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[thechroniclesofagenz]

1. mother's day

a thought that has been around my head this past week was 'what i am going to buy for mother's day for my mom and my grandma?' well, i'm still trying to find a correct answer, because the incorrect one would be nothing.

yes, no gift, for both of them.

"but they're your mother and your grandmother! why being so rude like that?"

mostly? because of trauma. and when i mean trauma, i mean severe trauma.

the first time i heard that i had anxiety it would be around my 12-13 years. new school, new routine, new everything. that triggered me my first symptoms of anxiety: heavy head scratching until my scalp bloods and things that i would learn later that they were actually panic attacks, and not 'being a spoiled brat' as my mom would scream at me to stop and just make everything worse.

at 14, i remember hiding myself from my grandma who would come to my house and check every single room to see if i had tidy, cleaned and make it nice. why? because im a girl and no boy would like a careless girl. if i hadnt done the dishes, my life would turn into hell in seconds. stop everything i was doing, no matter if it was from school or important, as a girl i must do all the chores in the house.

at 18, i had a severe injure while traveling and my mom screamed all the time to 'stop being so annoying! it's not hurting that much!'. in fact, i've ruptured all my ankle tendons, had microfractures in my feet and i was agonizing in pain. of course i was screaming of pain!! it was peak unbearable for me!! and at the hospital she couldn't stop dragging in my face how i've ruined the trip.

at 19, i've stayed a little bit overtime in college because i had stuff to do and i only told my dad. my grandma would call me and scream at me why i wasn't at home yet and demanded explanations when i told her that i was already an adult and i was doing my stuff. she gets mad for the way i'm responding her but, i don't care anymore.

i have never truly felt loved by womans who were, supposed to, be my role model. i did learned what i do not want to be from them for sure.

as a little girl, i just wanted to feel loved by my mom. i always envied my friends whose had such a good relationshop with their moms and can really count on them. my mom always told that we weren't friends and i shouldn't treat her like so, but demanded to me to be sweet as i am with my friends.

getting older made me realize that i can call myself motherless for sure. she was always so busy with work, barely keeping up with what happened in my life, always buying me gifts instead of hugs and moments together, being so cruel when i would do the minimal mistake and never saying that she was proud of the woman that i've become.

but i had find a mother in other persons, like her friends. it's kinda ironic that her own friends would make me feel like a daughter around them than my own mother. they would give me advices, help me and listen to me and validate my feelings, as i've almost begged to my mom to do it. but she never could.

i also had older friends who were a mother to me in multiple times, when i needed a more mature opinion and without being judged, they would come with open arms to help me.

a close mother figure would be my aunts, for sure. specially my mom's younger sister.

last year i travelled to her house and i spend a week with her and i do still regret for not getting more time. she would remember the things i liked when i was younger and ask 'do you still like this?', she would cook my favorite foods and the thing that always gets me: she would hug me. caressed me. i remember an afternoon i was laid down in sofa watching a movie and she approached to me and started to massaging my feets, asking 'you loved this when you were younger. do you still like it?'. i flinched at the first touched, but she continued, not caring even if my feet was dirty (my mom would call me disgusting by now) and i blinked a few times, trying to hide my tears. tears of happiness. of tenderness.

even with all that, my mom isn't a bad mom. maybe she just never wanted to be a mom and i've ruined all of this. and my grandma never had a daughter and would try to use me as this.

for the gifts, maybe plants will do the job. they both like it so it's an easy choice for my wallet too :)

[thechroniclesofagenz]

presentation letter

hi there! we aren't back in 2004 exploring our blogs era again but this is 2024 and we are actually burned out by social media. i mean it.

maybe it's just me who doesn't want to spend hours scrolling endlessly on instagram because i'm bored and sometimes tiktok seems more useful and funny, even though my screen time said that i've spent about 2h46min watching the most random videos in my week.

of course, i forget that this is a presentation about me, and not the rant just yet.

but hi, i'm ella, a genz who's already burned out from the corporate world and just wants to live more chilly and actually enjoying doing things. i may be born in the milleneal year, but i don't have a passion to work hard like the other generation before me.

(don't even give me that look, you know who you are)

this blog is just a free expression of myself who really misses a silly rant, isn't good recording videos about their daily struggle or i just want to share a pretty pic that i took when i went to the office.

(at least the day was worth it, right? i guess so)

i hope you like your stay and well, feel welcomed to be here!

xoxo, Ella