because like. this can't keep happening every week my schedule is a fucking shit show#i have been gently reminding all my patients that i have a full caseload now and that I need to know for sure they can commit to appts#most have been great about it!#worst case scenario someone loses track of days and i give them a call at 5 after and they're like#oh shit be right on#but SOME OF THESE FOLKS#ooooooh they're testing my capacities#ironically it's never my patients who would be expected based on mental health needs to struggle with dates#it's literally just that some of my clients see these appts as not important compared to other stuff they have going on#WHICH WOULD BE FINE IF I GOT A REAL HEADS UP#OR IF I WEREN'T ALREADY BENDING OVER BACKWARDS TO MAKE SURE THEIR SCHEDULES ARE ACCOMMODATED#if i try to talk this out with them they assure me it's no issue they like their time#and then immediately the next week it's a no show followed up by a 'sorry i made plans and forgot to let you know!'#please#i'm begging you please don't no show your appts#it's so bad for your providers as people and as practices#literally our owner who is like. super anti consequence fees has officially said we're going to have to introduce them for no shows now#because it's apparently not just me and is getting super out of hand
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rant
#what do you say to someone suddenly reappearing from your past to tell you tht u should be dead with your feelings too#that i left them and it was wrong of me and i meant a lot to them#and when i tell them i hit a rough patch with mental health they say its a made up story#that i am weird that i need a doctor that i dont deserve ppl in my life#they also say that they cant let go of me bec they don't know the reason & what i say is not valid and then just told me to leave?#i mean i was so kind throughout bec i felt like i owed them bec at some point they did respect me a lot but i mean.. fuck you?#didn't sleep all night. wrote in my silly lil diary and now i sit here waiting to give the test#fr fr i mean everyone says im the problem literally everyone#but i can never understand them yet im patient. always#altmoon
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lots of people are pissing me off today 😐 hope they all have a terrible day too
#stop testing me wallah im gonna lose it 🔪🔪#no like if someone talks shit about your bird and calls u dirty for having one even tho u clean his space and bathe him regularly wouldn’t u#be angry?????? how dare u say that about my baby boy fuck you#like talk shit about me all you want i’ve been patient but say another word about filfil i will kill you
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I genuinely think people in medical school and doctors need to be forced to have socialization workshops every week so they don't have am excuse for treating their patients like shit
#doctors get such and inflated ego bc theyre doctors and use the fact that they were in school for so long as n excuse for mistreating ppl#they start to treat people like test subjects and not PEOPLE with lives and families and feelings#and medical shows always want to paint patients families as bad guys or in the wrong for pointing it out#'oh doctors are desensitized because its their job' i dont give a fuck#being desensitized to something doesnt mean you have to lose your sympathy and compassion#if i lose my grandma because doctors won't listen to a female cancer patient in her late 60s i will actually kill someone
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