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She's mentally ill but her tits are amazing

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Confession Time

I'm angry and I don't know why. I don't even know if angry is the right word—frustrated may be a better one. The thing is—that's not me. I'm not an angry person—actually I seldomly get angry. Sure, like anyone, I have my moments of agitation and get snippy but it's not my natural state of being.

Maybe the anger is a part of my healing? Truthfully, for a moment there, I attributed it to owning and operating a fully functional uterus—but the window for the explanation has passed.

Anger can be seen—depending on the circumstances—as misguided advocacy. I think the reason why I'm not quick to anger is because I lost my inner advocate. That voice in my head was silenced enough times that she eventually stopped speaking up. I've been doing better these last few months, better than I have been in years, so maybe that's where the anger—or frustration or whatever this feeling is—is coming from. Maybe my inner advocate is starting to come back. Or—maybe I'm just being a bitch. Time and self reflection will tell.

Until next time,

A confused and agitated bean 🌱

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Emotional Object Permanence or (Lack Thereof)

I don't know how to know I'm loved. It's tragic, really, but I spent my formative years surrounded by a lot of people who only cared about me because of what I could do for them. Who only valued me as long as I was useful. So I don't know how to believe that someone could just love me and appreciate me simply for my existence.

I know in my head that people care about me, but I just can't seem to have my heart get the memo. I've spent more of my life thinking that my value, worthinesses, and lovability are determined by my usefulness than I haven't. It's only been a few years—roughly three if we're getting specific—since I realized that wasn't true. I'm trying really hard to work on it, but I can't rewire a lifetime of misguided beliefs in a few measly, messy years.

It doesn't help that socially I'm not a very casual person. My anxiety—and other issues that we'll discuss another time—makes opening up to people really hard, so I've always valued quality over quantity. Also, it's hard to find your people when you're not constantly surrounded by a conveniently located group of people your age—one of the downsides of online education is missing out on that.

I've actually heard a lot online about how trying to make new friends in adulthood is difficult—nice to know I'm not alone in that— so if anyone has any suggestions I'm all ears.

Until next time,

A sleep deprived and sad bean 🌱

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sorry for acting weird. that was me following my heart

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*removes headphones to make sure random ass noise was part of the song and not psychosis*

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Versions

Why does aging feel so weird? I'm going to be 21 soon, and parts of me still feel 18, 16, 12, and 5. Like they all exist within me and pop up at different times. I feel 5 when I'm playing tag or hide-and-seek with my nieces. I feel 12 when I see a horse, and my mind transports me back to when I used to take horseback riding lessons. I feel 16 when I go to drive someplace new, shaky but brave. I feel 18 until I interact with my cousin and remember that I am so very not 18.

I think these different versions of us always exist. As if we're a book, and each year is a chapter. Some long, some short, some seemingly never-ending, yet they all come together to create us. We carry the past chapters into the current one because they are what's responsible for making us tick. I carry 12 year old me around because she still lives within me, and she shows herself in how I love, because I learned of grief too soon. I carry 18 year old me in the way I dream, because she always thought her future would be so bright—optimistically delusional that no matter what, things would work out alright.

I am about to be carrying 20 different versions of myself around, and each year I will be fortunate enough to carry another. Growth is a beautiful thing, isn't it?

Until next time,

A refreshingly peaceful and optimistic Bean 🌱

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Good Day, Bad Brain

I think part of growing up—or maybe part of bettering yourself—is learning to look for the silver linings. Or at least trying to.

Today was a good day... just with a bad brain. Apparently sleep deprivation, general mental instability, and pmsing aren't a good combination—who'd have thought?

Despite it—and notably for the first time—I'm trying to look for the good things that happened. I still found reasons to smile today. I took the time to look at and reflect upon why I felt certain ways, reacted to certain things, throughout the day. I made an attempt to understand myself better and I think it worked.

It's unfortunate how hard wired my brain is to finding the negative side of things, but I did something good today. Something powerful: I tried and I succeeded. I tried to find the good—the way the sun warmed my skin, the time I was able to spend with my dad, the ice cream I had for dessert, the way I still got things done even when my brain was being mean—and I found them. I haven't done that in a long time.

Maybe that means it's working. That the effort I'm putting into getting better is worth it. Maybe I'm not broken, just a little lost. For the first time in awhile, I think there's hope of a better future for me.

Until next time,

Bean 🌱

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thank you Canada 🇨🇦

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Twenty, Tired, and Trying

What is it about sleep deprivation that makes baring your soul so much easier? Maybe it's not really any easier—maybe your brain is just too fried to think straight and the disillusion makes it feel safer. Or, maybe, I'm just uninhibited and at my truest form: yapping.

It's June now. My birth month. Less than a month away from 21 and there are so many things I've yet to do that I always figured I would have done by now. So, here's a list of them:

Have a better idea of my passions. I don't know what I want to do with my life. The world is such a vast, beautiful place with so many things to explore. How am I supposed to pick one thing to dedicate my life to? I want to be so many things! I want to be a psychologist, a conservationist, an actor, a globetrotter, the cool aunt, a lover, a fighter, bolder, braver, a wife, a mother, a baker, a photographer, a creative—all of it. I want to be all of it. I want to live life to its fullest, and do the things and have the experiences and just live. How can I possibly confine myself to one box when I crave to be in them all?

Have my first kiss. This one probably isn't so relatable to most folk, but shoutout to my fellow anxious girlies (or guys or theys, everyone is welcome here). Due to my anxiety, I did high school online. As you can imagine, this limited a lot of my socialization and stifled a lot of my social skills (I'm working on those now, I promise). So this just never happened for me. I used to think, "oh, by 18 I'll be putting myself out there and it will happen then!" Let me tell you something—trying to figure out where to socialize with people as an adult is hard. I am also doing college online, so it's not like I'm conveniently surrounded by people in my age bracket. If I can't even figure out the places to make friends, where on earth am I gonna find a man?? Seriously, where? If anyone can tell me, I'll love you forever.

Have my first boyfriend. This ties into the above point. Lack of opportunity and lack of courage. Before someone suggests online dating—been there, tried that. It felt so dehumanizing to judge people based on such surface level things, I just couldn't go through with it. I'm a romantic—which is really hard in the day and age of situationships and casual hookups. I want somebody I can be bored with, who I can be ugly with, who will dance silly with me in the grocery store and remember the small things about me. Sometimes I really feel like I'm missing out, but I have hope that my guy is out there and I know he'll have been worth the wait.

Find my people. I have partially succeeded with this, but I still have my work cut out for me. My best friend is the most amazing woman I know, and I would not be who I am without her. She's introduced me to some really great people, who I have the great fortune to love and be loved by. But they don't feel like my people. I have a hard time feeling worthy of love. I haven't always had the best people in my life, so my brain tells me that I am only lovable when I am of use. So, it's hard for me to wrap my head around people simply loving me for existing. That might actually be why I feel like I haven't found them. I can't truly feel the love they have for me until I feel love for myself. Huh. I might be closer to this one than I thought.

Go to therapy. I have been struggling with my mental health for most of my recollective life. I've been working on implementing strategies that have helped me better it—being a psych major has it's perks—but I haven't been able to bring myself to go. I know how beneficial it is, I know that it could really help me, but I'm afraid. Emotional vulnerability is a big trigger for me, and my social anxiety makes me nervous to be perceived. I want to go, and every year I tell myself I will, but I'm still waiting for the day I finally feel brave enough—or desperate enough— to go.

Have a better handle of my anxiety.

Stop daydreaming and turn my life into something worth dreaming about. As an anxious kid (and now adult), I've spent most of my life in my head, dreaming. Whether that be through reading, immersing myself in a show, devouring fan-fiction, or just daydreaming. I've been a part of and built worlds in my head that offer me things my real life doesn't. But, I want to be able to turn my real life into one of those daydreams. I just haven't figured out how yet.

Have a decent sleep schedule. This one may seem silly, but I have always been a night owl—shocking, I know. With online school and my current part time work, I've been able to not conform to the normal early morning wake up call. However, despite not being a morning person, getting up early and getting things done always makes me feel amazing. I just can't bring myself to wake up early if I don't have a reason to, and I know that one day when I have a real big girl job I'll be in for a rude awakening. Until then, I will be enjoying it for as long as I can.

Become a good cook. I hate to be bad at things, especially when people are around, so I haven't tried to cook much. Both my parents are retired, so if I royally screw up a new recipe they'll be around to witness it. But I really want to try it out. I feel like being a good cook would be super fun—and a good flex.

Find more hobbies. Again, I hate being bad at things, so I'm hesitant to try new things. However, there's so many cool hobbies out there!! I see things online all the time and I'm like "OOOOOOO I want to try!!" but I never do. Don't get me wrong, I have a few hobbies I enjoy! Photography has been a lifeline, I use poetry writing to work through rough emotions, and I've been getting back into reading (college has unfortunately equated to educational reading, not fun reading), but I don't have many. Maybe I'll change that soon. Life is about enjoying the little things, and hobbies are a good way to do that.

Until next time,

Bean 🌱

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Well if this ain't relatable af

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worst thing that can happen to a girl is her friend gets a boyfriend