the-ways-i-like

[the-ways-i-like]

I haven't yet talked about why I stopped updating the blog. My last post at the time was of a lovely moment on our 1st anniversary trip, the day before the actual date itself.

On the day itself, I discovered something that brought my previous trauma to the forefront and we spent months rebuilding trust. You did not do anything close to what he had done to me. But damn if it didn't wreck me anyway.

We talked about it. We still talk about it sometimes. We got through it.

I believe we may not have to ever talk about it again. I hope I'm right.

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I have been reminded of this blog by a dear friend of mine. She read a few posts and was terribly angry with me when she heard I'd never shown you any of the posts I'd written about you. About us.

Our 3rd anniversary is coming up. I'll show you then. I love you, G. More every day. And I miss you more than I could possibly convey.

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You said I was the love of your life last night.

You said you wanted me to be the one who got to see you get old and wrinkly.

You told me you hoped you never had to have a moment without me.

I am so so so scared to lose you. To lose us.

But, you told me you were scared, too.

You told me you would do everything in your power to not have a future without me in it.

And, I believe you.

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On another note: after a year, 2 months and 2 weeks, I finally achieved a feat that no one else ever has.

I made you cum with just my mouth.

And I made you cum hard.

I've officially won the sexual lottery, you can all call me Queen now.

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We finally booked the little vacation at your family's beach house that we've been talking about for months.

I was in the kitchen prepping for lunch when you came in and wrapped your arms around me from behind.

"I was just thinking about how happy I am that we're finally going on a trip together," you said, smiling from ear to ear.

Fuck meeee, I melted.

Just the idea that you were sitting on the couch and being so excited that we were going away together makes me wanna become a puddle on the floor.

We spent this whole month living together! And you were still so jazzed about it!!!

You're so cute, and I don't think I'll ever get used to this.

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Last night, he told me it was hard to imagine a time before me.

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FIRST KILL + text posts

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Watching me get dressed today turned you on. You waited until I was fully dressed and made up to push up against me, running your hands all over my body.

I had to get dressed all over again because you had to have me.

You had to have me twice.

Fuck, you make me feel so sexy.

[the-ways-i-like]

Guys… guys.

As hilarious as all the “how oblivious ARE you?” jokes about Stede are, I think we’re missing the big picture. This isn’t about obliviousness, it’s about trauma.

Stede isn’t ignorant of the fact he’s in love with Ed. he’s been abused his whole life for his queerness and is having trouble conceptualizing that he’s allowed to be.

Notice how Stede immediately has the instinct to walk back his comment of Ed being “lovely”? This is the same man who didn’t even pick up that his very obviously mutinous crew was planning a mutiny, that shit was learned behavior. He’s speaking as a little boy who was tied to a boat and stoned for picking flowers, and as someone who was told mere days ago a man falling in love with him was “defiling a beautiful thing.”

Homophobia/ heteronormativity is alive and well in this world and Stede, being forced to live in the conservative circles he does, would’ve absolutely been painfully aware of it. The fact that he feels the need to ask a woman what it’s like to be in love with a man speaks volumes after he’s already been happily kissed by one and has roleplayed being married to him when lonely. He’s not just casually making conversation then has a eureka moment when he happens to notice the description applies to him and Ed too, he asked specifically to compare them.

It’s him testing the waters and thinking that maybe “they” were wrong. Maybe he’s not broken or pathetic, maybe he never deserved to be treated as such. Maybe he didn’t “seduce” Edward, or “ruin” him, or “defile” him. And maybe his feelings for Ed are just as loving and romantic as Mary’s feelings are for her boyfriend.

It’s such a beautiful moment when he slowly smiles, let’s out that little breath like a sigh of relief, and tells his wife of an arranged marriage with nothing less than wonder in his voice that what he’s found at sea is in fact love. Fuck, it gets me every time.

There’s an absolutely gorgeous through line of queer liberation in Stede’s half of episode 10 after this scene. How he refers to Ed as his “newfound love”, confidently says they’ll “all be great”. He smears the blood on his face himself, breaks his own flowers, all to reach someone who sees him as perfect and beloved exactly as he is. What a fitting ending to his days of crying himself to sleep because he cannot be what everyone’s failed to beat him into.

[the-ways-i-like]

Guys… guys.

As hilarious as all the “how oblivious ARE you?” jokes about Stede are, I think we’re missing the big picture. This isn’t about obliviousness, it’s about trauma.

Stede isn’t ignorant of the fact he’s in love with Ed. he’s been abused his whole life for his queerness and is having trouble conceptualizing that he’s allowed to be.

Notice how Stede immediately has the instinct to walk back his comment of Ed being “lovely”? This is the same man who didn’t even pick up that his very obviously mutinous crew was planning a mutiny, that shit was learned behavior. He’s speaking as a little boy who was tied to a boat and stoned for picking flowers, and as someone who was told mere days ago a man falling in love with him was “defiling a beautiful thing.”

Homophobia/ heteronormativity is alive and well in this world and Stede, being forced to live in the conservative circles he does, would’ve absolutely been painfully aware of it. The fact that he feels the need to ask a woman what it’s like to be in love with a man speaks volumes after he’s already been happily kissed by one and has roleplayed being married to him when lonely. He’s not just casually making conversation then has a eureka moment when he happens to notice the description applies to him and Ed too, he asked specifically to compare them.

It’s him testing the waters and thinking that maybe “they” were wrong. Maybe he’s not broken or pathetic, maybe he never deserved to be treated as such. Maybe he didn’t “seduce” Edward, or “ruin” him, or “defile” him. And maybe his feelings for Ed are just as loving and romantic as Mary’s feelings are for her boyfriend.

It’s such a beautiful moment when he slowly smiles, let’s out that little breath like a sigh of relief, and tells his wife of an arranged marriage with nothing less than wonder in his voice that what he’s found at sea is in fact love. Fuck, it gets me every time.

There’s an absolutely gorgeous through line of queer liberation in Stede’s half of episode 10 after this scene. How he refers to Ed as his “newfound love”, confidently says they’ll “all be great”. He smears the blood on his face himself, breaks his own flowers, all to reach someone who sees him as perfect and beloved exactly as he is. What a fitting ending to his days of crying himself to sleep because he cannot be what everyone’s failed to beat him into.

[the-ways-i-like]

[On the subject of working with Rhys] Can you think of a particular moment where you have to trust in each other? (x)

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Sherlock applies for a role on his dream show.

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On the 7th of June, my period was in full swing and I was suffering after my intern shift at the hospital.

I needed to go to the post office to pick up a package. I had taken a painkiller that hadn't yet kicked in and when you found me exiting the post office, I was in agony.

I leaned on you both emotionally and physically and you took me to get ice cream and a snack at the air-conditioned McDonald's while we waited for my painkiller to kick in.

While we ate and I gradually became a bit more human, you inquired if you could ask me something.

"Say you graduate next year and it doesn't work out for us to be in the same country. If we break up, after trying to make it work long-distance, and somehow end up on the same piece of land again a year or two down the line, would you be open to going out and seeing if the spark is still there?"

1. I love that you assumed that we would attempt to make a LDR work (even though both of us have previously stated individually that it isn't something we would want). You were worth the wait and it is blatantly obvious that we both think it would be a shame to let go of a relationship this good without a fair attempt.

2. You basically asked me if I'd be willing to get back together if we ever broke up in advance. That's adorable. I have never so clearly been shown that my partner sees me as a fixture in their future.

In case you're wondering, my answer to the question was, "Of course".

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I'm pressing flowers from the bouquet you bought me. I wish I could have kept them alive for longer but, alas, I suck.

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I've never met someone who could be kissed to sleep.

You're so freaking adorable.

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You surprised me with flowers on the anniversary of our first date.

No one has ever given me flowers before. Fuck, I want this feeling forever.

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When you found out I was at the ER, you simply handed your father his car keys.

All you said was, "G's in the hospital."

He brought you to me without question.

4 days later, when they were ready to discharge me, you were headed to the train station when your mother called you.

She asked where you were going. You said, "G's going home."

She said, "I'll take you."

And she brought you to me.

And she took us home.

It's been a month but every time I think about what each of you did for me and what you continue to do for me, I feel the tears starting to fill my eyes.

I'm grateful. So, so grateful.