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talkietalk-blog1 · 5 years

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2/11/2019 - Big Fat Depression Thoughts CW:Suicidal thoughts

Hi. Having a bad night, currently 5am, and some thoughts came into my head.

Choice is an interesting concept. Choice is a virtue we crave and seek out regularly, from mundane actions like buying food to more significant decisions, like if we should continue to talk to family. Choice is power. We seek out choice because we, as a group of animals, are aware that we exist, we can reflect and are aware of what we take, what we can give, and what we have done. One thing we are not able to choose, and we know this, is our existence. All of a sudden, we are thrust into existence, screaming and crying. We don't get a say in this. Similarly, we don't get a say in how we are brought up, what values we own, how we live and how we are educated. We are brought into a cruel, painful and uncaring world by people we don't know, how then go on to raise us, teach us, tell us what to do, and then eventually go on to die and leave us all alone with no regret over their choice to bring life into the world.

Because of these factors, we cherish the ability to have choice. We reach and grasp at minute things we can control, to make us feel more powerful than we actually are, because ultimately, observing the bigger picture, we have no choice. We have no say in the being of our existence, but we can have a say on things we feel we are able to control, and this gives us power. If we assert our views onto others, our children for example, and instil our views into them, for example our views on ethnicity or gender, then we feel we can influence them, and as a result, we can control them and how they see, and, as a ripple effect, have that child's skewed views go on to affect other children through learned racism or sexism from our parents. Through this, our children then have perceived control over those people, and thus creates this familial structure of power, of control, to substitute for our real lack of power over the world. We seek to control others, remove their autonomy, so as to give ourselves more power, to make up for the fact that we are completely useless in this world.

What things do we really have control over? What can we realisticly do in this life that matters. The way I see it, very little. Our social standing is pre-determined by our parents and what circles they move in; our economic standing depends on how wealthy our parents are; our life experiences when we are younger depends on the area we live in, if it is safe to walk around without fear, and if we are able to attend school; our future depends on encouragment from our parents and how hard they push us if they do at all; our physical health depends on the genetics of our parents, and if we live in healthy, safe, unpolluted areas, all of these depending on external factors. So, so many things in life, we have no control over. We are helpless.

So, what can give us power? As members of humanity, how do we gain power? Persecution of others is one option. To make ourselves feel more fulfilled, we put down, mock, hurt, hunt, murder, and isolate people. We also seem to gleam more power through this method if it is carried out in our immediate area. If you live in a white neighbourhood as a black person, for instance, damn right people are going to target you. People who are "different" to the rest of general society are seen as some sort of enemy. They are seen as removing elements of control and familiarity from "regular" lives. In what would be an otherwise completely controlled environment, carefully constructed for safety from things that are different and scarey, full of similar looking, sounding and acting people; suddenly comes a foreign element, something unfamiliar, something that scares us, that makes us fearful that they will take away our own autonomy and ability to do and say certain things. They worry that their autonomy will be threatened by something they don't understand, and don't even want to understand. This "fear" is born of ignorance and obliviousness, through a lack of care, and emotions of disdain for the greater world around them. They hold general hatred of the sentiment of compassion. These people who hold views like this are people who just don't feel like they should have to care about other people; unless they look, sound and act close enough to themselves, well then they can pretend to care. This worldview is a favourite of white conservatives who like to think they have all the power and control, who surround themselves with white suporters, so a bubble of oneness and similarity is created. Power is felt with those that feel they can control those around them, and will seek to surround themselves with people as similar to themselves. This is because we feel people that are similar to us are like us, and that they must have similar fears, doubts and hopes. If you know those things, you can exploit them.

So, this is taking power away from other people, and this can give percieved "power". Discrimination, assault, murder, deprivation of quality-of-life, limiting success, preventing autonomy in others, this is a priviledge some put upon themselves, and use it to get one over on their peers. Teachers do this in abundance, mocking children who step out of the pre-determined line makes them feel powerful; punishing children gives them a real rush. Similarly, the police use this approach. Limiting peoples' freedoms, arresting based on a 'hunch', targeting minorities based on prejudice, police brutality, all of these factors mean that the police are seen to be one above the rest of society on the pecking order. And above them, their employers, the state, who control the police and make sure people don't think or feel for themselves, also ensure people do not express themselves. The state are seen to have a majority of control, because in this role as a lawmaker, you get to control the police, the whole of society, the education system, availability of resources and wealth, and so on. It is seen as a virtue to be in a position of power, everyone wants to get there; everyone just wants to be in control of life, their life and others. This all stems from a sense that life is uncontrolable, so people seek out to control others in anyway possible. The more things people can control, the more they seem to be IN control. However, this is just not the case. There is no balance of "me taking their power equals more power for me", life will always be just as uncontrollable for all peoples, regardless of how much you spew hatred or murder trans people.

So, what can we do to gain control of our lives? Other than creating dangerous and harmful environments for other members of humanity, there is little that we can do to increase our percieved autonomy and power. The only thing we can realistically do to give ourselves more power is to take away our power, to deny power and control.

In one such as myself, when I see so little control over my life, the one thing I could do to increase my power and autonomy would be to die. As we cannot choose if we are brought into this world, how we live, how we socialise, rather than letting death be one of these inevitable and uncontrollable factors, one can gain some semblance of control, and choose when to die. Death on one's own terms, is one the few things we can do to regain control in a pre-determined world. Taking this action to end one's existence in this place, actually being able to choose to take action and have power that has been so fleeting before, this is why suicide appeals to people who are truely stuck, powerless and hopeless. It calls to people; death reminds us that all this pain and lack of power can be all over, and choosing to act on that can be the one thing to make a person feel right again.

The act of suicide is one thing that can give us power over a powerless life.

In leaving life, one gains freedom. Freedom from pain, loss, hatred, hurt, all these things are no longer powerful to us. Suicide is something that can be a person's only way out of life. Suicide is something I think about most days. Why I don't act, I don't know. But I am aware that it is an option, should things become too much, too harmful and hateful.

As much as I hope to get better, I genuinely think that suicide would just be a kinder act for myself, rather than attempting to persist in this world. We will all die eventually. Why should it not be of our own choice.

I don't feel much hope or love, but I do long for something. Anything, sometimes. Oh well.

Ara

#mental health #honesty #blog #suicidal thoughts

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talkietalk-blog1 · 5 years

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30/10/2019 - Hi there

If you're reading this, hello, I hope you are well. This is my Tumblr page. Never had one before, and in regards to format, frequency, how to do things, I haven't a clue. This page is just going to be for me to express how I am feeling, and I think I will do that on, for now, terms that feel most comfortable to me.

So, introductions. My name is Ara. I am 20 years old, I live in England, the United Kingdom, and I am white. I identifiy as a Non-Binary person, and my pronouns are they/them. I was AMAB (Assigned Male At Birth). I am part of the LGBT community, along with this. I am Pansexual, as well as Demi-Sexual. These terms are ones that I identify with, and feel comfortable within. I will likely get into greater depth with this later on, as with most other matters here, for this is just for a preparitary intro.

This is a part of my identity. While it does not define me, it helps me clarify concepts, like "me" into more comfortable segments. Another part of my identity is my mental health.

My mental health, again, does not define me, but managing it consumes much of my time on this Earth. I have had around 4-5 years experience with my (poor) mental health, first starting with thoughts that I probably had anxiety. Today, I have seen a few mental health specialists, way fewer than I would like to have seen, but nonetheless, I feel like I have been batted between specialists back to GPs, back to the mental health service, then off to the crisis section after really bad days. I have had a few diagnoses; again, some doctors palmed me off, others wanted to help, so I have some really naff so-so diagnoses. As of now, I have clinical depression and anxiety, possibly cyclothymia (I display traits of cyclothymia appaently, but not enough to be properly diagnosed, I guess?). I also have been (pending further time with a doctor) diagnosed with fibromyalgia. While this is actually a physical condition, it can greatly affect my mental health, and can debilitate my mobility to the point of despair. This condition basically consists of general joint pain, but can accumulate at major joint sites, and cause great pain in the form of stiffness, grinding sensations, locking, stabbing pains, and sometimes I just can't move thanks to it. This one gets to me semi-regularly, because of how hard it affects me. Sometimes, the pain is manageable, other days, I can't walk without aid, and usually won't bother trying to move.

My depression, anxiety, cyclothymia etc., will be the primary focus of my posting here; my ongoing experiences with mental health. As much as I can try and treat it with meds, it isn't going anywhere. It is a part of me as much as my limbs are. While they can be subdued, I basically know that I won't "grow out of it", and that I need to accommodate it into my life. My experiences with myself will be what I will be posting about here.

As well as me shouldering mental health, I also greatly struggle with my identity. What will become another aspect of this page, who I actually am is something I have never truely known. In a search for answers, I am better off now than I was, say, two years ago, but I know there are various aspects of my life I am miserable with. For instance, one manifestation of this is my complete lack of self-worth. Going back to even when I was much, much younger, I have been aware that I don't think particularly highly of myself. From daily thoughts of suicide, to simply "I shouldn't be here"s, it can often become me, surround me, and I can focus of nothing else, other than how appealing it would be to abandon all my friends and family, responsibilities, payments, aspirations, and just sit in a ditch waiting for my time to come. Even as recently as one year ago, I went through a strong and uncomfortable episode where I thought all my friends were just there to pity me, they didn't really like me, they despised me, I was stealing their time and energy, and I was just a drain on society. As a result of that, I basically purged all my friends from my life. The closest of friends who I still love and miss greatly, I pushed away and abandoned, thinking that their time would be better spent with literally anyone else; even if they spoke to no-one, at least they wouldn't need to deal with me. Now, I still cannot bring myself to talk to any of them, bar one person, who I have tried really hard to contact again, through forcing myself to be social, against every ounce of me screaming not to, I thought I should at least try and explain myself, even to just one friend. They are a really nice and understanding person, but I still believe they are only in contact with me out of pity.

Other aspects of my identity issues is a lack of understanding of who I am. I don't really know that much about me. It is less of an issue of where I belong, moreso how I belong. Pretentious as that may sound, I just really don't know as whom I should be living my life. I am contantly doubting and second guessing myself about what I am doing with myself, that I just sort of give up trying sometimes. How can I be happy in this life when I know so much makes me so sad? When will I be happy, and where? Will I ever be able to live comfortably in my self, in this body? Should I change? If so, how much? Questions like this pile-drive my skull into the floor, to the point where I just give up and try and go to bed so I can sleep off some of that anxiety. I would ideally like to see a councellor about these issues, but I just cannot afford to see one. I am currently not in work, and my current mental health prevents me from being able to work.

As well as a general councellor, I would really like to be able to visit a gender identity clinic. As with my other identity issues, I have gender identity issues as well. I have been able to work with myself to a point where I feel happier than I have done in the past, but I would really benefit from seeing a professional about it. I know that I am Non-Binary, and I do not feel I align with the gender I was assigned at birth, but I really do not know how far this goes. I know, while I am happier with they/them pronouns, I still don't feel like that is all there is. I feel like there is more for me to say on that front. Could my identity reach further than it does right now? Could I perhaps be experiencing something akin to gender dysphoria/dysmorphia? I really don't know. In asking questions like these, with my lack of self-knowledge, I in no way wish to play down or undermine the experiences others have had with these conditions. Everyone has had a personal and different journey with what they consider "themselves". In asking these questions, I just really want to find out who I am, why I feel so unhappy and uncomfortable in who I am, and it is a possibility that they might be one answer. At the same time, I am no expert, and this is why I would like to see an expert, to properly be able to take stock on myself with someone who knows what they are talking about, and try to get some answers. I just want to make sure I do not undermine anyone else's experiences just because I am refering to myself personally. Every person and their personal experience with mental health, with identity, with gender, is unique and valid. My feelings about how I identify were pushed deep, deep down for a long time while I was in Sixth Form, thanks to the homophobic/transphobic people that surrounded me in that time, where people I would have once called my friends, not only bullied me into not talking about how I felt about matters that I needed support with, they would bring it up at times to intentionally make fun of me infront of other students I did not know, and then beat me back into submission. I would even have people I didn't even know coming up to me saying, "so you're gay?", "so do you think you're a woman then?", and invasive questions to that effect. I have no issue answering questions people have about me, but I feel a bit uncomfortable when a stranger seems to think they have the right to know personal information on me when they are a complete stranger. Anways, after my later school experiences, I am now asking these questions of myself, perhaps one day hoping to have these questions answered, so I am no longer at odds with myself, and I can comfortably feel at peace with myself.

Alright then. For as far as I can think, that is pretty much me in a Tumblr post written at 5am. Of course this is not exhaustive, and I will talk about certain issues when they affect me, but for now, this feels as suffice a summary of "me" and why I want to write as I can give.

I suppose, thank you for reading. This is a little alien to me, putting myself out there so descriptively, but if I can get some things off my chest during what would be an otherwise painful day, then I would be happy. I kind of hope people see this, and that I am not just shouting into the internet void, so that perhaps someone else's experiences with mental health, gender etc., can feel validated, and that they are not alone. If you are reading this and do struggle with any of these issues, or even just struggle with life and its challenges in general; hello. I acknowledge you, and you are valid. Your experieces are real, and they matter. No one should be made to feel alone. And as alone as I may feel right now, this, getting things off my chest, and even the slightest prosect that this might help someone realise that they are not completely mad in a sane world, that makes me feel a little better.

I would like to try and end these posts a a more positive and perhaps optimistic note, even if just to try in some vain attempt to encourage myself to keep on going. Similarly, I think it would just be a nice little message to anyone who does end up reading this. So, lets try this:

Thank you for reading, I hope you have a good day.

With love and hope,

Ara

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