thecosmiccoven

[thecosmiccoven]

A lil help if you've got it

Hey all, my friend and I have been struggling recently and could use some support. We're both survivors of childhood prostitution(me through my church), along with abuse and neglect from family. Currently both suffering from chronic pain that low-income doctors refuse to treat along with a fun mixture of mental illness due to our environments growing up. Were previously working but the pain increase made it impossible to continue. So yeah, life's been a struggle for us for a while, but we've been fighting to keep surviving and make things work by donating plasma and hustling where we can.

Last month we lost our housing and were unable to find a new place in time, forcing us to spend $50 a night on hotels, sometimes up to $80, sometimes sleeping on the streets. Recently even being harassed and threatened with arrest by police for "camping" even though we were just napping on a blanket during public park hours.

We've been very lucky and moved into a place this past Sunday for only $100 a week. However we're completely out of savings and are reliant on plasma donation to pay rent. Plasma donation is dependant on your health, so if you have a high heart rate from anxiety, high blood pressure from a bad pain day, or if anything goes wrong during the donation process you can be deferred from donation anywhere from 1 day to 3 months(which was my last deferral, the machine malfunctioned and I was unable to have my blood returned).

The good news is that at the end of this month (as he's now in school), he will be receiving financial aid and we will be more stable. Plus now that we have an address I can finish my application with vocational rehab which helps disabled people find work, which I'm am very much looking forward to doing again, so we just need to get through this month.

We're seeking either donations or even a small loan to help us through that we can pay back with a bit of interest, we only need to raise $100 to keep us going. He also does art and is happy to take commissions HERE. My CashApp is $Donji69, please leave a note if you would like to be paid back!

Thanks so very much to anyone that can help or even just pass this post along! 💜

[thecosmiccoven]

So I dont think we've talked about this but...

We really dont want interaction from people close to thel@byr*nthsy$tem. A few of us were dating a couple people in that system, and we lived with them for about 8 months. We havent talked about what happened in those 8 months, and likely still wont share that publicly for a while. If you want more information, you can feel free to message us to find out more, but we politely ask you not share this, or any screenshots of private conversation with us publicly, or with the mentioned system. We will make information public once we are ready but it still is not the time for that.

[thecosmiccoven]

[thecosmiccoven]

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[thecosmiccoven]

[thecosmiccoven]

This post is for everyone with a form of trauma that seems so outlandish that nobody around them believes it really happened

To every victim of kidnapping

To every victim of torture

To every victim of robbery, arson, and home invasion

To every victim of ritualistic abuse

To every victim of a crime or assault that seemingly happened for “no reason”

To every victim of repeated abuse who feels the more they bring it up the more people think they’re talking about it for attention

To everyone who was abused by someone in a posion of power, like a police officer or a teacher

To everyone whose abuser was younger than them

To everyone whose abuser is famous or otherwise adored within their community

To everyone whose abuser was female

To everyone who was a victim of child on child assault

To everyone who never had enough evidence to bring it to court

To everyone who lives in a state where the system is tilted in the favor of the abuser to the point where bringing it to the police did nothing

To everyone so outwardly high-functioning that nobody believes them when they talk about trauma

To everyone who has a dissociative disorder because of what happened to them who struggles to hide it in polite company because nobody would believe them if they began to explain it

To everyone, everyone who feels like they can’t bring it up on tumblr out of fear that nobody would believe you and everyone would think you’re just lying for attention.

Your trauma is real. It is just as real as anyone else’s. We believe you.

[thecosmiccoven]

wake up half empty

[thecosmiccoven]

If you are scrolling through Tumblr trying to distract yourself from something you don’t want to think about, or you’re looking for a sign. It is going to be okay. Just breathe. You are alive and you matter. 

[thecosmiccoven]

Let’s Talk About Dissocation

Dissociation is a defense mechanism used by the mind to protect oneself from a perceived threat. Witnessing or experiencing a traumatic incident or enduring chronic abuse may result in the development of this mental process. Dissociation is most often developed during one’s childhood, as children are more susceptible to imaginative thinking and escapism during times of stress. Once this method of detachment has been learned it can be difficult to rid oneself of it, thus leading to interference in one’s daily life even after they have escaped the abuse. 

Dissociation can be difficult to handle when you’re in a public setting such as work or school, or when you’re around friends and family who are unable to recognize the signs. It’s common to be stuck in an uncomfortable situation dissociating and not knowing what to do. It’s common to dissociate without knowing you’re dissociating. It’s common to feel overwhelmed or controlled by your dissociation.

This post is going to focus on the impact of dissociation in each area of one’s life and how to deal with it. Recognizing when you are dissociating and how you dissociate is a great first step to becoming more self-aware and gaining more control over your trauma.

Signs at school:

Repetitive memory lapses, including forgetting assignments or forgetting taught material. Based on the severity, you may only remember the basics of a subject, or you may have forgotten the basics (such as simple division or multiplication in math)

Feeling like other students are robots, or are not real, or are duplicates. This feeling may be more intense when walking in hallways between classes, or during recess or lunch

Feeling as though your desk or reading materials are twenty feet away despite them being inches from you

Staring at the clock yet being unable to read it

Poor grades caused by memory lapses, or poor grades caused by apathy resulting from a sense of derealization

Static in your vision when reading or feeling like your peripheral vision is closing in on you or darkening 

Teachers or classmates repeating questions to you multiple times because you did not hear them, not being receptive to interaction

Writing letters backwards without knowing, presenting disarrayed and odd essays

Staring at your assignment unblinkingly for minutes, acting as if you are frozen or in a catatonic haze

What can you do?

Use your five senses to connect with reality. Without being distracting to other students, fiddle with your eraser or pencil, or flip repetitively through the pages in your book. Do anything you can to feel physically present. If your teacher would allow you to, using a stress ball to squeeze may help tremendously 

Keep your eyes moving. By remaining active, you’ll reduce the amount of “spacing out” you experience. Repetitively blink your eyes and look around the room. Avoid staring at one spot for a prolonged period of time.

Use humor. Look at your teacher and imagine them wearing something funny or saying something ridiculous. Think of a joke you know that always makes you smile

Look for opportunities to become more engaged with your surroundings. If you’re having trouble reading, volunteer to read out loud if possible, as this may help you process the information better. If the teacher asks if anyone has a question, ask one to engage in conversation and distract yourself. This is a good way of interacting with someone without getting in trouble 

If you have to, dismiss yourself to the bathroom and splash some cold water in your face. This may help you come to your senses

If you know of any specific triggers at school, whether it be a person or a certain room, try to avoid being around them, or in that room. If there is no way of avoiding your triggers, mentally prepare yourself before facing the triggers and have a plan set up ahead of time for if you do begin dissociating

Signs at work:

A sudden decrease in performance for seemingly no reason

Repetitively messing up orders or misconstruing information given to you by a customer or client

Feeling as though you are staring right through a customer or client

Severe memory lapses, such as forgetting tasks you’ve practiced for months, forgetting the name of the business you work for, or forgetting your name when introducing yourself to a customer or client

Coworkers commenting on your behavior, possibly saying you’re acting cold, quiet, rude, or distant

Reacting intensely to any mistakes you make; alternatively, acting completely indifferent towards any mistakes you make

Getting lost in thought when coworkers are talking to you

Feeling compelled to act in a certain way, monitoring your every action, feeling as though you are pretending to be you

What can you do?

If possible, walk as much as you can to remain active. This will be much easier to achieve for people who do not have desk jobs. If you have a desk job, interact with items on your desk. If you’re allowed to, bring an item to work that’s interactive that you can adorn your desk with

If you have a desk job, tape a piece of paper to your desk or cabinets to remind you of what to do when you feel this way, or tape a joke or something lighthearted such as a kitten image

If you’re given breaks, take advantage of them. Eat something, splash cold water on your face, listen to music, or if you’re allowed to, drive to a nearby gas station or store to get out of the building and become more attuned to your surroundings. Being in an open area with fresh air may help

Create games to keep yourself focused on something other than your dissociation or trauma. Examples would be seeing how many customers you can make smile, or seeing how many customers you can get to order a specific item, or seeing if you can convince a coworker to buy you a coffee

Talk to your boss if needed. The way you approach the conversation should be based on their personality and level of knowledge regarding trauma or mental disorders. You may need to compile resources for them to read or retrieve some type of note from your therapist for them to read. Effective communication is a vital key to maintaining any relationship, whether it’s romantic, platonic, or purely business. 

Signs at home:

Identity confusion, such as acting in a fashion you or your family and friends would consider offensive

Out of body experiences, feeling as though you are watching yourself from above

Feeling as though you are in a movie

Friends or family members saying you have a “glazed” look, or that your eyes appear empty

Experiencing an inability to feel pain, developing a numbness to it

Objects around you appearing diminished in size or looking artificial

 Severe memory lapses, such as forgetting the name of your street, forgetting who your close friends are, or forgetting specific periods of your life

Not recognizing yourself in the mirror

Tunnel vision or blurry vision

A lack of belonging when out with family or friends

Being unable to account for things you’ve done, such as not remembering completing a purchase, not remembering writing a letter you’ve found, or finding unexplained clothes in your closet

Time loss, or feeling as though you’ve forgotten everything during a period of time, or feeling like you’ve blacked out

What can you do?

Count different colored things in the room. Three red things, five greens things, and so forth. Doing this is a good way to distract yourself and stay aware of your surroundings

Take a cool bath or shower

Hold ice cubes in your hand or put your hand in a bowl of ice cubes. This will wake you up and is a good way to avoid self-harming if you want to feel something

Engage in a productive hobby you enjoy, such as drawing, writing, or reading

Start cleaning

Instead of texting, try calling a friend. Hearing someone’s voice may help ground you

If you have a pet, interact with them. Let them crawl on you or sit on you. Play with them. Talk to them

Take a long whiff of a strong yet pleasant scent, such as a candle, flowers, or air freshener

[thecosmiccoven]

Finally sat down and made this, after a lot of deliberation.

This casual explanation addresses the theory of Structural Dissociation in regards to DID/OSDD, and if you’d like to learn more you can read “The Haunted Self” by  Onno van der Hart, Ellert Nijenhuis, and Kathy Steele. Or you can check out this article written by the same authors. Be warned, both are quite clinical and use language you might find confronting if you are a system!

Learn more about: Integration Parts In Control How Alters/Parts are Experienced Internally

[thecosmiccoven]

It’s okay if you thought you were over it but it hits you all over again. 

It’s okay to fall apart even after you thought you had it under control. 

You are not weak. Healing is messy. And there is no timeline for healing. 

[thecosmiccoven]

[thecosmiccoven]

So lately I’ve been trying to get into listening to more new music. I happened upon a song that really resonated with me as a former / now recovered persecutor, and I really think those in the same boat should give it a listen and see if it also resonates with them. 

It’s called Innocent Party by Jetty Bones 

Some of the lyrics/verses that stand out a lot to me under the cut (possible TW for implications of (c)sa under the cut as well)

“ I can't change the person I was before I met you I can't change where I've been” 

“ I wasn't always the person that I am now But I worked so hard to get here And all I want is for you to hear me out Or am I singing to a crowd of new deaf ears? I haven't always been quite this innocent But I worked so hard to get here Haven't always been quite this innocent But I worked so hard to get here” 

“The road to recovery was a long one In case you want to know I was reduced to nothing but my shell While trying to find someone who would love the exterior Well, I subsequently destroyed my inner self”

“He borrowed my body until my skin started rotting through my head I woke up alone and these jutting bones were all that I had left I was all that I had left And I felt totally inept I tried to use my body to connect”

[thecosmiccoven]

[thecosmiccoven]

I think one of the hardest things about DID for me is getting tons of horrific feelings via passive influence and knowing they aren’t “your feelings”, but having zero context for what is causing them and where they’re coming from. It fucks me up.

[thecosmiccoven]

reblog if you love your system

[thecosmiccoven]

Die

Lol