the-grey-wizard

[the-grey-wizard]

Dude, teleportation circles have been around for millenia.

And you can even key specific stones in each room to teleport only you, keep it subtle, and mysteriously appear behind your victims!

This is really just a skill issue.

the worst part about being an evil wizard has got to be the stairs. it’s highest tower this, deepest dungeon that, all day every day. I swear I don’t see any other part of the castle. “oh wizard we never see you in the mess hall you’re so mysterious and unsociable” that’s because I’m fucking mountaineering up and down this godforsaken castle and surviving off energy potions just to maintain my unexpectedly athletic lifestyle. I’ve got glutes of steel and for what? no time to meet anyone to bounce a coin of the realm off them. worst off all the elevator won’t be invented for another thousand years. so I’ve got that to look forward to.

[the-grey-wizard]

Very well, but you must live with the consequences.

I want you to know

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[the-grey-wizard]

Look, I'm no saying an experiment in which we opened portals to Heaven and Hell in the same room to see what happens was performed.

Nor am I saying that Angels are pretty happy up in Heaven, but Demons take any chance to get out of Hell.

Nor would I imply that Demons know that they have a much better survival rate partying/causing havock on Earth than they do putting so much as a toe in Heaven, and reports about them being interested in War or Invasion of it are greatly exagerated.

Nor would I dare imply that they quickly overpowered the apprentices who were running the experiment because no one senior was actually curious about it.

But I would like to offer the Gr(e/a)y Council's most insincere condolences to all who are impacted, and offer assistance to rebuild all wizard towers, and resurrect those killed for free!*

*we do not guarantee that we will not place spying spells on anything we touch

We’ve got to find whatever hell portal these demons are coming out of and close it already.

[the-grey-wizard]

[the-grey-wizard]

@a-captions-blog

[the-grey-wizard]

Absolutely ridiculous!

ETHICS are what the law says! (or religion, or your parents), Ethics are an external framework of moral rules.

Morality is an internal system, which may be indicated or influenced by others, but is far more fluid.

Besides, you can't be an Evil Wizard without someone external defining what is good/bad!

Sheesh, do they even teach Formal Prescriptive Linguistics in Evil Wizard School anymore?

remember gang, murdering tens of thousands of people is fine so long as you do it via abstract policy-setting and pulling levers of power in order to expand your own wealth, and the people you killed are both poor and extremely far away from you. you can essentially be a legal serial killer this way and all is fine!

kill a legal serial killer in real life, though, and that’s bad. this is because morality is whatever the law says

[the-grey-wizard]

We sent the question to our Ethics and Moral research arm, the note they sent back said 'We performed the summoning and ate the gnome before we even considered that there may be a problem.'

So I think it is fine.

Just... try to kill them first?

I ate mine without making sure it was dead, and the screams really ruined ambiance.

Oh wizard bureaucrat,

I am writing to inquire as to the ethics committee's ruling on eating your own summoned candy gnome? I understand they are fully sentient, but they do look very delicious.

Regards,

An anonymous hungry wizard

When did we get an ethics committee? What Ethics? Who committee?? Have your candy golem and eat it too!

[the-grey-wizard]

Gritty is one of the few beings that the Gr(e/a)y council chooses to actively avoid, or at least we do so since the Greg incident.

How powerful a wizard is Grittty?

Unmeasurably so

[the-grey-wizard]

Sounds like something a ghost would say.

Though more importantly: to a ghost, what is the cost of killing someone?

[the-grey-wizard]

This is actual a super common misconception based on a misreading of an ancient Sanskrit Document!

It was a formal complaint from the first tooth fairies to the Tooth Fae (don't ask), about the system in place for moving the childrens teeth they had acquired.

The faeries at that time would collect all the teeth from a general area into a central location, once per year they would then load up all the teeth onto a cart and haul it through the portal to the Tooth Fae's kingdom.

But, the Tooth Fae had not reallocated anything since before the bronze age, so some areas were hundreds of thousands of people large, with just one cart assigned per year.

The weight of these teeth was immense, and the lesser faeiries had to use there magic to reinforce the cart, increase it's capacity, and assist in the pulling.

Prompting them to write a formal complaint (the plural and singular for teeth look very similar, especially after what several thousand years does to parchment).

The Tooth Fae then granted the lesser fairies the ability to make micro portals every night.

The phrase “Like Pulling Teeth” does not refer to dental extraction but to dental transportation. Back in the olden days, human teeth could weigh up to 50 tons each, thus pulling them along the roads was an arduous task.

[the-grey-wizard]

I don't know why you do it, but I have several uses:

Makes them wayyy quieter

Extracted childhood whimsy and creativity really gives me a boost that conventional energy drinks just don't match

Youth Potion

Whimsy-less children make the *best* thralls/goons/servants

It's just fun, y'know?

yes maybe I have been extracting the life essence out of innocent children and leaving them husks of their former selves but when you find out why I did it you will support me

[the-grey-wizard]

Important image for all your wizard memeing needs

[the-grey-wizard]

Look, at least half of the corpus of "Forbidden Spells" are time manipulation related, and it is only through those that the world is as good as it is now.

We have them to thank for the ability to nullify and prevent the damage done by idiots using the other quarter of the "Forbidden Spells"

god if there was a book of forbidden spells I wouldn’t even hesitate

[the-grey-wizard]

To be fair, this usually happens only after they grow the paper wings [from reading that which uplifts, and to allow them to traverse the darker, deeper, and higher parts of the Great libraries].

Which, though useful, does make traversing the more regular sections with the relatively narrow rows of shelves a tad difficult for them.

This can be overcome through clipping the paper wings, but they tend to view it as 'defacing library property' and it becomes a whole thing.

The problem with librarians is that over time they inevitably become indistinguishable from angels

[the-grey-wizard]

Look, it's not exactly my domain, but this dude has clearly never gone adventuring.

You get attacked by Dragon, you don't know what kind it is. Sure it's scales are an indicator, but a) the magic required to change the scale colour is trivial and b) a lot of the colours are pretty similar. So you got no idea what it's immunities are.

But what do you know? That it's alive. Boom, necrotic blast.

You run into a room filled with different creatures and elementals. Necrotic blast.

Sure it is low utility out of battles, but I'd rather be confident I can hit whatever comes at me with one or two spells than need thirty prepped for various contingencies!

Death magic is so stupid, you’ve got all these wizards chucking green energy blasts and think that sounds rad, but then you pop the hood on what the energy does and it just makes you dead. “Ooh look at my death ball, when it hits you it kills you!” Bitch so does a fireball but i’ll give you three guesses which is better for heating up rations or keeping me warm at night. Zero utility, unbelievable.

[the-grey-wizard]

Number 2 is "I didn't know that Mortal was another Fae in disguise."

I Was Aiming For Murder Not Impropriety

Is the number one defense at fae court

[the-grey-wizard]

OH SHIT SOMEONE FOUND IT.

I lost that ages ago!

Was it attached to anything by any chance? No worries if not, I just uh.... may need to deal with something....

ancient roman spell circle to contain one(1) snail