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The Date Chronicles 2022 - Part 2

The Date Chronicles 2022 – Part 2

Elliot was my 5th ever dating app date. Elliot was sweet and quick-witted, and he was 6 ft 5 with great hair; height being something I recently discovered was important to me in a man. Although I reckon, he was more of a boy. Most conversations I have or messages I receive on dating apps seem to quickly fill me with a strong sense of the ick. Something as simple as using too many exclamation…

[the-rabbithearted]

My Bluest Monday

This blue Monday I woke up feeling positive having never heard of this fateful day before. I’d had a good weekend and my week was on track to be another productive one. My anxiety and insomnia that had set in at the start of the month had seemingly quietened. I woke up in time to eat and shower before therapy at 10:30. I started the session telling Kim how I was feeling better and lighter, but…

[the-rabbithearted]

The Date Chronicles of 2022

The Date Chronicles of 2022

Do you know what’s more nerve-racking than going on a blind date? Going on a date with someone you’ve had one big, fat crush on for 2 years. We’ll call him Noel because he’d hate that. Before we get onto the date it’ll be helpful to know a bit about Noel and our situation. He was an emotionally unavailable, autistic, salsa dancer. He was a biomedical engineer by day, a drug dealer by night and…

[the-rabbithearted]

Anger: my constant state

Anger: my constant state

TRIGGER WARNING: R*APE, S**UAL A**AULT, M*RDER Edit: This is a piece I wrote following the murder of Sarah Everard. Since that week I have found myself raging with an anger like no other against much of society and the way that it treats us as women. Don’t get me wrong, I have always been angry, but something sparked a deep sense of rage in me that I have been unable to put out since. I wrote…

[the-rabbithearted]

From riches to rags - A reflection on the last year

From riches to rags – A reflection on the last year

This time last year I was halfway across the world living my absolute best life with amazing new friends, glorious food and surrounded by insane nature. I was falling in love with Costa Rica in the flesh and falling in love with a salsa dancing Cuban man back home. I was due to start my dream job in a week. I was at a point in my life when I thought I had finally cracked happiness. I had been…

[the-rabbithearted]

[the-rabbithearted]

Me and my fat

Me and my fat

            Like many of you, I have fallen victim to societies ideals being pushed upon me. Like many of you, because I was unable to fulfil these terms and conditions in the past, I ended up surrounded in a tornado of self-hatred many, many times. It is no secret that this is un-fucking-fair. Everybody knows that society forces impossible expectations upon us, so why do we all continue to try…

[the-rabbithearted]

I used to measure the way I felt about someone by the amount I could write about them and about, how well I could write about them. Growing up has meant that I write a lot less (I don't know who I'm fooling it's meant that I don't write at all) and so now when I think I'm in love with a man or a woman; I sit in front of my computer in the hopes that this love I am so convinced is real will let me write again. There has been 4 years and a handful of these loves and still no poetry. I've been trying to work out if this means that I never really loved any of these people or if worse, I loved you so much that nobody else could be worthy of my words

[the-rabbithearted]

Ellen Bass, “The Thing Is”, Poetry of Presence: An Anthology of Mindfulness Poems

[the-rabbithearted]

For Bria, Forever ago

Recently I made a poor attempt at trying to fix our friendship. I realised that a simple “let’s get a drink” wasn’t going to fix the fires that spread through our lives destroying everything we’d built over the last 6 years. No, our problems are bigger than just a “sorry”, and they can’t be hashed out over a drink. I know that all sounds pretty negative, pretty finite and pessimistic. But I actually think it says a lot about the good parts of our friendship. Because it isn’t just our fall out that had such an impact, it was the years of laughter and LOVE that came before it. And you don’t get to have such a horrible fall without enjoying the journey to the top first. So then I thought “I need to make a big gesture” and then I thought about all those chick flicks where people make big gestures and how they all worked out perfectly, but I have been through many a situation to know that my life is nothing like a movie. So then I decided to do the only thing I’ve ever been sure of; to write. It might not be poetic or even that interesting to read, but at least it’ll be honest. 

I’ve only had a couple of best friends who made an impact as big as yours. And they all ended in an explosion too; Hayley and Maya more specifically. As much as I hated the way those friendships ended there was one major difference between those and between ours. Those other friendships burnt out, they were used up and there was nothing left. We couldn’t go on anymore because we’d run out of fuel; we were empty. But me and you are different, I firmly believe that we still have so much more to give, so many more adventures to go on, jokes to create and then piss ourselves laughing at said jokes and probably more than anything, many, many, many, more tears left to cry - together. Because that’s when we’re at our strongest. Maybe not in recent times, but I still believe with all my heart that we are made up of more good times than bad.

I have spent the last few months trying to untangle you from my life. But every time The Proclaimers comes on (which thanks to me is every time I listen to any playlist I made), or every time I see a meme about eating our weight in food, every time I see a lake or a mountain or think of Bali or brush my teeth or watch NCIS or discover a new song on spotify that I just can’t help but play on repeat until I hate the damn thing or laugh at something silly or cry at something even sillier - you’re there. And no matter how hard I try I cannot untangle you from me because I’m not sure where it is that you end and where I begin. You are just as much a part of me as my love for books or my desire to travel or my moodswings or my unhealthy relationship with food or my impulsive tendencies. And maybe that isn’t healthy and I should probably definitely work on that. But my point is, every time I told you I didn’t know what I’d do without you, not an ounce of me was lying. I don’t think I realised quite how honest I was being, but I’m here now, with all the evidence to back it up and I am saying with full clarity and a hopeful heart, that I do not know what to do without you. 

We have been through so much, the good and the bad, together. We fell in love together, got our hearts broke together, and then even 10,000 miles apart with 4 plane journeys between us, we still managed to find a way to be there for each other.

I’m sorry if this is an intrusion or if it’s too cheesy or OTT or if you feel the complete opposite way to me, and if that is the case then you have my word that I will take your answer as final, wish you all the best and move on. But I couldn’t just not try, I never would have forgiven myself if I didn’t put my all into trying to fix us. 

So,

I am sorry for ever hurting you, I miss you terribly and I am so, so thankful for everything good that we had. Can we please at least try to put the pieces of us back together?

[the-rabbithearted]

“You come home, make some tea, sit down in your armchair and all around there’s silence. Everyone decides for themselves whether that’s loneliness or freedom.”

— Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[the-rabbithearted]

It's been so many years and I went to a pub in Camden Ldn tonight and bumped into this very same boy. I spent my whole night wondering how to say hi and I spent the whole way home not doing so

i drank a lot of free beer last night whilst a qt boy told me all the “cute little quirks” hes noticed about me

the fan blew my dress up n he was wearing socks that he stole from a girl whose name he cant remember

[the-rabbithearted]

It sounds so stupid but I want someone to be here I just don't want to tell anyone the my head is full of darkness because I don't want to hear "I'm here for you" or "is there anything I can do?" or any other nice comment that will make me want to die

[the-rabbithearted]

things to start doing:

drink more water

carry a camera everywhere i go

read more books than i already do

go for walks

do yoga more often

go to bed earlier

enjoy the little things

go outside more

stop comparing myself to others

stick to my goals n stop putting things off

write down my feelings

smile more, especially at random people

[the-rabbithearted]

“To whom do I owe the biggest apology? No one’s been crueler than I’ve been to me.”

— Alanis Morissette, Sorry to Myself (via music-and-quotes)

[the-rabbithearted]

“One day you will learn to take care of yourself, however, it may be; your faith, words, travel, love, art, you will let it save you. You will learn to heal without destroying.”

— kriti-g

[the-rabbithearted]

enough about sex positions has anyone discovered a reading position which doesn’t get uncomfortable after 5 minutes