the-blunt-thoughts - Tumblr blog

[the-blunt-thoughts]

Love how youtubers are acting like the world is still under quarantine when they are the only ones being able to afford staying home in their safe, guarded, million-dollar houses doing what they have always been doing.

[the-blunt-thoughts]

I’m always trying my best, you know. Wether it is to keep up my face at work or in the family or to not try again. Everytime I try to feel better I fail. Or I even fuck up. It can be really simple things.. like wanting to play a game to distract myself. But the game won’t work for some reason...and even if I try figuring it out it will not do me the favour. I put all my energy together to ask someone to do something..be it watching a movie or anything. But they will be busy.. they might ask me to put it aside for another time, expecting me to wait for them, to always adapt to their mood or freetime. It’s never really mine. Or I sit down, trying to work on something to feel less useless and unproductive.. but I will keep making mistakes and get angry at it and myself and the fact that nothing I try works. So ultimately the only thing I can do when I feel really, really terrible is nothing. I’ll have to endure all the thoughts hurting me, blaming me, just suffer through it. Until somebody or something comes up and I’ll run when they demand it..

[the-blunt-thoughts]

Once again I had to make a hard decision and break up from my relationship. I just didn’t feel respected and more like used for certain needs...in the little time he gave me. He always found time for other things but not for me and that’s the biggest reason why i ended it. I hate being alone, I hate feeling lonely.. and he just couldn’t and didn’t even want to try and help with that. But once again this just throws me into a deep, deep spiral of anxiety, depression, loneliness, sadness and ...hopelessness. I constantly feel like time is running out for me.. I just wanna be loved so badly. I just wanna feel that I’m worth something...  I’m once again so, so, so afraid of having to be alone because I decided to want to try and be happy and not just satisfy someone else...

[the-blunt-thoughts]

I’ve only ever cried to myself, alone. I don’t like showing my vulnerable, hurt self to other people. Whenever I’ve seen it happen in movies, shows etc tho... it always seemed like something that is making other people finally understand. Something that makes people forgive, forget, comfort and focus on the person in pain. The first time I really cried to someone it was nothing like the media promised it to be. The other person was cold, distant... my words didn’t get through to them at all. This time the other person was angry with me. He said my sadness isn’t better or worth more than his anger. Yes I admit it.. I still crave pity and comfort.. I crave all the pity and all the comfort that I have been missing out. I want the most pity that is possible.. In these tender pity fantasies of mine I lay in bed, dying of a cancer I don’t actually have and someone holds me and cries for me. they hurt for me, because of me, they want better for me. If they could they would do anything to make it right for me. but these are just tender fantasies.

[the-blunt-thoughts]

Everytime my upheld, neutral mood gets out of control due to some trigger event and I spiral into the depth of depression I realize.. that nothing changed for so many years. Every time this happens I have to admit it to myself that I’m still a fucking failure. I wasn’t able to find friends still. I wasn’t able to improve in anything still. I wasn’t able to draw some attention to me in whatever way still. I wasn’t able to make someone care about me or like me still. I wasn’t  able to prove myself that I’m worth something still. I wasn’t  able to harm myself in a critical way still. I don’t have anything. I’m just existing and aging and suffering.

[the-blunt-thoughts]

Being in an unhappy relationship is more depressing than i thought it would be...

But the thought of being alone again is scary.

And surely I don't deserve better, surely I just expect too much. Throughout my life I've only encountered very unempathetic people and I'm wondering why.. Maybe it's my own fault for being such a stupid, special snowflake.

I'm continuing my own self-destructive behaviours hoping I could get what i want...

Some pity and comfort, some time and attention only for me.

[the-blunt-thoughts]

I don't know what it's like to have someone sit near you, put their arm around you and just letting you cry and trying to comfort you.

The people i know are cold and leave you to yourself.. Or they they blame you for putting yourself in that misery.

If everyone else is so hard on me how could I not be?

[the-blunt-thoughts]

When you really have the need to share and talk about certain things but you got nobody to talk to about it. The thoughts just kinda circle around in my head for hours and I probably overthink into 1000 directions, confusing myself and leaving me unsatisfied. Disconnected from all other people. Goes back talking to my imaginary youtube audience

[the-blunt-thoughts]

I did it again..

I felt courageous, I let somebody peek into my heart and again it got crushed. I got punished for trying, for thinking something could actually work out or benefit me.

I'm so fucking foolish for thinking somebody would accept or like what i have to offer.

[the-blunt-thoughts]

Honestly, i don't know why I've never just accepted that I can't be the one people like. Not the one people look up to. Not the one people want to spend time with. Not the one someone would rely on or ask for advice. Neither someone who people want to get to know better.

I'm just someone who's not very outstanding, not important, not talented, not liked, but I'm okay I guess.

I just don't really want to accept that.

[the-blunt-thoughts]

ahyes. It’s that time of the year again... everyone else is having fun with others and indulging in their love, friendship and family bonds.

[the-blunt-thoughts]

I was stressed Everything was just being too much at this moment Why am I such a useless failure of a human being? All this anger, disappointment, sadness, frustration..i didn’t know where to go with it. I grabbed the scissors and in the blink of an eye i had already sliced my skin. At first it didn’t look like I cut it at all but then the skin suddenly seperated and for a few seconds I could see the flesh under my skin before it started to turn bloody.

I was shocked that it didn’t hurt at all.. it went so fast, so painless. Is this the only thing I’m getting better at?

[the-blunt-thoughts]

I wish I had someone to talk to who won’t judge or try to lecture me. I’m not asking for solutions nor advice.. I just want someone to listen and be there. Feel save, feel something warm.

[the-blunt-thoughts]

I really hate sundays

Somehow I always feel the worst on sundays. Not just because of the fact that a new week with new struggles and more work approaches but also.. On sundays I look back at my week and realize how useless and worthless I've been time and time again.

Additionally the people I'd usually be avle to chat with are busy or out because well.. The weekend is supposed to be for meeting and hanging out with friends. It's been so long since I did that.. Actually idk if I ever really did that..

There's so many things I'd like to do and achieve but i'm not enough, everyone else seems to get so much done all the time and then they earn the reward.

Why can't I be like them..

In the end, every sunday, i end up hurting myself because i hate my useless, stupid self so much. I'm such a waste.

It's an endless circle

[the-blunt-thoughts]

I’m aimless.

I’ve lost the ability to converse with people. I do not know how love or friendship works anymore, what does love and trust even feel like? I forgot.

It’s like a point of no return because even when I try I just get hurt by everything that isn’t even supposed to hurt me. And I hurt myself for this, hurt others because I do not know what else to do with all this darkness within me.

I so strongly crave the warmth of love and trust but whenever I get close to it I get scared away because I forgot how to deal with it.

I run from it, I self-sabotage and now I just completely forgot.

I gave myself up.

Because when I open my mouth to say something a thousands of thoughts cross my mind ‘Your opinion isn’t needed here, it’s not valid’  ‘You’re stupid why do you bother do give your advice?’  ‘Do you really think anyone will listen to you?’  ‘You think you know this fact? Somebody else will know better.’  ‘Nobody thinks or feels the way you do, don’t expect anyone to understand or relate.’  ‘Better say nothing at all than something stupid’.

It’s not limited to spoken words, it’s the same on the internet. This free, open world where everyone has their place except me. I always feel offended, left out, unliked and also...everyone is looking for attention here. And someone like me won’t find it as it’s so scarce. No, I don‘t think anyone can help me now, neither can I help myself. My brain is wired in a  wrong way now and it interferes with everything. How will I be able to keep any social contacts or a job?? I don‘t know...

Why do I even write this all down here? I guess it‘s because since I can‘t talk to anyone about my thoughts, I‘d either upset them or annoy them and what can they do about it anyway? This is like a diary you write, hoping that one day maybe someone will accidently find it and try to understand you and make sense out of it. Maybe even when I‘m dead this could be the only ‚real‘ thing left behind of me.. altho the algorythms destroy this thought but its a little shimmer of hope, just a tiny one. I don‘t want to vanish and be forgotten, after all that is my biggest fear.

But sadly it‘s not uncommon. People die unseen and they‘re found dead months after because of some unpleasant smell... and nobody will know who exactly they were and what their life was like and what destroyed them in the end.

[the-blunt-thoughts]

yes, I’m worthless.

[the-blunt-thoughts]

Most of the time I feel like I’m really not allowed to ever have any demands of anyone. I have to nod, agree and keep quiet. Whenever I try to actually demand something or mildly complain about something in a very careful way I get pushed away, gaslighted, blamed and portrayed as a whiney, needy asshole who’s asking too much of everyone. Guess I’m just supposed to be a little, quiet sex toy. Used when needed and otherwise not of importance. After all you probably think your dick is the greatest gift to any person. I wish dicks wouldn’t make people successfully slip through life but they do.