thedarlingdarla

[thedarlingdarla]

[thedarlingdarla]

[thedarlingdarla]

VOTE FOR ME!

[thedarlingdarla]

The avoidant partner

Funny the older we get we realize who we exactly are and what roles we play, how trauma genuinely effects us in some way shape or form, how we once thought we were this type of person, but are now realizing we're actually different.

I suffer from PTSD, Trauma, depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. I AM NO WHERE NEAR EASY TO DEAL WITH, let me make that very clear. However with that being said, those mental health issues I felt made me an anxious attachment type person, until yesterday. After arguing with my SO and trying to explain I don't express feelings in detail and it takes me time to process, not to mention wanting space and feeling overwhelmed when I'm told big emotions and when shit gets really real. It's like I want to speak but words don't come out, my physical health issues flare up from the extra anxiety and I start to feel like I need to run. I need to exit stage left as quickly as possible.. which in turn made me think, that's not anxious attachment, that in fact is avoidant attachment.

Now before I get into avoidant attachment let me start by saying my bpd LOWS make my avoidant soooo much worse. Imagine being an over thinker and being in an extreme low where you just feel like if a spec of dirty landed on you, you'd suffocate, and honestly just not giving a fuck if it did, but still struggling to breathe... now add to this feeling a SO who expresses how they feel and then asks you a question about something and then asks why and how it makes you feel and just wanting to burst into tears because you can't explain things like a normal human being and you don't express feelings in such a manor, but you don't even know how to express even that without seeming like a heartless asshole. I wish I could express feelings like he does, I wish I could go into detail on things like he does, but looking back, I've been this way for 25 years... since my parents got divorced. Between all the traumas and abusive relationships and parents who gave me more than enough issues and being a young single independent mother, expressing feelings wasn't a thing. If I expressed feelings I was the problem, if I had an opinion it was an issue, so I learned to be alone and deal with things internally.

Being avoidant makes relationships extremely hard, and I've come to realize, I am in fact the problem. I mean let's face it: I'm a single, overly independent woman with mental health and physical health issues, I use sex to avoid my problems, I overthink, I can't help but argue even when I don't try to, I run from my problems, and I'm a ginger who doesn't have a soul and I'm the Siren for a reason.. at least that's the joke my friends make.

Avoidant partners withdraw when they feel overwhelmed, because we feel like there's too much emotional pressure, we're not rejecting you, it's our natural response, we have to have space to process our feelings.

We distract with other activities, it helps us when we're overwhelmed to not deal with emotions and tough conversations that may make us feel exposed. It helps us decompress and give us time to regain our control.

If we get too overwhelmed we shut down as a self-defense mechanism.

We avoid difficult conversations, we disengage, change the subject. Just know we do care, we just don't know how to cope with intense emotions and conversations.

We HAVE to have space to reprocess, we have to emotional recharge, it gives us time to process our emotions and regain clarity, so we don't spiral.

We WILL reconnect when we're ready, once we have our space and process we often come back ready to reconnect once we're level headed and emotionally stable.

Avoidants aren't bad people, they just been conditioned to not express themselves because someone/everyone in their lives have made them feel like their emotions were wrong or that they didn't matter.

But here's the thing about avoidant partners, we prioritize actions over words, like acts of service. We value independence. We're consistent, even though we're not overly expressive.. meaning we show love through reliability and we express love through shared activities.

And maybe being this way makes me a red flag, or I'm the problem or that I'm hard to handle. But at least I finally can admit I'm partially to blame for the things in my life. Were the people I dated narcissists? YES 100%. Was everything in our relationships their fault? No! Neither of us realized I was an avoidant attachment style partner.

Now I know, now my SO knows, now he understands and is willing to help me and speak to me in a way that won't make me wanna run the opposite direction when things get tough. The genuine understanding and patience this man has for me makes me wanna be better and it makes me fall more and more in love with him everyday. I don't know what I did to deserve him or why he puts up with me of all people, but I'm glad he does. Honestly I think I'm insane, but he tells me everyday I'm not, cause he sees right through all of it and sees the things others never saw in me, things I didn't see in myself.

My advice- if you're the partner of an avoidant, be patient and read into how to help them, also listen when they ask for space. If you're the avoidant one, try your hardest not to run away and do yourself a favor, look into avoidant partners and really research it and read about it and learn how to be a better you! 🥰

-Spicy 💋🌶️

[thedarlingdarla]

Spicy content creator issues..

Let’s talk about the issues that come with spicy content creation…

1. We get a bad wrap a lot of times, we get name called, degraded, some of us can’t get a man to even actually date us because we sell content which makes relationships difficult.

Now when I say we get a bad wrap and are name called, I mean we’re slut shamed and told we’re disgusting, and all these other things. Now when I say men have problems with dating a woman who does spicy content, it’s always on dating apps… if you have OF swipe left, if you do this swipe left. Women normally aren’t selling for enjoyment, they’re selling as a means to get by. A lot are single moms who have full time jobs and do it as money for themselves, because all of their main income goes to supporting their children, their home, etc. Not wanting to date a woman who sells content, I get it, everyone has a preference and opinion, but sometimes I wish they’d look at it from another perspective.

2. People think it’s okay to take said content and do with it as they please.

Honestly as a spicy content creator, you know you’re risking things getting leaked and that if you’re posting it online it’s no longer your own on certain platforms. Weigh the pros and cons and think if you can live with your shit getting leaked.

3. People will make fun of you at some point.

People are mean and nasty and will inevitably make fun of you at some point. Maybe not to your face, but it will happen… it’s the nature of life.

4. If you’re doing spicy on public platforms like clapper it’s bound to be drama at some point.

It’s inevitable, people have no lives. Women will get butthurt they’re not gifted, women will get butthurt someone’s in another live, some will get butthurt about all sorts of stupid shit, and some men when they don’t get what they want, call you names, some send unsolicited dick pics, some harass, but at the end of the day theirs a block button, and all those haters are doing is driving your business up.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT SPICY CONTENT CREATING IS NOT FOR THE WEAK, AND MOST OF YOUR PERSONAL CONTENT WHEN SENT/POSTED ON PUBLIC PLATFORMS IS NO LONGER YOUR OWN!

Thanks for listening to my Ted talk…

-Spicy 🌶️💋

[thedarlingdarla]

Help!!!

So a friend of mine and I have been talking about doing the silhouette paintings of the boobs and asses. She's been doing hers. But I want mine to stand out, I wanna make them painted like different things or have patterns or cool back grounds or do like a side view shot, or whatever. But I was wondering what tips or things would you suggest?

[thedarlingdarla]

will it stop it?

being told that I'm empathizing too much and then being told that I only think about myself?

spending my life monitoring everyone else's emotions that I become too numb to feel my own?

made to feel that I am entirely too much for anyone to handle and not enough to be cared for?

needing to be self sufficient because "no one should be expected to meet your needs" but being the one everyone falls back on when the world falls apart?

that "you didn't get what you wanted because you deserve something better" while being trapped in the place that broke me?

the world owes you nothing but you have to give everything to survive?

what is it? will it stop it?

[thedarlingdarla]

Love Is

[thedarlingdarla]

You can't keep pushing away how you feel, Life is too short for that, let it out ............

[thedarlingdarla]

Is he worth losing?

The short answer, no! The long answer: no and here’s why…

He validates every crazy thought, emotion, etc.

He supports everything I do.

He cherishes me, not just the things he likes, but literally all of me.

He doesn’t try to change me

He talks to me like a human being

He loves me, and shows me everyday.

He respects me.

He wants the best for me.

Even when I’m mad at him or sad he never once takes it out on me.

He puts me in my place when needed.

He constantly makes sure I know all these things and more

He repeatedly tells me I’m beautiful.

He prioritizes me

He trusts me.

He’s handsome and smart, and funny, and protective and caring and validating and more.

Everything I’ve stated he does 10 fold and more, but me the fuck up, seems to fuck it up and push until people say to me, KEEP IT UP AND IM GONE. so to speak in short terms. Getting my shit together isnt easy. Depression, borderline personality and bipolar and trauma and anxiety and PTSD are my issue and let me tell you trying to get them to all collide and align isn’t fucking easy. The LOWS ARE LOWS, and they banish fuckers and the Highs are amazing and unstoppable. I’m just done with myself and done pushing away the wonderful human described above.

[thedarlingdarla]

Q&A about me:

LA or Darla (Name)

Single mom to a 10 year old boy.

Age: 30

Yes I’m in a relationship, no it’s not with the father, however it is long distance.

His father is in a relationship as well. We all coparent

Yes I have siblings

Yes I am a content creator of both spicy and non spicy content

I own and run a graphics business

I am a boudoir model and playboy bunny, yes

I’m a Kinkster and Stoner, I’m also a country girl.

I have tattoos and piercings

Independent as fuck.

I have several degrees, in various fields

Love all types of music and animals

I have mental health issues

Heart of gold

Aries.

Travel addict

Adrenaline junkie

Movie lover

Documentaries and crime lover.

Art and photography

Lover of mermaids, sunflowers, turtles, cows and Disney

Wanna know more? Ask. Want me to write something on something you have a question about, ask? 💋

[thedarlingdarla]

If love is patient

then so must you be.

[thedarlingdarla]

“Sometimes you end up losing yourself trying to hold onto someone who never cared about losing you. Know when to let go.”

— Unknown

[thedarlingdarla]

Why make things complicated?

It’s simple really, relationships I mean. We all want someone who values us, communicates, validates us, reassures us, doesn’t wanna change us, and is honest and trustworthy. You know simple basic relationship things.

For me the people pleaser and over thinker with multiple mental health issues who is used to solitude, I need someone who can balance all those things while still letting me be an independent free bird who isn’t being suffocated, and in return I will care give and reassure back and all the things.

However when I feel like I’m backed in a corner and that me reassuring and me doing all the things isn’t working, my people pleasing self gets defeated. Because if I’m doing all the things, why aren’t they enough? In return I’m also feeling suffocated because not only do I feel like the problem and like I can’t fix it, but I’m also consumed with all the issues your having that your now projecting on to me.

So now I put walls up, I self destruct, I hurt those whom are hurting, I hurt myself and I hurt my relationship and in return, I normally end up single and labeled hard to handle. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no where near easy to be with, because I will test all your patience with all my personalities, crazy thoughts, and never thinking I’m pretty or enough and it’s easy for me to blame myself and my past on ruining the relationship. So I pin it on myself.

But what happens when the narcissist is the problem, or the person who once made you feel whole, is now making you feel suffocated and like anymore weight and you might just drown? Is it just my mental health making it feel that way or is it something they’re actually doing, sometimes reality and thought mix together and I don’t know where reality ends and thoughts start.

It’s easier to be independent and alone because then I don’t hurt anyone, then I don’t get hurt, then I don’t make things worse for everyone involved.

Why can’t I make things simple? Why can’t they make things simple? Why do we as humans make everything so god damn complicated? It should be as simple as boy likes girl, girl likes boy, all basic needs met, all bonds formed, all basic relationship needs can be done, I can handle you, you can handle me, we respect each other, we trust each other, we communicate, we’re honest… BOOM done. But god why is it never just that simple?

Is it because we’re all just so mentally fucked up nowadays that you find the least damaged one and go I choose you, like we’re fucking Pokémon trainers? Is there a department store for returns? Can I get my money back? Like I’m so serious… people honestly wonder why we’re not happy with what we have, maybe were those people looking for the other shoe to drop, or maybe were those people who always like to have the next best thing or the newer model? I don’t know, but I wanna go back to the days where you found someone, you stick with them and you fix it.. I’m tired of a revolving door of the same cycle. Why can’t one just stick… 🤦🏼‍♀️

Spicy 🌶️💋

[thedarlingdarla]

Some days aren't as easy.

Some days it seems like you run around like a chicken with your head cut off because there's not enough hours in the day for everything to get done.

You check on those you love, you run your errands, clean your house, cook dinner, maybe do some meal prepping and then you hop back on a live to talk to some friends, only to notice one doesn't seem like their selves. You message them personally, but your met with defeat as they're defeated and don't wanna talk, they don't want help. They just wanna be down and gloomy.

You've seen it before, but after the day you've had and the last couple weeks, you too are just as defeated. You've meal prepped, you've run errands, you've hung out with friends, etc.

You being the empathetic person you are, their energy feeds to you and drains you more and without being able to know and hope that they'll eventually talk to you.

You're the OG right? They should talk to you, but because they don't wanna burden you, since you have your own shit and your significant others shit and whatever other shit, they refuse.

Meanwhile your significant other is still not as chipper as they normally are and your not yourself and time just seems to waste on and run together and that 24hrs seems like 10 instead like the times just never gonna be enough. There's not enough hours or minutes or days or months and the year just seems to go too fast... how is it already April, how is it that I've not met half my goals not even a quarter of them?

I just want to make everyone happy and help everyone and it seems like that's an impossible task. You can't please everyone, you can't help everyone, this isn't a utopia I keep telling myself, perfection doesn't exist, but here I am still striving to give my all where it's seemingly not welcome.

Isn't the saying Life's a bitch and then you die? I mean cause between the weather, the moods of people, the mood of myself, the issues in the world, it seems as if life just becomes harder and harder, worse and worse and all I wanna do is fix things and I can't and that makes the dark hole larger because me the people pleaser isn't pleasing, me the heart of gold isn't able to help, and life just doesn't seem worth it a whole hell of a lot anymore...

At least when I was young I had an idea of the shit storms that would form, as I get older, the curveballs keep on coming and they're getting stronger by the pitcher. If only I could be the pitcher and throw it one good time, maybe I'd do 3 strikes and they were fucking out and down for once, instead of me striking out all the fucking time.

Can't life just be fucking easy for once? Just be fucking simple?

Hopefully tomorrow's a better day.....

-Spicy 🌶️💋

[thedarlingdarla]

Anyone wish they were in Neverland?

Any Disney Fans? Anyone remember Peter Pan? ...if you said yes, then my next question is... Do you remember Neverland and never growing up? With the lost boys, Wendy, Tinkerbell, Tigerlily, Captain Hook and most importantly Peter Pan?

Some days when life is rough, this is often my fantasy and escape from reality, I dream about my own version of Peter Pan where I am in fact Wendy, but as a mermaid, and I stay in Neverland where I don't have to worry about who's toes I'm stepping on, or what bills need paid, or what work needs done, or cleaning the house, or mom duties, or significant other duties or whatever the case maybe and I just live in Neverland where I would never have to grow up and I could live care free. But then I remind myself that my favorite quote of that movie is also the one that removes me from reality, "to die would be an awfully big adventure." And in that instance I'm brought back out of my day dream and into reality where I remind myself I'm a Badass and keep moving forward and grinding as usual. Which leads me to my next question for you all, what is your fantasy when your in the world of Mental health struggles?

🤔

Spicy 💋🌶️

[thedarlingdarla]

A poem always on my mind:

“I thought of you today, but that was nothing new

I thought about you yesterday and days before that too,

I think of you in silence, I often speak your name,

All I have are memories and your picture in a frame,

Your memory is a keepsake in which I’ll never part,

God has you in his keeping, I have you in my heart.”

-Author Unkown