takingbackmybrain

[takingbackmybrain]

intrusive thoughts are created because they’re what you fear the most. they’re not what you’re going to do. they’re what you hate most of all. 

they’re not an indication of how evil you are. the only thing they indicate is what you’re most against. 

[takingbackmybrain]

recently I've been experiencing awful POCD and I just can't move past it, I just wish the thoughts would just LEAVE

It’s awful that you’re dealing with this and I’m so sorry. It can get better, though, I promise. Check out my resources, get professional help if you can, and please please don’t keep it to yourself. <3

[takingbackmybrain]

Self-Talk to Help End Obsessions

That thought isn’t helpful right now.

Now is not the time to think about it. I can think about it later.

This is irrational. I’m going to let it go.

I won’t argue with an irrational thought.

This is not an emergency. I can slow down and think clearly about what I need.

This feels threatening and urgent, but it really isn’t.

I don’t have to be perfect to be OK.

I don’t have to figure out this question. The best thing to do is just drop it.

It’s OK to make mistakes.

I already know from my past experiences that these fears are irrational.

I have to take risks in order to be free. I’m willing to take this risk.

It’s OK that I just had that thought/image, and it doesn’t mean anything. I don’t have to pay attention to it.

I’m ready to move on now.

I can handle being wrong.

I don’t have to suffer like this. I deserve to feel comfortable.

That’s not my responsibility.

That’s not my problem.

I’ve done the best I can.

It’s good practice to let go of this worry. I want to practice.

[takingbackmybrain]

If you don’t have means to a therapist or mental health professional

Check out therapistaid.com. There’s worksheets there that you can download for free.

Of course it would be a lot more beneficial if you have a therapist to help you through it but not everyone has access to one.

It’s a free site where you can have free downloads of worksheets on many things.

If there’s something there that you think would be helpful, print it out and complete the worksheet on your own.

It’s hard to be accountable for yourself but at least there’s a way for you to have some insight and work on yourself.

[takingbackmybrain]

A Few Resources

Hey, I know I haven’t updated in a very long time, but I want anybody who finds this blog to know that I’m still here and able to talk. I am not a replacement for a mental health professional, but I can offer support and a listening ear.

A few people have asked me what to do if treatment is not an option for them. I always recommend the book Brain Lock by Jeffrey M. Schwartz. The technique in the book is basically this: whenever you’re tempted to ruminate on an intrusive thought, tell yourself that you’ll do it after you finish a task. So if you’re reading a book when it happens, say, “I’ll put this to the side and think about it when I finish this chapter.” If you’re at school or work, say you’ll think about it at lunch. 

The length of time you can put it off depends on a lot of variables. It might look more like, “I’ll put it off until I take two deep breaths.” Then try to take two more deep breaths. And two more. Don’t think about how much longer you have to go, just think about the next two breaths.

This leads into the other tool that’s been a tremendous help to me, mindfulness. The book Calming Your Anxious Mind is what taught me about it, but this Steven Universe song also explains it pretty well, and it does it in three minutes. Basically, think of your thoughts and your anxieties as something that’s passing through your mind rather than something that’s a part of you. Acknowledge that it’s happening, then let it go.

Finally, The OCD Workbook has lots of tools that might be of help to you.

Good luck, and remember that your thoughts are not you, you have love and support, and you are worthy of it.

[takingbackmybrain]

I want you to listen to me very carefully, Harry. You’re not a bad person. You’re a very good person, who bad things have happened to.

[takingbackmybrain]

I had a message on this blog, but tumblr ate it before I could take a look at it. Whoever sent it, you mind sending it again?

[takingbackmybrain]

Every couple of weeks, I get a message from someone wanting to know if they have POCD. I'll be off tumblr for Lent (starting tomorrow and going until Easter), so I won't be able to answer those messages if they come. But I can tell you this: if you think you might have OCD, then you probably do. Not a single person who's talked to me has been a pedophile, at least not by my judgment. And regardless of your situation, if it's causing you significant distress, then it would be best to talk to a professional. (Remember that unless you are actually abusing a child, they're legally bound to confidentiality.)

[takingbackmybrain]

Tips for people with "Pure O" OCD

Pure O OCD is a very misunderstood (and, unfortunately, poorly represented) disorder. While many people with OCD suffer from compulsions that are acted out (through physical counting, utterances of phrases, compulsive washing, etc), people with Pure O generally tend to have mental compulsions. I’ve had Pure O since I was 14, and the worst of it was definitely the intrusive thoughts I suffered from when I was younger (which many people with Pure O suffer from at some point). Other obsessions that led to countless hours of rumination were a need for certainty over situations like school and dating (and acute terror when I couldn’t accurately follow a minute-by-minute “plan” for these) and an intense desire for stability. Thankfully, over the past year I’ve done a lot of growth and have learned to help stop the ruminations and obsessive thinking cycles. Since there aren’t many articles online that help with Pure O, I’d like to share my tips. I really hope that these help bring more peace into your life! :)

1. Allow yourself to make mistakes 

Part of my desire for certainty falls under a desire to decrease my anxiety as much as possible. I try to plan every action and decision out well in advance. Unfortunately, for many major life decisions and inherently uncertain things (like fledgling relationships, dating, and even family situations and friendships), it can be terrifying when I’m uncertain of where the future will lead. I’m prone to catastrophising and worrying I’ll cause something horrible with my ambivalence or indecisiveness. However, I’ve learned that going with the flow really is best. It makes life a lot more enjoyable! When you desensitize yourself to the idea of making mistakes, it actually helps decrease the anxiety surrounding these decisions. The anxiety that OCD sufferers feel tends to come in “spikes” associated with the obsessive thought or worry. (Please don’t just take it from me- neurobiologists at UCLA have done studies on this.) The more you desensitize yourself to these spikes and allow yourself to be at peace with uncertainty, the better you’ll feel in the long run. :)

2. Desensitization

In the vein of desensitization comes a great deal of relief for people who are prone to catastrophic thinking, like me. Humor really helps with OCD, and often it gives me a mindful perspective of the situation. For instance, when I used to drive over twigs in my car by accident, I would worry it was a cat or a small animal. However, in order to desensitize myself from these worries, I would purposefully make myself think of my most ridiculous fears and make a joke of them. For instance, I might think: “Yep, I totally ran over a cat, and I’d do it again. In fact, I’m gonna run over everyone on the road!” Obviously, I would never do this in a million years, but making your obsessive thoughts even more ridiculous can paradoxically help you get back into a realistic frame of mind. 

3. Practice Mindfulness

Oftentimes, I feel as though I’m a broken record player with my OCD. I worry about the “butterfly effect” that my thoughts will have on my feelings, relationships with others, and future. I worry about how my stress might affect my grades. It can be really terrifying, but learning to live in the moment is incredibly helpful. One of my friends taught me more about mindfulness. Instead of trying to block yourself from thinking these obsessive, worrisome, or negative thoughts, it’s beneficial to acknowledge them, but to also state that you won’t fuel them at the present time (you can schedule a worry period at the end of the day or week to address them— I usually allow myself fifteen minutes each Saturday, but I find I often don’t even need them now). For instance, if uncertainty over how I feel about a friend or my boyfriend (common obsessive worries for me) is causing me anxiety, I will say to myself, “Yes, I’m having this thought right now, and I’ll allow the anxiety to be there, but I’m not going to pay it attention. I’m going to exhale this thought, now.” This really helps me manage my anxiety- I used to be so nervous on dates because I was uncertain of my future with the guy that I would throw up, and now I can feel happy and enjoy myself on them! :)

I really hope these help. Please feel free to add your tips to this post! :)

[takingbackmybrain]

Same anon as before here again. I always try to make sure that I don't go to sites like that, but I didn't realize until very later that it was one. Now that I think about the picture, I realize she looked childish, but maybe it's just confirmation bias. At the time I thought she was 18 (Same age as me). Idk, I'm stressing out a lot about it, maybe I'm just overthinking it. I know I have POCD. Ugh, this sucks so much. But thanks for the help anyway.

You're definitely overthinking it. If you're a teenager and she looked like a teenager, then you're not a pedophile. I promise, you're okay.

[takingbackmybrain]

So the other day I was looking at hentai (anime porn) and I really liked it. I have done this before in the past but today I realized that one of the pictures that turned me on was meant to be a child. But I didn't know this, and after I realized it was a child I started to get disgusted at it. I had masturbated to it before previously. It wasn't a real girl and she looked of age. I'm so scared right now am I actually a pedophile?

If she looked like she was of age, then it wasn't her childishness that you were attracted to. Try to avoid doing this again, because you don't want to bring traffic to artists who draw porn of underage girls. But don't worry about being a pedophile. You're okay.

[takingbackmybrain]

Hi, i'm the anon that sent you that last message. I just talked to my therapist over the phone (I see him for ADD) and he told me that a lot of the problem came from me hyperfocusing on pedophilia. He said the reason I'm having this is because, possibily subconsciously, my greatest fear is hurting kids. I'm feeling a bit better after I talked to him, thanks for the advice!

I'm so glad you're doing better, anon, that's great to hear!

[takingbackmybrain]

www(.)psychforums(.)com/obsessive-compulsive/topic156198(.)html This is me, and I was wondering if there was any advice you can give me. I didn't get a response on it yet and I really need some help.

You said it yourself: "I've never felt like I wanted to have sex with a child, it honestly disgusts me."

What you're going through is definitely OCD. The way you're obsessing over it, the way it makes you anxious, the way you can't look at any child without getting uncomfortable, that's textbook OCD. Real pedophiles don't have the horrible obsessions that you do. Please talk to your parents about getting a therapist. I wish you all the best.

[takingbackmybrain]

The best advice I can give anybody here is to seek professional help. I know how healing it can be to share your story with anyone at all, and I encourage you to share your story on this blog if it helps you. But I'm a 21-year-old college student, and the extent of my knowledge on mental illness comes from personal experience and an AP Psych class I took in high school. There's only so much I can do. So please, PLEASE, if you think you're struggling with OCD or any other mental illness, and it's at all a possibility for you, talk to a professional.

(If you're a college student, most schools offer free counseling. It's not always the best quality therapy, but it's something, and they'll refer you to a more heavy-duty psychologist/psychiatrist if they think you need it. I highly recommend taking advantage of those resources.)

[takingbackmybrain]

Hi, I was online researching some questions I had about my own thoughts and POCD sounds EXACTLY what I have been experiencing. That's how I found your blog. I wanted to share my story & hear your opinion, bc u seem know better than I do about the topic. Here goes: When I was 7 I was molested the 1st time (forced to give and receive oral sex from my halfbrother on multiple occasions) and then again at 8, when a staff person at school touched my "boob" (I was a chubby girl & developed early)(cont)

Warning for pedophilia, molestation, suicide, and self-harm

After being molested the 1st time, I didn't tell anyone. I then went on to molest my cousin 2 years younger than me (I was 8, she was 6) on multiple occasions as well. We were caught one day, she was spanked and I was beaten brutally with belts, spankings, and sandal slaps to the face repeatedly, by both her mother and mine. I was terrified & didn't understand why I was being punished bc my abuser explained these sexual acts as "learning something new." He made it sound like a good thing. The second time I was molested, I panicked almost immediately. I was terrified bc by then I'd learned that that was a "a very bad, horrible, thing to do." I told my dad the next day and we went to the school together. After that, it took a couple weeks but the person was fired. (but not before rumors started spreading that he'd done the same to another girl as well, mind you.) The odd part about being punished by my mom was that she never asked where I'd learned the behavior from.BC no one asked, I never shared where or how I'd learned those things. About a 1&1/2 ago I broke down and confessed to a family member what had happened. They told my parents, and bc my secret was already out, I decided to confide it to my therapist. (I'd been seeing a therapist already bc of cutting and multiple suicide attempts, but for different reasons at the time.) I spent a few months in trauma-focused behavioral therapy (5 years of therapy all together) and was discharged. I was in regular behavioral therapy & group sessions from ages 12-early 17 and trauma focused up until I was almost 18. This is the time when I started to notice the sexual thoughts of children. I think it is bc the therapy made me basically relive & retell the events, so I thought about my own abuse constantly. I would look at kids and think "aren't they sexy, don't you want to touch them?" & childrens faces would sometimes come to mind when masturbating, causing me to stop out of disgust. Since these thoughts were occuring around the same time as my therapy, I shared them with my therapist. She didn't have a diagnosis or reason to offer me, but she tried to assure me that if I kept up the trauma-focused therapy it would help deal with almost all aspects of the sexual abuse, including these thoughts, which she (rightly, I think) assumed were a direct result of having been molested. It helped me feel less bad about myself, but the thoughts still ate at me. I've had the thoughts for about 2 years now and up until recently have dealt with them to the best I could've without therapy. However, I did make a note that when I wasn't taking my prescribed 20mg's of daily Prozac, they would come overwhelmingly, along with my anxiety and depression. That's how I started to think it might be a mental disorder. I figured if it was reoccurring with my other mental illnesses, it must be a mental illness as well. So one day I started looking up some mental illnesses that related to obsessive/reoccurring/unwanted/intrusive thoughts. I found the definition of OCD & more specifically POCD fit me down to a T. I have the thoughts, I recognize that they are wrong, and don't feel any real sexual attraction to children, but rather a constant sense of worry and fear bc of my thoughts. Another symptom is that I constantly find myself doubting the disorder, that I'm just looking for excuses for myself. (I don't know if I'd mentioned this earlier bc these messages have gone on for about 20 mins now so sorry if this is a repeat but:) I have cut, burned, contemplated, and attempted suicide on multiple occasions (most recently cutting yesterday) bc I am currently off of the prozac and the thoughts are very bad. I know that I would rather be dead than ever hurt a child the way I was hurt. Even still, I am already ashamed bc I already did hurt someone when I was a child. For what I did to my cousin, I feel I still be hurt, cut, and in pain. I think these thoughts are god punishing me for what I did. My self hatred has also escalated after seeing tumblr's hate for Lena Dunham- a self admitted childhood predator. Which is the reason I haven't sought help, bc I know I will be condemned. I see people wishing her in jail & dead & knowing I also sexually abused someone as a child, I know I am in the same boat. Having found what I think is an accurate diagnosis, along with this blog with people who seem to experience similarly, I feel a little bit better and like less of a horrible person. Now that you know my story, I would like to have your input on whether or not you think I have POCD. If so, what should I do about it? I don't think I will stop cutting bc I still need to pay for what I did to my cousin, but aside from that, do you have advice? Thank you for reading!!

First of all, you do not, I repeat DO NOT need to keep punishing yourself for what you did to your cousin. You were a child and didn't know that what you were doing was wrong. The problem with Lena Dunham isn't that she abused her sister when she was too young to know it was abuse. The problem is the way she wrote about it, as an adult, as thought it were something funny. Please don't keep punishing yourself. I understand the crushing guilt you feel; I've felt it too. But the guilt is a part of the mental illness. When I thought I was a pedophile, I would compare myself to people who had done much worse things with me. I would read what people had to say about them, and assume that they would have the same things to say about me. I internalized that hatred so much that I thought about suicide on a regular basis. The only thing keeping me was the fear of hell, and the fear of being remembered as a victim instead of a monster. But I swear to you, this is the illness talking. You do not deserve to be in jail, you do not deserve to be dead, you do not deserve to suffer. You said yourself, you thought that what you were doing was normal, because your abuser taught you that it was. It's a horrible thing to happen, but it's your abuser's fault, not your own.

I think the best thing for you to do would be to go back to therapy and get back on medication, if that's at all an option for you. Maybe look for a therapist who specializes in OCD and anxiety disorders. I'm happy to listen to your story, but as someone who's not a professional, there's only so much I can do. The right therapist and the right meds have made all the difference in the world for me (A year ago I was suicidal; now I don't even have intrusive thoughts most days), and I hope it can do the same for you. Please keep me updated. I'll keep you in my prayers.

[takingbackmybrain]

I feel like I might have pocd but I'm afraid that if I tell my mom she'll think I'm overreacting. Any tips for telling her?

Sorry for taking so long to respond to this. I obviously don't know your mom, so I don't know how she'll react to you telling her, but OCD brains do tend to imagine the worst-case scenario. Keep that in mind. She probably will take it better than you think. Tell her you've done some research, and you think your symptoms match the description. Maybe keep a few articles handy in case she wants to have a look. (I can point you towards some if you like.) And tell her that even if your self-diagnosis isn't correct, whatever's going on is causing you significant distress, and you think it might be good for you to see a professional. Good luck. <3

[takingbackmybrain]

When you hear “OCD,” you probably think about a serious anxiety disorder with physical compulsions, or about how wacky you are for wanting to keep your bookshelf alphabetized, depending on your level of knowledge. But there’s another, more obscure form, known as Primarily Obsessional OCD, which can give you strong, repetitive urges to murder your loved ones. Not quite as cute and approachable as Monk, is it? Lydia was diagnosed with it as a teenager. Here’s what she’s learned in the years since.

5 Realities of Life When Your Brain Wants You to Murder