the-web-syndicate - Tumblr blog

[the-web-syndicate]

It’s so hard trying to explain to people that I can be feeling a dozen conflicting things at once. Multiple completely unique views and opinions and reactions to things that are happening. That I can think a situation is a terrible idea AND be excited for it. That I can be angry about something and also not care. That you can see glimpses of both emotions or more and it doesn’t mean I’m lying to you.

That the reason I “don’t tell you anything” is because you always ask, “well, which is it?”

[the-web-syndicate]

We wanted to post some of our poetry! We aren't a poet by any means, and this isn't one of our favorite of our poems, but we wanted to share. This poem is about dissociation, especially depersonalization, which we figured was fitting for this blog. This poem was written at least a year ago, but we don't remember exactly when

Chromatic Aberration

By The Web Syndicate

The wrong colors

The wrong sensations

The wrong timing

It’s wrong, everything is wrong

Strange

Uncanny

My control over my body deteriorates, and I watch as someone else’s hands tap the screen

As someone else’s hands craft words and sentences I don’t recognize, that I never intended to use

As someone else’s hands try, and fail, to do things I know I’m capable of doing

I watch through the window behind the eyes meant to belong to me as my body acts in ways I didn’t intend for it to

I feel my movements at the wrong time, as if I am an afterimage of the body I’m expected to control

I recede further into the back of my own mind, and the only thing I can do is yell at myself for stupid mistakes

Dangerous mistakes

As this disconnect continues, I struggle to think in full sentences

My own internal words confuse me, mashing together incorrectly, incomplete

It’s disconcerting

My eyes glaze over, again and again

I’m unable to control how well they focus

I’m unable to control my comprehension

Unable to control my voice, it’s tone, it’s volume

I feel as though I’m underwater, unable to think

Unable to understand

Why can’t I understand?

What are they saying?

What am I doing?

Why?

The feelings come in waves, the tide falls and rises over and over

Until the imagined fear my brain was protecting against dissipates, the internal sense of safety returned

The world regains its proper speed, my hands make their return to me

I feel disoriented

My memory has become no more than clouds, visible but without substance

I view them in the third person, I watch my memories play back as if I am an outside entity

As if my soul had no connection to my corporeal form

Just as I feel no connection to the memories crafted

They aren’t mine

They weren’t created by me

They weren’t my hands

[the-web-syndicate]

[the-web-syndicate]

u ever read a post that has you so aghast you go “HELLO??” out loud and you look around your bedroom like someone will be there to explain what u just read

[the-web-syndicate]

please put your security questions in the system password book, I do not remember elementary school or growing up on a street 💜

[the-web-syndicate]

I feel like now is a good time to remind everyone that...

Nonhuman is an umbrella term, but it is also a standalone label.

You do not need to also be otherkin, otherlinker, otherhearted, therian, fictionkin, alterhuman (which itself may be 100% human and nothing else) or anything else to call yourself nonhuman. You can, if you want to, just use it by itself. No qualifiers, no further explanation required, no definition beyond 'not exclusively human in some way.'

You don't need to identify physically as not-human. Plenty of nonhumans do, and plenty more don't.

You don't need to identify entirely as not-human. There are lots of nonhumans that are also human, plus whatever else they are. There are similarly nonhumans who are in no way human. The term encompasses both without contradiction.

You do not need to specify any amount of voluntary/involuntary adoption of your identity. You can in fact choose to just be nonhuman because you want to do that, or you can come to it after a long time searching and conclude it's the only explanation, or you can fall anywhere in between.

You do not need to be any specific thing other than some degree of not-human. You can be an animal, plant, object, concept, song, creature, shapeshifter, character, device, AI, color, emotion, or anything else that exists or doesn't, or any kind of mixture of those things.

You do not need any specific reason to call yourself nonhuman. It can be a psychological thing, a spiritual thing, a physical thing, a coping thing, a reclamation thing, even just a 'because it's fun and makes you happy' thing.

You do not need anybody's permission or approval to be nonhuman. There are no gatekeepers who have any say over what a nonhuman is or is not, aside from the definition of the word itself, which is incredibly broad and open to interpretation. This is by design. Anybody who tries to stop you has no right to do so.

Please don't forget that when defining 'nonhuman.' It is not just a big tarp to be thrown over other labels. It is also its own full identity with its own merits and concepts, even if it is a very broad and inclusive identity.

[the-web-syndicate]

I think being a shapeshifter would fix me

[the-web-syndicate]

"OVERWHELMED"

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

[the-web-syndicate]

It’s really neat how you can be in treatment or have proof that you’re dealing with OSDDID and STILL get absolutely clobbered with denial when you least expect it —

I must have made up these guys in my head

Maybe I’m doing this on purpose …

My childhood wasn’t THAT bad … right?

I probably imagined [really awful thing]

Lots of people argue with the multiple “opinions” in their head that have very distinct personalities … that has to be a normal thing …

I’m just really forgetful

Memory is super fallible so I can’t even believe myself

Do I just want to be special …?

If I really had this, they would have caught it sooner

This can’t be real …

[the-web-syndicate]

idk

[the-web-syndicate]

So much happens in our head. We feel everything and nothing at once, the world is blurry and we're a speck of every color that can only appear black because of the intensity of its saturation. We are both impossible to comprehend and the easiest to predict. We've never existed before and we won't exist ever again, and yet in some way we have a consciousness here and now and even though we don't know who we are or what we are we know that *we are* and that isn't enough. That's never enough. But it has to be because we've been given nothing else and no matter how many times we cry out to the universe and beg it for answers just any answers any words that it could gift us it just refuses to heed our broken cry and leaves us to rot in it's vast and deafening silence. We aren't real we aren't real but we have to be because we are *feeling* but we're numb and the combination watches a car through petrified eyes as it remains frozen in place too overwhelmed to make it's next move, and all we have left to do is wait and wane and ebb and flow and try not to disintegrate under the scrutiny of too many eyes why are there so many eyes how can we always be watched and always be lonely how are we so much and so little at the same time we're so many and so few and so overwhelmed and so understimulated and we're so tired

Anyway, we had a breakdown last night and might have split Hatsune Miku 😭

[the-web-syndicate]

how do i uninstall Severe Childhood Trauma

[the-web-syndicate]

*screams into a pillow, cries in a ball, groans, stares at wall* fine.

pk;m new

[the-web-syndicate]

one really frustrating system experience is knowing that you’ve switched but having no idea who’s fronting now.

is it a member we know of, and they’re just acting a little weird?

is it a brand new member?

is it a member that’s been around for a while but we just didn’t know about them?

is it several members co-fronting and blending together?

it’s difficult not being able to pinpoint who’s who, and it’s a problem that’s very uniquely plural.

[the-web-syndicate]

[Text; This system adores Slay the Princess]

[the-web-syndicate]

Sometimes

Triggers delayed

Might trigger right away, might not

And sometimes

Triggers right away, and then delayed too

Maybe it's our distractions not working

But sometimes we get triggered right away

And then it goes away for a bit

And then comes back again

We forget it can do that ehe

It's confusing sometimes

We forget about trigger

And then we're upset and dunno why at first

V silly

Sorry, silly typing, hard to think

-> Blurry

[the-web-syndicate]