theadventuresofbry-blog

[theadventuresofbry-blog]

to my mother.

For 14 years of my life, you have been my worst enemy. Living with you was living like a hurricane. There was always some sense of calm before the storm, but the moment the storm hits, that calm is over. You took away my childhood and made me not only raise myself, but take care of you. I can't even count how many nights I spent worried about how many pills you had taken, or if you were gonna wake up. I can't even tell you how many nights I went without dinner because I felt bad for bothering you or waking you up after a bad day. I know life hasn't been the easiest for you after dad left, but you didn't have to ruin mine in the process. You are not the victim. I am. The reason the family doesn't talk to you? You mentally, physically and verbally abused me to the point where I wanted to kill myself on a daily basis. You wouldn't let me see anyone but you because I was the only thing in your life that you could control. You ruined me. You are the reason I didn't eat for months after I lived with grandma. You have always been the first person I've written my suicide notes to and told my therapists about. You are the cause of most of my issues, and you will never understand that. In your eyes, I caused everything. I'm the reason why you're alone, sad & mentally ill. But at the end of the day, you're the reason why my hands still shake when someone yells. The saddest part is, I don't hate you. I don't want you to die or disappear off the face of the earth like you think I do. I want you to be happy and to let the past be the past. You ruined me, but I forgave you long ago.

[theadventuresofbry-blog]

love isn't always about the cute pictures and flowers,

its about wandering through life with your best friend. its about 2 am trips to walmart for tampons and advil, or even just to look at all the random things you want to fill your house with one day. love is about all the moments. its about those that make you happy and those that make you hurt. it’s about those moments where you look over at the love of your life when they’re sleeping peacefully at 2 am. its about the fights that are over in minutes because you get lost in those big hazel eyes that make your heart melt. it’s about hearing their sleepy voice at 4 am when they wake you up to tell you they love you. it’s about seeing 2 toothbrushes next to the sink in your bathroom and everything you own becomes theirs and vice versa. as scary as it sounds, truly loving someone means giving someone all you have. too many times, you give your everything to someone who will walk away before they even gave you a piece of themselves. but with you, i gave you my everything. and you gave me yours, with no hesitation. 

i’m grateful i’ve finally found this simple love. i’m glad i finally met a man who makes all the bad go away and has become my sunshine after all these rainy days. i’m glad i get to be the girl who gets to mumble good mornings and i love yous to him when he’s rushing out the door. i’m glad i get to be the girl that gets to hear the beautiful music he makes, or even just that beautiful laugh. i’m even glad i get to be the girl he fights with, because fighting with the love of your life is 10000 times better than loving someone completely wrong for you.

life makes love look hard, but loving you has to be the simplest thing i’ve ever done. 

[theadventuresofbry-blog]

add to the top of my list of things I want to do in university: start doing yoga

[theadventuresofbry-blog]

here's to him.

Falling in love after being hurt. After being hurt over and over, love sounds almost as impossible as climbing Mount Everest. The thought of opening yourself up to another person sounds unfathomable. But then I met you. I met you. A boy with green eyes and curls that make my heart race. I met a boy who's voice calmed me like a Poseidon can calm the seas. All it took to fall in love again was two broken souls colliding on the beach one night. You told me over and over how going to the beach calmed your mind, and how all you wanted was a sense of relief. I remember telling you that you'd find someone that put your mind at ease one day, but I was hoping that I would her. I remember seeing your eyes in the moonlight and knowing that those were the eyes I wanted to wake up to for the rest of my life. So here's to the boy who saved me. Here's to the boy who brought me back to life and helped my soul heal again. Here's to the boy who gave me the cliche love story I've always dreamed of. I never thought I could fall so helpless in love with someone. I never thought I could fall in love with every part of someone. His green eyes. The way his hair gets messy in the morning. His laugh. The way his voice gets right before he laughs. And oh my god, that smile. This time last year; I saw that man walk right by me everyday looking like a broken shell. Who knew about the beautiful smile he was hiding. Who knew I'd be falling asleep next to the boy who used to give me butterflies while buying a pack of gum. I couldn't imagine a world without it now. I couldn't imagine a world without hearing him play guitar or see the faces he makes while he strums at my heartstrings. I couldn't imagine a world without having him by my side through everything. In him, I found my sanity, my happiness & the love of my life. He has not only taught me how to love unconditionally, but how to be loved. I can see the love in his eyes every single time he looks at me. Whether if it's over a dinner or while I'm in the passenger seat of his car. I get the same loving look. So here's to him. Here's to that beautiful man who taught me how to love again. Who gave me a future husband and my best friend. Who gave me safety and sanity in this world of craziness. Here's to you J. You're the reason why I'm writing again. I will love you for always.

[theadventuresofbry-blog]

mental health post 1: depression in college

many people have asked me how’ve i’ve made it so far and overcome all the challenges in my life. most of them don’t realize that each bad childhood memory and all the challenges have left a small part in me. for most of my life, i’ve struggled with anxiety and depression, which is kinda like having two villains fighting against one another in your head. while attending school, i’ve realized my life is slightly different then those who are mentally well. i wake up, and the first struggle begins. no matter if i’m tired, if it’s noon or if i’m wide awake, i struggle to get out of bed every morning. I’m sure a lot of teenagers (well everybody) can relate. but the thing is, i never have that get up and go. before i even get out of bed, i have thought out every thing I’m supposed to do for the day and every scenario that comes with it. i can already feel the ball in my stomach start forming when i think about an unfavorable situation, like a car wreck or spilling coffee. i give myself a thousand reasons to not get out of bed, yet for the past few years, i’ve done it almost everyday. (note: I do have days where the demons inside my head do win, and a reason is good enough to spend my day in bed) after getting out of bed, i start getting ready. brush teeth. make sure to avoid looking in the mirror because seeing yourself some mornings can cause a pit of self hatred to form take shower. spend way too long in the shower thinking about more scenarios. finally drag self out of the shower. now for the hard part. do your hair fancy? nah, ponytail type of day (Aka everyday) anything that might make someone notice me (good or bad) makes the ball in my stomach to start growing. now. my one sense of relief. makeup. one thing about myself that i am in complete control of. bye bye dark circles from sleepless nights and hello mediocre, even skin and an average face. back to the struggles: clothing. big t-shirts and leggings have been my saving grace. shopping makes me sick to my stomach and i’m still struggling with a tinge of self hate, so I’ve fallen in love with comfortable and loose clothing. now. the real beginning. say goodbye to my grandma. “drive safe.” “ill try” is my go to response. it’s not like i thought about how many different accidents i could get into between here and my house. some mornings i stop and get coffee at my local starbucks. do i have money on my card? should i check it for the 30th time? do i have cash just in case? do i have my order completely planned? what if they’re out of chai? do i give them my real name to call out? my brain goes a mile a minute with so many questions my head spins. and on top of this, I’m comparing myself to everyone. wow she’s pretty look at her outfit oh wow look at how perfect her hair looks why can’t i look like that. back to reality, pick up my chai and head to class. on my way, i think about every situation laptop charged? did i bring my textbook? did we have homework? do we have a quiz? what if he calls on me? what if someone sits next to me? what if I’m late for some reason? im honestly shocked i haven’t crashed my car since i’m mainly focused on my thoughts. 15 minutes early. first person in the classroom. time to lay out my stuff so i don’t have to make any sounds during class that may draw attention. those 15 minutes are a constant worry, people coming in and settling down. finally class starts and my brain clicks into gear. focus focus focus. wait what did he say? should i ask him to repeat? oh shit now I’m behind. scribble scribble. these notes are atrocious. what’s the point of taking anymore. spend the rest of class trying to pay attention but mainly thinking of more scenarios and the after class explosion of my senses. i pack up 5 minutes early so i can bolt out those double doors to escape from the slamming of doors, constant chatter and squeaking of chairs. the minute i hear “see you next class” i bolt. straight up fast walk to my car. the minute i get into my car, a sigh of relief. one class down. 2 more to go. but. this piece is not to show my weaknesses. for the past few years, this has been my daily routine. i find a way to keep going and to beat the stigma that you can’t live with your mental illness. it’s just another mountain i’m climbing daily. and i’m fighting through it. heres to all the kids who struggle with mental illness yet make their ways through school or work. you should be so proud of yourself. fighting the world around you while fighting your inner demons. heres to those who lost the fight, and decided this world was too much. we still fight for you. everyday is a battle, but one day i will win this war. a war of anxiety and depression.

[theadventuresofbry-blog]

one place I would love to go. favorite artist & favorite type of flower🌻🌻🌻🌻

Van Gogh museum in Amsterdam, surrounded by 125k sunflowers. You’re allowed to take home as many as you want.

[theadventuresofbry-blog]

an introduction

hi. i’m bryanna. this blog is going to become my journal over the next chapter of my life. in less than 2 months, i will be leaving my small town of fort pierce, florida to attend the University of North Florida. i’m an aspiring child psychology major and i will be graduating with my bachelor’s degree in the spring of 2019 (hopefully). over the past few years, my ideas of what i’ve wanted to do, who’ve i’ve wanted to become and where i want to end up has changed over and over again. so. for right now, i’m winging it. i’m going for a major that i’m passionate about and that will get my foot in the door for multiple different paths. i’ve stopped trying to plan every little detail in my life and i’m just doing what feels good and right. 

i’m chasing happiness. happiness has not been a common theme all my life. i was raised by a single mom, who struggled with prescription pill addiction and abandoned by my father before i was born. my childhood was filled with abuse, being extremely poor and mental health issues. by the time i was 14, i was diagnosed with 5 different mental disorders, and i had tried almost every antidepressant/antianixety/antieverything drug. on my first day of freshman year, i was removed from my mother’s house and placed in the care of my grandmother (my mom’s mom). this was done to save the little amount of sanity i had left, and also to break the cycle of abuse that my life had been. 

since then, i’ve grown. the first year was rough. freshman year was full of rebellion, uncertainty and lack of motivation. i couldn’t believe that my life was going to be good. slowly but surely, i started opening up, getting settled and appreciating the life around me. sophomore year was my social year. boyfriends, friends, going to parties and having a social life. life was good. i got adopted and i was making amazing grades in school. i was having the time of my life. between sophomore year and junior year, i met a. my first serious, long term boyfriend. to make the story short, he was a good guy, but we brought out the worst in each other. our fights were borderline abusive and i spend over a year trying to love someone who only kept hurting me. 

my junior year was a little rougher. my relationship controlled a lot of my emotion and i was stressed about school. SATs, ACTs, GPAs.. so many 3 letter acronyms that controlled your entire life. but, junior year wasn’t entirely bad. i fell in love with the school of my dreams, i met my best friend (jenna) & i learned that sometimes, you have to break out of your comfort zone and do what feels impossible. that impossible for me was getting out of a bad relationship and being independent. i broke up with a right before prom, and it was the best thing ever. i spent the night dancing with my best friends and i felt on top of the world. summer before junior year gave me the same feeling. i was causally dating guys i met off instagram, spending days at the beach with my best friend and other random adventures. i felt like a real teenager. summer came to an end and senior year began.

senior year started off with love. i fell in love again, with z. he was a boy with bright blue eyes and 2 loving parents. he was everything my family wanted for me, and everything i thought wanted, too. him and his family made me feel wanted and i ended up feeling like a part of the family. between z and school, my life was going great. i was in my second to last semester of my AA degree and had already been accepted into my dream school, UNF. my life was everything i had dream of and wanted. an amazing boyfriend, good grades, a great group of friends. soon, that reality came crashing down. the morning after my dream homecoming, i woke up to messages and pictures from his ex girlfriend, who basically told me that he was dating both of us and that he’s been lying to me since the beginning. my heart was shattered, but z and me said we could work through it. he opened up about what happened and i tried to forgive. i spent 3 and a half months trying to move on and forget. but i couldn’t. the dishonesty and heartbreak broke me. my anxiety and unhealthy eating habits flared up and i couldn’t eat. i ended up losing 10 pounds over those 3 months. after a long and hard night thinking, i broke up with z and it’s truly the best thing i’ve done for myself. 

since the breakup, i am now in my last semester of my AA degree and counting down the days til i leave for jacksonville. i have a great group of friends and my best friend hasn’t left my side even though i’ve given her every reason to. my family is supportive of me and i’m starting to regain a relationship with my mother. that in itself is a HUGE victory for me recovery wise. i’ve also met a great guy, who makes everything bad in my life worth it. he’s been through a lot of the same issues as me and it’s nice to finally have someone who understands. you never think that you’ll be able to see a life with someone after you’ve been hurt a thousand times, but with him, i can. i’ve been able to open up about a lot i’ve kept bottled up and it helps to have a shoulder to lean on. i don’t know what i’d do without his love and support (plus he’s the reason why i’m so motivated to write again).  i’m still struggling with my own mental illness demons, and i’m in a constant battle with depression and anxiety, but i’m still fighting. i’m not alone and i’m pushing through. 

so. here i am. here’s a new chapter and i cannot wait to write, take pictures and document my way through it.