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[thecorporateweeb]

July 18, 2024

The other day, I had a nightmare. Before bed I made a point to repeat positive affirmations. Time spent restless became time envisioning a happier me. One laughing and walking with confidence. I imagined myself with free time to savor precious moments. My ideas actualized. Creativity shining through my clothing and make up. Surrounded by loved ones. I was brave and my authentic self. I went to sleep feeling closer to that girl.

That night, I ended up having an unfortunately vivid dream that essentially forced me to relive one of the most powerless moments of my life. At first, it felt as though my subconscious was punishing me for trying to believe I could have value.

But then i made a cup of coffee and realized that I was looking at it all wrong. Yes, this horrible thing did happen and i have struggled with self worth since. Yes, I remember it and yes it happened already, blah blah blah. But you know what? it passed. It already happened. It might always come up any time I feel good about myself. So....what? I'm just gonna let it continue to have power over me? My joy? It just tried to trip me up! Will I allow it to set limitations on me? Will I lose to it? Maybe I'm a little insane for feeling competitive with it, but i don't want to let it win. I don't like it.

I have no interest in trapping myself in one of Itachi's Tsukuyomis!!! (lol). I want that lovely version of me to win. I want her to say "yeah yeah whatever" and do what she wants anyway. All the pain that I have endured and all the loss I have known will always be with me and within me. We share a life together, so how will we spend our time? I think we will laugh. We will definitely cry. We will do as much good as we can. We will be gentle and enjoy victories and we will play.

The next night I dreamt that I grabbed a seat and slid across a gassy field laughing, enjoying the wind and sunlight and the smell of the grass. With my hands and legs out in the air, gliding, I thought, "this is what life is all about". Yeah, I think that girl is going to be okay.

Good luck out there friends! <3

[thecorporateweeb]

June 12, 2024

Ahhh another day, another dollar. Those words have melted days, weeks, years into one. I find myself in the same place I've been in for a while now. Except this time I forgot to watch the seasons change outside the window. The incentive to stay is always the same, "can I really do better than this?". After months of melted days, I wake up, look around and I am haunted by the question, "What am I doing?". Time is perhaps the most valuable thing in life and I am melting it away for just enough money. I realize that lately there is no sparkle in my eye about the future. I am no where near my dreams or aspirations. I look in the mirror and accept what I see---> a gray blob standing still.

I imagine myself on a long path in the mountains. In the dark, it is quiet. I picture that scene of Sora in the beginning of Chain of Memories. Big changes and big leaps always feel as ominous and significant as that scene to me. However standing still is a horror much greater. Thankfully, it is never too late to turn it all around. So…what to do? I made a list of steps to take before I can quit my silly little insurance job and start fresh!

ALL Medical/Dental appointments

Apply to Jobs

Quit

Yes, I realize this looks ridiculous. The simplicity of it makes me laugh because in reality, it is not so complicated. (Also side note: When in doubt, alwaaaays make a list.) I can't help but look back at all the blind hope I oozed in January and feel that i owe it to that little rose tinted fool to take action. Also I'm mostly just tired of being a grumpy little guy. It would be a treat to live a life less grumpy. As usual, wish me luck!

[thecorporateweeb]

癒しの自然風景

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January 10, 2024

This morning I ran out of coffee. What one might initially view as an inconvenience, turned out to be lovely. Music sounds different in the car. Cold air is extra crisp in the morning. As I took my first sip, I noticed a tea house called "Tea 'n Tea", which made me laugh. Was it a play on that ACDC song? Do they just really love old cartoons? Why was each word a different color? I found pleasure in that little moment appreciating the person who's ideas had transmuted into that silly sign that made me laugh.

A gentle, yet cold breeze reminded me that each day has just a little bit of magic. Cheesy maybe, I know, but it excites me nonetheless. I read something recently that said, "The hardest battle you will ever fight will be the battle between who you are right now and the person you want to be". I guess that is true. Most of us are in the fight of our lives each day...desperately fighting to be better than we were the day before, sometimes hating ourselves in between. Does growth always have to be painful? Although some days I question, I don't believe that's true. Uncomfortable? Unfortunately that one is true.

In that book I mentioned before, The Artist's Way, Julia Cameron says, "Jump and the net will appear". Well, I'm finally starting to jump and leap all over the place so that net better be there! Although I have fallen more times than I have stood tall.

"So let go, so let go jump in oh well, whatcha waiting for? its alright 'cause there's beauty in the breakdown"

Those lyrics sound extra sweet today. I do know that there is beauty in the breakdown, but may I live a life that knows beauty in the outcome? I guess I wouldn't dare discount the good fortune that has entered my life. Somehow, I am thankful for it all. I am both uneasy and liberated by the fact that I do not control the outcomes. The only thing left for me to do is try my best and keep going. As reminded by a playful yet reassuring gust of wind, every day has just a little bit of magic. With my feet firmly planted on the ground, it looks like I am standing tall today.

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Rainforest umbrellas on a sunny day

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Bolehill Wood by Paul Newcombe.

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Naruto // Masashi Kishimoto

[thecorporateweeb]

January 8, 2024

Its a new year and I'm feeling all excited and cliche about the year ahead. I am determined to get it together and become more like the woman I always wanted to be. I have decided that this will be the year of action and accountability. Yes, all the A's! Ambitious, annoying. I will see to it that my thoughts and ideas take a physical form. So, I tried to journal last night. I guess I have been feeling sort of lost lately, like I am forgetting myself a little bit. Usually journaling helps me remember, little by little. Day after day. I've been doing it most of my life now. With shelves full of used books, diaries grew into journals.

With a little guidance (a lot of guidance) from a book called, The Artist's Way, I would challenge myself to write every morning and would actually show up to the page 6 out of 7 days. I'm the type of person who will try just about anything, no matter how silly it might seem, if it will help me in some way. And when I find something that works, I integrate it into my life for good. Lately, I am finding that I am lucky to get a sentence or two out every few days. Something isn't right with me. And undeniably, I am stubborn. Once I realized this shift I knew I would have to force myself into the habit again. I had taken my hot shower and washed the day away. I got my journal and my favorite pen and tried to find a movie to put on for some background noise. I figured, something light and feel good. I saw that I was about 30 minutes into Eat Pray Love from a few weeks ago when I had went on a Julia Roberts movie marathon and decided that would work.

Before I knew it I had gotten completely lost in the movie. I looked down at my page only to see a "hello" and the date. Isn't it amazing how you could see a movie a million times but one day it feels brand new? I was right on the scene where Julia Roberts was telling her friend her big plan to go away for a year. Her friend called her crazy, understandably. But her friend had said something like, "a lot of women feel this way, they get married young, do the white picket fence thing and play the part well into their thirties and realize maybe this isn't for me anymore". Also I'm heavily paraphrasing and also its probably rude as hell to keep referring to Viola Davis as "Julia Roberts' Friend" but you get the point.

How embarrassing! How stupefied I was, and still am! I thought about the fact that this sad description unfortunately fits me. It is a humbling and mortifying experience to accept that the road you chose didn't go where you thought it would go and never felt the way you were so certain it would feel. How painful, the loss of a dream you fought for years to come true. Like trying to empty the ocean with a bucket, I did nothing but pass time. How painful it is, to experience the death of a dream.

Somewhere along the way, the ambitious, adventurous, wacky girl within me had fallen asleep. And in her sleep, she could only dream of who she once was and who she always wanted to be. I spent years missing that girl. Triumphantly enough, through years of running in the mountains, disturbingly repeated songs, and frequent therapy sessions I finally woke her up. Oh god did it feel good to remember how to live awake.

And now here I am, after another borderline comical series of unfortunate events, the kind that you just have to laugh at, I ended up in the same place I had learned to sleep.

I guess I didn't end up having my quiet meditative writing session I hoped for, but I remembered just a little more through inspiration and that is good enough for me.

Later in the movie when Julia Roberts is in Rome with her new friends, they talk about how places all have a "word". They asked her what her word was, to which she answered "I used to be daughter, then wife...eh, not so good. Then girlfriend...eh, not so good. I guess my word is writer." They told her writing is what she does, not who she is, "Who are you?". After a blank look, her friend chimed in with "maybe you are a woman in search of a word". I wondered, do I have a word? Immediately the word "lovely" came to mind. Am I allowed to choose lovely? For some reason my eyes started to water. I would like to be lovely in my life. I would like to love and be loving. May I be bold? Brave? Am I bold enough to exist exactly as I am? Am I brave enough to be vulnerable out loud? I guess I'll go to sleep and find out tomorrow. But tomorrow is a new day and I am choosing to be lovely.