#yourself to me !!!! theres nothing more i hate on this earth than literally anyone comparing themselves to me !!!

[transgaysex]

i have to get better at confrontation especially for the smaller things

[selfcareparker]

(lovely anon) ok so this may sound so dramatic but; let me paint you a picture: i’m responding to your latest message, sitting on the edge of the sofa. i type in “lovely anon” into the search and see this longgg post come up and i’m like uhhh... i scroll down and see the people you tagged and literally. when i saw @ lovely anon. i . cried . like full on tears. my brother goes “what are you doing” “she tagged meeeee” and he continued what he was doing and didn’t care LMAOO but i was so emotional? i love and appreciate you too and aAH IM CRYING!! you’re just really sweet and i didn’t expect it at all and it was really lovely to be a part of something :’)

the kermit pic sent meee but yes yes yes!! when you start uni let me know, lol i’m so excited for you!! let me know how it goes cuz i’m literally hype hahah & yes we will be in our sad corners of the world, missing england but you’re right it’ll be sooooo worth it in the end!!! and oH i’m glad you talk to them lol i truly thought you like haven’t seen them/haven’t spoken to them this whole time😭 that would’ve been awful!

also i totallyyy get what your saying about the english speaking thing. and idk why you’re insecure (well i *knowww* bc it’s not your first language and you’re studying it in college so yuh) but your english is great :)))

lol yeah that makes sense.. my mom took french in college and she remembers NOTHING HDJSHSJ (the fact that you wanna learn MORE languages i- ahh i so admire you.. you literally know so many languages🥺) yea i mean you know a bunch of languages bc you know the base of words lol, but i wonder if because you know latin it’ll be easier for you to learn french? oh- oh wait you said it’ll be easier HAHHAHA

THERES SO MUCH EXCITING STUFF TO TALK ABOUT HDGSJSJSL it’s so wild to me that you can’t watch chaos walking :( i’m a professional hacker tho so i’ll try and find a way for you LMAO (by professional hacker i mean i literally have gotten multiple free trials and i’m pretty sure the hulu police are after me bUT ITS THEIR FAULT BC WHY IS IT SO EXPENSIVE???) i mean the movie was good? and cute? and funny? but yea don’t think it’s gonna be the most fantastic thing haha AND THE DOGGO AWWW (i saw it again today- or my today lol, saturday, aND THESE OLD PEOPLE CAME AND SAT IN FRONT OF ME AND MY FRIEND LIKE ITS A LONG STORY LMK IF YOU WANNA HEAR IT)

SHARK FILMS?!?!! PLEASE READING THIS I HAD NO IDEA YOU WOULD LIKE SHARK MOVIES TOO FHSKSHSHDJDJGAJAYSJS ok so i haven’t seen any of the classics (i’m working on it) but i would probably watch jaws to laugh at it? not like that lmao but like comparing it. OKAY BUT HONESTLY I BARELY KNOW ANYONE WHO LIKES SHARK FILMS AHHH OKAY im adding “the shallows” to my watchlist bc it sounds super good AND SAME AHSJD ANY BODY OF WATER IN A MOVIE I JUST KNOW ITS COMING LMAO watch me not go in the water anymore after seeing that picture HHDJSJ

WHEN I READ THIS I JUST GOT DONE TALKING TO MY MOM ABOUT THE MEG AND THAT SCENE WHERE THE SHARKKK JUMPEDDDD AND ATE THE OTHER ONEEEE AND THEN JONAS HAD TO DO- bro i cannot (i think that one is my favorite because i love me a bit of romance and the subtle romance hAD ME) 47 meters down PHEW could you imagine?? i try not to think too hard about it i’m like “don’t be dumb catherine, don’t put yourself in a dumb situation” (not autocorrect having “dumb bitch” ready i am not lying) and i literally understand... there is no other way to explain 47 meters down

i CANNOT watch horror movies, can’t can’t can’t, i literally hate them i cannot do it!!! the thrill is tempting and it’s cool in the moment but i cant lmao. i don’t have nightmares about scary things (for the majority of the time) but going to sleep i’m like oooohhhhhh shit 🥲 literally what you explained

music !!!! music !!!! music !!!! (u ever write a word and now it looks weird lmao) MY BROTHER DOESNT LIKE MUSIC AND ITS SHIT IM LIKE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU- anyway, my music taste is all over the place i mean......... it’s crazy. earlier today i was listening to meghan trainor’s album “title” oUT OF NOWHERE, but just a few minutes ago i was listening to fall in love with me by earth wind and fire soooo lol .. megan is *chefs kiss*, i’m not familiar with stormzy🙈, harry styles.... IM SORRY IM THAT PERSON but i don’t listen to his solo music EEK i only listen to adore you... and not that frequently... the music video freaked me out... i like niall’s solo music a lot more, which i listen to a lot more. now. one direction. favorite. please & thank you. i have a playlist called “boy bands” and it consists of one direction and the vamps (obsessed with cherry blossom btw) but as you can see my taste is all over the place!! fr fr if i sent you what apple music has as my “favorites” it went from ariana grande to carrie underwood to glee (OBSESSED DONT LET ME TALK ABOUT IT) i mean please if you let me i will nonstop (hamilton HDJSH) talk about music all day😩 & NOOO UR MUSIC IS GREAT HAHSK IM NOT A BIG RAP PERSON BUT DOJA CAT IS MY FAVORITE!!

okay good, i’m glad :) i was just nervous that you did feel that way <3 and GOT IT HAHAJ healthy pressure is always good :’) my friend got me these pens cuz i love stationary and school supplies lol and was like “now you have to write something” soooo yea i feel that! and i saw you posted the ficcccccc literally so proud of you 🥺🥺 i’m trying to decide if i read it tomorrow or tonight..... sleep or a literal beautiful creation made by the sweetest person and is v v nice smut and college!peter and 4.7k...... sleep aint really calling no more.

GIRL ALL OF MY SENTENCES ARE TOO LONG HAHAHAH IN FACT THIS IS TOO LONG SOOO (also why am i 3 days late..😑) anywho it’s 1 in the morning so <33 lovely anon

🥰

oh my god the fact that you cried nearly made me cry too😭😭🥺🥺 (also, your brother LMAO), i wasn‘t even sure if you‘d see it but i immediately thought of you so of COURSE i included you <333

the hulu police lsjsjaiaik, girl i was ready to get a hulu membership when i wanted to watch big time adolescence and i couldn‘t find it anywhereee, and when i got to the payment it said i need a bank account that‘s based in the US or whatever. like bro i was about to pay you!! but i was forced to find it somewhere (and i did, on levidia,— not that i‘ve ever used it because it‘s illegal 😤 i would never!!! i‘d rather support billion dollar companies and spend my money on watching films that i can find for free 🥰🥰🥰 not

i‘ve found chaos walking online so i‘ll watch it som time this week!! also YES TELL ME THE STORY

okay so idk if you watched/are planning on watching falcon and winter soldier but i watched the first episode the other day and they were speaking french (just a few seconds) and I UNDERSTOOD SOME WORDS DLDJDJ and i was so proud of myself. i‘ve only ever learned french with duolingo lol (i only do like 5 mins a day and that‘s why i was so surprised that i understood some of it!!). and yeah apart from latin i feel like italian, german, french and english are all similar in a sense.. i mean obviously they‘re completely different languages but for example there are some grammatical constructions in french that i think i wouldn‘t understand if i only spoke english? so when i translate those things into english you can‘t directly translate them bc you say things differently, but when i translate them into german then it makes more sense to me. idk that‘s something i noticed so i feel like if you already know multiple languages it‘s easier to learn another language compared to if you only know one language and are trying to learn a second one. even if the languages aren‘t similar then i think you get the hang of it easier.

ikd slsjsjs also i don‘t want you to think that i‘m a linguistic genius or anything lmfao, like i‘m only fluent in english and german and i‘m just a wannabe (ew that word) polyglot sksj (yes i had to google polyglot— i do think learning ancient greek would be super cool tho? like imagine studying latin AND ancient greek, whew). and honestly i don‘t think i‘ll ever be fluent in another language bc i don‘t plan on living anywhere other than germany or possibly england and i‘m not dedicated enough to properly learn any other languages esp if i don‘t have anyone to speak the language with. but i still try my best and i just love language/languages as a whole so yeah i‘m happy & just learning as much as i can dkdjh🥰

(I guess language/linguistics are/is my passion (which sounds sooo lame lmaoooo) and the word passion comes from the latin word pati (i think💀) which means to suffer, and in german passion is called Leidenschaft which basically means suffering too, idk why i‘m telling you this maybe you know it already. but ok dumb fun fact, in german you can make compound words with as many words as you like, and the longest official german word is Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz which is a law for the monitoring of labels on beef... this is such a dumb fact but i think about that word like once a day idk why dodjsjsj so... 👁👄👁)

but i‘ll stop boring you with my linguistics talk because truly i don‘t know much about languages but i am interested omg i‘m gonna shut up now.

now water + sharks. (so in non-covid times i always go to croatia with my dad during the summer, and even before ever watching a shark film i was always kind of scared in water.. but after watching so many shark films wldjdj HELP Like you know when you go deeper into the ocean and you can‘t see or feel the ground/floor? anymore.. then i just start imagining sharks. like i can‘t help it i just imagine a shark sneaking up on me or feeling something graze my foot ABD I JUST START FREAKING OUT SSKJSHSJ. idk. anyway kdkdh i do love the ocean/swimming though but the older i get the more i realise how fucking scary the ocean is ( even if we’re gonna disregard sharks)

your brother... what‘s wrong with him? HOw CAN YOU NOT LIKE MUSIC LIKE WHAT THE FAWK

OKAY BUT SAME ABOUT THE ADORE YOU MUSIC VIDEO DLDKDJSJSKSLSLKSKSJSHSH and yeah i have to say harry’s style (styles lol) as a solo artist isn‘t reaaally my cup of tea, and i only like the popular songs from his second album and the first album is only good when i‘m in the right mood (haven‘t actually listened to it in a while though, but kiwi is one of my all time favourites along with only angel but i hate the start, like it takes 40 seconds to actually begin properly). i like mgk and because of him i watched the dirt which is a film about motley crue, and now one of my favourite songs ever is same ol situation and i‘m into rock now lol. +++ justin bieber. I had a justin bieber cardboard cutout thingy😭 i was the biggest Belieber on earth when i was 13-16, but i didn‘t like his last album and tbh he‘s become a bit weird lately, BUT OH MY GOD. i Listened to his new album yesterday and i‘m in LOVE with the song hold on

i really like niall‘s music toooo!!!! And doja cat 😌😌😌😌 And THE VAMPS OG MY GOD. i got to see them live bc they were the opening/support act for little mix and ajdsjskslslsjsjsj. (Also i love concerts, some of the best memories of my life are concerts, i‘ve seen nicki minaj live 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 and justin twice and my heart fills every time i think about how excited i was, it was my first concert ever (16th of September 2016 😌) and i was the happiest person alive seeing justin drew fucking bieber (even if i‘m not tooo sure about justin nowadays)

i have a confession? Idk what hamilton is. I mean I‘ve heard about it and i keep googling it but i‘ve never watched it (is it even a film???? or like a proper musical? also pls tell me you grew up with high school musical. i have a few friends who didn‘t and it makes me so sad 😭😭😭 hsm is the best thing to happen to my childhood , the sooooongs— i still listen to some of them every week or month lool they make me so happy)

(Okay wait i was about to recommend some stormzy songs but you said you‘re not that into rap so i won‘t dksksjl)

What you said about my fic AHSLSLSJB (i wasn‘t sure if you sent an ask about it earlier? idk that might have been someone else, so if it was (and you‘ve read it already) i hope you liked it sksjsj i was...... unsure about it. and i have this reeaaallly long peter fic that i started writing in december and that‘s the only peter thing i currently want to write but also i can‘t because idk how to continue kddjj.) but I’m definitely getting back into writing i have a few blurbs that i want to write so 🥰🥰🥰

Oh and pls as soon as you read this let me know: violet or yellow? (it‘s just a tiny thing for my new theme slsksj)

[facelessdreamer]

I hate that there’s

not enough time in the world to do everything.

Theres not enough hours in a whole day to do all things I want to do man. It’s sucks extremely. Everything’s just lined up and I wanna do all them things I can and want to do but I can’t because of me ultimately minus the other factors in life. It’s me. Now I have a job. Finally. But it’s taking up all my time even on my scattered couple days off I relax because it’s literally needed and it goes by so quick like my do nothing days. I don’t know how to go about it. How shall I do things? And what the fuck on Earth are these feelings man. Gotta find a way to pause them but it’s fucking relentless and the off buttons mia. There’s vibes at work, people everywhere, mindless heavy work and sad little me walking about making mistakes and fixing them and putting in work and talking to people without wanting to really and i just can’t tell if I’m putting up a front or not. I don’t know if that’s the jolly me I brag about and that I know myself as or if I just do it because I don’t know how else to behave but nicely and highly energetic and enthusiastically. Just honestly what the fuck do I do with all this life? Shit its 7 minutes past midnight. And it’s clicked. Happy fucking birthday to my ass. God I can’t say in words how this day coming around makes and has made me feel for months. The big ass bitchin 20. Idk why I’m complaining like it’s a fat three zero bc to most people my life’s just started. To me it literally really and truly is dooming and I hate the whole idea of it. When I was 17 I wanted it to last longer. When I was 18 I wanted it to be permanent. When I was 19 just moments ago I wanted to settle for it. I didn’t want to be an age I was no longer a teen. When you’re not that people expect you to act your age and it’s a serious thing then. It’s still expected at teen years but not as surprising bc your still in your adolescent years doing dumb and reckless shit. And yes I spent 19 doing just that. For multiple reasons going as me being a natural fuck up to just not caring with what ever I do to actually wanting to also do dumb shit. 18 was a good age to stay permanent because I was legally an adult and could accounting the law roam with a piece of ID and qualify myself as my own person. 17 was just a golden age to be. That was the mid point of comfort. Dumb and smart and old enough and young at the very same time. Immersing into adulthood yet equivalently latched to the past 16 years of innocent youth. As you get older youth stays but increases with some venemous symptoms. It is no longer sunsets and rainbows full of more laughter and ignorant bliss. It gets darker, wilder, mature, things like welcome to the real world, make do and diy. You start to get your hands dirty and make real messes out of things and be the people who are parents taught us not to be. We become the inevitable damage content of this world like every other adult who was also once young and carefree. We’re all so innocent then boom as we get older we become dangerous. Every age shapes us and makes us a version of ourselves we were once different to not long before. Mad that. We also become smarter each passing year so what makes us a danger is exactly that. We know what to do, how to go about things, we are sane and have sense and real firm control of our words and manoeuvres and with that we purposely cause problems even through subliminal moves. That is being older. Being an adult. It’s where “act your age” kicks at you. Bc you’re no longer futile and brainless. You’ve now officially become something artificial like anyone else is. Nothing new, nothing special. Just older.

I’ve said this before but I’m gonna say it again.. I tend to usually drift of topic and continue into a subject of something relative but not the point I should be sticking to. I always do this and I get more ongoing content out instead of what else I might have wanted to say regarding my original point. I jump from one thing to another and I can’t help it but at least I say things that are real right? Whatever comes to mind it just spills on here despite the point. That can be talked about if I remember it again or not

(00:20)

Rn I’m tired mixed with shitty feelings and watching some Justin timberlake movie on tele. (This is me coming back to say it wasn’t that great and dad pestered me to go up to bed so I never saw the end, wasn’t worth it then) God it’s always been forever when I come back to watch tv. It’s like I got to make time for it even though I don’t really. But when I want to it’s usually at night at a time like this and I hope anything is on from a good block buster movie down to anything like gogglebox even. Just want some of that tv nature to bring me back to something normal (I think I meant to say that as the reason idky it just got typed). I love tv or so I did. I barely spend time with the sofa and the big screen in front of me since I got lazy and sad over a year ago. Funny how among all the hundreds of interlinked factors does it shape a new lifestyle. Every facet of life and me and exisitance plays a harmless yet powerful game. It’s mad how I used to be not a year ago and how I am months down a line compared to the old me. It feels like years and years in between but it’s not. This is me. Everyday it’s a new me. Everyday I change exponentially with my moods and infiltration of hella sadness. I can’t get away from it. I’m immersed into this new me whose no longer definitive to the new term anymore. It’s quite old now but always the latest version seeing as I haven’t changed the persona of me since it came forward and consumed me. Let’s talk about consumption? Kay lets. Like I always say I know myself. Knowing yourself doesn’t mean shit to nothing else alive but to you. You’re a different you in every other mind of every pair of eyes that’s seen you. Even if it was a stranger walking by. They saw you. Mindlessly they saw you in mere sight and that’s it. Quick glance and take in of appearance or sometimes a little more with a minor thought upon you. You’re seen nevertheless as versions you will never know yourself and never of the version you really are. You don’t even know the real version of you. You only know most of you bc you know your interest and hobbies and things like that. Other people say won’t know all of that but only some and the way they see you because they’re literally outside of your body and seeing you through their eyes and not from your own mind. So yeah me knowing me I can’t say why I’ve allowed myself to get like this and be so caught up in feelings that are unpleasant and disturbing. My reasons would simply be things like bc I wanted to bc I didn’t care to close any doors I was meant to close in my head. Bc I wanted to be sad really. Bc I’m also alone but that’s minor bc I only figured that out recently. Other pointless reasons may occur too like not taking care when I really was being pushed to help myself but I don’t take growing hands. I have a problem with saying yes to things that’ll harmlessly benefit me. I just say no politely like don’t trouble yourself for me. Like I don’t want that. Who am I? I mean I know who I am and my worth. It’s fucking up there bro. But people don’t see me and shouldn’t see me as worthy of taking help. Like I can’t put it in words so I’ll give up on that. But my pint is I can’t justify in explaining as to why I say no to any simple help. A guy offer me a bag to carry two heavy bottles of coke? Na it’s alright really fast and I zoom out and away like what was the reason for a mini nervous breakdown and say no for? Am I okay? It’s really like I cba you should never have opened your mouth bc really and truly it would be a great help if these bottles can be bagged and carried instead of it cradled in my arms but I cba for the excerion. That’s it! Mental and physical effort. Like without even thinking this. It’s just a feeling and I literally can’t deal with that. So I automatically say no. I’ve gone off topic agains nd forgot my point smh

Next thing I wanna put out here is that my music hasn’t been very obliging past three nights. Two nights I dunno I didn’t even put in and sleep bc I really wasn’t for it them couple nights and I felt like it was causing my head to feel some way. So I left it and slept freely when the moment came. The third night and a night after also too which was last night I plugged in my earphones at some point bc I could not not do it, it being such a habit. It still wasn’t gratifying as it usually is. The music was fine and great with what played. I was entertained nonetheless but my body and head was more worked out and tired than the past three months and I’d been drinking and smoking so I feel that also defo had some affect and influence on whatever I was feeling. It wasn’t good I tell you that. Aaaaaand I keep waking up incessantly every morning for time now. I can’t even remember when there was a time I woke up feeling good. These days and last year I’ve been waking up not pleasantly. It’s always something man. Literally. I have no soul to exaggerate any of what goes on with me on here. Here lies the truth. My blog. My sweet pretty blog. So yeah I wake up and it’s an ache in my head, remnant music echoes which are fine but make me wonder am I causing something in me? Things like bad dreams and I have like 50 in one night and the bad ones make me unhappy as I wake. There also this weird weird feeling I get just as I’m waking and it’s one I really can’t explain. It’s so bad like I’m half way conscious and half way not at all awake. I’m literally both and I get this feeling, it’s heavy and I wouldn’t say painful but it causes some kind of light hurt? Idk but I feel it immensely and it does come to my attention in the moment and I am not okay as to why this happens many mornings of when I wake. Like after it is over not that I pay attention but it does go away and I am either gone back to sleep or have woken up somehow now I just am not happy bc of the wake. Like your/my wake literally matters. I don’t like these numerous sensations I feel in my moment of waking. I want to be woken with ease and calmness and slowness like just how a breeze comes pleasantly on a hot summers day. I wanna be woken softly and beautifully like that.

Okay I’m not done talking but I’m tired so gonna tap out now (02:59)