teedos

[teedos]

“I thought leaving you would be easy, just walking out the door. But I keep getting pinned against it with my legs around your waist and it’s like my lips want you like my lungs want air; it’s just what they were born to do. So I am sitting at work thinking of you cutting vegetables in my kitchen. Your hair in my shower drain. Your fingers on my spine in the morning while we listen to Muddy Waters. I don’t know why I’ve got so much hope pinned to someone who will never call me home, but the way you talk about poems like Marxists talk of revolution, it makes me want to keep trying. In the mornings, in my shower drain, in the music, in the walk out the door. I am looking for reasons to love you. I am looking for proof that you love me.”

— October, Clementine von Radics

[teedos]

“I’d stand in the shadows of your heart and tell you I’m not afraid of your dark.”

— Andrea Gibson

[teedos]

Sometimes you have to dare to love

No matter how many times you’ve had it thrown in your face

Dare to be open, no matter how many passers by have come and trampled on your hopes and dreams

You have to dare to want

No matter how much you’ve lost already

Forgive the memories that continue to hold you hostage

Allow space for them to exist without making them your story

You are so much more than the sum of all the goodbyes you’ve collected along the way

More than the receding footsteps echoing in your heart

You are everything they left behind

Understand, they never were strong enough to carry you

And forgive yourself for wanting them to be

[teedos]

grieving the person you used to be

marian keyes// ?// bigger than the whole sky, taylor swift// fiona apple// @inkskinned// would've, could've, should've, taylor swift// father, the front bottoms// @inanotherunivrse// ?// memento mori, crywank// @dakotajohnsongf// @ryebreadgf// quote: deathless, catherynne m. valente edit:? // bojack horseman s6 e16// a pearl, mitski// would've, could've,should've, taylor swift// ?// ?// ?// @heavensghost

[teedos]

“Someone to be gentle with all your broken parts”

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Alain de Botton, Essays in Love [transcript in ALT]

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Constantly torn between wanting to live out loud and wanting to disappear

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“And what about me?”

Your eyes spoke a hundred words with the fall of a single tear.

“You’ll be fine,” I said coldly.

That moment will haunt me for all my days.

Your voice pleading for my love like a child with a cut knee.

Truth is, neither of us will ever be fine.

Our decisions from that time,

Will haunt us in the brightest of lights.

I am the monster under your bed.

You are the skeleton in my closet.

Both of us waiting for the moment the other decides to make an appearance.

If love was all it took, then we’d have a beautiful life together by now.

Porch swings and kids in the yard.

Poems to read under the stars.

But the years are stacked with all our scars,

Because that wasn’t our future.

That wasn’t our lesson to learn.

Everyone’s a villain in someone’s story,

I’m just sorry it had to be me.

[teedos]

“I want to make love, but my hair smells of war and running and running.”

— Warsan Shire, from Conversations About Home

[teedos]

Suicide Note

When I’m dead, please don’t tell them I was a nice person. I haven’t been nice in any way that mattered since I set foot in this place. I don’t want my children to ever think of me as nice. I was raging and I was dying, and there was nothing poetic about it. There is nothing poetic about losing yourself. 

My husband calls me angry, that is, on the days when he actually speaks of me in anything…

[teedos]

Somebody already broke my heart I haven’t posted here in a while, and I think I need to get to know the person here all over again.

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The things I will say when I talk about love I don't know how to be vulnerable, and I'm afraid to learn, afraid that I'll find myself alone in this.

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The things I will say when I talk about love The first time I ever told someone I loved them, I didn't mean it. It came out of my mouth before I could formulate a thought, and just like that, it was out there.

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The things I will say when I talk about love Love likes its morning coffee black, but doesn't like mornings.  The first time he said I love you was in your mother tongue, his lips pressed against yours, I swear you could taste forever in his smile.

[teedos]

Moving On

This sounds a lot like moving on:

You will talk to a man who will make the memories less brutal on your heart. Pretty soon you’ll be able to think about love without wanting to set yourself on fire.

The nights won’t be so violent anymore, and in time, the nightmares will be just another conversation at the dinner table. Speaking of, you will be brave enough to be around people without feeling…

[teedos]

So many things

I have been so many things before I became what I am now. So many things have happened before I found myself here. So many things have brought me to this place. I’d love to promise that I’ll stay, but so many things have made me leave before.

I am a culmination of all the experiences I leave behind, each step towards growth, marked by everything I have been before change came along. I am all the…

[teedos]

Dear you I have taught my heart many things in this life: to be still, to heal and to let go.