tanzcoree

[tanzcoree]

i hope i don’t wake up, or at the very least, not with this gut wrenching pain

[tanzcoree]

where do i take this pain?

how do i handle it?

how do i continue living like this?

how does people overcome pain like these?

thought home would fix something, or, the least, would help forgetting it all

but I’m back at square one, worse, even

the heartache, the disgust, the hatred, the panic, the pain just won’t go away

how many do i need to cut myself to feel better?

how many times do i need to take bath to forget it?

how many times do i need to tell myself it was not my fault?

how many times will that scene replay and haunt me? how long will this haunt me?

how do i stay alive like this?

i might die

death would be better than this for whatever this is, these feelings? These aren’t mine, they can’t be, are they? are these mine?

how do you feel and feel and feel but never move forward?

how do one just forget it all? how do i move on? How do i fucking move on, you monster?

did i deserve that? Do i deserve any of this?

I just wanted a friend, how will I ever be able to go back to normal with any of my guy friends when the lingering fear will keep reminding me of you?

How does one be okay with it and smile it off?

When did i get so good at pretending? How do i let all of this out and just let it go altogether because this pain might be the death of me, i dont how to breathe. I’ve forgotten it, i suppose this is what you wanted.

I hope you rot in hell.

[tanzcoree]

this sadness

this feeling of emptiness

this game of pretend

this play where I need to act happy and perfect or the facade will break

the curtains will be open wide

my wounds would be bare

the pain would be out

the hurt would be visible

the misery would be too much

how do i hide it?

I’m trying

I really am

It was my mistake

A mere touch of a man had me flinching today

How does one move on from that?

How does one get used to men talking to you? When all they have ever done is inflict harm?

I used to wonder, why do some women hate men so much?

I understand, oh, I understand

I wish I didn’t but I do

How does one move on? How does one wake up one day and accept what happened, happened, and that it was not their fault? It was that man’s fault, not mine.

How does one erase that touch?

How many times do i need to clean myself to get his touch off my body, my mind?

How does one act like nothing happened and talk to other guys like they’re not predators hiding in the grass, waiting for the lamb to come in sight, a little near, then jump and devour them?

How do I differentiate one’s touch from yours?

How will I ever touch another human being?

Men destroy everything.

I used to think my sexual orientation was inclined towards women because I was once touched by one, it’s twisted, it’s so twisted I feel like throwing up right now. But being touched by a man? A friend? How does one survive this? How do people just continue with their lives with the weight of being a victim?

I am not a victim. I can’t be a victim.

Why? I wonder why? I will keep wondering why you did that and what I will keep thinking about is how many girls played along with you to be so confident to push me against the wall and laugh in my face like nothing happened? Or wait like a fucking predator to hold me from behind when i did nothing but trust you these last ten years over everyone else.

It was my mistake. Yes, the fault was all mine for you were a monster whom I fed and let grow on me.

[tanzcoree]

I feel so dirty i scrubbed myself yet the lingering touch won’t go away

[tanzcoree]

was it my fault that i trusted you?

was i the problem when i believed you?

was i the issue when i didn’t question before entering that abandoned room?

was i the crazy one when i said i was afraid?

was i the stupid one when i feigned my fear by laughing?

was i at fault when i pushed you?

what was my fault? that i trusted you or that i went into that room without thinking much?

what did i do to deserve this? couldn’t you see how uncomfortable your touch made me? How could you? You were a friend, a dear one at that.

i hate myself, if i were even a bit smart i wouldn’t have gone. I would still be okay, we would still be friends.

You didn’t even realise, you didn’t look at my face twice before manhandling me and pulling me, how could you, of all people, touch me? Why why why

What did i do? What was my fault?

Obviously i was the stupid one when i decided to walk into that room, obviously i was the problem when instead of pushing you away being angry i laughed and begged you to let me go. Obviously it was my fault. I hate you. Our friendship is over and you dont even know about it.

Today yet again i was reminded that I’m a dumb girl who trusts too much and let things slide, a pushover. It wasn’t the first time yet why does it hurt all the same.

[tanzcoree]

a child born in war doesn’t understand the very roots she sprouted through came from hatred, the child doesn’t understand the joy and victory yells, she keeps looking somewhere, far, no one understands, what is she looking at? the mother doesn’t dare utter a word for it’ll only be the war cry, the cry she learnt when she saw her husband wrapped in the flag of their beloved land, martyred. She is a proud woman, she is, but what is she supposed to tell her child who keeps looking at the corner seeing her father waving his final goodbye for how could he leave without greeting his baby. People celebrate the victory, celebrate the war, but here she is, left looking for her father in the spot she saw him for the first and the last time. Poor people die of hunger, soldiers fight for their country and leave with their heads held high, I wonder if they ever regret it? I don’t think they’re even given the privilege or time to rethink their decisions. They die and the war continues for an eternity and we all fall victims to it while people sitting above enjoy their lives. War will be the end of humankind is all one could say but fighting for ourselves comes from the very roots of this land, dharma. We must follow our dharma.

[tanzcoree]

I thought i had let go of this constant urge to ki/l myself but it’s..

[tanzcoree]

this sadness residing inside me needs to go away, how long am i going to carry this guilt, this pain with me? i have had just enough, i dont think i can do this anymore. Im choosing to give up for good. I’m not going back. Im fine with the way i am, alone. I think it’s the best for me and for everyone else too. Thinking about things have led me nowhere but misery so i must forget all of it too, like half of my childhood maybe then I’ll feel a bit better?

[tanzcoree]

one would think i care but honey if i stop caring i really do, you saying mean things is really not gonna cut it, you can obviously convince yourself but thats all you can do because im out of this I’m done playing games at the expense of my health. Im out.

[tanzcoree]

i miss you a little more than usual today, life was not very kind to you was it? Hope you’re happy there in heaven, i like to believe you’re up, there, in heaven, happy, with amma ji. Hope you both are happy, finally. I am sorry for i was never a good granddaughter, you had too high of hopes from me, I’m not half the person you used to think i was, i wish to become one, even one fourth of it, someday. Hope i get there. I miss you. I love you. I love you alot, i loved you and I’ll love and miss you for the rest of my life. Sorry for everything. I wish i did better, i wish i had behaved a bit more kinder towards you because you deserved the world. You loved me alot didnt you? I hope you keep showering your love from above as well. I hope you look upon me and feel proud someday because all that i am today is because of you. I miss you so much. I love you. I wish we had hugged while you were here. I wish you’d stayed, i wish we had more time, i wish i had sat with you more, i wish that night of 10th December wasn’t the last night we had last met. I wish, i wish and i wish. I wish things had played out differently, i wish i could give you my years so you could live more and see me becoming a doctor. I wish, oh, how i wish i could turn back time and give you the happiness you deserved so much. Thank you for being my baba ji, i hope i meet you in all the lifetimes i come here as a human. I wish to see you someday, I’ll hug you and tell you how much you really mattered. I love you. You’re loved, you’re missed.

[tanzcoree]

im tired.

im tired of all of this, this miserable feeling in my heart, in my soul that never goes away.

i have been here, i have been through this, i have seen you and i have seen all of you, ever so hurtful, ever so thoughtless.

maybe, afterall, i indeed am the problem, must be it, for why else would everyone be so cruel.

what have i done to deserve this misery, to feel too much, to care too much, not being strong enough to let go because really, im done. Im done making amends. Im done fixing things i didn’t break, im done seeing people happy/continuing with their lives as i suffer in silence, as i suffer to utter even a single word out because then I’ll be too much, I’ll say too much, I’ll hurt them.

I’ll be the villain again.

Maybe i AM the villain.

[tanzcoree]

on days like this I’m reminded I’m your offspring afterall, how could i ever love someone when i haven’t known it all my life.

The moments pass by me as i sit here by the window, looking at myself in the reflection, the person i dont recognise anymore.

Im reminded of my true self whenever I’m angry, disappointed or sad because i see you more than myself. You’ve wretched me, you’ve destroyed me, you’ve made a monster, and I’m guilty for i have fostered it my whole life.

Fuck me for being sk self aware because i see you yet i fail to take it out and dispose off like i should have a long time back.

I love you, love you all so much, but I hate for Ive become the same, Ive followed you all on your footsteps and have become this monster who doesn’t deserve love, not in this lifetime.

Goodbye for I have lost to myself.

[tanzcoree]

love them sm

I swear they're gonna be the death of me. I also have to say i love the concept of Toto as a motherly support figure for Ron

[tanzcoree]

new year, same old habits

i wonder if you look at me and wonder how broken i really am, maybe you do know what's going on in my life but you're too busy to let it show

you're scared I'll be diagnosed and it'll become too real

then you won't be able to play your little tricks on me

I think you love me because I'm your daughter, not as a person, not like a human loves another human being.

you look at me with disgust sometimes, you're not so good at masking, are you? always playing the victim, always blaming me for destroying your life.

but what about me? what is going to fix this? who is going to fix me? what will happen to MY family, away from you, what about them? I'll pass onto this mental illness onto my children, which I don't even wish to have, because, what if I'm the same as you? what if i destroy their lives like you did mine? what if this sorrow stays for my entire lifetime?

i see a glimpse of you every time I'm angry, you've left your prints on me, I can never brush them off. never apologising, never helping, never kind, how were you raised? with hate?

people say you must be beautiful when you're made from love but i was made on the barren grounds of hate and resentment, a mistake, that's what you called me.

when I get out of here, I hope I never recall these feelings, these miserable days, may I get to live the life I deserve and not feel obligated to invite you in it, because the person I want to become must be from my own hard work not your actions.

[tanzcoree]

omg😭

rontoto confession time (based on this post)

[tanzcoree]

wishing it was me in place of that boy, wish I'd died instead of him

[tanzcoree]

this habit of mine to please everyone has to go, I couldn't deny how I'd feel uncomfortable going in there with people I don't even talk to because the disappointment that would follow would be too much for me. When will I ever set boundaries?