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Legally Blonde (2001) Review: This film starring Reese Witherspoon opens up to a chilling montage akin to that of what you would see in a VHS skit, a large cult gathering of what can only be assumed are a mass of imperfect clones. The leader played by Reese Witherspoon then goes to a local tailor merchant to assault a proprietor with robotic and stealth like knowledge of tailoring. The plot really begins when our main cultist’s surrogate for a possible insurgent child detaches his metaphorical umbilical chord from his captor. She does not react kindly and mimics a human outcry of emotion THUS ruining her mascara in the process. In an attempt to recharge her batteries, she enters a nail salon, where one of her accomplices speaks perfect mandarin to one of the workers. This dystopian film truly begins when she decides to follow the surrogate who abandoned her to the highest institution of learning that the United States has to offer. It only gets more fucked up from there.

             The horror aspect: Every scene in this film is representative of the horror of a zombie-like clone trying to assimilate into our society and causing mayhem on her way. Her admissions video to Harvard is liken to an animal or Skinwalker trying it’s hardest to imitate a human. In these attempts she is actually successful because she actually convinces some of the best minds of higher learning to accept her admission attempt. This is horrifying because it truly shows the cracks of our fundamental systems in our country. Who could be infiltrating us at this moment, russian spies? Kim Jong-Un? They? At some point we reach a point where she has a meltdown and “cries” at the nail salon to our recognizable Mrs. Jennifer Coolidge playing “Paulette”. We can only assume this is the beginning of her recruiting method where she has normal citizens indoctrinated into her order. This film is honestly just “Frailty” meets “28 Weeks Later” meets “The Manchurian Candidate”. This “Thing” worked it’s way to the top of the best school in the country that dictates one of the most powerful careers available. The genre is horror yet the scares themselves are all too realistic. The indoctrination comes to full fruition with the method of hypnosis known as “The Bend and Snap”. She has an entire room of fully cognitive human beings eating out of her hand, ready to do as she says when she says it. She refuses to have sex with Callahan because she does not have a vagina but a Glorpulus-Sternum organ because she is from planets beyond our reach and not our home planet of Earth.

                  I honestly don’t have much to say about this movie in a negative aspect. The horrifying ambience likens this film to that of “The Witch”, I mean the soundtrack was truly grating at points. The cinematography really pulls in the underlying tones of futility when the enemy is among us. This really is one of those hidden gems of the horror communities and I implore the rest of you to go see this.

I’m gonna have to pop this Chihuahua at a 10/10 and give it my Bleeding VHS seal of approval. Thank you everyone, and remember not to let your poolboy wear a banana hammock.

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 High Tension (2003) Review: Many years ago French film director Alexandre Aja presented us with a horror movie that only the binging-est and most excessive horror movie watchers dare to give a damn about. How do I know about this film? It is in fact a staple in my family’s olden movie collection owned by my Evil Dead memorabilia collecting brother, an old favorite of his. And after hearing some nostalgic buzz about the film on Reddit’s own Horror section I took it upon myself to review it.

           We’ll start organizing these reviews with some general thoughts coupled with factors I enjoyed, the scare factor, and finally end with me berating the film if it all hopefully possible.               Something to be recognized as unique about this film is it’s stylistic lack of character depth. You don’t get to learn anything interesting about Marie (Cécile De France) or Alexia (Maïwenn), just that they’re traveling the countryside to visit Alexia’s parents. Then of course, shit hits the english dubbed fan and we lose half of our cast immediately. This lack of introducing any real information can be pulled off quite nicely and artistically with some films and especially in horror, but the whole thing falls apart when we come face to face with the infamous twist of our film. A twist is supposed to make you say “Holy Shit!” not, “Oh.....OH!”. It honestly has to make sense and requires some form of legitimate foreshadowing. The idea of “here we have this young girl but lurking inside her is a beast of insanity” doesn’t work if there is absolutely no back story to the cause because then all you have is a murder fest with a teaspoon of confusion. 

            As for the scare factor: Our French jackal on his rampage really popped off on some scenes. The murders of the father and the gas station attendant were interesting and decently entertaining but the movie truly did not pick up until Marie was fighting on this man’s supposed home turf. What we tend not to pick up on the ferocity of this showdown is that it really must be a final showdown. Our killer and the gas station clerk knew each other, so at this point he is just killing left and right so this must be the last night and final stand of this man’s spree, or so we are led to believe. As far as actual scares and not just satisfying gore and action, him popping back to life after his initial savage beating was very mortifying because it is our first real foreshadowing that this man is not what he seems.

             Now as far as my problems with this movie go, there are quite a few. When making a film, it’s good to make your characters enticing and interesting within at least the first 30 minutes. Here we have a low dialogue, slow pace, nothingness where we learn absolutely nothing about anybody before the movie really begins. It was honestly boring for quite awhile. When the killer actually does show up it’s still not invigorating enough to bring you out of the slump of the beginning of the film and you’re just begging for something interesting to happen that isn’t just an execution. As far as our huge twist goes? Like I said before, there needs to be foreshadowing or something off putting to really make a twist like that pop. The difference between Kaiser Soze and Le Tueur (Philippe Nahon) was that you knew somebody in the film was Soze, somebody had to be, and it was the person you least expected it to be. With High Tension (2003) there was no inkling that this man had to have been someone we know, it was just a random twist thrown which yes, it did go somewhere and have the plot point of Marie’s obsession with Alexxia, but it just didn’t hit hard enough. The reveal itself was so lackluster it was most likely met with disgust rather than shock in theatrical viewings. And not to throw bones where there are no dogs to pick them up, but I very much recall reading an article that proved that Marie could not have actually been the killer based on factual evidence in the movie. 

           That about wraps up this pony show, I’m gonna have to shotgun this stallion at a 4/10. Thank you, and remember folks, there’s a fat Frenchman in all of us.

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 Cloverfield (2008) Review: Here we have it: Disaster genre meets Found Footage genre and it could not be more more intriguing. We have a collection of 30(?)ish year olds living their mundane lives, experiencing the awkward pleasantries of a party where no one really knows each other. Then, the world comes to an end. The mystery behind the Cloverfield monsters (at least at the time, I am almost positive that 10 Cloverfield Lane confirmed the origin of the monsters) drives this movie home because you know what you’re getting with the characters you’re given. These are your average joes and in no way are they going to ascertain for you the origins of what they’re dealing with. 

           One of my problems with this film is how it chooses to pick off the characters in a pretty cliche way. For the ending we are left with our main “love story” characters as every other character, though all equally important in my opinion, were killed off semi-ceremoniously. Another issue is that the government and army personnel seemed to have no problem with Hud (T.J. Miller) cam-cording every single event and detail of the movie. Maybe that isn’t a problem though, maybe that’s the movie subtly admitting that the invasion is so large scale that footage based evidence is meaningless. If that is the case, then that’s a point for the film itself in releasing some info in such an unseen way. This movie also seems to think that building romantic relationships that will go nowhere because the characters die, such as between Marlena (Lizzy Caplan) and Hud, is some form of character development when it’s really not. This movie was a special effects, CGI, and slaughter showcase and that’s about it.

           I have a lot of good feelings towards this movie as it was consistently exciting, featured many cool action scenes between the army and the invaders, and made the characters understandable in their rash and dangerous actions. Like I said, it was a special effects, CGI, and slaughter showcase but it was a damn good one. And let’s not forget the tremendous job done on the soundtracking for the film, the atmosphere really was perfect for this type of film.

           I’m gonna have to kick this can at a 7/10. Thank you everyone and remember, if the world is ending, your first stop is a Best Buy for a free Blu-Ray player.

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Unfriended (2014) Mini-Review: What can be said about a horror film that takes place entirely in an 80 minute time span... in an internet chatroom? That’s one of the first things that struck me about this movie is that it does not utilize any time lapse whatsoever to perhaps build suspense? Make it more interesting? Broaden the universe a bit? You could call it a gimmick, and gimmicks don’t always equal bad product, but this movie suffered from it’s lack of give. The lack of something else to look at made this film actually boring, your favorite sitcoms and television shows feature 2-3 stories to tell in a single episode for this very reason! 

                My big problem with this film was it’s portrayal of the average teen as a stuck up, toxic, scumbag. It’s like if you took Clairemont High and dropped it in the middle of Gotham City, this would be the student body representing. Directors are so out of touch with what young teens are like and the amount of toxicity they can spore, which in fact is very little. I mean, Ken (Jacob Wysocki) just kept taking that bowl of weed from nowhere and smoking it just to instill in the adult audiences “These kids are bad news!” while the rest of us just got an awkward laugh out of it. You could call this film a satire of the very thing I’m disparaging it for, but I sincerely wouldn’t give them that much credit.

                  All in all this film was basically what you would call a snooze-fest apart from Jacob Wysocki shoving his neck onto a blender and the other actress who I don’t have the resources to recall what her character’s name was because they all look the same swallowing a hair straightener. The character’s were written poorer than Zimbabwe in the 1990s, the story was unoriginal and unfulfilling for the audience, and even the horror the movie was based around just wasn’t a scary concept. 98 raters on Rotttentomatoes giving this a fresh rating equals 98 people who don’t respect the horror genre enough to care that it’s not THIS and that we have much better entertainment to offer. Candyman (1992) is only 7% higher than this and if that doesn’t scream a problem with how the general public views what horror should be then I don’t know what is.

I’m gonna have to send this haunted E-mail at a 2/10. Thank you everyone, and remember that they if they had decided to work together and turn off their computers at the same time, the movie would have been 40 minutes shorter.

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 Hostel (2005) Review: I want to start this off by saying, I actually went into this film with a negative bias against Eli Roth, which is something a reviewer should never do, but it happened. I have a strong and passionate distaste for the film that is “Cabin Fever”, but I have to say, I fell in love with the film that is “Hostel”. Eli Roth has shown that his skills as a filmmaker are both eclectic and just abnormally diverse. This film offered that real tense anxiety you get where you actually do not know what the fate of your protagonist will be. I don’t know where they pulled the cast from for this movie but every single character was unique, interesting, and morbid. They just don’t do unique horror movies like this justice with the bland posters and cover arts. It’s what gives you your first impression and I feel as though if the horror filmmakers who don’t make big theatrical premiers with their films want to grab more viewers, it all really starts with visual appeals like that. I just have to say that I enjoyed almost every aspect of this film. By the second half of it, almost every scene was rewarding in some way. This movie does another thing that I love in some horror movies which is instilling slightly irrational fears into every day people. Yeah, there are tourist traps where a french guy will take your purse, but there’s also tourist TRAPS where they’ll harvest your body for goods and services. I say slightly irrational because obviously this movie embellishes the danger, but at the same time it really doesn’t because human trafficking is a very serious and real issue the world is facing today and this movie should have you learn that the world is waiting for you to walk down that wrong alley way sometimes and you need to be on your toes in unfamiliar settings.

            Now for the scare factor: We come back to our dilemma with Eli Roth as it becomes more of a gore factor than a scare factor. There was actually some of the greatest and most interesting gore I’ve seen in a movie like this in a long time and I would level this film with the “Saw” series itself. We have the absolutely grim scene where the doctor (Played by Jan Vlasák) cuts Josh’s (Played by Derek Richardson) achilles tendons and facetiously gives him the option to flee. It’s this kind of creativity in disgusting scenes that a lot of modern horrors lack. Of course we have the scene where Paxton (Played by Jay Hernandez) was to cut the connective tissue of Jennifer Lim’s character’s eyeball from her face and gosh darn it I didn’t think they would show it but gosh darn it I underestimated Eli Roth. We have the beautiful scene in which Jennifer Lim’s character throws herself in front of a train because she could not bare to live as the demented being she was turned into. We all saw her death a mile away, don’t lie. Eli Roth knew we saw her death a mile away and he decided to treat us with a fan favorite killing device. 

                Now I’m skipping the “my problems” section of the review because I truly can’t think of anything that’s worth creating a fuss about. The whole point of my blog is to hold horror movies up to the standards that everyone else holds up non-horror films. Yeah, this movie doesn’t have a world shattering twist like “The Usual Suspects” or the mind bending visuals and production cost of a film like “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest”, but I think in actuality this film did justice for the genre it represents as a whole. This was a good film in a genre that is a sea of over-appreciated garbage. This film deserves a highly respectable 8/10 for what it is and what it could be. 

               Thank you everyone, and remember, the babes never come free in Slovakia. 

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                 Cabin Fever (2002) Review: Directed by Eli Roth and featuring Rider Strong and Jordan Ladd, yes the picture I’ve chosen to represent this review is a joke, this movie is an offensive dumpster fire. Offensive because it is 93 minutes too long. I have to make this short and sour because usually a good portion of my reviews is made up of praise and mentions of redeeming and unique qualities. Fine, damn it, here’s a positive sentence: For once in Horror history when the characters become infected they don’t get up and eat each other. I find that to be a unique writing choice. Also what I found interesting is how hateable the characters are in this film. Yes, that’s not new for a multiple-teen-death-count film, but this time it was different. It’s not that they were all tired stereotypes and unintelligent and obnoxious narcissists, two of these characters were just immoral and irredeemable to the core. Those characters being Bert (Played by James DeBello) and Jeff (Played by Joey Kern). You come to hate them for just being horrible human beings. Yes, you probably rooted for Jeff for being smart enough to escape, but his tact was just piss disgusting.  As for the other three, they didn’t receive enough character development for you to care if they lived or not, as much as they tried to be decent human beings.

                 Now let’s talk about the scare factor: Was there a scare factor? There was a gore factor, and we all know that’s all that Eli Roth is really good for, right? We saw The Green Inferno (2013) and we know what the MO is. I’m going to be honest, for the first time in a long time I was actually kind of disgusted by the visuals in a movie. The shaving scene especially, that was a bit of a sensory overload. My favorite part of this movie was actually the fact that canines were attracted to the rotting flesh that the disease brought upon you. Not only are you decaying and too sick to function, but every day dogs are trying to eat you now. That is pretty scary in my opinion. You could also consider rednecks chasing you down while you are half dead to be scary, but that’s nothing unique or interesting.

                 My problems with this film are as such: Why everything? Why anything? We start off our adventure with a mentally disabled child biting our Bert character, and this is relevant why? Because Dennis the Dope contracts the disease from him later? But nothing comes of Dennis contracting it that way because everyone actually gets infected by the contaminated river lemonade. Speaking of that, why are those kids making lemonade out of river water? Yes, these are country folk but they are not prehistoric tribesmen, they have tap water. That’s clearly a segue to getting all of the county folk infected but that is utterly ridiculous. Why would you use the river water? Why can’t you see a dead body in the water 20 feet ahead? The only conclusion was that these bastard children did it on purpose! They work for the dogs! They must create diseased meat for these demon dogs to obtain their rightful place in a dog dominated world as upper class slaves who helped forge the canine empire! But, no it’s just poor writing. Also, the hamfisted romance between Paul and Karen. Stop doing this, horror directors. You’re not going to build a meaningful relationship that makes us care AND kill everyone off ceremoniously in your hour and a half movie. Now let’s not forget about the best scene in modern cinema: Dennis’s sick karate moves! I can’t actually bash this because it is so relevant to the film and it makes so much sense, so much sense that it makes too much sense and it would be insulting for me to even question it. And lastly, we have the racism comedy between the store clerk and the african american group at the end. Why? Just fucking why? What kind of movie are you trying to make? You put in so much crap, Eli Roth, that just makes no sense. It’s not a comedy and you just brought the whole movie to a dead stop by including an unfunny “racism misunderstanding” joke in your film about rotting sick people. Also don’t think I didn’t see that hospital rabbit man was credited in the credits as “We’ll never tell”. Good, I don’t care. Honestly if you told me, I would die inside for knowing that you thought I’d care. There are many other things wrong with this film but they’re just not worth ranting over.

                I’m gonna have to flush this turd at a 2/10 on the spooker scale. Thank you everyone, and remember not to drink any of the shit sold by little kids, they’ll poison you on purpose.

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Highlights from Joy Ride (2001)

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Joy Ride (2001) Review: Directed by John Dahl and featuring Paul Walker and Steve Zahn, this is one of the few post-2000 horror films that creates a truly memorable antagonist with our villain, Rusty Nail. This film is a balanced combination of whacky and terrifying. The best part of the idea behind this is it builds behind real life fears of certain people. A lot people are naturally afraid of bikers, rednecks, and truck drivers when in reality they really shouldn’t be and I believe some people know that. But this film harps on the idea that what if one of those things really was a terrifying horror inducing threat. The realism is what makes this film so interesting because the theme is that you never know who a stranger is and what they’re capable of, and that’s an important lesson a lot of people in today’s society need to learn. Because of these themes and ideas, I believe this is a genuinely notable horror film.

            Now let’s talk about the scare factor: The scares in this film are al dente because they are real and could happen to any of us. Let’s start with Rusty Nail telling them to fix their tail light, now that is some heart-sinking shit. It’s the realization that anonymity is not actually a thing in this day and age, anyone can find you if they look hard enough. I would have included this factoid in my problems with the film but I believe that this was necessary for the film to progress: The Lone Star Motel, there are three cars in the parking lot and only one has a CB radio. It was not hard for Rusty Nail to find the boys. Then of course we have the calm scene of mistaking the one ice truck driver of being Rusty Nail only to be jump shocked by the actual Rusty Nail in an intense chase and mental torture scene. The spray painted signs while not an ingenious idea on Rusty Nail’s part, are a nice touch to his psychopathy. I mean, what if they didn’t see them? Roll credits? After this there’s a big truck rundown chase in a cornfield and at this point it starts to lose it’s luster. And last but not least, we have our kidnapping Saw-esque showdown at a motel. But come on, we all knew Venna wasn’t going to die. At this point we’re just waiting to see the fate of Rusty Nail and if he lives on or not. The ending of the film confirms Rusty Nail is still active but we all know Joy Ride 2: Dead Ahead doesn’t contain the original cast. We don’t like to think about this but sometimes the fate of the sequels really does hurt the original film because our cliffhanger is almost meaningless. It’s no one’s fault really, but the damage is done.

             My problems with this film are as such: The acting in this film is poor in a lot areas. We have Paul Walker, our Fast and Furious star, but in reality Paul Walker is not a grade A actor and he comes off campy and unenthusiastic in a lot of scenes in this film. Steve Zahn may frequently be typecast as a goofy jackass but he’s damn good at that typecast so I’ll give it to him on this. Leelee Sobieski did not have too many lines in this film and the ones she did we’re just nothing special at all. While the settings and situations of this film may be unique to the slasher genre they fall short of actually being too interesting despite their uniqueness. Heres how this film could have solidified a decent spot in horror history: Ditch the immortal killer trope and have Rusty Nail be revealed, outed, and killed ceremoniously because after all he is just a human. That is of course just my opinion, I know there are plenty of people who dig the multi-sequel horror franchise vibe. So to conclude the issues with this film, it’s that it is unique in setting but not unique enough for the genre it stands in coupled with the fact that these were clearly filler roles for the actors involved so they did not bring their A-Game.

             I’m going to deep fry this hush puppy at watchable 6/10 because it is a very entertaining film for night of popcorn and fear mongering, but there really is nothing overly special to be found here. Thank you and remember, sometimes taking a look-see might refreshify your memory! 

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Highlights from Sinister (2012)

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 Sinister (2012) Review: This film, directed by Scott Derrickson and featuring Ethan Hawke and Juliet Rylance, is exactly that: a film, just pure cinema. The shots in this film are something to be admired by other horror filmmakers, they really set the tone for this moody, atmospheric, and creepy film. The color palette in this film really plays with the themes of the film, blue is a dominant color representing things that are inherently negative like the police officers and areas of the murder house. 

               Now let’s talk about the scares and the scare factor: This whole damn movie is made of scare factor. It is a slow burn from start to finish and it never gets boring. We start off our scare-scares with Trevor “The Ring”-ing in a box and screaming his head off and at this point we have no idea off Trevor’s medical condition so this is off the walls crazy. And then we have Mr. Boogie of course who makes his appearances in the film reels. My favorite thing about this character was how long it took for him to be revealed. We start off with the shocking content of each film reel and that in itself is enough to be fully creeped out. Then as we get to a good amount into the film itself, we find out that he is present in all of these and is supposably filming all of the videos. It’s that slow burn that makes this film so great, and it’s that slow burn that dramatizes the introduction of each twist and turn in this film. The mystery behind this plot really drives in the scare factor because we know so little throughout the film, and all of the twists and turns make us feel like it, like we know nothing and we are just sitting ducks for whatever could possibly happen. The final moments of the film are the most satisfying type of scary. The realization of what’s really going on which is that Mr. Boogie forces the children to murder their families and the same fate will befall Ethan Hawke. But it’s too late at that point, it’s happening and there’s no stopping it. That’s my kind of twist. 

             My problems with this film are as such: There were some plotting issues. So, cops naturally hate him because of his previous books so they will refrain from helping him in his research. But there is a cop who will help him and despite the comedic value of his daftness he is actually pretty adept. So what was the point of that sub-plot at all? In the grand scheme of things it amounted to nothing. Also the wife clearly overreacted to living in the murder house, in my opinion. They had no money and we’re clearly living in what seemed to be a full on manor beforehand. Anyone would take what they could especially at below market value. And the wife also mentioned how people give her weird looks when she goes shopping, but why? Because her husband badmouthed cops? How do they even know who she is? Why do they care about what he said about police officers, when does anyone in any town give a crap about something like that? The sub-plot of the wife’s quarrels about various things with the husband all seemed very ham-fisted to drive some tension between them when in reality they were very petty things. Yes, he lied about what house they were living in, but he shouldn’t have had to lie in the first place. Also, I don’t like how the wife was never let in on what was happening or any of his research. What purpose does that follow? She was his wife not a newspaper and she could have helped him or at the very least not be left in the dark so she could not scream and shout about his decaying psyche and her insane son. Like yes, your son is having these horrible bouts because your house is haunted, but is your husband going to let you in on that? Fuck it, he probably never figured it out himself.

I’m going to have to give this turkey a highly respectable 8/10 on the ratings chart for it’s immense ups outweigh the downs.

Thank you everybody and remember not to include a picture of your spouse in the books you publish! Goodnight. 

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Highlights from The Gate (1987)

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The Gate (1987) Review: Directed by Tibor Takacs and featuring acting from Stephen Dorff and Louis Tripp, this film has what I call “The 80′s Shield” on it, because you know at some point someone is going to want to remake it, but they won’t be able to top what was already done which is something common with 80′s movies. If they do remake it I hope they have Vin Diesel play all of the tiny bald demons. This is an original and unique horror movie about what happens when 3 adolescents unlock the gate to Hell in their backyard through a series of coincidental mishaps. One thing I noticed about this film is how it touched on my usual disgust for how young people are portrayed in movies. I think the disrespectful and sometimes downright immoral actions of the young adults in this film suit the story quite well because it is this behavior that moves the story forward in many parts such as the one friend who delivers their deceased pet into the pit of hell simply because he is lazy and most likely and asshole. Now let’s discuss the scare factor in this film because it is practical and awe-inspiring. I would like to start with the legendary scene that has haunted me since my childhood in which Terry embraces his dead mother as an angel only to be dealt with the fact that it was the dead body of Angus the dog the entire time. This is something truly disturbing and terrifying to say the least. Then, we would later revisit the dog’s scare factor in which he is revealed to have been placed in Terry’s bed which is then shortly followed by a very notable scene: The “Hey, Kid!” scene where the monsters lunge for the sister from under the bed. Not only scary, but important because that is the “Aha” moment in which our characters realize that this is really happening and they are in trouble. Soon after we are relieved by the sight of the parents returning home only to be met with the disturbing realization that they are a construction of the demon’s with their infamous bellowing of  “You’ve been bad!”. These scares making up only the beginning of the meat of this film and already tension is high. You’re scared, and you’re worried because these demons are into it with some horrifying powers and powerful imagery. The practical effects in this film are very satisfying for their time and won’t leave you discussing some sort of unintended hilarity with their visuals. The practical and physical animation for the demons themselves has aged but not quite much and they are still very believable. During the scene where Terry falls into the gate you might be left thinking “Will he make it out?” because, sure, we haven’t seen anyone die at this point, but the movie is disturbing enough to lead you to believe that it is a high possibility, and that’s just about the best damn thing a movie can do. And just when they close the gate, find their missing friends, wipe the sweat from their brow, and have you thinking that this is finally over... there is a zombie of a man Terry completely fabricated bursting from the wall. And just like that he’s gone like Verbal Kint and we’re dragged back in not knowing anything. Now for our climax after Glen scrambles to obtain some sort of weapon to defend himself, this is where things get hairy. Now that both of his pals are gone, we have the mother of all demons, presumably Satan himself ready and available for his glamour shots. Why does he screech like a Bengal Tiger you may ask? Who knows, maybe it wasn’t in the budget to pitch an audio track of Stephen Dorff singing I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston and then play it backwards, so yeah, tiger screech. Now my criticisms with this film are as such: The acting was pretty damn dry at points, and the written dialogue left a lot to be desired. Also, does a toy rocket really defeat Satan? You could say that it was symbolism that killed the beast but you would have nothing to back up that argument with as the film doesn’t help with that cause by presenting symbolism as an active factor throughout the film. I take it as the writers thinking “Snap! What does a kid have access to in a house that can kill a fallen angel?” and that is what they came up with. And of course the film ends with one of the least admirable tropes: The “Everything is back to normal” trope. Oh? Were you the only ones who could see Hell rising from the ashes of Earth for those 30 minutes? Really? Cool. Let’s act like nothing happened and be relieved. Because it was made clear that they weren’t the only ones who could see these things earlier in the film but yeah, happy ending. Also, tiger screech. Obviously a lot of these criticisms are arguable person to person but this is personally how I experienced the film and felt about it. I feel as though this film is a Must See 7/10 and should be in any reputable horror collection. Thank you, everyone and remember, it isn’t over ‘til the giant worm creature sings.

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Highlights from Prom Night (2008)

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 Prom Night (2008) Review: Directed by Nelson McCormick and starring Idris Elba and Brittany Snow, this movie offers absolutely nothing to it’s viewers. We start the film with a dream sequence that introduces us to the antagonist of the film: a crazed predator who is in love with our main character, Donna Keppel. Yes, it is possible to have a good slasher film where the antagonist is not supernatural in any way, but this movie did it in the worst way possible. There is nothing unique about the murder legacy of Richard Fenton. It’s realistic in a bad way because it’s a played out and boring concept. A guy murders people for a basic purpose such as the love of woman who doesn’t want him back, and later returns for her after being locked up, nothing new here. Similar to many other horror stories it was just a regular cattle to the slaughter film. Line up your characters and introduce them, then have them offed one by one without any character development. This entire film is based on the fallacy that a man who was on the news for murdering an entire family wouldn’t be recognized in the same county after getting a haircut. Yes, he was able to stay out of the public eye, but plenty of people saw him. It’s also notable that Claire’s first reaction to seeing Richard Fenton was to say “Mr. Fenton?” and not scream and flail her arms like a disturbed Rhesus monkey until someone came to help. This movie also added a lot of weird little things, like pointing out to us that Lisa Hines had won Prom Queen. Was it supposed to be ironic because she was dead? I don’t think anyone cared, there were bigger fish to fry at that point. The first current day kill we get to see is that of the maid Maria, who he murders to obtain her master keycard, but you see the problem with that is he could have just pickpocketed her easily, which is a very basic criminal skill. Why not both you say? Because in a logical world you could assume that if you kill the maid  on the 3rd floor, they’re going to start looking for the maid on the third floor. And they do! And he repeats the process by murdering a second person whose job was to be on third floor. So not only is he an uninteresting serial killer, he is also an incredibly dumb one. I’m going to have to fry this particular fish at a rating of 2/10, unfortunately formulaic and uncreative are not what makes a good horror movie. Thank you, and remember that the academic course of Social Studies is not equivalent to a hunky teen.

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Highlights from the film Wrong Turn (2003)

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 Wrong Turn (2003) Review: Let’s start out with the blatantly obvious revelation I’m sure we all had: This film is a bastardization of The Hills Have Eyes. From the booby traps, to the abandon car lot, the inbred rednecks, to the cannibalism. That aside let’s treat the film like it isn’t what I just claimed it is and treat it like an original film that I just happened to come across. We start off the film with one of our favorite horror tropes: The country locals who know exactly what is going on but could not give less of a crap about the fate of our young adult characters. At least in The Hills Have Eyes the gas station attendant had just cause to not get involved with the situation at hand, but in this universe it just seems to be writing off that middle-of-nowhere-southerners are just so care free and lazy that they could not care less. The problem with a lot of post year 2000 horror flicks is that they follow a money grubbing formula that requires no substance or unique screenwriting at all. A couple of young adults get more than they bargain for when they decide to just flat out exist. Brutal murders then follow. I get that some horror fans aren’t keen on the slow burn method of writing, but this movie offered us nothing before it jumped into the killing. I mean all the film did was gather all of our characters in one place, and then the murder commenced. This kind of lazy writing casts a shadow on our favorite genre. Yes, they’re called slasher flicks for a reason, but why should we settle for mediocrity? When did just watching young people get gored satisfy our need for horrific story telling? What about this vanilla horror film should entice me to watch it’s multiple sequels? There isn’t much I can say substance wise about this film because there just isn’t any substance. I suppose the scene where actress Lindy Booth’s body was plopped in front of her hidden friend’s faces was interestingly done, but that in itself is directly trope based like everything else in this film. You knew what was going to happen before you popped the disc into the player. This film marks an era of sub-par popular horror films that we are slowly recovering from. How these films work is they introduce characters that they offer no way to feel any emotion or connection with in any way, and then they kill them off while you hoot and holler because you could care less about them! It’s not anyone’s fault except the people who make this tripe’s fault. I sound like I’m on some sort of high horse here, but I sat there like everyone else wondering “How is this one gonna get offed in the end?” It’s the kind of formulaic film making people are now starting to recognize in other genres. And now, marking the end of my rant, I will rate this film a mind numbing 2/10. Thank you everyone and remember, the pay phones never work.

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Highlights from the feature film Creep (2014)