the-helpme-files

[the-helpme-files]

I used to be angry. I used to hate the world. I would scream until I was dizzy, I would drive a knife into old furniture, I would fly down the high in my old beater blasting shitty metal music so loud it hurt. I miss it. I miss that rage. That need to scream and fight and hurt things outside of myself. I miss hurting. I feel different now. I want to hurt. It's been years since I felt anything. All feelings leave. My interests fade out. I can't get help. I felt the same way years ago, befor the anger. They said it wasn't bad enough, it wasn't affecting my life and it's not affecting it now. At least not enough. I shower, sometimes. I clean cause we're trying to sell the house. I eat. I do laundry cause I'm so scared of looking like a slob. I have to negotiate half assing stuff just to get it done. I haven't cooked anything in at least a year, I just eat frozen, ready made stuff. I just don't have the energy for anything. I wish I was angry again. That i had the energy to be upset. I feel worn out and I'm only 23. How am I supposed to live even to 30 like this? I'm not going to kill myself but I day dream about a car accident or maybe a robbery gone wrong at work. I'll get shot or stabbed. That would be nice. At least I'd feel something as I die.

[the-helpme-files]

I think I lied to myself and everyone around me about being transgender. I'm sorry.

[the-helpme-files]

I want to bite chucks of flesh off my body, I want to carve at it with a knife. I've started cutting again after almost 4 years clean. I fucked up and lied to everyone I so desperately want to kill myself but I'm a fucking coward

[the-helpme-files]

I feel like I just fucked up something pretty important. My first consultation with a doctor to maybe start testosterone. I was so sure up until the questions started, I had answers and I knew what to say. Right up until I actually had to say it. My whole brain just stopped working. I couldn't speak and I didn't know how to explain that I want to transition more then anything. But now I dont know. What if I'm wrong? What if I moved too fast with coming out? What I'd I was too impulsive? Maybe I've tricked myself into believing I'm trans just because I'm sad and desperate for attention. Am I lieing to myself? Can you even do that? What if I'm so attention starved and desperate to feel like my shitty attitude and sadness means something that I'm taking up problems and struggles I dont have and neve did. Am I that desperate to feel different and special? I feel like if I was really trans I would know how to answer the questions and have solid transition goal but I don't. And that's probably I sign that I'm just making this all up. I'm lieing. I'm doing to make myself the center of attention. I have to be right? I would know this things about myself if I was really trans. I hate myself. I'm doing it all for attention and I cant take it back know. I've fucked myself over and I've made the lives of actual trans people hell because I can't mind my own fucking business. I'm so sorry.

[the-helpme-files]

I didn't go though shit as a kid, everything was fine. So please tell me why I cant handle being alive.

[the-helpme-files]

I'm back at the point where hurting myself is the only way I feel anything anymore. Feels good to be back but this time, theres less tears.

[the-helpme-files]

I genuinely hate planning for the future, whatever that means. I dont know what I want to do with my life and im fine with that cause the more I plan my life them more sick I feel. Every life plan I make somehow either just ends with me, alone, working some retail job and just living in a small house in a small town. Or at some point I die, and by die I mean drive off the road or step in front of a moving car or maybe just get sick of it and jump off a building. I cant see myself getting married or even just spending my life with someone. I cant see living with another person for years on end. I dont see me having a "good job", one that makes money or doing what a lot of people I know are doing is like being a twitch streamer, youtuber or making their own small business. I dont see it happening. Sure I have a few very unfinished ideas for books maybe but doesn't everyone? Sure I could maybe do subpar commissioned artwork for people but I would feel bad for charging money tbh. I dont dislike working in retail or customer service, its draining, people are rude and the pay isnt always good but oh well. I just cant see myself doing anything "more" I guess. I dont even want to work my way up to manager or whatever, I dont like being in charge of people. I just want to outlive my family so when I die no one feels bad. If I killed myself now, its would crush my mom and dad. I'm an only child so I'm kinda all they've got, bad luck for them I guess. In Beverly going to be someone they can speak proudly of or brag about. Not going to start a business, make a lot of money, because successful in a company, or even go to university. I barely made it out of high school. I just cant see a future at all, even what I've said is looking like a few years down the road. I wasnt supposed to make it out of high school, I should have died at 14, 16,19 but I bitched out each time. I had to do it in a way that could be fixed. If I just drove off the road at night going way over the limit or maybe jumped off a roof or just jumped in front or a car I would feel so sick and scared or planning anything.

[the-helpme-files]

Ok so time for yet ANOTHER fucking identity crisis. How the fuck do people experience sexuality. Like yall actually wanna bang other people? Is it better then getting off by yourself? Cause I know people in relationships still jerk off so like people actually want to have sex. Like I want a relationship and I like the idea of cuddling with someone, having someone you really care for, just around, cooking food for them, hanging out, cuddling, going on dates and just generally enjoying that person. That's what I want but I dont really want to have sex with people. Maybe if I knew someone for a long time and trusted them and idk was like really into it, then maybe? But I'm not even sure then. I could never just like hook up with someone. The whole act of actually having sex doesn't really seem that appealing tbh. I mean I get horny but I'm totally fine just getting myself off and moving on. I dont really have a desire to sleep WITH anyone. Is that what asexual is? I mean I do get horny but not for other people, idk. Do people actually get horny for other people? :/

[the-helpme-files]

ITS STILL ME AND IM STILL A MAN SO SUCK MY DICK

IM TRANS FUCK YALL

[the-helpme-files]

I'm transgender. I'm a guy. A man. I want to go on testosterone. I want a deeper voice. Facial hair and more body hair. I'm prepared for my bits to change. I want to get top surgery. Fuck it. IM A GUY. I also think I'm asexual? Maybe? I'm not so sure on that one. Im not aromatic that's for sure. But maybe asexual. Like I get horny but like not if I think about things that involve me. I dont want to have sex with anyone. I'm kinda cool just doing my own thing and maybe just have a nice partner to cuddle with. Idk. But I am a man. I'm transgender. Happy coming out to no one online. Yay.

[the-helpme-files]

I literally dont know who I am or what I want to do. I spent so long being bullied for being the weird, gross kid and I never felt good or comfortable being in my own skin. Then I finally tried to change it so that I liked myself more but that still didnt work. I became really depressed about 5 years ago and I couldn't motivate myself to do anything. I couldn't do things for myself, I couldn't do sports, go to school, hang out with friends. Anything. Then I discovered that if I focused on doing things for others, I could find motivation. I would go to work cause I didnt want people to be short staffed, I would go to school cause I was in a project with a friend, I cleaned my room cause someone was coming over. So I started doing more for other people cause it got me to actually do things. That people started praising me for do things for them and it felt good. It was the first thing that gave me a longer lasting good feeling. Doing things for other people. That was it. Now I have to do things for other people. All the time. Non stop. Doing things for me doesn't feel good at all. Self care? Feels hollow and pointless. And if I'm not doing something for the people around me they might see how sad and depressing I really am. I have to always be doing things for people or they might start to dislike me. Which is bad. Not only do I have to do stuff but I need to do more stuff because the more you do for people the more they thank and praise you. And the happy feeling comes back. I dont feel like shit for a little while.

[the-helpme-files]

I want nothing more then to be a man during sex. I want to get fucked like a man by a man. That's the only way I can imagine sex where I'm involved, I'm always a man somehow. But I'm not a man irl and I'm trying not to fetishize trans people and I dont think its a fetish cause really I dont care too much what the other person is working with I just want to be a man. I say I'm a lesbian cause I cant imagine having sex with a dude as a woman but like? If I was a guy? Whole different story. This bullshit makes me question my sexuality and my gender all the fucking time but who the hell am I supposed to talk to about this? Like I'm unhappy with my body but I think irs because I'm overweight. I dont hate my boobs or my genitals that much and honestly I'm kinda scared to change it. Top or bottom surgery doesn't really appeal to me at all and I'm not sure if I'm scared of committing or it's my fear of hospitals or what. I dont have gender dysphoria, at least I dont think I do. I identify more with being non binary then just a guy or a girl. But I dont get the whole sex thing at all? I dont get turned on by women in porn, I mostly like gay porn but irl women are really the only thing I find attractive. That and nb people. Women are so pretty and I love them and get nervous and want to be around them and cuddle and get be with a woman and be lesbians together. I cant explain how much I just want a fem gf to just love but at the same time I cant view myself as me, as a female, with all I've got to work with, having sex at all. I want to be a man when I have sex that's it. That doesn't change at all what I want in a partner at I just wanna be the guy in the relationship. Physical. Not like I have to be the soul bread winner and blah blah blah just I want to be a guy and have a dick and that's the only way it ever works in my head. Ever. I know lesbians have sex without a dick or with a fake one but it's not how it works in my head. Like I dont get turned on by just me and a girl unless I'm the guy??? Fuck idk. I dont think I'm trans and I'm really not sure if I'm a lesbian and this has always been my biggest hang up about IDing as wlw cause like??? I want to get dicked down but only if I also had a dick so not really wlw but not straight cause that also grosses me out? Idk. This has been bothering me for years now and I dont know who to talk to or where to start. Am I trans? I'm I just straight and delusional? Am I just a fucked up lesbian? Weird bisexual? I dont know and the more I think on it the more confusing it gets. Fuck.

[the-helpme-files]

I just tierd to kill myself and pussyed out. Tried to strangle myself with a belt in my car, actually got to the point of passing out but somehow fell backwards and woke back up. I couldn't manage to try again after that so I drove around for about 3 hrs and now I'm home. I feel numb. Dont feel sad or angry just like the world is static.

[the-helpme-files]

I'm so lonely it physically hurts.

[the-helpme-files]

My self worth hinges on how useful I am to the people in my life. Did I help my dad clean his house today? Great! I feel ok. I did my laundry, some tax paperwork, cleaned my room and did some art? I'm fucking worthless. I cant find joy in things I do for myself. I have to so things for other people on order to feel ok. I have to get praised by the people I help otherwise it's not good enough and I need to do more, or do better. If I help other people I can forget how much I hate myself for a bit. I can kinda brainwash myself into thinking I'm ok. I really hate doing things to "better myself" or "self care" or whatever it just feels so selfish and pointless. Why waste other peoples time taking classes that dont matter? Why take up a place in school. I'm not gonna do anything with what I learn. Someone else could use that spot so much more. Anyways I'm very aware that the fact the my whole self worth and general happiness hinges on other people in extremely unhealthy but there aren't too many therapies in my area and the online therapy thing doesn't work well for me. So I guess I'll just keep trying to make others think I'm useful.

[the-helpme-files]

Everyone around me seems to be in relationships, people are getting married, having kids and seem to be happy. I know people only put the high lights of their lives up for people to see. But I just want someone to tell me I'm pretty. I'm so lonely. I just want to feel loved. Please.

[the-helpme-files]

I'm so stressed that my anxiety is fucking hair trigger. I haven't been sleeping or eating regularly, I've been crying probably at least once a day and I'm so emotionally dead. Ahhhh. I'm so tired all the time and I can't think straight and I'm so depressed that either I'm crying and panicked or I'm just laying around unable to even move. The anxiety of annoying my roommates is the only thing that makes me actually get up and clean the house. I dont even have any reasons to be this neurotic and panicky and I'm trying not to yet my roommates notice. Fuck me. I want to die.