the-rat-queen13-blog

[the-rat-queen13-blog]

i haven’t had a therapist for six months now. not since moving back in with my parents. i just can’t pick up the phone. the thought of talking on the phone scares me.

i finally found a psychiatrist that wasn’t on a wait list, but i quickly learned why he didn’t have a wait list - he’s the worst psychiatrist i’ve ever had in my whole life. he has no people skills, i feel like i’m being interrogated when i see him, and his office keeps messing up to where i go the 60 miles there only to find out they moved my appointment

my husband and i haven’t had sex in over 6 months, and i can’t imagine that it’s not bothering him. he is very convincing about it not bothering him, but i don’t know.

my stepdad’s daughter is visiting for the holidays, and it is much more painfully clear that he loves her more. i can’t fault him for that, she is his real daughter, and she is much easier to like than i am. but it still hurts

i broke my nose and got a concussion two months ago and the concussion makes me confused about music, the only thing I’ve always understood, and it’s a helpless feeling. family members keep telling me how much more crooked my nose is since breaking it

my mom keeps pointing out things she doesn’t like about my appearance. that i “need” to bleach my roots. that my nose is “wow, so crooked now.” that my butt is “going away”. that i “look pale and need a little bit of makeup”. that I need to “file down my pinky toenail” because it “looks gross”.

she also keeps trying to pressure me to jump into 20-30 hours of work even though i tell her that every time i’ve done that, it’s ended in me trying to kill myself

six months after moving states away from the man i fell in love with and who my husband and i welcomed as the third person in our relationship, my heart still feels like it’s shattered all over the floor by him stringing me along and making me think that he might move with us, only to tell us at the last minute that he knew he never would have moved. i can feel him forgetting me. his replies to my texts get longer and longer, now it takes days for him to respond, and when he does, he only responds to what he wants to respond to and ignores everything else. i still love him so much, it still hurts so much, i dream about him all the time

every time i stand up i feel like i’m going to pass out. that’s how i broke my nose and got this concussion

i’m afraid of men and they make up half of the population. my grandpa and grandma screamed at me for it and for, as a sexual assault survivor, not liking trump and i can barely even look them in the eye now. before that they were always my strongest supporters and i feel like I'm grieving them

it’s been a year since i was forced to kick my dad and his mom (my grandmother) out of my life and i dream about them all the time. i’m still grieving them too

i’m grieving the only therapist i’ve ever loved, who i left in pittsburgh

i’m still grieving my rat, mango, who passed away during our move across the united states

i’m grieving my ability to function on any useful level

i reported one of my rapists to the police this year and the detective literally said to me “it must not have been that bad since you took so long to report it.” i was 14 when it happened. the detective didn’t investigate my case at all despite the text messages i have from the rapist admitting guilt, so the case was quickly denied by the DA. all of this almost put me in a mental hospital and i am still trying to recover

so here i sit, picking at the eczema blisters on the palms of my hands with a needle instead of cutting, so that my family doesn’t realize i’m self harming. they’ll just think i’m obsessively picking. they won’t realize that i’m casually suicidal, but i am, and i don’t know what to do. i hate myself so much nowadays and i’m afraid 2019 will be just the same