theflowercallednowhere44

[theflowercallednowhere44]

HAIII EVERYBODAY ITS BEEN A WHILE OH MY GOSHHH!!! i’ll have to update about a lot of stuff but i genuinely am at the most depressed point of my life but also the happiest?? it’s confusing

[theflowercallednowhere44]

i haven’t really been blogging recently since i’ve been so mentally/psychically out of it, i’ve been in and out of the hospital due to stomach issues it’s the worst ever i haven’t throw up more in my entire life. It psychically pains me to not feel good, i can’t eat without feeling sick, i can’t eat without feeling guilty about myself. Atleast it’s almost my birthday two more months till i feel alive for a bit, im still trying very hard to get myself together and i believe myself i can push my positive energy back into place and spread love to everyone else.

[theflowercallednowhere44]

i wanna get married please just one day

[theflowercallednowhere44]

hai guys :3

[theflowercallednowhere44]

i actually hate my home life a lot, i’ve been in this lame ass house living with my grandma for already 6 years i was supposed to move ages of ago but it gets pushed back every year. my last years of elementary and now my last years of highschool, i was never able to have my own genuine room, host my own sleepovers, and even let people hangout in my room. My room is quite literally a closet it’s connected to my dads room which is the worst, i have to go to sleep at a certain time because of that which sucks because i can’t get out of room either. I feel like im just here in this house my room is my temple but it’s horrible right now so i dont even wanna be in there and the only person who helped me cleaned it was my mom sadly shes too busy or too tired if she comes to the house, that reminds me i hate people who tell me stuff due to my messy room no one gets it genuinely ive always had this issue of having a messy room it’s not my fault, i get told im lazy and that “oh maybe ur so depressed because of how messy ur room is” yes i may be depressed but gosh my room is just something i cant explain, like i love the feeling of a clean room so much but i can’t keep it organized for some reason, i just wish i was on those reality tv shows that target people with messy rooms and help them clean them up and decorate them beautifully that would be nice.

[theflowercallednowhere44]

i feel like usually people are so like negative nancy’s when it’s valentine’s day only because their alone, they’ll say stuff like “ughh i hate everyone, everyone who has a lover d!e, ughh valentines is the worst not real holiday”. but i think valentine’s day is beautiful no matter if im alone like it’s just a nice holiday the fact there’s a day to express ur love for others, to be able to confess how you feel to the person you’ve been plotting on, valentines is like the most precious moment honestly so much things are happening today, it’s all so beautiful yes i am a bit sad im not celebrating with a lover but im not genuinely upset because there’s people who still love me and im grateful im able to express my love to them everyday.

happy valentines to the ones like me

[theflowercallednowhere44]

i’ve always had problems with my stomach, like seriously since forever i even have memories when i was kid always complaining about how it hurts. but honestly i think it’s because i was always anxious with my anxiety issues so my brain tricks my body into thinking im in pain, it’s seriously an issue because whenever i eat my stomach hurts no matter what it is im always in pain, hopefully my surgery helped me out a bit but still i sometimes believe i have a ed which i have never admitted before because im too scared to talk about, i feel like it started happening soon after my relationship had ended i had realized i had gained so much weight, and ever since then ive just felt so disgusted of who i am, i mean my ex would tell me how much he loved me and my body and its like well now what i know i should be happy with myself and grateful too but i just can’t i feel like this body isnt mine anymore and i want it off of m.

[theflowercallednowhere44]

oh my gosh i haven’t been updating or blogging since just yesterday i got surgery (they removed my appendix) it was seriously so random, one minute i was at the hospital the next i was in a ambulance and then at a new hospital waiting for like forever. WHILE NOT HAVING A FREAKING PHONE💔💔

but i’ll be probably yapping later :3

[theflowercallednowhere44]

i miss the person he was i miss him i miss this i need this, why did he have to change?? where did it go wrong, i miss my person.

[theflowercallednowhere44]

[theflowercallednowhere44]

i don’t think i’ll ever have a genuine connection with anyone, through the guys i’ve talked to, my first relationship even after all that i still feel so empty it’s like im some alien in this world, there’s no place for me anywhere. especially through every single guy who has talked to me, i mean everytime. the first guy i truly wanted only ended up liking me and getting jealous when i tried to move on from him, and what a idiot i was going to him to now being nothing to him, telling me my body would be better if i had lost weight, that i was embarrassing to be seen with, the same year i got played by another guy, something i hardly ever talk about because i did get sa. I just really wanted someone to love me,i wanted that feeling so badly. i’ll forever remember that day, getting my “first kiss” that i didn’t want , loved bombed more than ever, walking all the way home happier than ever thinking finally someone loved me, but and at the end i was left with nothing, i was ghosted then after that. i let it happen because i wanted to be loved. ive let all these boys step over me and for what?

i really wanted to get this out of my head

[theflowercallednowhere44]

update:

literally it went wrong again i had almost cried right infront of him, i jokingly had asked him about if he was busy on valentines and he jokingly like said “oh let me check my calendar”. Anywho it wasn’t so funny after all when i told me “ya we could be eachothers valentines but i kinda don’t wanna do anything ..” THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN LIKE IT GENUINELY FUCKING K!LLS ME!! LIKE I WANT YOU SO BADLY IM SO SICK AND TIRED OF BEING DRAGGED AROUND LIKE SOME DOG

[theflowercallednowhere44]

today during lunch im hanging out with my ex, usually every time we hangout i get excited but at the same time i wanna cry when im with him. Like im so frustrated i just want him to hold me and kiss me but then i realize we can’t do that stuff anymore which irritates me so much. i miss his touch, his smell, his voice, he’s just so precious to me and i hate how we won’t go back to how we were before. Genuinely i don’t think i wanna move on and let go him already, i just cant really he makes me wanna have a genuine life, having kids, getting married, being old. i just want him back, i hope he realizes that soon.

[theflowercallednowhere44]

meh and my bestfriend kenny

she’s truly amazing bestfriend ever, i’ve always wanted to have a bestfriend like in the films/shows you see while growing up, and kenny is literally is exactly the type of person i needed. she’s my platonic soulmate we’re like every iconic duo mashed into two. i honestly think she saved me, this silly girl literally always listens to me no matter what she never judges me ever she’s just perfection literally. especially her family they are my escape from reality. they make me feel like important and loved.

[theflowercallednowhere44]

sometimes i wish i was normal, like normal enough to do certain things such as eating without have stomachaches, going out without feel anxious, going to school without feeling im going insane, and falling sleeping knowing nothing bad is going to happen to me. i just wish everything went back to the way it was, when i felt so alive and full, now its just like if my life starts falling apart im gonna break down and theirs nothing im able to do about it until the next day.

i miss my mom

[theflowercallednowhere44]

[theflowercallednowhere44]

i am nothing more than a girl and i am nothing less than a woman